gardenpunk

The End

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 23:45:00 +0000

I have decided to stop updating GardenPunk(s). This blog no longer represents who I am or my life. The old Katie is gone, and this blog is a representation and celebration of her. New Katie may well have a blog of her own, in due time.

I have worked very hard to amass the following I have, and it makes me sad to leave this behind, but it's time.

Thanks for the memories. Best of luck to you all.

Katie

Health Update

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 03:29:00 +0000

Hi all,

I wanted to share the most recent health update with everyone who has followed along with my nightmare.

Yesterday my doctor called me and wanted me to schedule an appointment to go over my most recent bloodwork.

I went in today and was referred to a Nephrologist (kidney specialist) and Hemotologist/Oncologist (blood specialist, they told me not to let the Oncology title scare me).

My kidney function is actually trending down instead of up. I have extremely high ferritin levels and an elevated white blood cell count.

That's it for now. It makes me want to scream.

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Today was not a good day.

(PS - My mom went with me to my appointment and didn't think the skull and crossbones shirt was the best choice. heh)

(PPS - My mom wants to add that today was a bit of a setback, but it was a good day because we got to spend it together.)

Dear Happy Buddha

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 20:59:00 +0000

You were a precious gift many years ago from a dear friend, likely after a night of too much wine. I took your place in my house very seriously - you always had a prominent spot and you have always been the first thing I've unpacked in a new place.

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You've seen me through four places and I honestly started to wonder how Happy you really are and what your influence on my life really is.

Are you a good luck charm? Or something more sinister...?

Is there a darkside to you? After all, you're the one that said, "Life is suffering."

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And suffer I have.

But the enlightenment I've attained is that the best personal growth comes from suffering. Learning to quiet the mind and spirit and just be. And remember, it's only after disaster that we can be resurrected.

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And resurrected I have been. A beautiful new garden. A new outlook on life.

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While I'll never know the true influence you've had, I think the best is yet to come, because from the darkest nights come the brightest days.

Thanks for being a constant companion on the adventure that is my life.

Authenticity

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 23:26:00 +0000

Do you have it?

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I've really appreciated the thoughtful comments on my last post about Growing up tomboy.

Thank you.

Growing up tomboy

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 21:32:00 +0000

Last week I came across an article in which Angelina Jolie indicated her daughter, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, likes to dress like a little boy. Angelina and Brad encourage her to dress as she wishes.

I have some expertise in this area - I grew up a tomboy and (honestly) never really grew out of it. I want to mention that this is the first time in my life I've had a short haircut except for when I was a baby. Generally speaking, I'm much more comfortable in a t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops than heels and a dress. I tend to cringe at the thought of wearing heels. I've always been athletic and highly competitive. I'm more at home hiking than I am at a show (whatever that is). I clean up nicely, but feel awkward and out of my element...even if I can pull it off and look hot. Yes, HOT. You'd be surprised.

I keep seeing Shiloh's attire called cross-dressing and "baby tranny" and am really not thrilled with the connotation of that. What defines "boy" clothes vs. "girl" clothes? Because I want to wear a t-shirt, I'm dressing like a guy? Because Shiloh likes to wear fedoras, she's a "baby tranny?" (Shame on whoever you are and any media outlets writing that.) I just don't get it.

The reason I bring this up is because just like guys are tired of women falling for "bad boys" while claiming all they want is a "nice guy", I too grow weary of guys who are half-interested in a girl with a truck, but end up with girls that wear high heels everyday, think shopping is a hobby, and worship mindless celebrities.

Don't you think this world would be incredibly boring if everyone was the same? Are you going to let society tell you what is "attractive" instead of listening to yourself?

I guess some sheeple will just never get it...

The struggle I have right now is learning about where I've gone wrong in the past, and being able to acknowledge and incorporate that information into my life without changing who I am at the core of my being.

Because I won't change who I am and neither should Shiloh.

