It puts the lotion on its calendar?

At the left is a screenshot of Jorte Calendar’s settings menu. Click the thumbnail to enlarge it.

First, let me say that I love Jorte Calendar. It’s one of the first things I’m sure to install when I get a new Android device. It’s currently on my HTC Amaze 4G, ASUS Transformer and was on my Kindle Firebefore I factory reset it and gave it to my mom.

This is what Jorte looks like on my HTC Amaze 4G's homescreen.

What’s the best thing about Jorte? The full-month calendar widget rocks! It has add-ons that give you extra fonts and colorful icons for events, but I prefer the clean look of it without them:

However, When I saw this, all I could think of was the unforgettable The Silence of the Lambs and creepy Jamie Gumb, the cross-dressing serial killer masterfully played by Ted Levine, holding his poodle and peering into the pit at his captive.

Who can forget his detached voice intoning, “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again”?

Not for the faint of heart, that movie, but so good!

While we’re watching, have a laugh at these two TV clips referencing that famous scene. First, Craig Ferguson’s monologue:

And here’s a clip from Live! With Kelly, featuring Science Bob and Neil Patrick Harris:

I just heard a voice say, “It starts its work. It starts its work!”

Gotta go!

I find it’s an easier and richer experience to navigate Amazon through a regular web browser instead of the Kindle store and library. I made up this little tutorial for my mom, but thought others might benefit from it as well. If you want to bypass going through the Kindle menus and just use your web browser to send your purchased titles to your Kindle DX, Second-generation Kindle, Kindle Touch, Kindle Keyboard 3G, Kindle Fire or any free Kindle reading apps, this is for you. Click the thumbnails to view larger screenshots.

First, the obvious: Sign into your Amazon account.

1. Then, HOVER over the Your Account link in the upper right. A menu will pop up. CLICK on Manage Your Kindle.

NOTE: If you happen to click Your Account instead of just hovering over it, it’s no biggie. Just scroll down the page until you see “Digital Content: Kindle, MP3, & Downloads” on the left. On the right, you’ll see a link for “Manage Your Kindle”. Click it. Then, skip to Step 2 here.

CLICK TO ENLARGE.

2. You’ll see your Kindle Library. HOVER over the Actions button next to the title you want to modify. Click on the option you want to perform. If you want Amazon to send the title to one or more of your Kindles, click the “Deliver to my…” link.

CLICK TO ENLARGE.

3. You’ll see a pop-up with the title’s information. From the drop-down menu, select the device to which you want the title sent and click the Deliver button.

CLICK TO ENLARGE.

4. A confirmation message will briefly appear under the title. If you want to send the title to another of your Kindle devices (including apps on your mobile devices), HOVER over the Actions button again and repeat the described steps for each device.

CLICK TO ENLARGE.

That’s really all there is to it. Explore the other options that appear under that Actions button and see what all you can do! Amazon provides good support pages for the whole Kindle family, there is a user’s guide available for each flavor of Kindle, plus there is an active Kindle help forum. Explore and learn about your new ebook reader!

My unicorn keeps scooting across the carpet on his butt. Why is he doing this? Does he have worms?

Signed,
Mystified  Maiden

(Answer below.)

unicorn scooting across floor

Dear Mystified,

First of all, congratulations on taming this fine beast. You must be of an exceptionally pure heart. I can understand why you find this behavior distressing. Aside from your concern over his welfare, I know it is expensive having those textiles cleaned.

Rest assured, this is a common problem. Your unicorn has impacted anal glands. Normally, the glands’ magical and glittery secretions are expressed when your unicorn eliminates, or passes rainbows. Sometimes, however, the glitter and rainbow dust become impacted in the star-shaped glands. This irritation drives the behavior you describe; your unicorn is in discomfort and is doing the only thing he knows to do for relief.

If you’d like to bring him by the clinic, I’ll be happy to treat him for you. Or, the next time you take him in to have his horn and hooves buffed and polished, ask the groomer if she can express them for you. In the meantime, I’d suggest you feed him a diet higher in fiber. I’d also suggest cutting back on the amount of lucky charms you let him eat.

