The Colt’s final preseason match-up with the Bengals was like that old Beatles song or Bible verse (I get Jesus mixed up with Paul McCartney).  “To everything turn, turn, there is a season, turn turn”.  For the Colts 2nd and 3rd stringers this season may not be the one in which they will turn it on out there on the turf.  Instead they may find themselves churned through the practice squad mill, where players evidently bounce from team to team waiting for their dream to come true with some franchise next year.  I had no idea that these practice squad guys got passed out around like a joint at a Phish concert until the commentators mentioned so-and-so who played for this practice squad and so-and-so who was a free agent looking for a spot and so on.  Obviously I haven’t made it a habit to watch many preseason games.

Game 4 in preseason is more for the coaches than for the fans in Indy, period.  It gives them time to see who’s got the marbles to go out and defend or who could royally screw up a season (enter 3rd string wide receiver John Matthews who manages to not only avoid catching the ball, but when he does get the ball in his hands it’s as if he is afraid it might be contaminated with swine flu–it is pigskin of course–and therefore sends it flying high into the air).  These amateurs are interesting to watch, the starters get to rest up, and the hard questions need to be answered at this point.

If (think about it) there was a “The Day After Tomorrow” scenario and the Colts starters and most of the 2nd stringers were stranded in Minnesota due to a new Ice Age or they were trapped in a hurricane/tsunami in Miami and the President asked the 3rd string and half of the 2nd string to play a game to help Americans get through the crisis, would we win?  As I look at the score 31-7 Bengals in the 3rd, I would have to say no to that scenario.

But other more serious questions can be answered—yes Sorgi will remain the second string QB and many of the other 2nd stringers are looking good on special teams, so they won’t just be sitting out, although tonight was all about the 3rd string which turned out two stand-outs on each side of the ball.  Cornerback Jacob Lacey grabbed an interception and created a fumble and 3rd string Running Back Lance Ball looked good offensively, though he has nothing on Donald Brown.  Thirdie Jamie Petrowski (who is supposed to be there for Dallas Clark or the other Tight Ends ahead of him in the case they get injured) managed to get injured himself.  Oh and Caldwell is growing an interesting mustache that he can play with while he is pondering who to keep on and who to kick off.

But MOST IMPORTANTLY I get to utilize my depth chart that I got at the Colts v Eagles games and while perusing the chart, I realized I also have the Eagles depth chart to use while I am analyzing the Eagles game (which is actually a pretty tight game in the 4th against the Jets).  Best of all when I am finished, I can frame the chart because it has Michael Vick on it as 3rd string QB!!!! Oh and for all of you that think he hasn’t got punished enough, think of how awful it must be to be in that 3rd string bracket after the likes of someone named Adam DiMichele.  Who the hell is he?

Okay now if you’ll excuse me I need to look at the Eagles depth chart more closely and watch Vick as he is out on the field right now.  This by no means means that I am not a diehard Colts fans, only that I have no idea what goes on in that head of Caldwell just yet, although I think when he rubs his mustache, he is happy with what he is seeing out there.  Andy Reid is much easier to read, shakes his head=ticked off, nods his head=happy.  Caldwell sure is one mysterious dude, I am starting to dig him.

The Indianapolis Colts refer to their fans as the “12th man”.  But be you the 12th man or woman it is time to thank you all.  Before Manning made his debut here in Indy, it was not uncommon for games to be blacked out here in Indy due to the franchise being unable to sell out tickets.  In these tough economic times, many fans of other franchises are facing just that possibility–blackouts of games that are not sold out.

