The Funsucker Chronicles

Movie Quote Monday #7 Holiday Edition: You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

2011-12-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

We begin Movie Quote Monday Holiday Edition with an undeniable classic, A Christmas Story. Ralphie wants one thing and one thing only for Christmas: A Red Rider BB Gun. The only problem is getting anyone to take his request seriously. Even the mall Santa poo-poos his appeal!

And I say this is a classic with utmost certainty since the house where the movie was filmed has been turned into an American icon, A Christmas Story House and Museum.

The Movie: A Christmas Story

The Quotes: "You'll shoot your eye out", "Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie", "It's a major award", "Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian", "Oooh fuuudge!", "Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra"

Around holiday time, the Funsucker children often catch a case of the gimmes. Gimme this, gimme that... it's unrelenting. Mama Funsucker puts the kibosh on this most undesirable behavior...

The Firstborn:

"I want a $700 digital camera even though I have never taken a photography class in my life and don't even know if I would like taking pictures."

Mama Funsucker:

"No. You'll shoot your eye out."

The Vidiot:

"I want the latest shoot 'em up video game for PS3."

Mama Funsucker:

"No. You'll shoot your eye out."

Baby Gurrrl:

"I want everything."

Mama Funsucker:

"No. You'll shoot your eye out."

The Funsucker children are for the most part good-natured, well-mannered little angels (pssst! Wanna buy a gently used bridge, cheap?) But on the rare occasion that they do act up and their father finds his wit's end, one child will quip, "Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!"

I have yet to decide if this is said out of genuine fear for their sibling's safety or an announcement of tickets for the event going on sale.

The Funsucker family is so enamored with this fine example of cinematic story-telling, even our Christmas tree participates in the quot-a-palooza. Behold the evidence in the following short video and photo:

Major Award Ornament
happily hanging on the
Funsucker Family Christmas Tree

We have a strict no-swearing rule in our house (at least for the children). The boy really takes this rule to heart. Even his friends know not to swear around him. Yes - he is capable of influencing several foul-mouthed 13-year-old man-children to keep it clean. He is the one you will often hear exclaiming, "Oooh fuuudge!"

We don't do a lot of Christmas caroling unless you count shouting above the radio in the car with the windows rolled down while driving past the middle school that Billy attends in order to embarrass the boy. At this point, it cannot be done without our favorite carol:

"Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra!"

The Setup: Ralphie and friends are gathered around the flagpole at recess. They are discussing whether or not a warm wet tongue will stick to a frozen flagpole when Schwartz employs the most sinister of all dares: the Triple Dog Dare! Dun dun duuuuunnnn...

Is your family like mine?

Do you use movie quotes in your daily conversations, too?

Tell me about it in the comments below.

Add a link to the movie on IMDB or Amazon and

if I haven't seen it, I'd love to check it out!

And don't forget to check out our previous episode

Movie Quote Monday #6: I'm Your Density

just in case you missed it.

What to do with Thanksgiving leftovers? It's as easy as pie!

2011-11-26T08:30:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had an awesome Thanksgiving with plenty of family and friends. I know I did. And now that you are finally waking up from the food coma, I'm sure you're wondering what the heck you're going to do with all that leftover turkey.

Make PIE!

Leftover Turkey Pot Pie

Ingredients:

2 cups leftover Thanksgiving turkey cut into bite-size pieces
2 cups leftover vegetables (frozen vegetables can be substituted - just heat them up a bit in the monkeywave first)
3 cups leftover turkey gravy if you have it (there is never leftover gravy at our family Thanksgiving because my Grandma puts saffron in it. It's insanely good) No gravy left? use a jar or mix, I won't tell if you won't
2 pie crusts (you can make your own but since I'm not a glutton for punishment, I use Pillsbury)
Salt and pepper to taste
Anything else you have leftover that seems like it would go well in a pot pie. My mother-in-law who is an awesome cook puts everything in there including the stuffing. I like the stuffing outside the pie but whatever.
1 egg beaten with 1 tablespoon milk

Preheat the oven to 450*. Place one of the pie crusts into a pie plate, preferably glass. If you are using the doughboy's pie crusts, you will want to roll it out nice and even first.

*Hint: Roll the crusts out between two layers of wax paper so as not to add any extra flour. Too much flour can make the crust dry and crumbly. It's also a little neater in the kitchen.

Do not poke holes in the crust. We are going to bake it with the filling in it so holes would be bad. Set the pie plate with the crust in it aside and turn your attention to the filling.

In a large bowl, combine the turkey, vegetables and whatever else you decided to throw in there. Add about half the gravy and stir it up. Make sure it is wet but not swimming. Add salt and pepper to taste.

Dump the mixture into the pie crust. Roll out the remaining pie crust and place it over the top. Seal the edges in your favorite manner. I prefer a fluted edge but you can use a fork if you like. Just remember, it doesn't have to be perfect. If your family is anything like mine, they don't care what it looks like anyway as long as it tastes good.

Brush the top of the pie with the beaten egg and milk mixture. Cut four slits in the top of the pie to vent the steam and place it on a baking sheet. Bonus: any spillage will land on the baking sheet instead of the bottom of your oven. Bake at 450* for 45 minutes or until golden brown.

*Here's another hint: If you like the edges of your pie golden brown instead of burnt to a crisp, take some strips of aluminum foil and wrap them around the edge of the pie to protect them for the first 20 minutes or so of baking.

And here's where the glass pie plate comes into play. You see, the thing I like about a glass pie plate is that you can see if the bottom crust is done. There is just nothing worse than a gooey bottom crust!

Now this part is important so listen up! You have to let the pie stand while you prepare the sides. If you forget to let the pie stand, it will be like eating hot lava. I know it's hard but you must wait. Whatever you do, do NOT dig into pie right out of the oven. Just trust me on this one. Consider yourself sufficiently warned.

Cut into eight slices and serve with whatever leftovers you didn't put in the pie. I like mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, rolls and the rest of the gravy. I will admit that extra gravy is the key to the success of this dish.

*Yet another hint: Next year, if you happen to be making pies for Thanksgiving dessert, consider making a couple of extra crusts to set aside specifically for this purpose.

So, what did you do with your leftover turkey?

Hooray for Turkey Day!

2011-11-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

Today, I am thankful for family and friends.

