1.  The Sentry Gun PC

The single coolest thing to happen to Team Fortress 2 servers since the game itself, “TiTON“’s Sentry Gun PC is the most beautiful sight outside of a burning Spy.  As well as being an excellent reproduction of the ultimate in BLU team point defense, the tripod-mounted heavy-calibre (fake) machine gun is a decent desktop as well, featuring a GeForce 9600 and a Core 2 Duo processor.

This means you can set up sentries on Team Fortress 2 while playing on a sentry from TF2; so you’re so many levels into an imagination, you have to start setting yourself on fire to make sure you’re not a spy.

2.  Real Life Warthog

Halo servers don’t actually need any promotion, what with the game being connected to approximately every college student dorm in any country, so this real-life Warthog is nothing but luxury.  Awesome, awesome luxury.

It’s even the original Bungie team who get to ride in the recreation of their creation, creating a “Cycle of Awesome” which could be used to drive all coolness on Earth -  except they’re a little too aware of how this is a one-of-a-kind result of weeks of work.  So they drive carefully, apparently unaware that driving carefully in a Warthog is like fasting on the set of Iron Chef.  Luckily there are real Halo servers where you can skid that thing’s beautiful inverse kineamatics right through an opposing soldier’s face.

3.  Real Life Crates!

You’ll see crates on almost every FPS server, with “Time Until You See A Crate” acting as respected review system, but you pay far more attention to the crates on Counter-Strike servers.  Because you normally pay more attention to things that can hide terrorists with machine guns, or if you don’t you need to radically re-evaluate your priorities.  All of which make these real life crates a thousand times more awesome than wooden boxes have any right to be.

Part of the best-named art exhibit ever made, the “de_dust installation,” pixelated packing was placed all over the city, popping up in streets and stations and generally making people try to reload while walking down the street.

4.  CERN Crowbar

The above escaped server-stuff is slick, but none of it ever protected Earth from interdimensional invasion (though we can see that Warthog being significantly awesome in an urban combat environment).  Luckily some cyber-citizens saw that CERN’s screwing around with the stuff of spacetime could lead to a resonance cascade (and a little alliteration) and organized probably the best nerdy thing ever to happen.

They sent CERN a crowbar, a headcrab for practise, and a strategy guide detailing what to do in the event of alien invasion (specifically, a Half-Life strategy guide).  And because some scientists are awesome, the actual factual Gordon Freeman (codename: Sandro Bonacini) came out to demonstrate his readiness.  Even cooler, as if that was even possible, Sandro’s work is in radiation-resistant logic components - so he really couldn’t sound more like a videogame scientist if he was wearing body armor and could run top speed while carrying ten thousand rounds of ammunition.

1.  A wargame where jumping like a tazed rabbit doesn’t confer a tactical advantage

The Call of Duty series creates an incredibly realistic environment, equips you with authentic weapons, has graphics so advanced that ghillie suits work, and then prances all over that with players leaping like turbo-boosted kangaroos.  The only way a marine could jump that high in full kit is by standing on a claymore, and in real life, a terrorist whose panic reaction to an MP5 is jumping?  He’ll be that soldier’s “funniest confirmed kill I ever had”.

On CoD4 servers you can be killed by expert players who bounce and crouch like fast-forwarded gymnasts.  An amphetamined-Mario couldn’t keep up with them.  You’re pouring machine gun fire right into them, and when they land behind your corpse after a triple inversion somersault you expect them to score 6.0 for Grace, 5.9 Agility, and 0.0 in Realities of War.  Halo servers technically suffer this problem even worse, with ten-tonne armored space marines leaping like they have trampoline-simulators in their futuristic space boots, but the great thing about cyborg soldiers fighting a race of space-mushrooms is that it never claimed to be realistic.

2.  Mice which administer electrical shocks to people who miss five times in a row but still play Sniper

In case you’re going for a Guinness record in “Not being aware of cool stuff”, Left 4 Dead servers are the best place to kill zombies until someone connects virtual reality to Army of Darkness. It sold over two and a half million units at retail and, in case you haven’t noticed, Valve don’t sell most of their stuff at retail. That means that even without counting digital downloads, which is kind of Valve’s entire deal, there’s an entire population of Jamaica-worth of people enjoying killing the dead on L4D servers.

