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Saturday Night Special [Saturday]

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:15:00 -0500

We've survived through another wonderful, crazy Saturday. Seriously: crazy kids, crazy rock stars, crazy politicians, and just straight-up crazies. Glad we made it out okay. Here's your SNL open thread.

Tonight's SNL: Dave Matthews Band and Joseph Gordon-Levitt? Uh, what movie is JG-L promoting, and didn't DMB's new album come out a while back? And I'm pretty sure this isn't a re-run, so....

Okay, seriously? This feels wrong. And not just in my ear.

Joseph Gordon-Leavitt's pretty great. He is! And if you're drunk enough and with people who will not shame you for knowing the words to "Ants Marching," so is the Dave Matthews Band. And really, how much more could they screw the pooch on this show after last week? I almost kind of want it to be terrible just so I have an excuse to rip out the juicy SEO-happy headline SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: LORNE MICHAELS IS JUST FUCKING WITH US, NOW. But I kind of don't because I'm one of those people who shamelessly believes in this show to one day be good again. Hey, at least I'm not a Cubs fan. Also, Seth Meyers has a nice Sunday routine. Hopefully you all do, too, and it involves coming here and clicking on everything a million times.

OH. Before I forget. You should all vote for my New Yorker cartoon so I can win and take a tour of their offices in my Weekend at Bernies costume. No, seriously: this is art, and we can do this together, people.

Tomorrow! Altarcations at 2:30. SNL Digest. Kids who have to take Prep Tests in Kindergarten. And a very, very, very special treat. Until then, a nice song to take us out. By someone who isn't a (possible) date rapist. Thankfully, just a drunk, like the rest of us.

All John Mayer Interviews Now Lead to the Same Conclusion: He's (Probably) a Date Rapist. [American Psychos]

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 21:15:00 -0500

No, seriously. John Mayer songs are great! Have you listened—like, really listened—to "Daughters"? That's a song. But why does John Mayer think it's awesome to give rapey quotes?

It's fine for someone to be quirky, and John Mayer certainly seems to be better than your average pop star, and/or prettyboy singer-songwriter. There's no reason for him to be giving rapey interview quotes.

You know that scene in Bull Durham, where Kevin Costner is coaching Tim Robbins on what to say to the press? This is it:

Exactly.

Stick to the press lines, John Mayer. Or at least don't come off as rapey. And the thing is, it's not like he even has to come off as rapey.

Fact: He is smart! Blues guitarists are notoriously sharp people. He can play mean blues guitar. Which takes brains and talent. When he isn't making his rapey guitarface.

Fact: He has done funny things that aren't rapey before. Like walking around in a bear suit before his shows screwing with his fans. Or riffing with Dave Chappelle.

Now, remember when he told New York Magazine that he'd basically rape Jada Yuan (or Mark Graham)?

....the next record will have that concept.

What concept?
More political things, worldly things.

Such as?
Nothing rhymed with public option.

You don't always have to rhyme, though.
I'm going to forcefully sodomize your editor.

Ha ha, so funny, except there's truth in every joke, John Mayer. We'll excuse it because if you have a good sense of humor and forget that there's truth in every joke, John Mayer, it can be pretty goddamn funny.

Now, a few weeks later, and John gets profiled by New York Times pop music writer Jon Caramanica, who is the man and writes great stuff. So you should know not to be a pervy-sounding maybe-anal-rapist when Jon Caramanica is interviewing you, John Mayer, and get on your game, and try to be taken relatively seriously, because you could get a very, very great piece of press in a big publication by a talented pop music writer, right?

Caramanica's lede, in a piece called, John Mayer Just Has to Please the Girls:

"I should be having sex with more girls." This is what John Mayer concluded, using slightly more colorful language, last Sunday night at his anonymously modern apartment in SoHo.

Okay, so,
lives in a sparse modernist apartment,
makes jokes about anal rape,
thinks he should be having sex with more women,
is a famous rock star.

Oh, and this:

"It's crazy to me that in my head, that being 32 and dating women is going to get me in trouble," he said, talking faster as he went along. "I can't even explain to you how terrible that feels, that I equate dating a woman with punishment, shame, guilt, disappointment, reproach, reprimand, persecution. It's a nightmare."

Who has these issues? John Mayer has shame about dating women and getting in trouble? No. Fucking no! Telling young, female New York reporters you're going to anally rape their editors will get you in *trouble! From where does your "shame" come from John Mayer? HM?! Are you hiding something?!

Hopefully, John Mayer is not Patrick Bateman.

That said, Caramanica's piece ends like so. You be the judge:

At the encore, though, he let the public invade the private. "They say I'm a womanizer," he complained. "I say I haven't met enough women." The crowd cheered. Shrieked, really. Maybe things weren't so bad after all. "Cute girl," Mr. Mayer said, pointing into the sea of eager faces. "Cute girl. Cute girl. Kuh-yoot girl."

*John Mayer is welcome to tell me he will forcibly rape my editors, since all seven of them are all older men, and I see the humor in that. All seven of them.
**There is maybe truth in every joke, John Mayer.

Sarah Palin Now Pissing Off Everyone : Fans Boo Her, Martha Stewart Calls Her "Dangerous" [VideUhOh]

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 20:15:00 -0500

Evil Twin-spawning Sarah Palin isn't catching any easy breaks lately. Should she? Better ask her fans who, oh wait, are now booing her. And when Martha Stewart calls you out, damn, you know you've set some kind of bar.

Not exaggerating. Martha Stewart got asked by CNN why Sarah Palin's polarizing. Martha calls her "boring," "confused," "a dangerous person," and a "real problem." The best is when Martha throws down on a patronizing "good for her" when told about her book sales and then, after, "I wouldn't watch her if you pay me." SHOTS FIRED!

And then there's this wonderful clip. Palin dipped out of a signing early, and got booed by her fans, who were pissed that they didn't get their books signed. It goes without saying that Palin's fans sound just as patently insane hating her as they do loving her, but hey, you can't put lipstick on an neglectful idol, or whatever. Or you can, but, she's still gonna stiff you for a book signature.

This sounds like the worst book tour ever.

...As opposed to former New York Times $25 and Under food writer Peter Meehan and Momofuku Cookbook chef David Chang's book tour. Which goes something like this:

WHY was somebody calling me? Didn't they know I was still DRUNK from the night before? It was 5:00 a.m. Tosi explained to me what was going on. I had to get to Ssam Bar to pick up her and Gabe, a cook who'd be coming down to help us, and head to LGA. I was fucked up. Tosi wanted to kill me. I was literally falling over in a drunken stupor like Dudley Moore in Arthur. My life had two-day hangover written all over it. Arrive at airport at 5:50 for a 6:30 am flight and magically got on. For some reason, the flight got delayed for four hours... but it was all news to me: I pilled myself out, so I came to on the runway in Memphis.

See, Sarah Palin! If you're gonna do the book tour of a dangerous person who doesn't give a shit about pissing people off, there's a right way, and a wrong way. As far as signing books goes, if you ever need help, don't be afraid to ask. We might know a thing or two about it to help you on your way.

[Photo by Shealah Craighead, via the Going Rogue Facebook Group.]

And the Bony, Terrifying Hand of Black Friday Beckons [Consumerism]

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 19:30:00 -0500

I will refuse to acknowledge this season's hot trend in toys, electric Chinese hamsters, with anything but the following: 1. These forty words. 2. #WeHateYourKids. 3. Sigh. 4. #RichardGere. That is all. Are we done? We're done. Thank you. [NYT]

Glenn Beck's Scary Blueprint for World Domination in 2010, Unveiled: "The Plan" [Wtf]

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:45:00 -0500

Glenn Beck's talking up some scary plan for 2010 lately. It's scary because Glenn Beck is talking. And today, Glenn Beck unveiled his 100-year plot to fundamentally change America—and democracy—as we know it. Glenn Beck is fucking insane.

So: we got teased yesterday and this morning with two great pieces on Glenn Beck talking in his strange, voodoo-esque language on whatever way he plans to molest and exploit the minds of whoever will lend him an open ear to aim his ideological piss into. The first was the aforementioned Politico note, which quoted Beck teasing his big ideas on his show. But this was fun! Remember that scary 9/12 Project that was presumed to have gone away because only crazy people listened to crazy people and hey, there can't be that many crazy people who are that organized. We call those cults, and there are lots of them, sure. But they don't represent any kind of frightening majority. Because crazy people need crazy leaders with power and a platform and there aren't really any of those out there as completely insane as the 9/12ers are, right?

Christine Drawdy, a Florida event promoter involved in the tea party and 9/12 movements who is listed as the travel coordinator for the 2010 march, said the permit for the march is in the name of The 9.12 Project's administrator, Yvonne Donnelly. Though Drawdy stressed that Beck "is not the leader of" the 912 movement, she added "all he has to do is say something, and they'll jump."

And by 'jump,' she means, kill people.

Brian Stetler at the New York Times also talked to Beck before today. Stetler's a sizable dude, not someone I imagine can be easily intimidated, nice as he is. Really, he could probably bounce a guy Glenn Beck's size easily.

That said, I imagine he'll be sleeping in the fetal position tonight:

"We'll be looking for ways to get people involved in politics," [Beck] said. "I hear people saying, ‘O.K., now what?' They're calling their representative, but it's time to get more proactive."

Right. So. What was Beck's big plan? He unveiled it today, starting with his website, which is the image you see at the top of this post. One more thing before we get there, though. This video, taken at a Borders yesterday, of Beck teasing out The Plan.

"We're gonna be asking of you some big things." Funny, I've been told the same thing by my bosses, but the first thought that went through my head never involved any kind of civil war and/or revolution.

But hey, Beck: he's just passionate! No way could this entire rollout involve the guy cashing in.

No way could all of this buzz, this entire thing, all of this talk about "community organizing"—taking The Dirty Word of President Barack Obama's past and platform, and putting it to their own new, awesome, terrible uses—no way could Beck be leading his flock into spending some cash.