We are sharing our crazy family holiday with a family of foreigners who have never experienced a real American Thanksgiving feast.

You might want to say a prayer, cross your fingers and wish them luck.
They're going to need it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Leftover Mexi-Chicken and Rice Casserole

2011-11-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

Last night we had dinner from that crazy chicken place. You know, the one where they citric marinate and flame grill the bird and serve it with pinto beans and rice? And the crack tortillas? Yeah, that one. Daddy picked it up on the way home so there was a lot left over. (Daddy always buys too much)

Tonight we are having what's left of the chicken re-purposed into Mexi-chicken and Rice Casserole.

Ingredients:
3 cups chicken broth
1 1/2 cups uncooked rice
About 2 cups leftover chicken cut up into 1/2 inch pieces (no skin, please)
1 can cream of chicken soup (I like the red can in the 98% fat free variety)
1 cup milk
1 bag frozen Mexican style mixed vegetables
1 cup chunky salsa (I use the mild kind they make in El Paso) more or less depending on your taste
1 1/2 cup shredded cheddar and or jack cheese

Preheat the oven to 350*. Spray a 2 qt casserole with non-stick spray and set it aside.

Cook the rice in chicken broth according to the package directions except take it off the heat about 3 minutes early. The rice is going in the oven in a minute and you don't want it to be mush.

While the rice is cooking, chop up the chicken and throw it in the casserole. Add the soup, salsa and frozen vegetables. Next add the milk and this is where it gets a little dicey. You have to eyeball it a little. Don't be scared, it's not that hard. Mix in about a cup of the moo juice and see how it looks. If it looks too goopy, add some more. It all kind of depends on how watery your salsa is and how gloppy your brand of soup is. Now is the time to taste it. That's the great thing about working with pre-cooked chicken, you can taste it without making yourself sick and adjust the seasoning along the way. Now would be when you add more salsa or salt and pepper. I didn't add salt and pepper to mine but you might need to depending on your brands of soup and salsa.

When the rice is almost done, mix it into the casserole. If your sauce is a little gloppy, this will loosen it up a little bit. Add about half the cheese and mix that in, too. Be careful because your casserole is going to be very full by now.

Sprinkle the remaining cheese on top and bake about 30 minutes until the cheese is bubbly and starting to brown on top. Let stand about 10 minutes before you dig in so the sauce can set up a bit and it won't be like napalm in your mouth.

Serve with refried beans, chips and salsa, and any of those crack tortillas if you have any left from last night's dinner.

You could add diced green chilies or jalapenos if you like it spicy or if you like it crunchy, top it with a mixture of crushed corn or tortilla chips and cheese. My family isn't fond of crunchy toppings (they're crazy, I know) but I think it would be awesome.

Wow! I just realized this is another rubber chicken recipe. Maybe I should start a series. Hmmm....

What's your favorite way to stretch a chicken?

Movie Quote Monday #6 - I'm Your Density

2011-11-21T08:00:00.000-08:00

Rarely does a series of films maintain the same level of greatness from beginning to end like the Back to the Future Trilogy does. Back to the Future was THE summer blockbuster the summer before my freshman year of highschool. It was GROUNDBREAKING for the pop culture references alone. The cast was superb. Michael J. Fox was at the height of his career. Christopher Lloyd was a perfect silly Einstein as Doc Brown. Crispin Glover and Lea Thomspon were a perfect match for each other and the period. For me, Back to the Future ranks right up there with ET, Poltergeist, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club and Star Wars. You know, the classics.

The Movie(s): Back to the Future, Back to the Future Part II and Back to the Future Part III (Many of the quotes appear over and over throughout the series. Robert Zemeckis and Stephen Spielberg liked them just as much as we do.)

The Quotes: "I'm your density", "1-point-21 gigawatts!", "Flux capacitor", "Enchantment Under the Sea dance", "McFly? McFly? Anybody in there?"

Sometimes you need a little comic relief right in the middle of the throws of passion. Try whispering "I'm your density." Works every time.

Mr. Funsucker and I, being children of the eighties raising children in the electronic age have an affinity for all. Batteries come in various sizes: Double A, C-cells, 9-volt and "1-point-21 gigawatts".

Our clunker vehicles are always in need of repair. Neither of us is mechanically inclined so when asked what is wrong with the car, the usual response is "I don't know. Must be the Flux Capacitor".

Teenage daughter: "Dad, I need some money to buy a dress."
Dad: "A dress for what?"
Teenage daughter: "The school dance. duh."
Dad: "Oh, the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance?"

Teenage boys are notorious for having selective hearing and ours is no different. When his name has been called over and over but he just can't tear his face away from Modern Warfare 3, I tend to resort to knocking on his head and saying "McFly? McFly? Anybody in there?"

Eric Stoltz as Rocky Dennison
in Mask

Fun Fact: Eric Stoltz was originally cast as Marty McFly. Yes, That Eric Stoltz.

The Setup: Lorraine and George have finally found each other and are enjoying themselves at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance. Marty McFly has been asked to stand in with the band after the guitarist, Marvin Berry (Chuck's cousin) cuts his hand and can't play. In true Marty McFly fashion, he goes a bit too far with the reverb and once again offends his audience by playing too loud.

Is your family like mine? Do you use movie quotes in your daily conversations, too?

Tell me about it in the comments below. Add a link to the movie on IMDB or Amazon and if I haven't seen it, I'd love to check it out!

And don't forget to check out our previous episode
Movie Quote Monday #5: The Halloween Episode
just in case you missed it.

The teenager strikes again!

2011-11-19T10:14:00.000-08:00

My boss loves me. No, really. She brings me Starbucks. Often. She knows my order and on most Fridays I can pretty much count on a hot Starbucks waiting on my desk. It's a huge perk! (Haha, get it, perk?)

God I crack myself up!

Anyway, back to our lesson...

Yesterday, as I was driving the third and final leg the three hour tour we call carpool, I got a text. My first thought was "What the hell does he want and doesn't he know I'm driving?" Being the safety conscious mom that I am, I waited until I was stopped at the next light to look. It wasn't the hubster, it was Bosslady!

"Vanilla pumpkin eggnog latte? your choice today and today only haha"

My heart skipped a beat. Then I realized that I had two soon-to-be drivers in the mini-van for whom I must model the safest of driving habits. Without a thought to the consequences of my actions, I handed my phone over to my daughter and asked her to reply for me. "Tell her I want an eggnog latte, please. Don't I have the best boss ever?"

