Funny , Jokes, Humor.

April Fools - Dogs on Ice Racing

2009-04-08T19:40:00.000-07:00

British greyhound racing has been combined with the Dancing on Ice TV show to create the new sport of "Dogs on Ice". Animal rights activists are up in arms as they should be as the hapless pooches tend to slide around a bit crashing into the guard rails.

According to the Dogs on Ice sponsors, however, this is being corrected by fitting the greyhounds with special traction shoes. The first Dogs on Ice event will be at Wembley Arena with the usual betting spreads applying.

Of course, it will be hard to know which greyhounds take to this format at first so the betting lines could be a bit skewed. The 36 dogs in contention will be whittled down to six with the rest competing in the even newer event being called "Dogs over Hot Coals".

Of course, stay tuned also for the new British reality TV show, "Rodeo on Ice" airing later this year.

April Fools - Teachers Head Explodes Because of Wifi

2009-04-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

A 42-year-old sociology teacher named Geoffrey Crumb had his head explode in class one day apparently from Wifi signals that were given out by his pupils texting. According to one of the students the explosion was like "a dog in a microwave".

Mr. Crumb was apparently the victim of new age cyber bullying. According to The Register, "Having been repeatedly subjected to ritual 'double-blind' tests by a 'gang' of physics and technology teachers in the staff room, who would laugh at him and snap towels when he failed to state correctly whether or not a given piece of equipment was switched on or off, Crumb was thought to have been easy prey when unscrupulous media technofear hypesters came knocking."

More dreaded than the movie Scanners, yet short of a Columbine style massacre, the Wifi head explosion suggests an unnatural empowerment of students over faculty. With the combined force of cell phones and texting no one is now safe. Teachers will now be eyeballing their students more closely.

Opposing sports teams will have to look over their shoulders at the crowd and wonder if they are next. Squirrels will flee in terror at the sight of groups of texting students roaming around campus. Oh, the humanity!

April Fools - Hyper Games Formed for Steroid-Taking Athletes

2009-04-08T19:31:00.000-07:00

According to the esteemed magazine, Scientific American there is a new Olympic-type sports venue forming called the Hyper Games that encourages steroid-taking athletes to compete against one another. The steroid use actually evens the playing field as it is known the everyone on the field is using performance enhancing substances.

According to SA, "The Hyper Games are for any spectator who has looked at sprinters and wondered whether they could go faster if their leg muscles contained cheetah DNA. Or speculated about how many tons a determined weight lifter could vertically press before his spine snapped. Or thought that Barry Bonds might show some potential as a hitter if he would just put on some muscle."

Born without lower legs and only have springy skis for feet? No problem as the Hyper Games won't outlaw you as a genetic mutant. Instead, they will reward you with gold metals and cheers from adoring fans.

Funny and Jokes - Thinnest books around

2009-01-13T01:33:00.000-08:00

Thinnest Books

1. The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton

2. The Amish Phone Directory

3. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette

4. George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names

5. French Hospitality

6. Everything Women Know About Men

7. Everything Men Know About Women

8. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches

9. Different Ways To Spell Bob

10. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

11. America's Most Popular Lawyers

12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean

13. The Wild Years-By Al Gore

14. Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman

15. Human Rights Advances In China

16. To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres

17. The Engineer's Guide To Fashion

18. My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson

19. How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.

Funny and Jokes - Make life simpler tips

2009-01-13T01:32:00.000-08:00

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Funny and Jokes - True Internet addiction

2009-01-13T01:27:00.000-08:00

You Are Maliciously Internet Addicted When:

1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.

2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...

9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

13. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

14. When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

15. Your pet has its own home page.

16. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

17. You can't call your grandmother..... she doesn't have a modem.

18. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

19. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

20. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

21. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

22. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

23. You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

24. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

25. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

26. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

27. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

28. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

29. You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

30. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

31. Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.

32. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

33. Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

34. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

35. You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

36. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

37. You forget what year it is.

38. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

39. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

40. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".

41. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited".

42. You turn on your computer and... turn off your significant other.

43. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

Funny And Jokes :Getting revenge with marriage

2009-01-11T04:04:00.000-08:00

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

Funny And Jokes :What is the most damaging food?

2009-01-11T04:02:00.000-08:00

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

Funny And Jokes :A staged wedding to bust dealers

2009-01-11T04:01:00.001-08:00

As supposedly reported on CNN:

Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).

The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.

The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won"

Funny And Jokes :May I borrow your dog for a few days?