Of those, a group of seventeen thousand have threatened to boycott Left 4 Dead 2 for a range of offenses ranging from “How dare you make another game” to, we kid you not, “We don’t like the use of fiddles.” It’s really hard to argue with people like that (but not for the reasons they think.) That’s about zero point zero zero seven per cent of the retail audience, or put another way: if you were in a room with a hundred people this group wouldn’t even count as the mass of dead skin.

Other problems with the protest, which we’re going to call the “We Hate Good Things” movement, include how Valve actually listen to online feedback. There’s the terrible risk they might in any way acknowledge these whiners - the worst thing you can do short of feeding a Gremlin after midnight. These people complain that constant perfecting of the balance, extra game modes, and entire extra levels don’t count as appreciable free content - they should spend some time as XBox users, then they’d really know what a monolithic corporation blocking downloadable content was like.

The best problem with the “boycott” is how it’s impotent as a nervous panda. These are people who spend time organizing online protests about games that haven’t even been released - they’re less likely to resist the actual product than a fat kid in Willy Wonka’s Emergency Donut warehouse. They simply won’t be able to live without the new game, if only so that they can play one of the best things ever and complain about it. (Again.) The only real risk is that they’ll use this perceived insult as hollow justification for piracy, as happened with Spore, but then they’ll only have themselves to blame for being unable to download extra content.

In fact, we kind of hope they’ll live up to their improbable promise of “finding something else to do.” It’ll let the rest of us play Left 4 Dead servers in peace.

CHAINSAWS!

CHAINSAAAAAAWS!

YES!

There’s a bunch of other stuff too, but honestly: who cares. All that matters is six cylinders of Evil-Dead-annihilating action hardware, and the inevitable awesome nod to Ash from the awesome Valve writers. Besides, you can tell an awful lot about the game from that one critical item.

1. Left 4 Dead is now essentially perfect

The only thing missing from any Left 4 Dead server, ever, was this ultimate in zombie-solving hardware. Any L4D server player will tell you that the claustrophobia, the insane hordes, the frantic escape and screamed commands are all there already. Left 4 Dead 2, or Left 2 Die as we’ll refer to it, is building on the same engine. With other companies that could mean a lazy sequel, with Valve it means that the best game ever just got improved for a solid year by the best multiplayer game designers in the business.

The new charger will punch your camping ass right out of those defensible little rooms.

Expect even more intense action sequences with a more exciting Director, less scummy places for exploiters to hide, and special infected specifically designed to pull the four of you out of that corner where you’re standing in a stack.

2. Actual melee weaponry

L4D server veterans have seen the melee attack evolve in their never-ending battle against the undead. It’s always been an emergency measure, a desperate “Get away from me!” flailing using whatever you happen to have in your hands (and the irony of beating something to second-death with a medkit was always enjoyable). The ability was “upgraded” with the tiring, making it more like the zombie movies you can’t just stand in a corner slapping and screaming “Keep away!” That is, in fact, exactly how you know someone’s going to die.

Now there are dedicated melee weapons, and early reports indicate that players will have to choose between long range firepower and close range domination - or more accurately, communicate to find a good mix between the two. Those on Left 4 Dead servers live or die by their co-operation, and you can bet Left 4 Dead 2 will feature infected springing out from the most unlikely places. Expect instant close range attacks to stress the importance of close range weapons like the CHAINSAW, chainsaw, and of course CHAINSAW! (We’re told there are weapons like axe, baseball bat and slapstick frying pan, but honestly, everything else might as well be nerf bats.)

3. Melee tiers

If the chainsaw proves anything, other than how Valve love us and want us to be happy, it’s that the melee weapons will be tiered like the firearms. It’s just not possible to have baseball bat and rotating-blades-motor-death-machines in the same set of options. There’s bound to some balance issues to prevent a close-cutting-quartet - most likely the chainsaw will be the slow and heavy anti-special infected weapon, possibly with brief warm up and cooldown times, while (as any TF2 server player will tell you) the baseball bat is a rapid attack weapon for clubbing down crowds of corpses.