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21 years

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 18:47:00 +0000

I sometimes feel like the years of my life are slipping through my fingers like sand. As tightly as I clasp my fingers, it still manages to get through. I feel a rush to do things and accomplish things before I have no time left.

Patience, grasshopper.

But I had a moment yesterday in which is realized I have another 21 years before I turn 50. That seems like a long ways off, and 50 isn't even "old"...

I've got all the time in the world, but want to live as if each day was my last. I can speak with authority on the topic because back in February, it almost was.

Whoa

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 14:48:00 +0000

Yesterday I learned where "tough girl" came from.

I keep having dreams where I'm wearing a cape. Per Google, "To see or dream that you are wearing a cape implies that you don’t want to expose your feelings or emotions to others. You have a fear of allowing people too close to you."

Ouch. Wow. Re...really?

Whoa.

I have been disappointed by others my whole life to the point where I feel like I can't rely on people. Asking people for help is akin to pulling my own teeth with pliers. I feel like and have always felt like I have something to prove to everyone including myself - fuck off I can do it by myself and I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP. I can wrestle this alligator by myself and walk away feeling powerful.

See! I wrestled the alligator!! What now bitches!!

And nobody is impressed. Ever.

I've developed the "tough girl" personality to keep myself from having to be vulnerable. To me being vulnerable means being powerless, weak, and is humiliating. So I instead become brash, tough, loud and emotionally unavailable.

So now that I have this information, what do I do with it? I guess that's the next stage of my journey.

The process of learning about myself has been enlightening, difficult, and emotionally exhausting, but I wouldn't change a thing about the way I've had to do it. Self-examination isn't pretty nor comfortable, however hard work pays off and I'm in a good place.

A completely different person.

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The Universe...

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 20:52:00 +0000

I was finishing packing up this morning when I saw this in a potted plant of mine on my balcony:

It's a volunteer tomato plant! Only true gardeners get them. What makes this one so interesting is that a) this plant was a gift, b) this plant was an indoor only plant until it got ants when I was in the hospital and thus moved outside, c) because it was a houseplant, it was never near any tomatoes and d) the palm in the pot was nearly dead until it started coming back to life.

Gardening imitating life I suppose.

So as I close the book on one chapter of my life and begin another, I can't help but be excited for the prospect of gardening again. I think the universe is telling me I'm ready.

I wish

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 03:31:00 +0000

Last week I read The Wishing Year by Noelle Oxenhandler. Over the last week I've looked at myself and life in a different way, and with the help of my amazing friends (and therapist), am figuring out that I always wait for the other shoe to drop. ~~Because it always does.~~

Going through life waiting for something bad to happen is like inviting that negative energy into your life. Here, I have a seat for you at the table. Make yourself comfortable. I made plans back in 2002 that saved my ass last year (Thanks to my ∆∏∑ brothers and friends - those people I can call in the middle of the night and KNOW they will be there, no matter what. Do you have those people in your life?) because I knew even back then that forever doesn't mean forever. I always have a "Plan B" I guess, blame that on my Risk Management degree/background. But what would happen if you put out good, positive energy into the world and stopped waiting for the bad to happen?

That's kind of where the book takes the author. She was skeptical of "wishing" for things, but through the course of her friendships with some interesting people, decided what the hell, might as well (or as Monica said recently, "fuck it in a bucket.") Oxenhandler wished for a man, a house, and her soul. The book follows her wishes over the course of one year.

Lesson: What you put out into the universe comes back to you. Good or bad. Why not focus on the good?

I've always gotten everything I wanted - and I do mean everything* J. It was just a matter of setting my mind to something and relentlessly pursuing my goal. No negative self-talk involved, no worrying about failure, just sheer determination and viola! Goal reached. It's kind of like a game for me. A test to see how far I can go and what I'm really capable of.

*I am awesome and you are just awestruck.

