Funymail

Santa Attacks

2012-01-14T01:41:00.000-08:00

santa selling parachute, tells the customer "jump from plane n press button & you can land safely."
CUSTOMER: if it doesn't open????
SARDAR : PAISA WAPAS.......

**********
santa is walking along the road. He sees a banana peel. What does he think??
"UFF, Aj phir girna padega!!"

Then next day he is walking along the road, he sees two banana peels. What does he think????????
"Ispe se giru, ya uspe se????"
Then the day after that he sees a lot of banana peels on the road. So he calls home and tells his wife..
"AAj ghar late aaoonga!!"

**********

After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.
Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.
When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.
Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.
Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

**********
Customer: Is mirror ki guarantee kya hai?
Santa : It is 99% safe.! 100 feet se fenkoge to 99 feet tak kuchh nahi hoga"!

**********
Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?
Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

**********

Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have come again..

**********

Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Santa : I was watching TV na....

Rajni Mania

2012-01-14T01:20:00.000-08:00

Rajnikanth was bragging to Amitabh Bachan one day, “You know, I know everyone. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.

Tired of his boasting, Amitabh Bachan called his bluff, “OK, Rajini how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it” Rajini said.
So Rajini and Amitabh Bachan fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door,
And sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts : “Thalaiva! Great to see you! You And your friends come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Amitabh Bachan is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Rajini that he thinks Rajini knowing Cruise was
Just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else” Rajini says
President Obama”, Amitabh Bachan quickly retorts
Yes”, Rajini says, “I know him. And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Rajini on the tour and motions him, saying, : “Rajini, what a surprise, I was just on my way
to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of
coffee first and catch up”.

Well, Amitabh Bachan is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” Amitabh Bachan replies

Sure!” says Rajini, “My folks are from Italy and I’ve known the Pope a long time”.
Rajini and Amitabh Bachan are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.. Sure enough, half an hour later Rajini emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Rajini returns, he finds that Amitabh Bachan has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to Amitabh Bachan’s side,
Rajini asks him, “What happened?”

Amitabh Bachan looks up and says,
“I was doing fine until u and the pope came out on the balcony and the Italian man next to me said,

“Who’s that on the balcony with Rajni?”

Top Joke of 2011

2011-12-23T01:46:00.000-08:00

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, with a sense of pride n satisfaction she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said Hello! :D :P

Gods Gift

2011-08-19T01:12:00.001-07:00

A man got two wishes from god.
He asked for the Best drink & best woman...
the next moment he got Mineral water & Mother teresa...

lesson:
.........Investment matters are subject to market risks. Please read the offer document carefully before investing...

"Janhit Me Jaari".....

Take Boss temperature

2011-08-17T07:39:00.000-07:00

A grumpy, overbearing office manager once had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses, bossing them around just like he did his employees. None of the
hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who would stand up to him.

She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for a few minutes he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse said, "For this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After inserting the thermometer, she said, "Now, I have to go get something. You stay
just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and the man cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door snickering. After quite some time had passed, a doctor walked
into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes... but never with a DAFFODIL!"

*********************************************************
Two drunks were driving down the road. The first drunk looked
over to the other drunk and says, "I think we are getting closer
to downtown."

The second drunk says, "How can you tell?"

The first drunk says "We're hitting more and more people."

She is a woman ( Always Confused ! )

2011-08-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring

If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy

If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad

If you don't, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her

If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait

If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"

If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold

If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics

If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction

She is a womanIf you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen

If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:

So simple, yet so complex

So weak, yet so powerful

So damning, yet so wonderful

So confusing, yet so desirable......

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

2011-08-10T07:13:00.001-07:00

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'

He said-- I'm Just Kidding---!!!

Loyalty Test

2011-08-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

Wife bought a Dozen underwear of same Color for hubby....
Hubby-y Same Color?
Peopl wil think I never change underwear...:O
Wife-Whch people?

A man sent a SMS to his wife

2011-08-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

"Hi Darling, I am just having my last Peg and I will be home in 30 minutes;
If I am not, please read this message again!"

