After not doing too much after the start of free agency, the Bengals spent $28 million on Tampa Bay Buccaneer wide receiver Antonio Bryant for four years. I am fairly happy with this signing. Ideally, he may not have been the top wide receiver free agent that I would’ve chosen. The Bengals were (supposedly) interested in Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall, and Terrell Owens just visited town today. Of the three choices, I would have easily chosen Marshall over Bryant, and Owens would’ve been my last resort (okay, over the past few weeks I was 100 percent prepared to justify the signing of T. O. and psych myself up with having both Chad and T.O…. All I have to say is, Thank GOD).

Still, Bryant is not the recently-cut Laveranues Coles (hopefully. Knock on wood and do the funky chicken dance. Okay, I think the curse is reversed). I mean, before we saw Coles drop a bunch of passes and basically get outplayed each week, he was considered a fast, dependable, deep-threat receiver. And we got jack poop. The thing is, Coles is only 32. It’s not like he’s ancient. I just don’t get how one year Coles was a decent, number one option for the Jets, and then he came to the Bengals and just sucked ass. The funny thing is, Coles, upon leaving the Bengals, said he felt he had a “good season” (is 514 receiving yards and just generally sucking “good” for you?), despite the fact that Carson Palmer (apparently) doesn’t like throwing to short receivers, according to Coles. How about Carson doesn’t like throwing to receivers who A) suck B) can’t get separation C) can’t hold on to the ball when it is thrown to them (first possession of playoffs) D) still suck.

Bryant, on the other hand, who is 6′1″, has had one spectacular season (1248 yards and 7 TDs), one good season (1009 yards and 4 TDs), and a bunch of mediocre seasons. One caveat to those stats is that he hasn’t had a QB of Carson’s caliber, so hopefully that could be a factor. Another warning, one of the negative variety, is that Bryant struggled last season because he had lingering knee pain after he went through surgery in the offseason. I just hope the Bengals have not just bought damaged goods and that Bryant has lost his explosiveness because of that surgery (knees are kind of important in running).

AND there’s also the issue of his “antics” or “troubles.” I guess he created some problems when one of his teams (the Bucs) did not offer to restructure his contract after his one spectacular season.

So here’s the worst case scenario: we’re gonna spend 28 mil on an injured receiver who has maturity issues and has not been consistent throughout his career.

Best case scenario: he’s awesome. (simple, huh?) Okay, I’ll give you more: Bryant becomes the deep threat that we lost after Chris Henry died, he takes pressure off of Chad Ochocinco and other receivers and makes the passing game the juggernaut it once was, and there are no off-field issues or injuries.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It’s way too early to condemn or praise this signing. I would have liked to have signed Marshall because he’s way more proven, but then we would’ve given up a first round pick. Granted, I think giving up a first round pick for Marshall would have been easily worth it, but a good team really builds through the draft rather than free agency. With Bryant, the Bengals are taking a little bit more risk, but they get to keep their first round draft pick, AND it lessens the pressure to reach for a receiver in the first round. Basically, it gives the Bengals more breathing room to draft the best player — regardless of position — at number 21.

I know, I know, most people say that we should draft a tight end at no. 21, but I don’t know if that’s a foregone conclusion. If there is some stud offensive guard or defensive tackle, I’d say go for it. Tight end is still a huge position of need, but you gotta go for the best player available. Look at the Reds: They drafted Yonder Alonso, a first baseman, after they saw that Joey Votto was going to be a franchise player. Just because the kid can hit (of course now they’re looking for him to play a new position, but that’s another story).

What scares me a little bit is that we just resigned Dan Coats, who was flat out awful in the passing game. Way too many drops. But he can block okay and I don’t mind if we keep him for that purpose. But we do need someone who can catch and we have that in Chase Coffman, but we could use some more talent in there.

Overall, the Bengals took a slight chance with signing Bryant vs. trading a first round pick for the better prospect of Brandon Marshall. But the Bengals get to keep their first round pick, have a less-proven-but-potentially-very-good receiver, AND we don’t have to worry (too much, it still could happen, but I would highly doubt it) about having the T.O. circus come to town.

In addition to signing Bryant, the Bengals have also resigned defensive tackle Tank Johnson, which makes me happy and all warm inside because we should still have a good defense next year.

So the Bryant signing is a calculated risk, and it’s the one with the highest potential ceiling, but it could also bite us in the ass. Time will tell if it pans out.

My wife’s girlfriend (settle down, not that kind of girlfriend) totally scooped me on the fact that Chad Ochocinco will be on Dancing with the Stars. She got me by at least five hours. I am totally bummed. I, the Bengals blogger, the person who at one point in his life needed sharp objects taken away from him while watching Bengals games because he may harm himself or a random appliance, got scooped about the Bengals most mercurial star by… a woman.*    Yuck.

And she doesn’t follow sports!

I shall hang my head in shame.

Okay, I can’t be too down on myself because that whole story was really about reality TV, which, as a rule, I hate unless it involves the Garden State and lots and lots of hair gel and tanning.

Anyway, my initial reaction to this (aside from, “That _______ just scooped me! No she did-ent! [snaps fingers]“) was barely a shrug of the shoulders.

What, pray tell me, is even remotely shocking about this? Really. What? These are the consequences of his actions:

1) Chad won’t participate in “voluntary” offseason workouts and forgo 250 Gs. Chad hasn’t been involved in an offseason “voluntary” workout since we had a white president and “health care” wasn’t a dirty word.

