general outlandishness

IN CONCLUSION...

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 15:08:00 +0000

Find out what your blog is rated. They list the words that give you the rating and apparently using "cannibal" 7 times -- now 8 -- is a factor.

Back from vacation, most of my hits while I was away were from abuncha people googling Brianna Frost...especially if they used other words in the search. For example, "Brianna Frost panty ripping video", so I guess I'll just give the people what they want...

Brianna Frost Panty Ripping Video.

My work here is done.

OUTLANDISH VACATION

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 13:39:00 +0000

WARNING: That's not just a truck!!

Batgirl May Be In Danger is the best YTMND in awhile.

250k toilet will stop the rest stop gays? [fark]

Hey Amy! Still No No No on rehab?

Need to add a day to the schedule when they plan the Olympic torch run: At 147 km (91 mi), Greater Sochi is the longest city in Europe or the world. Every 4 years, the Winter Olympics are also the longest two weeks ever. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

The intro to this Keeley site is nice.

4th of July added to Nick's seasonal emporiums!!

The big GO will be on vacation for a week. I'm sure you'll survive without me. For all you guys that drop in searching Google for Brianna Frost: you've seen her face, right??? And someone still needs to submit the Brianna Frost/Dramatic Chipmunk Challenge.

HAPPY 4th OF JULY, AMERICANS

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 05:22:00 +0000

CANNIBAL PEACOCK IS THE NEW VAMPIRE PEACOCK

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 14:45:00 +0000

The story of the week gets better. Here's what we knew so far:

Story Highlights:
A man beat up a peacock that had wandered into a Burger King parking lot
The peacock was beaten so badly it had to be euthanized
Witnesses said the man claimed to be killing a "vampire"

This is so crazy that it's easy to overlook the following question: Why was there a vampire peacock in a Staten Island Burger King parking lot? Can demonic vampires appear in the form of a peacock? The NBC execs that cancelled Andy Barker, P.I. notwhithstanding, I don't think it's possible. I'm pretty sure this guy is insane, but what if he's right?

WILL A VAMPIRE PEACOCK BE LYING IN YOUR BED WHEN YOU GO TO BED TONIGHT??

BLOOD AROUND ITS MOUTH AND SHIT....

AROUND ITS BEAK?

Anyway, like I said, the story gets better! This crazy dude appeared in court on Friday and was released. He was picked up again on Tuesday July 3rd for threatening to blow up peacocks with fireworks!!

Police say they've collared the man they believe administered a fatal beating to a peacock because he thought it was a vampire. The same man is now being questioned for threatening to "destroy cannibal peacocks" at the Brooklyn Zoo.

John N. Potts, 32, was arrested for for terroristic threatening, theft, and disorderly conduct. Police say Potts stole some fireworks from a roadside stand and made threats to "cannibal peacocks" at the zoo. Witnesses say he yelled at anyone within 20 feet of him and made comments about "blowing up all the cannibal peacocks." Authorities believe he is homeless and mentally unstable and are working to place him into a state hospital.

What the hell is a cannibal peacock? It can only mean a peacock that eats other peacocks, right? I think he is getting vampire and cannibal confused, which leads me to believe that he is the craziest crazy person ever and maybe, just maybe,

THERE ARE NO VAMPIRE PEACOCKS IN MY BED.

FOOT IN MOUTH: PERSONAL ANECDOTE #2

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 13:52:00 +0000

Things are bad at work. There is a sudden uncomfortable work environment between a co-worker and me and it's all my fault. The co-worker (she will remain maneless) is a new-ish lady who sits behind me and she's around 35 or so. I don't talk to her much, but things have been cool. Well, her daughter comes in on Tuesday to give her mom something and this girl is so fucking hot, I can't believe it. So my co-worker is showing her daughter around and pointing at the pictures on her desk and all that shit. She finally introduces me and they are talking about school and stuff and I'm thinking it's summer, why is she going to school...

So, my co-worker is trying to get her friend on the phone but she's not picking up her extension. So, she leaves and her daughter sits in her chair and swivels around. She's looking at the computer, but maybe afraid to use it because of the spreadsheet on the screen. So, I'm kinda looking over at her as she swivels back and forth and I'm loving how her tight top is about three inches above her low-rise jeans. I'm amazed how low her jeans are but I don't see any panties.

