Clean Jokes

CLEAN JOKES EMPHASIS

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 10:18:00 +0000

The force of emphasis is clearly shown in the following brief colloquy, between two lawyers:

"Sir," demanded one, indignantly, "do you imagine me to be a scoundrel?"

"No, Sir," said the other coolly, "I do not imagine you to be one."

CLEAN JOKES A FORGETFUL MAN

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 07:26:00 +0000

A man, endowed with an extraordinary capacity for forgetfulness, was tried some time ago, at Paris, for vagabondage. He gave his name as Auguste Lessite, and believed he was born at Bourges. As he had forgotten his age, the registry of all the births in that city, from 1812 to 1822, was consulted, but only one person of the name of Lessite had been born there during that time, and that was a girl.

"Are you sure your name is Lessite?" asked the judge.

"Well, I thought it was, but maybe it ain't."

"Are you confident you were born at Bourges?"

"Well, I always supposed I was, but I shouldn't wonder if it was somewhere else."

"Where does your family live at present?"

"I don't know; I've forgotten."

"Can you remember ever having seen your father and mother?"

"I can't recollect to save myself; I sometimes think I have, and then again I think I haven't."

"What trade do you follow?"

"Well, I am either a tailor or a cooper, and for the life of me I can't tell which: at any rate, I'm either one or the other."

CLEAN JOKES AN ACUTE HINT

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 15:10:00 +0000

An Irish footman carrying a basket of game from his master to his friend, waited some time for the customary fee, but seeing no appearance of it, he scratched his head, and said, "Sir, if my master should say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you?—what would your honor have me to tell him?"

CLEAN JOKES COCKNEY NARRATIVE

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 12:50:00 +0000

I laid at my friend's house last night, and just as I laid me down to sleep, I heard a rumbling at the window of my chamber, which was just over the kitchen, a sort of portico, the top of which was just even with the floor of my room. Well, I just peeped up, and as the moon was just rising, I just saw the head of a man; so I got me up softly, just as I was, in my shirt, goes to where the pistols laid that I had just loaded, and laid them just within my reach. I hid myself behind the curtains, just as he was completely in the room. Just as I was about to lift my hand to shoot him, thinks I, would it be just to kill this here man, without one were sure he came with an unjust intention? so I just cried out hem! upon which he fell to the ground, and there he laid, and I could just see that he looked just as if he was dead; so I just asked him what business he had in that there room? Poor man! he could just speak, and said he had just come to see Mary!

CLEAN JOKES SINCERE REGRET

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 12:49:00 +0000

To a gentleman who was continually lamenting the loss of his first wife before his second, she one day said, "Indeed, Sir, no one regrets her more than I do."

CLEAN JOKES HARD CASE

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:25:00 +0000

A polite young lady recently asserted that she had lived near a barn-yard, and that it was impossible for her to sleep in the morning, on account of the outcry made by a "gentleman hen."

CLEAN JOKES BIG WORDS

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:40:00 +0000

The best hit we have lately seen at the rather American fashion of employing big crooked words, instead of little straight ones, is in the following dialogue between a highfalutin lawyer and a plain witness:

"Did the defendant knock the plaintiff down with malice prepense?"

"No, Sir; he knocked him down with a flat-iron."

"You misunderstand me, my friend; I want to know whether he attacked him with any evil intent?"

"O no, Sir, it was outside of the tent."

"No, no; I wish you to tell me whether the attack was at all a preconcerted affair?"

"No, Sir; it was not a free concert affair—it was at a circus."

CLEAN JOKES LACONIC AND DECISIVE

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 11:42:00 +0000

A wealthy Jew, having made several ineffectual applications for leave to quit Berlin, at length sent a letter to the king imploring permission to travel for the benefit of his health, to which he received the following answer:

"Dear Ephraim,
"Nothing but death shall part us.
"FREDERICK."

CLEAN JOKES THEATRICAL CRITICISM

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 11:12:00 +0000

When Woodward first played Sir John Brute, Garrick was present. A few days after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in the part, adding, "I think I struck out some beauties in it." "I think," said Garrick, "that you struck out all the beauties in it."

CLEAN JOKES A MISTAKE

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 11:09:00 +0000

Fredrick I. of Prussia, when a new soldier appeared on the parade, was wont to ask him, "How old are you?—how long have you been in my service?—have you received your pay and clothing?" A young Frenchman who had volunteered into the service, being informed by his officer of the questions which the monarch would ask, took care to have the answers ready. The king, seeing him in the ranks, unfortunately reversed the questions:

Q. How long have you been in my service?

A. Twenty-one years, and please your majesty.

Q. How old are you?

A. One year.

The king, surprised, said, "Either you or I must be a fool." The soldier, taking this for the third question, relative to his pay and clothing, replied, "Both, and please your majesty."