For example, when I wanted desperately out of an old job, I took out a piece of binder paper and wrote 10 times, "I, Katie oldlastname, will find a fabulous job in Folsom." and carried that paper around for less than a month in the bottom of my purse, and then I found my current FABULOUS job. (That I must add to which I am really looking forward to returning).

Was it just the fact that I "put it out into the universe"?

Was it because it gave me a goal to focus on?

Was it because I invested positive energy into myself?

Whatever it was, my outlook has changed. Only positive. Yes, there are rough nights - just because I'm positive doesn't mean there isn't a wicked strong darkside to me, it just means I choose to not spend my time and energy there. I'll acknowledge it and move forward.

As for what to wish for...

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Namaste

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 05:06:00 +0000

I've missed yoga the last two times my gym has offered it. I find that I really enjoy it and need to carve out time to go. And really, I just miss yoga.

Feel the breath in your chest filling your lungs.

Breathe in and out.

Focus on what needs attention in your body.

Let it go.

I've teetered at the edge of the abyss of negativity for too long. In talking with my closest friends, they understand and get it. Have I always been that way? Was it just the last few months? Whatever it was, I'm done.

Going forward, only humor and positivity here. Cross my heart and...well, not that.

Namaste.

Untitled

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 14:30:00 +0000

There's something about me...and you can't put your finger on it.

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Yep. Under your skin.

Change is good

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 18:22:00 +0000

[Soundtrack to this post: 25 to life]

I downloaded Eminem's latest album, Recovery and hooboy is it awesome. You can listen to the whole thing on his MySpace page. Brilliant.

So I pick myself off the ground and fuckin slam before I drown

Hit my bottom so hard I bounce twice suffice this time around

It's different ... I finally feel like I'm back to normal

I feel like me again

Let me formally reintroduce myself to you for those of you who don't know

The new me's back to the old me and homie I don't show no

Signs of slowin up, pullin up, blowin up, all over no mo

My life is no longer a movie but the shows aint over...

I'm back with a vengeance

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Last week was awesome. I want more weeks like that. The transformation and changes are helping - I'm giving away or replacing everything from my old life - being replaced with items that mean something to me. Me being the operative phrase here. Learning about what I like. Not having to listen to anyone else. Shedding the skin of my old life like a snake. Listening to music I like. A new phone. A new bed. Getting rid of furniture. Books.

Good riddance.

The past I used to look back at as if it was yesterday is becoming more of a distant, hazy memory, as if it was a dream that fades when I try to think back on it. (Maybe it was the illness?) What I see clearly is the opportunity of the future. I can't wait to move next weekend. Renewal. Non transitional. A place where I can finally separate from my past and truly start over.

Home.

I am awesome and you are just awestruck.

Zen

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 03:24:00 +0000

As many of you might have noticed, this last week I've seemed to have a more positive tone. I think it's because I am past the "angry stage" and about to start over with my life, and SO looking forward to it. The anger I felt was overwhelming and scary. I saw it coming, poked it, and didn't want to pass through it... but in order to get past it and on to the good stuff, I had to experience it. It sucked and then I cried and it was over. On to bigger and better things!

This last week has also been a lot of fun because three of my "online friends" have now become "in real life" friends!

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Today I went to lunch with Shane and we laughed and had an overall good time (hence the picture on the statue). It's always nice to be around someone with a positive attitude who can infuse a dose of zen into your life. I find that hearing other people's perspective on life is something I really enjoy.

A couple months ago, Shane posted this list. I'm sharing it with you because it's so awesome.

--------------------------------
Ten Rules for Being Human
by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

Moments & Discoveries

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 04:50:00 +0000

We have been having the most magical sunsets here in NorCal lately.

I ♥ NorCal.

Tonight I finished a book that I feel will have a profound impact on my life. I devoured it in two days and am left drunk with the possibilities that it has opened up for me. I need a few more days to absorb it and then I will share it with you here, and what those possibilities mean for my new adventures.

Speaking of adventures...

