Gay Banker

Email from a gay guy who didn't believe in love at first sight

2012-04-29T13:43:00.000+01:00

Last December I exchanged emails with a reader that who had developed a crush on a guy who he'd seen at his gym. Although that's quite a long time ago, as I said last month, by then I had started sending readers immediate responses to any such requests for advice.

The emails leave you in no doubt that the reader really does have an intense crush on the guy in question. The first email was as follows:

Dear GB,

Apologies in advance for the novel I'm about to write. I've been following your blog for some time now and I would like to know your opinion/advice.

I'm a 33 year old professional guy working in the City, down to earth, not entirely bad looking with a reasonably successful career. I can certainly hold a conversation and most people find me quite funny with a good sense of humour. However, I came out very late and am still not 100% confident approaching other guys and asking them out for drinks, etc. which is especially true for guys that I find attractive. I'm also not sure if I understand the signals correctly that other guys may be sending my way. I have no problem whatsoever arranging a personal meet/drinks/date with guys through online dating sites such gaydar, etc. but in real life I find it incredibly difficult to make the first move.

I'm a member of a gym in the City, and there is a guy in my gym that I've had an incredibly strong and completely irrational crush on. Don't take me wrong. This is not just another crush. This is a major crush that consumes me entirely. When I first noticed him in the locker room in mid-September I completely froze for 2-3 seconds - my body was simply not able to move. If I believed in Cupid I'd say I was struck by his arrow right that very second! It was that sharp and intense - like a slap in the face. The next few times I ran into him I got the impression that he was checking me out. He would start working out on a machine right in front of me, giving me a peek every now and then, etc.

The thing is I've been unable to approach him and strike up even the simplest of conversations. I'm normally an outspoken and articulate guy, but for some reason I go completely dumb when he is around (dumb as in both silent and stupid LOL). It's driving me mad. Every time I see him my heart gets stuck in my throat, my hands begin to sweat and I rather pretend I'm super involved with my workout. I know, very pathetic. After the first few days of staring at him and not doing anything I got the impression that he started to avoid me - he would walk away when he saw me approaching, or he would turn his back on me in the locker room or look in another direction, etc. This prompted me to action - I couldn't stand him ignoring me any longer. I approached him and asked him if we had met before, outside of the gym, as I had a feeling that I recognised him from somewhere. This was, of course, not true. I knew very well that I had never seen him outside of the gym, but that was the best ice breaker I could come up with - and it took me a few days of practice in front of the mirror to get the right tone of voice and a relaxed expression on my face! He said he didn't recognise me from anywhere and that was it. End of discussion. But at least I'd broken ice.

After that I didn't see him for 1-2 weeks. Then he showed up one day about 40-50 mintues before the closing time so there were only a few other people in the gym. He greeted me with a smile and started his cardio exercise only 2 treadmills away from me! What a fantastic chance to strike up a conversation! Dozens of questions I could ask him. Does he live/work in the area, how he likes the gym, what is his workout routine, etc.

So what did I do? NOTHING. I completely blew it. My eyes firmly fixed on the control panel, watching my heart rate rise beyond 190 beats per minute, my cold sweaty hands clutched onto the bar in front of me while I try to look relaxed and generally uninterested. He left after about 10 minutes.

I got so angry and frustrated with myself. I finished my cardio exercise soon after he left and I lay down on the floor to calm down. I decided that my silly behaviour must end right there and then. Otherwise I will never be able to approach guys that I really like. I prepared a few sentences in my head and set off to find him in the gym so I could ask him out for a drink or a coffee. After all, what's the worst thing that could happen? He would say No. The sun would still rise in the morning! And at least I would know for sure that he is not into me. But I couldn't find him anywhere in the gym. I checked every machine I had ever seen him working on before, the treadmill area, the stretching area, everywhere. He was GONE.

This was about 4 weeks ago and I haven't seen him since. My life has been hell. I've been going to the gym almost every single day since I last saw him, hoping that I would run into him again, just that I get one more chance to ask him out for a coffee.
I've never worked out so much in my entire life - I'm exhausted, my whole body hurts and I'm down to 165 lbs which was my weight when I was 21 LOL, but I can't help it. I need to go there. He is the first thing on my mind when I wake up, I feel this sharp pain in my chest every time I enter the gym floor, I burst out to tears when I'm alone in the steam room or sauna, etc.

I can't quite believe this is happening to me. This whole situation is just so absurd. I don't even know his name LOL. There are many other guys in my gym that I find hot and attractive, and I get a feeling that some of them are checking me out every now and then, but none of them has had an effect on me even remotely close to what I'm going through right now. Plus I'm also out there meeting other guys for drinks, dinner, theatre, etc. - some of them very nice and hot - but I just haven't met anyone yet that would make me feel that extra little something and make me go weak in my knees.

I have a feeling that I will never see him again. I guess I am just hoping for some kind of a closure. Any closure. Perhaps he's not gay at all and I got all his eye contact wrong, or perhaps he is gay but I'm not his type, or perhaps I AM his type but he just got annoyed by all my stupid behaviour, etc. I guess I will never know. What gets me most is this feeling of a lost opportunity, the feeling of what could have been if only I found enough courage some 15 minutes earlier that day. Fifteen. Minutes. I spend more time in the bathroom every morning LOL. But now I'm only left with this regret and all the words I had left unspoken in my heart. It's killing me.

I caught myself thinking the other day that he may well have turned out to be a complete jerk, pretentious, arrogant dumb-ass with a ridiculously small dick LOL, or something similar that would help me get him out of my mind, but deep inside I know that I was only making excuses to help me feel better about how I fucked it up.

Please don't get this wrong. I am not a wreck or a crazy psycho. I know I will get over it eventually. I can be deadly rational and analytical; once I was even accused of being emotionless. Until a few months ago I would be the first person to joke about people who believe in love at first sight. And here I am now - hopelessly dreaming about a complete stranger. I don't quite understand why it's so hard for me to let it go. I guess I just don't want to give up on this feeling once I've found it. Perhaps this is exactly what I'd been hoping to find all along while being busy making other plans re: my career, job, etc. This feeling of longing, cold sweaty hands, heart stuck in throat, this incredible, all-consuming desire to see someone, touch them and feel them, or just simply watch them in silence and awe.

I've already considered a couple of options of what I could do now, ranging from "do nothing and just suck it up" through "join another gym" to "come up with some story for the gym staff that would get me his phone number" - something like I'm worried about an old friend whom I haven't seen for a few weeks, etc. What would be your advice?

Thanks,

Within a couple of days I'd sent him an email, which contained the following section:

I think it's important to realise that when people get strong crushes like the one you describe, then those people can't be objective. The way you describe the events, then he could certainly be gay and have been interested in you. However, they're the events seen through your un-objective eyes and through his eyes things might look very different, for example he could well be straight!

Apart from the passage of time, I think the best cure to your obsession will be to find another guy who can be the focus of your passion. You may well never see this guy again, so I think that should be your working assumption given that you haven't seen him now for several weeks.

However, if you do see him again, then be careful. Since you're not used to approaching guys face to face, it seems quite likely to me that you might end up making a fool of yourself when you talk to him, given what you feel inside! The way you started talking to him, asking him if you'd met before, was a brilliant idea :-). If he is gay, my guess is that you probably executed it in an awkward way that put him off you, so the same thing could happen again. As in all dating situations, the key is to be open, relaxed, confident, i.e. cool :-). Start very very slowly - and don't ask him out until you've got a much better idea whether he's gay. Working out the right kind of behaviour is a skill, so I'd suggest that you spend a bit of time looking for guys in gay bars and clubs to help you practice.

Within a few days the reader had sent me another email, a much longer email this time, which again leaves no doubt that the reader has become completely obsessed with this guy:

Hey GB,

Many thanks for your response and for your quick thoughts, much appreciated, especially as you don't have much time for blogging at the moment.

Anyways, I've got huge news - I ran into the guy again about three days ago - THE DAY I SENT YOU MY FIRST EMAIL!!! It was not in the gym though, but in the tube station on my way home from the gym. It was about 10:15pm and I'd just touched in with my Oyster, approaching the stairs on to the platform level, when he passed by me walking in the opposite direction - on his way out of the station! I am not sure if he saw me or not. He'd let his hair grow a bit longer, about half-inch or so, and he looked like he'd lost some weight too - his cheeks were a bit less full than I remembered. By the time I composed myself he had touched out and was well on his way to the street level.

I stood still for a moment, unable to move, and then just followed my instinct without really thinking about what I was doing. I made a U-turn, quickly ran upstairs taking 2-3 steps at a time hoping I would catch a glimpse of his back walking away from the station. I felt incredibly silly, verging on creepy. What was I thinking of doing? Follow him all the way to his house LOL? I don't know, I guess I wasn't thinking. Anyways, I couldn't see him at first, but was lucky to spot him just a few seconds before he disappeared in the Tesco Express near the tube station. I had a plan in an instant - I would walk in, pretend to do my shopping and then bump into him as if by a complete chance, looking surprised.

So off I went. I walked in, noticed him on the right hand side in my peripheral view (I didn't turn my head to look at him), and chose the fruit aisle right opposite the main entrance as my base where I'd wait for the right moment. I knew he was in the next aisle. I walked up and down for about 30 seconds, my mind frantically trying to come up with something smart and funny to say. I grabbed a pack of grapes so I don't look like a complete idiot. He got to the end of his aisle, I knew he could see me any moment now. I approached him when he was reaching for something on the shelf in front of him. I think he noticed me shortly before I greeted him. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Oh, HEY! (wide smile on my face, looking excited) You're the guy from the gym!
Him: (No response. He didn't even look at me when I talked to him. He reached for something on the shelf.)
Me (still smiling): How have you been? Haven't seen you for ages!
Him: Sorry? (He looked at me as if he just noticed me)
Me: Uhm, I'm sorry. Are you a member at the gym just across the road?
Him: No, I'm not.
Me: (Gasp)
Him: I go to a gym near work (He looked back on the shelf).
Me: Oh, uhm. I'm really sorry. I must have confused you with someone else.
Him: That's alright (reached for something on the shelf again, as if I was not there).

I quickly walked away to one of the self-checkout stations. It took me about 5 minutes to pay for the stupid pack of grapes. I kept selecting "pay by cash" on the screen while sticking my card in and out of the payment terminal and entering my PIN code multiple times. It took three failed payment attempts for my mind to realise that I was doing something wrong! I got out of the store as fast as I could, ran to the tube station and stared in front of me the whole journey back home, my mind completely blank.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well. It wasn't until the following morning that I was able to think clearly about what happened. I think I was ready for anything but this. I expected he would say something like "Oh hey, I've been out of town for work" or "I've been sick" or something similar, but not that he would pretend we had never met. I am 99.99% sure it WAS him. Yes, he'd lost some weight and let his hair grow a bit, but his eyes were the same, his chin, nose, forehead, his body posture or the way he moved when I saw him walking away from the station - I would recognise him from among 100 people just by the way he walks.

I came up with a number of explanations of what could have happened:

It was him. He is gay and was interested in me, perhaps even had a crush on me too. He joined another gym because he wanted to get over me after all my stupid behaviour. (I know. Talk about gay fantasising and wishful thinking LOL).
It was him. He is straight (or gay but was never really interested in me) and he joined another gym because he found me annoying.
It was him. He joined another gym for other reasons. Nothing to do with me, his sexual orientation irrelevant.
It wasn't him. I talked to a complete stranger who had never been a member of Virgin Active and I made a complete fool of myself.