Funny, then, that they found out that The Plan was for them to spend more money on Glenn Beck, The Brand. Observe his two key points from the manifesto written on his website:

- I have begun meeting with some of the best minds in the country that believe in limited government, maximum freedom and the values of our Founders. I am developing a 100 year plan. I know that the bipartisan corruption in Washington that has brought us to this brink and it will not be defeated easily. It will require unconventional thinking and a radical plan to restore our nation to the maximum freedoms we were supposed to have been protecting, using only the battlefield of ideas.

- All of the above will culminate in The Plan, a book that will provide specific policies, principles and, most importantly, action steps that each of us can take to play a role in this Refounding.

Kinda sounds like a cross between Avon and the Left Behind series, right? Except with scarier salespeople who have drier hands.

Yeah, Glenn Beck's got a plan: for the next 100 years, he's gonna keep writing books and making TV shows, and his fans are going to keep buying into both of them. It's kind of genius. His entire multimedia empire is predicated on one, long, 100-year plot arc: that the main character will make viewers'/listeners'/readers' lives better so long as they're with him every step of the way. The man will make references to revolution, to change, to bringing everything back to a fundamental state. The beautiful irony he has to see and embrace—in order for this to have worked as long as it has—is that the only real movement he'll be making is into better cars and larger houses. The kinds that are far away from the rabid zombies who salivate at every vague allusion to blood and violence Mama Bird spits out like discarded pieces of chewing gum for them to suck every last grain of sweet flavor out of. The kind, if provoked, and unleashed, are as much as a threat to anybody as they are to him. A "random act of violence" is never really that random, is it? Especially when the word "radical" gets thrown around over, and over, and over.

More than anything, this guy is a threat to the proliferation of rational thought. Beck knows that there're people in the world who listen to this kind of nonsense without processing it any way but through their emotions, because they're tired, hungry, scared, or angry, and maybe, sometimes, rightfully so. Then again, so are most of us! But when you have an asshole like Beck running the con, one thing leads to another, and shit like this happens. Believe me, nothing would bring me more joy than to watch Glenn Beck get the Downfall-meme treatment after his empire of exploitative bullshit comes crumbling down under the weight of the inevitable rise of the truth: that this man is a crook, a fraud, a shyster, and a very skilled, sophisticated con artist. But who wants it to get that far?

Glenn Beck does have one up on Hitler in terms of likability: a decent Kermit impersonation. I'm pretty sure nobody with such an affection for Muppets can possibly be capable of anything too terrible.

Then again, evil, as we're all aware, is a scary, subversive force, and comes in all forms, at all times, with little to no discretion. Beware.

[Top image via Glenn Beck's website. Bottom image via Bert Is Evil.]

Which Upper West Side Personality and 1983 Obama Roommate Needs a Memoir-Writing Assistant? [Blind Items]

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 17:30:00 -0500

Blind items! They happen. Especially in Craigslist's depths, where inanity prevails in the form of, among other ways you never wanted to consider possible, job listings. So we want to know: which "highly visable" former Obama roommate needs an assistant?

The listing, preserved here for posterity, goes like this:

obama upper west side (West Village)
Date: 2009-11-20, 6:01PM EST
Reply to: job-ub4ww-1475290617@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

ATTN: I'm getting a lot of sarcastic emails. Don't bother sharing your wit with me: it's been done. And done. This is an UNPAID internship intended for a STUDENT and is a RESEARCH position that will give him experience and position on a prestige project. If you can't afford to work in a role that offers credit only, but no renumeration, this isn't for you. If you're the sort of person who has the spare time to respond sarcastically to Craigslist postings, this REALLY isn't for you. Thanks.

I'm working on a memoir, set in 1983, when I lived with Obama for a year.

The memoir is about my life and about what New York was like in 1983, and how we lived then, but Barack is obviously a player in the story. This is not a tell-all, it's a friendly, gentle and literate book.

I work full time in a highly visible career and would like to work with a research assistant to help me stay focused.

This is you:

You live in Manhattan and can visit the Village frequently.
Your living situation is stable, as is your personal life.
Your income is stable.
You can work with a six month window. (ok, maybe a year. it depends.)
You are a fantastic and empathetic listener.
You're creative and imaginative and a fine writer. You can shape material.
You don't drink or use drugs. No psychological disorders I have to deal with.
You are in a graduate writing program at NYU or Columbia.
You want an opportunity to work on a visible book.
You are dependable, timely, punctual and highly motivated to succeed.

This is an internship, not a paid position.

I have already begun, finally, this week, after thinking about it for a the last year. Now is the time. My agent is waiting on the first 100 pages. Let's go.

* Compensation: non-paying internship
* This is an internship job
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 1475290617

So: who do we have who needs an "intern" who is also in a graduate writing program? Or, otherwise: which Upper West Side asshole friend of Obama's hepcat days is now enough of a square to need an unpaid slave to help write their feeder-fish book and expect to be paid in the form of, maybe, a thank you in a book that has yet to be written on one year of Obama's life?

Have you applied for the job? You got any guesses? Shoot us an email or throw it in the comments. We'd love to know, 'cause, you know: we've got questions, too.

The 99th Percentile Bowl: 2009's Harvard-Yale Game, A Compiled Air-to-Ground Report [Awesome Things]

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 16:30:00 -0500

The Harvard-Yale game's a storied tradition for Ivy League grads who enjoy comparing degree sizes/names. For everyone else, it's an opportunity to watch America's Prestigious Ivy Grads try to act like normal football fans, which they can't. So: what happened?!

First of all, the only people besides Harvard-Yale grads who have anything invested in this ritual are their hangers-on, asshole bloggers (me), or sports writers, who think they have a really great narrative on their hands by writing the same narrative they do every year. Watch. This year's filing by ESPN, penned by one Mr. Tom Lakin:

It is, after all, the 126th installment of a tradition that began back in 1875 with a 4-0 Harvard win. In the years since that first meeting, the legend of The Game has grown. Perhaps best known is the 1968 contest in which Harvard scored 16 points in the final 42 seconds to tie an undefeated and heavily favored Yale squad — a result immortalized in The Harvard Crimson student newspaper by the famous headline "Harvard Beats Yale, 29-29."

In 2008:

Before two of the nation's oldest universities had a field to play on, they were eager to prove which school was superior in the rough-and-tumble new sport of football. Since 1875, the Harvard-Yale rivalry has emerged simply as "The Game."...And with Satuday's tilt at the Yale Bowl the first time since 1968 both Yale and Harvard come into The Game unbeaten in league play, the rivalry game will determine the Ivy title.

And in 2007:

NEW HAVEN, Conn. (AP) — The current Yale and Harvard players have heard all about the tradition of the venerable rivalry and are preparing to make some history of their own. Meeting No. 124 is Saturday and the stakes are as high as they get with the Ivy League title up for grabs. Both teams enter with 6-0 conference records. The last time that happened was 1968 and Harvard famously rallied from 16 points down in the final 42 seconds to tie Yale, spoiling Yale's perfect season.

So, yeah: basically, the same shit every year. Big old tradition for people who don't normally care about football to care about football. These people don't have time for football! Between all the awesome regattas and going to one of a handful of schools getting a degree from now maybe matters, football's mostly bullshit to them until they own a stake in whatever team is smashing the Bears this week. To the rest of us, it's interesting only if you've really seen Big or The Dark Knight that many times, and there's nothing else to watch on TV. Because the Harvard-Yale game, as far as football goes, sucks. This is not an opinion so much as it is a general consensus.

This young gentlemen seems to think this year's hyperbolic announcing of the Yale-Harvard game might be a bit much.

As in, straight-up stupid. Because, yes, going to a game in New Haven is just like seeing a game anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line. You don't need to watch football or sports or even have been to the south to understand this. One palpable difference is: at the Harvard-Yale game, this guy has a better chance at scoring than either of the teams.

Needless to say, the situation in the SEC is slightly different. Like security! At Old Miss, they have issues with people wearing costumes. I mean, sure, Yale has people in "costumes."

But real football games don't mess with things like facepaint, or the asstacular body suit pictured above. Oh no, these guys go all out:

Woah, there, buddy! Went a little over the edge with your sporty spirit, no? Just slightly. KKK guys, showin' up to Old Miss games. At least the Ivy crowd would pick up on this kind of irony, and dress as Marxists, or something. What'd security at the Yale-Harvard game look like today?

OH ZHHOOOZHOOPUPPY.

Yeah, but Ivy Peeps can get hard, too, motherfuckers.

When they're not busy farting out the inevitable air of disappointment over the uninitiated. Observe the sad and sober:

A first-time drinker's disappointment, maybe? Next time we suggest an ether-soaked cloth. Because this isn't exactly the riotous assembly the rest of College Football gets to see every Saturday. Oh no. This is something else. The easily intimidated should gird their loins:

Who's skiing, today, right? The most accurate assessment might come via comparative basis. Granted, your high school football team may not be running world economies, but at least they can run an audible.

There is, however, culture to be had! And Yale-Harvard has a competitive spirit, to be sure. While inflatable bulldogs loom over alumni old and young, the youngest are trying to get drunk enough to black out—but inevitably puking—while rumblings and remembrances of competition not yet had or had too often result in the vicious pejorative shouting of whose school is better. It results in things like this. NSFW, especially if your work has a thing against assholes being incredible assholes and bad apings of The Departed:

And astute observations!

In SECspeak, this translates to EAT SHIT AND DIE YANKEE even though a rival school might only be thirty minutes north of another. Lost in translation, again and again. Other dispatches emerge:

I'm not sure what that means, but then again, I didn't go to Yale. Or Harvard. But I bet it has something to do with the enormous networking opportunities that present themselves at these things. Next year, I'm dressing as this guy and not leaving until I've closed a lower rate on my Visa. Or at least my dry cleaning bill.