Here is an exact transcript of the oh-so-businesslike text that was sent to my boss:

"EGGNOG LATTE PLEASE OH BEST BOSS EVA LIGHT OF MY LIFE YOU'RE MY GURL"

She then slid the phone down into my purse and said, "I may have embellished a bit."

WHAT?!

Holy Jingle Bells, Batman! Is it Christmas Already?

2011-11-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

One of our local radio stations has begun playing Christmas music already. And I don't mean a sprinkling of random cheer every now and then. They have put on a full-out holiday blitz.

All Christmas. All Day.

What the hell?! I don't even have the Thanksgiving turkey out to thaw yet!!

The offending station seems to be the one least likely to offend and so is used on many local business hold lines. So this development has my whole office in such a tizzie, we have started the selection process to find a new hold station. At least until after the New Year.

Now I happen to like most Christmas music. Notice I said most. There are, of course, a few exceptions. I have made a list of my likes and dislikes because I know you were just about to ask.

Least favorite (in no particular order):

Two words: Manheim. Steamroller.
Anything containing the lyrics pa-rum-pa-pum-pum. I don't care if the Angel Gabriel himself is singing it, that redundant pum-pum-pumming is incessant this time of year. And who in their right mind brings a drum set to a baby shower? The whole thing makes me want to do something really mean to Whitney Houston. Except when she does it in that skit on SNL with Mary Catherine Gallager. That's frickin' awesome!
Anything by Bruce Springsteen.
The Christmas Song - especially when crooned by Nat King Cole. The fact that it's my husband's favorite makes me despise it that much more!
Those songs with the military personnel telling their families Merry Christmas from the war zone in the background. I know it makes me evil but there it is.
Carol of the Bells just sucks!

And since I like to end on a happy note...

Favorites (also in no particular order):

Feliz Navidad because when a 4 year old gets ahold of that one the exuberant joy is contagious!
Mary Did You Know? Beautiful and haunting. I may have once or twice possibly pressed the repeat button on that one while driving alone on a dark winter's evening.
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas by Gayle Peavey (although the original is by Shirley Temple but you can't hear that on the radio) and The Twelve Days Of Christmas by Bob and Doug McKenzie. Hilarious!
I'm embarrassed to say, several songs from the South Park album, Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. We save this one for when mommy and daddy are alone in the car.
Elvis baby! My mom had an 8-track tape of Elvis Christmas songs that I wore out when I was a little girl.
The Hallelujah Chorus. Especially like this:

So what do you think? Is it too early for Christmas music?
Do you have a favorite, or better yet, least favorite Christmas song?

What, are you 12?!

2011-11-12T08:00:00.000-08:00

How you doin'?

Why do husbands think it's so funny to embarrass their wives? At least mine does. He just thinks it's sooooo funny to make inappropriate jokes in the grocery store. I shop there every week.

I know people there.

The things that he says I cannot repeat. It is the kind of talk you expect to hear in a locker room or bachelor party.

And no matter how many times I beg and plead for him to

shut his frickin' pie hole,

he keeps on going. Getting louder and louder.

I can't squeeze a tomato or pick a cucumber without some stupid 12 year old remark. And forget walking down the feminine products aisle. You know the one with the K-Y and condoms? Yeah, my least favorite place. Right up there with dentist's chair.

Now some of you may say I should leave the ass at home. It's just that if I leave him at home, my family will have nothing but fruit, vegetables and healthy lean meats and grains to eat. There would be no end to the whining "there's nooooooothing to eeeeeeeaaaaat in this house!"

So I suffer through our weekly shopping trip, which he calls "date night". Hanging my head in shame. Constantly dodging the ass-pinch. Rolling my eyes at the stupid teenage crude wit. Gazing apologetically at the little old lady who overheard his perverted propositions. Praying to God there are no children around to hear.

One of these days I'm going to get him back. Maybe I'll put his boxer briefs in the freezer or put his fingers in warm water while he's sleeping. What? If he can act like a 7th grader, so can I!

What's in a name?

2011-11-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

If you've been reading for any time at all, you already know that I do nicknames. I go by many. Some I can share and some I won't. I nickname almost everyone in my daily life from the UPS lady, who I call Sweaty Betty (not to her face, of course) to my boss, who I affectionately refer to as Boss Lady (she actually likes that one). I have always liked nicknames and I think it's because of the time I spent at summer camp.

Back in the day, when I was a summer camp counselor, there were a lot of names to memorize. All the staff had camp names. We would go to great lengths to keep the campers from learning our real names. Sometimes we didn't even know each other's real names which, by the way, makes it very difficult to find people on Facebook. My camp name was MoonBeam (a name bestowed by my BFF, Paigey-Waigey). The campers would spend the whole time at camp trying to guess our real names. It was a huge secret.

On the last day of each session, we would sing the Mickey Mouse Club song and do Mickey Mouse Roll Call with our real names. For many campers, it was something they had looked forward too all week. Almost as much as prom or their wedding day it seemed by the giddiness that moment would generate. Still, it was highly likely that you could one day be shopping with your real-life friends and hear, "MOONBEAM!" from across the mall. Very embarrassing in certain circles.

Each week a whole slew of new campers would invade and the staff would switch units. That meant about 7 new staff members and 30ish new girls of which at least 15 would be named either Jennifer, Michelle, Ashley, or Brittany. Kids can tell if you don't know their name. It really alleviates a lot of homesickness if you can call them by their name instead of honey, sweetie, hey you, and tall girl. Homesickness in a summer camp spreads like the plague so I would use all kinds of tricks to help me remember.

Take, for instance, camper Stacy. She was not the sharpest bulb in the drawer so (in my head) I called her Spacey. She usually didn't notice if I would slip and call her Spacey out loud. The nickname must have been a self-fulfilling prophecy because that week, Stacy lost a tooth.

One of my favorite methods was singing a song with their name in it. Even at 18 it made me feel old if they didn't know that Julia and Michelle were Beatles songs. Sometimes they didn't even know who the Beatles were. It was really their parents' faults they had no culture, you know.

