Can you see it in yourself?

Migrating...

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 00:04:00 -0700

I've been meaning to say this for a long, long time, and finally, here it is!
I'm moving to a new site!
I've been active here for a long time, that's true, but now I've finally set up another place where I hope to pick things up. To my few subscribers, I'm sorry for being so quiet for so long, I really hope to change that.

Anyhow, here's where you can find me from now on. Please subscribe to my feeds if you wanna stay updated with my weird thoughts ;)

Oops. Of course, I mean... you can find me here

108

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 01:17:00 -0700

This is the anniversary of my 108th posting on this blog. As a special anniversary (more so than post 100 which I really didn't pay attention to), this post will make little to no sense, but as usual it should make you feel... something...

Sometimes I wonder how much I could *really* tell you.
#define you as generic you, the reader
I wish I could blurt out all of my thoughts into one posting.

I can't help wishing that I was an artist, doing all the things that artists do... (for which of course there is no stereotype *cough*)

I think I would like to do podcasts and videos here someday soon. But right now I'm struggling to find one single place to call my home(blog). I may just have to make it, like everything else in life...

But nothing's really perfect. It can be dangerously close to perfect even without any help, though.

After a little more writing and thinking (more of the latter), I find that what I wrote last time, in terms of goals, deserves a little rewriting. So my second goal becomes my first. It's really tough to find the perfect order even for only four goals!!! Damn it!

... anyway, I have my heart set on people now. School was almost never really hard (except for one year of my life - frosh in high school), and was rarely involving enough to make me feel that people are worth less (than learning). I think and feel that everyone else teaches me much more than I would learn by myself or through school. If you believe in yourself, and know who you are well enough, surrounding yourself with people could be one of the best decisions of your life. It was for me, and I plan to do it again.

... maybe I just got sick of loneliness.

I may have not blogged much for the past two years, but... Oh, I was just about to say that things have not changed that much, that I haven't really changed. But, truthfully, we all change more than it seems - it's just that we tend to notice the things that don't change, but we want to change, and also notice things that change, but we don't want to change. If the former dominates the latter, there we go: it feels that we haven't changed much.

And I find myself that way right now.
What had I hoped to achieve?
... I had hoped to make this place be my home. With the friends that I want, a very special girl, and a passion for learning. Well, I'm halfway there!
... I had hoped to be more of me in every way, and in a sense, I am. Now, more than before, because I understand that being more means, among other things, accepting more. Santa Cruz really teaches one to accept things :)

What do I want now?
I want to make someone really happy. Maybe because I want to show myself that I can do more than I think I'm capable of doing.
I want to show someone how lucky I feel.
I want to take charge of my life.
I want to feel motivated.
To appreciate what I have a little more, and to do that, all I need is to put more heart into it.
After all, there's no limit to how much you can give.

And life is full of wonderful surprises.

Here's a thought. Do something unusual everyday!

And I want my 108th post to be the first of a series that will start a wonderful new adventure of my life!

I think it's very sad that people compromise so much to have some kind of happiness. It's not *the* happiness. I'd still rather just live a horribly unstable life than settle for people that I can't be myself around fully. But not everyone has to be that way. In fact, I may be the one worse off, you know, with the going nuts from such a hectic life and all.

But it's got its perks. Living on the edge (of either yourself, the world, or both) is extremely rewarding. It's romantic, for one. Exciting. Unusual. Surprising. No room for disengagement. Scary.

Why don't I just challenge myself to find that life that I want directly?
I think it's most likely because I enjoy the search. 99% of happiness is seeking it - that's the answer.

And I love. And I am loved. Everyday, more and more.

I love the world. And some itsy bitsy part of it loves me back. But as tiny as that is, it's bigger than me in every. single. way.

Hug you, world! And let's toast for my 108! To a new life!

There may be something about life itself which is inimical to our desire for happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Tue, 7 Oct 2008 16:03:00 -0700

Most of the time we grope about quite blindly, driven by we know not what needs and in search of we know not what satisfactions.
- F&u

Hey there. Long time no see.
I'll save the "I plan/ed to do this or that" bits. I don't re-read my posts often enough to catch my own plans again. No more plans, not for a long time now. Just a clearer and clearer path.
So what has my life been like?
A series of fortunate and unfortunate events mixed together in a healthy blend -- and I say this because I believe it is (sort of) in the psyche's best interest to be continuously challenged and unsettled. As human beings, we deserve to rest - we do - but only 1% of the time, really! 99% life = fighting.
And so you can see why all of our time is so precious. We must fight all the time to get to where we want to be. So, here is a series of ideas that (hopefully) summarize what I've been up to for the past, oh, 6 or more months...