But in the end, a winner must emerge. And today's winner was a come-from-behind defeat by Harvard. Let the celebrating begin. With Batman fans:

The Dark Knight would like you to get home safely, you second-rate sissies! A 14-10 victory IN YO FACE. More! The Harvard Law Dean of Students' Twitter Feed would like to feed into your insecurities over and over and over Yalies. Even they gotta get in on the action:

And Yale fans, like any good sports fans, prepare to riot at the failure of their warriors. Cop cars, turned over! Terrible taunting! Emotionally scarring and physically dangerous situations, yes? Yes!

We all have our own private consolations. Because, really, though, all college football ends in the same result, no matter who it is winning, no matter your school, your degree, your color, age, race, sexual orientation, tax bracket, building clearence, byline or birthright, we really truly are all the same when it comes to the endgame of a football victory: some straight-up homoerotic manlove, as fans rush the field.

Granted, these fans won't be getting arrested today, like everyone else's, but then again, they're not tearing down goalposts, either. Hell, they might get to play on "special teams" for an hour or two. A higher, deeper education, indeed. Note the young man in the left-hand corner of the picture, though: he knows, oh yes, he knows the truth of the situation. Yale-Harvard games, like their students, are just different. In the best ways possible.

Who's Tucker Max Blaming For His Movie's Failure Now? [Failures]

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:30:00 -0500

Oh, Tucker Max: he gave sleazy Encyclopedia Brotanica-eque website AskMen.com an interview. Given the chance to speak freely, he starts his egomanical blame game all over again. This time, blame: Middle America, The Man, His Artistry, and His Producers. Awesome!

Yeah. He went there.

He starts opining about how he wishes he had a different strategy—like to start in one city, as Paranormal Activity did—thus ironically echoing the same ethos of The Man Running Hollywood that he later rallies against: find the thing that just performed really, really well, and try to capitalize on its success. Which, whoops, too late.

See, but Max doesn't think he's The Man. He thinks he's The Artist. He's one of The People Who Create. And the people who fucked up his movie chance to become the next E.T. are not. No, really:

Look, here's what people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine owns you. And I was just never ever going to let that happen.

Kinda wish I were an artist, so my art could be 'relevant,' bro. He goes on: he doesn't hate on Big Movies because he's an Indie Movie Guy, because, you know, Transformers would make a stupid indie movie, right? So he's an indie guy. And there's no way he could've sold this movie out to be funny, no way. He just didn't let it go down like this, man. He would've had to stab someone if they put Seth Rogen in his movie. Not happening, no way.

This movie, if we had sold it to [FOX] Searchlight, they would've put Seth Rogen and Dane Cook in it, and they would've cut all the f*cking balls out of the jokes, and they would've brought in some sh*t bird to rewrite the script who would've had Tucker have a girlfriend and this and that, and then it's like they own everything, they may have fired me… I would've stabbed somebody if they had done that. They would've fired me off the movie because they own it — I don't own sh*t anymore, but then I'm the one who has to live with all their creative decisions.

Creative decisions! Like where to put the balls in the movie. Spielberg had the same problem with the girl in the red coat in Schindler's List, which he originally wanted to call Nazis Are Fucked Up, Yo. When you make a Big Studio Movie, you only get so much creative control over the ball jokes, you know? Max goes on to cite another problem as the opening of the film in small cities liek Carbondale, Illinois, a memory that provokes him to rage: "They just don't know the f*cking movies!" But he saves the best for the people of Darko Entertainment, Donnie Darko director Richard Kelly's production company, who produced the movie.

Now, come on. Donnie Darko's a great movie and say what you will of Southland Tales, but at least there's more to say about it besides "it sucks," something many movies (like Tucker's) can't move past. Why, Richard Kelly, did you let this guy into your house?

Well, hopefully, lesson learned. Especially after this bullshit:

Darko [Entertainment] gave us all the creative freedom we could've ever wanted with the budget we had, but once the movie was done, they made a lot of decisions distribution-wise that I would not have made. A lot of things.

How about: your movie is poop, the original product is started out as was poop, you are poop, and if anybody ever lets you work in Hollywood again, they, too, are poop? Nope. Because Tucker's got dreams, man. Big ones:

Another book, Assholes Finish First is coming out next year and then English release [of the film] is New Year's — UK release. Those are the next two big things.

1. Because the British don't think we're doltish enough.
2. Because, lesson learned, Assholes Definitely Finish First. In the race to the bargain bin. Which is where all Tucker Max material will continue to land.

Meta. Bro.

Color Me Impressed. [Noonanisms]

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:15:00 -0500

Can Peggy Noonan drink coffee and type her Thanksgiving sermon simultaneously? Find out!

The Long Island Tween Justin Bieber Riot of '09: Pandemonium, Arrests, Terror-Tweeting [Riots]

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 12:45:00 -0500

Do you know what a Justin Bieber is? You should: the 15 year-old star was read the riot act as 3,000 fans/parents descended on a Long Island mall, where his appearance had to be canceled. Fights! Chaos! Teenagers! RIOT!

When Dante talks about the Inner Ring of the Seventh Circle of the Inferno, I believe he was referring to something resembling the above photograph. Ughh.

So, yeah: 3,000 people show up to a Long Island mall for a signing this kid's having at an Abercrombie Kids. Madness breaks out, people have to go to the hospital, they've now pressed charges against a senior V.P. at Island-Def Jam for not Tweeting the cancellation of his appearence. Seriously.

Police arrested a senior vice president from Bieber's label, Island Def Jam Records, James A. Roppo, 44, of Hoboken, N.J., saying he hindered their crowd-control efforts by not cooperating. He was in custody Friday night, pending charges that could include criminal nuisance, endangering the welfare of a minor and obstructing government administration, Smith said. "We asked for his help in getting the crowd to go away by sending out a Twitter message," Smith said. "By not cooperating with us we feel he put lives in danger and the public at risk."

I wish cops would arrest me for not Twittering. Fantastic. Who's this kid again? He does this little song and dance:

Somehow, in this story, Usher is the Charlie to his, uh, "angelic teen dreaminess" or whatever, except why are teenage girls always crazy about teenage guys who look like girls? Maybe Zac Efron gets the exception card because he was in that Burr Steers movie with Matthew Perry, but still, like, the Carter Brothers? And they all act kinda hip hop-y [Except, again, for Efron: patterns!]. And early Justin Timberlake? And I mean, let's not even start on Hanson. The middle one? Are you kidding? Can someone please explain these things to me? Also, isn't the whole You + Me thing a bit tired? They should've really consulted MTV's in-house playbook before dropping that one.

Anyway, this kid, this 15 year-old Canadian kid, caused this scene:

Not exactly the reaction I had after the first time I saw the "You Oughta Know" video, but still, understandable on some level, right? WRONG. Because people were hurt. This is where G-12 Protests and Tiger Beat meet in the middle. I'm impressed, but also, kind of disappointed rubber bullets weren't at least threatened. Or even better: that they'd burn this entire Long Island mall's supply of Juicy Couture velour tracksuits. That would've stopped 'em dead in their tracks. Riot cops gotta pull out at least a few decent stops. Next time, call me. I know how to handle these things.

Anyway, a record exec is in jail—yay?—and a star is made, but whatever happened to the days when shit like this was all just A Hard Day's Night? He should learn, even though, apparently, the psychotic teen beasties of Long Island take a little more to be stopped than some clever hiding, in their great tradition of senseless consumer thuggery. Rage on, kids. Rage on.

Viva.

[Photo via HaveUHeard??]

Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin Actually Formed a Coalition of the Azzwizzards [Gossip Roundup]

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 11:30:00 -0500

Kind of like a Harry Potter book, right? Michael Lohan's now Jon Gosselin's contracts expert. Nothing but squares at the Daily News. Robert Pattinson hates his life. Carrie Prejean: monumentally stupider than previously imagined. Here's your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

So, wait, when did Michael Lohan become a contracts expert? Oh, that's right: when he started representing Jon Gosselin. Yeah: that's what they were doing hanging out together all those times. Lohan was representing Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin elected Michael Lohan to represent him. First of all, I don't care if Michael Lohan is offering to pay your cable bill in person, you do not elect Michael Lohan to represent you in any way, least of all in any kind of contract dispute. This is a guy who can't pay his child support which is probably like $15 a month, I mean, fucking really, Jon Gosselin. We kind of thought you were a lunk before but this is absurd. The agreement was in some kind of management capacity, and Lohan brought the documents to Zombie Radar, because that's where you go if you're the Deep Throat in contract negotiations between TLC and Jon Gosselin. You go to Zombie Radar. [NYDN]
Robert Pattinson is slowly having his soul sucked from his face because of Twilight. TMZ has the proof. Of course they do. [TMZ]
I know, I know, you're not supposed to use this word. Can we, just this once? No? Whatever, I really don't care. My ear hurts. Carrie Prejean is retarded. How retarded? Really retarded. I mean, besides being a complete ignoramus and misanthrope, she's so retarded that she can't even fill out her own questionnaire for the Ms. California pageant, so she had the guy she boned on the sex tape help her out with some of the questions. Synergy! One of the questions she needed help with was If you could have lunch with any one (1) person, who would it be and why? Like, you need HELP with that question? If my job were to sit around all day and answer questions like that (instead of solving the philosophical mysteries of the universe, as I'm doing right now), life would be pretty swell. Can I answer this? I would like to have lunch with Joey Bishop over some well-cooked steak. And then I'd like to ask him who he was and why nobody knows who he is and discern whether or not he had enough talent to be in The Rat Pack. That is all. [TMZ]
Hey, so! Remember that time ESPN denied sexual misconduct in the workplace? Right, like, every one of them. And then remember gossip jock sister site (and we do mean sister) Deadspin reporting on all those juicy ESPN sexual misconduct rumors that they'd been holding in their pocket forever? Turns out they were right. Katie Lacey, SVP of Marketing, was fired after ESPN had a change of heart on her longtime affair with ESPN's programming VP, David Berson, who was having an affair with Lacey. Jay Mariotti has yet to be fired for his love affair with being an asshole. [Page Six]
I don't know if it's my computer or what but seriously, look how the Daily News gossip pages came up this morning:

I mean, it's not necessarily gossip, per se, to note what a bunch of squares the people at the Daily News are, but when even the tech guys are messing with you like this, you've got problems. John Mayer reference? Maybe they're hiring. Just a thought.
Speaking of assholes at newspapers, stupid narcs, at stupid newspapers! Get this: Gov. Paterson's stepdaughter Ashley Dennis (pictured) was gonna have a bunch of her friends from Ithaca College come rock the Gov's mansion with Jell-O shots and beer—which is bad form, everyone knows you follow Jell-O shots with actual shots—in an invite that called the place "FDR's Polio Poolhouse," which, I don't know if that's official, but I like it! I would like her to come up with a crafty name for my apartment. Anyway, her party got canceled (or as the government would have it NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE, #conspiracytheory) because word of the jam got to a local newspaper. Mellow: harshed. [Page Six]
Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck is going on today. Read this story. Seriously. It's about some West Wing acctress I've never heard of defending the honor of J-Lo and Marc Anthony's dog as a "Lassie" and not a "Cujo," which is what I feel like I'm about to transform into. Seriously, everything's broken, the Daily News gossip pages are squares I have to interpret, and I feel like there's a cosmic dick in my ear and it hurts. Wrong side of the bed? More like wrong side of the universe. [NYDN]
Okay, seriously Warner Music Publicity? This is absurd. Nobody knows who this Katherine Jenkins person is, or what she sings, or why we should be so crazy-excited about her. Who is this person, why is she sooooo big in England, and why should we care? Go! Damn. Time's up. We still don't care. No, but really, look at this quote from "iconic" Warner Music Publicist Liz Rosenberg: "I call her Leg, which is short for legend." Well, I call her "WTF," which is short for "One could theoretically spent ten minutes trying to write this item up trying to convince themselves to look up some of this person's music to find out who she is and not bring themselves to. Why?" Seeing as how that just happened, it works, right? [Page Six]
Oprah's quitting and some of her celebrity friends like Ellen are sad. But oh, hey look, MORE OF THESE GODDAMN SQUARES.

[NYDN]
Ha. Sporstcaster Len Berman visited NBC for the first time since being fired in April to promote his book on Today. He ran into Barbara Corcoran, and she threw down a pretty solid diss on Len. You need to read it to get the set-up, suffice to say Page Six also took the time to find the right photo of Berman before going to press with this one. [Page Six]
Another woman was stalked by the supreme creep who stalked Erin Andrews and made those peephole videos and she had to deliver testimony via a four-page statement that was read in court. Meanwhile, I know, I know, eye-for-an-eye justice is philosophically bad, because we should be humane (or something). And we should be. But this guy should, if convicted, have to spend the rest of his life with his dick in a peephole-sized vice. Honestly? I hate people. Also, this story is kind of sort of important to read and these squares are making me very, very irascible. This is not an enjoyable experience. [NYDN]
Ed Koch had an 85th birthday. Ed Koch is old. The only thing Ed Koch could do to celebrate not being extinct was to make a bunch of shitty jokes at the expense of dead New York mayor Abe Beame. What's so funny about Beame? HE WAS A SHORT JEW HAR HAR. Not reported: when Ed Koch ceremoniously shit out a Brontosaurus Egg and gave it to Sardi's for research like he does at the end of every 85th birthday. [Page Six]
More great news delivered via the Associated Squares that make this all the easier to write about: a South Korean supermodel was very, very depressed, and hung herself. She was beautiful. Her name was Daul Kim, and she blogged about her depression before this happened. [NYDN]
Can we talk, for a second, about the best sighting the New York Post has ever published? No comment needed. This is just art. "Natalie Portman leaving the NY Public Library on Fifth Avenue smoking a cigarette and wearing Ray Bans." Okay, comment: #SWOON. Related: Who doesn't leave the NYPL like that? New York is cool. [Page Six]
Enough with the hashtags already, right? #Wrong. Go away. Anyway! Apparently Tila Tequila, she of the short-lived MTV reality dating programme A Shot At Having Your Own Unique, Obscure STD with Tila Tequila—it's like Top Gear, but they test drive different strains of herpes—apparently had some kind of freakout on her live streaming broadcast page where she stripped and spoke in tongues or something. Now she's blaming it on her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, who she tried to get convicted of domestic abuse. Shawn Merriman probably doesn't even know Tila Tequila's name anymore. Harsh, right? Kinda probably true though. [NYDN]
Nick Cannon doesn't go anywhere without Mariah Carey who is now his bodyguard. The Emancipation of Mimi apparently involves the imprisonment of Nick Cannon. Also, Ben Silverman grew a beard to distinguish himself from Ricky Van Veen, and Vanity Fair was there to get all the action. [VF]
Ha! Remember the scuzzy fuckball paps that tried to infiltrate and mess up Britney Spears' life? Yeah, well, he's going to jail for 45 days on charges associated with being a scuzzy fuckball and Brit-Brit is still fabulous. Don't call it a comeback, bitches. Mess with the gays' icons and they'll get you put in the slammer, for serious. Speaking of: when is the inevitable batshit craziness of a Lady Gagadong and Brit-Brit collab joint gonna pop off? Needs to happen. [NYDN]

Okay, well, this day's going to be nothing but strangeness, apparently. Have you ever seen someone blog with an ear infection? You're about to! I feel like I'm leaning exactly 23 degrees to the left. Here's a song, let's all get funky and just try to ride this one out, I guess. Happy Saturday!

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

The Levi Johnston Playgirl Photos Are Out [Levi's Johnston Watch]

Brian Moylan — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:06:15 -0500

Here's your first peek at the Levi Johnston photo spread that just went up on Playgirl.com [NSFW]. There's 20 photos in all and, as we said none show the whole package, so to speak. One more picture inside.

This is the first set of photos that the magazine is releasing on their website. All but six are in black and white and several show his bare bum, but none show what is in front, though he is posed in a shower obscuring his famous baby maker with a towel. It's all very classic beefcake, with a handful of shots on a Manhattan rooftop, and the rest in all wet and wild in the shower. He looks very sexy, though his body doesn't look as worked out as you might think, especially after all the hype about the time he's been spending in the gym. More pictures to come next week. We can't wait to hear what Sarah Palin has to say about this over the weekend.

The Week We Went Rogue [Week In Review]

Pareene — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:30:00 -0500

This week, everyone was naked and fighting in public and also there was a book no one read but everyone kept talking about.

A pornography company offered a famous beauty contest loser lots of money to distribute video tapes they already possess of her masturbating. Google has scooters. And hellishly lengthy weddings. Adam Lambert wants to lick your gross vagina. He will turn back into a pumpkin if he appears too gay, obv. Ivanka Trump does not like it when you point out that she and her husband are terrible businesspeople.

Goin' Rogue is a wonderful read, as long as you don't actually read it. (And please don't judge it based on its skin. Though you should judge Newsweek for cruelly taking a publicity photo Palin arranged to present herself in what she thought would be a flattering light to one audience and presenting it to a less fawning audience. It is sexist to think she looks ridiculous! Also it is sexist to be Nicole Wallace!)

January Jones is the worst. The word of the year is still "barely rewritten press release." Make sure to buy someone on your list the popular "Twilight Vampire Guy Sock Puppet." The weirdo playboy guy is maybe a front for some sort of private security firm. Everyone at AP has been laid off. Lady Gaga was on Gossip Girl. No one wants to see Naomi Watts' stupid stroller ever again! Growing up in Canada, young Graydon Carter loved nothing more than his beloved sled. And Eddie Haskell. It is still totally fun to be a dictator's son. Malibu estate! Rodeo Drive shopping sprees! Whee!

Nowadays we can't even bother to pay attention to the scripted-for-the-cameas mock fights between people we aren't sure we're supposed to know why they're famous when they happen right before our very eyes. Thank god we have our faith to guide us. Our faith that god will kill the president, because we dislike him. It's on a t-shirt and everything. Brooklyn Decker is the real-life name of a real-life human who is on tv. The Hills is apparently Apartment 3G. Michele Bachmann's still got it! You probably shouldn't advertise booze with pictures of people driving. Mississippi: still racist after all these years. Haaa McDonald's doing the McCafe thing again. (There is totally an untouched McCafe McDonald's somewhere down in Gowanus or something. Bleeding edge!)

Barry is so skinny and it worries Matt Drudge so much. Texas banned marriage, which seems fair enough. Page Six is going after this naked teenager from Alaska, for some reason. The obvious Top Chef finalists became the official Top Chef finalists. Facebook is getting sued for all the money in the world. The kids on the Glee show are still singing. Sing sing sing. I dunno. People seem to be pretty into it? Limelight is going to be a shopping mall. HAH.

People keep putting Sandra Bullock in movies!

James Franco won all the National Book Awards because he is dreamy. Oprah decided to kill the concept of daytime television. Courtney Semel is not a very nice friend. Fox News won't stop digging. Someone, somewhere, actually wrote something truthful on their YouTube profile. (It was a murderer.) Restaurant owners are dicks, especially ones who email everyone to yell at them. Don't look at Jude Law. 30 Rock was just OK last night. Thank christ this season of Project Runway is over, though.

Hope you all enjoy your Florida Honeymoon! Just don't venture too far from home, because you will end up stranded.

Just Shoe It [Pic Of The Day]

Brian Moylan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:28:34 -0500

[Parisian women give their feet a real workout today while competing in a "Race on Heels" where they must run around a 50-meter track in high heels. Image via Getty]

Kreepie Kats in: "NO ONE in Twilight _EVER_ has sex with ~Anyone~! It's like Behrle's Collyer Brothers' Homage/Apartment Every Night Since Last June!" [Kreepie Kats]

behrle — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:15:02 -0500

Jim Berhle's cartoon kitties face a bleak Oprah-less future where the only thing left on TV is European soccer and trailers for sexless vampire movies.