I ask her "Did you say something about going to class? Isn't school over?"

She says "Yeah, it's a summer college prep course. If I do it now, I don't have to do it when I'm a freshman."

"Did you just graduate? Or..."

"No, I'm a senior now."

"Ahh...senior year's fun."

"Yeah, I'm a teacher's aid one period, should be an easy year."

And then, after a few beats, I say, inexplicably:

"I bet you're pretty popular."

I felt nervous when I said it, thinking it's pretty fucking obvious what you mean by that. I might have well as said "Damn, you're hot."

She shrugs and says "I don't know, not a big thing." And swivels back around, away from me. I say something about my ten year reunion will be coming up in a few years and then her mom returns and tells her daughter to come on, "Let's go see Peggy." So they say goodbye and leave.

The next morning, I hear through the grapevine that my co-worker thinks I'm trying to make it with her daughter or something and she can't even bring her to work without people being disgusting. Turns out I'm not the only one who implied she was hot. But what is the problem? And why did she have to tell her mom what I said? I probably shouldn't have said it, but girls like that will do that to you. I could have said worse, believe me.

So my co-worker shot me a glare the morning after and has been brusque whenever we've had to exchange project info. Whatever. Now I really want to get on her daughter, not just because she's hot, but because I'd be getting on her daughter. In a perfect world, this would happen. I know the world is not perfect because one time I went to an Applebee's and one of the "neighborhood" decorations fell off the wall and hit my left shoulder, bruising it.

BAT YER LASHES AT THE AP STORY OF THE DAY

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 15:17:00 +0000

Father Makes 5-year-old Daughter Watch Creepy Video Before Bed

CLEVELAND - A Cuyahoga Falls resident is being questioned by a child protection agency after he allegedly made his 5-year-old daughter view a creepy music video before sending her to bed. Dan Parks allegedly instructed his daughter to watch the music video "What's A Girl To Do" by music artist Bat For Lashes. The video features the singer riding a bicycle on a dark, wooded road when people dressed as animals suddenly appear behind her on bicycles. The video features scenes of creepy figures with balloons, and an automobile accident. Cleveland's A Child's Voice agency says they became aware of the incident from an anonymous source and are investigating the matter with city Child Protection Service officials. An official, speaking on condition of anonymity, says the child "is distressed and has been unable to sleep." Dan Parks would not comment on the incident. The girl's mother is currently on a business trip.

HAHAHAHA. Oh, MAN.

What's a Dad to do? The awesome video in question, in case you haven't seen it:

[gorillavsbear]

With that opening beat, I keep expecting the rest of the song to go like this [mp3 via dreams of horses]

Worst basketball shot EVER.

This kid is really cool. I wonder if his classmates know he's this cool.

Awesome triple blowjob, but where is the GUMSHOT?? I'm so funny.

Thasalotta panties.

Hayden Pantyerre loves to lick it! [gorillamask]

OPEN THE DOOR BRIANNA FROST

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 15:38:00 +0000

So, this Brianna Frost camgirl has a hot body. Her vids are EVERYWHERE and she's maybe the biggest camgirl cocktease currently on the internet. Her signature seems to be to film herself in the corner of a room, between two doors. Well, for some reason, I want the doors to open. That's not a euphemism.

QUESTION.

Can someone make an animated gif or a video of the little door opening and the dramatic chipmunk or something like that inside? That would be cool. Thanks.

KEELEY AND THE YOUNG ONES

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 13:45:00 +0000

I fell asleep for awhile and days went by without a "keeley hazell" google spree. Luckily, fubar is there! But the clothed pics are kinda hotter than the nude ones. Is Keeley slipping or does the Aud

Edit: Sentence was not completed due to fap session. Strike the question.

MAYBE I am still excited that fubar came through AGAIN with an overdue post on Renee Olstead? But the post comes AFTER she's 18? What is the fubar world coming to? She's been TV's #1 pedophile playground for 3-4 years, besting Alia Shawkat by a nice set of monkey bars and a jungle gym.