Being a Cheryl, I never had much trouble hiding my real name. It's not that common. I had never had camper with my name. I had a counselor with my name once but I didn't like her much so we'll not go there. So imagine how excited I was when we sat down to meet our new campers one session and discovered that we had 4 Cheryls. F-O-U-R-4! That excitement soon turned to "oh crap! How am I going to keep these girls from learning my name?" That week, every time someone called Cheryl, I turned around and said, "what?" Those kids knew my name by day 2!

I now knew what it felt like to be a Jennifer.

Ode to Cheez-its

2011-11-10T11:05:00.000-08:00

Crunchtastic

Saltilicious

Cheeziosity

Heaven with a Diet Coke

Reduced Fat beats Original Flavor

How is that possible?

Oh yeah, more salt

When I'm bored

You are there

When I'm anxious

You are there

When I'm not even hungry

You are there

When the spousal unit wants to hear the TV

You are there

You complete me

Perfect little orange square

Get your own box

Cheez-its are...

My friend.

10 Random Rants

2011-11-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

If you can't tell when it's your turn at the 4-way stop sign, maybe you shouldn't be driving.

I'm sitting at my fricking desk. Why did you call my voice mail instead of calling ME?

If you don't know why you are Occupying Wall Street (or any other street for that matter), go home.

If you are going to bring "goodies" to my office in hopes that we will do business with your company, be sure it's chocolate. Granola bars will get you nowhere.

1 16 year old pop star + 1 20 year old baby mama = JAIL TIME

72 days does not make a marriage. It only makes you and Ryan Seacrest look like an ass.

Please cover your ass-crack, whale tail and tramp stamp. There are children present.

Teachers at art schools who assign group presentations during tech week are pure evil. And by the way, who's bright idea was it to schedule the school musical on the same weekend as SAT II's?

If I had to bring my mini-van back to your garage 3 times in 2 months for the same problem, I probably don't want your oil change coupon.

Gray hair sucks!

Whew! It feels good to get that off my chest.

Do you have a rant you need to get off your chest?

Drop me a line in the comments below.

Movie Quote Monday #5 - The Halloween Episode

2011-10-31T08:30:00.001-07:00

The Movie: Ghostbusters!

The Quote(s): "I've been slimed!", "Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!", "There is no (Dana), only Zuul"

Being the mother of three, I cannot count how many times I have been spit up on, barfed on, sneezed on, coughed on, bled on, and pooped on (especially fun in a bridesmaids dress 20 minutes before your brother's wedding). I've even had post-surgical chest tube drainage somehow dribbled on me. My poor mother was the lucky recipient of Alyssa's umbilical cord blood spatter. All children believe there is no higher compliment than to douse their mother with their most foul excretions. I've found that the only natural thing to say when one of your offspring blesses you with their bodily fluids is, "I've been slimed!"

Having teenagers in the house used to mean they were always on the phone. Well, not anymore. Or at least not the old-fashioned way. Now they text night and day. So it is always surprising to me when someone actually puts the phone to their ear. And I'm nosey. So I generally will ask, "Who ya gonna call?" without even thinking about it. It is their way of saying none of your business to answer, "Ghostbusters!"

"Where's my insert missing item here?" is my family's favorite phrase. Variations include, "Have you seen my...?" and "Who took my...?" The obvious response: "There is no missing item, only Zuul."

Honorable mention: "Listen... do you smell something?" You can use your imagination on this one.

The Set-up: Dana (Sigourney Weaver) is possessed by a demon when Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) a member of the Ghostbusters team shows up for their date. He recognizes right away that he is speaking to a demon right off based on his considerable experience in the field. He must get through to Dana before the evil Zuul gains complete control and demolishes New York City and the entire world.

What's your favorite Halloween movie? Drop me a comment below!

Happy Halloween, Y'all!

2011-10-29T22:08:00.000-07:00

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Breastfeeding Was an Easy Choice Because I’m Cheap!

2011-10-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

Recently an old friend of mine from school announced on facebook that she is pregnant. With TRIPLETS. My first reaction was

How the hell is she going to feed 3 babies with only 2 boobs?

You see, all 3 of my children were breastfed. Alyssa only latched on for 6 months due to a nasty case of thrush that scarred both of us for life. But I thought I would have to go to kindergarten with the other two. Weaning was not our thing. And although I knew that it was, I didn’t breastfeed because it was best for my babies. I did it because I am cheap and lazy. There I said it.

CHEAP and L-A-Z-Y.

I still remember the new parent classes they make you go to when you are about to birth a military brat. They practically order you to breastfeed. Oh they tell you all the reasons it’s better for your baby. The vitamins, the antibodies, the skin-to-skin contact – all good things I wanted for my child. But what put me over the top was when they mentioned that breast milk is free and conveniently prepackaged.

It had never occurred to me before that day. No late night trips to the store for formula when you run out. Just pop out a booby. No mixing and measuring and toting around bottles. Just pop out a booby. No bottle washing and sterilizing. Just pop out a booby. No getting up in the middle of the night and trudging down to the kitchen for a bottle. Just pop out a booby. Oh my God this is so EASY!

I spent the first few months with that baby on the couch in my PJ’s with my boob hanging out. Most evenings Mr. Funsucker would come home only to find me asleep on the couch with the baby in my arms and my boob hanging out. I spent so much time on that couch that my butt became permanently indented with the waffle texture of the sofa fabric. To this day, Mr. Funsucker still calls me Waffle-butt.

I learned not to be shy about breastfeeding too. When you live on a military base, every other woman is either pregnant or breastfeeding. And the men don’t even bat an eye when they witness this miracle of motherhood. It’s practically a free boobfest and they don’t even notice. But tell them there’s a 2-drink minimum and they can’t contain themselves. Go figure!

Those are the only palms left in 29 Palms

But we weren’t on just any military base. This was 29 Palms in the California high Desert. That’s about 100 miles from nowhere and 6 feet from hell. The average summertime temperature there is 842° F in the shade. I’m not kidding. It’s hot. And dry. So dry, in fact that air conditioning is completely ineffective. Base housing is equipped with a “swamp cooler”. Don’t let the name fool you. It was not damp and it did not get cooler.

