Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor -

Best One Liner Jokes

admin — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 19:28:08 +0000

Born free, taxed to death.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them. read more »

Don't Smoke a Cigar

admin — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 19:13:54 +0000

“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”
“No.”

Who cut down the cherry tree

admin — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 19:05:24 +0000

A farmer grabbed his 10-year-old son and asked, “Did you cut down that cherry tree?”

“Yes, Daddy, I did.” – the boy replied sobbing. “I cannot tell a lie.”

The farmer grabbed the boy, put him on his knee and whaled the tar out of him.

“But, Daddy,” the boy cried, “George Washington’s father didn’t do that to him when he cut down that cherry tree when he was a boy.”

“That’s true,” the father replied, “but George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in the tree when he cut it down!”

Hiccups Home Remedies

admin — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 19:01:35 +0000

A boy walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist merely leaned over and slapped the kid on the back.

“Why did you do that to me?” – asked the boy.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups now, do you!”
“No, but my Mom out in the care still does!” – the boy replied.

Painless Dental Treatment

admin — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 18:55:03 +0000

A small boy ridiculed the talk about a painless dentist in his neighborhood. “He’s not painless at all.” – said the boy.

“He put his finger in my mouth and I bit it and he yelled just like anybody would.

Shortage Of Parachutes

admin — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 12:26:24 +0000

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.

The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.

The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.

The pope told the brunette to take the last one.

The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"

April Fool Day Tip

admin — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 19:14:11 +0000

It was a bitterly cold day on the Bombay golf course and Sandy the caddy was expecting a large tip from his wealthy client.

As they approached the clubhouse, Sandy heard the words he was longing to hear, "This is for a hot cup of coffee."

So Sandy held out his hand and the wealthy client put a sugar cube in his palm.

April Fool Meal

admin — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 18:50:37 +0000

1. Scoop a small hole in an apple with the end of a spoon and insert a sweet gummy worm - yuck!

2. If your family eats O-shaped cereal, thread them all onto a piece of string and put them back in the box.

3. Make a fake 'fried egg'. Arrange a spoonful of natural yoghurt in an oval on a plate. Pop an apricot half in the middle. Serve it up to your family with a rasher of real bacon. read more »

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

admin — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 18:46:15 +0000

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally. read more »

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

admin — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 18:45:49 +0000

1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the
bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks
about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she
is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate
every morning. read more »

Letter to the MOM

admin — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 18:45:37 +0000

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed.

With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

"It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend.

I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle, But is not only that Mom, I'm pregnant and tom said that we will very happy in his trailer in the woods.

He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. read more »

Bathtub Jello

admin — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 18:45:14 +0000

One of the pranks that I know of that isn't really harmful but still amusing is the "bathtub jello" one.

I've heard about couples returning from their honeymoon to find nothing out of the ordinary - until they go to take a shower/bath, when they find that their bathtub is full of jello.

It's easy to do - although I think it's better to make in layers if you have the time (you can assure that it's set that way).

Just run hot water, dump in lots of jello and *lots* of ice cubes, then stir. read more »

Revenge Practical Jokes

admin — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 18:45:00 +0000

Garage Sale
Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, just come around back and come early!

Oil Spot
At night pour used oil underneath the read more »

Wedding Practical Jokes

admin — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 18:44:07 +0000

Smaller or larger tuxedo

A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo. read more »

Double April Fool

admin — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 18:40:28 +0000

My mother lives 10 minutes from me and i drove to her house well she was at work went in and cut the power to her house by simply turning off the breakers..
Mom got home from work and instead of checking the breaker box she calls penalec..

3 hours later they show up test her lines and everything saying power is coming into the house and the guy checks the breaker box.. he said ma'am your breakers were all turned off.. read more »

Great April Fools Day Jokes, Pranks & Tricks

admin — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 18:32:06 +0000

Practical jokes should be done in good fun and not meant to harm anyone. The best jokes are the clever ones where everyone laughs, especially the person who had the joke played on them.

These are many types of pranks and jokes ideal for April Fools Day.

1. Advertise your bosses job in the local newspaper - (Great if you want to get fired !).

2. Get a balloon and put it on the tailpipe of a truck read more »

Jimmy Carr's Top One liner Jokes

admin — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 16:32:05 +0000

Jimmy Carr's One liners

1. Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

2) Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

3) No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.

4) I went up to the airport information desk. I said: "How many airports are there in the world?"

5) My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian... read more »

Old dog new tricks

admin — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 04:30:31 +0000

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. read more »

Who's The Boss?

admin — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 03:07:32 +0000

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." read more »

wife's revenge

admin — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 02:56:27 +0000

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn``t see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." read more »

Obituary in local newspaper

admin — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 02:05:45 +0000

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.

The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale'."

You are not getting older

admin — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 02:02:01 +0000

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older,
You are getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

Got Text Message Confirmation

admin — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 04:36:36 +0000

Husband sent a text to wife at night, "Hi babe I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."

He sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

She text back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

We're going to be three

admin — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 04:33:10 +0000

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

Advice to the newly married couple

admin — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 04:29:29 +0000

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I.

The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband.

He said, "She's probably right."

High blood pressure

admin — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 04:25:18 +0000

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed, "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

You're beautiful!

admin — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 03:45:57 +0000

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”

She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

English Language is Funny

admin — Sun, 06 Jan 2013 12:51:06 +0000

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn.
I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet, read more »

How to beat a speeding ticket

admin — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 14:07:58 +0000

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. read more »

NEW YEAR QUOTES

admin — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 14:51:42 +0000

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New
Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old
year leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

Then sing, young hearts that are full of cheer,
With never a thought of sorrow;
The old goes out, but the glad young year
Comes merrily in tomorrow.
- Emily Miller

The proper behavior all through the holiday season
is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New
Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person
you're married to.
- P.J. O'Rourke read more »