Renee Olstead falls short of pre-legal Lohan though. But these days, most small woodland creatures are sexier than Lohan. Musically, it's a draw: Renee sings jazz covers but somehow makes them boring while Lohan's musical career faded as quick as her beauty, despite the hit single "Rumors" was written by Tito Jackson and reached #1 on the Mexican Top 100.

I once sold Young As They Cum #3 on ebay for 8 dollars + shipping. Goddamn that was an intense bidding war, I tell you what.

PARIS IS FREE AS A BIRD

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 11:42:00 +0000

THE WORLD AWAITS HER RETURN?

Bill is killed, so who will be killed in Kill Bill 3 and 4?

Speaking of five-point palm exploding heart techniques, the Exploding Hearts are also killed, but they were an awesome band.

FAN VIDEO SNIPPET of Rec'd track "Throwaway Style":

Exploding Hearts - Modern Kicks (mp3) [veryyoungmillionaire]

Just going off recent pictures, it's good we'll be seeing Christina Aguilera on the big screen.

Nevermind that first look of INDY 4. Where's the clamor for the WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE first look?

The nation collectively dodges a huge bullet.

In Louisville, KY, the sole city newspaper has deemed the lol cats phenomenon to be current, relevant news.

I cans do research.

Ezra Singleton, 7, a student at Okolona Elementary School, browsed through lolcats on icanhascheezburger.com and also broke into laughter. He plans to check the site regularly, he said, especially "when I have the blues."

I hope they write about ytmnd next.

While I was out, the entire blogosphere went nuts -- as they should have -- over a dramatic chipmunk that is clearly a prairie dog.

But are they going nuts over this possible VIDEO OF THE YEAR? * [thighswideshut]

I mean, the prairie dog was five seconds but this is over 2 and a half minutes of hilarious shit that makes my throat hurt from laughing. I lose it 3/4ths of the way in every time.

*non-porn category, natch

REVERSE ABANDONMENT

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 19:36:00 +0000

Similar to the alleged children I have fathered, I have often created things and then abandoned the creation. I did that a week ago with this blog, but I guess I'm back now. I used to have 3 or 4 ~~regular readers~~ random visitors, but now I seem to have OVER THREE TIMES THAT AMOUNT due to some links from high profile websites. So, maybe I won't give this one up so quickly, like I did Austin, or whatever the fuck that bitch named him.

So, to the 9 of you, regular outlandishness will resume in a day or two.

ATTENTION: WOMEN OF COLORADO

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 19:51:00 +0000

This is a special news bulletin for all women in Colorado, especially if you are a hot woman in Colorado. Local men are going to steal your panties. There is not much you can do about it. Buy a lock for your top drawer. Hire a bodyguard to sit in the laudry room and watch your delicates tumble dry while you're fucking that boy in your dorm. Do what you can, but will you be able to do enough???

That's three serial panty-robbers in recent memory. And one guy stole, like, 1,300 underwears. There must be something in that dry rocky mountain air. Beware.

Sorta kinda semi-related: I really like this blog.

No, she's not from Colorado.

Yes, I want to steal her panties. And her camera. And her soul.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 15:47:00 +0000

This was probably my favorite book as a kid. While the interesting and crazy illustrations of Richard Scarry would delight me, it was the darkness and detail captured in these Maurice Sendak illustrations that really sparked my imagination. The story resonated with me as well, because I too had threatened to eat my mom for dinner and I had a strong desire to rule over her, especially if I could wear a costume as cool as the one worn by lead character Max.

So, with a doubt, I'm really excited that Spike Jonze is making this into a feature film from a script written by one of my favorite writers ever, Dave Eggers.

Adult fantasy, however, currently wins over childhood fantasy. So, while they are making one of my childhood fantasies come alive with Where The Wild Things Are, someone needs to do something about my fantasy to see Wild Things 4, starring the hottest, softcore porn girls on the net. It's time to bring some serious hotness back to the theaters and not straight-to-video. Seriously, this would make, like, 200 million dollars at the box office on it's first day. Then, word-of-mouth and repeaters would quickly push it toward 1 billion dollars.

