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Stay classy, St. John's

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 16:59:00 +0000

Things to do in St. John's.

Third Place: Smoking Cigarettes
Smoking cigarettes recently slipped to third after a mild spring helped "Wearing Denim" overtake second place. It's really a pointless victory as the heaviest smokers seem to wear at least three articles of denim simultaneously. It's sort of a Serena vs. Venus Williams situation.

I've now done nine shows in St. John's, and have two tonight to finish off the trip. Paul Warford is on the show. He's a local, but his comedy is world class. And, charming as always, Bryan Hatt is the feature act. 8 and 10:30 tonight, come check it out. It's going to be a chilly evening, bring a denim scarf.

Things To Do In Newfoundland

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:20:00 +0000

This is the first 'tour blog' that I have written, and just to be extra pretentious I'm writing it from my blackberry.

The weekends here are fun. Comedy shows, then a trip to George Street to drink beers with people who I can barely understand when they're sober.

Then reality struck...

Graham: What is there to do?
Man (with accent): There's a hill you can walk up.

That's right, Sunday to Wednesday is a great time to go walking, but I don't care much for that so I checked out the Tourism Newfoundland site, it told me about all the great places to go walking.

This week, Bryan Hatt features and I emcee. Try the fish and chips.

No, YOU can't text and drive.

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 21:40:00 +0000

Ontario just banned the use of handheld devices while driving. Not a huge setback. We'll win this war eventually. Every so many years the man with the rubber stamp listens to a few people who can't drive and passes a new law.

Some countries still don't have cupholders in their vehicles because they think sippin' a Pepsi is going to send you into the ditch. The fact: It won't. What will send you into the ditch is holding the Taste of a New Generation between your legs at 80km/h.

What they don't tell you is that the day they began mass producing the Model T, some woman, or womanish man (to be fair) has been lobbying for something. in 1928 they almost outlawed toothpick-usage while driving. "Pick your teeth, pick your casket!" was the slogan. Seems silly, doesn't it? It didn't at the time. People got better at driving, and better at picking their teeth, and now nobody crashes on their way home from eating BBQ. Unless they had a few beers with their ribs. Don't drink and drive.

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 18:29:00 +0000

1. Graham will be competing in the Great Canadian Laugh Off (April 25 - May 3). Stay tuned for all the juicy details of that.

2. New video:

3. According the Discover Magazine, playing "Tetris" after a traumatic incident can greatly reduce flashbacks, a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder. Unless of course the incident involved a family member being buried under a pile of bricks.

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 04:13:00 +0000

Check out "movie reviews" for something a little different this week. We're a little bit worried about Riley.

Comedy in Brantford? Yes.

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 03:00:00 +0000

Comedy in Brantford. You asked for it. You didn't want to take a taxi out of town. So Darren Frost (comedian) and Jamie Stephens (creator of brantNOW) put together a stellar show right here in the happiest city on Earth! There are a limited number of tickets and Darren, Jamie and I are all big fans of peer pressure, so these tickets are going fast.

The show is Friday February 20 in the ballroom at the Quality Inn (664 Colborne St, Brantford) Show up as early at 7pm. The show is going to start at 9pm. Then the party is going to move down into the Great North Bar & Grill (inside the hotel.)

Tickets are $20. Contact me for tickets, even if you think you don't want any. That's your mind playing tricks on you.

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 16:01:00 +0000

Confused Intellectual: "Maybe Jesus was a woman."

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:29:00 +0000

"How do you know Jesus wasn't a woman? Men wrote the Bible, so naturally they just assumed Jesus was a man? Pretty egocentric if you ask me." New thinking from a confused intellectual.

A Message for Christians from a Realist

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:35:00 +0000

When God opens a window, you can bet there's a door somewhere that just slammed shut.

I Can No Longer Short-Change the Blind

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 23:34:00 +0000

DALLAS, Texas -- They had an official unveiling of the new American Silver Dollar; the new coin contains Braille. I won't express an opinion, as I already lack the time to address my issue with the blind using currency (it's ridiculous.) What is important is that I can no longer give metal disks to blind people and say, "you're welcome for the dollar."