2) Chad seeks more attention via media. Woopee!!! Exciting!!! Really! Wow! Chad is such a media whore, that he makes Lindsey Lohan, Octomom, and Paris Hilton look like virginal school girls.

3) Chad may harm himself while dancing… which is about the same chance of him getting hurt while working out. Period.

I have no fear of Chad getting hurt doing this show. Also, Chad is way too competitive to allow himself to be out of football shape when he comes to camp. And Chad would not have done this without Marvin Lewis’ approval.

This whole story is just one giant shrug of the shoulders for me. I could not care less. My wife wants to watch the show now, and I guess I have some mild interest in seeing Chad dancing, but I’ll be more interested in Erin Andrew and Pamela Anderson than Chad. I’ll probably tune in a few times just to see what the heck it’s about (dancing, right? with famous people? I think I’ll need to digest this theme for a little bit. It’s a little bit over my head.).

With that said, I think Chad has a good chance at winning this competition. First off, the word “competition” alone makes this a winnable event for Chad. Second, athletes have a history of doing well in DWTS because if I have to explain why then you are a moron. Third, Chad is a very creative guy and I think he could come up with some sweet dance moves.

Regardless, I just wish I could care more about this story, but I can’t. I keep looking on espn.com and nfl.com about draft news and they have this ticker slowly ticking away until The Draft (it’s at 49 days, 13 hours, 29 minutes at right about… now). It seems SO FAR AWAY. I’ll just sit here and pine away at who our first two draft picks will be, what tight end seems to be worthy of a first round pick, which receiver we should get, if we should go for a wide receiver in the first round. Free agency also starts this Friday at midnight. I’ve been going so crazy with thinking about what the Bengals should do, I have talked myself into and out of signing Terrell Owens about a hundred times (”Maybe we should get him. What if he has a career resurgence? How awesome would that be? But then we would have two prima donnas on our team… Ahhhhhh!”)

At least I have March Madness and a young but promising Reds team to keep me occupied. Let’s hope the Bengals can make the right offseason moves.

And, Chad, Mr. Twinkle Toes, go ahead and enjoy your little Dancing with Famous People. But, if you get hurt, I am going to break your… (grits teeth) be VERY angry with you. Please stay healthy. Thanks.

*Lynn, I love you. Please don’t take any of these above references in a disparaging way. You’re not a _______(not so nice term), you’re a ___________ (much nicer term). I’m still mad you beat me to the news punch, though.

Follow David Jacob at twitter.com/HoldenCarraway

So… yeah. I think the Bengals have decided that, um, instead of doing what any normal, sane team would do, they’re trying to claim players off the waiver wire… FROM PRISON (yes, the caps were necessary). It’s like that one movie with Adam Sandler and Chris Rock. You know, the one where they’re playing football in prison. The one that they totally came up with that idea all by themselves and it wasn’t a crappy remake of the original (okay, I really can’t make that assessment because I haven’t seen either… but I can just SMELL crap from a mile away).

Yeah…

Here’s the list of players the Bengals have been interested in:

- Matt Jones: didn’t play football in 09 because he was arrested for cocaine possession (we just signed him today… awesome)

- Adam “Don’t Call Me Pacman because I would actually prefer Zelda instead” Jones: didn’t play football in 09… has been arrested for assault. (That God we haven’t signed him… Yet).

- T.O.: didn’t play in 09 because he couldn’t find Buffalo on the map (wait, he did? Maybe that’s why it was so quiet this season… I didn’t hear that loud, cacophonous whining sound like nails on a chalk board of T.O.’s bitchin’… yeah…. I don’t like him). (Signing is still pending… I’m very worried).

God love Mike Brown. I mean, really, God must LOVE Mike Brown, because he’s been trying to redeem more thugs than Jesus did when he visited the Jersey Shore (Season 2 is going to be in Florida! (maybe)… and (cough) I’m not excited about that (cough) at all).

While Mikey Boy is at it, here are a few other players that we should pick up this season:

- Maurice Clarett: former Ohio State running back, and current prison inmate for ARMED ROBBERY (again, caps can be effective). He’s parole eligible… the stripes of his prison fatigues would go great with a Bengal tiger.

- Plaxico Burress: I hear he’s helping orphans in Haiti… learn how to not shoot themselves with their own handguns (important lessons in life, people. I can’t stress that enough).

- Stanley Wilson: I know, I know, he might be a little old for a running back, BUT he has several things going for him: Former Bengal who made it to the Super Bowl (with the Bengals in 89, believe it or not), great speed and body control, AND he couldn’t play in the Super Bowl because he did several lines of coke before the game. Now THAT is a challenge for YOU, Mr. Mike Brown.

Okay, to talk seriously, I’m not 100 percent against the signing of Matt Jones. He’s tall (6′6) and fast (4.37). He was supposedly turning a corner with the Jaguars before the suspension happened. This also gives the Bengals more leeway on whom to draft in the first round. They won’t have to reach in the first round for a receiver who’s not quite first-round material, and they can focus on getting the number one tight end in the draft, Jermaine Gresham (another tall, fast guy at 6′6″, but he’s also coming off an injury, which (closes eyes) seems to be ALWAYS the case (or something tainted) with the players we choose).