The script would probably just be a rehash of the first film with a little Poison Ivy mixed in, but it would have a lot more opportunities to see some softcore action, from the internet's hottest web sluts. The goal is to become the first movie to have all of it's principal players naked for over 50% of the film with the other half mostly them being in underwear or in the process of taking off sexy clothes to get to the underwear, with some hot slo-mo body shots, upskirt shots, bikini shots, and some murders thrown in. That's the goal, anyway.

So, which softcore websluts would star in this movie? Well, Tawnee Stone wants to be an actress and has been playing "the 19-year-old web sensation from Texas" for almost 10 years. Of course, her alleged sister Tori Stone would have to make a hot cameo as well. For shock value, there would have to be Topanga, who looks and pretends to be 15. She could play the freshman that has sex with an older dude and then gets killed. There's got to be a hot blonde, so I think Tiffany could heat up a few scenes. Maybe Allie could play Tiffany's hot mom. Of course, there has to be a girl who looks a little evil, so why not Raven Riley.

And Kate could play the retarded girl who has a hoof.

TOP 5 ALTERNATIVE FATHER'S DAY GIFTS

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 14:47:00 +0000

According to Askmen.com, the top 5 Father's Day gifts are:

5. Wine
4. Grooming kit
3. Facial Care
2. Sports events tix
1. Watch

Well, the first three are retarded and the last two are old hat. If you are looking for other ideas this year, you've come to the right place. Difficulty to find the gift and the expected price are shown below on a 5-star scale, with 1 being easy or inexpensive and 5 being difficult to obtain or expensive.

Here are the Top 5 alternative gifts to get dad this year...

#5 A Nasty Old Slut on the Side

Difficulty: **
Price: ****

You know that nasty, 40-something slut your friend got busted having sex with? You know, the coked-up whore that just needs 10 dollars to suck you off so she can fuel her multiple drug addictions? What dad needs is a quick release from his wife from a woman who is still willing to suck him off. And at $10 per blowjob with a weekly visit, you're only talking $520 for the year. The Nasty Old Slut, unlike the hot prostitute, is the gift that keeps on giving all year long. Helpful hint: Just try and find one that doesn't come around every day, banging on your doors and windows.

#4 A Prescription Drug Gift Basket

Difficulty: ****
Price: *****

A pricey and hard to find gift for the dad who has everything... except for a drug or sex addiction. Nicely packaged in a ziploc bag and placed in a tavern beer bucket will be the best damn Father's Day gift basket dad has ever seen: A variety of prescription drugs. Sometimes dad just needs a good pick-up pill to make things right again. The assortment should include OxyContin, Rohypnol, Percocet, Viagra and a variety of ECPs. If your dad has allergies or heartburn, you could include pills for those ailments as well, but those are harder to find on the streets. Dad won't soon forget your generous gift... that is, until he runs out of pills and starts to hit you up for his quick fix.

#3 The Smokin' Hot, Professional Prostitute

Difficulty: ***
Price: ***

This is one whore dad will remember for the rest of his life. The smokin' hot, professional prostitute will cost you a pretty penny for only one hour of fun, but she will be very hot and is probably up-to-date on her STD testing. Depending on your dad's number and level of fetishes, expect to pay at least $200 for just one hour of company, with sex, blowjob, cumshot, ass-play, foot fetish, etc. at an extra cost. With the professional prostitute, you can get each sex act a la carte and you'll know the total price and sign a pimp-approved contract before she even sits on a that nasty motel bed.

#2 Kidnap Your Mom for a Week

Difficulty: ****
Price: *

A great gift for pop would be a week's vacation away from the old ball and chain. How can he do all the stuff he wants to do with her around? So, this year, have your mask-wearing friends kidnap your mom and take her to that crazy place your friend of a friend's friend knows where she can be safely locked away for a week and nobody will hear her screams. You'll need to have a good buddy feed her a few times a day and when a week passes, your friends can go load her back into the trunk and drop her off at some gas station. Just play it smart and be sure that your mom never sees their faces and you should be okay. While she's locked up, your mom can eat that out-of-date sandwich bread you have on your kitchen counter, so the only cost of this gift will be the few rounds of beers you will have to buy your friends for their efforts.