Hidden Forces Baffle the Twitterati [Twitterati]

Ryan Tate — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:04:47 -0500

Neel Shah got his scandal-phone returned; Kevin Marks got retweeted by ghosts and Al Yankovic was surrounded by nobodies. The Twitterati were haunted, in a good way.

Neel Shah, Page Six gossip and former Gawker and Radar-ite, was glad his phone didn't end up with the likes of his present or past employers. (He should be.)

Tech pundit and Berkeleyite Andrew Keen articulated an ideology of what might be called, if you're avoiding Rush Limbuagh-isms, "femifascism."

British Telecom's Kevin Marks hopes that's an iPhone you're discreetly working in your pocket.

Singer Weird Al Yankovic does this every time he flies.

Wired's Dylan Tweney is bookmarking your comments for future reference, haters.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

CafePress Is No Longer Officially Okay with Praying for Obama's Death [Indecision]

John Cook — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:09:38 -0500

CafePress has reversed itself for the second time and discontinued once and for all the sale of "Pray For Obama: Psalm 109:8" merchandise, which is Christian code for "pray for Obama to get killed by God."

CafePress pulled the merchandise earlier this week when people pointed out what the prayer meant, but they quickly restored the items, telling Gawker in a statement yesterday that the slogan was in line with "current public discourse and our determination of what it is fair political commentary."

They've changed their mind. The CafePress blog announced today that Psalm 109 items are banned again:

Last night we posted a poll on our blog, read through the emails we've received and weighed the nature of the calls we've received on the topic. In the process we also learned that many of the original designers of the Psalm 109:8 designs had already decided to remove them on their own.

General consensus has proven that the design does point to a broader interpretation of the Psalm and thus has been deemed inappropriate for sale at CafePress.

Psalm 109 is a "Cry For Vengeance." Verse 8 reads: "Let his days be few; and let another take his office"; it goes on to ask God to kill the supplicant's enemy and make beggars of his children. So some sneaky Christians thought it would be funny to sell T-shirts bearing the slogan at CafePress, because Godless liberals wouldn't know that it was really a prayer for God to kill Barack Obama for being Muslim.

The online poll's respondents found the slogan "overly inflammatory and inappropriate," 76% to 22%.

[Via Politico.]

Milkshakes With Radicals [Culture Wars]

Pareene — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:48:52 -0500

Islamic extremists with posh British accents sound so reasonable! Sharia law? Sure, you know best!

The Fallacy Behind Efforts to Save 'Public Service Journalism' [Print Is Dead]

John Cook — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:38:32 -0500

Newspapers are dying, which means there will never be any more investigative journalism and politicians will screw whomever they want. But it's OK, because "innovative" new "partnerships" like the Chicago News Cooperative are here to produce real journalism.

The lofty rhetoric surrounding the launch of outfits like the CNC, a MacArthur Foundation-funded news organization run by former Chicago Tribune staffers, is based on the notion that genuine public-service journalism—the expensive boring stuff that results in legislation—is at risk as for-profit newspapers crater. In the words of CNC founder and former Trib editor Jim O'Shea:

At a time of declining resources in newsrooms across the nation, journalists must adapt to new technologies and devise some creative, innovative ways to fulfill our obligations so we can hold our government accountable to citizens and restore to our journalism the standards desperately needed in these troubled times.

Newspapers can't afford to live up to those obligations anymore, so nonprofit-funded outlets like the CNC need to step into the gap. So what sort of hard-hitting "accountability journalism" can we expect from these new creatures? The CNC has contracted with the New York Times to produce an insert for the paper's Chicago editions purporting to bring Chicago readers the sort of shoe-leather that the bankrupt Chicago Tribune can't afford to produce anymore. It debuted today, so lets have a look.

The lead story, by former Trib reporter Dan Mihalopoulos, is precisely in line with what news alarmists say will be missing if and when we lose newspapers: Internal documents from the company that the city of Chicago sold its parking meter business to last year show that it is making boatloads of money, and that the city would have done better just to keep the meters for itself. Bravo!

Now for the rest:

A trip to the Art Institute of Chicago, where we learn that "young people (under 30) tend to enjoy modern art."
A 195-word story about a stay-at-home dad who tried to join a play-group for his infant son, but couldn't because it was for moms only.
A 156-word story about the Chicago Bulls' "circus trip," an annual tour that the item doesn't really explain but has something to do with Ringling Bros. and the Bulls losing. Here's a Sun-Times blog entry on the matter, published two days ago.
A column from Jim Warren wherein he visits a food pantry.

Some of this is perfectly useful, but is it going to save journalism? Does a recitation of the Bulls' woes count as holding "our government accountable to citizens"? Is the MacArthur Foundation fulfilling its mission of creating a "more just, verdant, and peaceful world" by subsidizing stories about dads getting barred from mommies' groups? Is this what all the fuss is about?

The problem is that yes, newspapers underwrite important, expensive journalism that in many cases falls through the cracks in the pageview-obsessed, run-and-gun environment of online publishing. But that's perhaps five percent of what the average paper does. Maybe ten or fifteen. But it's a fraction. The rest of it is rewriting press releases, spouting opinions, reviewing things, and telling people what's on television and when—things the internet is exceptionally good at. CNC has loudly proclaimed that it is going to take up the slack and "restore" journalism's "true values," but, to judge by its first outing, all it's doing is creating a mini-newspaper—one solid story surrounded by a bunch of fluff that you could get anywhere. That's not to say that there's anything wrong with fluff, it's just that no one is raising alarms about the lack of quality writing about art museums and sports and opinions about poor people as newspapers decline.

If the idea of nonprofit journalism and innovative ways of paying for and distributing important reporting is going to succeed, it's going to have to actually produce important reporting. And if former newspapermen are going to lay claim to journalism's future by launching projects aimed at restoring its values, they ought to come up with something better than one good muni story.

UPDATE: Jim Schachter, editor of digital initiatives for the Times, writes in to make a good point that we hadn't considered—the Times asked CNC to provide a mix of serious and fluffy stories. So it was the Times, and not CNC, that wanted the mini-newspaper. We still don't understand why the MacArthur Foundation has to step in to help pay for the fluff the Times is asking for, or where that fluff fits into the CNC's journalism-saving rhetoric. But good point nonetheless:

Perhaps your dart is a bit misaimed. We asked the Chicago News Cooperative to give us a mix of content, because we're trying to come up with a formula for adding local news to The Times that prompts people to keep their subscriptions or start one if they're not buying our paper now. The tough story at the center of today's report, about the parking meter deal, is representative of what CNC means to be about. And, to be fair, so is Jim Warren's humane and pointed column.

I'm expecting to see a lot more afflicting of the comfortable and comforting of the afflicted from Jim O'Shea and his crew over the coming months.

Horrible Restaurant Owner's Charm Offensive Includes Screaming at Us [We Get Phone Calls]

Gabriel Snyder — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:31:35 -0500

To make the point that he is not the asshole that his Glengarry Glenn Ross-ish email made him sound like ("you bunch of fucking children"), restaurant owner Vadim Ponorovsky called to scream at us.

After we posted the email tirade that Vadim sent the waitstaff at Paradou (for failing to collect enough customer email addresses), he has been complaining loudly to New York food blogs like Grub Street and Eater and to weekend editor Foster Kamer at his dayjob at Blackbook. His main complaint to us was that he's now at the receiving end of the kind of vitriol that it sounds like he dishes out regularly to his employees. And while he regrets calling his staff "fucking lazy motherfuckers," he stands by the rest of his email as entirely within his rights as a boss. Let's take a look at some of that:

Youre probably sitting there saying "How dare he speak to me like this. How dare he not have respect for me". Youre right there also. I have absolutely no respect for any of you. Why? Because every fucking day, all of you continue to show that you have absolutely no respect for me or Alex. So if you dont respect us enough to do the little that we ask you to do, then GET THE FUCK OUT YOU FUCKING LAZY DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLES!!!!!

Anyway, in the snippet of my phone call with Vadim that you can listen to above, he argues that it wasn't fair that we didn't call him up before posting his email and first listen to him explain what a great boss he is. It doesn't include the part of our half-hour chat where he compared us to Hitler and warned Ravi Somaiya, one of our new night editors, "to keep an eye over his shoulder." Add: Just for the record, Ravi did email him asking for comment and never heard back.

That said, even if Vadim's a nightmare to work for, it's no reason for folks to call up the restaurant making death threats (his wife answers the phone, apparently).

We offered to post verbatim whatever Vadim writes up. He said he'll work on it over the weekend.

Update, 7:45pm Vadim emails and, as promised, here it is in its entirety:

The Truth About Zoos: Poop. (And Pee) [Advertising]

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:21:13 -0500

From Rhett & Link, the guys who brought you the ad that all ads should probably be like, comes this new spot for the Central Florida Zoo. Their relentless honesty requires it to focus totally on excrement. [Adfreak]

What Is Going on with Tinsley Mortimer's Love Life? [Mortified]

Brian Moylan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:07:48 -0500

The Tinz just wrapped shooting for her reality show and it looks like her showmance, Prince Casimir Wittgenstein-Sayn, has gotten the boot for a new beau. Who's the lucky guy? Former American Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis. What?!

Maroulis is currently starring in hair band jukebox musical Rock of Ages on Broadway. Tinsley went to see the show last night, and a tipster sent pictures of her and the star looking like they're about to kiss to Guest of a Guest. ConstanTinz were first spotted togetherlast week hanging out at Touch, a midtown club not far from the Rock of Ages theater. Tinsley had her camera crew in tow, so maybe they were catching this auspicious meeting for a suitable end to the first season or a great start to the second one. Now that the cameras are gone and they're still hanging out does this mean it's real love? Oh, Tinsley. Tell us it's not so! It's been a downward spiral ever since breaking with Topper. Next thing you know, she's going to be running around town with Levi Johnston. Oh, too late.