Best,
Dr. Doolittle, DVMBM,
Doctor of Veterinary and Mythical Beast Medicine

Ed: I ran across the above illustration online and this backstory popped into my head.

What the recipe was called: Man Catching Fried Chicken

When I read the subject line, I knew what the recipe’s submitter was trying to say when she titled it. This is a place where one tiny hyphen would have made a difference in the literal interpretation of the phrase. This is what immediately popped into my mind:

What I saw in my mind: Man catching fried chicken.

Actually, my mental image was better, but I don’t have the drawing skills to reproduce what’s in my mind’s eye!

When two or more words modify the noun that come after them, there should be a hyphen in between them (see Compound Modifiers).

Man-catching fried chicken implies, “This fried chicken is so good, it’s sure to catch you a man”. However, without that hyphen, the phrase means this: (The) man (is) catching fried chicken. The words in parentheses are assumed.

So, I laughed aloud the other night when I ordered Chinese food for delivery from the awesome Billy Lee’s Chop Suey House since Howie was at a meeting. This was the fortune in my cookie: “You find what you’re looking for; just open your eyes!”

I didn’t just laugh when I read that, I roared. It’s not often something so perfect shows up in a fortune cookie. So, I made a little sign, writing “Mansight…” and drawing a heart. I affixed the fortune in the heart’s center and placed the sign on the fridge.

Saturday morning, I asked my beloved if he’d noticed the fridge.

“Yes….”, he said, a little testily. I asked him when he noticed it and he replied, “This morning.”

I put it on the fridge Tuesday night.

That, friends, is mansight.

Happy valentine’s day, Howie – I love you dearly!

DAK Turbo Bake II and Oster 5838 breadmakers

That DAK breadmaker was a GREAT thrift store find. I love this thing!

It’s different than other breadmakers. First, you put the ingredients in the opposite order from most bread machines: dry ingredients first, then liquids on top. It has temperature sensor in the post on which the paddle sits’ the sensor gauges the dough ball or loaf’s internal temperatures and adjusts the baking cycle accordingly. It has a turbo bake setting that uses heat to expedite the rising process. It is a convection element to it as well, with a fan coming on periodically during its cycle. And, it has a cool-down at the end that keeps the bread from getting overcooked and/or soggy if you don’t remove it from the pan right away.

Though it doesn’t have a dedicated wheat bread cycle, I make 100% whole wheat recipes in it frequently and they turn out just fine. That might be owing to the above-mentioned smart technology.

It’s a shame the DAK company went defunct, because this machine really is a wonder, works great. There are many other fans out there, and plenty of videos on YouTube.

Here’s a DAK Turbo Baker IV model, making a heavy, low-carb bread. That gives any machine a workout, and this owner is happy with his DAK.

Here’s someone’s video of the same model I have:

I do have the manual for this machine, and as soon as I have a little time, I’ll upload it to my website. I know there’s a lot of people looking for it, along with a thriving parts market. As far as recipes go, just about any bread machine recipes will work in it. I just reverse the usual order of ingredients so the liquids are added last.

I need to make some videos, too. Right now, though, my walnut-wheat bread’s ready and I need to take it out of the pan!

When I saw this site, icaughtsanta.com, I smiled. What a fun, original idea! Best yet, I have a discount code for my readers. But more about this later.

Our girls, despite their being four-footed, got to see Santa. See for yourselves!

Santa was just reaching into his bag of toys when he heard a low growl...

Santa likes his reindeer well enough, but he had to pet the sleeping puppies before heading back up the chimney.

Time’s a wastin’….Head over to icaughtsanta.com, upload your photo, and watch St. Nick appear. I have a coupon code for you, too: SANTA50 will get you half off your order. This is great fun!

Any American knows this saying. However, tonight division would have been my friend, had I heeded the word. My cookies fell (or failed) because I didn’t divide. Yes, that little word “divided” is very important in recipes. It means to reserve a portion of the full measure set aside for another purpose.