#1 A Case of Beer with a Nice Post-It Note Stuck on it

Difficulty: *
Price: *

I got this for my dad a few years back, before we got in a pretty nasty fistfight, and I'm thinking about getting it again this year now that he has apologized. He said it was the best present he ever got and he still has the Post-It Note that says "Happy Father's Day" on it. This gift may not wow your dad as much as mine, but for somewhere around 15 dollars, this is the most economical (read: cheap) and convenient gift idea on this list. Helpful hint: If you buy a cold case, the Post-It Note might not want to stick, so just wipe off the condensation on the area you wish to apply the note and the Post-It it will work like the fucking magic that it is.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

SEXIEST AUSSIE BABE?

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 05:23:00 +0000

New pics of Emily Scott, one of Australia's hottest girls. These are from the July 2007 German Maxim.

For the record: Not as hot as Keeley, who is hotter than sunshine.

TOP 5 MUMBLING, STUTTERING PRICKS IN FILM HISTORY

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 15:21:00 +0000

#5 Professor Quirrell - Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone

WHY HE'S A MUMBLING, STUTTERING PRICK:

He's a fruity, evil professor with two faces, a dark side, and something to hide.

WHY WE FEEL SORRY FOR HIM:

We don't. We want him to die along with the whole Harry Potter phenomenon. This phenomenon also involves putting music to every fucking movie clip.

#4 Ken - A Fish Called Wanda

WHY HE'S A MUMBLING, STUTTERING PRICK:

He's a jewel thief who kills an old lady's dogs several times before finally killing her.

WHY WE FEEL SORRY FOR HIM:

He gets revenge on his nemesis, but not before Otto tortures him with food and then devours his aquarium fish.

#3 Bobby Boucher - The Waterboy

WHY HE'S A MUMBLING, STUTTERING PRICK:

He's a backwoods mama's boy and a complete dumbass with a water obsession.

WHY WE FEEL SORRY FOR HIM:

He's a backwoods mama's boy and a complete dumbass with a water obsession. Luckily, he harnesses his pent-up rage to succeed at football and scores a white trash girl.

#2 Billy Bibbit - One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

WHY HE'S A MUMBLING, STUTTERING PRICK

When 30-year-old virgin Billy gets caught with a hooker named Candy in the psych ward, he gives up McMurphy's name when Nurse Ratched threatens to tell his mother what he did.

WHY WE FEEL SORRY FOR HIM:

He idolized McMurphy, who was doing his best to help Billy get out of his self-pity and be a better person. However, the stress of relationships between his mother, Nurse Ratched, and McMurphy, really fucks him up and he kills himself.

AND THE #1 MUMBLING, STUTTERING PRICK IN FILM HISTORY, AFTER THE ~~JUMP~~ JUNK IN THE TRUNK... [hollylinks]

#1 Spider - Goodfellas

WHY HE'S A MUMBLING, STUTTERING PRICK:

Because Tommy calls him one. Tommy clearly asks for a water and Spider ignores him. Then Spider tries to argue with him. Also, Spider's whole family may be rats.

WHY WE FEEL SORRY FOR HIM:

He stands up to Tommy and earns the respect of the goodfellas, but pays dearly for his actions.

Speaking of stuttering and SOBs... [gorillamask]

Porky pig

YouTube TIME TRAVEL EXPERIMENT

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 11:22:00 +0000

Given my ability to travel through time, I am constantly seeking the
reactions and opinions of people from long ago. I have found that
random YouTube videos gain interesting perspectives when shown to a variety of people in different time periods.

For this experiment, I have chosen the video below, which was the first
search result for "hot teen." The video was recorded in 2007.

