Gawker: Defamer

Pepsi on Jackson's Hairfire: Whatevs and 'Refresh Everything'

Aaron Coleman — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 12:00:00 EDT

If they only had a heart. Upon seeing this week's spine-tingling video of Michael Jackson's '84 Pepsi ad accident, Pepsi and vid director Bob Giraldi don't give a shit. The international moment of dead pop star respect is officially finito.

Honestly, no one's given a shit in the past 25 years. Yet as always, with mondo-stratospheric celeb death comes a whole stadium full of dusty grievances. With the fire vid now shocking the internets, the fire safety inspector at the shoot, Captain Don Donester ("DON DONester" - what clever parents he had!) blames director Giraldi for making Jackson stand under the sparks longer so the popstar would "look more majestic."

C'mon, admit it. The moonwalk with one's hair in flames? Chilling, yes. But it does look pretty Olympian.

TMZ called up Giraldi for a response. He said, "That's not true. Whatever." Click. Dial tone. Wow, what a prick!

In true canned spokespersonspeak, Pepsi's response was also a hair toss and shoulder shrug.

We don't know what that footage is. It's 25 years ago. We don't know who owns it, so we have no recourse as far as I know. I can only tell you what I know. We didn't put it up and we don't know where it came from.

Guess they're bitter their latest slogan, "Refresh Everything," hasn't registered with anyone anywhere nohow.

Do These Men Deserve to Be the Highest Paid Comedians?

Natasha VC — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 18:46:21 EDT

Do you feel that? Those are George Carlin's acid tears falling from heaven. There are some mainstays on the millionaire funny-man list. But there is one depressing shocker. Can you guess who?

Forbes put out their list of the 10 richest comedians based on their concert ticket sales, movie deals, and DVD sales.

1. Jerry Seinfeld $85 million between June 2008 and June 2009. He also filmed this commercial. Laugh it up, America!

2. Chris Rock whose worldwide 'No Apologies Tour' contributed to his $42 million bounty. Chris is a funny man and we should continue to give him our money.

3. Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham banked an estimated $30 million over the course of the year. Wait, who?!

4. Dane Cook is the friend that nobody likes. The friend with $20 million dollars.

5. George Lopez. $20 million. Holler back Canoga Park!

6. Howie Mandel. Aw, I have a soft spot for Bobby's World.

7. Larry the Cable Guy made $13million dollars last year. This clip about sums it up.

8. You might be a redneck if you only make $11 million dollars, Jeff Foxworthy.

Ok! Did you guess who? Did you say Dane Cook? I hope you did cause he's the ambassador of TERRIBLE.

Meet Perez Hilton's Ghost

Ryan Tate — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 18:39:18 EDT

Meet Barbara Lavandeira, or, as she's known online, PerezHilton.com. She's actually pretty normal, when not pretending to be her brother.

Guanabee went digging online for information about Barbara; it looks like the 25-year-old lives a fairly ordinary life. She studied business management and computers in college and tailgated at University of Miami football games.

Her brother Mario (aka Perez) is the face of PerezHilton.com, while Barbara cranks out posts, as revealed in a fresh lawsuit filed against Mario. Maybe when she finally learns to be half as elegant and charming as her big brother, Barbara will be allowed to share some of the glory that inevitably comes with doodling semen on people's faces.

The Homosexual Undertones of the Half-Blood Prince

Natasha VC — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 18:11:03 EDT

A major challenge in Harry Potter 6 is that the teenage wizard had the ability to get a boner. So how did the kid-friendly franchise deal with the prickly issue of teenage sexuality? Splendidly! But perhaps in an unintended direction.

Hogwarts is a hormonal hothouse! Wizards are snogging in the halls, winking at each other during Potions class, and they're even abusing their powers to seduce other supple wizards. Director David Yates did a fantastic job capturing the sexual tension that must throb through any kind of co-ed castle. But because the most troublesome part of teen sexuality is the idea of a loose lady wizard most of the innuendos and flirtation stayed between the boys. And so in the tradition of British boarding schools things got a little gay.

Here's a breakdown (spoiler free):

Ron adores Harry, naturally. Ron's always been uneasy around girls and it was chalked up to the fact that he's clumsy goof. But in the sixth installment, Ron has become a bit of a strapping butch boy and he starts to get noticed by the girls. He plays along but really only lights up when he is around Harry. His supposed crush on Hermione is as lustful as nursing home bingo game. But when Harry's in the room, Rupert Grint, who plays Ron, blushes, grins, his shoulders roll back and hips sway forward when he talks to Harry.

Daniel Radcliffe who has always played Harry a little fey, undulates and titters around Ron. At a quidditch tryout Ron needs to impress Harry in order to make the team. Harry's eyes stayed locked on Ron as he straddles a broom. When Ron succeeds in blocking a score from the opposing team, Ron leans back on his broom, clutches the broom at its base and points it in Harry's direction. Harry beams. It is a giant phallic broomstick in between his legs! C'mon people!

Also, there is a lot of touching and affection between the male teachers of Hogwartz and the boys. Whether it's Snape, (Alan Rickman looks like a New Wave lesbian in a cape) who continually pushes his chest into Harry's face. Or Professor Slughorn who longs for Harry's attention and who Harry essentially seduces for information. Or Dumbledore, with his feminine affectation is such an obvious old queen.

There's a whole closed cabinet/closed motiff too! At one point, Dumbledore confronts a young Voldemort about a literal flaming box of secrets in his closet!

And even though Rowling has revealed that Dumbledore was in fact a gay, the homoeroticism that was on the screen is absent in the books. Hell, I don't even think it was in the script. The young male actors are bubbling over with sexual energy and had nowhere to point it so they pointed it at each other.

P.S. I also think Radcliffe is gay as all get out! There, I said it.

(Top pic via TheGreatGeekManual, Time cover mash-up by our pals at Vulture)

How Much It Pays to Be a 'Difficult' Blogger Like Nikki Finke

Natasha VC — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 17:23:09 EDT

We finally know how much aspiring Hollywood mogul Jay Penske has agreed to pay industry blogger Nikki Finke: according to the NYT's David Carr: $400,000 a year for the next eight years. Pretty good money, but not $14 million.

Why quibble? Because that's how much rival Hollywood webpreneur Sharon Waxman — who wouldn't mind pushing up the price of websites about the entertainment business — insists the deal is worth. In her story today about Penske's nabbing of magazine editor Bonnie Fuller to run HollywoodLife.com, Amy Kaufman writes at Waxman's The Wrap, "Last month, TheWrap reported that MMC purchased Nikki Finke's blog Deadline Hollywood Daily for a deal totalling $14 million."

Still, Finke is now pulling in one of the largest blogger — excuse us, news website editor — salaries around. And as Carr points out, Finke has her sharp elbowed, merciless, style that she's known for to thank for Penske's millions. One the big debates about Finke's is whether she is a hard-nosed reporter trying to keep Hollywood honest or a recluse ranting on the corner of Journalism and Vendetta?

We've had Nikki's digital spittle on our faces a number of times. And so have many others, like an editor at GQ for instance. This email from Nikki sent to the GQ is one of our is one of our favorite postcards from the stormy isle of Finke:

Subject: Re: LA story
Date: 8/17/2004 3:13:52 PM Pacific Daylight Time

From: Nikki Finke

To: XXXX

You think having an unnamed Hollywood agent talking about poaching unnamed clients is a "get"? I have 300 interviews with real live Hollywood agents ON THE RECORD talking all about stealing clients and naming names, dates, places, etc. not to mention a whole bunch of even juicier stuff. But do you people ever think to actually call me to do an article for you? Noooooooooooooooooooooo....

Because I'm not 24 years old...
Because I'm not making up stuff.

Because I don't live in New York.

Because I don't kiss up to the idiots who decide which stars magazines like GQ can and can't put on their covers.

Because I actually know something about Hollywood.

Here's a thought: Why not ask me to put together the juiciest Hollywood stories I know for your magazine. Oh, you're running late for lunch at Michael's?

How come I'm not surprised.

C'mon guys! Who wants to buy Nikki lunch? As a burgeoning chronicler of the entertainment scene, I have to tell you that judging from this highlight reel Nikki Finke is an absolute inspiration to me. She proves that you can be successful despite your tendency towards spleen venting tirades, outrageous public feuding, intolerable smugness, and overall an contemptuous personality. There's hope still!

10 Things You May Have Missed On TV This Week

Tracie — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 16:00:00 EDT

Many weeks, we come across stupid stuff on TV that might fall through the cracks. In Mixed Bag, we collect those odds and ends, for a multimedia compilation of pop culture crap.

1.) "God, Guns, Guts, and American Pickup Trucks"
That's this guy's motto for his truck dealership in rural Missouri. He gives away a free AK-47 with each vehicle purchased. While being interviewed on CNN's American Morning, he made some compelling arguments for his business model:

"The only 911 call I need is chambering a round."
"There is a tremendous crime problem with people doing meth and these people – they've lost their souls."
"You don't have a problem with God, do you? I'm just curious…"
"We're a Christian nation."
"You don't think God wants us to defend ourselves? I'm confused."

2.) Paris Hilton: "I'm Not Retarded"

3.) Me: "Yes You Are"

4.) Barbara Walters' Speech Impediment
I've finally cracked the code to the cause of Barbara Walters' "accent." She says her R's backwards, so they come out as "raw" instead of "arh."