In that kind of heat, when it’s time to feed the baby, covering up is not an option. I remember many a party where 3 or 4 of us wives were lined up on the couch with babies on our boobs. Our husbands would just hang out and do what Marines do best, chugging beer. The running joke with my husband’s buddies was, “hey, I’ve seen your wife’s boobs.” “Yeah, you and what army?” I breast fed at changes of command, parades, potlucks, the bowling alley, the drive in movie, restaurants (which really bugs The Bitchy Waiter), Toys R Us, the exchange, and even at the commissary. I could breastfeed in the middle of a church if I wanted to and no one would have had a problem with it.

Now don't you fret, I didn't have to go to kindergarten with any of my children. They have all long since given up the tit. And we are all the better for it. All except maybe my saggy old mommy boobs. But that's probably TMI.

Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned at Summer Camp - Encore Presentation

2011-10-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

Now that the summer camp sessions are coming to a close, I thought it would be nice to bring this post out of the archives and re-post it with a few updates. Enjoy!

I have not always been a funsucker. I used to actually create fun. I spent the summers of my formative years at Camp Scherman where I eventually became a camp counselor. You may know me as MoonBeam. The life lessons I learned there have been indispensable to me. Here are just a few that have served me well over the years:

If ants invade your underwear, hang them out on a bush all day. The ants will eventually get bored and go find someone else's underwear to invade.
If the porta-biffy (Bathroom In the Forest For You) stinks only two days after it was serviced, you probably forgot to stir it. (Actual advice from maintenance staff: "Look around the back behind the porta-bif. There is a big stick back there like 6 feet long. Take that big stick and stir the chemicals into the poo.")
The threat of being sent to stir the porta-biffy is a really good motivator for most campers. Notice I said most.
Don't go swamping (flipping canoes over) in a fiberglass canoe wearing only your bikini and a PFD (That's a life vest for you land-dubbers). If you do the camp nurse will laugh like a hyeena when you bring 30 girls to the infirmary with fiberglass burns on their butts.

I'm in the center holding the
watermelon Jack o'lantern

Canoe paddles do not float.
Warm water cures all ills. (Except fiberglass burns on your butt. That requires a medicated cream. It stings.)
Watermelons make the best jack-o-lanterns.
A business-sized envelope is the perfect size for scooping tarantulas off of sleeping bags.
If you walk alone on a dark road without your buddy and/or your flashlight, the wind will whisper your name. And I don't mean in a Peter, Paul and Mary kinda way. It's really creepy.
If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down.
You plug it, you plunge it.
Licorice laces make great fishing line.
If you invite the maintenance staff to your cookout, they will do anything you ask. (Well almost anything)
The number of days a letter from home takes to reach a camper is equal to the number of days that camper is at camp +1.
Peanut butter gets sap out of any fabric and off your knees. Chunky peanut butter works even better because it exfoliates.

Front row, 5th from the right

Always carry your shampoo and a towel. You never know when you might be able to grab a shower.
You can fit a lot of stuff in a backpack but if you put your undies in there, you'll probably find them along the side of the road on your way BACK from the pool.
With enough ranch dressing, you can choke down almost anything.
Camp counselors do not make good flotation devices.
If they can see you, you are NOT on a break.
Just when you think no camper will ever guess your real name, you will get 4 new campers who share your real name all at once. Then the jig is up!
It doesn't really matter if the campers learn your real name because they will never remember it. When they see you in the real world during the off-season, they will most definitely call you by your camp name. Usually shouting. Loudly. Across the mall. Everyone in the mall will wonder,"who is this MoonBeam and what reality show made her a celebrity?

Bats eat bugs, they don't eat people and black socks never get dirty. The longer you wear them, the blacker they get.

Now that camping season is coming to a close, what the life lessons have you learned on your outdoor expeditions? If you were a camp counselor, did it teach you anything useful? I would love to hear your stories. Comment below!

Moves like Jagger?

2011-10-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

We all know it so sing with me...

All got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the mooo ooo oooo ooo ooo ooo ooo oooves like Jagger

Why on God's green earth would anyone want to have the moves like Jagger? Have they seen that chicken dance thing he does?

That is the question I posed to my 17 year old daughter on the way to school this morning. Her response?

"Because they don't know about Mick Jagger and it rhymes with swagger. Duh!"

Oh OK then.

I beg to differ. They do know Mick and they want his moves. What I don't understand is...

why?

Confessions of a bad housewife

2011-10-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

Confession time. I hate cleaning. I mean, I seriously hate it. It is the by far worst part of being a mom.

But today I could procrastinate no more. I went into the children's bathroom to get a hair brush and was assaulted by the filth that lay before me. It was worse than any truck stop bathroom I have ever encountered. The health department, had they seen it, would have declared it a public hazard and had it condemned. So, foul-smelling, germ-killing, sinus-accosting chemicals and a scrubby sponge in hand, I got down to the dirty work.

It had been... well... we'll just call it a while since it was really cleaned. There were dirty clothes on the floor, pony-tail holders under the rugs, coins (why?) and bobby pins in the corners, trash all over the place, and a disgusting layer of scuzz on every surface.

I picked up the dirty clothes next to the almost empty hamper. I say almost empty because really it was half-full... of soaking wet towels.

Aside - I remember when I was buying those white towels. The older lady in line behind me said I was so brave for buying 10 white towels. According to her, towels should be the color of the thing most often wiped on them. She said hers were the color of motor oil. Um... gross! I like the fact that no matter what nastiness they wipe off of their little hands, my towels can be bleached in the hottest water possible. But at this point they just smell like mildew.

Next, I removed about 15 empty shampoo and bodywash bottles to the trash can. I swear they multiply when you're not looking. There is a basket just big enough to hold all the little tubes and whatnot that one would use on a daily basis on the counter. The only thing actually in that basket were a couple of toothbrushes and a bottle of hairspray. Every other tube and bottle was on the counter behind the toilet or on the floor between the toilet and the sink. Seriously? Who raised these heathens anyway?

Once all that junk was in it's rightful place (or stashed out of sight under the sink) I scrubbed everything... twice. When I had finished scrubbing the toilet, sink and tub, I set to doing the floor. When I picked up the two bath rugs a shower of sand and God knows what rained down onto the marble tile.

Now I ask you, who in their right mind puts marble tiles in a children's bathroom? My landlord, that's who. Our tile was put in a couple of years ago after the entire bathroom had to be gutted due to the builder's lack or foresight and failure to use the proper wall material in the shower. As the wall was repeatedly soaked over 25 or 30 years, the tile eventually fell off the wall and smashed in the bathtub in the middle of the night waking and scaring the crap out of the entire family. We had to actually share a bathroom for months while that got fixed. I do not recommend it.