Next weekend I am moving. I did "the apartment thing" for 6 months and have realized it's not for me. A friend helped me find a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom rental house not too far from work or where I currently live for an insanely low price for Folsom. The house is fully furnished, so why am I hanging onto furniture that represents my old life? Furniture that's seen me through the last decade, and at my worst in the last few months? Furniture that has memories and bad mojo?

Pay it forward.

Next week I'm going to list my loveseat, chair, ottoman, coffee table, and bed on Craigslist for the taking. You haul. So what if I have to sleep on the floor for a few weeks?! Beds have memories, and I need to make new ones. But I'm keeping the goddam kitchen table. Love that table.

Dear Universe,
Thanks for the lessons, but I'm moving on.
Sincerely, Katie

Today I had a moment of pure joy. I was driving on Scott Road south of Folsom which is a windy, hilly road and there I was in the Black Pearl singing at the top of my lungs to music that's probably too loud to be good for me while my sub vibrated my back window, squealing and laughing hysterically while going over roller coaster-like hills. Pure bliss.

Just. Let. Go.

The 6 weeks before I got sick were probably the happiest 6 weeks of my entire life. I've been thinking a lot about why I feel this way and have come to the conclusion that I was most myself during this time - I let things go, didn't plan things, allowed spontaneity into my life, and just "figured shit out" as I went. I sense that once again my momentum is shifting in that direction, and it makes me smile. Good things and big adventures.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Tonight's sunset was so moving, I found myself nearly in tears and had a strange sense of connectedness I haven't felt in a long time. Birds were dancing in the waning light and families were streaming out of their apartments and onto the trails surrounding us. I sat on my balcony and drank in the sunset, grateful for the lessons I've had to learn over the last few months. I thought of how I've told people that sometimes I wish I would have died in the hospital - it would have made things easier for me. I don't expect you or others to understand why I feel that way, but I intimately know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I'm living proof.

I'm at a place in my life right now where I feel like this is a jumping off point for my next adventure, and I have a feeling it will be better than anything I've ever experienced to date.

Wish me luck.

How do you like dem apples?

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 18:58:00 +0000

It was only 10 weeks ago that I was in a wheelchair. I've blocked a lot of what happened to me in the hospital out of my head because it does me no good to look back at how horrible it was. And horrible doesn't begin to describe it. Frankly, I don't want to talk about it or be reminded of it anymore, ok?

It also doesn't help that this was sitting on the edge of my bed.

I'm currently doing a 365 project in which I take and post a self-portrait everyday. I started it before I got sick and only got as far as picture 48. I restarted the project and am once again at picture 48:

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I thought it would be fitting to post a picture of me at the gym. I go everyday without fail, 7 days a week. I see my awesome personal trainer twice a week; money well spent if it means I get back to my old self that much faster. In the picture on the right I am doing my favorite situps with a 9# bar - I was using a bar with no weight last week and was doing them with the 18# bar before I was derailed. Half way there! (Remember these? Yeah, they're almost back, just a little scarred and worse for the wear.)

The last post wasn't meant to be a trick - I was referring to ME loading! I'm 90% back to where I was before this nightmare began, and the last 10% is closing quickly.

So, how do you like dem apples?

Progress

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 18:57:00 +0000

Katie Loading

90% complete

No Comment

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 03:17:00 +0000

I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy

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Speaking of patience

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 21:52:00 +0000

It's going to take approximately 1-2 years for my hair to get back to where it was before I buzzed it.

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Push

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 22:21:00 +0000

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I was recently accused of pushing whenever something acted upon me. Encounter a physical limitation? I push myself through it. I push myself hard- at the gym, in my recovery, and in general. I push against people hard. Push me? I'll push you. Get close and I'll push you arm's length away.

I'm not sure why I push.

It's like walking a dog where the dog gets hot and stops. Instead of being understanding, stopping and giving the dog some water, my inclination is to drag the dog on it's leash and finish the walk.