5.) Big Brother

I'm so obsessed with these turds. This sums up how I'm feeling right now:

6.) Gay Penguin Dramz
After a six-year relationship, Harry and Pepper, two gay male penguins living in a zoo in San Francisco, are no longer an item. Harry left Pepper for a woman. (A penguin one, not a human one.)

7.) And This

8.) Things Are Different in Canada

9.) Who Does Jon Gosselin Think He Is?
Remember when the father of eight said that he was sick of doing the show and sick of paparazzi? He's so sick of the celebrity life, that he just needed to get away from it—by sipping champagne on a private yacht floating in the French Riviera.

10.) Wrap It Up, Linda

Perez Hilton: In My Defense, I Don't Actually Write That Crap

Ryan Tate — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 14:09:38 EDT

It's an open secret that Perez Hilton can't be bothered to blog all day long anymore. But for some reason he's never copped to using ghost writers. Until now.

Hilton (né Mario Lavandeira) is being sued for breaching a legal settlement that prevented him from mentioning Jonathan Lewandowski (a/k/a Jonathan Jaxson), the young blogger from whom Hilton allegedly solicited sex tapes in exchange for promoting Lewandowski's blog. When Lewandowski's name cropped up in a post on February 3, he claimed Hilton had violated the agreement. But Hilton was shocked — shocked! — that someone assumed he wrote PerezHilton.com. You see, it was really his sister, Barbara, who wrote the item.

A tipster forwarded us the lawsuit, which was filed on Wednesday in Los Angeles federal court and you can find in full here.

His lawyer wrote in a letter to Lewandowski's counsel that Hilton's sister wrote the post:

Hilton has hinted at his sister's involvement; he told Time that he worked on the site with his "sister, who's my assistant and helps a little bit." But this is the first time he's confirmed that he has a full-on ghost writer.

Guanabee, meanwhile, has reported that Hilton has had other ghostwriters going back to 2006.

Which wouldn't be a scandal, if Hilton were to only acknowledge the help he gets. Yet he continues to hide the making of his gossip sausage, as though his readers are deeply invested in his oh-so-elegant image as an articulate man of letters and glamorous Hollywood gentleman. Hilarious.

[Lavandeira vs. Lewandowski — court filing]

Jake Gyllenhaal Expertly Shaking Off Those Gay Rumors

Richard Lawson — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 12:51:33 EDT

Here is a still from the actor's upcoming film Prince of Persia, which is based on an old computer game. Not much to say here other than hey, here is a ridiculous thing. Reese, any comments? [via EW]

500 Days of Potter

Natasha VC — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 12:48:42 EDT

Dumbledore could (and should) buy out the American auto industry. Madonna's dry thrusting leads to tragedy. Google Images will explode within the next few hours. And everyone is mean to the writers!

Teenage Wizard Movie has jumped to the $100 million mark in the worldwide box office sales. Which poses a fascinating question: Why did the producers of 500 Days of Summer choose this weekend to open? Surely Potter's box office bonanza comes as no surprise. Did they really think the mopey teens who like 'meaning music' were going to snub Potter for uh, the kid from 3rd Rock? SILLY FOOLS! [ Variety ]

Yes! A new movie named Bad Girls is being described as a cross between Lord of the Flies and Heathers. It's an adaptation of a novel. Bad Girls centers on a wild teenager shipped off to a reform school on a remote Caribbean island. On the island, she and The Others go up against violent drug dealers and killers as they battle their own worst impulses. First step: Kill the Pig! [THR]

Two men have died after a stage being built for Madonna's concert collapsed in Marseilles, France. Worst. Obits. Ever. []

Ed Helms! He does things we enjoy. Hopefully, we'll enjoy his newest movie project Cedar Rapids. Helms will play a sad-sack insurance agent who goes to an industry convention to try to save the jobs of his colleagues. Always the hero, that Helms. [ Variety ]

Kevin Smith has confirmed that Clerks and Chasing Amy will be released on Blu-Ray in November 2009 with a few new surprises. Aw! You guys remember Joey Lawrence Adams? Neither do I. [/Film]

A new painfully good looking young person has been cast in Twilight Eclipse. So, you know, Google images is probably a little strained right now! [ THR ]

Todd Phillips, writer/director of The Hangover, is has been hired by Warner Bros to write a new feature called Staycation. What's it about? We don't know but there's rightful suspicion that it will be a "male-driven-laffer." [ Vairety ]

Fox has tapped portly and lovable John Goodman to star in a new Ben Stiller-produced pilot. [Variety ]

More like solidarity for-never! The Directors union and the Writers union are beefing. Look at this Eff-Off email the head of the DGA sent to the head of SAG. "Of course, these are not normal circumstances "... you've repeatedly, and in my opinion unfraternally, attacked the negotiations and contracts of the DGA and other unions in the press and other public forums. So, in the circumstances, I'm very surprised that you would consider yourself to be in a position to convene an event that requires trust and fraternity to have any chance of success." Good luck on those negotiations, comrades! [ Variety ]

Which TV Star Has Gotten Himself Tangled Up in an Affair with a Minor?

Richard Lawson — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 09:42:00 EDT

Today we have an old lady who wanted a bunch of young mens at her party, an NBA wife who's the Leona Helmsley of her house, and a married actor sleeping with a minor actress.

1) "What sexy cougar refused to attend an event until was she assured that the guest list included a variety of hot young men?" [NYDN]

2) "I realize this one is kind of difficult, but it is too good to not write. The only other interesting thing I heard from last night was that Sam Ronson was being grouchy at a bar. That really isn't blind item worthy. Oh, and she got a beer spilled on her which, needless to say didn't improve her mood.

Anyway, what millionaire NBA All-Star has a shrew for a wife. Last night at the after party for The ESPY's she kept telling anyone who would listen about how she hired an illegal immigrant couple to take care of their house and yard and kids and pays them just $10 an hour total. Remarkably enough the answer isn't Vanessa Bryant. I wish it was." [CDaN]

3) "Two celebrities in this one. He is one of the stars of a cable series. She is an young actress who has done both movie and television work. He is married. She is single. They had an affair. He got tired of her and tried to terminate the relationship. However, she didn't give up. In fact, she's been pursuing him harder than ever. She calls and text messages and emails him constantly. The messages are ratcheting up both in number and intensity. She's threatening him. If he doesn't get back together with her she'll go to the press, to his wife, or to the police. Why the police? She's underage, that's why. We just know he's going to come home one day to a bunny boiling on the stove." [BlindGossip]

Mischa Barton is Not Well

The Cajun Boy — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 02:44:25 EDT

Mischa Barton was supposed to be in New York tonight to attend the premiere her of her new movie, Homecoming, which was directed by Morgan Freeman. However, she won't be attending after cops were called to her home last night.

Reports The Envelope:

After a call to police last night from her home, she's been placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold (also known as a 5150) by the Los Angeles Police Department and is currently at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, reports Access Hollywood.

Barton was put under Section 5150 of the California Welfare and Institutions Code by police and transported to Cedars-Sinai. This code gives authorities the power to hold a person if he or she is gravely disabled or suffers from a mental disorder.

The Homecoming, the trailer to which she posted to her blog recently, was supposed to be her big comeback. So much for that.

Mischa Barton Pulls a Britney, Is Placed in Involuntary Psychiatric Hold [The Envelope]

Would You Take Patton Oswalt Seriously For a Sec?

Natasha VC — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 19:56:46 EDT

In the the upcoming film Big Fan, comedian Patton Oswalt makes his dramatic-lead star-turn as an obsessive sports fan whose chance encounter with his hero unexpectedly ends in violence. Does that sound bad? The trailer looks surprisingly good!

Wow! Remember when Robert DeNiro made this movie? Twice?Nevertheless, I'm feeling this Travis Bickle 2k9 thing! Let's hope that Big Fan avoids the mistake Observe and Report made: cannibalizing its leading man. Patton looks like he has more emotional range than Seth Rogen, so this could be a knockout.

P.S. Has Patton Oswalt ever looked MORE like a butchy-sad lesbian than he does here?

Bonnie Fuller Hired Into Murderer's Row of Hollywood

Ryan Tate — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 19:37:26 EDT

Well, Jay Penske is assembling quite a stable at his burgeoning online media company; first he bought Nikki Finke, Winchellian Hollywood blogger, now he's bringing on Bonnie Fuller, the notorious diva celeb-mag editor. Watch for sparks.

Perhaps "stable" isn't the right word for a collection of media personalities known for their trail of enemies. Finke has had more than her share of feuds and bloodsport.

While Finke tends to spar with competitors and subjects, Fuller is known more for her demanding and abusive treatment of underlings, distance from family and exorbitant pay. After making her name at Us Weekly, the editor flailed atop tabloid publisher American Media and was eventually pushed out.

Now she'll take over Penske's HollywoodLife.com, and adjunct to the failed HollywoodLife magazine shut down by his holding company, Mail.com Media Corporation, last year. It's hard to imagine how Fuller will differentiate the site on the Web, already teeming with celebrity news, hard and soft, from a wide variety of other, better known sources. Penske is surely spending a tidy sum to find out; maybe he can use some money from the same pot to buy some news.

(Pic: by Esther on Flickr)

Why The Ladies Should Love Megan Fox

Natasha VC — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 19:05:57 EDT

So now that the Potter kids are on top, it's likely that news about our favorite over-boiled sex pot Megan Fox will take a backseat to the prim Emma Watson. And that's sad.

It's a pity because we should all like Megan Fox! Some people love her the way you'd love your racist Granpa. Like she says enough crazy shit for you to love her in a bemused/horrifying sort of way. But Megan Fox is legitimately awesome because she knows exactly what she is: a real life version of a slutty Halloween costume.

