Nicki normally goes out during the sermon, but this time we kept her in as she was doing rather well coloring and we heard there was to be a fun surprise.  The pastor was talking about The Day of Atonement and brought in a goat to illustrate the idea of a scapegoat and how that goat would take away the sins of the people. 

After the illustration the pastor told everyone to say goodbye to the goat.  My daughter looks up from her coloring book, and yells at the top of her lungs, “Goodbye Sheep!”

We’re still working on our animals.

Every summer at Washington Family Ranch I get suckered into going on this thing called the Blob.  It’s like a giant air worm sitting in a lake.  The object is to run off of a high-rise platform, to the back end of the Blob thereby launching another individual off the front end in a catapult-like action.

In order to see someone get sweet air you want a bigger person to be the launcher, and a small person to be the launchee.  In order to avoid mometous law suits, our camp has placed a cap on the weight difference allowed between these two individuals.  However, there is a loophole in this system. 

That is where my own personal hell comes into play.  The loophole allows any kid no matter how big, to launch a leader no matter how small.  Without fail for the last 5 years, the biggest kid at camp asks me if I will let them Blob me. 

If you find yourself in a similar situation please allow me to give you some advice (from personal experience) for surviving an extreme blobbing from high altitudes. 

1. Pray.  Seriously.
2. Don’t lean too far forward (this will help you avoid a belly flop).
3. Don’t lean too far back (this will help you avoid an enema).
4. If you have bubble wrap consider covering any part of your body that you value.
5. Make sure you close your legs (I cannot emphasize enough how important this is).

You can see from the picture above the person being blobbed is an amateur and will be in pain for the rest of the week, which brings me to my final point.  I have a one-time, end of the week policy, which I recommend to all of you who have a pain tolerance of less than 8/10.

This is a great unjustice that must be stopped.  I mean think of the ridiculousness of it all.  How will our children learn to live in America if we don’t teach them at an early age that happiness comes from having bigger and better crap than everyone else? 

Even more important, how will our kids learn to trust us unless we tell them, “a fat man dressed in red, rides a sleigh of flying reindeer, and comes squeezes down our chimneys to deliver presents?”  I ask you to consider the ramifications of being honest with your children.

Seriously, who wants to hear about a baby in a manger.  That’s so B.C. (or B.C.E. for the secular reader).  Anyways, what I propose is that we take Jesus out of Christmas altogether.  I mean is there really any room for this little bitty baby?  Is there any room at all?  I think not.  I think the only place for this kind of thing is out in the middle of nowhere…like a shed, or a barn or something. 

I mean this is getting ridiculous people.  You can’t go against Santa, he’s the Big guy.  Come on now, how many people have even heard of this Jesus guy?

Dr. Staton would flail his arms around, walking to and fro, and intermittently raising his voice as he would get excited about his subject matter.

Occasionally we would get out of his classes early.  He would usually be in mid-sentence, and pause.  Then he would say something to the affect of “You know I think I may have forgotten to take my heart medication this morning, and I don’t have my pills with me, so we’re gonna need to end a little early today.”

I’m really hoping that it was done in that order.  I highly recommend that you use some kind of sanitizer on any photocopy machine before putting your face on the glass.  I wonder what the average number of butt copies per machine is.  I’m guessing it’s a really high number.  Like the number of spiders a person supposedly eats in their sleep.  Of course it probably depends on the number of people working in the office. 

I am guessing that in any given office with 100 or more employees there’s probably an average of at least 37.5 butt copies per year, give or take.  That means that if a copy machine lasts 10 years it has seen almost 400 full moons.  So the next time you use the copier make sure you wash your hands.

Why on God’s green earth are we still hearing songs like “What if Cartoons got saved?”  If you haven’t heard this meaningful classic (sarcasm) please allow me to fill you in.  I will admit when it came out in the early 1990’s it was clever, albeit a little annoying.  It talks about the Flintstones, and smurfs giving praise to God.  At that time it appealed to parents and kids who were watching these shows and could relate in some way. 

If you walked up to a child today and asked him what a smurf was, he would look at you like you were crazy, which brings me to my point.  No one is requesting this song.  So why are we still forced to listen to this between songs that are actually pretty decent?  Is there really not enough quality Christian music out there to replace this one? 

I understand that some songs make it into that “timeless classic” category.  However I hardly believe that this ensemble merits this status.  If you are a program manager and your station is still playing this song, or others like it, please consider updating your play-list.  Thanks, or should I say, ”Yabadabadooia.”

Beach volleyball and all of summer’s friends would come to pay their respects, and someone would say a eulogy that waxed poetic:

“We are here today to honor the memory of our dear friend summer.  She was here for a short while, and her brief life ended too soon.  She will be missed.  School (the evil step-mother) cannot replace her, for she was grand, and beautiful and we all loved her.”

Then everyone will somberly leave the service with black backpacks and that new shoe smell.  New shoes.  Don’t you know it’s a trick!  Your parents are trying to numb you from the reality that your childhood is being stolen right from under you!

Why cruel world?!?  Why? 

It should have been me!!!

…oh the humanity.