Maybe they are just pissed off that we (if you can read this, you are "we") are still listening to books on tape, but the group responsible for this is pretending that the coin celebrates the 200th birthday of Louis Braille, who was sick of having things read to him.

Where is my sense of security in all of this? If I ever needed four quarters I could count on a local blind person to give them to me in exchange for a car wash token that happened to weigh an ounce-the same weight as a silver dollar-but now that security is gone. I don't want to be forced to start trading fake paper money; that's where my ethics draw the line. Besides, at this point a fake five-dollar bill would be useless, all it would fetch is five car wash tokens from one of these "street banks."

This problem is going to get worse before it gets better. I'm in the dark on all of this, and I never took the time to learn Braille.

It's Someone's Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 15:44:00 +0000

Graham Chittenden dot Com would like to wish a happy July 1st birthday to Jamie Farr, Missy Elliott, Canada, and Liv Tyler.

Jamie Farr as Maxwell Klinger

New Customer Support Center

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 18:44:00 +0000

BOMBAY - Graham Chittenden dot Com, Canada's third largest website, will be relocating its support center to the world's first largest city, Bombay, India.

Users who have a problem with this site (though glitches seldomly occur) are encouraged to call the 24 hour support line. Rather than creating a new '800' number, Graham Chittenden dot Com will share a number with Dell Computers; then when the caller is asked for the nature of his or her call, that person can say "I have an issue with Graham Chittenden dot Com." Callers will also get something for their time: A free Graham Chittenden dot Com t-shirt once the inquiry has been resolved. The caller just has to remember to ask.

Everything seems to be going reasonably well, according to GCdC employees. But, of course, with every business venture, there are some things to work out. "Granted, the phone support people are very hard to understand. Their English is, well, awful," warns Graham, but he assures, "they probably can't understand you very well either."

Also, the story about Indian call center employees having lots of group sex and spreading STDs is false; though you should read it for yourself. (full story about Indian Call Center Orgies)

New thoughts on The Incredible Hulk in movie reviews

Victoria's Secret? She's a Killer

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 21:00:00 +0000

CALIFORNIA - A 52-year old Los Angeles woman has filed a lawsuit against Victoria Secret because she claims as she was attempting to put on a "low-rise v-string" from the Victoria's Secret "Sexy Little Thing" line, a decorative metallic piece flew off the garment and struck her in the eye, causing injuries. (view full story on nbc.com)

Dangerous products should be removed from shelves, and bodily harm caused by these products should be fixed. But are those the real problems here?

Maybe people born before 1956 shouldn't be wearing thongs. Although, I guess middle-aged people have a right to conceal panty lines too. But how hard was she cramming this thong onto her body that a metal piece flew off in an upward motion, and at such a velocity that she didn't have time to close her eyes? If your thong can be described as a "Sexy Little Thing" and you are a "Sexy Medium or Greater Thing," then make the neccesary arrangements to wear clothes that will not attack you for the strain that you are putting on them.

I have lost buttons from shirts before, but I don't think they've even flown sideways before, let alone up. It's time to take some personal responsibility. Victoria Secret sold this lady a thong; she was the one who turned it into a slingshot.

My Lesbian Brain

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:02:00 +0000

STOCKHOLM - Now when my friends and colleagues tell me, "Graham, that's something a lesbian would say," I'll know why they think that.

According to a study from Sweden's Karolinska Institute, heterosexuals share a similar brain shape to homosexuals of the opposite gender.

What originated as an experiment to find out why one scientist's gay friend was "incredibly flaming," turned into a major project funded by the institute. The research had 90 people volunteer to have their brains scanned and studied. "There were very noticable similarities," said one doctor who noted that straight women and gay men have an enlarged area of the brain that probably controls sass, disdain for fat people, and the ability to enjoy Margaret Cho.