I fully understand that the way I've been experiencing everything is purely subjective, seen through my own lenses, biased and likely influenced by my wishful thinking. However, I am way too rational to jump into quick conclusions, especially in matters that are important to me, and I had analysed all my encounters with this guy in great detail to make sure that I'm being as objective as possible. I'm 99.99% convinced that he is gay. We weren't checking each other out on the gym floor only. We also exchanged a few peeks in the sauna, the locker room and the shower area. Sometimes he wouldn't wrap his towel around his waist; he would only hold it in front of his private areas with one hand, leaving his hips and backside exposed while walking around. On one occasion he even walked in to one of the disabled-access showers and he kept looking at me while he was pulling the curtain (with the other disabled shower right next to the one he was getting into, separated only by an internal curtain that can be easily pulled off to create one open space). It wasn't until a few weeks later when I realised that many guys use the disabled showers for all different purposes but taking shower LOL.

Again, I can only give my account of our brief conversation in the locker room some 2 months ago (when I asked him if we'd met before), but I don't think that I executed it in an awkward way that would make him feel uncomfortable. I'd just got to the gym from work and was changing to my workout clothes when he suddenly appeared about 3-4 lockers to my right, just out of the showers after his workout. As far as I can recall our conversation went something like this:

Me: Excuse me, can I ask you something? (wide smile on my face, trying to sound relaxed, my whole body facing him)
Him: Sure. (turning only his head in my direction with the rest of his body facing the locker, with a subtle, almost unnoticeable, smile on his face)
Me: Have we met before? I mean, outside of the gym?
Him: I don't think so. Why?
Me: I have this feeling that I recognise you from somewhere but I can't quite put my finger on it. I don't want to keep staring at you like a complete twat so I thought I'd just ask.
Him (smiling): I'm sorry, I don't recognise you.
Me: Oh well, never mind.
This was followed by about 2 minutes of silence while we were changing. And then, as I was leaving:
Him: See you later. (note that HE was the first one to break the silence)
Me: See you.

I then didn't see him until about 1-2 weeks later, when he showed up 40-50 minutes before the closing time. I was already on a treadmill doing my cardio exercise when, for some reason, I turned my head to the right and saw him about 4 treadmills away, just about to get started. He looked at me, stepped down from his treadmill, walked in my direction saying something like "Hey mate you alright?" while stumbling on one of the treadmills along the way, walked behind me and started his cardio exercise only 2 treadmills to my left! Note that there are two rows of 12-15 treadmills each, all of which were free at the time, except about 1-2 other people on the opposite end of the row behind me.

That's when I completely blew it. My mind went blank and I had no idea what to say. My hands sweating, my heart rate on the control panel rising above 190 beats per minute, etc. I remember that shortly before he left he looked at me for 3-4 seconds, as if he expected me to do/say something, then he walked away. This was about 4-5 weeks ago and I hadn't seen him since then until our encounter in the tube station and the Tesco fiasco that followed.

Am I wrong thinking that he is gay and was interested in me? Even if I discount all evidence, I don't think that my body would be reacting so strongly to someone who is straight. If you've ever had a "gut feeling" about anything in life you know what I'm talking about. You know it in your guts.

I've already considered a couple of options of what I could do now:

Join the gym that I think he joined and hope to run into him again.
Set up a tent in front of the Tesco Express and start my own "Occupy Groceries" campaign until he shows up again LOL. He did his grocery shopping there before, he will do it again.
Do nothing. I've already fucked this up on so many fronts. Put it behind me and move on with life.

What would you do in my case? Sometimes I catch myself thinking that it was all meant to happen just the way it did, e.g. the day when I ran into him in the tube station - had I spent less time drying my hair in the locker room or had I not paused for a little to fill in my bottle at the water tank shortly before I left, I would have got to the station 30 seconds earlier and would have never ran into him. Guess these are my Benjamin Button moments! But then I immediately scorn myself for being ridiculously pathetic - all this thinking about fate and "meant-to-be" stuff. Feels like a constant battle between my reason and heart. Crap I can't believe the mess this whole thing got me into. Any opinion/advice would be much appreciated.

I think you may be right about finding another guy who can be the focus of my passion. But the thing is, you can't really plan this ahead, can you? It's not like I can make a DECISION now to focus my passion on a particular guy. The passion is either there or is not. I can't fake sweaty hands or my heart stuck in throat. I have profiles on about 8-10 dating/social networking sites and I am out there meeting other guys for drinks, coffee, dinner, theatre, etc. including social events organised by Jake and Village Drinks. But as I said before, none of the guys I've met through online dating/networking sites so far has had an effect on me anywhere close to what I'm experiencing now. And it's certainly not their fault. They can be smart, good looking professionals around my age, lawyers, doctors, bankers, charity guys, TV/radio presenters, civil servants, etc., and I can talk to them for hours about work, life, politics, culture, gay scene, etc. but if the spark is not there it's just NOT THERE. So should I simply pick a guy that I'm reasonably comfortable with? I certainly know that I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of a similar choice made by someone else.

Ok, I guess I better cut it now before I completely scare you off LOL.

Thanks for reading!

Hopefully the reader has now got over this crush, but nonetheless, I thought it was worth posting this email because it may be instructive to other people in similar situations.

The reader said that he came out very late, so my guess is that like me, he didn't learn the fundamentals of dating and relationships during his teenage years when our straight brothers are busy doing all that stuff. So this whole experience is just part of a delayed gay adolescence.

Re-reading the emails again, my guesses are that

The guy may well have been gay, but was put off the reader by his failure to act consistently in the right way, e.g. when they were both on nearby treadmills.
The reader didn't see the guy in the gym again for reasons that are completely unrelated to the reader. I think it would have to be quite an extreme situation for one gym member to change gym because of another gym member (e.g. failed long term relationship). Perhaps the guy just moved away, or changed jobs and hence his workout schedule, or something.
The guy in Tescos wasn't the guy. But at that point the reader was so obsessed that, in spite of his assertions that he can be rational, the crush had overwhelmed his rationality!

Regarding the three courses of action that the reader suggested towards the end of his second email, the "do nothing" option seems like the right one to me. Hopefully that's what he did. In my last email to him, I said

... I still think you need to find another guy to find another guy who can be your focus. But it sounds as though the guys that you're currently meeting aren't the right ones, so perhaps you need to find new sources of men to meet, to make it more likely that you'll find the right kind of guy?

Although it's an old story, in the future some people may read this who're in a similar situation. So do any other readers have any thoughts?

Preparing for your first gay date

2012-03-22T19:37:00.000Z

Late one evening a few days ago, a young gay guy sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm a 17 year old who's recently "come to terms" (correct phrase?) with being gay. Lately I've been using Grindr to chat to other like-minded folk and for the past few days I've been talking to a guy (a year older) who I really like. We live local, have exchanged numbers and so far the conversation has gone really well, even more so the fact he's asked me if I want to meet for coffee this weekend, and this is where I need some help!

Do you have any advice on how to treat a first date? I'm trying not to think of it as a first date, more of a "get to know each other over coffee". I'm very nervous and have no idea how to approach anything, taboo subjects for a first date? We have plenty in common but I'm terrible in social situations anyway, never mind a one-on-one discussion with essentially someone I've known less than a week.

Sorry, this email has turned into a rambling, essentially I just want any pointers you can give me for this nerve-racking experience.

Thanks GB!

As I said in my last posting, I've started trying to reply immediately to these kind of emails, so the next day I sent him the following:

Just be yourself :-). I know it'll be hard to do, but try and relax and be cool about everything. That's by far the most important advice.

In terms of moving from coffee to *coffee*, body language and especially eye contact is the natural way to communicate. You've seen it in films (no doubt in heterosexual contexts), the boy doesn't ask the girl "Um, is it OK if I kiss you now?", instead they look passionately into each other's eyes, their faces move closer, their lips move closer and closer, and ... :-).

Beyond that, take things one step at a time, and if you don't feel comfortable about anything along the way then don't feel forced to do anything as a result of the other guy's expectations. Everyone has to have their first date, their first kiss, their first *encounter*, and all sensible people know that. So if a more experienced person makes a less experienced person feel uncomfortable, then they're being stupid and it's not worth wasting time getting to know them. If he's only 1 year older then he may not be very experienced either. But early on it might help to say something like "I've never done anything like this before" to set expectations appropriately, because that might help to defuse any nerves you have.

If you end up getting very intimate (e.g. naked etc) then I reckon blunt talking is fine. At that stage there's no longer any question mark about what's going on, which makes it's easy to mention subjects which might be considered taboo in everyday conversation. So e.g. if you've been mutually wanking and he wants to move to fucking, blunt statements like "I'd never fuck anyone without a condom" or "I'd never let anyone fuck me without a condom" are fine (and necessary if you have the slightest thought that he may want bareback sex). Also fine would be "I not comfortable with anal sex" if that's the way you feel.

Above all, dating (and *playing* around with other guys!) is fun, so enjoy yourself. There's no point in doing it if you're not going to have a good time :-).

Good luck, GB xxx

PS: Of course, usual internet dating precautions apply. Hopefully you've seen at least a face pic of this guy so that you'll be able to call it all off it someone else turns up, etc.

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this subject?

Email from a guy whose boyfriend is going to work abroad

2012-03-05T20:52:00.001Z

It's confession time. I've been getting seriously behind with answering the emails that people send me asking for advice. It was 16th September last year when the email below arrived in my inbox, so it's been in the queue in this blog's right-hand side-bar for almost 6 months. For most of these "Dear GB" emails, a response which is 6 months late is pretty useless :-(.

A few months ago, the growing realisation that it was taking me too long to post responses to these "Dear GB" emails made me start replying to them in a different way. Instead of short responses telling people that they were in the queue, I started giving people some of my thoughts immediately, together with the option to join the queue and wait for a full posting. This new approach seems to have been working well, and to date I must have answered about a dozen emails in that way :-). The two emails which are currently in the "Dear GB" queue are ones that got that kind of response, with the readers who sent those two emails opting to join the queue.

Anyway, back to the reader who sent me the email last September. He had some big dilemmas about his relationship. For reasons which I'll explain later, I know how things turned out, but his original email was as follows:

Dear GB,

I apologise if this email is disjointed – I have a lot of different angles on this but I'll try and keep it concise.

I'm 21 and I'm in my first long-term relationship. We have only been together for about 16 months but they have given me the happiest times of my life. Though I've had deep feelings for someone before and have had purely sexual "relationships", this is essentially my first love. In about a year my boyfriend wants to leave to teach in Japan (for at least a year). He says he isn't sure yet what we should do about our relationship at that point, and because of this he doesn't like thinking or talking about it. This has given me reason to do some serious re-evaluating about where we stand, and what I want. It genuinely feels like I'm being split down two paths, and if I don't pick one my head will be seriously messed up. But how do I pick the right choice for me? I can basically boil it down to the common 2 opposing stances:

I truly love my boyfriend, and it's reciprocated. If I broke his heart it would be the most cruel and horrible thing I've ever done, and it would probably take me a long time to recover from it too, whether it would permanently affect how I viewed relationships, I don't know. But he is – and I could honestly say this even if we weren't together – the nicest person I know. This could well be the naivety, and I am well aware of how unlikely it is that a first love is the one, but we talk about the future realistically, we know things might not work out but we hope for the best, because we make each other truly happy, and to stay together in the long-long-term is right now the ideal aim. Granted we can also make each other feel like crap, but I reckon that's always the flip-side of being that close to someone, and the one time we were faced with breaking up it felt like the mother of all mistakes, and we fixed things up the next day. I don't know if this is the "first relationship" aspect talking, and am aware I could have severely impaired judgement, but this guy is the most important person in my life.