The new tile is a mottled beige and gray color somewhere between sand and dirt. Most people would say, "oh good, you won't see the dirt." I say, "How am I supposed to scrub the dirt off if I can't see the dirt?!"

And another thing... how on earth did they make the dirt travel from the floor halfway up the walls? Gross!

When all was said and done, I had used up whole roll of paper towels, 2 washrags, 3 different chemical-laden cleaners, and a sponge that had to be thrown away when I was done. I know it wasn't the environmentally sound thing to do but I had to consider my environment.

The room is by no means spotless now. There is still a layer of orange gunk on the back of the sink that will not come off no matter what I do. What on earth is that shit and how do you get it off? It's like stone! I have scrubbed and scraped and used untold chemicals and enzymes. It won't budge! If anybody out there knows how to get that off, short of torching the place, please let me know.

Movie Quote Monday #4: Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K

2010-09-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. This is one of those movies that people skip because they think they are too intelligent to enjoy it's stupid humor. They're wrong. The philosophical questions raised are deeply thought-provoking. What if future society was based on the philosophy of a couple of rock star wannabes? Would Socrates think Freud was a geek? And how would Beethoven make use of modern-day synthesizers?

The Movie: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

The Quote(s): "Excellent!", "Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.", "Dust. Wind. Dude.", "So-Crates", "Be excellent to each other and... Party on, Dudes!"

Strange things happen and when they do, Alyssa will usually be the first to proclaim, "Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K."

All good things can be described as "Excellent!" when accompanied by a most triumphant air guitar riff.

"Dust. Wind. Dude." have become stand in lyrics for the Kansas classic, Dust in the Wind.

No one in the Funsucker household has pronounced Socrates correctly since 1989 and they probably never will. He will always be known to us as "So-Crates."

A most excellent philosophy by which we Funsuckers always endeavor to live was spoken by Mr. Lincoln in the movie and has been repeated by us many times is "Be excellent to each other and... Party on, Dudes!"

The Set-up: Bill and Ted must get an A on their history report in order to avoid flunking out of high school. Little do they know that the future of all of civilization depends on them remaining together, forming their band, Wyld Stallyns, and being excellent to each other. If they flunk out, Ted's going to be sent to military school and all will be lost.

In order to save the future, Rufus (played by George Carlin) visits them in a phone booth time machine. They are to use the phone booth to visit various periods throughout history and learn all they can for their report. But they have a better idea. Why not bring significant people from history back with them to present their own impressions of current day San Dimas. They've already gotten ahold of Billy the Kid and now they're in ancient Greece about to bag So-Crates the great philosophiser.

Is your family like mine? Do you use movie quotes in your daily conversations, too? Tell me about it in the comments below. Add a link to the movie on IMDB or Amazon and if I haven't seen it, I'd love to check it out!

And don't forget to check out last week's
Movie Quote Monday #3: Inconthievable!
just in case you missed it.

Eight Questions (About Me)

2010-09-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

It’s a game of blog tag. And I just got tagged by Multiple Mama. Sounds like fun so I thought I'd try.

1. Why did you start blogging?
My husband Now What Dad? decided to do a blog to learn a new skill and build his portfolio. I can't leave well enough alone so I decided anything he can do, I can do better.

2. If you could travel any where in the world with no restriction of costs, where would it be and why?
All over Europe. I mean everywhere. Big cities, little villages, the countryside, the alps, everywhere. I would leave no stone unturned!

3. Did you have a teacher in school that had a great influence on your life? If so, what?
Actually, it was a trio of Girl Scout leaders that had the biggest influence on my life. They were crazy ladies who looked after other people's girls as if they were their own. They taught me to blaze my own trail and live like nobody's watching. I will be forever grateful.

4. If you could spend the day with a famous person, who would it be, and what would you do?
Tim Gunn. I could really use some fashion help.

5. Toilet paper — over or under?
Don't care as long as you don't use the last of it and leave me without.

6. Name one thing in your life that you would do over if possible.
I would have finished college. Not that I wouldn't get married and have kids when I did, but I would go back and finish. I know I still can but now is not a good time.

7. Tell about your pets — if any.
A fat guinea pig named Cookie and a betta fish named Blue Lightning.

8. Do you live in a small town or a large town. (You don’t have to name the town.)
Mid-size suburban city within a big metropolitan county. I know, California is weird that way.

And now for the really fun part. TAG you’re it! Yep that’s right. Take the same eight questions and run with them. Or at least answer them. Then go back to Multiple Mama's place and link up. Good Luck!

Movie Quote Monday #3: Inconthievable!

2010-09-06T10:36:00.000-07:00

The Princess Bride is a cult classic. If you haven't seen it yet, you really are missing a cultural experience. It's based on a novel but don't try to read it. It's so complicated, you'll never get past the first chapter. Believe me, the movie is better than the book in this case.

The Movie: The Princess Bride

The Quote(s): "Inconthievable!", "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.", "Have fun stormin' da castle.", "As you wish.", "I'm not a witch, I'm your wife.", "Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday."

Whenever something happens that was unexpected or surprising, any one of the Funsucker family can be heard muttering, "Inconthievable" just like Vizzini.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." is a fine introduction of oneself. It's especially perfect for door-to-door salesmen and children selling magaizines to keep off the street.

When the oldest child and her partners in crime are headed out the door to galavant and cause a ruckus at the mall, they are usually instructed to "Have fun stormin' da castle."

I often ask Mr. Funsucker to perform death-defying feats involving laundry, carpooling or diapering. When these requests begin to weigh on him, he will usually respond with "As you wish."

Mr. Funsucker is usually smart enough not to call me names but now and then, he may slip and call me a witch. I am such a good-natured soul that I don't get angry. I only respond, "I'm not a witch, I'm your wife."

And finally, everytime there is a scene of a wedding on TV or in a movie or even in real life, Mr. Funsucker will repeat one of his favorite lines: "Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday."

The scene I present today is my favorite from the movie. Billy Crystal and Carol Kane give amazing performances as Miracle Max and his ~~witch~~ wife Valerie.