And she makes no bones (heh) about it! She has repeatedly stated that her job is to be attractive. Unlike, say Scarlett Johansson who peddles sex the same way Fox does but tries to gussy it up with Tom Waits cover albums and erudite interviews. Isn't that infinitely more annoying? Fox's honesty is way more refreshing. Remember when Megan brought it with some real talk about ScarJo?

I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson - who I have nothing against - but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want… to do that.

You shouldn't, Megan! Because ladies like ScarJo and Natalie Portman, who are both devastatingly beautiful and educated, make Normals like me feel awful. At least with Megs, it's like, yeah maybe my boyfriend is thinking about her when he's on top but at least I could beat her in a game of scrabble, right? And isn't that what boyfriends really want? I mean, REALLY?

Also, Megan was a L.U.G. (Lesbian Until Graduation). Well, actually, more of a B.U.G. It's adorable! Even if it's untrue, it's a delight personal yarn that makes for great quotes like:

I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl - Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hand.

Personal story of the time Megan Fox touched my life: I have done some press junkets and they a festival of terribleness. The studios essentially send celebrities down to the Four Seasons to read a press release, a couple of hacks ask "What was it like to work with robots?" and then it's over. But the couple of times Megs has shown up for these she's been chatty, off-topic, vulgar. It's a blast of fresh air.

I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I'm a tranny. I'm a man. I'm so painfully insecure. I'm on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I'm scared."

Awww, don't be Megan, we're here for you.

Finally the Most Interesting Part of Project Runway: The Models

Richard Lawson — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 17:40:00 EDT

We all know that LA Project Runway is going to suck on Lifetime, but we'll probably watch it anyway. But what about this Models of the Runway about the, uh, models from Runway? It'll sort of be Rashomon, won't it.

You know, like with different retellings of the same event from different perspectives. Not like Courage Under Fire level Rashomon homage. Like Vantage Point level Rashomon homage. But still, you get our point, right? That it'll be kind of interesting to get the "behind the seams" (ugh) look at how the pretty tall people think (or don't) about things and all that. But watching it directly after PR? Maybe not.

We'll give you an episode, Models. But just one!

Late-Night Ratings Love Finally Coming to David Letterman

Natasha VC — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:21:39 EDT

Last week David Letterman posted his largest weekly victory over The Tonight Show since 2000. Last week's Tonight Show posted its smallest audience since Letterman premiered in August 1993. Is Conan turning out to be a disappointment for NBC?

Not according to NBC! The network tilts at the numbers because Conan claims higher numbers in the coveted demographic of 18-34 year olds. It's true. But how long can they hold on to those Red Bull swilling Youngs? This isn't some single-time spurt. Letterman's numbers have been surging ever since Conan took over Jay Leno's old gig at the Tonight Show. And Letterman has been steadily narrowing the demographic gap. With the announcement of their Emmy nominations, CBS took the opportunity to gloat. From their "In your face, Conan! In. Your. Face." memo

CBS's LATE SHOW beat "The Tonight Show" by its largest margin in viewers since 2000, placed first in adults 25-54 (tie) and narrowed the margin in adults 18-49 opposite Conan O'Brien to just -0.3 of a rating point, according to Nielsen live plus same day ratings for the week ending July 10.

LATE SHOW beat "The Tonight Show" in households (2.6/07 vs. 2.0/05, +30%) and viewers (3.68m vs. 2.82m, +30%). It was LATE SHOW's largest margin of victory against an all first-run week of "Tonight Show" broadcasts in both households and viewers since the week ending Feb. 25, 2000 (the week David Letterman returned from heart surgery). LATE SHOW has also closed the gap with "The Tonight Show" in adults 25-54 (1.2/05) to a tie, CBS's closest competitive position since the week ending Dec. 2, 2005 (the week Oprah Winfrey appeared).

In adults 18-49 (0.8/04 vs. 1.1/05) , LATE SHOW continued to cut "The Tonight Show's"' lead: -1.4 in Conan O'Brien's premiere week, -0.6 in the week ending June 12, -0.5 in the week ending June 19 and -0.3 in the week ending July 10. Among adults 18-34 (0.5/02 vs. 1.1/05), LATE SHOW has cut "The Tonight Show's" lead from -1.6 in Conan O'Brien's premiere week to -0.6 in the week ending July 10.

Last night's broadcast, featuring Sir Paul McCartney, topped "The Tonight Show" by its largest margin since Oct. 16, 2008 (Sen. John McCain's appearance).

John McCain and Paul McCartney! Ah, the sweet smell of senility! It's a shame because we prefer the aromas of Conan's locker room late show.

[ Deadline Hollywood Daily ]

The Women of The View Love to Objectify Men

Natasha VC — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 13:56:54 EDT

Today Thomas Jane, the star of Hung, was on The View and he was molested just like all the other attractive males who go on the show. They're so grabby!

So much erotic energy coming through the screen. Did it get your viewing device hot and damp, as if it had been inside a human body? You're welcome!

Lovely video made by Gawker video intern Krutika Mallikarjuna.

Real World Cancun: Love Conquers Nothing

Richard Lawson — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 13:43:00 EDT

Ohhh tittery tee! Wittery wee! Blittery bee! Love is in the air in old Cancun, that ancient Spanish settlement of creeping moss and nightclubs the size of airplane hangars. Straights found love, gays found love, everyone found love. Except me.

No, I didn't find any love last night (and by last night I mean I just watched it while lying on the couch) but that's OK, I wasn't looking for it anyway. My wines and my Facebooks are alls that I need. But anyway! This isn't about me. This is about the eight Fulbright scholars who were sent to Mexico to do their research on that most elusive of topics: What happens to private parts after you feed them alcohol? Last night they found out.

See what you do in Cancrunk is drink. All you ever do is drink. When you are sitting on the toilet in the morning, you drink. When you are walking to the ATM, you drink. When you are staring absentmindedly at a bird as it flutters up in the sky this way and that, so free up there, you drink. When you are being told by your employer not to drink, you drink. The last one is important to remember. See, the kids are in Cancandy to drink, yes, but they are also there to roll up their sleeves, apply some elbow grease, and go about the proletariat work of giving back. Through labor—through sweat and blood and camaraderie—they will till the earth of this nation and collectively make it Good. The president of Mexico, Dr. Speedy Gonzalez Esq., has assigned these eight sons and daughters of the revolution to do what is perhaps the most important task: Shepherd drunken gringos around and try to make sure they don't kill themselves or others. And, actually, I'm hardly being jokey here. That actually is a really big part of Cancun's economy, this thing called Spring Break. So it sort of is a meaningful job. So you'd assume that the Real World kids, individuals chosen for their integrity and wit and grit, would treat such a heady task with the utmost of responsibility, right?

Well, hold onto your butts and fasten your knickers, because I'm about to blow your head beans. They don't. They don't take it seriously. See, there are only a few rules one has to follow when working for Student City, the Peabody, MA-based company the children have been conscripted into. Mainly they are: Do not get publicly falling down drunk, whether you're on shift or not. This seems strict, given that it's Cancun, but also fair. The other one is even fairer: Don't fuck any of the clients please. That's a rule they had to create some years back because I'm sure it was happening over and over and over again, and probably like on the first night so the rest of the week was really tense and awkward. These are not crazy rules right? I mean, they're not saying "You cannot step on the sidewalk cracks when it is raining or the first or third Thursday of the month." Or, "Please try not to breathe." They are saying don't be a drunken asshole who plows the customer. Other companies should consider instituting these policies right quick. (Staples, I'm looking in your direction.) Anyway. The kids... they've gone wild. And they just couldn't help themselves.

What had happened: Mostly Derek broke the rules. Derek broke the rules and nobody cared. Derek is a person from Arizona who is sweet but dumb, I think maybe. Anyway, his brother and his ex-boyfriend both came to visit at the same time, which was weird. Weird because it seemed like maybe his brother was gay too and that doesn't happen all that often? And also weird because Derek's boyfriend was skinny and small and maybe like 17 years old? Everyone went down to the pool to stand around and do shots and shriek and holler at each other like spider monkeys, because that is what you do in Cancun, whether or not you have family in town. While they were all screeching and throwing poop at everyone, Derek's ex, name of Kyle, started being a bit unruly. And by unruly I mean "He invited himself on a trip to a Mexican TV show that his ex-boyfriend was on and then he walked away to sleep with a 50-year-old midget." That's actually kind of not an exaggeration of what happened! Kyle disappeared into the hot, queef-filled Mexico air with an aged jockey or something and this hurt poor Derek's pound cake feelings.

So, sad. After banishing Kyle from the house forever (he called to apologize, weeping, and it was just about the most pathetic thing ever: "I'm...sob...so sorry I came down...sob...to be on your TV show...sob... and then....sob... slept with an elderly little person... sob."), Derek decided it was time to break those stupid Student City rules and get crunk nasty for his birthday. Yes it was Derek's 12th birthday and everyone went out dancing and drinking. Though, if that's what you do every damn night, how is it then a special occasion for a birthday? Did they change it up and go to Professor Fuckbags' instead of Mister Knobgobblers' that night? Did they do SoCo and lime shots instead of kamikazes? Did they wear underwear? Whatever their reasoning was, Derek got really really drunk and decided to lay down on a Mexican sidewalk and loll back and forth. Lying down on a Mexican sidewalk outside of a bar called Major Stinkfingers' doesn't seem like a good idea to me at all, but hey what the hell it was his birthday.