Having said all that:
I ache for other men, but I try to rein my urges. The trouble is – I really don't want this to come across as big-headed – guys come on to me a lot. I used to be a bit of a twink but I've recently built myself up a fair bit and the combination really hasn't been conducive to monogamy. Gay clubs are an absolute minefield, and drink just fuels my lust. On the rare night out I just can't help but cruise and enjoy being cruised. And on top of that, I can't seem to have gay friends who don't try to make a move. Last week my hairdresser propositioned me; my boyfriend's bisexual housemate is like a hungry dog – a real hazard during house parties; my supervisor where I worked was well into sexual harassment territory, and the most beautiful Portuguese boy I met on a night out is determined to visit Ireland in two weeks to consummate months of heavy flirting. It is taking the core of my being to turn him down, but I still haven't ruled it out. He is pretty much the epitome of everything I find physically attractive in a guy, the ultimate temptation for my lust. I don't want to look back on years and think, "I should have gone for it, I should have whored myself around and lived the pure freedom of it all."

I've already had a few slip-ups, but I can't have the best of both worlds, can I? I know I'd hate it if I found out he had cheated, so an open relationship is not for me, not to mention the boyfriend would hate the idea. But taking approach 3. and becoming a serial adulterer behind his back shouldn't really be a viable option, and would most likely devolve to 2., but I have considered it ...

I know I'm young and lacking in this kind of knowledge, but I'm trying my best to look ahead and get even the vaguest picture of what I will want in the future, but by nature this is pretty much impossible, I guess I can only gain wisdom through experience. Maybe I need to make these mistakes myself in order to learn from them? Maybe I need to literally and/or figuratively grow up..? The thing is, when my boyfriend leaves to Japan I'm going to be forced to make a decision, I won't be able to put it off any longer. It's not tricky to stay faithful when he's around, but a year or more apart?? And especially while our relationship is still relatively young, it would really be the catalyst for me searching for greener gay pastures to have sex in. It seems like I'm keeping one hand firmly on my boyfriend while the other grabs at other men... and I'm going to have to choose what I want before I end up tearing my relationship or myself apart.

Sorry this is so lengthy, I tried to cut it down but probably just edited in mistakes. I normally just keep this kind of stuff in a pseudonymous blog to vent and help me process the conflicting thoughts, mainly concerning the long-distance prospect. If I'm lucky I may get some semblance of sensible resolution before this whole thing ends up collapsing around me. Most of this message was actually just going to get posted there in some form or other, but after reading a lot of your blog and the existing posts I thought I would seek your advice, as you seem to have strong views on monogamy and a lot of insight on this kind of thing. I really don't know how to proceed, part of me thinks the relationship now has an expiry date, and the boyfriend really doesn't like me bringing it up. I hope you don't mind me emailing, and of course you're very busy so I completely understand if you can't respond. Thanks for reading this anyway, your blog is the only one I regularly return to, it is genuinely the most interesting I've read on here :)

Thanks again,

I thought that this reader had a great writing style, which was very engaging. I immediately sent a reply which contained the following paragraph, partly because I thought that the questions I was asking might help lead him towards a resolution:

The first thing that I thought was, if your relationship is going so well, why is your boyfriend making plans to live apart from you? Is it his way of trying to end the relationship? It might be interesting to see what his reaction is if you can find a plausible way of telling him that you're thinking of spending a year or two in Japan as well, so that you can be with him. You don't mention what his ideas are for the future of your relationship, given that it's his idea to move away from you. That's an important part of the puzzle. Also, even if you somehow keep the relationship going while he is away, I think that a break-up may be inevitable if he then returns to Ireland. Travel broadens the mind, so unless you have similar experiences, you're liable to seem parochial to him on his return. The best course of action may be an amicable trial separation, starting very soon, with the idea of trying to get back together once he returns from Japan. That would then leave you free for a bit of whoring LOL!

Later the same day I got his response:

Thank you for the quick reply, it must be some work having people send emails whining to you every day :] I really appreciate you taking the time to read it. I'll try and answer your questions as succinctly as possible (and I will undoubtedly fail :)

In my attempt to keep my first email relatively brief I seem to have left out important points! Sorry about that. To clarify: We are at uni together in the UK which is where he's from, but I live in Ireland so we spend a bit of time apart during the holidays. During term we rarely go more than a day apart, and our friend group there is relatively merged at this stage. But this isn't a big factor when I look at our relationship, I know if we broke up we could keep friends on both sides. It may not be healthy that we are that close – location wise – and have been since early in our relationship? Thinking about it, it seems we don't really have a balance: we are either spending the majority of nights together at one of our places, or we are in different countries for a month every holiday, there's no interim. At first it was difficult when we were apart, but it has been easier, though I really do look forward to seeing him. Though I know I love him, what I can't quite figure out is how much of this longing is just me being... well, horny... I find I miss him a lot more when I'm craving sex!

With regards to the year abroad, we had actually discussed me going with him, but it was not too seriously considered, and in all honesty it's not something I would enjoy. Though I haven't a clue what I want to do with my life, I know spending a year in Japan is not on my list. But it is something he has always wanted to do, long before he met me. I understand that he doesn't want to compromise his long-term goals, and I respect that. He is only 20 and I'm shortly turning 22 so in some respects I get that it wouldn't be right for me to tie him down or give him an ultimatum. But he knows I'm not thrilled about the prospect. As I said, he doesn't like talking about it. The most recent time I broached the subject was via text, and his reply went like this:

Atm I think we should stay together but I'd be lying if I said my mind hasn't been going back and forth about this which is why I try not to think about it. I want us to make the best decision possible to help us last the long-term but I don't think either of us has/should have the answers yet, another reason why I'm not thinking about it.

This is the latest of a few times I've brought it up. At one point I openly said "I want us to stay together while you're away" and he agreed, but looking back now he must have just wanted the subject swept under the carpet. He is clearly considering the option of a "break" when he's away, and it's quite possible he's looking at this more sensibly and realistically than I am. I can't predict what mindset I'll be in, but if he is the one to put us on a temporary break-up I think there could be a risk of me harbouring a bit of resentment towards him while he's away, and that, coupled with my libido, could make for a very busy year ...

I am fully aware that what I'm about to write REEKS of hypocrisy, I really can't help feeling it, but I hate the thought of him being with another guy. He has always been the "steadier" one in this relationship – I think in most couples one is more likely to stray than the other – and if I found out he had been with someone else while away, I reckon that would be the nail in the coffin as far as we're concerned.

Funnily enough, even writing this to you has made me really consider this not working, and you suggesting a pre-emptive break may be the best idea. But going to uni in a relatively small town means that even if we started being apart tomorrow, we would see each other on nights out all the time, and I predict on many occasions would end up in bed together at the end of a drunken night. It wouldn't be long before that plan fell through or the "amicable trial separation" became a "messy full-blown break-up". Not to mention how much I would miss the sex on tap ;) And I should really mention that I am happy with him, and it would be really shitty spending the last year of uni around him but not with him. Though I am thinking increasingly of the long-term, it would be very difficult for me to give us any kind of separation in this next year unless I'm forced to. A year apart is certainly one way of forcing me to act. More and more I am seeing it as a deadline.

The immediate dilemma I face right now is this Portuguese guy. I can never really describe how much this guy affected me the night we met. It's really quite pathetic. If there is such a thing as "love at first sight", I came pretty close to it that night. Looking back I think it was more of a surge of "lust at first sight". I had never felt anything as strongly as I did in that moment. There was something about him that reminded me of a guy at uni who I had a crush on a couple of years ago, but it was like this attraction was intensified tenfold upon seeing this destructively gorgeous man in front of me. Everything I found attractive had been bundled up and placed 10 feet away from me.

I've kept in touch with this is guy since I met him, and met him twice over a weekend a while back, but nothing more than kissing and some mild foreplay. Now he wants to visit me for a few nights, and I'm sorely tempted to let him. This would undoubtedly result in sex and I will have for the first time "fully" cheated. I know the right thing to do is tell him it's not a good idea to visit, but I will hate myself if I look back on this and regret not having this dumb fun. Even worse if my relationship doesn't work and it's too late for me to act on this with a guy who I think it's safe to say is the most beautiful guy I will ever know. I never knew what a mind-fuck felt like until I met him. The boyfriend is visiting this coming week, and ironically Portugy is planning to visit the day after he leaves. To say I'm "in two minds" is an understatement, but I haven't put him off the idea at all yet.

So, SO sorry for writing so much, it seems the more I type the nearer I get to some sort of resolution, but questions lead to more questions and then I ramble. It's all getting a bit complicated. Anyway, I might as well ask you, do you think this relationship is, for now at least, a sinking ship? Do you think if it's doomed now that it could be the sort of thing we could salvage at some point in the future, when we're a bit more mature and I don't want to be... such a slut..?

Thank you again :)

The reason for me suggesting "an amicable trial separation" in my email response to this reader was precisely because I thought that in the short term, their relationship was indeed "a sinking ship". It seemed to me that even if they lasted to the end of the current university year, there was no way that their relationship would then last while the boyfriend is away in Japan, given the reader's high libido. However, perhaps when the boyfriend got back from Japan it might have been possible for them to start their relationship again, especially if at that point the reader had become tired of the cruisy lifestyle that he would undoubtedly adopt!

I sent the reader an email in early January to ask for an update prior to doing this posting, but that was two months ago now and I never got a response. However, at the end of his first email the reader mentioned that he had a blog. It wasn't that hard to find, so I think I can reveal that the details of the reader's blog are as follows:

Nice Eyes / Dirty Mind

Unfortunately, as I had expected, a posting from January tells us that they did split indeed up. However, it's a very well written blog, so if any readers want to know more about this story, I can recommend giving it a read :-).

Pinot noir

2012-02-07T16:34:00.005Z

"Can you take down your pants and lie on your side, facing the wall?"

I'm in a private clinic, having a health check-up, and the doctor has decided that he should feel my prostate. He slips his middle finger slowly into my arse.

"Ahhh, there it is, ... yes, ... normal size, ... ok, ... ok, ... no lumps, ... yes all normal :-)," he says, withdrawing his finger after what felt like a very thorough examination. I feel that the running commentary wasn't strictly necessary.

"You can pull up your pants now, but can you leave your shirt off? I just want to listen to your heart."

No one in my family, including me, has ever had any heart problems so I feel quite relaxed. But I'm in for a shock!

"I think I can hear a heart murmur," he says, after several repeated touches of the cold stethoscope on my chest and back, "Just lie back again and let me check."

"Yes, it's definitely there, has anyone ever mentioned this to you before?"

"Errr, no," I answer nervously, not at all sure what it all means, "will I be OK?"

"Probably," he replies after a small delay, "but I'd like to send you to see a cardiologist to check this out."

"That's the point of these check-ups you know :-)," he continues, with a satisfied tone in his voice, "to find potential issues before they become problems!"

A few days later and I'm having an echocardiogram done at a nearby hospital. After the scan, I get given a piece of paper with a summary of the results to carry over for review by the consultant cardiologist. Looking at the document, I see scary phrases like "concentric left ventricular hypertrophy" and "ascending aortic dilatation". But the phrase "normal in structure and function" also occurs with a reassuring frequency, so maybe I'll be OK after all.

After a short wait I get to see the consultant. He sees that I look a bit nervous, so after the introductions he tries to put me at ease.

"Everyone would have a heart murmur if you listened to their heart in a quiet enough room," he explains, "and a murmur isn't necessarily something to worry about. For example, pregnant women have murmurs because their hearts have to work harder!"

He reads the document that I carried over from the scan and smiles. "All your heart valves are fine according to this, so take your shirt off and let's listen to this murmur."

As well as listening to my heart, he also takes my blood pressure and measures my heart rate.

"You've got quite a low heart beat, only 49 beats a minute," he says smiling, "do you go to the gym much?"

"Errr yes," I answer, "I try and keep fit, and I like to go running sometimes, but perhaps I need to be careful exerting myself too much in the future if I've got heart problems?"