An article by Jay Mariotti, entitled

“Greed Reigns With NFL’s Blackout Policy”

can be found here: http://jay-mariotti.fanhouse.com

This article is definitely worth a read as are the comments to the NFL’s policy on blacking out games that are not sold out.  According to Mariotti

“the Jacksonville Jaguars, San Diego Chargers and at least 10 other franchises are facing potential blackouts this season. It’s possible the Jaguars, caught in the teeth of a poor economy in northern Florida, won’t sell out any of their home games, which might jeopardize the local future of a team that always has been rumored to be headed elsewhere. That would be eight games the people won’t see, distancing the city from its team and primary national identity. The reason the NFL has a blackout rule is to spike ticket sales, but in a financial crisis, it’s Goodell’s duty to ease up on the consumer blackmail. So far, he remains blind to it all, even with trouble spots all over his map: Minnesota, Oakland, San Francisco, Detroit, St. Louis and Cincinnati among them. Imagine if the Vikings and Chargers play in the Super Bowl next February, not beyond possibility, after a season in which games were blacked out in their towns.”

Colts fans are not worried thanks to the dedication of die-hard ticket holders that wouldn’t give up their seats for any amount of money (unless of course they were extremely intoxicated, though even then it would be a difficult trade).  So all you 12th men and women out there, give yourself a pat on the back—thanks to you even people without cable can maintain a life during football season, at least and not be forced to listen to the radio or head down to local bar or B-Dubs to watch the game.  But for those of you that don’t buy tickets, you’re not completely off the hook.  Make sure to pick up some Colts gear here with all the money that you are saving by not purchasing tickets and by holding parties at home instead with some chips and dip, chili, and beer.  Gear and beer fans, Gear and beer.

Many of us football aficionados know that the NFL preseason is just that; preseason.  But by about game 3 in, satire and sarcasm need to be put on the shelf momentarily and real stuff needs to be discussed.  Yes, the Colts lost to the Lions by a 1 point margin.  This tells me two things; #1 They got one more point than us, not 10 or 20 and #2 Maybe the Lions WANTED it more.  By “wanted” I mean that I have a theory and it is backed by evidence that the Colts are pretty much locked in on who’s going to play and who’s going to play as part of the practice squad.  We know who’s second and third string and who isn’t anything (at least for this year).

The theory of the Lions wanting it more is simple: they were not only competing with us, they were competing amongst themselves for positions  within a team that didn’t win a single game last year, it’s not jumping to conclusions to think that there are more spots to fill and more things to prove on their end.  So don’t get your horseshoe imprinted boxers in a knot just yet, I saw some good things out there.

First off, let me say that while watching Sport Center the theme of the Colts v Lions game was “Defense has Issues”.  That is inaccurate and something I could have agreed with last year, but whatever.  If they had noticed that the O-line however was weak, then I would have freaked!  But the line is looking healthy and most of our rookies are comfortable out there.  The Colts Defense rocks (whatever Sportscenter!)

The most rocking new defender is 3rd string Middle Line backer Mike Tauiliili, this guy is a monster!  Not only did he push the Lions back when they were breathing on the goal line once, the man did it twice!  Nice!  I must also add as far as defense is concerned; Dwight is tight (as in Freeney at Right End) and the rest of the vets are doing fine on the line and behind.

As far as offense goes, Curtis Painter is putting some pressure on IR-ed Jim Sorgi, Painter as a QB is impressive and he is probably averaging about 18 hours of sleep a week if that, wondering if he will make it to 2nd stringer or practice squad that remains to be seen.  AJ Feeley is most likely heading to the practice spot at QB and so is the moron who not only didn’t catch the ball but somehow sent it up into space; John Matthews who was once a 3rd string WR to Wayne and now is playing the violin strings.   Pierre Garcon can turn it on at 2nd string to Reggie Wayne and with Donald Brown and my guy Joseph Addai, no fear on the offense.

So Colts fans, have no worries–Polian and company are working out some kinks and come regular season (and I’m not lyin’) we’ll put Detroit into the same depression they were in this past year.  But, hey we threw em a bone, no harm in that.