After years of living in this world we (sometimes) call our own, we come to know things, and - more importantly - think of them as certainties. But these certainties are almost never enough to offer guidance to our (confused) lives, to set forth a fixed path that we know 100% is the path we want to be on. And who are those lucky few that know their path? They are people with faith: religious, scientific, or any other kind that is spiritual and gives oneself a good reason to stay on it. Most of which, I believe, are lying to themselves. However, I also believe that some are on the right path, and are lucky enough to do great things through their beliefs.

And the thing is, as we grow up, we start realizing that there is no way, NO WAY we could do all of those things that we wish to do. We have to give some up, and confine ourselves onto this one path that (hopefully) leads somewhere. And that "somewhere", we think, would be more rewarding, in the end, than trying to fit everything in:

If a man could articulate his grievances about life so defined, he would perhaps complain first about the extensive deprivations to which he is subjected and secondly about the unsatisfactory nature of much of the experience permitted him. The distinction is not a perfect one: the two complaints sometimes tend to merge. Nevertheless, there can be no doubt that, quite apart from any specific dissatisfactions we may have about what befalls us, we are sometimes oppressed by the feeling that life is more limited and impoverished than it should be.
- F&u

So will I give up many goals, in order to achieve at least a few. But in the end, "Psychoanalysis teaches us that no infantile desires are ever entirely relinquished." (F&u)

What are my priorities now?
1. Never give up.
2. Hold as few certainties as possible, always expect the opposite (or another option) may be (also) true.
3. Constantly re-evaluate my standing and goals. Hold the same small bunch (1-5) at the top (I wish...)
4. Bring a contribution to this world that is meaningful to me, and that I feel measures up to my abilities.

My goals?
1. Develop my career.
2. Meet great people, meet (new) people, make connections. Love.
3. Travel.
4. Experience (the) unforgettable.
Alright. Sounds like a plan!

What's been happening with me?
I moved away from one university to another, and in doing so realized a great deal of things. I love to travel. I like moving around, starting over, meeting new people. I also like learning, adapting. Fitting in, yet standing out.
I lived a summer with an internship - *the* full-time job that I have never had before - and understand what it is like to work your ass off, to be involved and enjoying what you do, to meet great people. I realized what defines my kind of work.
I had friends from Romania close by, and made other close friends here -- and they have helped shape this past half of a year more than anything. I understand now more about myself than I ever did during my years in the US. I was a pretty well-balanced person before I came here, but now I feel stronger and more convinced than ever. I know not the entirety of who I am, but enough to proceed on the next step with more confidence, more hope, belief, and love than I had thought possible 2 years ago.

And you know what? I'm fighting for freedom. My freedom, and others' freedom. I need it for my goals. Do they seem selfish? I for one think that without a career, I cannot offer much. I will not rest until I get to where I want to be (that is, metaphorically speaking, and not in terms of location).

And I had hoped to write a story as well today, but time is an issue, and as such the story will have to wait for another time.

Thanks for being here with me. I will end with another passage that has helped me recently:

The painful truth is that at each stage of our lives we are dissatisfied, unhappy and anxious a large part of the time. No matter how often we are reminded of this fact by philosophers and religious seers – or, more agonizingly, by events in our own lives – we only occasionally and momentarily accept its validity. We cannot, of course, deny that pain, dissatisfaction and disillusionment are inevitable aspects of human experience, but we can and do seek to minimize their significance. For example, we may attempt to treat painful aspects of experience as exceptional or even accidental. No matter what we have gone through, we tell ourselves with a stubbornness which has something magnificent about it that the next phase of our lives will fulfill more of our longings and give us less cause to feel wretched. Only exceptional men, or the rest of us in moments of exceptional honesty, face the possibility that there may be something about life itself which is inimical to our desire for happiness.
- F&u

Source for quotes:
F&u - Simon O. Lesser - Fiction and the unconscious

Smile :)

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Tue, 4 Mar 2008 12:41:00 -0800

Better by far you should forget and smile than you should remember and be sad.
-- Christina Rossetti

:)

Excuses

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Sat, 2 Feb 2008 19:18:00 -0800

The trick is not how much pain you feel - but how much joy you feel. Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses.
- Erica Jong
We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse.
- Joseph Rudyard Kipling, 1865 - 1936

I thought: hey, one could always use a reminder. Enjoy your life, it's the only one you have. Besides, if you can read this, you're probably better off than most of the world. You might think that what you have is no big deal, but try to imagine getting all of this when you have nothing... not a thing. And look for reasons not to worry, before you decide to do so - not the other way.

