Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor -

Why Are Americans Jobless ?

admin — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 21:05:35 -0700

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES) .

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN VIETNAM). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. read more »

Great Quotes by Great Women

admin — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 20:37:31 -0700

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Gabor

Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin read more »

Top 10 Office pranks you can do at work

admin — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 23:20:56 -0700

1. Set a mouse free in the office each day. When the problem becomes an epidemic, send snakes after them.

2. Submit letters of resignation for other employees.

3. Dial the phone number of the guy in the next cubicle whenever he walks away from his desk. Hang up before he can run back to answer it. Repeat often.

4. Send counterfeit memos from the company president, politely letting employees know that they’ve been fired and must clear out their offices and leave the building immediately. read more »

What Doctors Say & What They Really Mean

admin — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:56:19 -0700

"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." read more »

What Men Really Mean

admin — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 20:45:11 -0700

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." read more »

You Can Be an Engineer If

admin — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 20:25:57 -0700

* If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE

* If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

* If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

* If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

* If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

* If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

* If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts read more »

Dividing the nuts in cemetery

admin — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 10:13:44 -0700

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy.

Several more pecans dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

A third boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” read more »

Mental Hospital

admin — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 21:57:12 -0700

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, And all the patients were shouting, ' 13....13....13. '

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see What was going on.....

One of them poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting ' 14....14....14 '...

Valentine Dirty Poems

admin — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 22:37:11 -0700

Twinkle Twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.

--------------------

Roses are red, Violets are blue

monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too

not in cage but laughing at you.

--------------------

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .

He saw me in dark, he created light . read more »

Gun Laws

admin — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 22:05:56 -0700

One of the perennial arguments in the gun-control debate is pro-gun-control demagogues saying that guns should be licensed just like cars, expecting their listeners to have never thought abut how the two actually compare and thus convince people that still more gun laws are a good idea. Gun owners naturally turn around and point out embarrassing things such as, if guns were licensed just like cars are:

* anyone could own as many guns, of whatever type, as they could afford;

* Shooter's Ed would be a mandatory class in high school (which, actually, wouldn't be a bad idea); read more »

French Army Jokes

admin — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 19:36:10 -0700

Q: How many Frenchmen died in World War II????
A: Not Enough.

Q: Why do we need France on our side against Sadaam and Osama?
A: So the French can show them how to surrender.

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman

Q: What’s the shortest book ever written?
A: French War Heroes.

Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Q: Why does Nike like the French Army? read more »

Senior Moment

admin — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 18:38:30 -0700

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?

His friends replies, "A Carnation??"

"No. No. The other one" the man says. read more »

Success Quotes

admin — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 22:12:16 -0700

1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.

2. Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be.

3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.

4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.

5. Success stops when you do.

6. When your ship comes in.... make sure you are willing to unload it.

7. You will never have it all together.

8. Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!

9. The biggest lie on the planet When I get what I want I will be happy. read more »

Why men are happy

admin — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 08:44:34 -0700

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

* Your last name stays put.

* The garage is all yours.

* Wedding plans take care of themselves.

* Chocolate is just another snack.

* You can never be pregnant.

* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

* You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

* Car mechanics tell you the truth.

* The world is your urinal.

* You never to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

* Wrinkles add character. read more »

WHY ASKING “WHY” CAN BE DANGEROUS

admin — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 22:50:13 -0700

A DIALOGUE WITH SARAH, AGED 3: IN WHICH IT IS SHOWN THAT IF YOUR DAD IS A CHEMISTRY PROFESSOR, ASKING “WHY” CAN BE DANGEROUS

SARAH: Daddy, were you in the shower?

DAD: Yes, I was in the shower.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: I was dirty. The shower gets me clean.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why does the shower get me clean?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Because the water washes the dirt away when I use soap.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why do I use soap?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Because the soap grabs the dirt and lets the water wash it off.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why does the soap grab the dirt? read more »

Australian tourism Q&A

admin — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 20:55:55 -0700

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden) read more »

Management Quotes

admin — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 02:15:07 -0700

A magazine recently ran a "dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) read more »

How to Fly

admin — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 23:08:41 -0700

1. Every take-off is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. read more »

What women mean when they say

admin — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 22:10:03 -0700

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the football before helping around the house.

3. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! read more »

The Telemarketer Fun Game

admin — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 03:47:12 -0600

Everyone has gotten a call from a telemarketer, the new Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered if it was someone you knew or another nimrod with something to sell.
Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the "market" out of "telemarketing."

PREMISE

Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you're selling.

COUNTER-TACTIC read more »

Forgive Your Enemies

admin — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 20:12:34 -0600

The preacher's, Sunday sermon was,"Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies?

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied. read more »

April Fool Meal

admin — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 01:32:19 -0600

1. Scoop a small hole in an apple with the end of a spoon and insert a sweet gummy worm - yuck!

2. If your family eats O-shaped cereal, thread them all onto a piece of string and put them back in the box.

3. Make a fake 'fried egg'. Arrange a spoonful of natural yoghurt in an oval on a plate. Pop an apricot half in the middle. Serve it up to your family with a rasher of real bacon. read more »

Credit Card Security Question Prank

admin — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 00:28:41 -0600

I tried asking Visa's customer representatives the same security questions they ask us, just to see how they would react. They didn't like it at all, as you can read below.

VISA: ...And for security, I just need your mother's maiden name?

JOHN HARGRAVE: [I tell him] And Barry, for security purposes, I also need your mother's maiden name.

VISA: Uh ... my mother's maiden name, sir?

JH: Uh-huh.

VISA: OK. Uh ... please hold for a moment, sir.

[Hold time of 3:54] read more »

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

admin — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 12:55:13 -0600

Finally, a definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:

Princess Dianaâ€™s death.

Question:

Why?

Answer:

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey,

followed closely by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. read more »

(No Pets Allowed In Apartment Building) David Thorne Driving His Landlord Crazy

admin — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 14:06:31 -0600

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David. read more »

A Letter From M.I.T

admin — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 22:57:09 -0600

MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student's reply:

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America. read more »

Attention Deficit Disorder in adults

admin — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 00:31:50 -0600

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. â€” Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. read more »

New Taxi Driver

admin — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 19:54:55 -0600

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

The phaonemneal pweor of the hmuan

admin — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 11:36:03 -0600

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdenieg. The phaonemneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aodccrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dnsoeâ€™t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the hmuan mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azmanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuoht slpeling was ipmorantt !

The Bathtub Test! Are you a normal person?

admin — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 16:52:13 -0600

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." read more »