"Well then, that explains everything," he replies, "you've got an athlete's heart! The murmur is simply because you're heart can pump more blood in a single heartbeat than the average person. So keep running and going to the gym because it's good for you :-). You don't smoke do you?"

"No, I've never smoked," I answer, "but I do like to drink alcohol!"

"That's fine in moderation," replies the consultant, "Red wine is best because of the antioxidants."

"That's good because I like red wine," I say enthusiastically.

"Well then, they reckon that pinot noir is best, because it's got very slightly more antioxidants than other grape varieties."

Pinot noir is the grape variety used for red wine in Burgundy, as I've said before, it's one of my favourite styles of wine.

"Anyway," he continues, "everything is absolutely fine, your heart is fit and healthy, so you don't need to spend time seeing people like me!"

I had no idea when first heard about my heart murmur that things would turn out so well. According to the consultant I've got an athlete's heart, and more than that, my favourite red wine grape variety is even better for me than I'd thought! Boyfriend T tends to prefer claret to red Burgundy, but armed with this information, perhaps I'll be able to persuade him to drink Burgundy with me a little more often :-).

Email about Asian-discrimination and penis size

2012-01-03T09:23:00.000Z

A couple of month ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm young (in my 20s) and rather new to the gay scene. I've recently started going on gay hook-up sites like Manjam, Gay Romeo, Gaydar and Manhunt, and logged onto Grindr once or twice. What I've noticed is that many guys specifically state that they do not want to date or hook-up with Asian men. I wonder why this is. Is there some sort of ethnic hierarchy when it comes to desirability in the gay scene?

The first reason that came to mind is the stereotype that Asian men are less-endowed than men of other races. I don't place much trust on stereotypes, especially after having slept with a few black men who have come in all sizes from huge to small. It also got me thinking about the importance of penis size in the gay scene. How important is penis size? Is it more important than being fit or good-looking facial features? Why is it that penis size has any importance whatsoever (I've only been a top so I have no idea how penis size affects a bottom's pleasure during sex)? Is it solely psychological (for example, something akin Freud's idea of penis envy, except with average/less-endowed men replacing women)? I also found studies that showed that well-endowed men are more likely to be tops while their less-endowed counterparts are most likely to be bottoms. Even you mentioned a scenario in your blog where a guy was trying to ascertain your size by looking at your fingers; was that just a form of flirting or are there men actually checking for signs like that?

Part of me finds this all rather ridiculous, and another part is slightly insecure and wonders how this affects me or where it leaves me on the desirability scale; I'm an average-sized (6 inches) black guy. Mostly, I'm just curious.

Regards,

I think there's a rather disappointing answer to this reader's first question about profiles that state things like "No Asians". It's called racism :-(. Although it's not excusable, I think I can explain why young guys feel like that, because about 20 years ago before I met ex-boyfriend S I had similar feelings. I simply felt that I had nothing in common with Asian guys, and I felt that I needed to have a lot in common with guys that I was going to get intimate with. Although I've never had a profile which stated "No Asians", the truth was that when I first came out, I was only interested in Caucasians. However, the more I've matured and grown up, the more open I've become to sex and relationships with guys from all ethnic backgrounds. So although ex-boyfriend S is Caucasian like me, ex-boyfriend P is a Muslim, ex-boyfriend R is Hindu, and boyfriend T is Asian :-).

Taking a world view, I don't think there's a global ethnic hierarchy, because preferences vary from country to country. I can recall being in Tokyo, and finding a gay sauna which was Japanese only. However, if my own experience is anything to go by, perhaps young gay guys have a preference for guys from their own background. So within each country, maybe that does define a hierarchy? Although I hope that I'm fully cured of the racist preference that I felt when I was younger, I can't help being reminded of the song Everyone's a little bit racist from the musical Avenue Q!

Regarding penis size, there were a lot of comments about that on my recent posting titled Email from a gay guy who lives in India. Also, back in 2005 I did a posting about my own experiences of penis size, which suggest that East and South-East Asians guys are on average a bit smaller than Caucasians, South Asians (i.e. Indians and Pakistanis), Latinos and Black guys. However, I honestly don't think that's really got anything to do with people's preferences. I certainly had no idea about the average size of different ethnic groups when I was more inclined towards Caucasians. And for the record, I reckon that the guy who was trying to work out my size by looking at the size of my fingers was just flirting.

I've always thought that guys who focus on penis size are being very shallow, especially if they're looking for a life partner rather than just a brief encounter. What's more, there are some drawbacks to big penises because they can be painful to accommodate, and also the quality of their hardness when erect can be significantly lower. Given the choice, I'd much rather have a hard cock to play with than a big one :-).

In summary, I don't think that any gay guy needs to feel insecure about their cock size when they're looking for a boyfriend. Long term relationships are about much more than sex, but even in the bedroom, I'm convinced it's about 'what you do with it' rather than 'how big it is' :-). And in any case, if a guy really does focus on cock size then he's unlikely to make a good boyfriend, so he's not worth the effort!

Do any other readers have any thoughts on these subjects?

A very Happy Christmas to all my readers

2011-12-25T13:16:00.003Z

This year, I managed to get away on holiday with boyfriend T for Christmas :-). However, it turned out that although the weather at our holiday destination was warm, it was also gray, overcast and a bit rainy :-(! Below are a couple of pics taken over the last couple of days, in case anyone wants to hazard a guess as to where we are.

In any case, I hope all my readers have a very Merry Christmas, wherever they may be :-).

GB xxx

The new customised condom brand: TheyFit

2011-12-16T08:28:00.001Z

Yesterday I received an email from an ex Goldman Sachs trader called Joe Nelson, who's set up a company called TheyFit which makes condoms in 95 different sizes! So this is a condom brand that fits both length and girth :-).

The idea is simple. Guys download and print out the Fit Kit, which lets them work out the best size for them. They can then place an order on the web site. If anyone wants to try ouy this new brand, Joe has sent me a code which will give readers a 15% discount:

15% discount code: GBGS15

The 'GS' in the discount code refers to the investment bank Goldman Sachs where Joe used to work. Because of that, London's evening newspaper wrote an article about Joe's condoms with the title Goldman Sex - how Londoners measure up!

It occurred to me last night that if this catches on, the TheyFit measurement codes might one day become the definitive way of talking about cock size. Will women, and guys who like to be bottom, one day be saying things like "My last boyfriend was a D21 which was PAINFUL, but I'm much happier with my new guy who's a comfortable B77 :-)"?

Anyway, if any reader does try out this new condom brand, do come back and leave a comment to let us all know what you think!

Update 14-Jan-2012: Originally the discount code was only valid for 30 days. However, today I got an email from Joe telling me that he'd seen a lot of people use GBGS15, so he's extended it for another month :-).

Looking good on camera for a TV pilot? Volunteers please!

2011-12-09T13:06:00.000Z

This morning I received the following email from Anna Shaw of Rockabox media:

Hi there,

I've just stumbled across your blog - loving it! I'm a TV producer developing a dating show for bisexual 16 - 25 year olds. Lots of my friends are bi and I've never seen anything like this on TV before. I wanted to drop you a line as I'm currently looking for people to take part and wondered if you might know anyone who would be good on camera?

All the best

When she said that she'd "never seen anything like this on TV before", I assume she meant the kind of posts that I used to write relating to my gay life, which I don't have time to write at the moment. In which case, I think there has been something similar on TV before, in particular Queer as folk :-). So I asked her about Queer as folk to which she replied:

Yeah, similar lines definitely but we want to do it for real.

Anyway, if any readers want to take part, or know someone who'd like to take part, then please contact anna.shaw@rockaboxmedia.com as soon as possible!

Charity donations at Christmas

2011-12-07T11:10:00.000Z

For the last four years, I've asked readers to give me suggestions for Christmas charity donations (see 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010).

In connection with this, a few weeks ago I received a direct email request from a charity called Positively UK for a donation, so I've already used my charity account to give them £100. But there's still an excess in that account of around £1000, so if anyone has any suggestions for the rest then please leave a comment. The only condition is that the beneficiaries have to be registered UK charities :-).

Gay sex and the City

2011-11-28T19:28:00.000Z

Last July, I did a post about GMFA's Sexual Health Messaging Service in the UK. I got another email from them today, which contained a link to a video that they've made to promote the service, see below:

Email from a gay guy who lives in India

2011-11-28T17:25:00.000Z

A few weeks ago the following email arrived in my inbox:

Dear GB,

I love your blog, it is full of real stuff, which means you have a mind of your own and you do not fear of being honest. The very reason for writing to you. Now, about my letter.

Well, I maybe a type "Z"-personality among gays, since I am not gay material:

I do not have a long penis (excretory organ) or a stereotypical face or body type;
Moreover I am against gay stereotyping and male body stereotyping.

In short I am everything a gay man will want to hate. (Not to earn sympathy for hidden wants). I want to be honest with you, at least with you.

Well, I am searching for a gay partner after all these shortcomings, but I seem to stumble upon people who forget me after sex. I am 31 years old, Indian (Asian), been cruising from the time I was 24, have met 25 men out of which I had sex with 11 guys (very accurately).

Because most reject me.

One reason for all this rejection perhaps would be because:

I refused to become a bottom or a Top; or
because I am ugly, contrary to the gay image portrayed in media; or
I am seeking love before sex; or
the guys wanted big penis.

(I would be happy if I was born asexual, but I am not. I respect all gays and asexual and straights and Lesbians and Transgender as Humans.)

Whatever be, in the end I am sad. That is why I am writing this to you with a thumping heart.

What is my hope, if any? I am not putting you or any reader on the opponents chair because that is silly. But I am also not saying, I do not want sex nor am I saying do not expect love from my dates. But if you feel my letter is honest do tell your valuable opinions.

I want to know:

Why is gay media portraying a male body image which is only a few types (maybe 5 or six)?
Why the penis is the favourite organ (it is an excretory organ)?
Why gay monogamy is shunned by media?
Why the West thinks that gay men in India are rejected by straights (which is not true at all) and gay Indians do not have any other problems other than being gays?

(I do not go after big penis, I do not like to hold the penis of all men I meet in my hand, because I do not have a similar penis and it is an excretory organ and it is not for love, if it was my lover it would be different, coz I may love him and in love I like to give everything 4 love.)

But I am not silly enough to ask you to answer all of these questions because you are "never" answerable and you are as much a victim of all these stereotypes in one way or the other and so are all gays in general. I fear honestly, we are victims of some oldish withered male body image, which is crippling our chances of love and bonding sans body differences and racial and mental variance.

I feel you are a powerful person who can bring about changes in "our" sensitive world. Sorry for this bother, but I feel it is time for me to speak to powerful gay individuals who believe life is hopeful and worthful.

Thank you for being patient and kind to read. I have hope in you and all gays. Regards and love.

The good thing about this reader is that he doesn't seem to have any problem accepting the fact that he's gay. A lot of the emails that I've received recently have been from young guys who're still in the early stages of working out that they're gay, but this reader has clearly progressed a long way beyond that :-). However, he does seem to have a lot of complaints about gay life!

Although it may be slightly unfair, some aspects of the reader's email remind me of the recent South Park episode, in which a large majority of men across America all get angry and disruptive just because they think their penis length is below average! The situation is only resolved when the US government officially defines the average penis size as 1.5 inches (3.8 cm), so that all men can then think of themselves as above average LOL! Is this reader just complaining because he thinks that he's below average?

It's a fact that far more guys are straight than gay. This means that if one wants to try and define an "average sexuality", then the answer would be "straight". If one then wants to define "above average", then because of the way that we're brought up we'd probably think that it's the successful so called alpha males who've got the "above average" sexuality. Unfortunately, that kind of implies that the gay sexuality is "below average" :-(. Maybe this analysis helps explain why some guys still have a problem accepting that they're gay, even though the Western world generally accepts that gay people are part of society these days.