Still, I don’t like signing Matt Jones for a few reasons:

1. He’s white (wow, that was racist, but, really, if you’re going to pick a receiver based on race, you sure as hell don’t pick the white dudes… I mean, I’m not saying white guys can’t play the receiver position (as evidenced by Wes Welker and Chris Collinsworth), but, c’mon, you know you’re not picking the white guy if this were a pickup game).

2. He’s, um, not a model citizen (crack head!).

3. He’s still Caucasian

4. He hasn’t played in the NFL for a year, which for a receiver is not a good sign because receivers rely on timing heavily to be able to be effective.

5. He’s not a black dude (yes, I’m belaboring the point. I’m not racist against my own race, but just look at the best receivers in the game… white boys? not many).

So I don’t know about this move. Where is he going to fit in? Number 2, 3, 4? Who knows. Sigh… I guess this signing by Mike the Redeemer is about as shocking as finding out Adam Lambert is gay (no way!) or that Snookie would get punched (she had it coming to her… Jersey Shore 2 next summer! …. (and I’m not excited… at all (wait, are they going to call Jersey Shore 2 something like “Not the Jersey Shore but Some other Place Where We Can Watch Them Get Drunk, Start Fights, and Have Sex in Roughly that Order” 2… Yeah, that’s a good name).

Once again, I’m just going to have to sit back, close my eyes, and let Mike the Redeemer give it to the fans nice and real slow-like all off season.

Does anyone have any lube?

Follow David Jacob on Twitter @HoldenCarraway

Ocho cinco: My name is Chad-I-am
And I like T.O. and his hands.

Who Dey: No, I do not like T.O. and his hands
I don’t like him in Buffalo, nor in Cincy-lands.

Ocho cinco: I like him there and here,
Even though he hasn’t always been a dear.

Who Dey: T.O. is washed up,
At 36, he’s one old pup.
Last season he had 829 yards receiving and 5 TDs.
I don’t want him, no please.

Ocho cinco: But he had a QB named Fitzpatrick, Ryan,
Who couldn’t throw the ball past 10 yards if he were tryin.

Who Dey: We just got a vet receiver last year, by the name of Coles.
He didn’t do too well, check the polls.

Ocho cinco: That’s why we need him, says Chad-I-am,
We need T.O. and his hands.

Who Dey: We don’t need him, we’ve got the draft,
Where there are plenty of receivers, good at their craft.

Ocho cinco: But I’m Chad-I-am,
And with T.O. and his hands,
My media blitz will be complete,
Our tandem will be tough to beat.

Who Dey: No no no no!
Cincy fans have had enough woe!
But with redeemer Mike Brown,
He might make us look like clowns.
I say we draft Gilyard, Bryant or Tate.
I sure hope the Bengals don’t take the bait.

Follow David Jacob on Twitter @HoldenCarraway

I get a text message from my wife this morning that said roughly, “Did you hear about Rey?” And the answer at that time was no. Apparently, Rey Maualuga – starting rookie Cincinnati linebacker who was picked in the 2nd round out of USC – was arrested for a DUI in Covington, KY. He hit two parked cars and a parking meter at around 1:00 a.m. this morning.

Wow.

Two… Parked… Cars… AND…

A parking meter?

What?

Really?

I mean, Maualuga doesn’t look like a rocket scientist, and NFL players in general don’t ALL come from Harvard (Bills QB (and former Bengal) Ryan Fitzpatrick did graduate from there (nerd) and, like, maybe someone else?). But, as I take a page out of ESPN’s NFL Sunday Countdown, C’mon, Man!

This is pathetic, bad, stupid, fatuous, myopic, and whatever other adjective you may want to use from a Thesaurus.

And now let’s hear the refrain from the media and the rival fans of the Bengals:

- Bengals are all criminals.
- Bengals are a menace to society.
- Bengals are all a bunch of goddamn phonies (that one’s for you, JD).

As a fan, you want to defend your players and say, “Hey, he’s not THAT bad.”

A DUI, however, is indefensible. He’s lucky that he didn’t hurt himself or anyone else. At the lunch table today at my work, someone commented that people who make all that money should not hesitate twice in calling a cab.
But it’s not about the money.

I would venture to say that a sizable portion of people who have drank alcohol in their lives and then got into a car have thought (okay, “thought” might be a strong word in some cases, but bear with me here) one of the following ideas:

1) I’m fine, I can drive.
2) I’m probably not fine, but, what the heck, I should be fine driving.

Athletes would probably take that type of thinking (once again, too strong of a word here) to another level. Believe or not, most athletes have egos, and they feel they can do just about whatever they want physically, because they’ve been gifted with talents that 99.9% of the population does not have.

So when Rey got into his car after a few too many drinks and luckily only damaged his car, other cars, that precious ego, and his wallet (apparently it’s roughly a $50,000 fine for a DUI offense with the NFL), this is not at all surprising.

Which is sad.

I mean, it’s a problem that the world will have to deal with over and over again, generation after generation, no matter what. And I’m not saying, “Let’s just let people drink and drive without any consequences,” or not try to prevent people from drinking, but it’s tough to prevent stupidity in society.

I mean real tough.

Look at Jersey Shore. Nuth’ said.

If I were Bengals coach Marvin Lewis, I would install three things in Bengals cars: 1) Breathalyzer. 2) Stupidlyzer 3) Jolly ranchers (surprisingly tasty AND long lasting. And yes, it has nothing to do with anything. Sorry.).