Yes it is true, Communists are not prescreened and turned away at the ticket counter at Lucas Oil Stadium!  I know this because I just went to the Colts v Eagles game and was allowed in.  To be clear what I mean by Communist is that I like for everything to be free and anything that must be paid for is just Fascist and unacceptable.  And no my Liberal Arts college did not turn me into a Commie, it was afterwords when I got the bill for my overpriced education and thought Holy Marx! I could buy a house with what I owe and a nice one even.

But this is cool, when I got my free ticket I was overjoyed.  I had never seen the state-of-the-art new Lucas Oil Stadium and it had been awhile since I had gotten a free ticket to see a game at the old stadium (oh yeah if it’s not free I’m not buying thanks to that little old lady Sallie Mae).  I was ready to go– donned in my pink Colts hat that I had got from some guy that was mad at his girlfriend and gave me a bunch of her stuff….score!  The boys were wearing their Colts stuff that had been given by the guy that makes my life miserable every year-Santa.

Anyway we were looking good and feeling even better until we got there to see the signs– $20 parking– everywhere and when I mean everywhere I mean within a 20 mile radius of the stadium.  Fascists!  I even tried to strike a deal with some of the shadier looking parking “attendants” until I remembered that I didn’t have a key to lock the door and the last time I parked in one of those shady areas a bum slept in my van and possibly peed in it too or he just smelled really bad.  But I am for bum’s rights since I am a Commie-so Viva La Bums!

So once parked the kids and I took advantage of all the great free entertainment and anything that we could get without having to pay for it.  We ended up with a Colts bag and some trail mix, not bad.  The boys also got front row during the free entertainment time when a few of the Colts Cheerleaders came bouncing in to dance in front of them FOR FREE.

I had gotten over the parking price by that time until we walked by the vendors (and of course I expected this) but $6 for a drink $8 for a hamburger, draft beers for $7.50, etc… With what I had left after paying to park I had enough for us to share a drink and buy 2 pretzels for the boys. So the trail mix would have to due until halftime.

We were still excited to get to our seats in the terrace which is French for “all the players look like ants fighting over a tomato seed”.  So I dug it for awhile and had no choice since I was dizzy from the altitude and the ensuing nosebleed.  We saw Peyton put on a show–at least we are 99% sure it was him and the offensive line looked a heck of a lot better than last week (or the ants in the front did not let the enemy ants get their tomato seed).

After I caught my breath and my ears stopped ringing, the Commie in my took over.  The boys were hungry and we went to get their dinner of hard pretzels and a coke (REGULAR coke) to share.  After going back up to our seats with an 8 year old scared to death of heights, we sat down, I sipped the coke and realized it was Diet.  RIOT!  I went back down the slippery slope to the coke capitalists and complained…#1 I had to walk all the way up and down 2 times with a heightophophic to find out I had drank aspertane as did my 5 year old who did not know he was allergic to aspertane until I invented the allergy at that point. #2 Did I look like I needed Diet? rude

So the floor manager was more sympathetic when I rattled off all of the possible scenarios if my son were to have a reaction to the diet coke, my son seemed more excited than scared about this and the manager seemed more well “onto me”.  Never-the-less we got vouchers for free food; food FOR FREE, right on.

I was inspired so we moved from the 600 section halfway down to the 300 section where we could see–it was great!  We became even more bold as the game went on and ended up on the front row and I didn’t even have to use the “this is my son’s dying wish line”.  AWESOME!!!  From there we really did get to see some great plays and Reggie Wayne pointed at us when we screamed “YOU DA MAN”!  So now we’re like his “dogs” and stuff.

Oh and I even filled up a notebook full of actual game-related stuff that I may share with you at a later date, however said notebook may be confiscated in the event that it may be construed as “The Communist Manifesto Part II”.

disclaimer: no children were harmed in the making of this “episode”, they’re used to it….

ALSO I do not endorse not buying stuff, buy stuff by all means, but if you buy do it here- get Colts gear from Gearupforsports.com!