Derek's birthday present was that nobody from Student City walked by while he was making out with the floor, forcing them to fire him which would have meant adios Mexico, hello again Arizona. But Derek didn't take this is as any sort of celestial reprieve, a chance to mend his ways. No, he just barreled on with the business of saying hoof to those rules and the next night went out and started chatting up a Student City client. Derek! Remember Rule Number Two? If They're Payin', Stop Slayin'. It's there for a reason. To his credit, Derek did weakly slur "Ican'tmakeoutyouareStudentandthisisCity". But the boy, name of Meats, was clever and tore off his bracelet and then Derek was like "Oh, OK" and they started sucking face.

They sucked face everywhere! They sucked face under a palm tree. They sucked face on a rollercoaster. They sucked mug in the ladies room at the Baron Lickdicklets' nightclub and restaurant. They sucked face in Derek's bed... Yeah a total love connection was made and it was sort of cute, sort of cloying in that way that anyone who's in puppyish love seems sorta cute and sorta cloying when you're wheezing and shivering alone on your couch. But of course this love was star-crossed from the get go. Because Cancun is a fleeting and ephemeral place, unless you live there, like Derek does. Meats, though, doesn't live there.* So Meats had to go home and the two lovers tangled up in a goodbye embrace and Des'ree walked out from behind a bookshelf and sang "Kissing You," while all of the other roommates slow danced and wept in another room. When they parted, Derek ran along as the train sped up and away, north, back across the border. He waved his kerchief and wept openly, he didn't care who saw, and as his beloved Meats steamed out of his life, likely for forever, he missed Kyle all of a sudden. Just then, just a little quick moment. Kyle. Flashing in his head like heat lightning. And then it was gone.

Other things happened too! To people other than Derek!

Joey the Cute One bedded a girl named Whistles who was kind of cute in an unassuming way, was into music or some bullshit, but had moved to Cancun for some reason. What sort of normal-ish person moves to Cancun? She must not be normal, I guess. Too bad. Anyway, they boffed and Joey said really dumb things about girls and then his gramma died. Yeah, his gramma died and his Boston-drawl mother called him and he cried and it was sad. He went to Florida for the funeral.

C.J. fell in love with an employee at his hotel, an almond-eyed beauty named Barbara or something. Anyway, he and Babs went on an awkward double date with Joey and Not Normal Whistles, and Barbara said she was a vegetarian. They were at a steak restaurant. Why would a boy take a girl to a steak restaurant on a first date? Way too meaty. Anyway, it was funny to watch because CJ has exactly zero game despite all of his watermelony good looks. He's a doofus. A walking disaster. Fittingly, Barbara broke up with him the next day by the pool. Then she called Bronne fat. Hah. Poor Bronne.

The girls were all dumb, except for Jasmine who is funny because she has a crush on a skinny white Canadian DJ. Surprises! Funny.

Anyway. This is going on way too long. This show is so silly.

At the end of the episode, a great giant wave came rushing up the shore, a hundred stories tall, and everyone screamed. Just before it crashed and they were washed away forever, the roommates all swore they saw Joey's gramma and Meats, bestride dolphins, riding the crest of the wave, shining and glorious.

*Meats probably lives in Florida or Virginia Beach. Meats lives in the second floor of a condo with two other guys, and Meats drives a two-door 1998 Honda Accord that he's had since high school. He used to have jokey names for it with his high school girl friends, but he doesn't use them anymore unless they come to visit, which they do less and less. Meats goes to the local college and studies something like communications. Meats feels lonely and pretend a lot of the time, because Florida or Virginia Beach are sort of lonely, pretend places. Especially when you're gay, especially when you're the kind of guy who sometimes likes to listen to "Defying Gravity" from Wicked when you're driving home from a shift at Joe's American Bar & Grill (it's a good job, better than Chili's, Meats was lucky to get it, he knows that.) Sometimes Meats will smoke a few cigarettes, light ones, when he's out drinking, but mostly Meats lives pretty healthy. Meats has a feeling like maybe he'd like to move to a city, maybe Miami, maybe LA, maybe Boston he thinks sometimes because he used to love that Augustana song (another great driving song). Meats bought a plane ticket on Orbitz with some friends of his and he didn't have class until 3 so he lay down on his bed and stared up at the softly whirring ceiling fan and thought about Mexico. Something about it, something about the word of it, the sound of it, the feeling of it. He felt like something was going to happen. That the dull, opaque membrane of his life would maybe crack open when he was down there. That something strange and exciting was brewing and burbling in him. He liked this feeling. Liked feeling special and different and possessing of a secret. He liked his room, he decided. Liked the quiet view from the window. Liked his car, even if it stalled out sometimes and the back window wouldn't roll up all the way. He liked his job, liked his coworkers. Especially Andrea the new hostess. They were going to be friends, he could already tell. He liked life. Liked it well enough. But still something exciting and different was nice, too. "Mexico..." he thought to himself again. It was like a song, that word. Like driving in a car and never turning around.

Wait, Is Tyler Perry Jewish?

Natasha VC — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 12:05:02 EDT

Between the Wizards and the Avatar there's a lot of money floating through Hollywood right now. Vast riches unknown by the average shmo! Sure glad we have the Jews to take care of it for us.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince grossed a magical $58.4 million. It pulled in $22.2 million in midnight shows. Can some one talk to J.K. Rowling about giving America an loan? [ Variety ]

Right now, with it being the End of Days and all, what would you do with $240 million dollars? Finance a James Cameron 3D movie about a band of humans pitted against a distant planet's indigenous population? OBVIOUSLY! [LAT]

Tyler Perry makes Forbes' list of 2008's highest-paid men in Hollywood. The children of Israel round out the list. So they control the movies and the banks! How do they do it?[/Film]

Fox's telecast All-Star Game delivered an average audience of 14.6 million viewers, making it the most-watched midsummer classic since 2002 — even without Jon Hamm's sexy hands gripping a bat. [THR]

Nick Hornby's An Education has gotten some pretty rave reviews. It looks to be poised as a real Oscar contender. The trailer, filled with British accents, does like pretty titillating. [Variety ]

Really? Fucking Family Guy?!

Richard Lawson — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 10:17:10 EDT

So the Emmy nominations were announced this morning and mostly they were surprise-less. Nothing for the well-deserving Big Love actors, another nod for Tony goddamned Shaloub, and Family Guy in Best Comedy. Wait, what?? Family Guy? How did this happen?

It happened because the Emmys aren't really about "rewarding excellence" or whatever. Well, they sort of are, but not really. The Emmy people are also concerned with ratings, like the NASA guys on the space episode of The Simpsons ("These machines just measure ratings.."). So they widened all the categories, bringing in shows and actors that regular potato chip-strewn boob tubing idiots like. People like Jim Parsons from some hunk of horror called The Big Bang Theory. Other people like the Mean Guy Who Woos Andy Sachs from The Mentalist. And shows like Family Guy.

The reasoning being, what, exactly? That teenage boys who are obsessed with crude, sloppy, shamelessly Simpsons-derivative non sequitur humor will stop masturbating for two hours on a Sunday night to watch the freaking Emmys? Actually, no. No they will not. Nor will the people who were actually stupid enough to think the awards still had some sliver of meaning (Hi! I'm an idiot), because now they're just a dumb joke. We're thrilled that people like Kristen Wiig, Tracy Morgan, Aaron Paul, and Drew Barrymore got recognized for their tremendously good work this year, but really it doesn't mean much of anything, does it?

Oh God, the 10-nominee Best Picture Oscar category is going to be a doozy isn't it?

Full nominations list.

The Emmy voters should watch this, also:

Here are the nominees, via Variety:

COMEDY SERIES

"Entourage"
"Family Guy
"Flight of the Conchords"
"How I Met Your Mother"
"The Office"
"30 Rock"
"Weeds"

DRAMA SERIES

"Big Love"
"Breaking Bad"
"Damages"
"Dexter"
"House"
"Lost"
"Mad Men"

MINISERIES

"Generation Kill" (HBO)
"Little Dorrit" (PBS)

ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Alec Baldwin - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Steve Carell - "The Office" (NBC)
Jemaine Clement - "Flight Of The Conchords" (HBO)
Jim Parsons - "The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)
Tony Shalhoub - "Monk" (USA)
Charlie Sheen - "Two And A Half Men" (CBS)

ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Simon Baker - "The Mentalist" (CBS)
Gabriel Byrne - "In Treatment" (HBO)
Bryan Cranston - "Breaking Bad" (AMC)
Michael C. Hall - "Dexter" (Showtime)
Jon Hamm - "Mad Men" (AMC)
Hugh Laurie - "House" (Fox)

ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Christina Applegate - "Samantha Who?" (ABC)
Toni Collette - "United States Of Tara" (Showtime)
Tina Fey - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus - "The New Adventures Of Old Christine" (CBS)
Sarah Silverman - "The Sarah Silverman Program" (Comedy Central)
Mary-Louise Parker - "Weeds" (Showtime)

ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Glenn Close as Patty Hewes - "Damages" (FX Networks)
Sally Field - "Brothers & Sisters" (ABC)
Holly Hunter - "Saving Grace" (TNT)
Mariska Hargitay - "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (NBC)
Kyra Sedgwick - "The Closer" (TNT)
Elisabeth Moss - "Mad Men" (AMC)

MADE FOR TELEVISION MOVIE

"Coco Chanel" (Lifetime)
"Grey Gardens" (HBO)
"Into The Storm" (HBO)
"Prayers For Bobby" (Lifetime)
"Taking Chance" (HBO)