So now Rey will have to make his court appearance, pay his fine, perform community service, do some public service announcements, and maybe try to find where the ducks go in the winter (ah, Salinger, his death stings me so).

The recidivism for Rey? He might wise up and he might not do it again. The recidivism for the Bengals? Please. Bengals fans have been on a decent “No Jail” streak for a while, but this harkens back to the 06 and 07 days where it would just be a matter of weeks, days, or hours before we’d find out that ANOTHER player would be a poster child for Who Not To Be in the NFL.

Now the only thing that fans have to do is shake their heads, pray this won’t happen again, and hope that next season starts soon (wait, they haven’t played the Super Bowl yet? (I’m actually excited for the Super Bowl, but I’m already ready for next season to start)).

And Rey?

Get a cab.

For the love of all things holy and not phony, swallow your pride.

Thanks.

(Follow David Jacob on twitter @HoldenCarraway)

First off, I’d like to say congratulations to Marvin Lewis for winning the AP Coach of the Year award. Even though he’s not a perfect coach (really, who is), I feel that he deserved the award. He helped turn around a team that was 4-11-1 last year into a playoff team that went 10-7.  Plus he had to lead a team that had to deal with all the adversity with the deaths of Vikki Zimmer and Chris Henry.

People could make cases for the other coaches, but, really, Marvin was the best choice. The other choices were all on teams that had winning records the previous year. The Colts coach Jim Caldwell probably was the most deserving behind Marvin because he was a rookie coach and the Colts had to break in a ton of new receivers. Still, Caldwell had Peyton Manning. I mean, it’s Peyton Manning. If he had been on the Browns, Mangini would’ve been coach of the year.

So anyway, the coach of the year accolade really means nothing, except it’s a nice gesture.  The Bengals, nevertheless, have many issues to deal with over the course of the offseason. I’ve been thinking about all these issues since the Bengals lost to the Jets, and there are many solutions to these myriad issues. Whenever I think about them, I’m reminded of Keenan Thompson’s political commentary on SNL. If there’s a problem, his solution is to FIX IT! How should people go about fixing said problems? His advice is to just FIX IT! That’s how a normal fan feels with any sports team. They don’t care HOW it is fixed, just that it IS fixed.

With that in mind, here are my FIX IT issues for 2010:

1. Carson Palmer: For many years Bengals fans could hang their hat on having a top five, Pro Bowl QB. Do we still have that? I’d like to think that, but after Carson’s performance against the Jets in a playoff game, I’m not too sure. I don’t know if Carson can reproduce his great seasons of 05 and 06, but I think he can be better and more consistent than this past season. I don’t think Carson’s inaccuracy was all his fault; other than Chad his wide receivers didn’t do a great job at getting open and/or catching the ball. But some of his throws throughout the season were off the mark. He was at his best in late game situations, and he was mediocre to bad in just about every other situation. I don’t know exactly what to do, but he needs to FIX IT.

2. Wide Receivers: I hope they kick L. Coles to the curb. He’s not a bad guy, but next year he’s going to be our #3 receiver, and he’s going to be making way more money than Andre Caldwell, our probable #2 receiver. With tight-wad Mike Brown as our owner, I have faith that Coles is as good as gone. What do we do next then? I think it’s quite obvious that we will go for a WR in the first round of the draft. It looks like we’ll be in a good position to pick up a decent one when we draft in the 20s. I doubt if we get the highly touted Dez Bryant, but I think we’ll have a shot at getting someone like Golden Tate or even University of Cincinnati product Mardy Gilyard. Either way, we need someone who can run fast, stretch the field, and catch the effin ball.

3. Tight Ends: That’s another area that they use the draft to get some talent. We do have Chase Coffman, the most prolific TD-catching TE in college history, on our roster, but he’s a huge question mark. Everyone else that we have just sucks pretty much. I hope Coats and Foschi are as good as gone. We may keep Foschi because his ineptitude is tolerable, but if they keep Coats I’m going to kick Mike Brown in the groin and then slam my elbow into his skull. I’m just sayin’.

4. Offensive line: The OL boils down to this: good at run blocking, mediocre at pass blocking. Can they improve that with the talent that they have on their roster? I don’t know, but they need to FIX IT. I’m sure they’ll pick up somebody in the draft to develop.

5. Safety: We could definitely pick up a good safety in free agency or the draft. Our safeties are good hitters, not necessarily good cover guys. They didn’t kill us too much this year, but we need to shore up some good talent.

6. Defense in General: We could always use more backup defensive lineman and linebackers, but right now those two positions are probably are strongest group of starters, behind the running backs. At least go Mike Zimmer back. That’s going to be huge for next year.

7. New Coaches: When I typed in offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski’s name into google, the second selection that came up was “Bob Bratkowski Fired.” No one wants to see him next year in Cincy, because he has as much creativity as an MTV reality producer (I got it!  Let’s do ANOTHER Real World, AND do a sequel to Jersey Shore!), yet the chances of him being fired are about as good as Barak Obama making out with Rush Limbaugh at a raucous DC party (Mike Brown likes him, which is bad news in more ways than one). Especially now that QB coach Ken Zampese looks like he has a decent shot at being the OC for Da Bears. Unfortunately no matter how much fans bitch about it, things don’t look like they’ll change. I don’t care, but they just need to FIX THE OFFENSE.

8. Speaking of Coaches: Whoever said we should challenge those two plays during the playoff game needs to be fired. I mean, right now. FIX IT!