Of course, all these ideas about above and below average penis sizes, and by extension above and below average sexualities, are ridiculous! When guys finally accept that they're gay, then they've managed to see through that kind of nonsense and come to terms with their situation. Acceptance of these kinds of facts is an important part of one's personal development, whether it relates to one's ability at sport, one's sexuality, one's appearance, one's penis size, or whatever. Once facts that one has no control over are accepted then people can move on. However, a failure to accept these kinds of things means that they're carried around in one's mind as a burden. This has a strong connection with my idea about the confidence mirror, where other people's attitudes to things that relate to a particular individual can often simply just be a reflection of that individual's own feelings. The way forward is to avoid such traps by accepting things the way they are.

Thinking about the reader's email in this way, I can't help wondering how many of the problems that he's experienced relate to his own attitude. It's true that some gay guys are shallow and focus on things like penis size, but in my experience most guys don't focus on that type of thing.

In summary, my advice to the reader is to try and accept things the way they are, and adopt a more positive and constructive attitude to boyfriend hunting. In a dating situation, confidence is probably the most important quality, so he should do everything he can to discard all his mental baggage and build his confidence.

Does anyone else have any other thoughts for this reader?

Email from a gay guy who's having lots of sex

2011-10-17T07:03:00.000+01:00

Last July, a new reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

The reason I'm emailing you is I stumbled across your blog after googling 'first gay dating advice'. I could have emailed other people, but I suppose I chose you because I work in the finance (well, professional services) industry and so I suppose we had that small, albeit very superficial link.

About myself - I'm on the grad scheme of one of the major firms in the City. I'm in my early 20's and only started coming out just a few months ago. Only one of my close friends knows. Since then I've made some gay friends and have been out on the scene. I will probably come out to more people soon, I really just want to time it right. Otherwise I'm comfortable with myself.

Anyway, the reason why I emailed is because, well, I met this guy. He's great. Our first 'date' started off casually. Just drinks, which morphed into dinner, then more drinks, then a cozy booth in a dimly lit bar/cafe in Soho until the early hours of the morning.

On paper it sounds good. But this is where I begin to feel - anxious? Tense?? Self-conscious??? I haven't had much experience with other guys. Yet this guy I met is about ten years older than me, and my lack of experience suddenly makes me feel very self-conscious.

Also, I like him a lot, but I don't want to sleep with him. Not yet. I like him, he's a great kisser, we get along great, but I don't feel like I want to throw him up against a wall and have raw hot sex with them.

What I want to ask is - has this happened to you? Is it common? To meet a guy, like them a lot, but NOT want to sleep with them, at least not straight away?

Thanks - I LOVE your blog. I've been trawling through the archives for a couple hours now.

In case anyone is wondering, that wasn't the email which inspired the title of this post, so read on! At the time that I received the email, I didn't have time to do full "Dear GB" posting, so I ended up answering the email in private. I told him that I thought his reticence was probably just related to his lack of experience. I suggested that he simply come clean about the situation with the guy in question, because telling the guy that he doesn't have much experience would take the pressure off. After all, everyone has to have their first time, and everyone who's had their first time knows how daunting it can be! In response to my advice, the reader sent me an email to thank me for my speedy reply :-).

However, about a month later, he sent me another email as follows:

Dear GB,

I just had a little question, a general musing if you will.

I only came out a few months ago and I've made a few gay friends actually and they are pretty good people! To be honest they are the kind of people I would have been friends with anyway, so it's quite good really.

Anyway, I noticed before I came out, or even thought about going to gay clubs or bars, I always had a 'type' in my head that I was attracted to. Not a very specific physical type, but a type nonetheless.

What I've noticed though, is that when I go out and end up meeting new people, I end up getting with them. Is this normal? Do you end up getting with most of the people you meet? Is it just a way of being friendly?

I'm pretty sure it isn't some kind of subconscious desire to just find any guy and settle down.. when I get drunk I never think like that, and I don't pull anyone, I have been attracted to the guys I've got with, but if I hadn't talked with them and gotten to know them, the thought of pulling them wouldn't have even crossed my mind!

So my question is - is it quite normal to get with guys you've only recently met, once you get to know them?

I realise my question is probably quite bizarre...

I found myself wondering, what on earth happened to this guy in between the first email and the second email :-)? On the face of it, it scarcely seems possible for a guy who seemed so shy to suddenly be sleeping with every nice that guy he meets!

However, much the same thing happened to me. I came out quite late, and was certainly a bit shy at first, but once I'd worked out how to meet guys and get them into bed there was no stopping me! I reckon that one of the good things about being gay is that one can have lots and lots of guilt free sex :-). Although straight guys are just has horny, my straight friends tell me it's usually much harder to find like-thinking women.

In the past, I've heard guys talk about sex in the early stages of friendships between gay men as "getting it out of the way". I think the idea is that it can help the two guys understand each other better, and also help them work out whether there's any potential for a relationship. I've certainly built some very good friendships with guys who I went to bed just after I got to know them. In most cases, we only went to bed once, and the friendship developed after that :-).

I've said before that I think that sleeping with lots of guys is a good way of looking for a boyfriend. It's not clear whether this reader is looking for a boyfriend or not, because he seems quite happy making lots of friends with benefits :-). But at some point he probably will want to try and find himself a nice boyfriend. Before he gets to that stage, he should be careful in case any of his new friends become keen on him for a potential relationship, because it's a good idea to avoid hurting people's feelings. Similarly the other way round, because if he's attracted to any of the guys that he sleeps with, they may well not want anything apart form no-strings fun so more than that might not be possible.

The reader asked whether his behaviour is 'normal' or not. Which kind of means that he's effectively asking whether my behaviour is 'normal'! Whatever the answer to that question is, I think that the reader is in good company :-).

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

A pic from a recent holiday

2011-10-16T18:35:00.005+01:00

Last month, I was on holiday with boyfriend T, and when we arrived at seaside town I spotted a little feature on the side of a nearby hill. It almost seemed like they knew I was coming!

Email from a gay guy in love with a childhood friend

2011-09-05T08:00:00.000+01:00

A couple of months ago, I received the following email from a loyal reader:

Dear GB,

I've been following your blog since the very start.

Now I decided to write to you because I've been so much appreciative of your wise replies.

I'm a European man, aged 30. I've known a guy since we both were 11.

He is gay but, at the time, neither of us knew it. We absolutely adored one another (and still do) so we were acting like boyfriends, although, of course, no sex was involved.

Subsequently he fell in love with someone else, and then, when he was 21, he moved to another city, where he found another partner with whom he now lives.

Still, we kept being friends, and I mean really close, really intimate friends, getting constantly in touch with each other through the Internet and in real life.

Nothing sexual ever happened between us since he is in a faithful relationship, but I know he likes me and it's not something just physical.

I think we both know we are, like, soul partners, but we now live so far away (500 miles) and moreover, like I said, he's got a b/f.

I just can't let it go. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Do you think that maybe one day we could end up together?

Having read this email, my initial thoughts were that the reader was wasting his life by pinning all his hopes for happiness on becoming boyfriends with his old childhood friend, which wasn't very likely. So I sent him an email, in which I suggested that his best course of action might involve finding himself his own boyfriend. Within a couple of says he'd sent me the following reply:

Hi GB,

I did find my own b/f throughout these years. I had a several year relationship which ended some years ago. I did love my b/f, at the time. But, as you can see, this occurrence did not tarnish my feelings for my friend; as soon as I was single again and the sadness for the ended relationship passed, I kept dreaming of him.

I don't rule out finding someone else - again. It's just that I still hope that something happens, one day, with my friend of a lifetime. It's my little, innocent dream. Something sexual? I wouldn't say no. A relationship? Yeah, I'd definitely give it a try. Even if it doesn't work, I know we'll always be in each other's lives.

My question to you was: do you think this may happen? After all, he finds me very attractive. :)

Thanks, GB. I'll be waiting for your reply ;)

At the time, there were a few other "Dear GB" emails to be posted before this reader's email, so I wasn't able to didn't get round to answering his queries immediately. A few weeks went by, and then I received another email from him which was as follows:

A quick update for you, G.B. - I really hope I'm not bothering too much.

My childhood friend, and his b/f almost split up a week ago. He didn't tell me anything but I got to know the news reading his blog (he doesn't know that I found it out!)

At that point, I noticed he started to share suggestive jokes with me and I'm sure he was about to move our friendship to another level; but, very soon after, they reconciled and he went back to his former friendly behaviour.

It wasn't much of a change but, you know, the timing with his private happenings was just perfect. So now I know, almost for sure, I must be his second choice. Wow!

Thanks for reading

xxx

In my reply, I warned him to be careful, because it's very hard for people in his position to be objective. In that kind of situation, whatever the news, people will often find a way of interpreting it so that they hear what they want to hear.

Thinking about his situation a bit more, I'm quite worried that the reader appears to be stalking his friend. The fact that he's worked out that his friend has a blog and is reading it behind his friend's back is strong evidence of this. With that state of mine, I feel that nothing good can come out of this state of affairs. So I think the first thing that the reader should do is to find a way of telling his friend that he knows about his blog. Close friends shouldn't keep those sorts of secrets from each other, and that's even truer of two boyfriends.

I also think the reader has made some dangerous assumptions about his friendship with this old friend. In particular, it's dangerous to assume that they would remain friends if they tried a relationship and it failed. When he reads that, no doubt the reader will say to himself that such a thing couldn't happen, because he wouldn't let the relationship fail and even if it did they couldn't possibly lose their friendship. But his love for his friend means that he can't be objective. Those things certainly are possible.

Even if his old friend does split up with his boyfriend again, it might be better to remain close friends instead of becoming boyfriends. Emotionally, the reader's life would be much richer if he has both this old friend of his to rely on as well as his own boyfriend to love. Pursuing a relationship with his old friend is dangerous in the sense that he's "putting all his eggs in one basket".

The reader needs to be careful in other ways too. He should certainly avoid being the cause of his a split between his friend and his friend's boyfriend, because if his friend then got back together with his boyfriend it might sour his old friendship. Something else which might cause their friendship to sour is if the friend discovers the reader's current obsession for him, and the fact that the reader has been reading his friend's blog.

Overall, it seems to me that the reader's current fixation on his friend is very unhealthy and could get worse. I think it makes a relationship between the two of them much more likely to fail, if it ever becomes possible. So I'm convinced that the reader's best course of action is to find a way of curing his obsession, so that he can get on with own life and try and find his own boyfriend. Telling his friend that he's found his blog would be a good start. Then if the reader is following his own path and his friend does become available for a relationship, the reader will be in a much better position to make it work if he chooses to go down that route. But it seems to me that ending this obsession and focusing on other guys is the thing to start doing right now.

Do any other readers have any thoughts about this situation?

Email from a guy who's keen on his best friend

2011-08-10T19:32:00.002+01:00

A few weeks ago, I got the following email from a new reader:

Dear GB,

I'm newly acquainted to your blog, but from what I've seen so far, your guidance and solutions are marvellous. That is why I'm seeking your help. You see, I have a typical story. I'm in love with my best friend. I'm 18, short, and a bit shy and feeble. He sees me more of a playful little brother. He's smart, sweet, clever, a bit devious, and caring, even to a point where he deals with my annoying antics. My friend has a girlfriend, and not to be rude, but she is completely wrong for him. First off she lied to him in the start for impersonating a guy. Then my friend worries about her to death. From drugs and alcohol to being jealous of her friends, and because of the distance he feels so helpless. The problems are all in his head, plus he's obsessed with her and can go on for hours in detail about her. I'm glad he can show such passion for this but how can I convince him that she's no good and that he'd be better off with me?