Related to pushing, I force things because I'm not patient. I don't let things just happen, I have to make things happen the way I want them to. And how's that working out for ya? This is where I'm learning to just shut my trap and stop forcing things to happen. Enjoy the moment, live in the present, and stop making plans.

Being in control isn't about pushing, it's about accepting.

Grace.

What I learned today

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 01:36:00 +0000

I have an illusion of control.
When you insist on being in the driver's seat all the time, you never give someone else the chance to drive you around (figuratively).
What's it like to be a passenger anyway? (figuratively)
You teach people how to treat you.
Power + Femininity = Grace
Sometimes it's about what you DON'T say.
I have a side to my personality that is the opposite of Tough Girl - soft, gentle, "naturally beautiful"

Tough girl is easier though....

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Love, cont.

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 20:09:00 +0000

"Stages of romance", graffiti by unknown

I came across this picture online a few weeks ago.

Lover? Yes.
Love? Maybe.
Loved? No.

I guess I've just never gotten that last privilege in a romantic relationship.

I'm amazed by all of the thoughtful comments on my last post about love. You've all given me a lot to think about and while I'd enjoy responding to each of your comments individually like usual, I'm going to draw the line on getting too personal for the first time in this blog's history.

However, I will make 3 comments in response to yours:

1. I am unequivocally interested in men.
2. I hope that someday I will change my mind on love.
3. Maybe love did keep me alive.

Love

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 22:40:00 +0000

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I've been thinking a lot lately and I've come to the conclusion that I don't really believe in love.

At least not for me.

And I'm ok with that.

The Flag

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 23:59:00 +0000

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Black Pearl officially has her flag.

(Picture #33 of my 365 challenge.)

Old Katie, New Katie

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 06:49:00 +0000

With each passing day, I realize how much my near death experience has changed me. For one, I'm now calling it a near death experience. I was in a bar last week and an older gentleman came up to me and said, "You're either a survivor or an athlete, either way you're cute." It was the first time I was called a survivor.

Me? A survivor? A near death experience survivor?

I now know what being a survivor means - and only survivors understand what I'm talking about. Trust me, it's not some elite club you want to be a part of - it's just that I don't have to explain myself to people who've been through what I've been through, they just understand. A quiet collective consciousness, if you will.

I've had an infusion of wisdom. I see with a new, clearer, 10,000 foot perspective, and sometimes that's really hard to accept because it forces you to see things that have always been there that you never wanted to admit. Denial is a strong beast, and change isn't always pretty.

Over the last two months I've grieved, but never really knew what I was grieving for. The loss of my old life? No. The loss of my body? No. I was grasping at straws with my anger and frustration. I couldn't figure it out until someone put it into words for me:

I was grieving the loss of the old Katie.

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There was nothing wrong with the old Katie. She didn't have to or deserve to die, but she did - left among all the beeping machines and tubes in the hospital. She was naive - innocent even, and there was a sweetness to that. Unsure of herself at times, but constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt. Afraid of missteps and afraid of death. Afraid of being herself.

The new Katie is different. She's not naive. She sees things with a new outlook and set of parameters that she's still trying to figure out and feel her way around. She knows there is a deep, dark abyss - a terrifying place that gives her a sense of disquiet. Ms. Darkside. A place she needs to embrace and accept because she can't continue to push, pound, or numb it away. She's tough as nails and won't let you forget it. She laughs at death and certainly isn't afraid of being herself, whoever that is now. It's never easy waking up in someone else's body.

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This new frame of reference applied to old Katie stuff is confusing. Things that weren't important before have taken a new significance (like missing my dog). Things that were once important are now the "small stuff" in life, a place where you don't waste mental energy.

One thing hasn't changed - Nothing Less.

With that discovery, how do you start over when your personality has completely changed?

The journey with a thousand miles begins with the first step.

Holla if you've been down the same road

noreply@blogger.com (Katie) — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 21:13:00 +0000

Say it man. (Explicit lyrics, as if there's any other kind here on GardenPunks.)