Reactions from people currently living in 2007 can be found in the comments for the video. These include over 2,500 variations of the following comments:

-"omg she is 13 ur sick"
-"what a joke.... she looks like a baboon that wants to be raped... sad little slut"
-"baby got back!"
-"shake it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
-"you are hot baby i would like to make contact with you mz name is Alex and im from sweden...."
-"white trash. she will be on the pole when that 18th birthday rolls around."
-"omg she is tryin to be black"
-"she doesn't say niggas. she blatantly says hatas."
-"Ugly room but sexy butt and boobs. rip off your top"

Now, to conduct my experiment, I went back in time 200 years. I interviewed random people on the streets. All participants were engaged in small-talk and after they got over the advanced technology of a modern, portable media player, they were told to respond to the contents of the video by writing an anonymous sentence or two and dropping it in a box. This way, they would be granted a level of anonymity to match the internet. Here are some of the more interesting results:

1807 Anonymous comments

-"Most assuredly, this is yet another rotten example of our young children in slow decay, becoming the scourings of a life wasted, due in part by improper fostering."
-"I honestly have never seen dancing in such a way. Strange noise to be heard as well. I think it a sin to behave in that manner, but I found her gyrations of the hips to be unparalled to my own private erotic memories."
-"Pretty young girl, but she may become that of the common house lady."
-"A woman old enough to bear a child should not be engaged in provocative and childish movements, most especially in her undergarments."
-"Beautiful and exciting young lady. I thank you for the interesting encounter. Sincerely, Patrick."
-"What you have shown me is decidedly horrible. Has her mother made this clothing for her? Where would one even purchase the materials for her attire?"
-"Do not display this filth to me and my family. This is the wicked craft of the devil."
-"Unquestionably this is determined to arouse the spectator. Given our anonymity, I am tempted to proclaim a deep infatuation for the young woman's dance and her strange underclothes. Or was this costume dress? I would like her home address for the purpose of performing statistical research on this young woman."

RESULTS:

1807: It was interesting that most people thought the girl's clothes were underwear. Of the 117 people surveyed, 71% of the people had a serious dislike for the video, with 28% finding something of interest. 1% were indifferent.

2007: Deciphering the thousands of comments on YouTube, 68% had a serious dislike for the video, with 30% apparently finding something interesting. 2% were indifferent.

In conclusion, there is just a 3% change in approval for the video. If we are to consider the video to be wrong and immoral, this would indicate that society has transgressed 3% in the last 200 years. The margin of error is plus or minus 3 percentage points, so there is evidence to suggest American values of decency are unchanged in 200 years or only slightly worse.

NOTE ABOUT TIME TRAVEL METHODS: Time travel has evolved somewhat since you saw it in Back To the Future. The basic elements are the same though, meaning I can only travel to the same location that my time machine is located. However, energy sources for time travel has improved tremendously. My Flux Capacitor Mini is mounted to a Segway with a Mr. Fusion that operates on almost anything, but maximum performance is obtained by using Red Bull.

LAST SHOW IN THE CAN

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 14:27:00 +0000

GOOD SHOW, BOB. I will be watching on June 15th.

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK BOB BARKER FOR:

1. Using a dated microphone with a cord, despite obvious technological advances in sound recording.
2. Helpfully pointing toward the next items up for bids.
3. Coming through those doors like a badass.
4. Telling people to hurry up and drop that fucking Plinko chip.
5. Controlling the pet population.
6. Having around at least a few hot beauties rubbing appliances.
7. Getting visibly annoyed by stupid contestants.
8. Always having $100 in his pocket.
9. Expertly sinking long putts and throwing large dice over the line.
10. All the cute college girls jumping up and down and spinning a big wheel.

LINKS

After seeing enough retarded kids play with Diet Coke and Mentos, I have to say I was kinda hoping this bum was going to kick some ass.

The Thighmaster you want to visit

The Thighmaster you don't want to visit

Well, That was quick. You know, the "medical condition" could be blunt force trauma to the vagina, the poor girl...

ATTN: MICHELLE MARSH'S AGENT

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 11:59:00 +0000

Michelle Marsh: "A fantasy for me is to get arrested while having sex on the beach."

To Michelle's agent: I can make this happen. Please tell Michelle and e-mail me at ethan DOT embers AT gmail DOT com.