Hopefully the Bengals will rediscover that they will need a BALANCED offense in order to consistently win games. Whatever they do, they just need to FIX IT!

(Dave wakes up, stretches his arms and legs, scratches his butt, and smacks his lips).

Yawwwwn… Hi folks, I’ve been in bed sleeping the last week. I’ve had no contact with the outside world for the past seven days. How did the Bengals do last night?

(Looks at the newspaper)

Thirty-seven to nothing! (a high pitched, effeminate screech comes out)

Wait, that can’t be right. (Checks score again. Still 37-0)

Hmm… We didn’t play any of our starters, right? (Checks the box score…)

Oh shi- (faints, falls on his ass like Chad did last night in warm ups, wakes up with a bruise on his ego).

Wait, what just happened? Oh yeah, the Bengals… “lost” last night (if you could call what they did last night was an attempt at competition)…

I (scratches head), I feel that… (sighs for an inordinately long time) I would like to say… (stares blankly out into space) I, I, I I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK!

Okay, I wasn’t sleeping for the past seven days (I wish I had). I watched exactly one half of the game, and that was only because my wife forced me to watch the last two seconds before the Jets kicked that field goal. Now – I’m only guessing – it looks like they didn’t perform much better in the second half. I’m not even going to comment on the stats (zero yards of passing for Carson! Wait, didn’t I say I wasn’t going to comment on the stats? And Chad said he was going to change his name if Revis covered him… hmm… ).

I kept thinking about this awful loss and I’ve been trying to find ways to console myself after such an ignominious performance (which is an English teacher’s way of saying they played like sh*t. But that would give sh*t a good name). One thought came to my mind, and that was a comparison of this situation – the Bengals getting whooped by the Jets in the regular season and then having to play them again 140 hours later in a playoff game – to the Simpsons episode with the Stonecutters.

Bear with me for a second.

In that Stonecutters episode, Homer Simpson desecrates the Stonecutters’ constitution (or something like that), and they punish him by chaining him to the “Stone of Shame,” a bolder about waist-high. After Homer hilariously tries to pull the chain for a few feet, it is discovered that he has the birthmark of the “Chosen One.” They detach the “Stone of Shame” and then attach the “Stone of Triumph,” which is comically three times the size of the “Stone of Shame.”

This is how I view these two Jets game.

The “Stone of Shame” = the 37-0 shellacking on prime time TV.
The “Stone of Triumph” = the much higher stakes – and possibly more arduous task – of winning the playoff game.

The playoff game will be tougher and more intense, but it could also contain some triumph, because – I know this will sound like a stretcher after last night’s game – we could win the game.

Redemption, thy name is sweet.

The Jets did kind of back into the playoffs with wins over two teams that were resting starters with the Colts and the Bengals. Years from now no one will remember that the Bengals tanked that game if they go out and win this game and then go on to win the Super Bowl (I tried to type that with a straight face…).

Still, this is a hard game to explain away and say, “The Bengals should turn it around and win on Saturday.” Every time I think of a reason to be optimistic about the Bengals and Jets game on Saturday, I hear Randal from the movie Clerks say in my ear: Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp… The sucking sound is so apropos…

Here are some of my “explain the loss away” attempts:

1. The Jets HAD to win the game + it was the last game at Giants Stadium + Bengals didn’t need this game = Loss. Look, I can understand all of those factors leading to a loss, but..

Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp…

2. The Bengals had several defensive starters out. Domato Peko, Robert Geathers, and Chris Crocker. That’s a lot of run-stuffing capabilities that we missed. But…

Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp…

3. The Bengals had a vanilla offensive and defensive game plan. But…

Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp…

4. Chad was hurt; that’s why Revis did so well against him. But…

Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp…

5. Carson Palmer played well, but the receivers let him down with the drops, and they can’t be as bad next game. But…

Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp…

Look, I don’t care if the Bengals even had their third stringers in, they should not have lost to them so poorly. Hell, the University of Cincinnati team – whom Florida dismantled in the Sugar Bowl – could’ve scored at least a field goal.

There is not much happiness in Bengal-land nowadays. I spent the weekend feeling pretty excited about the upcoming playoff game. But now I feel that the 37-0 beat down sounded the death knoll for the end of the season. It seems that it’s going to be a long, long week until 4:30 this Saturday. I feel like I’m waiting to go to a funeral. The dirt has been piled high and deep over the Bengals of 2009. The Bengals of 2010 have been eerily reminiscent of the Bengals of 2008, 2002 and the 90s. Even those Bengals teams seemed to have more fight. I don’t think I’ve ever been more ashamed to be a Bengals fan as I am now.

Where else can Bengals find optimism? I mean, seriously and realistically.

I think it can be summarized in one word: adversity.

The Bengals have gone through so much this season, and they’ve bounced back with each huge set back:
- Devastating loss against Denver, win against Packers
- Zimmer’s wife died unexpectedly, Bengals beat the Ravens
- The Bengals go down 20-6 to the Steelers, come back to win the game
- Chris Henry dies, Bengals play a very good game against the Chargers
- Bengals bury Chris Henry, they come out and win against the Chiefs

So what do the Bengals do after a 37-0 meltdown on national TV? What else are they going to do? Are they going to feel sorry for themselves the entire week? Or are they going to get angry and fight back?

The Bengals didn’t need this game and it was painfully obvious in their play. They’re not THAT good of a team to go through the motions and win a game.