Nikki Finke's Cut-and-Paste Method [How Things Work]

John Cook — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:39:49 -0500

Nikki Finke OWNS the Oprah Winfrey story. She broke the news that Winfrey would leave the show three weeks ago. And she got the transcript of Oprah's announcement up on her site bright and early this morning. By stealing it.

Finke posted embedded video of a small portion of Winfrey's remarks at 9:45 a.m. California time, roughly an hour and forty-five minutes after Winfrey announced on her show that she was calling it quits after next season. She also posted a much fuller transcript of Winfrey's speech. Winfrey's show doesn't air until 3 p.m. in Los Angeles, so where did she get it?

From the Chicago Tribune, which posted the transcript at 10:19 a.m. Central time, or just 20 minutes after Winfrey's announcement. How do we know? Because, a tipster points out, the transcript Finke posted features the same bracketed commentary—"[Her voice grows thick with emotion]"—and typographical irregularities, like double quotes within double quotes. Finke didn't cite the Tribune or—more important—link back to the paper's Watcher blog, which actually did the transcribing. She just copied and pasted without attribution.

Of course, Winfrey's words aren't proprietary to the Tribune. She said them on television. But someone actually did sit down and replayed the speech over and over while actually typing out what Winfrey said. A link wouldn't kill you, Nikki.

Saturday Update: Finke has emailed to explain that she had no idea where the transcript came from before she posted it on her blog, which she says is a somewhat regular occurence. And somewhat bizarrely she accused the Tribune's Watcher blog of lifting it from some other source. She has still not given The Watcher a credit or link. Here is her email:

I actually wound up receiving it several times in my email from a bunch of different emailers. (Again, how do we know it was ONLY the Tribune's?) I did my best to authenticate it. Yes, every so often I get something from another publication sent to me without any labeling. And when I put it up, the writer or company tells me and I credit them unless they want me to take it down. Happens most often with photos.
But I actually credit a LOT (whereas Variety and the LA Times rarely do...)
This was really a cheap shot by John.

Albany Foodie World Is All About Punching [Albany]

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:35:07 -0500

Steve Barnes (pictured), the Albany restaurant critic who was assaulted by a professional mixed martial arts fighter last year (probably) because of something he wrote, reports today: Albany restaurateurs are going to punch each other.

John DeJohn, who owns four Albany eateries including the new Pearl Street Pub, and Joe Schaefer, co-owner of Savannah's, located two blocks from the pub, are scheduled for a three-round boxing match...
"I'm going there not just to win but to take out a lot of rage and aggression I have toward certain people," says Schaefer

Also maybe a good night for Steve Barnes to look for a suspect in his beating: an Albany restaurateur with a violent streak.

Obama Joins Truman, Reagan, and Clinton In "Immediately Failed Presidencies" Club [Polls]

Pareene — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:31:45 -0500

It is a good thing the American Constitution calls for instant run-off presidential elections the minute the "winner" dips below 50% approval, or else we would be stuck with the most unpopular president in American history for years to come.

Thankfully Sarah Palin may now take her rightful place as America's "Commanderin' Chief" because Barack Obama is polling at 49% in the daily Gallup tracking poll. As Gallup notes, this is an unprecedentedly fast drop in presidential approval, not counting the three post-war presidents who dropped below 50% faster than him (Reagan, Ford, Clinton) and the one who also dropped below 50% after 11 months in office (Truman).

One of the fastest and most effective ways for any president to boost his approval rating (besides starting a war or botching his response to a terror attack) is to score a major legislative victory. So, with "centrist" and Blue Dog democrats spooked that Obama's low numbers will negatively affect their own reelection bids, look for them to attempt to obstruct and delay any legislation the president champions, in order to drag down everyone's numbers even further in the hopes that eventually elections will just be "called off."

The primary reason for the president's declining approval is, of course, the economy. Specifically jobs. Americans know an economic "recovery" without jobs is no recovery at all, so, once again, look for Blue Dogs and centrists to become incredibly terrified of the idea of spending any further government money on jobs programs of any kind, as we all know that's why FDR was a one-term president, because of his socialism, and how much it made Americans hate him. Jobless Americans are much, much more concerned with the abstract concept of "fiscal responsibility" than they are with material concerns like health care, regular employment, and "having enough money to feed themselves."

Gothic Girl [Open Caption]

Brian Moylan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:23:01 -0500

[Taylor Momsen predictably wore black (but an unpredictably long skirt) at the The Cinema Society screening of The Twilight Saga: New Moon in New York last night. Image via Getty]

Everything You Need to Know in Order to Watch James Franco on General Hospital [Hospital Visit]

Brian Moylan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:43:58 -0500

Quick, get to a TV! General Hospital starts at 3pm and you don't want to miss a minute of Hollywood A-lister James Franco's historic role on the show. Here's a little bit of context so you won't be totally lost.

On the ABC soap, Franco plays Franco (how meta!) an artist who has come to the fictional town of Port Charles, New York, where the show takes place, for a gallery exhibit. For an upstate town that no one has ever heard of, Port Charles is pretty cosmopolitan. Not only is there the hospital of the title, but they have their own university and art galleries. They are also overrun with gang violence and really, really sexy mobsters.

Somehow, Franco got photos of the dead body of Claudia Corinthos, ex-wife of mob boss Sonny Corinthos (pictured here), and is using the pictures to blackmail his enforcer, Jason Morgan. See, Claudia was involved in the shooting of Michael, Sonny's son. When Sonny found out, he shamed her in front of the whole town. She went crazy and took pregnant lady Carly (also Sonny's ex-wife) hostage. When trying to escape, Carly got free and went into the woods and had her baby in a cabin. Claudia found her and the baby, but before she could do anything, Michael showed up and killed her.

Following this? Good. So, Michael calls Jason (pictured here), who is also Carly's best friend, and he shows up and burns the cabin and hides the body trying to cover up the murder.

Also, Franco might have some role in the ongoing feud between Sonny and Jason and fellow mob boss Joey Limbo. After a meeting between the two parties there is a shoot out that Franco witnesses. What will Franco do with the information? Will he expose the murder? Will Franco bring the mob to an end? And who is the sexy lady that is getting it on with Franco? Will we all love James Franco even more for doing this? Tune in to find out. Dun-dun-dun!

[Image via Getty]

Peanut Butter and Jelly Is the Body and Blood of Union-Busting Jesus [Recessionomics]

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:43:25 -0500

The Way We Live Now: Same as ever. Hard times have been around for years now! But nobody was paying attention. The Christians were fighting unions and the yuppies were building dream homes and everyone else? Peanut butter jelly time.

Way back in 2005, when the liberal media would have had you believe that everything was economically hunky-dory, a fifth of Americans couldn't even pay for their basic needs like food, clothing, shelter, and "sizzlin'" fajita platters. But all you heard about in the news was "Alan Greenspan is so sexy" and "Let's invest in private equity" and "How to make money from dead Iraqis."

So what changed? Very little materially, since all the "wealth" of 2005 turns out to have been imaginary. Since this recession hit, our nation is buckling down and concentrating on what's really important: our spiritual needs. For those of the Christian faith, that means taking time to celebrate things like being with your family and fighting relentless culture wars against gays and women. And unions! Christians are now vociferously against unions, too! Jesus was not in the Gay Abortion Union.

Should America be?

It's a question each citizen must answer for himself here in America, a nation of God. We're not a land like North Korea, where our own heathen diplomats smuggle cigarettes from abroad in a desperate bid to raise enough money in the black market to avoid eating grass soup for yet another month. We're better than that. American may have given up on building their dream home, but we haven't given up on something far more significant: J.M. Smucker Co. The latest profits are through the fucking roof.

We Americans just cannot get enough of that good Folgers coffee, Jif peanut butter, and Smucker jelly. It is peanut butter jelly time. In America. Now. And forever.
[Pic via]

New York City Just Gives Up on Subway Service [Rants]

Pareene — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:17:55 -0500

Did you hear the great news? The MTA will not raise fares! Or cut service! Wonderful! Except none of the headlines say "for just one year." Or "not counting the existing fare increase and de facto service cuts."

The new $11 billion operating budget is actually just an ominous warning that in a year—or maybe a few months—the Transit Authority will once again cite the need to hike fares in order to strong arm Albany in finding a newer, more regressive way of funding operating costs.

They have basically promised it already:

In addition to the 2010 budget, the MTA released a four-year fiscal plan. It envisions 7.5% fare and toll hikes in 2011 and 2013 as the agency tries to establish a pattern of regular inflation-based increases.

There is really not so much inflation right now, in America, is there? (But who knows what the future holds!)

But, yes, it is insane that our mass transit is operated by a rotating cast of idiot millionaires with free E-Zpasses for life (and beyond!) beholden to absolutely no one, at all, operating with two sets of books, and yet we have to actually sympathize with them because the people who profit from the way an efficient mass transit system allows for the mobility of cheap labor don't think they should be forced to pony up any money to keep transit affordable. Fares are simply taxes—incredibly regressive taxes, just like the sales taxes that New York City residents suffer to fund our own transit while suburban New Yorkers bitch about the prospect of being charged to clog our streets with their cars, and Jersey dicks bemoan the tolls they have to pay to enter the city where they make all of their money while contributing nothing back.

Meanwhile, though, the MTA lies, about everything, all the time. They are saving just enough of the money from the emergency bailout earlier this year to allow them to not threaten to raise fares again for one (1) year (while fighting transit workers' promised wage increase in court). And thanks to that bailout, we only had to endure a slight fare increase with no service cuts! Except that not a single goddamn line is running on schedule anymore, ever, and that's been the case all year and it only gets worse every week.