In the Spirit of the film V for Vendetta (and make no mistake, we Colts fans have a vendetta from last year’s Playoff loss to the Chargers in OT) I have been inspired to alliterate using the letter “p” for vendetta, specifically “p for past playoff post-season penalty vendetta”.

The speech that inspired this post goes like this “The only verdict is vengence; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.  Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose”.

Here is my speech:

Pretending that Peyton is not panicking partially because pass protection is poor would be perilous and it must be pronounced and pointed out.  A prompt prevention of Peyton being sacked is proclaimed as a needed part of the program and a prolific part of practice.  Please protect Peyton! Perfect adherence to the principle of pass protection is the positively only procedure by which players will prevail and a perfect season will present itself.  Playoffs are projected only if Peyton is protected and prominence and pleasing play are part of what we pay for.

Okay, so this is in way as cool as what was said in V for Vendetta, but I gave it a try anyway.  Some other notable “p’s” that were part of the preview include Pointer, who was most productive at QB and the flag-happy referees who got to practice their penalty motions.  Ronald Brown proved himself at the RB position, presenting himself as fast and powerful.  There are a plethora of injuries as well and predictions are that these players will be able to get out there at some point in this season, though Irsay was not positive as to when.

The Colts preseason loss to the Vikings is not totally pitiful, but the season will be painful without pass protection and though we do not have a Vikings vendetta, we do have a post-season play-off point to make.  Peyton and fellow players will prevail and make it to Superbowl.  This is a preseason promise.

Monday in the quaint city of Terre Haute Indiana was by most accounts the busiest day in the city’s history in terms of bottom-feeding fans flooding there to get autographs from Colts players on opening day of Training Camp.  Now don’t take “bottom-feeder” the wrong way fans, unless of course you are the type of person who also traveled to Terre Haute for the execution of Timothy McVeigh, just for “historical memories”.  If you are a diehard fan, than more power to you BUT-I am not pointing the Styrofoam #1 Colts finger at you, but what is the deal here?

Do you not understand the dire nature of what could ensue if Manning is required to sign autograph after autograph?  That wrist is the family jewels of the Colts team.  Asking him to sign all of these autographs is like asking you to play Dodgeball with golf balls and no “athletic supporter”.  Too high risk.  Let him rest the wrist!

Can there be some sort of sifting process by which only true fans can get autographs, therefore at least alleviating some of the danger involved with Manning possibly getting carpel tunnel?  It can be as simple as a Facebook quiz, whereby only the top 72 percentile of people correctly answering Manning related questions get the autograph.  Now this is coming from the same person, who took their boys out of school to get Gary Brackett’s autograph when he was at a local McDonald’s BUT, that wasn’t the first day of Training Camp.  And yes I would do some crazy things for autographs and certainly have, BUT—you get the point.  As Denzel Washington said in Meet the Titans “let the boys play!”

I have a solution for this issue-simply buy Colts Gear here on this website and by all means go watch the Colts practice in good ole’ Terre Haute.  But, let them practice and being that Monday was also opening day for my two sons’ football league and I shut up for that, anyone can do it.  Well, I am actually required by a signed written contract to be quiet, but that is another story.

Yet another idea that might make Manning and everyone else happy is instead of asking for HIS autograph, offer him YOURS.  Tell him you are the most awesome, loyal, and considerate fan ever and sign a napkin from Applebee’s or something.  Playing QB is hard work, people and Peyton needs a laugh and plenty of practice time and better him laughing now than all the other NFL teams laughing at us later—and then your autograph, oh dear considerate fan, would be worthless.

So, I have been sitting back this week, taking the “pulse of Indy” so to speak when it comes to Michael Vick.  My conclusions are that:

A. Indianapolis Colts fans stay loyal beyond retirements, scandals, and prison stays.  In other words, since our beloved, retired Coach Dungy has mentored Michael Vick and given him the green light, we must agree with him.  Vick is okay now and we cannot understand why everyone else in the nation does not get that.