The Set-up: Inigo and Fezzik have brought our hero, Westley (who has been tortured to death in the pit of despair) to Miracle Max in hopes that he can bring him back to life so that they can storm the castle and rescue Westley's true love, Princess Buttercup from the evil Prince Humperdinck who has married her in plans to strangle her on their honeymoon night thus instigating a war with Guilder. Is that a run-on sentance or what?

Is your family like mine? Do you use movie quotes in your daily conversations, too? Tell me about it in the comments below. Add a link to the movie on IMDB or Amazon and if I haven't seen it, I'd love to check it out!

And don't forget to check out last week's
Movie Quote Monday #2: Gopher, Everett?
just in case you missed it.

Dear Funsucker, I'm Torn Between Two Lovers

2010-09-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Funsucker,

It happened again last night and I don't know if my marriage will survive. My husband caught the laptop and I sleeping together again. This is not the first time and he has forgiven me and looked over it in the past. Excuses were made and I promised to not let it happen again, but I am afraid it will. The laptop and I work together so it makes it difficult to stay away. When my husband is around its just plain awkward even if we are working on a project. How can I balance both relationships?

Contritely,

Jezebel

Dear Jezebel,

I know the sleek lines and cold plastic of a laptop can be very arousing in a glow-in-the-dark sort of away, but your obsession is not normal.

And now it sounds like your objectophilia has gotten you into a bit of hot water. Objectophilia, also known as Objectum Sexuality, is a deviant disorder in which the person becomes attracted, aroused, and eventually emotinally committed to a particular object. It usually starts with a small inanimate object in their everyday life (such as an iphone or laptop) but it can manifest into larger objects (like a utility box). So while your involvement with your laptop may seem manageable, what are you going to do when the intensity of your disorder grows and you find yourself enamored with or, worse, married to the Eifel Tower? Woman, you need help!

As long as you haven't given your laptop a name it may not be too late. You can start by learning to objectify your husband and stop sexualizing your laptop. Imagine your husband has an AC adapter attached to his back or a battery compartment in his butt. Go as a nut and bolt for Halloween. The nut costume would certainly be appropriate for you. Eventually maybe you can flip your obsession from the inanimate to the living.

If that doesn't work, you can always try therapy but if you are sleeping with your laptop, I would venture to say your head couldn't be shrunk any smaller.

Do you have a question for The Funsucker? Drop me a line and maybe I'll answer your question here on the next weekly installment of Dear Funsucker.

Little Boy Lost

2010-09-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was my cousin's co-ed, family invited baby shower. She's having a boy. She feels great, thanks for asking.

It was a cute little luau complete with baby bottles full of beer (a game for the guys), flower hair clips, a pinata for the kids and lemon-filled cake clearly meant for me. The soiree took place at a very posh community center. It had a lagoon pool, pond with paddle boats, grassy knoll and picnic area. There was A LOT of water. Needless to say, it made me nervous to have the kids playing outside. But I had big sister there to help me keep an eye out. She was a big help!

Sometime during dinner, my grandmother looked out the window and asked, "Where's that little boy's mother?" This little boy was walking by himself across the patio, the pool on his right and the pond on his left. He looked scared and lost and barely 3 years old.

I was out the door. Stooping down to his level I asked, "Where's your mama?" I got nothing but a help me stare through puppy dog eyes. Taking his icy cold little hand in mine, I led him to the security office. There we met what I could only assume was a just-over-teenage boy wearing a jacket marked security. Seeing this pasty-white blond woman leading a very dark and very frightened Hispanic boy by the hand, he immediately knew the kid didn't belong to me. He turned right around and mumbling irritated whispers under his breath, led us into the little security office.

Captain Security asked me, "What's his name?"

Um... "What's your name?" me leaning down to 3 year old eye level again. Blank stare.

OK... "Como te llama?" Blank stare.

That's when I noticed the shivering. He was shivering! I remembered the icy hand. He was barefoot but he was wearing a sweatshirt and it was warm out so he should not have been that cold! He looked up at me with those scared little puppy dog eyes and his face distorted and the wailing began. He reached his arms up in a pick-me-up appeal. I couldn't help myself. I picked him up. Now I knew why his teeth were chattering and his hands were popsicles. He was soaking wet!

I was dressed for a baby shower, not a pool party. I hope it was pool water and not pee-pee!

Captain Security who was now engaging the loud speaker turned and asked me, "How old do you think he is?"

"Oh 2 or 3 maybe."

He made the announcement that there was a lost little boy in the security office and then gave me a look that meant, "how long do you think this is going to take because I get off in a few minutes and I have a date."

I inquired if they had a blanket or towel to wrap him up since he was obviously freezing. He tossed me a windbreaker from the back of a chair. It wasn't his jacket. He was wearing his. No telling who's jacket got possible pool/pee water on it?

So there I was with this precious little man crying on my shoulder. Clinging to me like a little monkey clings to his mama. Shaking and shivering and clattering his teeth. Sniffling and blubbering. And I was melting. I thought about what could have happened to this poor baby. There was water everywhere. He could have been at the bottom of that pond in a second. And if he was willing to go with me, who else would he have gone with? How long would he be gone before his mama noticed?

Just then there was a young woman peeking through the glass door with her hands up as if to say "What happened?" I opened the door and asked if he was hers. Obviously he was because he lunged for her. I had only been a poor substitute! I felt so rejected. I was glad his mother was there but I was so angry with her! All I could get out of my mouth was "He's freezing."

"I know. That's why I went to get his bag." Then she took her son and walked away. No thank you. No explanation. Just walked away.

Oh, she did say I'm sorry. To me. I hope she said I'm sorry to her son.

Movie Quote Monday #2: Gopher, Everett?

2010-08-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

Today's quote comes from one of my favorite movies of all time. I made mention of it in the original post - Movie Quotes to Live By. What I didn't tell about was all the other quotes from this masterpiece of American cinema that regularly make it into my (and my family's) vernacular.

The Movie: O Brother Where Art Thou

The Quote(s): "I'm gunna R-U-N-N-O-F-T!", "That ain't your daddy. Your daddy got hit by a train", "Gopher, Everett?", "Do.Not.Seek.The.Treasure", "We.Thought.You.Was.A.Toad"

I am the materfamilias. In this such capacity I am often discouraged and disgraced by the behavior of my progeny. When, in the course of the day to day strife of everyday existence, such is the case, I may be of the disposition to exclaim, "I'm gunna up and R-U-N-N-O-F-T!"