Wedding Invitation

2011-07-31T05:27:00.000-07:00

Mr.& Mrs. Kanjar Singh request ur Chutia presence on d ****ing marriage of their bhenchodi daughter:
CHUDDI RANI
with
LORA SINGH
S/O Mr & Mrs. Dalla Ram
.
VENUE:
Raveena randi da kotha,
Bhosri Pura,
Dist. Kanjar baad
Chudai Pur,
Randistan
.
Progrm:
CHUMA CHATTI, 11 Aug
***** DIKHAI, 12 Aug
***** CHATAI, 13 Aug
Full THOKA THAKI, 14 Aug
.
RSVP:
Mama Muthal
Nanna Loray Lal
Masi **** Devi
.
Mele MAMI ki Chudai me jalool-2 Ana
;-Baby Luly

Best sexy jokes

2011-07-31T05:26:00.000-07:00

Wife :

Whenever I sing why do you stand in the balcony?

Husband :
To ensure that our neighbours don't think I'm ****ing you forcibly..!

__________________

Girls hostel main call aata hai:
caller: mona hai ?
warden: kaun mona..peeche kya lagati hai ?
Caller: ab ka to pata nahi ..pahle sarso ka tel lagati thi !!

*************************************************

Salman Khan to abhishek bachan : aapko pata hai aaj tak kinte log aishwarya ko chod chuke hai?

Abhishek :.. no idea

Salman : Get IDEA
******************************************
Girl enters in a *** shop...........
GIRL:Where is the artificial ***** section?
SHOP KEEPER: In that corner mam.
GIRL: How much for this big red one?
Shop Keeper:Sorry mam, thats not a toy,Its Fire extingusher.........
*********************************************************
Bhaiyon yeh wala to all d singles out der....
14 ko sagai thi.
15 ko shaddi thi.
16 ko beer ki barsaat thi...
Jab ankh khuli toh hath mein LUND aur chaddi barbaad thi.

Sexy Hindi jokes

2011-07-31T05:23:00.001-07:00

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

*******************************************************8
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him,
but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need",
then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on
the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his
chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground
floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you -
I'm coming!"

**************************************************************
Kaam wali bai says to malkin after seeing condom on bed: Yeh kya hai?
Malkin said: Tere gawon mein *** nahi karte kya?
Kaam wali bai: Karte hai malkin per itna nahi ke lund ki khal nikal jaye!
*******************************************************
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
*****************************************************************
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Best of hindi sex jokes

2011-07-31T05:19:00.000-07:00

Sardar 1 Randi Ki Chudai Kar Raha Tha
Chudai Karte Waqt Usne Randi Ki ***** Me Moot Diya
Randi Ne 1 Thappad Usko Rasid Diya
Sardar :
Kyo Mara?
Randi:
Behanchod,Public Place Me Peshaab Karta Hai

*******************************************************
Naughty boy draws a ***** on the black board. Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one
& writes: 'jitna ragdogi utna bada hoga...

******************************************************
Ek aadmi govt job ke liye interview dene gaya. Interviewer -
Aapki koi majburi to nahi?
Aadmi:- ji sir, asal me pehle main fauj me tha, jung ke dauraan
meri taango ke darmiyaan ek bomb phata aur mere TATTE ud gaye.!
Interviewer:- Ye to koi problem nahi...Monday se aap join kare.
Hum sab 9 baje aate hai, aap 11 baje aana.
Aadmi:-aisa kyun?
Interviewer:- Hum sab 11 baje tak kuch nahi karte,
bas TATTE khujlate rehte hai

*****************************************************
Preeto: Aaj koi naye style mei *** karenge

Santa: Hei???...Sochne de...OK chal KAAN mei daalta hu..

Preeto: Haai....mei behri ho gayi toh?????

Santa: Chup Bhenchot....Aaj tak kabhi GUNGEE hui kya??

****************************************************
Judge : as you are the key witness, can u tell me the exact place, where this man ****d ur wife?
Sardar Lifted sardarni's saree and said: here my lord.