Sincerely, a smitten friend from afar.

When I first read the email, the reader's situation seemed quite clear, because it reminded me of the way I felt about some of my best male friends when I was his age. So it was clear to me that he was a young gay guy who had a crush on one of his straight friends. That's never a good idea, because those situations usually end badly, often with a loss of friendship.

However, the reader clearly wasn't thinking along those lines. To help him come to terms with the situation, I sent him an email in which I suggested that the title of this post should be "Email from a guy with a crush on his best friend". Within a couple of days he replied, saying that he wasn't sure yet what an appropriate title would be. The good thing about that comment is that he'd clearly started thinking about whether he did have a crush on his friend or not. I responded by saying that although I'd use the word "keen" rather than "crush", the original title might be closer to the truth. I went on to suggest that he should start thinking about how to find himself a nice boyfriend, in case the situation with his friend didn't work out.

The description that the reader gives of his friend, and especially the fact that his friend worries about his girlfriend, strongly suggests to me that his friend is straight. So the honest truth is that I see little hope that the reader and his friend might become boyfriends. However, although the reader doesn't mention it, my best guess is that the reader hasn't come out to his best friend yet. If the reader feels comfortable with his sexuality, then I think he should come out to his friend. The way the friend reacts should then guide the reader in terms of whether his friend really is straight or not. Then even if the friend is straight, with everything out in the open, it seems likely that at least the two of them will remain friends.

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

Email from a gay guy with a 'Type A' personality

2011-07-18T08:09:00.002+01:00

A few weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB

I'm 21 years old and I'm gay. I have been out of the closet for almost 3 years now. I'm a full time student in London, but also need to work full time as I have a small but time consuming PR company. I'm a classic type A personality and am 95% extremely satisfied with my life to now.

But I could really do with your advice about sex and sentimentality.

I've tried relationships a few times in the past but they're not for me - they consume too much time and energy and generally I end up resenting and disliking the person I'm dating very quickly.

Cruising, one night stands and plain old sex is way easier and much less complicated. So over the last 3 or so years that's what I've done - and I've tallied up an impressive count of notches on my bed post in doing so.

Up until recently I never minded this - I always maintained that I was simply liberated and could do what I pleased with whom I pleased. However over the last 4 months or so I have started to have severe doubts and insecurities about my sex life.

In some of your earlier posts you talk about hugging and comforting complete strangers with whom you've had sex - the story about the guy whose boyfriend left him to live with the lesbian mother of his child comes to mind. To a lot of people this would seem normal, kind and compassionate. To me it's alien and disconcerting. I don't even like to make eye contact with the person I'm having sex with - it seems way too intimate to me. I can't bear the thought of actually hugging them.

I've been able to have great interactions with people based on sex. Equally I've been able to have great interactions with people based on my sentiment towards them. But I've never experienced them both within the same relationship.

I'm worried that I seem so incapable of forging any connection with a potential suitor other than sexually. Whilst I'm content to sleep around at 21 I doubt I'll be happy to try and do so at 51.

I don't think I'm emotionally closed off or anything - I make new friends very easily and have a very open relationship with them. This is the only thing I just can't seem to get to grips with.

Do you have any advice GB? Am I just reading too much into it? Please don't let me become the guy in the corner of the club who looks like he used to be hot, but now just creeps the fuck out of everyone.

Thanks.

The impression that I get from this reader's email is that he is indeed a 100%++ type A personality. Although I think that the type A versus type B personality theory is too narrow to be taken seriously, it's clear to me from his email that the idea of a type A person was almost designed to describe this reader! The title of the email that he sent me was "sex and sentimentality", a perfect title for what he had to say, and the contents of the email are also perfectly focussed on describing his issue with a view to getting some help. And his last paragraph, painting a picture of what might become of him, was an amusing way to end the email :-).

The first thing to say is that I'm worried in case the reader needs professional help. Although he says that he doesn't think he's emotionally closed off, and that he makes new friends very easily, it could be that a lot of those friendships are quite shallow. Or given his type A personality, perhaps he only makes friends when he thinks that the person will be of some use to him. Indeed, the lack of emotional connection with people that he has sex with seems a bit extreme to me. As a banker, I myself am far more of a type A person than a type B person, but nonetheless I feel emotionally connected with other people far more than this reader does. As a result, I find the reader's behaviour hard to understand. So it's possible that he should talk things through with a psychologist, e.g. it could actually be one of those situations where there's something in his childhood that makes him behave like this. That's all the more true if I'm wrong and that his friendships are not shallow or not usually related to how useful the person may be to him, because that makes his feelings about his sexual partners even harder to understand.

It's true, though, that this lack of a broader interest in one's sexual partners is not exactly unknown when it comes to gay men hooking up with each other. My post titled 'Do you have sex or make love?' discussed that, and pointed out that even before online cruising, guys were still connecting with each other based only on finding another gay guy who could play the right role (e.g. top or bottom, etc). However, as the reader suggests, I'm sure that it is the guys who stay in that mode for too long who end up being the creepy guys in gay bars and clubs.

Some aspects of what I wrote when I got an email from a gay guy who works in the City might be applicable to this reader. Looking at Maslow's pyramid, it seems to me that at the moment this reader is near the bottom of the pyramid, focussing on safety issues. He could be so completely driven to succeed in his studies and with his PR company that he simply has no mental bandwidth for deep emotional connections and relationships. If so, when at some stage he feels secure enough to start trying to move one level up the pyramid to the love/belonging tier, then it's possible that his problem will correct itself. Indeed, perhaps that's the reason that he sent me this email, because he does feel ready and because of his prior focus on career he's not sure how to go about it.

Something else that I said in the post for the gay guy who works in the City was that he should try and become more altruistic. That might help this reader too. If he could force himself to spend time helping other people in some way, then perhaps that may help him develop the emotional and compassionate side of his personality.

Looking at it another way, for the reader to have a PR company when he's only 21 years old and still a student seems quite exceptional to me. Perhaps his problem with relationships is simply the flip side of what he's been able to achieve elsewhere in his life. To some extent the business world where achievement is everything is quite cutthroat and ruthless, so maybe he just finds it hard to turn that side of his personality off when it comes to boyfriends and relationships. To a hard headed businessman it might like seem like a waste of effort putting energy into caring about another person, but as one's life progresses and one suffers occasional setbacks, having a boyfriend who really cares about you and who can help you recover is priceless.

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

GMFA's Sexual Health Messaging Service in the UK

2011-07-03T20:22:00.000+01:00

A few weeks ago, I got an email from GMFA about a relatively new service that they've introduced to help fight sexually transmitted diseases. The idea is that if a sexual partner from your recent past is diagnosed with something, the service helps you get notified so that you can get tested too. Full details can be found on the GMFA Sexual Health Messaging Service web page.

An interesting part of the service is that you can get these notifications through some of the cruising web sites, in particular fitlads, gaydar, recon and manhunt. However, the first three of those will only send these notification messages if such messages are enabled, so I would suggest that anyone using those web sites should enable the messages right away.

Looking at the list of web sites though, I can't help wondering why ALL the gay dating web sites haven't signed up to this? Grindr and gay.com in particular are conspicuous by their absence!

Email from a guy who wants a relationship without sex

2011-07-01T19:09:00.001+01:00

About four weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

First of all, let me say that your blog is really great. It's good to see such advice in one place without all the regular nonsense mixed in. I have been reading through all of your posts, they have helped me a bit, but I have a question I was wondering if you would know more about.

My question to you would be: Is there a way of finding out if a person is interested in a long term relationship without sex?

I'm 20 and I identify as Asexual. I am one of the homoromantic types; I like other guys but not on a sexual attraction, if that makes sense? I like the look of some, and I would like to be in a relationship with one, but I just don't do sex. Masturbation is my limit I guess. My problem is that I meet a guy that I like, but then pretty much every time it ends in a messy way when they find out I do not want to have sex. I have tried so many approaches: I have just gone with the flow (which ends with the person normally getting bored with me), I have told them I am asexual during the initial meetings (most don't know what that is, or just say that I am in denial), I have also tried stating that I do not want sex early on, which never works as it either scares the other person away as it sounds like I think they just want sex when they are not, or they do just want sex and a fling.

I have read through your posts but have seen nothing that helps me in this situation. I have read the post "Is it really possible to be an asexual human being?". Although I'm happy that most that you know have ended up away from asexuality, for me I am living in the present and was wandering if you have any advice for me? Like is there a good way of having the no sex conversation and at what stage? Are there any signs to look out for that show that a person is just after casual sex when seeing them in person? My experience of the gay scene is limited. I have had no good experiences of it unfortunately. I'm also pretty rubbish at spotting a gay person or making it known that I like the look of someone; although what you have written about body language and eye contact has helped! Online attempts at finding someone also do not work for me. I guess I just sound too boring!

I really hope you can offer some advice!

I found this email fascinating because I've never thought about asexuality properly before. The point of the post about asexuality that the reader mentions was that all the people that I knew who seemed asexual were in reality just gay guys who hadn't yet come out. However, this reader doesn't seem to have a problem being gay because he's clearly tried dating other guys, so he's in a different category to the 'asexual' guys that I knew. Furthermore, the way that the email is written leaves me in no doubt that the reader is being sincere.

Unfortunately, I don't have much idea how to help this reader. All the guys that I've ever known who go on dates with other guys have wanted sex to be part of any resulting relationship, and often the sex is all they want! I certainly don't think there's any way of finding out if someone would be happy to be in a relationship without sex without a discussion on the subject, not unless they've said so in e.g. their online profile somewhere. The problem is that for every guy that I've ever known, apart from this reader, sex in a relationship is like breathing and eating. It's a natural part of life, and completely mandatory. My best guess is that there are very few guys in the world who are like this reader :-(.

I asked boyfriend T what he thought, although he wasn't very helpful:

"I've had a reader write to me and ask how he can find a gay relationship that doesn't involve sex," I ask, "do you think that's possible?"

"I've never heard of such a thing," answers boyfriend T, sounding quite surprised, "sex is a basic human need."

"But this reader is sure that he's asexual, apart from wanking on his own. He really does want a relationship without sex."

"If you ask me," replies boyfriend T, "he just hasn't met the right guy yet!"

I can't help wondering whether the reader's asexuality is just some kind of irrational fear, because if so, overcoming it would another solution for the reader. I've had a few irrational fears in my time, the biggest of which was fear of water and drowning, which for many years prevented me from learning how to swim. However, recently with boyfriend T's help I did learn how to swim, although I'm still not particularly comfortable in the water.

My only thought that might help the reader directly would be for him to advertise for an asexual relationship. So if he's looking for guys to date online then he should specify his preference on his profile. He could do the same if he ever uses personal ads in magazines. However, I don't think it's much of a solution for him because most guys want sex, so the most likely result of that strategy is that no one ever contacts him.

Does anyone else have any constructive thoughts that might really help this reader?

Update 3-Jul-2011: At the London gay pride event yesterday, I picked up a leaflet with the following two links that are relevant to Asexuality:
International Asexual Awareness week (facebook page)
Asexuality.org

Relationships with bisexual men: a cautionary tale

2011-06-01T07:33:00.001+01:00

I recently received an update from a reader who emailed me for advice almost 4 years ago. She had been living with a guy who had confided to her that he was bisexual, although he said that he hadn't acted on his feelings for men, and that he wanted a relationship with her. At the time, because of the details of their situation, neither I nor most of the readers who left comments thought that continuing a relationship with him would be a good idea. Her recent email was as follows:

Dear GB,

It's been four years since you last wrote to me and I just want to update you on what happened.