B.  We don’t need another quarterback and the mere suggestion that Dungy made as to Vick being a good fit for Indy is about as terrifying as suggesting an Al Qaeda member should tour Lucas Oil Stadium just to check out it’s “architecture”.

C.  To avoid heated arguments as to Vick’s ahem “behavior”, it is in no way kosher to talk about dogs at all, instead talking about cats is the cool way to diffuse the situation, more specifically, wildcats and the wild-cat formation.  Although this is so *expletive* annoying, if someone says “wildcat” one more time, I’m turning Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.   Say wildcat one more time!  Do they speak English in wildcat? and so on…..

D.  In referring back to B and Dungy’s suggestion, I have no idea what planet I am on….the Indy Star interviewed Dungy and his answer to Vick coming to Indy was “I think Indianapolis would be a great spot in a lot of ways — with Jim Caldwell being there, Jim Irsay, the type of city it is, the type of locker room it is,” he said.  So what type of city is Indy exactly and what the hell goes on in the locker room?  What does that mean?  and most importantly why don’t sportswriters in Indy get their interviewees to elaborate on their answers?

E.  Maybe just maybe Dungy meant that things are crazy and confusing with the coaching changeover and Vick might be able to help.  I mean if he can handle a wild pack of angry dogs, maybe he can help coach and control the Colts players during this transition.  Wow did I really just say that? Hmm, I did.

F.  On a more serious note, I can see where Dungy is coming from.  Michael Vick does have talent and it would be a shame to waste it, more importantly it would be a waste of a life; another African-American ex-convict struggling to get past his past and reintegrate back into society.  I can dig Dungy’s concern.  However, prison time may have given Vick the time to hone in on his writing skills and he may be able to bounce back with a book or movie deal of some sort.  “The Truth About Wildcats and Fighting Dogs” or “Must Hate Dogs” are good titles for this.  OK, F really wasn’t that serious at all.  When we can actually get back to football and away from speculation and the NFL soap opera, then I’ll get serious.

One thing can definitely be said about Colts fans, we are a (mostly) optimistic bunch and hope for a Superbowl send-off each and every year, even before Training Camp has gotten underway.  Give the blue crew some info from what is considered the segue into Training Camp; “organized practices” and these fans have already mapped out the entire season and see a Superbowl win as definite.

BUT, there are always buts and those tend to get overlooked for the overzealous and sometimes superstitious fans that can turn “fair-weather” pretty quick and then come back when the fall breeze feels good again.  I am an no way knocking fans, all I am saying is that once you have proven that you can win a Superbowl, your city and state expects nothing less out of you.  Talk about a tough crowd.

An even tougher crowd are the sports writers, who pick and pry out all those “buts” (wow that didn’t even sound right, I should elaborate by saying that they hone in on all the who, what, when, where, and how and make all of the above sound like a mystery akin to Clue and put Peyton in the billiard room with a ? shotgun, bullet pass? who knows?)  But, those buts are all important as are, the as ifs, howevers, and whatevers.  The whatevers are usually what the fans end up saying after listening to all the sportswriters question their beloved team’s tactics and make predictions that are not a definite slated win every week.

The current howevers and buts are largely surrounding the last few posted observations of mine, the no-brainer of will the team follow Caldwell like they did Dungy?  Let’s be optimistic fans and say YES!  Issue solved.

A however is that the team has an easy schedule and though sportswriters may not see it as easy, we do.  Another problem solved, we will win every game.

A couple of what-ifs surround the healthiness of the offensive line and the problems that may be seen in the running game or lack thereof.  Well, the off-season has given the players enough time to rest, recover, and learn to run faster.  Wow being a fan is easy, again problem solved.  The offensive line will be healthy and the backs will get it done.