The momentum of that game was all in the Jets favor, but the crazy thing about momentum is that it can swing both ways. If the defensive starters can stop all the ridiculously long running plays, if the wide receivers decide they can catch balls thrown to them, if Chad heals quickly and plays better, if Carson can spread the football around more instead of focus on Chad throughout the game, I think we have a good chance at beating the Jets.

Yes, I said a good chance.

I don’t see a repeat of Sunday night. At least, for my sake, the sake of all Bengals fans, and the sake of the casual football fans, I hope that there isn’t a repeat of Sunday. I think our players have too much pride, AND we have the home field advantage.

PLUS, the Jets might suffer from being over confident on Saturday. It’s still just one game and anything can happen.

The last thing I want to experience is another “one and done” performance by the Bengals. Whenever I hear an announcer say “one and done,” it’s like they’re spitting out the words, almost like saying a cuss word. Being “one and done” feels like they don’t even deserve being in the playoffs.

So I hope the Bengals can pull out a win. Just for the sake of Bengaldom. For whatever suffering Jets fans supposedly have gone through, they at least have a Super Bowl-winning team in their history. The Bengals have had none. I don’t think it’s their year, but I’d at least want them to get out of the first round and take a crack at the Colts.

Regardless of what will happen, I’m going to be at the game. I’ll have my Carson Palmer jersey, my Bengals hat, my Bengals poncho, and my Bengals sweatshirt on (it’s going to be cold, folks). I’ll be walking into that stadium, full of hope and nerves for a good performance by the Bengals. I’ll be standing in the stands, like I was in 05 when the Bengals lost to the Steelers, cheering my head off. It’s just one game.

Anything can happen.

Including a Bengals win.

Some dilemmas are nice. For example, what if you had to choose between dating Megan Fox and Jennifer Love Hewitt? That’s a tough choice. Do you go for seductive, “I could kick your ass and you would like it” sexy? Or the cute girl next door with the nice… tracks of land? I face those kind of dilemmas everyday (Aren’t you married, you ask? Ha ha, I say. Oh wait, yeah, I am. Damn. I mean, I love you, my wife!).

Other dilemmas are not so nice.

The dilemma for the upcoming Bengals-Jets game is simple but the answer is anything but: Should the Bengals play their starters or sit them?

Let’s take a look at both sides of the issue:

“Sit their butts down”
1. The game is as meaningless as a Rob and Big episode for the Bengals, but not quite as funny. We have a playoff spot already wrapped up and the Patriots will probably beat the Texans anyway, so the game will be even more meaningless.
2. The Jets have a good pass rush and a good overall defense. Why risk harming any players when we’re guaranteed a playoff spot? Do you want to see Carson get hurt in a game that means nothing for us?
3. The difference between being the No. 3 seed and No. 4 seed is negligible. If we’re the No. 3 seed, we’ll face the Chargers on the road in the second round (assuming we beat the wild card du jour in round one). If we’re No. 4, we’d face the Colts (assuming… yadda yadda yadda). What happens if we beat the Chargers/Colts in the second round with the No. 3/4 seed? We’d then most likely face the Colts/Chargers in the championship game. Or even New England. Do you see the problem here?
4. Our win against the Jets could mean that the Steelers make the playoffs (!). Bengals win… Steelers make the playoffs… (arugh)… Hold on… (deep breathing)… (alrup)… BLARHAALRALALFJALAAHALLLL!!! Sorry folks, I couldn’t keep the upchuck down. Lots of Bengals fans like to say, “Steelers are bad Steelers are bad ha they suck oh yeah Steelers are bad.” Ask those same fans if they would want to face them in the playoffs (flashback to 05 playoffs, Palmer going down in agony, Bengals collapsing, a few tears shed). *Shudder* Yep, that’s what I thought.
5. We’d still probably only have one home playoff game no matter what. There is no way for us to get a home playoff game in the second round. We could get a home playoff game if the following happens: we’re the number three seed and we beat the Chargers in the second round and the Patriots beat the Colts. The chances of that happening aren’t miniscule, but they aren’t great either.

6.  Facing the Jets twice:  If we lose to the Jets, playing starters or not, we could face them in the first round of the playoffs.  Why give them more film to prepare with?

“Let them play”
1. Carson Palmer said they should play everyone. Palmer is the leader of the team, more so than anyone else. It’s hard to ignore him.
2. Momentum: The Bengals have lost two of the last three, and they haven’t looked very good overall for five of their last six games: Raiders, Browns, Lions, Vikings, and Chiefs. I mean, I even left the Chargers game off the list where we looked horrible for the entire 3rd quarter, and we LOST, but for some reason during that game I thought, “We look like a playoff team.” It would be a good ego boost for the team to go out and slam the door on the playoff hopes of another team. I would like to have better feelings about the Bengals for the first game of the playoffs.
3. Prime Time Game: Not that this really matters, but the game has been flexed to the Sunday 8:20 game. If the Jets win, they’re in the playoffs no matter what, and it’s against a team with a good record and some stars, so it was an easy decision for them to make to change the game from 1:00 to 8:20. I really wouldn’t want the Bengals to be embarrassed in a prime time game, but that “embarrassment” doesn’t really matter if we go and win our first playoff game. Still, the Bengals haven’t had any prime time games, and I wouldn’t mind sticking it to the Jets and pretty boy Mark Sanchez.