REALITY HOST

Tom Bergeron - "Dancing With The Stars" (ABC)
Phil Keoghan - "The Amazing Race" (CBS)
Heidi Klum - "Project Runway" (Bravo)
Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio - "Top Chef" (Bravo)
Jeff Probst - "Survivor" (CBS)
Ryan Seacrest - "American Idol" (Fox)

ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Kevin Klien - "Cyrano de Bergerac" ("Great Performances") (PBS)
Brendan Gleeson - "Into The Storm"(HBO)
Sir Ian McKellen - "King Lear" ("Great Performances") (PBS)
Kevin Bacon - "Taking Chance" (HBO)
Kiefer Sutherland - "24: Redemption" (Fox)
Kenneth Branagh - "Wallander: One Step Behind" (PBS

ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Drew Barrymore - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Jessica Lange - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Shirley MacLaine - "Coco Chanel" (Lifetime)
Sigourney Weaver - "Prayers For Bobby" (Lifetime)
Chandra Wilson - "Accidental Friendship" (Hallmark Channel)

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Jon Cryer - "Two And A Half Men" (CBS)
Kevin Dillon - "Entourage" (HBO)
Neil Patrick Harris - "How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)
Jack McBrayer - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Tracy Morgan - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Rainn Wilson - "The Office" (NBC)

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Christian Clemenson - "Boston Legal" (ABC)
Michael Emerson - "Lost" (ABC)
William Hurt - "Damages" (FX Networks)
Aaron Paul - "Breaking Bad" (AMC)
William Shatner - "Boston Legal" (ABC)
John Slattery - "Mad Men" (AMC)

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Len Cariou - "Into The Storm" (HBO)
Tom Courtenay - "Little Dorrit" (PBS)
Ken Howard - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Bob Newhart - "The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice" (TNT)
Andy Serkis - "Little Dorrit" (PBS)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Kristin Chenoweth - "Pushing Daisies" (ABC)
Jane Krakowski - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Elizabeth Perkins - "Weeds" (Showtime)
Amy Poehler - "Saturday Night Live" (NBC)
Kristen Wiig - "Saturday Night Live" (NBC)
Vanessa Williams - "Ugly Betty" (ABC)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Rose Byrne - "Damages" (FX Networks)
Hope Davis - "In Treatment" (HBO)
Cherry Jones - "24" (Fox)
Sandra Oh - "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)
Chandra Wilson - "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Shohreh Aghdashloo - "House Of Saddam" (HBO)
Marcia Gay Harden - "The Courageous Heart Of Irena Sendler" (Hallmark

Hall Of Fame Presentation) (CBS)
Janet McTeer - "Into The Storm" (HBO)
Jeanne Tripplehorn - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Cicely Tyson - "Relative Stranger" (Hallmark Channel)

Which Actress Cheated on Her Fiance with a 'Geeky Dreamboat'?

Richard Lawson — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 09:44:00 EDT

Today we have a lucky actress who got to get it in with a "geeky dreamboat," a poor girl going on a terrible eating bender, some weird thing about a TV show, and an Emmy monster.

1) "Which now-married (but then-engaged) starlet hooked up with her geeky dreamboat of a co-star on the set of their film? Wisely, they frolicked in a soundproof room." [NYDN]

2) "Which star has been going on four-hour binges scoffing doughnuts and deep fried food after splitting up from her boyfriend? And she always carries a doggy bag." [Mirror]

3) "Talk about high school. This television show on a non traditional network is headed towards a meltdown. It turns out that one of the bigger stars coming into the show has been basically ignored since the middle of last season. Unless there are lines being spoken, no one talks to this actor. He hasn't pulled a diva or done anything wrong, it's just the rest of the cast doesn't seem to like him or maybe it is something about him. It has got so bad that he just wants off the show and out of all their lives." [CDaN]

4) "Of course everyone is excited to discover who will get an Emmy nod later today. What is far more interesting, though, are the preparations being made for one potential non-nominee. Her staff is gearing up for the worst. They have removed all breakables from the vicinity, and have a bottle of valium at the ready. They have also instructed all non-essential staff to check the nominations before coming in to work so they will know whether they should wear regular work attire or riot gear." [BlindGossip]

New Harry Potter Officially a Juggernaut

The Cajun Boy — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 06:45:08 EDT

Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince opened on 3,003 screens nationwide at midnight and hauled in $22.2 million, shattering the previous midnight screening record of $18.5 million set by The Dark Knight. [LA Times]

Nicolas Cage: Shine On, You Crazy Diamond.

Natasha VC — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 18:41:21 EDT

Knowing, which features Nicolas Cage as an M.I.T. professor who cracks a doomsday code while emoting, debuted in the top spot on both in sales and rental charts this week. [THR]

How Jonah Hill's Twitter Impersonator Wrecked His Hollywood Rep

Ryan Tate — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:44:03 EDT

Jonah Hill joked about his Twitter impersonator on David Letterman the other night. It's impressive he was able to laugh about the incident, because the prankster made the him sound like a complete dick, to other celebrities.

Moveline heroically compiled a history of the fake account JonahHill_Jew. Here's an exchange between fake Hill and Marlee Matlin, the deaf actress from West Wing:

Marlee Matlin... tweets that she loved Hill in Superbad. JonahHill_Jew replies, "How funny could it of been when you can't hear it?"

Ugh. Hill also tells comedian Doug Benson he met him at "Yer CD Release party bitch…" Then there was a reported feud between fake Hill and actor/director Jon Favreau; Hill told Letterman he got an upset call from the actor (see clip above), though the fake Hill told Movieline he was never rude to or truly fighting with Favreau.

It could take months before Hill is able to set straight the various Hollywood big shots who think they saw "his" off-color Twitter feed. Maybe Hill have some help setting the record straight: his impostor is already trying to parlay his infamy into a show business career. Maybe in a few years he'll be worth suing!

Those Cute Kids of Yesteryear Are Now Getting Drunk in Capes

Natasha VC — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:22:05 EDT

Are twenty-somethings fueling drunken Potter-mania out of genuine love of magic or just for the ironic Facebook updates?

So you're in a bar last night and there's a girl in sweater vest, tie, plaid skirt, holding a wand, and she has a zig-zag drawing on her face. You order a drink. She orders one too. She giggles and coos with the rest of her broom-swinging friends. You know this girl.

She's your friend's younger sister and you remember what she looked like when she was 12. And she's in your bar, in costume, getting sloshed while waiting for a kid's movie to start.
What does it all mean? For starters, it means you're old.

Second, as somebody who is stitching together her Slytherin scarf right now, I can tell you that the 25-year-old hipster in the knee-socks does geniunely love Harry Potter! We grew up with him. You guys had Remo Williams or some shit but we have this totally charming, decent, wizard fella who is nice to look at and lives in a world of rich political and cultural complexity!

Order of the Phoenix was obviously a political tome about infantilizing effect totalitarian rule has on its citizenry (also maybe an allegory for torture given Ms. Umbridge's approval of 'hard interrogation tactics'?) And the 'Half-Blood Prince' (which also happens to be my pet name for our weekend editor) is a tale of masculine anxiety in a war time state. It's also about potions. Which is totally sweet!

So Old Person, now you know. And godspeed to those young, underpaid, bleary eyed office workers of today who still can't get that marker stain off their forehead. We'll see you in line for the second round tonight! Be sure to send us your pics!

Pictures Via Flickr

This Week In Tabloids: Gosselin Engaged To "Bimbo"; Aniston's Revenge Romance

Dodai — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 14:00:00 EDT

It was a shitty week in tabloidland, friends, which is why every magazine received a failing grade. Margaret assists as we suffer through the stench of putrid gossip in Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star

Ok!
"Be Our Mommy."
How do you like this cover line, which puts words in the kids' mouths? According to sources, Janet wants custody of the kids — they've grown very close in the last few weeks. The Jackson brothers are all for it, as long as they can convince mama Katherine it's a good idea. A source says: "Janet knows that Katherine is in no position to make certain decisions. Katherine is still dependent on Joe for things like financial advice." Apparently Paris has "longed for a mother figure" for years and "latched on to Janet." Also: Did you know that MJ was friends with Charlie Chaplin's son Michael and family? And! Is former child star Mark Lester — godfather of Michael Jackson's kids — actually their father? Also inside: Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo broke up because Tony told her he wasn't going to marry her, says a friend. "He flat-out told her if she was looking for someone to propose and give her a white wedding and a family, he was not that person, and they should go their separate ways while they're still young." Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler have been flirting on the set of The Bounty. A pal says: "She says she's through repeating her old patterns. She thinks Gerard is the kind man who loves women, not girls." Wait, what? Lastly: A source says sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson and Emilie de Ravin have been "shacking up" in his suite at the Waldorf-Astoria; she stays there 5 or 6 nights a week. But! A pal of R. Patz says: "The minute Rob gets back to playing Edward the vampire, he'll go into method-acting mode and spend all his time with Kristen." Oh, and please note how Rob and Emilie look sunny and happy in the accompanying photograph, while Kristen Stewart looks like an impoverished urchin or hobgoblin (Fig. 1.)
Grade: F (raw sewage)

