Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor - “If you have Tension and headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".”

Real Answering Machine Messages

admin — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 01:11:55 -0600

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or) Hello, you're caller number nine! read more »

How did the human race appear?

admin — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:15:46 -0600

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" read more »

Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow hired.

admin — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:12:53 -0600

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." read more »

What job descriptions really means

admin — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 01:01:17 -0600

“Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.

“Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend.

“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.

“Career-minded”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way). read more »

Student VS Teacher

admin — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:09:01 -0600

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.

------------------------------

Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher : You don't know maths.
Ted : You don't know my father!

------------------------------

Teacher: Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? read more »

Marriage One Liners

admin — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 08:23:31 -0600

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' read more »

Sadistic Greeting Cards

admin — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 08:06:10 -0600

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you. read more »

The Telemarketer Fun Game

admin — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 03:47:12 -0600

Everyone has gotten a call from a telemarketer, the new Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered if it was someone you knew or another nimrod with something to sell.
Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the "market" out of "telemarketing."

PREMISE

Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you're selling.

COUNTER-TACTIC read more »

Forgive Your Enemies

admin — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 20:12:34 -0600

The preacher's, Sunday sermon was,"Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies?

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied. read more »

April Fool Meal

admin — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 01:32:19 -0600

1. Scoop a small hole in an apple with the end of a spoon and insert a sweet gummy worm - yuck!

2. If your family eats O-shaped cereal, thread them all onto a piece of string and put them back in the box.

3. Make a fake 'fried egg'. Arrange a spoonful of natural yoghurt in an oval on a plate. Pop an apricot half in the middle. Serve it up to your family with a rasher of real bacon. read more »

Credit Card Security Question Prank

admin — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 00:28:41 -0600

I tried asking Visa's customer representatives the same security questions they ask us, just to see how they would react. They didn't like it at all, as you can read below.

VISA: ...And for security, I just need your mother's maiden name?

JOHN HARGRAVE: [I tell him] And Barry, for security purposes, I also need your mother's maiden name.

VISA: Uh ... my mother's maiden name, sir?

JH: Uh-huh.

VISA: OK. Uh ... please hold for a moment, sir.

[Hold time of 3:54] read more »

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

admin — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 12:55:13 -0600

Finally, a definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:

Princess Diana’s death.

Question:

Why?

Answer:

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey,

followed closely by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. read more »

(No Pets Allowed In Apartment Building) David Thorne Driving His Landlord Crazy

admin — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 14:06:31 -0600

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David. read more »

A Letter From M.I.T

admin — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 22:57:09 -0600

MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student's reply:

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America. read more »

Attention Deficit Disorder in adults

admin — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 00:31:50 -0600

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. — Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. read more »

New Taxi Driver

admin — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 19:54:55 -0600

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

The phaonemneal pweor of the hmuan

admin — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 11:36:03 -0600

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdenieg. The phaonemneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aodccrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dnsoe’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the hmuan mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azmanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuoht slpeling was ipmorantt !

The Bathtub Test! Are you a normal person?

admin — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 16:52:13 -0600

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." read more »

Don't copy if you can't paste!

admin — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 00:09:45 -0600

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience He said "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added "And that woman was my mother" Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top IT manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. read more »

Darwin Awards

admin — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 21:17:29 -0600

For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded annually for the most extreme acts of (occasionally terminal) reported stupidity.
First Place - The Darwin Award Winner:

** When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time, it worked!

And now, the honorable mentions: read more »

Fun With Email Scammers

admin — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 21:24:03 -0600

A few days ago I received this email. I
decided to have some fun and mess with them a little bit. Deleting
these emails every day is a waste of my time so I thought I'd waste
theirs. I decided to see how weird I could get before they stopped
replying to my emails.

Here is the email exchange in full:
___________________________________

Dear friend read more »

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

admin — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 01:53:59 -0600

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames read more »

How to Handle Junk Mail

admin — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:17:43 -0600

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? read more »

Blonde Changing the Light Bulb

admin — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:05:48 -0600

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem? read more »

Reward them Soldiers

admin — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 01:47:50 -0600

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. read more »

The Psychic Reader

admin — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 22:17:58 -0600

My father died on Jan 02. He left no forwarding address.

Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more.

I went to my mailbox to find this:

Dear Mr. Hanson, read more »

Michael Jordan vs Nerd

admin — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 11:04:11 -0600

Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage. read more »

Hiring cannibals

admin — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 12:38:37 -0600

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. read more »

Faster than the speed of light

admin — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 23:06:54 -0600

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning. read more »

Newspaper Classified Advertising

admin — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 16:00:54 -0600

Actual Newspaper Ads and Classifieds:

* AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

* SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

* FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG

* 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

* TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTOMATIC, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

* TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700 read more »