What if they play their starters and they lose?

Gulp.

Okay, it’s not the end of the world, but that would add fuel to the fire of “Bengals aren’t that good.” The Jets do have Darrelle Revis, who is the best shutdown corner in the league now, and I don’t know if we can mount an effective attack with Chad being shut down. Granted, that’s not to say that Chad can’t beat Revis on a few plays, but it’s going to be tough for us if the other receivers don’t step it up.

There have been thousands of articles written about “Rest vs. Rust” when gearing up for sports… I mean, a playoff game (shameless plug for the website, I know). Take a look at the Colts and their history. Twice the past decade they’ve rested players because they had a playoff spot locked up. Twice they were ousted in the first round. Still, I don’t buy the whole “rust” idea. At least not completely. If you have just played about four months of professional football and you rest for a week or two, you’re then supposed to be “rusty”? I don’t know about that. You may not be as sharp in the first drive, but, really, C’mon Man!

Look, the only thing that matters is players making a play. It’s as simple and clichéd as that. All this B.S. about “Rust vs. Rest,” or “History says this or that,” means nothing when the players are on the field. When Peyton Manning drops back for a pass, does he stop and say, “Wait a second guys, I need to check what the history books says should happen at this down and distance”? Hell no! Everyone wants to explain a win or loss away with drivel like, “They’re rusty.” Or, “History says Manning can’t win in the cold weather.” Or, “My butt itches; that’s why they lost.”

Ultimately, anything said or written doesn’t matter if the Bengals lose in the first round. Anything can happen in any playoff game. I mean, look at the Cardinals who had exactly zero momentum going into the playoffs. They made it to the Super Bowl. Who knows what the Bengals will do?

Nevertheless, it’s a tough call. On one hand I’d say rest the starters, but on the other hand I really would like to see them play and put together a good game before playoffs, whether it’s for the third seed or not.

If I had to make the call, I’d say you should let them play.

I don’t like the philosophy of playing scared, where you think that if you leave your players in a meaningless game, they’ll get hurt. But they can get hurt on any play of the year. Even in the first quarter of a game that you know you’re going to take the guys out of early. Herman Edwards, if he will be remembered for anything, will be remembered for his rant of “You play to win the game.” Even in a “meaningless” game, I think you should play to win the game. Don’t play scared. If Carson goes down in the fourth quarter of the Jets game, yeah I’ll be pissed, but I won’t blame Marvin Lewis for keeping him in (unless it’s a blowout loss/win, THEN I’ll be pissed, but Marvin wouldn’t keep him in then). I believe that teams should uphold the integrity of the game and not treat players like China dolls.

I’ve got a feeling that the Bengals will play most of their starters for the entire game, with the exception of Cedric Benson who might see his carries scaled back a bit. We shall see what happens.

To say we won ugly is to give ugly a bad name. This win was as ugly as it gets. But I’ll take it to win the AFC North. Accepting this win, however, is like accepting Ugly Betty’s uglier 2nd cousin – who has two teeth missing, the rest are the color of piss, has facial acne that resembles the side of a craggy mountain, and speaks with a high-pitched voice – as your date to the prom. Sure, having a date sounds better than nothing, but you open the door to IT and you’re like, gross.

A year ago if you told me that the Bengals would be AFC North champs after going 4-11-1, I’d be ecstatic. I’d be jumping up and down all over my house and doing an awkward jig and possibly the Truffle Shuffle. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still happy, but the Bengals’ play still leaves a lot to be desired. I guess after your team starts to win more consistently you get spoiled. You want more. You want a blow out win every weekend. Unless the team is crushing other opponents you’re never happy.

You could look at the Bengals poor performance several ways:

1) The Chiefs aren’t AS bad as people say they are. They’ve been playing better lately with Jamal Charles turning out to be a really good running back. Their defense played pretty well.
2) The Bengals didn’t play well because it has been an emotional week and a half, with Chris Henry’s funeral. They had to fly back from San Diego on Sunday night and then fly to Louisiana on their normal day off on Tuesday. It was a tough week for them.
3) The Bengals play down to their competition.
4) The Bengals are really that bad.

I’m throwing out number four right now. I’d like to think that I’m a realistic fan (usually), but I just don’t think they are the team that we saw on Sunday. I think it was a combination of numbers one through three.

Many plays were left on the field due to lack of execution and some very close misses. Even still, there were some ugly, ugly, UGLY sequences in the game. Here are a few:

Ugly Sequence #1: On a 3rd and 1 play, the Bengals do a quarterback sneak to gain a first down. However, unbeknowst to the team, Marvin Lewis calls a time out a split second before the snap because he thought the team was in an illegal formation. No flag was thrown, though. If he hadn’t called for a time out, it would’ve been good for a first down. On the next play, the Bengals are called for a penalty to make it 3rd and 6 and we end punting. Awesome.

Ugly Sequence #2: The Bengals recover the ball after the Chiefs punter misses the snap. So it’s first and goal for the Bengals. On second down, Palmer throws a pass to Chad in the endzone, but it’s eventually called back because his heal barely touches out of bounds before he catches the ball. After the Bengals receive a gift of a first and goal at the five, they end up kicking a field goal. Pathetic.

Ugly Sequence #3: All of first half. The Bengals had 53 TOTAL yards on offense in the first half. Palmer had 10 yards passing in the first half. What the EF? Seriously, if we play like that in the playoffs, we’ll be one and done.