CLEAN JOKES CONSOLATION

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 14:21:00 +0000

An Irish officer had the misfortune to be dreadfully wounded in one of the late battles in Holland. As he lay on the ground, an unlucky soldier, who was near him, and was also severely wounded, made a terrible howling, when the officer exclaimed, "What do you make such a noise for? Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?"

CLEAN JOKES SEVERAL NEGATIVES

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:11:00 +0000

"Mister, I say, I don't suppose you don't know of nobody who don't want to hire nobody to do nothing, don't you?" "Yes, I don't."

CLEAN JOKES DIFFERENT LINES

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:10:00 +0000

A person arrived from a voyage to the East Indies inquired of a friend after their mutual acquaintance, and, among the rest, one who had the misfortune to be hanged during his absence:

"How is Tom Moody?"

"He is dead."

"He was in the grocery line when I left this."

"He was in quite a different line when he died."

CLEAN JOKES NEGRO WIT

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 13:13:00 +0000

A Jamaica planter, with a nose as fiery and rubicund as that of the illuminating Bardolph, was taking his siesta after dinner, when a mosquito lighting on his proboscis, instantly flew back. "Aha! massa mosquito," cried Quacco, who was in attendance, "you burn your foot!"

CLEAN JOKES THEATRICAL BON-MOT

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 13:12:00 +0000

In a very thin house in the country, an actress spoke very low in her communication with her lover. The actor, whose benefit it happened to be, exclaimed with a face of woeful humor, "My dear, you may speak out, there is nobody to hear us."

CLEAN JOKES CONCISENESS

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 10:33:00 +0000

Louis XIV. traveling, met a priest riding post. Ordering him to stop, he asked hastily, "Whence? whither? for what?" He answered, "Bruges—Paris—a benefice." "You shall have it."

CLEAN JOKES ALLIES WILL FALL OUT

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 10:32:00 +0000

A gentleman having to fight a main in the country, gave charge to his servant to carry down two cocks. Pat put them together in a bag; on opening which, at his arrival, he was surprised to find one of them dead, and the other terribly wounded. Being rebuked by his master for putting them in the same bag, he said he thought there was no danger of them hurting each other, as they were going to fight on the same side.

CLEAN JOKES CATCHING A TARTAR

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 10:25:00 +0000

An Irish soldier called out to his companion:

"Hollo! Pat, I have taken a prisoner."

"Bring him along, then; bring him along!"

"He won't come."

"Then come yourself."

"He won't let me."

CLEAN JOKES ANTIGALLICAN

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 10:25:00 +0000

A downright John Bull going into a coffee-house, briskly ordered a glass of brandy and water; "But," said he, "bring me none of your cursed French stuff." The waiter said respectfully, "Genuine British, Sir, I assure you."

CLEAN JOKES IMPRACTICABILITY

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 12:55:00 +0000

A gentleman in the pit, at the representation of a certain tragedy, observed to his neighbor, he wondered that it was not hissed: the other answered, "People can't both yawn and hiss at once."

CLEAN JOKES A DIALOGUE

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 12:54:00 +0000

The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following hits took place:

W. I fear, Charles, you lose a great deal of time with this fiddling.

S. Sir, I endeavor to keep time.

W. You mean rather to kill time.

S. No, I only beat time.

CLEAN JOKES AN UNLUCKY COMPLIMENT

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 12:24:00 +0000

A French gentleman congratulated Madame Denis on her performance of the part of Lara. "To do justice to that part," said she, "the actress should be young and handsome." "Ah, madam!" replied the complimenter, "you are a complete proof of the contrary."

CLEAN JOKES A COMMAND ANTICIPATED

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 10:33:00 +0000

In the campaign in Holland last war, a party marching through a swamp, was ordered to form two deep. A corporal immediately exclaimed, "I'm too deep already; I am up to the middle."

CLEAN JOKES A SMALL MISTAKE

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 13:38:00 +0000

An uninformed Irishman, hearing the Sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to his neighbor, "Sphinx! who is that?" "A monster, man." "Oh!" said our Hibernian, not to seem unacquainted with his family, "a Munster-man! I thought he was from Connaught."

CLEAN JOKES A HOME TRUTH

noreply@blogger.com (Clean Jokes) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 13:37:00 +0000

When the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the Court of Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intention to his Prussian Majesty, and to tell him at the same time, "That her fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was at Berlin." The king replied, "I am sorry we are only intrusted with the worst part of her Grace's property."