Life & Style
"Kim Helped Me Lose 20 Lbs. In Four Weeks."
Khloe Kardashian, who is 5'9", says "I'm now a size 6, but I've been up to a size 10 in the past." THE HORROR. The magazine photographs her wearing a swimsuit by a pool standing on a scale in stilettos, arms raised triumphant (Fig. 2). She says: "I don't want to be the fat, funny one anymore." Was she ever fat? Anyway. Basically, she worked out and ate edamame instead of pretzels, and a lot of grilled chicken. But, Khloe says: "I love my body, big or small." Moving on: Shiloh and Zahara Jolie-Pitt take dance classes at Creation Station in Studio City, CA. Their dance teacher says: "I have closet full of stuff for them to wear — wings and wands, tutus, top hats and capes." Also: "Zahara was a little more coordinated — she was trying to help Shiloh. She was taking on the big sister role." Cute! Mischa Barton talks to the mag in an "exclusive" interview, responding to the Heat magazine cover where she's called "bloated." She says: "All that matters is how I feel about my body." There's a two-page spread of pictures that involved a helicopter flying over Katherine Jackson's pool where Michael Jackson's kids were playing with their cousins (Fig. 3). Is that even legal? Lastly, in Dr. Rey's Casebook, details about Stephanie Pratt's nose job (her face has "gotten glam!"); and Jennifer Aniston either got implants or a padded bra — an opportunity for the good doctor to shill his plunge halter bra (Fig. 4).
Grade: F (rotten food left in sun)

In Touch
"Jon's Engaged!"
Jon Gosselin gave his 22-year-old girlfriend Hailey Glassman a $180,000 ring — featuring a skull surrounded by four black diamonds. Classy! Of course, maybe the bauble was just something Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier had lying around on his yacht, where Jon and Hailey were hanging out — for business reasons, since Jon had a meeting with Audigier. Anyway, gotta love the sidebar headline: "He's Giving Hailey What He Never Gave Kate." Meaning luxe vacations and fine dining. Then again, he hasn't given Hailey 8 kids. Yet! Moving along: A friend says: Paris Jackson wants to be with Janet Jackson: "Paris doesn't just love Janet, she worships her. She sees Janet as the mom she never had." Brad and Angelina had a fight before the twins' birthday on July 11. "Angelina became enraged when Brad told her that he doesn't want to have any more children with her." Wait, he wants to have more kids, just not with her??!?! An insider says: "She was hoping to patch things up by getting pregnant again, even though she knew in her heart the relationship was on the rocks." YAWN! Oh, "Bathing Suit Shockers & Stunners" has pictures of people like Demi Moore (Stunner, though we can see her ribs); Lindsay Lohan (Shocker, "skin and bones,"); Kelsey Grammer (Stunner, he's been working out after suffering a heart attack); and Pam Anderson (Shocker: "Pam's body isn't like it used to be." Maybe because she is 42?) Check out old pictures of Cloris Leachman as a bathing beauty (Fig. 5)! Lastly: Jennifer Aniston is having a "revenge romance" with Gerard Butlter, and holds him the same way she held Brad Pitt and John Mayer (Fig. 6).
Grade: F (filthy restroom)

Us
"Second Chance."
After five pages of speculation about how since Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are both single now they MIGHT get back together since they are "haunted by the ghost of their relationship past," quotes refuting this theory appear at the end of the story: "He would never ever go back with her. He's a different person now," a source says. "All Nick wants now is a non-famous girl he can settle down and have kids with." Then the magazine writes: "Ironically, though Simpson now wants to settle down and have a family, a source close to her tells Us she isn't pursuing her ex-hubby." "They don't talk and haven't seen each other in years," the insider says. "That's the last thing on her mind." Okay then! Moving on: Supposedly, the two Real Housewives who were the behind the scenes troublemakers asking for more money were Jill Zarin and Ramona Singer. Apparently the producers said, "Do you think we'll have a hard time replacing you?" and scared the shit out of them. Jermaine Dupri and Janet Jackson have broken up! That's why he didn't attend Michael Jackson's memorial. The two have been "moving in different directions." Please note that Us uses the word "bimbo" to describe Jon Gosselin's new girlfriend. The mag speaks with James Appleton, who describes himself as Hailey's "hook-up friend." He says they broke up right before Hailey started seeing Jon: "A couple of days later, a mutual friend was like, oh, hey, your girl Hailey is pretty famous. She's dating this older guy who has like, eight kids." Another friend says Hailey is bisexual: "She's open about it. And I've seen it happen." There are some cute pictures of Kendra and Hank's honeymoon, for those interested.
Grade: F (sulfuric intestinal gas)

Star
"Jen's Revenge."
Jen and Gerard have adjoining trailers on the set of The Bounty, and have been eating lunch together and taking yoga together. IT MUST BE LOVE. Moving on: Penelope Cruz wore a ring with a gem stone in it, so Javier Bardem has "put a ring on it." The story called "From Hunks To Chunks" is about guys who have put on weight. Jon Gosselin, Joey Fatone and Bobby Brown have "Moobs! Jelly bellies! Thunder thighs!" Is Demi Lovato cutting again? The mag says "cutting is a secretive self-mutilation ritual girls sometimes use." Girls only? Huh. Renée Zellweger is such a germaphobe that she makes people put hospital booties on their feet when they come into her house, even if they are wearing socks. Blind item! "Which reality TV star isn't speaking to his best bud after getting stood up at Diddy's White Party in L.A.? He's raging after waiting all day for his pal's call to meet up, which never came." Tony Romo went out partying the night after he broke up with Jessica Simpson and "caught a cougar." He hooked up with 43-year-old actress Michelle Johnson, whom you may remember from her fine work on Melrose Place and Tales From The Crypt. Jessica was shocked by the breakup because Tony had just given her a necklace as a "promise to wed" symbol. "He asked her then to hang in there, to take it as a symbol of his commitment to her. He knew just how to string her along." People say Mischa Barton is puffy and bloated from drinking and partying, but she claims she had her wisdom teeth removed (Fig. 7). A trainer who does not treat her says she must tip the scale at over 150 lbs. Michael Jackson wrote all the time, scribbling on napkins and pieces of paper and his mother Katherine wants to collect his writing and keep it for the kids when they get older. Also, he told his "diary" that he wanted to adopt a girl, but he was frustrated that agencies in the U.S. wouldn't let him adopt because of the child molestation charges. He also was "jealous" of Janet's sexuality — he wanted to be sensual and provocative like her, but struggled with feeling like an innocent child. And he wanted to get even more plastic surgery to make his cheekbones more prominent, but his doctors were against it, so he got Botox instead. Brad Pitt is buying "bachelor pad" in Big Sur — which he'll use to get away from Angie. Lastly: Charlie's Angel Kate Jackson hired some guy to clean up her house, because she was living in squalor, so of course he took pictures and sold them to Star. She seems to be addicted to pain killers and the guy says her teeth were rotten and her eyes were yellow.
Grade: F (skunk)

Fig. 1

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Fig. 6

Fig. 7 (Click to enlarge)

The Pool Movies That Ruined a Generation's Greatest Directors

Natasha VC — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 12:50:36 EDT

Remember the 90's? The decade when America ran out of cocaine and was forced to go to the movies instead? Some of those movies were really good! So why did those filmmakers turn out to be so disappointing?

There was a ton big budget slop but there was also a hefty amount of grit.
Movies like Usual Suspects, Pulp Fiction, Memento, L.A. Confidential, aw hell, even Fight Club were a great mix of pulp and substance.

With dynamos like Quentin Tarantino leading the charge, it looked as though Hollywood had a new surge of quality filmmakers. If you remember all that then you certainly remember the sense of betrayal you felt when you heard something, like, say Robert Rodriguez was directing Spy Kids 2? What happened to these guys?! Was it the pressure? The art? The women? According to a new GQ interview with Tarantino, it was the swimming pools!

"When you gotta go out and make a movie to pay for the kids' private school and for the three ex-wives, don't talk to me about your artistry. It's their job. I don't want to have to watch the movie I made to pay for my pool." Taraneninto went to say he didn't want to be making movies into his 60's."

It's true! On a long enough time line everyone's success rate reaches zero. And judging from the mixed reviews of Tarantino's newest flick, it looks like that timeline is really short! So we looked at some of the best directors of the 90's and tried to mark the precise moment they decided to re-tile their pools.

And sure, some will nab a prestige comeback flicks but there will always be that bottomless chlorinated beast to feed.

David Fincher: Se7en, The Game, Fight Club
Pool Movie: Panic Room

Fincher was a decorative filmmaker with a pretty morbid vision. Then he made Panic Room with Jodie Foster, who some time in late 90's also decided that she would stop picking plum roles and just you know, show up. Now grasping at commercial success with movies like Benjamin Button, it's safe to assume that Fincher will continue to splash around in the shallow waters of mediocrity.

Jonathan Demme: Silence of the Lambs, Philadelphia.
Pool Movie: The Truth About Charlie
Silence of the Lambs was a game changer for all psychological thrillers about wang-tucking serial killers. Then he encouraged us to reach out and touch a gay, which was fine. But then Demme dropped the Whalberg bomb with The Truth About Charlie. That is an awful movie! And Demme has not made anything not-awful since!

Curtis Hanson previous films: L.A. Confidential, Wonderboys, 8 Mile
Pool Picture: Lucky You

Three years too late, Lucky You tried to capitalize of the poker craze of '02 with a jerky rom-com staring Eric Bana (whose appeal is still a mystery to me) . Lucky You was an undredeemableIe flop. Rex Reed put it best: "I don't know a grand slam from a royal flush and couldn't care less, so I might just as well have been watching a two-hour translation of Egyptian hieroglyphics."

Steve Soderbergh: Sex, Lies, Videotape, Traffic, Che
Pool Movie: The Good German
When Soderbergh made Ocean's 11 in 2001 you could fill an Olympic sized pool with the art house tears. But Ocean's was crowd-pleasing pop at it's best. Soderbergh's real paycheck flick was The Good German . An updated noir vehicle for George Clooney that mucked the line between homage and mockery.