Ugly Sequence #4: TE J.P. Foschi. After catching 7 passes last week, he had two drops this week. Man, aside from wide receiver, the Bengals need to make sure to go after a tight end in the draft next year.

Some positives:

- Coles isn’t worthless. He actually led the Bengals receivers in yardage and had a TD. I’m glad I didn’t write him off after the Vikings game (wait, I did write him off? Eh, whatever).
- Cedric Benson: broke away a huge run in the fourth quarter to help us out. He had his sixth 100 yard game for this season. Good job Benson.
- Carson Palmer: Hey, he threw an interception, but he’s clutch when he has to be. Driving the Bengals 98 yards for the game winning touchdown, that’s not bad. Still, I wish he could be more consistent throughout the game so he wouldn’t have to do that.

-  Tribute to Henry:  After Chad catches the game-winning TD, he holds up the numbers one and five with his fingers as a tribute to Chris Henry.  This is weird to write this, but Chad has shown to be one of the classiest guys in the league.

-  Interceptions: the Bengals had three INTs.  The defensive backs did a good job overall today.

-  Michael Johnson: He had a sack and a pass defensed.  He had a great game.   With that said, we need to put more pressure on QBs.

Point of concern:

- Rey Maualuga broke his ankle and probably is done for the season. I like our backup linebackers with Brandon Johnson and Rashad Jeanty, but Maualuga is a starter for a reason. It’s a shame for him and for the team.

Bengals-Broncos Playoff Game?

- For now, the Bengals could play the Broncos in the first round of the playoffs. Of course, the AFC playoff picture is more muddled than a bowl of alphabet soup as seen by a dyslexic monkey. I like our chances against the Broncos.

Bengals and Jets Next Week:

- The Bengals still have a shot at the number 3 seed, so they’ll put their starters in next week against the Jets, who are fighting to get in the playoffs. It’ll be an interesting game with the Jets having the best pass defense in the league, and the Bengals have the most inconsistent pass offense in the league. We’ll see what happens.

The biggest question this week for the Bengals is this: How will they respond?

The team just came home yesterday after almost the entire organization paid their respects at Chris Henry’s funeral in Louisiana. So, while they have the untimely death of their teammate on their minds, they have to regroup and try to win the next game against the Kansas City Chiefs to guarantee a berth in the playoffs and a home playoff game.

Most people are predicting that the Bengals will win against the Chiefs. And why not? Last game the Chiefs gave up 350 yards rushing to the Browns, 286 of those was to Jerome Harrison. Do you think that Cedric Benson and (especially) Larry Johnson aren’t salivating to pound the rock against them? Cedric will most definitely start the game, but I will be surprised if LJ doesn’t get at least 10-15 carries against his former team.

Even though the Bengals having a good rushing attack and the Chiefs having the #31 rush defense, I hope to all things holy that we don’t ignore the passing game. I’m glad they came out and aired it out against the Chargers, but they will need to continue to do that, even against the Chiefs. I absolutely hate whenever a Bengal says, “We’re a running team now.” I understand that a rushing attack helps control the clock and is a safer offensive philosophy than flinging the ball all over the place. Still, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that the most effective offense is a BALANCED offense. If you look at the current playoff teams, the Bengals have the best rushing attack, but the worst passing attack. The Colts, Chargers, and Patriots all have great passing attacks, but suspect running attacks. I wish the Bengals would see that they could have the most balanced teams in the AFC playoffs.

Anyway, the question still remains about how the Bengals will respond in a game that is pretty much a must win. If the Bengals lose and the Ravens win, the Bengals will have to win against a Jets team that has the number one pass defense. I don’t think my heart can take that situation. I might just black out.

Under Marvin Lewis, the Bengals have a history of choking in games with playoff implications. To wit:

- 2003: the Bengals lose the last two games to miss the playoffs.
- 2005: After clinching a playoff berth, the Bengals lose the next three games, including the playoff game against the Steelers
- 2006: The Bengals lose the last three games of the season, when all they had to do was win just one to make the playoffs. This losing streak included a missed extra point to send a game to overtime against the Broncos and a missed field goal to win it against the Steelers.

Bengals fans have gone through this heartbreak before. But no one on this Bengals team has experienced a season quite like this. They’ve gone through a lot, haven’t they? Here’s a short recap of the tumultuous season:
- Fluke catch by Brandon Stokley causes Bengals to lose the opening game against the Broncos.
- Fluke onside kick catch by the Packers almost causes a second loss.
- Bengals convert two fourth down conversions in the last minute on their way to their first win against Ben Roethlisburger in Ohio.
- Defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer’s wife dies unexpectedly
- Fluke fumble by Andre Caldwell against the Raiders causes the Bengals to lose.
- Bengals lose best defensive play Antwan Odom for the season
- Bengals lose starting safety Roy Williams for the season
- And, of course, Chris Henry’s passing away, and that was after he had broken his arm and was lost for the season.
- Losing to the Chargers after the death of Chris Henry on a last second field goal.

And now they just returned from a funeral and have Christmas coming up. Can the team refocus and beat a team they should beat? I think they will. I think all this stuff that they’ve gone through has made them a stronger team and will only help them with a deep playoff run. Still, as any Bengals fan will tell ya, there is a lot of nervousness going into this game. Hopefully the team will come out strong and put the game away early. I don’t want to go through a nail-biter.