***********************************************************
Nigahon Se Nigahein Mila Kar To Dekho
Kabhi Kisi Ladki Ko Patta Kar To Dekho
Hasratein Dil Mein Dabane Se Kya Fayda
Apne Haathon Se Zara Daba Kar To Dekho
Aasmaan Simat Jayega Tumhare Aagosh Mein
Ladki Ki Taangen Phaila Kar To Dekho
Agar Ye Na Kar Sako To Haar Mat Manna
Do Boonden To Zaroor Girengi Yaaron
Zara Apne Lund Ko Hila Kar To Dekho.

**********************************************************
A young girl after her honeymoon
came fully exhausted and tired,

When her friends asked her what happened?

She replied :
When this 70 year old ******* told me
he has saved a lot from last 50 years,

“I thought It was MONEY"
*********************************************************
Boobs ki atma-katha

Mera janam 12 saal baad hua,
Rang layi mere chahne waalon ki dua.
Jab mai bilkul choti thi,
Tab mein frock mein soti thi.
Fir mere aakar ka vistar hua,
Neebu badh k Anaar hua.
Jab mai badhne lgi,
Her kisi ki nazar mujhpe padne lgi.
Hua fir Bra mera ghar,
Ab lagne laga mujhe dar.
Jab mera size hua bda,
Jaane kitno ka hua khada.
Bheed me Ladko ne hath mara,
Mujhe ehsas hua bahut Pyara.
Fir na jane kitno ne dabaya,
Sach bada maja aaya.
Kisi ne pyar se sehlaya,
Kisi ko pyar se chusvaya.
Kisi ne mujhko masal diya,
kisi ne mujhpe Apna lund ragad diya.
Jab mai gayi jhul
Log mujhko gaye bhul

Ek Naya Type Ka Sawal

2011-07-31T05:13:00.001-07:00

Jab Se Mardo Ko Aapas Mein Pyar Karne Ki Permission Mili Hai, Tab Se Tailor Log Ek Naya Sawal Karne Lage Hai.

Sir, Aapki Pant Mein Zip Aage Lagani Hai Ya Peeche?

Non veg jokes ka baap -14

2011-07-31T05:09:00.001-07:00

Teachero You Know The Importence Of Period?

Student:Yes Mem, Ek Dafa Meri Sister Ko Nahi Aaya.Mom Sun Kar Mar Gai,Daddy Ko Heart Fail Hua.Aur Humara Driver Bhag Gaya!

Non veg jokes ka baap -13

2011-07-31T05:08:00.000-07:00

Scene: Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce.

The problem: who should get custody of the child????

Wife jumped up and said: “Your Honour! I brought the child into this world with pain and labour so it should be in my
custody.”

The judge turns to Husband and says “What do you have to say in your defence?”

The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

“Your Honour. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it? the machine’s or mine?”

Yeh sunke…Wife replied : “Judge sahab…bartan mera…doodh bhi mera…aur usme dahi jamane ke liye 2 boond daalne se dahi bana
to fir wo dahi kiska..? mera ya do boond daalne wale ka”

Husband replied : “Typewriter mein kagaz Maine dala, keys daba-daba kar mehnat Maine ki, fir chithi kiski? typewriter ki
ya meri?”

Frustrated Judge (getting mad): “Abay saale agar Tu chithi haath se hi likh leta to yahan par custody ki
naubat hi na aati.”

Non veg jokes ka baap - 12

2011-07-31T05:07:00.001-07:00

Shikva Nahi Kisi Se Kisi Se Gila Nahi

Wah Wah Bahut Achhe,

Shikva Nahi Kisi Se Kisi Se Gila Nahi,

Us Ka Bra Hi New Style Ka Tha Jo Hum Se Khula Nahi...

Non veg jokes ka baap - 11

2011-07-31T05:06:00.001-07:00

Que:-
Why BOYs WALK
Faster Than GIRLs
&
GIRLs TALK More
Than BOYs?
^
Ans:-
B'coz,
BOYs Have 1Extra LEG
&
GIRLs Have 1Extra MOUTH.