Ang Lee: Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Brokeback Mountain
Pool Movie: The Hulk
Way to go, Ang! Just when we were starting to believe that you were as good as everyone said you were, you go and make The Hulk.

Hogwarts Democracy Threatened by Insurgent Undead

Natasha VC — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 12:04:35 EDT

Are you still trying to write the perfect 140 character review for Harry Potter? Whatever you say, Quentin Tarantino thinks he could do it better. Also, they're going to bring back the Twlight Zone it will be the awful revision.

Harry Potter 6 sold out over 4,500 midnight screenings last night. Box office scientists predict the new Potter movie will break all Mid-Week-6th-Installment-of-Magical-Being-Coming-Of-Age-Movies-That-Open-on-the-287th-Day-of-the-Lunar-Calender ticket sale records. [LAT

There will be a TV show dedicated only to Twilight news. Does this mean that the Twilight kids are like The Beatles of the Undead? Does that make Daniel Radcliffe a young Mick Jagger? Does that make me a third rate Chuck Klosterman? [THR]

Speaking of which! Quentin Tarantino thinks you're a shitty writer: "I respect criticism," he said, "But I know more about film than most of the people writing about me. Not only that, I'm a better writer than most of the people writing about me. And I can write film criticism better than most of the people writing about me." Yes but how well could he tweet it? #burned. [ Vulture ]

Do you like overwrought shows about chemically dependent geniuses? Are you interested in their story of redemption? Here's a new promo for House season 6. House goes to rehab! [TV Guide]

Sometimes it can feel as though we are victims of an unjust universe that could roll us between its thumb and forefinger and squish us like a bug for any arbitrary reason. But sometimes it feels as though humans have the ability to craft their own destiny and impose a restorative kind of justice in the word. The blogger who leaked the Chinese Democracy got two months of house arrest. [ AP ]

Michael Jackson's Famous Hair Fire: The Video

Richard Lawson — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 12:00:18 EDT

Oh, holy god. Remember when Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire while filming a Pepsi commercial in 1984? Well Us Weekly got the harrowing footage and claims the injury spurred his terrible painkiller addiction. His head just... catches on fire.

The video clearly shows Jackson doing a few pyrotechnics takes safely and then, on the sixth, everything goes disastrously wrong and his hair is set ablaze. It almost looks as though Jackson doesn't notice it at first, until some guy runs on and just sprays him in the fucking face with a fire extinguisher.

A Hot Tin Goof

Richard Lawson — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 09:28:00 EDT

[That's 42-year-old "90210" star AnnaBanna McManna or whatever on the left with her two costars, Daisy and Maisey, filming in Los Angeles; image via INF]

Which Musical Tweener Has Forever Broken a Young Girl's Heart?

Richard Lawson — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 09:24:00 EDT

Today we have a young starlittle who likes to smoke marijuana cigarettes with her parents (dunh dunh dunh!), a tween who got her tween dreams crushed tweenily, and an actress on a terrible crash diet.

1) "Which grungy young starlet's idea of a good time is getting stoned with her ex-hippie parents?" [NYDN] [Kristen Stewart, right?]

2) "So, imagine if you will that you are a teenage girl and you have the opportunity to meet your male tween singing crush. Someone who comes from a singing family, but not as famous as the other part of the singing family. Imagine you meet this crush and he chats you up and before he leaves for the night he gets your phone number and you also make out a little bit. So, your tween crush goes on tour but while he is on tour he calls you and calls you fairly frequently. You really think he likes you and so when he asks you to meet him in another state you agree. Of course your mom doesn't agree to let you go alone but says she will go with you. The tween star is ok with that and so you make plans, buy tickets (cheap bastard) and book hotels. You get down there after having spent all that money and he stands you up. No call no nothing and you never hear from him again." [CDaN] [The ugly Jonas? Some people think it's this fool.]

3) "Which actress has resorted to extreme dieting to drop some extra weight? She may have gotten a little depressed after her last film didn't do well, because she stopped exercising and started eating foods that would normally never pass her lips. Her diet plan now consists of less than 1000 calories a day of organic fruits and vegetables and a special soy drink. She is also exercising several hours a day in an extremely hot environment. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to us." [BlindGossip] [Zellweger?]

Ari Emanuel Will Rule Hollywood as Its New Jesus

The Cajun Boy — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 03:30:27 EDT

Superagent Ari Emanuel, brother of Rahm, has been getting lots of glowing press lately. Remember when the New York Times genuflected at his altar on their front page? Now The Independent is breathlessly touting his plans to single-handedly reinvent Hollywood.

Now that Emanuel has successfully merged Endeavor, the agency he co-founded, with the venerable William Morris Agency, he has the opportunity to "fuck CAA," something that's been rumored to motivate him to get out of bed each morning. How will Emanuel do it? By controlling everything.

Ari Emanuel has made a bold calculation: in order to survive, talent firms are going to have to do more. They must stop being simple deal-makers, become "mega-agencies" – vast, multi-faceted companies with marketing departments, events divisions, and new media offshoots which help clients to leverage income from a wide variety of sources.

Agents will also have to take a more pro-active role in the actual creation of films, making them more likely to be called upon to "package" a production: attaching directors, producers, and actors from their own stable to a particular project, before selling it to the studios.

In such a business, larger firms boast a huge competitive advantage. CAA recently announced it will move into new territory financing new films. Taken to its natural conclusion, this could dramatically alter the sort of films that make it to cinemas.

Optimists, which Hollywood is never short of, believe that this represents the potential to produce a new "golden age" of film-making, where power is returned to creatives, instead of being stifled by studios. "Ari created his new firm because he knew he had to be big to be at the level where he could successfully do that," says a former colleague of Emanuel's. "It's a gamble, frankly, but if anyone can pull it off, he can."

Whether or not "packaging" and the ever-growing power of Hollywood talent management firms is a good or bad thing is open to debate, and frankly we're kind of torn on the matter, but for anyone to suggest, as the anonymous "optimists" cited in the article do, that the industry's progression toward mega-agencies is even remotely rooted in an idealistic desire to revitalize its level of artistic integrity is, well, just plain stupid.

The types of people who become agents are almost universally motivated by one thing—Money. And sex, but mostly money. Even more so than the people who work in studios, agents are driven by greed. Just ask anyone who's ever had an agent in Hollywood and we're pretty sure that they'll confirm that. Not that's there's anything all too necessarily wrong with that, we just felt compelled to address that ridiculous fantasy here and now.

Finally, with all this hype going around about Ari Emanuel, we're kind of eager to see how his inevitable downfall will play out. Will some renegade screenwriter step up to be the Joe Eszterhas to Ari's Mike Ovitz? Regardless, we give Ari's reign of terror somewhere between five and ten years, depending on how long his brother is working in the White House. Hollywood may be a town full of pricks, but it's a town with a history of taking down any one prick that dares to swell too much bigger than any of the others.

Ari Emanuel: 21st Century Hollywood Mogul [Independent]

Why Wiccans and Virgins Can't Be Friends

Natasha VC — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 17:48:49 EDT

A source working at Comic Con tells us that organizers are purposefully putting Avatar events far from Twilight events because they fear a melee between the Fanboys and TweenGirls. Hopefully there will be enough
wolf T-shirts for everyone.

Surely you've heard about the notorious Twilight Riots of '08? An unruly girl-mob, outfitted in capes and uncomfortable training bras were forced to wait hours just to glimpse the fanged protagonist of a beloved vampire franchise AND THEN THEY WENT INSANE!

Well, those girls got tickets to Comic Con. And so did some varsity-level sci-fans anxious to see footage from James' Cameron's Avatar.

What is Avatar about? No one really knows! But what we do know (or at have at least heard) is that Cameron has rejected eight different versions of a promotional trailer. So the Sci-Fi enthusiasts (who generally carry the Y-chromosome) savage from their diet of Cheetos and Red Bull will be aggressively gobbling up all things Avatar. Should they get in the way of estrogen frenzied vamp girls, there will be mayhem. Or maybe a few less virgins and a few more future citizens of middle earth if you know what I mean! Hey-O! Either way, concern for the public's safety abounds.

Image via The Daily What

Lindsay Lohan's Tale: The Pornography

Richard Lawson — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 16:49:14 EDT

Oh dear. Hustler has produced the inevitable: Lindsay Lohan-based parody porn. The Untrue Hollywood Stories installment (trailer is PG-13 but the ads on Fleshbot are decidedly NSFW) follows Lilo's ruined trajectory (including a Sam Ronson lookalike!).

The Perfect Antidote to the Summer of Death: Jon Hamm Publicity Tour

Natasha VC — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 16:05:57 EDT

With the stink of celebrity deaths and recession wafting around us, we need a restorative figure of youth. A symbol of American virility. A man who, despite his antiquated views of women and Jews, can make America feel giddy again.

Is there any one who could possibly meet our nation's most pressing demand? Is there any one out there who can just make us feel good again?

Yes! His name is Jon Hamm you may recognize from the the trillion of subway ads you've been seeing. Bless the thoughtful souls of AMC marketing who are revving up their full throttle promotion for Mad Men's third season premiere (only 33 more days!) Not only are they clearing the fetid air with Hamm's scent of masculine perfection (Sandalwood? Coolwater?) but they're trying to stimulate our economy!