Track and signal work must be up 1000% across the board, because there's hardly a line that isn't out of commission on the conveniently poorer or less utilizied portions of the routes these days. The F just gives up at Jay St now. The service advisories, when they are actually correctly posted, which is rarely, grow longer every weekend. If you live outside Manhattan, you better catch a train home before 11 pm, because otherwise who the fuck knows when a train will show up and where it will actually take you. Lord only knows what the hell the G train was doing last weekend, and why. Everyone, anecdotally, has noticed this. But no one has just straight-up said that these are the across the board service cuts that they promised they wouldn't need to institute once we saved them from disaster a few months ago.

It is time, now, immediately, to do a few things:

To end the insane federal transit funding system that a) overfunds highways and b) dispenses capital project money for urban mass transit systems but forbids any federal spending on operating costs for cities of more than 200,000 people. The Reagan administration slashed mass transit funding, of course, but it was Mr. Bill Clinton who eliminated operating assistance altogether. Do you want to know about how much highway funding has increased over the same period of time? No, you don't. Real estate taxes and fares are not the proper way to fund the nation's largest subway system, especially when we will earmark federal cash for the Robert Byrd Memorial Frontage Road to the Erma Ora Byrd Conference and Learning Center and Community Swimming Pool.
To destroy the MTA. The public authorities reform bill that just passed the Assembly is a wonderful start! But the entire board needs to be dissolved and replaced with, you know, actual subway riders, elitist technocrat transit wonks, and people with experience in government management and accounting. Civil servants, in other words.
Everyone in Albany should be tarred and feathered. This is an important part of our prescription for any local problem.
Also fuck Bloomberg.

Anyway! No fare increases until January 1, 2011! And some day—maybe in like 2015, when you ride the robot-operated Second Avenue line to your favorite soup kitchen—there may be those little signs that tell you when the next train is coming! This "install little signs" project is only a zillion dollars over budget (so far!).

Four Ways Listicles Make Us Immortal, According to Umberto Eco [Journalismism]

Ryan Tate — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:48:06 -0500

Italian novelist Umberto Eco, the go-to intellectual for journalists worldwide, has deconstructed the human obsession with all things listy. The bottom line for editors: Your listicles help readers brush off a terrifying universe of infinite chaos.

In this manner, the listicle is not a depressing instance of pandering but a nourishing expression of a natural and elemental part of human culture. Or at least that's what you can put on your Maggies entry. Here's how Eco (pictured) put it in Der Spiegel:

The list is the origin of culture... What does culture want? To make infinity comprehensible. It also wants to create order — not always, but often. And how, as a human being, does one face infinity? How does one attempt to grasp the incomprehensible? Through lists, through catalogs, through collections in museums and through encyclopedias and dictionaries.

Making "infinity comprehensible" means, basically, facing up to our own mortality:

We have a limit, a very discouraging, humiliating limit: death. That's why we like all the things that we assume have no limits and, therefore, no end. It's a way of escaping thoughts about death. We like lists because we don't want to die.

This is why lists have been popular from "primitive cultures" to the Middle Ages to the Renaissance, Baroque and postmodern periods.

So, to summarize:

Lists connect us with our ancestors.
Lists connect us with culture.
Lists make infinity comprehensible.
Lists help us ignore death.
Buy cranberries.
Order turkey.
Take out the garbage.

Sorry, got ~~immortal~~distracted there for a second.

Project Runway : Fashion Weak [Recaps]

Brian Moylan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:39:28 -0500

Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to ask three designers to compete for a prize. The delusion their entries will look different. The vision to return January 14th, the delusion your audience will come back.

That's right, last night during the disastrous season six finale, Lifetime announced that season seven will debut on the network the second week in January. It's a good thing too, because after this awful, rushed season, both Lifetime and Bunim/Murray, who produces the show, need to show that they can make a good season. Maybe season six was like the muslin version of a gown that a couturier makes so she can figure out what she's doing and next season will be the finished red-carpet ready product. Let's hope.

So, onto last night's finale. Irina, Althea, and Carol Hannah all showed their 13-look collections in Bryant Park during fashion week (way back in February). We actually found some things to love about it, but first:

Things We Hate:

Crying: Everyone cried. Althea cried, Carol Hannah cried, Irina cried, Irina's parents cried, Tim Gunn cried into his handkerchief backstage that he still has three seasons left on his contract. Everyone cried except Cry-stopher, which was strange. We love drama, but all this excessive crying just makes us want to, well, weep.
The Other Designers: We didn't even like Logan, Cry-stopher, and Gordana before they were kicked off, and we don't want to see them around again. They really had nothing to add. If the producers wanted to do something interesting, they would have brought back the first three designers kicked off. They all sucked! Imagine weeping Carol Hannah having to deal with Malvin of egg dress fame. Awesome.
Cry-stopher's Eyebrows: While we're at it, let's talk about Cry-stopher some more, because his eyebrows were so drawn on, he looked like a third-rate drag queen doing an impersonation of Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford, but without the camp. And why, for fuck's sake, didn't he go to the L'Oreal Paris Make Up room to have them at least draw them on symmetrically.
Fake Introductions: We all know that the final collections were filmed back in February when the show was still embroiled in about 23 different lawsuits and they were trying to keep production details a big secret. All the press accounts of the runway show mention that the designers made no appearances at all. So, what was up with the fake introductions they each gave their collection? Did they assemble a faux audience and recreate the set and film the introductions then? Or did they do it later that day, but with a cast of extras instead of the general public and a bunch of media types? And did they think that we wouldn't notice?
Irina Invented the Smokey Eye: It really irked us when Irina accused Althea of stealing her makeup scheme for the final show. As if she just heard what Irina wanted and copied her. Oh, because smudged makeup has never been done before ever in the history of fashion or the world. You made it up, Irina! We know you think otherwise, but you are not original. You didn't invent any of the ideas you have accused Althea of stealing. And all of fashion, like most other art, is about stealing and reappropriating anyway. And this coming from a girl who stole T-shirt designs—twice!
Heidi's Pink Outfit: It wasn't as horrible as the pink ruffle shirt and sparkly biker shorts she wore earlier in the season, but it looks—as Ms. Kors would say—very mother of the bride. Actually we think Endora wore it to a wedding once on Bewitched.
No Celebrities: We've said this before, but part of the move to L.A. was supposed to be about getting great celebs as guests and judges. Who do they get for the finale? Suzy Menkes! Who? Exactly. Suzy is great and all (see below), but in the past we had Parker Posey, Debra Messing, Posh Spice, people who have great style and a little bit of pizazz. Suzy has the cred and would have been a great replacement for one of the two frequent absentee judges this season, but she is no finale judge. And if you're going to have another horrible year in L.A., then we want to see some serious star wattage!
Cohesion: Making a collection of clothes that has cohesion is kind of like creating a concept album—the only people who care about it are industry types. It's not like there are women marching around who buy entire collections or want all their clothes for a season to look like they "tell a story." When everyone is downloading singles, who cares how all the songs sound together on an album? "Cohesion" is some bullshit that the fashion industrial complex cooked up and holds designers to when no one else really cares about it. The only time it looks good is in the 20 minutes when everything walks down the runway.
No Color: Would it have killed you guys to do something other than shades of drab? Your collections all looked about as washed out as Tim Gunn after three weeks of swine flu!
Nothing Stands Out: After watching the finale last night, I was thinking about the ghosts of finales of seasons past. Remember Jay McCarroll's multicolored tier tatter dress, Chloe Dao's sculpted satin gem-tone sheath, Daniel V's brown dress with the little embellished flap on the boobs, Santino Rice's babydolls with the breasts flying about, Laura Bennet's glamorous bedazzling, Michael Knight's mess of an urban collection, Christian Siriano's brown and white ruffled ball, Chris March's dresses made of human hair, Jillian Lewis' knits with the poodle tail sleeves, Kenley Collin's retro gowns, and Leanne Marshall's waves? Remember those? I can recall each of those collections distinctly from memory. I couldn't even describe one thing I saw last night other than Irina's stupid hats and Carol Hannah's lilac buttplug dress. That makes me sad.

Things We Loved:

Tim Gunn Freaking Out: Finally, all the stress of the shitty season got to Grampa Gunn and he snapped. Brilliant. More about it in the videos.
Jaslene!: Our favorite moment of every television year is when there is complete trashy fashion reality show synergy and contestants from America's Next Top Model strut the runway on Project Runway. The only one we noticed last night was the Cha-Cha Diva herself (and one of our favorite Top Models ever) Jaslene Gonzalez. One is more than enough.
Suzy Menkes: Now we feel a little bad for picking on Suzy Menkes, the legendary fashion journalist and International Herald Tribune fashion editor. It wasn't fair to not tell us who she is and put her in front of the camera with There's Something About Mary hair and a sparkly gold coat. Of course we were going to crack jokes. We know she is a great writer and deserves all of our respect, but had no clue what she looked like. It's not fair to put her out like that without an id. Don't do that to poor Suzy Menkes. Make her look good.
Ari Fish's Look: Remember Ari? She was the first one kicked off this season. While Nicolas was at the runway show looking like Pudgy Kurt Cobain as always and Shirina was wearing some gypsy costume from last Halloween, Ari had totally reinvented herself. She looked like a cross between Isabella Blow and Boy George playing Leigh Bowery in Taboo. Genius!
Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine Hate's Irina's Collection: Did you see the stink eye that NGFDMCM gave Irina on the runway last night? When she saw that everything was black she said, "We talked about that," like she was the disappointed mother of a daughter who keeps wetting the bed. Then she told Irina that black never gets any editorial coverage. Looks like someone's spread in Marie Claire magazine will be begrudging.
Lifetime's Commercials: Lady vitamins, pregnancy tests, fat Carrie Fisher, the horrible Georgia O'Keefe Paints Vagina Flowers Lifetime movie promos, cleaning products, tampons—this is what we had to endure being hawked during the commercial breaks, and it provided some wonderfully easy targets. Thanks Lifetime. Also, you made up for it with the trailer for The 12 Men of Christmas. Kristen Chenoweth starring in a movie about making a naked calendar with hot guys? Oh yes, my gay ass will be tuning in, without any irony and a big fat smile on my face.
Michael Kors Says "Bravo Guys": Was it an intentional dig at Lifetime by bringing up the show's old network? We don't think so, but it was a perfect bitchy end to this horrible season.