It all comes down on November 17th.

What do the trailers tell us? As multi-players, not a whole lot. There are a whole bunch of single-player factors like the return of Soap, the shadow of Zakhaev, civilians, snowmobiles, and various other things about as likely to affect online play as a lead-lined box in a Farady cage. What we want to know is: what can we expect on the next generation of Modern Warfare servers?

For one thing: brilliance. The developers have stated that they’re thinking of multiplayer this time - which implies they created the single sharpest multiplayer shooter in existence by accident last time, some sort of hilarious software-coding slapstick with people flailing at keyboards and hitboxes without really trying. More than that, they created the world’s first MMOFPS (Massively Multiplayer Online First Person Shooter). You’ve already got levels and unlocked abilities, persistent between different “quests” (different modes and opponents on different CoD4 servers) - the only things you’d need to add to create a full MMO are the crappy bits: walking from mission to mission, talking to people to buy stuff, shooting hundreds of things that aren’t other people to level up.

There are a few elements from the trailer which could be multiplayable. The first are the riot-shields, deployed (to virtually no effect) in a crowded battle. Any counter-strike server veterans will tell you that the riot shield is slightly less use than just gluing yourself to a wall, without the increased stability. We can hope that Infinity Ward will balance it a bit better. The clear panelling is a definite step forward, meaning you no longer sacrifice both your gun AND your eyes for the ability to crouch until you’re shot in the side anyway, but since it usually means “Give up your primary weapon” it’s unlikely to be a popular option.

The key to whether this is a new game or just a level pack will be in the integration of modern elements. If it hadn’t been half as good as it was, CoD4 would have scored enormously simply for not being set in World War Can-We-Go-Home-Now-II, but it’s true success was the application of intelligence and airstrikes (which were so good they were brought into CoD5 servers despite not being physically possible in the setting).

It’s hard to imagine what else they could add, but that’s why they develop the games and we play them. The trailer does refer to aiming Hellstrike missiles, a possible upgrade to the Airstrike option, but giving it a different name won’t change the effect it has on the game. What we do know for sure is come November, we’ll be running Modern Warfare 2 servers and vigorously testing them.

What does the Spy Update mean for players?  Every update has created a temporary ecology on TF2 servers, a surge in the updated class and new predators designed to hunt them.  The medic update was a feast for backstabbers, while the Scout update gave every Engineer ever about a million kills.  While the Sniper update will do nothing but increase the average TF2 server from “Too many Snipers” to “Far too many bloody Snipers,” the Spy’s new toys have the potential to permanently alter the game.

1.  The Dead Ringer

This cloak-alternate does what Valve do best, taking half-broken ideas from Team Fortress Classic and making them playable.  The original “feign death” option was useless, only ensuring that everyone wasted time shooting corpses like there was a Zombie uprising scheduled that evening.  This timepiece instead creates an corpse, as well as proving you can get away with puns this terrible if you’re awesome enough at everything else.  (For more terrible pun proof, see: “Every TF2 Achievement List.”)

Expect a temporary massive increase in speculative fire, as seeing a Spy drop dead - previously the most satisfying sight in the game - is no longer a guarantee.  Pyros will be more useful than ever (assuming Valve don’t do anything idiotic like creating a fully ghost-like immune cloak).  The corpsewatch might need some tuning: they say it creates a clone on your first non-lethal hit, but everyone needs at least a few strikes to bring down a spy.  As it is people will learn to distinguish between a Dead Ringer and a Dead Real-one.

2.  The Cloak & Dagger

An excellent alternate.  The Dead Ringer might be a gimmick, but between this and the classic cloak there are two very different styles of play.  Recharging your shield by standing still means every moment is espionage action, the skill staying in the right spot while your cloak comes back - masterful missions all the way to the enemy spawn are now possible.

The standard cloak can still compete with it’s metal collection - every good spy has at least one incredible run through a warzone, scooping up enemy weapons to burst through to the objective.  This route will be faster than the C & D’s, but riskier, as the ammunition crates you need to keep cloaked are high-traffic areas.  While backstabbing someone then using their weapon is priceless.

