Funny Jokes

Song Quotes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 18:47:00 +0000

Song Quotes

The good ole days weren't always good, and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems.

- Billy Joel

That ain't working. That's the way you do it. ... Get your money for nothing and your chicks for free.

- Dire Straits

PMS and Mad Cow Disease

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 18:14:00 +0000

Q. Why is the term, PMS, used to describe difficult behavior displayed by women?

A. The term, Mad Cow Disease, was already in use.

Funny Jokes

Funny Little Johnny Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 08:36:00 +0000

Little Johnny Meets Obama

Little Johnny is at it again... President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'?

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered:

'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?'> 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

Funny Jokes

Funny Glass of Water Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 08:18:00 +0000

Glass of Water

One night a father sent his son upstairs to bed. Five
minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a
glass of water!?!''

''No. You had your chance. Be quiet and go to sleep.''

A minute later the boy screamed, ''Dad!! Can you PLEASE get
me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up
there and spank you.''

A minute later the boy yelled, ''Dad, when you come up to
spank me can you bring me a glass of water?''

Funny Jokes

Funny Lil' Johnny Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 12:46:00 +0000

Buying a horse

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horses' legs, rump and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop,
why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure they are healthy, and
in good shape before I buy."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right
away."

"Why?", said his father.

"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy
mom!"

Funny Jokes

Funny Hiring Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 12:17:00 +0000

Are You Hiring?

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are
you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."

"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she said

Funny Jokes

Funny Bachelor Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 10:32:00 +0000

A Guide To Food Spoilage For Bachelors.....

Eggs: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg
is probably past its prime.

Meat: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a 3
block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

Flour: If it wiggles...it's spoiled.

Lettuce: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom
of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when
it turns liquid.

Raisins: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

Potatoes: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches or dense, leafy
undergrowth.

Chip dip: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the
floor, it has gone bad.

Unmarked item: You know its well beyond its prime when you're tempted
to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking,
Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

Frozen food: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be
spoiled (or wrecked, anyway) by the time you pry them out with a
hammer and knife.

Funny Quotes

Funny One-Liners

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 10:23:00 +0000

One-Liners

I have found that nothing written in fine print is ever
good news.

It is so embarrassing watching your boss do something
you declared could not be done.

You soon find out that a revolving charge is the kind
of credit that keeps your interest up.

Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands,"
someone scribbled: I waited and waited, but I finally
washed them myself.

Some people are born in ignorance, while others strive
their whole lives to achieve it. --C.J. Rose

My strange behavior as a child is easily explained; I
was training to be an adult.

My life is already complicated enough, without trying
to introduce organization into it.

I know so little that it astonishes me how many people
know even less.

Funny Jokes

Funny Grandparent Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sun, 31 May 2009 12:45:00 +0000

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her
own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to
see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if
they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why
we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the
same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time
with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers
with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE
LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN
WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

Funny Quotes

Funny Promised Land Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 30 May 2009 10:30:00 +0000

the Promised Land

2,000 years ago Moses said, "Pick up your shovel, pack your ass, mount =
your camel and I shall lead you to the Promised Land."=20

200-plus years ago, George Washington said, "Get off your ass, use your =
shovel, clear the land, grow plants for camels and it will be the =
Promised Land."=20

Last week the Congress of the United States said "Si, Amigos, throw away =
your shovel, sit on your ass, light your Camels, we're giving you the =
Promised Land."=20

Funny Quotes

Funny Union Plumber Jokes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Thu, 28 May 2009 10:29:00 +0000

Union Plumber

A union plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to
repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to
discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well stacked
dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became
extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m., the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom
shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting
down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to
the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can
take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What?
On my own time?"

Funny Quotes

Funny Gardening Jokes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Tue, 26 May 2009 10:27:00 +0000

Gardening Tip

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not
a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it was a valuable plant.

Funny Quotes

Funny Funeral Music Jokes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sun, 24 May 2009 10:26:00 +0000

Funeral Music

At our local funeral parlor families are given the chance to chose
the music CD they would like to have played when they enter the
service.

One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."

Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready
for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD
player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return
to Sender."

Funny Jokes

Funny Biker Jokes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Fri, 22 May 2009 10:24:00 +0000

TOP TEN BIKER PICK-UP LINES
10. Excuse me, you wearing 'Windsong' by Prince Matchabelli?
9. Come to the ballet often?
8. I've done it with both Harley and Davidson
7. Would you believe I left my Volvo at home?
6. I wouldn't mind being your biker lady friend
5. You ain't a cop, are you?
4. Yo, would you like to sit on my hog?
3. Ever made it with an overweight problem drinker?
2. You rev my love-a-meter
1. Are you as crazy about Streisand as I am?

Funny Jokes

Funny Loan Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Mon, 18 May 2009 12:36:00 +0000

In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

Funny Jokes

Funny Russian Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sun, 17 May 2009 12:35:00 +0000

- I have to call John... Hello!
- You are the first who reached us and you will get a Mercedes-Benz and 100,000 USD if you answer the question: Luis Armstrong sang the song "What a wonderful... WHAT?"
- I'm sorry. I think I dialed a wrong number.

A lesson at school.
- Who read "War and peace" by Leo Tolstoi?
- What??? Did we have to read it???
- Yes. What's wrong?
- Oh my gosh! I have rewritten it.

A funeral procession.
A drunk comes across. He sees a man there.
- Bob! My classmate! I haven't seen you for ages!
- Sorry. I have a grief. My wife has died.
- You have married! My congratulations!

Funny Jokes

Funny Cowboy Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 16 May 2009 12:35:00 +0000

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said,
"You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If
you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the young lad did this religiously every day, and sure enough,
lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died, he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren,
15 great-grandchildren ...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the
crematorium.

Funny Jokes

Funny Samurai Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Fri, 15 May 2009 12:43:00 +0000

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new
Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a
Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly
divided in two!

"What a skillful feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what
you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny
box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* *Swish! * The
fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"Ah-h-h, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that,
Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly,
drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily
that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched
sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly
isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now,
circumcision .....THAT takes skill!"

Funny Quotes

Funny Sinking Ship Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Thu, 14 May 2009 12:34:00 +0000

In a sinking ship :

captain: what should we do??
the water level has risen above the danger mark .....

sardar: raise the danger mark level up by few feet.......
Funny Jokes

Funny Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Wed, 13 May 2009 12:33:00 +0000

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Funny Jokes

Funny Elderly Ladies Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Tue, 12 May 2009 12:31:00 +0000

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a
long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Funny Quotes

Funny Wolf Man Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Mon, 11 May 2009 12:30:00 +0000

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Funny Quotes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sun, 10 May 2009 12:24:00 +0000

Cow's Advice

A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

Funny Quotes

Funny Scouts Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 09 May 2009 12:23:00 +0000

Scout Survival

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Davey replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why is that Davey?" asked the Scout Master.

"Well," answered Davey, " the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

Davey replied, "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten'."

Funny Quotes

Funny Octopus Instruments Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Fri, 08 May 2009 15:21:00 +0000

Octopus Instruments

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He says that it can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to take her up to my boudoir it as soon as I get her pajamas off!"

Funny Jokes