So, in the end, as we accuately predicted Irina won for her crappy black collection with ugly hats. Rather than talk about the clothes, go watch the full collections in the videos. How quickly can we forget that this season ever happened? We hope it's sometime around Sunday afternoon, because we want to get back to loving Runway.

For the last time until 2010, let's sashay and chanter our way to the videos.

Meltdown of the Week
Context: Carol Hannah is sick and trying to finish her collection and snaps under the pressure. Thankfully Cry-stopher is there for a shoulder to cry on.
Vision: That she's not going to make it through, and that Cry-stopher and his eyebrows can help her.
Delusion: Of course she'll make it. She's a can-do kid. This was the one moment of real emotion we felt all season. She may not be the greatest designer, but this is a highlight of her young life, and to have it ruined by circumstances beyond her control really sucks. We're glad she made it work.
What Would Nina Say: "Get it togther!"
Dramometer: 10

Under the Gunn
Context: All the girls are late getting their models ready and Grampa Gunn freaks out. He does it in the same way that our high school Latin teacher, Sister Nicotena of the Holy Smoke, used to, where she barely raises her voice, but manages to shame everyone into submission and make them feel like 20,000 monkeys just took a shit on their heads.
Vision: That he can get these looks ready for the runway.
Delusion: The only way to make any of these models acceptable is if Gunn goes back and redesigns every collection himself.
What Would Nina Say: "You should have screamed louder."
Dramometer: 8

Althea's Collection
Context: Here is the finished product.
Vision: The future.
Delusion: There is nothing futuristic about any of these pieces. In fact, you can buy most of them right now at Express—on the sale rack.
What Would Nina Say: "I would put that suit in my magazine. But you won't let me, because you chose another winner."
Dramometer: 0

Carol Hannah's Collection
Context: Here are here 12 disparate looks. A couple of them we actually like.
Vision: Making a bunch of really great clothes, even if they are disconnected, will win the prize. Also, lilac buttplugs.
Delusion: That these fashion types don't care about "cohesion."
What Would Nina Say: "Can we take another look at Althea's?"
Dramometer: 0

Irina Won for This
Context: The most original collection ever on the face of the earth.
Vision: Black, black, black, brown, more black, and hats. It's like armor!
Delusion: The only thing we have to guard against is our eyes ever seeing something like this ever again.
What Would Nina Say: "All black will get no editorial coverage, even though my magazine is contractually obligated to cover it."
Dramometer: 0

German Newspaper Feud Gets Penis-y [Media Crack]

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:32:32 -0500

In your ferocious Friday media column: Newspaper wars in Germany are of another breed, another high school paper censored for dumb reasons, more on the BusinessWeek layoffs, and George Stephanopoulos' fluff chops questioned.

A "long-standing editorial feud" between a left-wing German paper and the right-wing paper Bild has culminated in the left-wing paper commissioning a huge artwork on the side of a building showing "Bild boss Kai Diekmann spreading his legs as his mighty manhood stretches across five storeys before the tip turns into a rearing cobra." If this isn't an idea that would suit Col Allan, we don't know what is. [Sexxxy pics]

A high school paper outside of Chicago wanted to publish some stories about students smokin and drinkin' and makin' babies, so the school spiked the issue, and now it's national news. The takeaway here is that the only thing dumber than school papers (I served on two!) is the reaction of school administrators to school papers.

Chris Roush has the latest updates on who's staying and who's going at BusinessWeek.

TVNewser says that Good Morning America staffers are wondering whether potential new GMA host George Stephanopoulos has the morning chops to pull of the big fluff interviews that would go along with job. Or will he be worried that it will undermine his fancy (alleged) "credibility" on his Sunday show? Let's be honest: With that hair, George Stephanopoulos was made for fluff. Also he is not a "journalist," so who cares?

Oprah to Fans: I'm Quitting My Show Because My Bones Told Me To [Resignations]

John Cook — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:53:12 -0500

Here's a clip from Oprah Winfrey's on-air announcement that she's putting the Oprah Winfrey Show out to pasture: "Why walk away, and make next season the last? Here is the real reason: [T]wenty-five years feels right in my bones."

Microsoft Let NSA Spooks 'Enhance' Windows 7 [Conspiracies]

Ryan Tate — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:47:47 -0500

A National Security Agency director just bragged to a Senate subcommittee about his agency's close "cooperation" with Microsoft to, err, "enhance" how Windows 7 guards a user's privacy. Doesn't that just make you feel all warm and fuzzy?

The spooks at the NSA are, of course, notorious for their role monitoring internet activity, and for their use of warantless wiretaps to monitor U.S. phones, often illegally. So computer users could easily be worried to hear that the NSA has "partnerships" with Microsoft, which makes their operating systems; Intel, which makes their wireless chipsets; and McAfee, which makes their antivirus software (so-called!).

From NSA Information Assurance Director Richard Shaeffer's testimony to the Senate Judiciary's Subcommittee on Terrorism and Homeland Security:

Working in partnership with Microsoft and elements of the Department of Defense, NSA leveraged our unique expertise and operational knowledge of system threats and vulnerabilities to engance Microsoft's operating system security guide without constraining the user's ability to perform their everyday tasks... All this was done in coordination with the product release, not months or years later during the product's lifecycle.

Shaeffer also talked about his agency's "trusting relationship" with the private sector, including a "partnership" with Intel and McAffee to promote a security protocol — or should we say, "security" protocol? — from the federal government.

These IT companies all want to do business with the government, so it's to their advantage to be seen as cooperative in implementing federal protocols in their products. But should consumers distrust these ties? The general consensus among private-sector security experts canvassed by ComputerWorld was, in the words of one, "I can't imagine NSA and Microsoft would do anything deliberate because the repercussions would be enormous if they got caught."

Right, because if there's anything that clearly motivates these two massive organizations with virtually guaranteed near-term revenue streams, it's fear of public shame. This is why we have not seen either entity doing anything embarrassing, recently.

(Pic: Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, by Getty Images.)

Regretsy Book to Be Not Quite as Good as Regretsy.com [Book Deals]

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:28:29 -0500

The heretofore anonymous founder of Regretsy, the blog that appropriately mocks your dumb arts-and-crafts projects, has been outed. Because she got a book deal! New blog-to-book trend: Saying right up front the book will be more paltry than the blog.

Speakeasy reports that the Regretsy mastermind is April Winchell, well-known comedic human. Notably, her new book publishers admit:

"We're not going to use everything from the Web site," said Jill Schwartzman, the purchasing editor at Random House. "The ones we're going to pick are the ones that work for a book-reading audience."

So read everything on Regretsy.com for free, or buy the book and read less, for a fee. Just mail April Winchell a check and continue to read her website!

Twitter Transforms Chuck Todd and Howard Kurtz into Idiots [You Don't Say]

John Cook — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:19:38 -0500

It's Obvious Day on Twitter: NBCer Chuck Todd wonders why Barack Obama can't secure the political support of the man he defeated in the 2008 election, and the Washington Post's Howard Kurtz predicts that Oprah Winfrey may go to cable.

Balloon Juice's John Cole needs to stop reading Twitter—as do we all—because he finds things like this there:

Now that's a story. If Obama has lost the backing of the man who spent a full year and $346 million trying to prevent him from becoming president, then how can he govern?

And this:

It's an intriguing theory. We're skeptical, but since Kurtz is paid considerable sums by the Post and CNN for his deep knowledge and impeccable instincts when it comes to analyzing the media business, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Rehabilitation Complete [Crime]

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:58:29 -0500

Breaking: The Hipster Grifter is free. Oh boy.

The NBC-Bashing Jokes of 30 Rock : Green Week Is a Stupid Idea [30 Rocks]

Brian Moylan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:41:19 -0500

The jokes at NBC's expense weren't very insidery this week, but as usual 30 Rock spent half the episode dissing their home network. Here's what happens when you make Tina & Co. play along with your dumb corporate green initiative.

There's backlash of course. This week programs across the network are creating stories that deal with environmental issues. Sure, the show complied (unplug your chargers and change your lightbulbs—servicey!), but not without biting the hand that feeds it.

First, Jack and Kenneth make fun of this silly little program. Sure, it reads as making fun of people who don't believe in global warming, but the show could have just made the directive to cut carbon emissions from GE headquarters instead of going the meta route and having a show about how NBC is making shows talk about environmental stuff.

When Kenneth goes into Jenna's dressing room to make her unplug her chargers, he comes armed with a silly pamphlet the network has put out. It features a quote from an actress who is barely known from a show that is barely on the air and with a bun that barely makes any sense. What a way to make fun of corporate propaganda.

Aside from Friday Night Lights we saw lots of making fun of other NBC shows last night, also getting hit were Heroes and The Cosby Show. At least the network is a good enough sport to give them clearance to dog on their shows.

And while we're at it, another observation: When did 30 Rock get so gay? Between Jenna's gaggle of gays, the funny gays in line at the Hugh Jackman event, and Liz's gay cop roommate this season has been mighty queer. It's like Cheyenne Jackson demanded the up they gay quotient by 15% before he would sign his contract.

Ok, now on to the final burn.

Feeling Better About Fare Increases [Propaganda]

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:32:43 -0500

The MTA is cheering up New Yorkers by printing the word "optimism" on millions of Metrocards. *NOTE: "Optimism" should not be interpreted as applying to the state of the New York City transportation system itself. [NYT. Pic via]

South Brooklyn's Supreme Court Justice [Sonia Sotomayor]

Pareene — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:28:33 -0500

Stalked: Sonia Sotomayor at Po on Smith Street. Someone spot her at Bar Great Harry!