But science is just the beginning. I am looking for the social message here. Lesbians: It's time you and I started getting along. There aren't four kinds of brain anymore. There are two bodies and two brains and four possible combinations. We should get over our petty differences--you chasing straight girls and me decorating my office with pictures of girls kissing each other.A message to straight women: We're sorry that you felt proud of Rosie and Ellen for their daytime television success. It just turns out they were male brains in disguise. If it makes you feel any better, I'm not that proud of Regis.

Graham Chittenden has no medical training, nor the right to comment on any of the above topics.

Apple Launches Cheaper iPhone for the Middle-Class Douche Bag

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 17:18:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO - Apple Inc on Monday unveiled a next-generation iPhone with faster Internet, and cut the price of the phones in half.

"You will be depressed without one." Jobs said, showing off the highly anticipated encore to the device that melds a mobile phone, iPod media player and a reason to get out of bed, which will now come in black and white.

The new entry-level iPhone will cost $199 with 8 gigabytes of memory, compared with the $399 price of the older-generation phone with similar memory. "That first batch was just for consumers who need to be ahead, no matter what the cost." Apple sold 6 million first-generation phones, around the same number of people who bought laser disc players when they were released.

The new iPhone will run on third-generation (3G) wireless networks and includes satellite navigation capability, allowing the user to view which route his bus is taking, Jobs told himself in the mirror of the ladies' room, about a year after the original iPhone went on sale.

Of the 6 million phones sold to date, around 6 million have broken or malfunctioned in some way. Jobs remains confident. "The simplicity of the iPhone involves knowing that when your phone breaks, you can be sure that your music won't play either," explains Steve.

I did manage to leave the press conference with a free Apple t-shirt, which stopped working before I got home.

The Monkey Machine

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 13:03:00 +0000

Until this video was released, the human population was divided in to two groups. One group that believed the human race would be destroyed by robots, and one group that expected it to be dominated by monkeys. Nobody considered the horrific possibility that our fate could be both of those things: Monkeys controlling robots.

In the video above, a monkey has wires inserted into its brain, and those wires convert the monkey-brainwaves into electronic signals that control the robotic arm that holds food for the monkey. So the monkey uses the arm to move food to its mouth. Big deal right? Wrong. If you can find the longer version of this clip (probably already removed) you can see extra footage where the monkey uses the arm to kill the doctor who drilled into the poor monkey's skull.

Rising Food Costs Impact Local Business

noreply@blogger.com (Graham Chittenden) — Tue, 06 May 2008 01:12:00 +0000

It's more than just the cost of fuel that's rising. Costly fuel means costly produce, a crisis that hits close to home at local merchants.

Gary and Jonathon Adler have been selling Lemonade in front of their parents' ranch-style house for almost two summers now, and they're beginning to feel the crunch of higher expenses. "We haven't seen a decrease in the money coming in, we're just having to put more out," comments Jonathon, the Adler in charge of the plastic bag of money that he says, "feels a lot lighter these days."

Jonathon is the more outspoken of the two brothers who opened this business last year, but it's the other Adler brother who seems more upset by the economic woes. Gary, who handles the lemonade preparation, barely says one word during the interview, and chooses instead to sit with his head down, inspecting something he found in his nose.

When asked of a possible closure, Jonathon laughs. "We've talked about it, but it's not what we want. We're going to try a price increase first and see how the neighbourhood responds." The positive response from Jonathon was surprising on an afternoon where the brothers had only seen one sale. Gary maintains his somber attitude, even as he jumps up to retrieve a paper cup that has blown off the table to a nearby lawn.

"Things are bad, but panicking is not the solution. Our work ethic has helped us through worse times than this," says the optomistic entrepreneur who is referring to an incident last summer, when the health department responded to a complaint that Gary was stirring the lemonade with his bare arm. "At the time it seemed like the end of the world. But we shut down, bought a spoon, and re-opened better than new." Lately, life may be giving them lemons, but the Adler brothers continue to find a way to make lemonade.