Finally, a who, what, when, where, and how mystery surrounds the replacement of Marvin Harrison.  We (as fans) say that as long as his replacement is under 40, we’re cool with it if he can catch and run, whatever.  Pierre Garcon, Roy Hall and Austin Collie are all looking promising to fill the spot and find the slots.  No problems here, whatever, we win.

Fans 5, Sportswriters 0

Okay unnamed coach of younger baseball boys, this is dedicated to you, you know-nothing wannabe.  Due to recent circumstances in the Colts coaching clustercluck and comments made by you, unnamed person, who cannot write a letter to the editor to counter this one, some things need to be said.

Coaching does count.  Of course winning games is up to the blunt force of the football defense and the offensive drivers in each drive.  But negative coaching styles that are not conducive to player success does matter, that stuff needs to stop.  I commented in an earlier post about how Indiana has had some stellar coaches to boast about; Dungy, Knight, and Wooden.  But seriously you cannot show your multiple personality disorder tendencies by trying to take the best elements of each coach and blend them in.  To fix this there should be an equal balance of good coach/bad coach like there is good cop/bad cop.  Think of Friday Night Lights the movie before Booby Miles gets injured because the goofball that was supposed to take his place couldn’t find his helmet.  Billy Bob was cool with the kid but the offensive coordinator screamed his head off.  Perfect example, take note.

So for Caldwell and crew and you (unnamed numbnuts) get it together.  Pick your roles early and decide who will be good coach and bad coach and even it out from there with the rest of the coaching staff.  Because, the only thing worse than watching a bunch of 11 year olds cry because unnamed idiot decided to have a Bobby Knight moment right after a John Wooden enigma wrapped in an indecipherable metaphor moment is watching Manning throw a fit because his new coaches don’t jive with his style.  I said it once, I’ll say it again-get it together coaches.

Oh and to you dillwad, I am not the stupidest sports parent ever-I know where I stand.  I’m always bad cop, duh.

For hardcore football fans much confusion ensues when we replace our love and #1 fanaticism for football with baseball. More serious cases of the disorder occur when said football fanatics happen to also be “baseball parents”, who vicariously live through their boys in all their sporting endeavors. I will hereafter refer to this phenomenon as “baseball conversion disorder” or BCD. This type of malady has a high concurrence with PPAD or Post Playoff Affective Disorder, which has been discussed in depth in an earlier post.

BCD has been running rampant in little league fields throughout the U.S. and there are warning signs that can help determine if you or a loved one is at risk of having a compete breakdown due to the frustration and distress associated with BCD.

#1. You may notice a marked change in the language used by the BCD sufferer, for example they may say things like “block that bunt pitcher!”, “play back left field and watch for the long ball”, or “he dropped the ball, fumble! fumble!”.

#2. There will be a demand by sufferers to have their child play catcher, simply so he can tackle anyone coming in to home base.

#3. Sufferers that are also umpires will begin to use whistles frequently and run back and forth from home to the outfield intermittently throughout the game.

#4. Those afflicted with BPD that are in charge of scorekeeping will count each run as 6 runs and will refer to the bottom of each inning as a “turnover”.

#5. BCD coaches will have all players wear their batting helmets in the field, as well as line up in a formation meant to confuse the other team (and of course it does).

#6. BCD siblings will bring a “boombox” and play ACDC snippets after each out.

#7. Cheerleaders will be recruited to wave flags and run out onto the field before their team goes up to bat.

#8. BCD fans will videotape each game and when a play is in question, they will throw out a red flag onto the field to challenge said plays and demand the umpire to review the footage.

#9. BCD affected children will charge the mound with increasing frequency

#10. Finally, as stated in #5, people that are in close proximity of BCD sufferers will be confused and angry. Wives and children, especially, may suffer a secondary trauma by losing games due to the confusion displayed by their fathers and by realizing that father and husband has lost his mind completely.

* Do not worry as both BCD and PPAD completely disappear in August-September