Against your advice, we still maintained the relationship because I really loved him. We recently celebrated our 6th year as a couple. During those years, I thought we were as happy as we could be. Our sexual life diminished somewhat and sometimes deep in my heart I knew that lacking passion for each other wasn't right; but barring that, we had a steady, happy relationship. I was even expecting a marriage proposal sometime this year.

However, just last night, he confessed that he couldn't control his feelings for other men any longer. He is slowly starting to accept the fact that he may be a homosexual. We've finally broken up for good, but we ended things well and are still friends. It may be 4 years too late; but at least now I am finally free to look for a man who will completely and fully love me, and he can learn to accept his real self and be truly happy.

I just want to tell you and those kind hearted people who commented on the blog that you were right. A person should be free to explore his/her true self, no matter what. I'm sorry I didn't take your advice sooner; I was blinded by love. I hope that other readers who are in the same situation will take a look at my experience and learn from it. :)

Thanks so much for giving me the advice. I reread it now and it still strikes a chord within me.

You may be thousands of miles away, but know that you have really helped changed my life. :)

Have a great day!

Lots of love,

I take no joy in finding out that our advice turned out to be correct. Anyway, let's all wish her the very best of luck in finding a nice heterosexual man who can give her the love and devotion that she deserves.

Sharing one's life with a partner

2011-05-22T09:55:00.000+01:00

I recently suggested to a friend that one of the purposes of a gay relationship was to share one's life with someone else. I was surprised to hear his response, which was that to start out with any purpose like that was prejudging what might happen, and hence inviting failure. He seemed to suggest that perhaps the starting point could be love, but nothing beyond that. For straight couples, one of the reasons for a relationship can be to have children, but for gay couples that reason doesn't really apply.

I've written before about how gay relationships should be constructed (1, 2), but those posts were more from the point of view of whether relationships need to be monogamous or not. I think that when I wrote those posts, I was assuming a situation where two gay guys do want to share their lives with each other, so that isn't the issue.

If a gay "relationship" is purely based on sex, then I reckon the two guys are fuckbuddies rather than boyfriends or partners. For two gay guys that call themselves partners, surely the idea of sharing one's life with the other guy is fundamental?

Email from a guy who's met the man of his dreams

2011-05-20T08:14:00.001+01:00

Right at the end of last month, the day before the royal wedding, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I just read your latest post about the 20 year old guy and felt compelled to write to you for advice, as I really related to his situation and thought you might be able to help me too.

While my situation is similar to his, it is slightly more complicated I think, mainly because I am even more inexperienced than him! I'm 24 and the only ever sexual experience I've had is a mutual wank with a guy in a sauna last year. Sad I know!

That said, I've had a bit of a tough time with the whole gay thing growing up, but I feel like I've turned a corner now and I'm ready to move on and build a gay life for myself. The only problem is, because I've left things so long I feel really behind everybody else in terms of sex and that makes me really nervous and insecure.

This has all become an issue in the last month for me, as I've recently met an AMAZING guy who I've been on a few dates with. And when I say amazing I'm really not exaggerating! I still can't believe I've met someone like him and I can't believe he's even interested in me. He's a few years older than me, incredibly successful in his career (in the sort of way that is both impressive and inspiring because he's done a lot for the progression of gay rights), and he's BEAUTIFUL. He's almost the man of my dreams, something that just a few months ago I never thought existed.

We've been on 3 unbelievable dates so far, all of which have ended up with us being the last people left in the restaurant, and 2 of which have ended up with hour long making out sessions on the street outside :-). While we have very nearly ended up rushing off to bed, we haven't quite made it there yet for one reason or another, and the more I get to know him the more reluctant I am to get into bed with him. He is such an amazing person that I am really worried about doing something that will jeopardize any possible friendship. But then life is also short so I think maybe I should just take the risk and go for it.

The main problem I think has to do with my insecurities. He obviously finds me attractive (he's said as much) but I worry he will be less impressed once in bed. He has been with a lot of guys (really hot ones too) so I feel like I have a lot to live up to. I consider myself a bottom and I've established that he's more of a top (although versatile) so that more or less fits. But I also get the impression that he's a bit of a cock man, as he's always joking about cocks and how they're never big enough. He himself has told me that his is 8 inches and quite thick! I on the other hand am fairly average (about 6 inches) and not particularly thick (I don't think). I've never really worried about it in the past, as I've always thought of myself as a bottom and am not really that fussed about getting blow jobs or fucking guys (I prefer to give and take respectively!) But I'm really worried now that if we do get into bed, I will (a) look really small next to him, and (b) he will be disappointed and not want to sleep with me again, and then I reckon it would just be too awkward to be friends after that.

He knows it's my first time and he thinks we should take things slow. I've also hinted that I'm not as big as him down there but I'm not sure he quite realizes my concerns.

What do you think I should do? Risk it and go for it; or back out while I can and potentially end up with a great friend? Is cock size always so important in gay sex?

To finish off I just wanted to say how much I love your blog. It has really helped me over the years and inspired me to start my own (although it is nothing compared to yours!)

Thanks and hope you're well.

It's always really good to get an email like this which says that someone has found my blog useful :-). I just wish that I had more time, so that I could blog as frequently as I used to.

When I first got this reader's email, I knew that it would be a while before I could do a blog posting for him, so I wrote back with a few bits of advice. One thing that occurred to me was that this reader seemed quite well placed to solve his own problems, because he's very self-aware. Statements like "The main problem [is] to do with my insecurities" are spot on. In this kind of situation, recognising the problem is a significant part of the solution :-).

The first thing that I told the reader was that it's quite understandable for someone in his position to be insecure, and that he just needs to build a little bit of confidence. I also said that it's not "sad" that he's had virtually no experience of sex, it's just the way that his life has worked out so far. In fact, I was a few years older than him before I had my first experiences and for much the same reason, namely that I also had a "tough time with the whole gay thing" before I finally came out.

The reader's dream guy sounds wonderful! What's more, if this guy has done stuff for the progression of gay rights, then he's bound to understand that it takes some people much longer than others to come out as gay. Indeed, someone like that should be very understanding of all the reader's issues. The fact that the reader is slightly new to gay life could well be one of the things that this guy finds the reader attractive.

Regarding the reader's concerns about dick size, I told him that in my experience lots of gay men (including me) joke it! However for most guys (again including me) it's just that, i.e. it's simply joking and fooling around. The reality is that in a real bedroom situation most gay guys really don't care. Of course there are "size queens", i.e. guys who really do want big cocks, but those types of guys are usually very shallow. I'd be amazed if the reader's dream guy is like that, but if he is, I'd suggested that he wouldn't be worth the reader's time after all. Someone like the reader who can write an eloquent email will be able to find much more suitable guys for fun and relationships :-).

In fact, size queens are usually bottoms who want a big cock inside them. I reckon that tops, and hence presumably the reader's dream guy, are much less concerned with cock size. If tops want to be shallow they're looking for tight arses!

Perhaps the most important point that I made to the reader was that he shouldn't back out, because he'll then only have the same problems with the next guy that he likes. All he needs is a bit of confidence, and if he always settles for friendship he'll never start building it. On the contrary, I told him that he should try and his man into bed as soon as possible, because activities with like-minded guys are great fun :-).

After I'd emailed this reader to give him my initial thoughts, within a day I'd received his reply thanking me. I then didn't email him until a few days ago, when I asked him if there had been any developments that I should take account of while I was writing my blog post. His reply was as follows:

Hi GB!

Things have got very complicated with the love of my life unfortunately. He is incredibly busy at the moment with different business projects that we have only managed to see each other once since I last wrote to you! :-( We did have a good chat though and established how much we both like each other. And he reiterated that he is very cautious not to rush into anything, as apparently he has been hurt in the past.

While we were in fairly regular text contact I still thought that it was getting a bit ridiculous at how little we were seeing each other so I ended up telling him off last week. I think I do believe him when he says he is just so busy at the moment but I also can't help but feel that he may be playing the field as well, which makes me feel stupid because I am being so good! I told him this and his reply was that he feels bad I feel stupid and that I shouldn't wait for him while he is so busy. He has since gone even more quiet although he does still reply to my texts in a nice way.

Anyway, I have been doing major damage control. The whole saga has made me look objectively at our friendship/relationship and decide what is really important to me. And so I wrote him a LONG email today outlining what that was - basically in a nutshell I said that having him as a friend is by far the most important thing to me because I find him so inspiring. Anything extra would be a bonus and is up to him. I am awaiting the reply but I think what might happen is that we will continue down the friend route for now. I think he is incredibly special though so I do still want him to be my first sexual encounter. Who know what will happen but I reckon if we decide that a relationship is not in our best interests he might still be willing to show me the ropes sex wise in a sort of friends with benefits way? I'm just speculating though although if that were to happen then my original concerns from my first email would still stand - i.e. is cock size really that important?

In my experience, if someone seems to be going much slower than someone else in terms of starting a relationship, then it doesn't do any good to try and hurry them. Sometimes their lack of speed is simply trying to give a message that they're not as interested as they originally were. Furthermore, although they may say that they like someone a lot, subconsciously their thoughts may be slightly different. So it can be their subconscious mind that causes them to delay meetings, because they just know that something isn't quite right for them.

Regarding the reader, the guy is saying that he wants to go slow, and it sounds like the reader is trying to push him to go much faster. My guess is that it's been the reader that's been setting up all their meetings and starting all their txt msg conversations. I didn't realise it from the reader's first email, but it now sounds to me very much like the reader has a big crush on this guy. The guy on the receiving end has probably been feeling that the reader is far too keen, far too intense about a possible relationship, so I'm not at all surprised to hear that the guy has been even more quiet recently.

When meeting guys for dates, I reckon that the golden rule is always to be cool. Given that these two guys don't have a relationship, to me it sounds very uncool for the reader to complain to the other guy about his behaviour. It also sounds very uncool to write him a long email.

So what should the reader do now? Unfortunately I reckon that he needs to start getting over this guy, because I think it's unlikely that the guy will want to have much to do with the reader in the future. The only way to salvage the situation might be to have no contact for a couple of months or more, and then to send a very short txt msg, apologising for being too intense previously. And if instead the other guy contacts the reader before the reader contacts him, then the reader should leave it at least a few hours before replying, and play it cool and casual when he does reply.

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

UK referendum on the Alternative Vote system

2011-05-05T07:47:00.005+01:00

The arguments for "Yes" in the UK referendum on the Alternative Vote system are much less stupid and the arguments for "No", which frankly insult my intelligence :-(. Even worse are the hypocritical arguments of the conservative and labour parties for a No vote, when they use the Alternative Vote system to elect their own leaders!

A royal wedding party

2011-05-03T08:09:00.001+01:00

"So," I ask, smiling cheekily at the three guys that I'm chatting to, "are you all homosexuals?"

I'm at a Royal Wedding party that's being hosted by my colleague P and his boyfriend D. Outside on the balcony, and slightly away from the main party, I'm chatting to D and two of his friends who're called S and G.

"We're all gay, GB!" answers D, laughing at my use of the rather clinical word 'homosexual'.

"Are you a 'homosexual' then?" asks S, who's the youngest guy in the group. S has a slightly irritated tone in his voice.

"Yes of course!" I answer casually, "In case you're in any doubt, that's my boyfriend over there :-)."

I point inside, through the balcony windows, to boyfriend T who's talking to my colleague P.

"Actually I'm Bi," says S, "I like both men and women :-)."

On hearing this, both D and G shakes their heads, laughing in protest.

"I think he means that he likes both cock AND dick!" says G with a big grin on his face.

"But I slept with a woman a couple of months ago," replies S indignantly.

"What about that Irish guy you told us about last week?" asks D.

"And wasn't it a Polish guy the week before that?" asks G.