First to the retailers! Banana Republic will be premiering a line of " 'Mad Men' Inspired clothes line. Think sharp suits, wide skirts and scotch-guarded collars to protect from the lip stains left by lonesome hussies. Do you think BR will sell Jon Hamm's undershirts as novelty items? Do you think I can get one? Do you think Jon Hamm reads Gawker? Does he know I'M SINGLE?

Next up, the print business! Variety invites you to 'Relive the 1960's' . Sponsored by Mad Men, the trade has scanned and archived some of the big Hollywood headlines from The Old time. Ah, remember the the Old Time? When men like Don Draper could buy a car, a house, an apartment for his mistress without fear of mortgage meltdown and a Jackson family reality TV show?

But it doesn't stop there! No, Jon Hamm is even reviving the integrity of American Baseball! No more of this beefy divas dopped up on goofballs! No! Just a man with a strong jaw, a firm set of hands, a numbing sense of alienation and despair brought on by the post-war paradigm, and a basic cable show, playing some ball. Ladies and gentlemen: JON MOTHERFUCKIN' HAMM.

Video via Hamm Enthuiast and all around great gal Lindsay Robertson.

Another Reason Why Your Boyfriend is in Love With Natalie Portman

Natasha VC — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:03:56 EDT

We know you've been wondering, "Why aren't there more romantic comedies inspired by Norse mythology?" Well, we have good news! There's also some news about the reclusive Jackson Family and Mel Gibson in a Beaver suit. To The Jump!

Natalie Portman cements her position as Ethereal Goddess to the fan boy population by signing off to star in Thor: a movie about the Norse god of thunder. [THR]

Did you know that Neil Patrick Harris is going to host the Emmys? Of course you did! Here's a press release about the worst kept secret in Hollywood. [Variety]

Beaver! Is the name of the ‘whimsical drama' Jodie Foster might direct and co-star in alongside Mel Gibson. Both Steve Carell and Jim Carrey were circling the role earlier but it looks like Gibson will be the one zipping up that suit. [LA Times]

Shark Tank is a new reality show slated to premiere in the fall on NBC. The premise is: an inventor pitches a room of dour looking investors. If the inventor woos them, they invest their oodles of capital into the inventor's dreams. Here's a clip from the Brittish verision which I'm sure is more droll but nevertheless heart-warming! [THR]

A&E is working on a reality project with the media shy Jackson family. [THR]

Just weeks after 20th Century Fox put the brakes on Tony Scott's "Unstoppable" -– the runaway-train with a ballooning budget — now Denzel Washington has backed out! What other indigities must befall the locomotive industry be we learn to appreciate them again?! Denzel was set to play a veteran engineer who jumps into a locomotive (the coal kind!) with a young conductor (Star Trek's Chris Pine) to halt an unmanned runaway train filled with a toxic chemical. [Variety]

When asked if she believed if some of Heath Ledger's die-hard fans would be upset about producers reviving Heath's role in the TV adaption of 10 Things I Hate About You. Meaghan Jette Martin, who will play Julia Stiles role in the TV Show responded, "That's such an interesting thing because the movie is an adaptation of The Taming of the Shrew and Shakespeare passed away. Was the movie disrespecting Shakespeare?" The question is ageless. [TV Guide]

Barbara Walters Does Not Like Brüno, Anal Sex

Tracie — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 13:40:00 EDT

Today on The View, Babs gave her review of Brüno. In voicing her displeasure over pubic hair, anal sex, and "a machine that shows you how to have oral sex," it sounds like she's talking about a bad Saturday night.

P.S.

P.P.S.

Which TV Star Likes to Expose Himself at the Gym to Show Off His Porn-Sized Endowment?

Richard Lawson — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 09:53:00 EDT

Today we have a gay TV actor who likes to flaunt his joint at the community gym, a nasty fameball who was caught slipping a lady a roofie, and a brokenhearted actor who ended up in a bathroom threesome.

1) "Which openly gay TV star likes to show off his stuff at the gym by walking around sans towel - and referring to himself as 'porn-worthy?'" [NYDN]

2) "What sleaze ball celebutard who is a waste of space and a criminal was at a party in the past week and spotted putting something into the drink of a woman. He claimed ignorance, grabbed her drink, chugged it down and then left the party." [CDaN]

3) "There was a party last weekend, and this movie actor arrived in a glum mood. His girlfriend, who is also in the acting biz, had just broken up with him for the second or third or fourth time. After a few drinks and lots of attention from the ladies, however, our actor began to cheer up. And after a twenty-minute private consultation in the restroom with two of those ladies, he was positively grinning from ear to ear." [BlindGossip]

Just In Case You Needed Another Reason to Loathe Ryan Seacrest

The Cajun Boy — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 01:03:36 EDT

The LA Times reports tonight that American Idol host Ryan Seacrest has received a three year, $45 million contract extension, plus a $300,000 annual "expense account." Maybe those rumors about Simon Cowell getting $144 million are true? [Company Town]

The Only Remaining Childhood Memories Not on a Hollywood Development Slate

Richard Lawson — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 15:09:58 EDT

We've long noted how Hollywood is out of ideas. Now, we fear a new crisis is upon studio executives: they are running out of cartoons, TV shows and toys to transform into movies. Here are the only remaining viable properties.

Having revived Hong Kong Phooey, the schlocky, chop-socky 70s cartoon about a racially insensitive dog and his kung fu adventures and the fucking View-Finder toy, and another one about Candy Land the boardgame, Hollywood has long decided that there is no such thing as a bad idea when it comes to developing movies around "existing intellectual properties."

The thinking seems to be that new, original projects are just too damn risky. People don't want to shell out $12 for something they don't know already. That sentiment started with the bigtime executives and producers, but has now trickled down to basically everyone.

What we can only imagine is a cynical, jaded, resigned David Goodman, the script writer for Hong Kong Phooey, is also doing an update of Who Killed the Great Chefs of Europe?, a movie from the 70s that he's transplanting to Vegas. He's also a staff writer on TV's irksome referencepalooza, Family Guy.

Phooey will be a terrifically terrible blend of live action and animation, much like the successful Alvin and the Chimpmunks and Garfield, which, hey!, were also based on other old things. Though this story—regular janitor gets transformed into magic karate dog—is decidedly weirder than a lasagna-scarfing cat and, um, a lonely gay man living with three teenaged chipmunks that eat poop. Wait, actually maybe it's not weirder than Alvin.

But, still. Not only is Hollywood Out Of New Ideas, it's Out Of Semi-Decent Old Things. It's really barrel-scraping at this point. So we ask you: Can a Snorks epic be far behind? Have we really heard the last of Jabberjaw and The Neptunes?

Some of the only other viably adaptable properties left:

Connect Four: Very popular in hipster bars, because it's throwbacky and laughably simple. Basically the movie adaptation would be about hot young harried singles living stacked on top of each other in a Manhattan apartment building and the wacky, sexy love combos that ensue. The great thing is that not only is it an adaptation of a popular tic-tac-toe game, it's also kind of an update of Friends as well. One stone, a whole flock of birds.

The Funky Phantom: This cartoon from the early 70s was about a Revolutionary War-era ghost named Jonathan Wellington "Mudsy" Muddlemore who had a cat named Boo and the three 70s-era teenagers he helped solve mysteries. Because it was the fashion of the day, they all drove around in a dune buggy. The phantom, who was decidedly unfunky, was voiced by the guy who did Snagglepuss. So the funky phantom was gay. So! Modern day! The word "Funky" means "Urban" these days which means "Black." So, Mr. Murphy? Are you ready? You don't have to be gay if you don't want to.

Power Wheels: In the world of the future, your wheels are what set you apart and what give you power. Our story unfolds in sun-baked urban hellsphere Meridian City, ruled by the awful Silas Cain (a seriously desperate John Malkovich), who pits innocent citizens (and their wheels) against each other in gasoline-fumed battle royales. He says it's for population control—the food is running out and a rebellious band of freedom fighters, called Hydros, keep staging raids on the feed warehouses—but it's really so he can control through terror. But one day a young wheel-jockey named Max Axel (it would have to be Shia, probably), who watched both of his parents die at The Arena, makes a wary pact with the Hydros to fight the power, using only their wits... and their wheels.

Skip-It: Nick Cannon produces and cameos in (as a weary elder) this hype flick about an East St. Louis underground dance circuit where everyone's doing a new thing called skippin'. Skippin' is fast, furious, off the hook, and mad masculine when the fellas do it and mad girly when the ladies get they skip on. But what will happen when a brother and sister team from Rockwood try to break in? Will the Don let them skip? Will Maisley make it work with badboy Braxton? And will her twin brother Thorne win the heart of the tough-as-nails Monique without getting beat down by her jealous ex-boyfriend Malik? It's gateds vs. ghettos in this pulse-pounding story about the wars we wage in love and dance. You definitely won't want to skip it.

Alphie: The 1980s' favorite teaching robot gets a new treatment in this haunting and terrifying psychological sci-fi thriller. Everyone loves their Alpha Omega Units (Alphies for short). The knowledge-giving teaching robots are used in the classroom, on the job, and in space. When a team of scientist astronauts, led by captain Diane Lane and first officer Chris Evans, ventures deep into the Black Lights—a space zone where communication signals die and time bends—someone begins to sabotage their ship. Plus, everyone seems to be getting smarter. Maybe too smart. Is Alphie involved? Will anyone survive? Movie also stars Ming Na as chief space surgeon Dr. Q. Yang, a bored-looking David Strathairn as Astro-Historian Jonas Zentrope, and Elle Fanning as the ethereal young Brainchild, Isis.