3.  The Sliding Sap?

If that just looks like a low-resolution cap, you aren’t an Engineer.  That’s the moment every hard-hatter online screamed, seeing the Spy slide a sapper to destroy a Sentry Gun remotely: otherwise known as “One More Reason Engineers Are Boned.”  It may just be a slick cinema trick, but Valve have shown off incoming upgrades in videos before (the Flare Gun in the “Meet The Sniper” video, and watch the “Meet The Spy” video again - you’ll notice some different looking hats and helmets around the place).

Even standing by the building, Spys are an even match against a single Engy.  If they can remotely sap the hardware before getting close the repairing Engy will be a sitting duck for the mother of all backstabs - and when the long-suffering constructor goes down, his buildings will follow him to Engineering Valhalla moments afterwards.

Update anticipation is a much more exciting sport since the Scout Update, when Valve proved that yes, they can get things totally wrong.  But they’re still awesome, they always fix things, and we’ll be waiting with bated breath to see what really happens.

Well, bated breath and a butterfly knife.

Gentlemen.

Besides, people are busy watching those far better than you’ll ever be:

1.  The Impossible Bunny Hop

CounterStrike server bunny-hopping is like spam - fantastically annoying, but people keep doing because it keeps working.  And every once in a while you get something awesome out of it, though the spammers would have to send you C1@L1S which gave you superpowers to match this incredible bunny-hop:

Even in image form it’s impossible.  The video looks super-impossible.

Yes, he jumps clear across the de_dust lower passage from the hole in the wall, which you might recognise as fifteen million times further than the tiny CS jump can actually go (Warning: Scale distorted by awesomeness of jump). After that the video degenerates into the usual “Watch me kill loadz of d00dz” stuff, which you don’t need to watch: if you play on a CS server, then you’ve seen that movie already.  As the hero or an extra, that’s up to how good a player you are.

2.  Death From Above!

If you really want to Jump Around, you can get into House Of Pain or a Left 4 Dead server.  Since grunge stopped being cool approximately sixteen years ago, one second after it was created, we recommend the latter.  L4D leapage is delivered by the Hunter, who we like to think of as TF2’s Scout after falling on hard times, pawning his bat, and maybe getting infected by a mutagenic virus a little bit.  The playstyle is the same: use cool double-jumps, get in fast and do as much damage as you can before being annihilated.  It helps if you can jump better than a Kangaroo with rocket-pogosticks for feet:

Hello Hunter, this is NASA Mission Control, you are GO to land on Zoey.

Most Hunter-hopefuls make the mistake of relying on speed to strike, thereby winning the “charge directly at four people with automatic weapons” General Custer Award for strategic thinking.  Instead, use the double-jump to gain incredible altitude then fall like the wrath of a taloned god on the weakest of the group.  From the video you’ll see that by “incredible altitude” we mean “You’ll have to avoid satellites on the way down.”

The survivors are never looking straight up (and even if they are, it’s still impossible to aim well), though it takes Terminator-grade targeting and reflexes to aim as you fall.

3.  How To Spy

EvilDaedalus is a minor celebrity on the TF2 Server circuit, and instead of the usual show-off videos (do something cool, set it to music, profit in comments) he’s crafted excellent tutorials to help his enemies.  His spy tutorial remains the best espionage education since James Bond started giving night classes in cunning linguistics.  Even better, as Team Fortress 2 servers are updated, he annotates the video with the latest and greatest changes and tweaks.

4.  Pubmasters Pwnage

“Pwnage” is not a word we use without quotation marks to contain the massive levels of sarcasm, but there’s truly no other way to describe the Pubmasters‘ antics.  Because the designers of the English language just didn’t equip us for “four counter-terrorists stacked in a human column running in sync and shooting people, in an awesome manner.”  It’s not they foresaw.  It’s not something the Counter-Strike designers foresaw, in fact, as this expert clan abuse and seduce every glitch in the game into utterly unstoppable tactics.

Yes, they’re running around in a stack. Yes, that can be done.  No, probably not by you.

If you round a de_dust corner and see five men in a vertical stack, you’re dead.  Even if you kill one the others will demolish you, and even then your last thought will be “That rocks!”