I made this yogurt cookie recipe tonight and missed that little word when it came to the nutmeg. Instead of putting 1 teaspoon in the cookie batter, I put 2 in.

I’ve been on a quest to find the yogurt cookie recipe my grandma made. Grandpa threw out many of her recipes in the years following her death, so that recipe was lost to us. I thought I might have found it with this one. I still wouldn’t know, though, because these turned out, shall we say, less than appetizing. Nasty, unless you’re a real nutmeg fiend.

There’s plenty of dough left over, too, because I made a double batch in anticipation of a get-together tomorrow. I stopped after making a few dozen of the things and the remainder of the dough’s headed for the garbage. It was a double disappointment since I still don’t know whether these will approach grandma’s recipe. Another time!

Here’s the recipe, only I modified it so no one else will miss the divided part!

YOGURT SUGAR COOKIES

Ingredients:
- 1/2 cup butter ( softened)
- 2 cup sugar
- 3 eggs, beaten
- 1/2 cup plain yogurt*
- 2 teaspoons ground nutmeg, >divided
- 1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 3 cup all-purpose flour
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 tablespoon sugar

Directions:
Cream butter and 2 cups sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, yogurt, 1 teaspoon nutmeg, vanilla, salt, flour, and soda. Beat until smooth. Refrigerate dough for 1 hour. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto greased cookie sheet.

Combine 1 teaspoon nutmeg and 1 tablespoon sugar; sprinkle over each cookie. Bake at 400 degrees for 8 to 10 minutes. Cookies will look soft. Remove from cookie sheet immediately. Makes 8 dozen.

SOURCE: Southern Living Magazine, May 1974.

*I used Sonyfield Farm Plain Whole Milk Yogurt. I read you can make this recipe using fruit yogurt as long as it is a smooth yogurt like lemon with no chunks of fruit in it. I’ll likely use fat-free yogurt next time, though with so much sugar and butter, I don’t see what shaving a little fat off for the yogurt would benefit us! I will not use sugar-free if I try a flavored one, though.

While I was chatting with my electronic friend, I asked something about fees. She directed me to the fees page, cleverly circumventing my question. I know, I know, she’s not real. She had the same effect on me as the monotone GPS voice which, though it doesn’t really change inflection, sounds like it does. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left!

In a moment of frustration, I typed, “this is useless”. You see how the conversation went downhill from there.

The conversation quickly went downhill.

My big question is, will PayPal cover my virtual hospital bills for my virtual gunshot wound? That little snip got me right between the eyes! Thank God she’s really tiny. Just sayin’.

You have to click the green “Create Mine Now” button on the page to get to the design app. The app is a little clunky, but fairly intuitive. I experimented with it tonight, uploading some retro kitchen advertisements for fun.

It’s great fun to be able to customize an appliance. I participated in a market research focus group several years ago where participants were asked if they would pay extra to have the ability to somewhat personalize their major appliances with custom inserts and knobs. I’ve not seen it happen, unless I’ve missed it. Still, people are all about personalization now. Skins are in, for everything from cell phones to iPods to laptops and tablets.

But back to the app. Once a user’s designed her dream Crock-Pot and clicks to add it to her cart, a message comes up warning the user, “This is the final time you will be able to view your customized Create-A-Crock™ Slow Cooker.”

When I saw this, I realized the flaw in the campaign.

Kudos to Crock-Pot for putting this idea out there. However, they missed a huge opportunity when they didn’t also provide a means for users to share their designs with others. I’m not talking about sharing as in buying a Crock-Pot to give as a gift, though that is the company’s goal. I’m talking about letting users share pictures of their creations with friends and family via social networks, mobile MMS, and e-mail. Users might have created profiles in order to save their designs, providing Crock-Pot with fresh prospective customers’ information for their database.

Viral marketing involving personalization pops up everywhere (think OfficeMax and ElfYourself) and yet it’s nowhere to be found with this product. It’s a shame, because I think it could have driven a lot of traffic to their site. People like to play with apps like that. The longer a user stays on your site, the more they buy in to what you’re selling. These users might have created their own designs or, if allowed, ordered duplicates of their friends’ creations.