To Michelle's agent, again: Here are my requests:

Arrange for Michelle to meet me on the beach of her choice located anywhere in the continental US. You will need to provide me with airfare and at least 4-star accomodations for two people (my friend will be helping me execute the fantasy) for at least seven days. Also, I will require a watch valued at $1000 or higher because I don't want to be late when meeting Michelle. As far as vehicle accomodations, I would prefer a new car valued at $40,000 or greater, but I will accept a 2007 rental valued at $100 a day or more. I'm trying to be flexible and realistic with your expenditures.

On the night we fulfill Michelle's fantasy, Michelle will need to be showered and shaved, wearing a sexy bikini. Bathing suit covers are okay, as long as it's like a short skirt or something with easy access.

To Michelle's agent, PLEASE READ: I really want you to know I can make this happen, so here's how it will go down:

When Michelle and I are walking along the beach, I will initiate foreplay and we will begin making out in the sand. My friend (who has been shadowing us) will then call the police and report illegal activity in the area. In order to heighten her arousal and make sure the fantasy is fulfilled, I will tell Michelle "There are always a lot of cops in this area. Do you think we will get arrested?"

My friend will be recording the incident on his digital videocamera. It won't take too long for me to finish the act, so I will wait until I hear sirens or the sound of police. With both of us naked and engaged in sex, I will yell "I'm fucking Michelle Marsh!" before I ejaculate on her tits. I will be sure to pin her down until police have approached us to ensure we are apprehended. My friend will then supply the video to police as further evidence, saving a copy for our personal records.

From there, I will just need court costs and reimbursement for any fines I should receive. Other than the necessary expenses detailed above, which are required to perform the fantasy, I will work absolutely FREE OF CHARGE!

To Michelle's agent: I look forward to hear from you soon in this matter and until then, I remain

Sincerely yours,

Ethan J. Embers.

YADA YADA AND ALL THE BELLS AND C-STRING WHISTLES

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 15:52:00 +0000

Coming soon...

Seinfeld: Season 8 arrives in stores today. This is the first season without Larry David, but strangely enough, the show became more bizarre and the characters even more inhumane.

The scoop on Season 8 and the trailer.

End of the show.

I can't imagine how my junk will fit into a C-string. [via drunkenstepfather]

Eat me out. No.

Out of all these flash games, Winterbells is probably the best and the most addictive. It also screams testosterone, it's just that fucking macho (read: Your girl will love it).

UPDATE: I just got a score of 190470 in Winterbells. Is this good? Usually the music entrances me to the point where I lose coordination.

ODE TO THE MAD CACKLER...BRILLIANT

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 13:43:00 +0000

The priest scene from Extras - Season 1, Episode 1 has been added to Youtube:

Tags: kiddie fiddlers, condoms, untraceable

Oh, straight in there like that, no messin:

I thought I howled and cackled with laughter, but Ricky Gervais is the king of the mad cackle:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I only saw the first 10 minutes of the MTV Movie Awards, but I'm convinced this was the best part:

Highlights of minor-league manager meltdown #437 include: The rosin bag grenade.

Get your rocks off!

Get yer Rocks Off

Get your rocks off...

MY LIFE IS WELL-DOCUMENTED ON THE INTERNET #1

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 13:25:00 +0000

Other than the video of my junk being deep-throated by two chicks, this is the only known video of myself on the internet.

My pen pal from Argentina stopped writing to me just before we started high school. Six years later, she would become an internet sensation.

I don't know him, but as it turns out, I replaced this guy when he was fired.

My mom caught me doing one of my girl-on-girl photoshoots.

Maybe the best video of my incredible driving skills can be seen here.

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In other news, this Seren girl is nice, but not as hot as Keeley. Keeley is hotter than sunshine.

These movies make me want to punch myself in the face until I am out cold.

KINKS AND LINKS

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Wed, 30 May 2007 13:36:00 +0000

Classic Keeley vid.

Click here to see Keeley's bottle rocket.

The Creation Museum is now open! Learn how dinosaurs and people co-existed and how the earth is 6,000 years old.

This is the best and worst finish in the history of racing. On the upside, my grandmother did win $9.42 off her $2 bet!

Can you say Condor and Albatross? I ruled this game: Cat with Bow Golf

Enthusiasm and encouragement from a friend can be very helpful.