"If you must know, I slept with my female cousin!" answers S, without denying either the Irish or the Polish guy, "It was OK with her, but I'm interested in men as well."

"What was her pussy like then?" I ask, mildly curious to know how far S went with his cousin.

"Actually she was clean," says S with a matter of fact tone in his voice, "She didn't taste of fish or anything like that."

"Urrgh S," says D with a grimace on his face, "you didn't actually ..."

"Well I thought she'd suck me off, so I started by doing it for her, but actually she wasn't up for that."

"Anyway," continues S, "I don't have a problem with gay or straight. In fact my father's gay."

This isn't news to D or G, but I'm taken aback by the statement.

"Wow," I reply, "I didn't expect you to say that!"

As S starts to tell me a bit about his background, the other two guys walk off the balcony and inside the apartment to refill their Champagne glasses. After a few minutes I notice that S's hand has very slowly moved up against mine on the balcony rail that we're both holding. I glance at him quickly, before moving my hand slightly away from his.

"So," starts S suggestively, catching my eye, "do you like young boys?"

Of course I most definitely do NOT like young boys, but in fact S is clearly referring to himself.

"Not too young," I say laughing, "I don't know about you, but I like my guys to be fully developed :-)".

"Well indeed," he says, looking me in the eye again, and then looking me up and down, "Actually, I've been trying to work out how, um, big you are from the size of your fingers :-)."

Although S is an attractive guy, I've been happily loyal to boyfriend T for well over a year now, ever since I got back from Thailand at the start of 2010.

"Thanks :-)," I reply to S, "but as I said, my boyfriend is next door, have you met him yet?"

Just then, D comes back out onto the balcony to rejoin the conversation, Champagne bottle in one hand and a full glass in the other.

"Have you seen my boyfriend around?" I ask D, wondering whether I should introduce S to boyfriend T, or whether that'll simply encourage S to push for a threesome. But before D can answer, S makes his excuses and moves back inside the apartment, looking mildly upset that I seem impervious to his boyish charms.

"Just now," I whisper quietly to D, "S was trying to chat me up!"

"Doesn't surprise me," replies D, refilling my glass, "Ever since he arrived in London, S has been with one guy after another. And if you believe what he said earlier, he's been with girls too!"

"Actually, although S doesn't know it," continues D, "I slept with his father before I came to London, and ..."

On hearing this I collapse into almost hysterical laughter. I feel like I'm living in some hyper-gay world, where everyone has some kind of sexual connection to everyone else, and nothing is quite what it seems. I'm about to ask D whether, in his experience, S or S's father is better in bed when a couple of other guys come out onto the balcony to see why I'm laughing so much.

"What's so funny, GB?" asks one of them.

Before I can answer, D has diplomatically changed the subject and a semblance of normality manages to assert itself. No doubt S's mother has some unusual sexual connection to G or perhaps even with boyfriend T, but discovering exactly what that connection is will have to wait!

Email from a 20yo gay guy

2011-04-25T19:08:00.000+01:00

About a week ago I received the following email:

Dear GB,

I stumbled upon your blog earlier today and I think it's fantastic that someone has sound, wholesome advice to offer to young gay men. That said, I have a few questions of my own! I'm 20 years old and a junior in college. I came out five years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school, but didn't have many gay friends or any sexual/romantic experience at all with men until I came to university. In my time here, I've done a good deal of fooling around and I spent a decent portion of my freshman year in a sexual relationship with someone that I hoped would turn into something more substantial but never did. Despite all of this, I still haven't had anal sex because I want my first time, whether it's as a top or a bottom, to be within a relationship. The extent of my sexual experience at this point only includes oral sex.

Now, for the first time, I am actually dating someone worthwhile, and not just going on one date and then acting like we're in a serious relationship or going on one date and then hooking up (things that I've done in the past), but really, legitimately just moving slowly, getting to know the other person, and not taking it to the sexual level yet. In a lot of ways, my situation is ideal. I'm young, I'm having a healthy experience, and I've been careful in my life thus far, so I haven't really been jaded by a bad relationship yet. However, the grass is always greener on the other side and sometimes, it's hard to remember that 20 is young. There are days when I feel as though that's very old for someone to be relatively inexperienced in the area of sex and relationships, especially for a gay man who's been out for five years. I don't want to push things with my new flame, as we've only been dating for a few weeks and when the semester ends in another two or three weeks, he'll be headed home for the summer, about 12 hours away from where I live, so things will sort of be on hold until school starts up again in September (if we're still interested in each other by the time he comes back). Meanwhile, I often feel that peer pressure to just have sex already, whether it's with him or with someone else. My friends are understanding of my situation and have a lot of respect for me wanting to wait until it's with someone who cares about me, but sometimes I feel like the odd man out because it's an experience I haven't had yet. It's something that I'm eager to explore, but I'm intimidated. Sexual relations are an emotional thing for me and anal sex can be especially scary for first-timers, or so it seems from my perspective! :o

In any event, I'm just wondering what your advice might to be to someone in my situation, and if I'm doing the right things?

Thanks!

Having read this new reader's email, I couldn't help thinking how level headed he is for a 20 year old guy :-). He doesn't seem to have any problems being gay, he's realises that he's still quite young, and his queries about sex and relationships are very rational.

When it comes to sex, some gay guys seem to think that if there's no arse fucking then it's not sex. However, I've never held that view. My definition of gay sex would be any activity between two or more guys where one or more of the guys cums. With that definition, I'm sure that this guy must have had lots of sex already! After all, I feel sure that as well as oral sex, his experience is likely to include mutual masturbation :-).

I've always felt that the fact that I enjoy sexual activities with other guys isn't the thing that makes me gay. Straight guys in all-male environments such as prisons may indulge in various forms of gay sex simply because they want sex, not because they're gay. For me, the thing that means that I'm gay is the fact that I fall in love with other guys. When that happens, and if my feelings are reciprocated, then I want to spend lots of time with them as well as get into intimate situations with them! In a loving gay relationship, there are so many ways of expressing that love that a narrow definition of sex that focuses on anal sex seems quite inappropriate to me.

It's also true that some gay guys don't enjoy anal sex. For the guy who takes the role of bottom, it's the stimulation of his prostate that should give him pleasure. However, I've known a lot of gay guys who don't enjoy being fucked, so not everyone finds it pleasurable.

Having said all that, anal sex is a standard sexual activity for gay guys, so it makes sense for this reader to give it a go at some point because he may enjoy it :-). But I don't see that there's any rush, and I certainly don't think that he should feel compelled in any way to have anal sex if he doesn't want to. If he does try anal sex, then the most important thing to remember is that the top should wear a condom, because it's the riskiest kind of gay sex in terms of catching nasty diseases. Apart from that, it's vital that the bottom relaxes his arse muscles, otherwise he'll probably find it very painful!

In terms of this reader's potential boyfriend, I think that it's probably worth trying to engage him in some kind of sexual activity before the summer break. Sex (my definition!) is an important part of any gay relationship, and the longer that it doesn't happen, the more likely is that the two guys will end up as friends rather than boyfriends. Perhaps the reader has been avoiding sexual activity because the thinks that his potential boyfriend will automatically want anal sex, and as he said in his email, he's not sure that he wants to do anal sex yet? Whatever the situation, two boyfriends should be able to be honest with each other, and have mature conversations about these kind of issues. They should also be able to respect each other in terms of what kind of sex they both want to have. If not, then they're probably not compatible as boyfriends.

Do any other readers have any other thoughts that might help this guy?

Email from a young straight guy with gay friends

2011-03-20T10:55:00.001Z

A couple of weeks ago, a student sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm an 18 year old student, finishing up my final year or 'a' levels at a prestigious Catholic school. I know that might not be particularly relevant, but it does seem to make this seem more personal somehow.

Anyway, for the past seven years I've had the same group of friends that I've met at school, all of which are guys cause, well it's an all boys school. Anyway, it's my final year and it seems as though every one of them is 'coming out' and I couldn't be more okay with it. I'm Catholic myself so I don't judge and I do try to be very supportive.

One of the guys though, who recently came out to me, one day started to sort of come on to me and to be honest I was freaked but I didn't panic. I just told him that I didn't go that way and something else along those lines. He seemed to accept it and I thought all was fine.

After that though, my other friends from the same clique, confronted me and said that the same friend who had come on to me before thinks I'm definitely gay and is really upset at me cause I don't want to admit it and come out already.

I was truly shocked.

When I was younger, I had a friend and he and I fooled around a bit cause to be honest, I was really curious. It didn't go anywhere cause I couldn't be more sure that I'm not interested in guys. I'm concerned though that I'm giving off some type of gay vibe or something or maybe I'm acting gay. I'm really not sure. I'm pretty average to my knowledge. I don't have a girlfriend or anything but it more cause of the fact that any girl I like seems to not even want to be around me more than anything else. That's a different story though.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to approach the situation. I know that they all think I'm gay now and I'm not as concerned about that as I am about the signals I give off. If I was gay, I'd have come out already. My parents'd be cool with it. My friends would definitely be okay with it and I'm not one to care much about what people think of me.

It's really an eye-opener for me GB. Have my gay friends' attitudes rubbed off on me? I really don't think so. Do I act gay? Not to my knowledge (not that I act all macho and 'straight' or anything) but It's just got me thinking.

I really hope you respond to this. It'd be nice to see what you've got to say.

Hoping to hear from you soon. Till then, take care, and happy banking!

Yours

The straightforward way that this student approaches his situation makes me think that he is straight, and not deluded about his sexuality at all. In the past, most of the people who've contacted me for advice have been gay guys, so it's interesting to get an email from straight guy for a change.

The mostly likely explanation for what's happened is that the student's friend has had a crush on him. When someone has a crush on someone else, they'll fail to read the signals properly. Any behaviour on the part of the student that suggested that he's straight would have been interpreted as "Oh, he's just doing/saying that because he still wants to pretend that he's straight", and any friendly behaviour that the student's friend saw would have been interpreted as gay love. The subsequent behaviour, now that the student has told his friend that he is straight after all, is simply a reaction to fact that his love isn't reciprocated. I'd suggest that the student should avoid seeing his friend as much as possible, in an attempt to let him recover from his unrequited love, and hope that the passage of time will eventually repair their friendship.

Whether the student has picked up any gay characteristics is perhaps a more interesting question, and perhaps harder to work out. The fact that the student has a lot of gay friends suggests that he's very much the metrosexual, otherwise he wouldn't fit in with them. However, I'd say that it's a very good thing for a straight guy to be metrosexual :-). I've got two straight friends who I'd put in that category, and without doubt I'd say that they're the most successful of all my straight friends in terms of getting girlfriends, wives, mistresses and new girlfriends whenever they want. This makes me think that there's some truth in the idea that a metrosexual guy is more in touch with his feminine side, and that that makes him more attractive to women. So rather than fight against this trait, I'd suggest that instead he should embrace it.

In terms of this student's gay friends, the thing that would most help would be if he could somehow find himself a girlfriend. That would underline his assertion that he's straight. Doing something for the first time, in this case getting one's first girlfriend or boyfriend, is always much harder than doing it again on a subsequent occasion. The paradox is that one of the most attractive things to a potential girlfriend or boyfriend is confidence, but when one has never had a previous relationship it's hard to be confident because one has no experience. However, another attractive attribute is being cool. Given how unfazed this student is that all his male friends are gay, I'd imagine that he must be quite a cool character :-), so I'm sure that he'll be able to find himself a nice girlfriend eventually.

Finally, whether one is gay or straight, whenever someone (of either gender) expresses interest in you it's always a compliment. Receiving a compliment like that should always be a confidence booster. So perhaps if this student thinks of recent events in that frame of mind, it'll help him find a girlfriend :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts that might help this guy?