2009-01-11T03:58:00.000-08:00

It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

Funny And Jokes :The tradition at weddings

2009-01-11T03:57:00.000-08:00

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

A walking economy

2008-12-19T20:42:00.000-08:00

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend asks, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

Short Q&A Obama Jokes, ROFL

2008-12-07T07:06:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of giving, we’re gonna give you some more Obama Jokes… a flurry of Q&A shorties sure to leave you asking for more. Everyone will be laughing… except for Barack Obama, because that would be racist.

Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Q. Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack?
A. He thought Barry sounded too American.

Q. Why won’t Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate?
A. It shows that he didn’t have a virgin birth.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Barack Obama.

Q. Why will Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he’s running out of George Bush jokes.

Q. Why will Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because she’s running out of other crazy things to do.

Q. Why wouldn’t Barack salute the American flag?
A. It was ours.

Q. Why will Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Carter doesn’t want to be the worst President in history.

Q. Why is Barack Obama so thin and scrawny?
A. If he were any heavier he wouldn’t be able to walk on water.

Barack Hussein Obama, Can’t We Joke About Him?

2008-12-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

Why is it I feel that, if I talk abotu Brack Obama, I’m gonna get slammed with comments and hatemail for being a racist or something along those lines? You know how hard it is to make a joke about a black person? Very hard. I can trash white folks, blondes, Jews, rednecks, doctors and lawyers - hell pretty much anyone I want so long as they’re not “African American.” W-T-F.

At anyrate, I’m immune. How so? Well these aren’t MY jokes - F&J is gonna let others do the talking for us. All the glory of coming up with something witty without any of that nasty email stuff. Sweet. Enjoy.

Ann Coulter - “I refer to him as B. Hussein Obama. He’s half white and half black, half Christian and half Muslim and half atheist. Something there for every Democrat.”

Jay Leno - “Do you know what Barack Obama’s middle name is? Hussein. Could’ve been worse. Could’ve been Kerry.”

Jay Leno - “Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence … and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.”

Bill Maher - “Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama’s great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won’t be Irish enough for people.”

Conan O’Brien - “The Reverend Jesse Jackson told CNN that he’s planning to endorse Barack Obama for president. Experts say this is a risky move for Jackson, because hardly anything rhymes with Barack Obama.”

Selling war insurance

2008-11-30T20:55:00.000-08:00

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

Play the Office Game

2008-11-29T20:54:00.000-08:00

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

Want a day off work?

2008-11-28T20:53:00.000-08:00

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

How all careers end

2008-11-27T20:52:00.000-08:00

How careers end...

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Artists' models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are discredited.

Holy people are disgraced.

Pastry chefs are deserted.

Perfume makers are dissented.

Butterfly collectors are debugged.

Students are degraded.

Electricians are refused.

Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discolored.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.

Photographer works

2008-11-24T20:47:00.000-08:00

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Repairing the phone

2008-11-22T20:44:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

Newest ATM machines

2008-11-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple.

You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno

George Bush slogans

2008-11-19T20:29:00.000-08:00

Top George Bush Slogans

1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.

4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.

7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!

8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers

10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

Question and answer Clinton jokes

2008-11-19T20:26:00.000-08:00

Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.

Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
A: "Trust me."

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--He'll only promise "change."

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they can't afford any more pork.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: They've been having turkey for years.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.

Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee--If No Recovery!

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.

Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.

Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.

Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
A: Who cares!

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.

Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.

Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.

Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose.

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.

Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who's been mugged.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.

Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.

Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
A: When he's sworn in.

Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
A: Bill Clinton of course!

Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb? A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free. Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"

Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.

Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.

Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55.

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He is stupid!

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.

Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R.

Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.

Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
A: Grade six.

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.

Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
A: Everything's $100.

Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.

Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.

Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".

Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.

Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Bill."

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.

Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
A: Because he filed as head of the household.

Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.

Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar.

Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
A: There is White-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he's acting.

Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.

Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?
A: "Over Here"

Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.

Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
A: Socialism is dead.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.

Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.

Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills.

Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.

Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.

Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks.

Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.

Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A: A free stamp.

Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.

Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.

Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.

Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
A: John Elway.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.

Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
A: An optimist.

Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy.

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.

Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.

Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.

Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!

Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
A: A snow job.

Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
A: No Job.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
A: Nothing . . . yet.

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?
A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.

Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.

Bill Clinton's haircut

2008-11-19T20:24:00.000-08:00

Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?"

Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.

Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!"

Christophe replied, "That makes us even."

Who would have been President?

2008-11-19T20:22:00.000-08:00

Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.

As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary "I went to high school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him.

Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President".

Hillary said "Oh yes I would--he would be President."