Mr. Funsucker, has a tendancy to act the fool. When he is at the height of foolishness, the children will, out of exasperation for his shenannigans and general cuttin' up, simply exclaim, "Daddyyyyyyyy!" It is to their exclamations of woe and discontent with their jester of a father, the I must remind them "That ain't your daddy. Your daddy got hit by a train." Such puts to rest their utter embarrassment and shame that they may one day grow to resemble their paternal forebearer.

Sustinence is a source of constant sorrow in the Funsucker abode as there is rarely any food that meets the approval of the varmints we claim as offspring. They can often be heard bewailing the lack of anything appropriate to eat even though my marketing strategy includes much stockpiling. In these instances, Mr. Funsucker will undoubtedly offer "Gopher, Everett?"

I am of the belief that teenagers ought be afforded the opportunity to step out into the world to sow the seeds of their own folly to a certain degree. But such endeavors are not easily accepted by my consort in parentage. They always elicit his whispered warning: "Do.Not.Seek.The.Treasure." The only reasonable response to which is, of course, "We.Thought.You.Was.A.Toad"

Not all of the quotes we love appear in the clip below. Were I to include them all, I would have to publish the whole film. If you want to see them all, you can always search for them on YouTube.

The Set-up: Ulysses Everett McGill has convinced his companions, Pete and Delmar to escape off the farm together. The major motivation being a buried a treasure of one million point two. They have only a few days to make it to the treasure before the great state of Mississippi dams the river and it'll be at the bottom of a lake. The evidence of their incarceration remains in the shackles that continue to bind them together. They have made the long trip to visit Pete's cousin Washington Bartholemew Hogwallup who's loving Cora has left him to care for their young son and family farm all alone.

Is your family like mine? Do you use movie quotes in your daily conversations, too? Tell me about it in the comments below. Add a link to the movie on IMDB or Amazon and if I haven't seen it, I'd love to check it out!

And don't forget to check out last week's Movie Quote Monday just in case you missed it.

Dear Funsucker: I Need Isaac to Pour Me a Drink!

2010-08-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Funsucker,

I need your help overcoming my fear of cruise ships!

My family has asked (begged) me for years to go on a cruise vacation, but I seem to have a fear of boats out on open water. I mean what is so great about a cruise?

Have you seen the Titanic? No one has for years because it is on the bottom of the ocean! Have you seen Shark Week? Sharks, with Big Teeth, live in the ocean. They are always searching for cruiseships, waiting for one to go down. I would rather eat lunch on land than BE lunch in the water.

Am I being ridiculous? Should I continue to completely enjoy sitting ON LAND in my beach chair, reading my trashy novel or should I try to find a life vest with shark-proof metal mesh and give in to family pressure?

What is your advice for this mom with cruise-o-phobia?

Dear Cruis-o-pbobe,

The only way to beat your fear is to look it in the eye and spit a big loogy in it. Go on a cruise with your family. Do whatever it takes to get past your fear. If you have to wear a life jacket the entire time, then do it! I'm sure your family will take your gesture and blog it forward.

I know a cruise line that never disappoints. The Pacific Princess shoves off every Saturday at 8PM (7 central). The cruise only lasts an hour but there is always a lot of activity. First you'll litter LA Harbor with about 3 tons of confetti as you wave "Bon Voyage" from the Fiesta Deck. Once you settle in, go visit Julie, your cruise director. She'll help you choose your activities which range from a quick volleyball game in the pool with Swedish supermodels to catching a late show with Charo or the Pacific Princess Mermaid Dancers.

Don't forget to stop by the bar and have Isaac fix you a drink. He's sooooo cool! Oh and his buddy Gofer can help you solve any problem. He's always got a trick up his sleeve.

If you're lucky, you can even sit at the captain's table with Captain Stubing and his lovely daughter Vicki. Some A-list celebrities are always seated at the captain's table. You might see the likes of Ruth Buzzy, Jim Nabors or even Zsa Zsa Gabor!

And if you get sick hunky Doc Bricker will fix you right up.

And don't worry about the sharks. Nobody ever falls overboard. Not really.

If you can face your fear I'm sure your children will declare you #1 mom. Just remember when you decide to spit that loogy into the eye of your phobia, make sure you stand upwind!

Guest Blogger: Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

2010-08-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

CrunchyVTMommy is an amazing mix of 100% natural granola and FD&C red #4. She shops at the farmers market wearing her cloth-diapered baby all the while making use of as many toxic chemicals her hair can take and her salon can provide. She's the mother of a toddler with a baby on the way - very soon I might add. Her writing is honest and edgy and that's why I like her. She doesn't pull any punches!

Please help me welcome CrunchyVTMommy as my very first ever guest blogger! And when you're done reading and commenting here, go visit her, follow her, and leave a comment. Oh yeah, and you can catch my guest spot on her blog while you're there. Now aren't you lucky?

Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman:

I have posted before about the kind of things people should never say to pregnant women: Things You Should Never Say To A Pregnant Maniac

It seems that I will never run out of material. There is something about the pregnant form that renders people (usually men) completely inappropriately insane!

Last week I was working away at my desk when a male coworker approached me. I said hello but made it pretty clear that I wanted to focus on my work. Did not matter. Hints are not taken well at my workplace. The ensuing exchange went a little something like this:

Man:    Bet you can’t wait to lose weight and get your old body back.

Me:      Um, I am not really worried about it. I am not fat nor have I ever been fat, I am pregnant and even if I was fat who cares anyway?

Another male coworker walks by. Begins eavesdropping – a specialty at my workplace.

Man II:   Oh ya I bet you are dying to not be fat anymore.

Me:          Are you serious right now? Really? How does this sound “Must suck to be old. Bet you cant wait to not be old anymore. Did you like that? Was that nice?”

Who says things like this!?! It is as if people feel they have a right to discuss my body in any fashion they choose because I am pregnant. Why is this? Being pregnant with a one-year-old, full time job, etc. is difficult enough without people habitually making insensitive comments.

I have pretty high self-esteem. It stems from years of lying to myself. Therefore these comments do not bother me too much. What bothers me is the underlying motivation. I want to know what makes people feel that they have a right to comment on a pregnant woman’s body.

Would somebody PLEASE explain it to me?