The article states TV execs getting sneaky with commercials

Executives at ABC are considering ways to get viewers into an ad before they even realize it. On "Ugly Betty," for example, the camera focuses on a book as its cover dissolves into a commercial. Or there could be a real ad playing on a television that is in the scene of a show.

Since we DVR everything, we miss a lot of commercials, but my girlfriend and I have noticed more and more of this in shows already. I mean, as much as I love The Office, the product placement is getting out of control. But at least they are tying it into the plot, like Kevin endorsing Staples when he gets a new shredder or when Michael takes the girls shopping to Victoria's Secret. But you have to wonder if they are inserting products that tie-in nicely with their plots, or inserting plots to go with their products.

For this site though, I think we should all ponder this instead:

Melora Hardin's (Jan on The Office) website.

Melora sings "Dial O on the Little Pink Telephone." Now why do I have the sudden urge to rub a clitoris?

MISS UNIVERSE MUPPET SHOW

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Tue, 29 May 2007 14:56:00 +0000

Protestors of last night's Miss Universe Pageant are always crying about the objectification of women. They believe the girls are just puppets for the mega corporations that promote unrealistic standards of feminine beauty.

I would never think that. These girls are not just sexy puppets that unleash male fantasies and sell perfection to insecure women. So why did the opening of the show...

remind me of this:

Also, Miss USA wasn't that hot. Her boobs were almost as sad as Rachael Ray's*. She would probably be much hotter if she knew how to walk as well:

WHOOPS.

Read more about the pageant here.

WHOOPS.

*Speaking of Rachael Ray, check this out!

CAUGHT IN THE ACT: PERSONAL ANECDOTE

noreply@blogger.com (ethan embers) — Thu, 24 May 2007 23:50:00 +0000

When this happened to me, the door opened and closed without two words. Only instead of my mom, it was my sister. And I wasn't under the sheets.

PERSONAL ANECDOTE: When I was 18, my sister was friends with this incredibly hot girl named Rebecca, who was 16. I don't really like the name Rebecca, but that was her only flaw. This girl was like 5'10" with an awesome rack and a nice ass. She looked like a young Denise Richards circa Wild Things, only hotter. So I'm 18 (on the verge of moving out of my parents house forever) and my sisters room is directly across from mine and her friend Rebecca is spending the night.

I'm hot and bothered by her all evening as my sister and Rebecca are running through the house, being loud and obnoxious. Rebecca is wearing a tight pink top and a short jean skirt. At one point, she is crawling up the stairs and I catch a slight glimpse of her little black panties. This was before the "Thong Song" so no thong. But I would see more.

Our bedroom doors are closed the rest of the night and I hear non-stop giggling as I'm watching Conan. There is an ambiguously gay vampire about to bite Conan's neck and I'm laughing my ass off. I flip the last channel to E! "Wild On..." and watch some hot girls dancing. I'm thinking what excuse can I have for knocking on my sisters door? It's probably locked and will they even open it or make me talk through the door. Is there any shot of seeing Rebecca in some sort of sleep wear? But I would see more than that.

I get up and take a piss, trying to come up with something that won't seem lame. I got nothing. I'm leaving the bathroom when the door to my sisters room opens and out steps Rebecca in her black strapless bra and little black panties. She shuts the door behind her, looks at me and says "Whoops. I have to use the bathroom." I say "Oh, sorry" and move out of her way toward my room. I get a nice glimpse of her ass as she is walking into the bathroom. My heart is racing. Did she do it on purpose is all I can think of.

Naturally, I sit on my bed, pull out my Jenny McCarthy Playboy (the one where she's with Santa) and I start to rub one out, thinking about Rebecca. That's when my sister knocks on my door and opens it (with all the excitement, I forgot to lock it). I'm at the edge of the bed, boxers around my ankles, Wendy's jizz cup ready in hand, when my sister sticks her head in and says a word or maybe two, abruptly stops her sentence, and closes the door.

To make a long story short (TOO LATE!), when this happend to me, it was pretty fucking awkward. If only my sister handled it like that mom and then sent Rebecca in to finish me off.