Non veg jokes ka baap - 10

2011-07-31T05:05:00.000-07:00

Lady-Dr mera hole bahut bada hai!!
Dr(hole dekh kar)-ye to gufa hai,ye to gufa hai,ye to gufa hai!!!
lady(gusse me)-isme 3 baar bolne ki kya zarurat hai??
Dr-behen ki lodi awaz gunj rahi hai!!!!

Non veg jokes ka baap - 9

2011-07-31T05:03:00.000-07:00

Arrested for laughing!!
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young Woman who was several months pregnant was sittin in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her
she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat & he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more, she filed a court case on him.

In the court the Man's defence was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming Soon- The unknown boon'..
I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's stick did the trick'..
Then I could not control myself any longer,
when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident..
The case was dismissed..n judge laughd 2 death.

Non veg jokes ka baap -8

2011-07-31T05:02:00.000-07:00

Kothay Par Police Ne Chapa Mara, Tumam Logo Ko Line Me Khara Kiya, Waha Se 1 Boorhi (Old) Aurat Guzri, Usne Line Me 1 Larki Se PochaYaha Kya Ho Raha Hai?

Larki: Aam Bant Rahe Hain.

Boorhi B Line Me Lag Gai, Jab Us Ka Number Aaya To Police Ne Kaha AMMa Aap Bhi?
Boorhi : Munh Main Daant Nahi To Kya Hua Choos To Sakti Hoon na……

Non veg jokes ka baap -7

2011-07-31T04:49:00.000-07:00

Ek Madrassi Ki Nayi Nayi Shadi Hui, Aur Vo Biwi Ko Leke Honeymoon Manane Train Mein Ja Raha Thha.

Train Mein Sath Wali Seat Par Ek Angrej Bhi Betha Thha.
Madrasi Ke Dimag Mein Aya Ki Agar Main Apni Biwi Ka *** Is Se Karwa Lu To Bachha Gora Paida Hoga

Madrassi Ne Angrej Se Puchha: “Kya Tum Meri Biwi Ke Sath *** Karoge?”
Angrej Ne Khush Ho Ke Kaha: “Jarur, Kyu Nahi”
Angrej Ne Ek Baar *** Kar Liya
Par Madrassi Ne Sochha Ek Baar Aur Karva Leta Hu,
Angrej Ne Phir Se Uski Biwi Ke Sath *** Kia,
Madrassi Ne Sochha Ek Baar Aur Ho Jaye Toh Pakka Ho Jayga,
Madraasii Ne Angrej Se Kaha: “Ek Baar Aur Kar Lo”
Angrej: “Nahhi, Ab Nai Kar Sakta”
Madrassi: “Kyuu?”

Angrej Muskurate Hue: “Kyunki Mere Pass Sirf 2 Hi Condoms Thhe“

Non veg jokes ka baap - 6

2011-07-31T04:47:00.000-07:00

Mirza Galib ne har baat par sher kaha,

Shadi hui to sher kaha,

Ghunghat uthaya to sher kaha,

Kapde utarein to sher kaha,

Phir jab Tangein uthaain to bole

"Le aayi phir kahaan par kismat humain kahan se,
Ye to wohi jagah hai Nikley they hum jehan se"

Non veg jokes ka baap - 5

2011-07-31T04:46:00.001-07:00

Kisi Shaayar Par Ladki ne SUSU Kar Diya.

Shaayar Bola: A Chanchal Shokh Haseena Ye Kaisi Naadani he?

Ladki Boli: BENCHOD Jis ZEEL se Tu Nikla, Ye Usi ZEEL ka Paani he.!

Non veg jokes ka baap -4

2011-07-31T04:45:00.001-07:00

"SCHOOL" ki yaad me arz kiya hai..

Sab mujhe kehte the school ka chamakta 'SITARA'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Kyu ki..
.
.
.
.
.
.
Maine 7vi me hi khol diya tha 12vi ki ladki ka nada.