Feel the joy! Jump around! Be happy, be in the world. No excuses.

Darwin for beginners

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 14:01:00 -0800

I'm taking an Anthropology class this semester and found passages in the book that caught my attention:

1.

The point is, scientific curiosity is not a native human talent. It has to be shaped and directed by social situations; institutional arrangements and vested interests, which give certain inquiries their characteristic verve and momentum.

In his great book "The Road to Xanadu" John Livingston Lowes discusses the origins of Coleridge's Ancient Mariner. He shows how the facts and images Coleridge obtained from ceaseless reading eventually returned to be incorporated in one of the gratest poems of the English language. Lowes points out that this material would have been useless, unless it had been forgotten first. It had to be plunged into the transforming depths of Coleridge's unconscious imagination before it could be retrieved and reordered.

Two things to make you think...

neversayers

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 15:41:00 -0800

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- Benjamin Franklin

List of what to never say. I'm trying to learn. And why does it always have to be the hard way?
For that, I have no answer. Still, here's a list.
For all of these and more that I can't remember (shamefully), I'm sorry. I'm sorry...
(You live, you learn, right? - Alanis Morissette song)

(I'm sorry, but) it's not my fault

Sure, no problem - when someone asks for something. Correction: use "my/with pleasure", "i'd love to", express concrete wish to help, not like you're doing a favor

I made a mistake, it will never happen again (see, because it has that "never" there?)

never

always

TBC

It had to be said

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Fri, 4 Jan 2008 23:20:00 -0800

Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.
- Mary Manin Morrissey

Since the year's fresh, it's time to realize that living happens now and here and stop waiting for something to come.
Life's all the time, isn't it?

Some other times

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 22:19:00 -0800

How strange that only when you grow past a certain age you are capable of deluding yourself ... from your own self, for, perhaps, any amount of time.

---
NOTE:
Before I start... storytelling, I have an announcement:
Because of, let's say, previous experiences, I would like to point out that, out of all my writings, only some match my beliefs, while others contain one or more of the following (or others not yet mentioned :D):
- random ideas that someone might think of - either someone in general or I hear them somewhere (and/or I picked up on from others, or from the daily life)
- thoughts against myself (which I do because I find it clears the mind marvelously; plus, it gets rid of some nasty prejudices, try it!)
- moody swings (I'm not a girl, but hey! guys still get moody!)
- what if's of my own but not that I necessarily believe

In summary, this is a "don't judge what you read as my own beliefs" kind of message. I do value someone's beliefs, and on a great account I feel closer to those people that believe in the same things I do (don't we all?) but because beliefs are beliefs and nothing more, it would be unfair to dismiss someone simply because of what they believe...

Have you ever tried to argue against what's most dear to you? You must know how hard it is, then. If you try to start an argument on something that you're sensitive to, try not being one sided about it! *sigh*

Alright, this was perhaps because I'm setting the grounds for a big controversial thingy. Now, back to the story...
---

Getting busy with work.
Or school.
Hanging out with friends.
Listening to music, yelling it out loud.
Driving fast.
Writing about it. Not once, not twice.
Hope, hidden deep down - so well hidden that you don't even realize it's the first feeling you have in the morning; that along with the bittersweet taste of reality - that things will happen, someway or another, to make your dream come true.

You can't if you're a kid. How could a child lie to oneself? No, he couldn't!
It's like a sad story, that of growing up. You're born with this tiny mind and a huge huge heart. You learn so much, feel so much, everything that happens around you fires up your heart at first. You almost "love" or "hate" everything. But then you get older, and you stop feeling strongly about things. You realize that Santa Claus doesn't really exist. Or that your little pet didn't really go to Honolulu for the past 6 months. You come to know there are other people in this world, you become aware of them.
And so much else.
Gradually, slowly, you distance your mind from your heart. If you suffer, you pull away - IF you can. Then, even if you involve yourself again, you know you can pull back. And that's how it starts. When you're happy, you go for it! Again, and again... ah, and happiness makes everything most subjective.

We instinctively know when we're happy with our lives. Isn't it funny how you are so self-focused when you're happy? I don't mean to say self-centered. Or selfish. Happiness does not necessarily mean you're selfish. I think that depends on your attitude and beliefs, spiritual strength, will... stuff like that. Perhaps, to be more clear, I should make sense of the happiness I'm talking about: the kind that gives you butterflies in the stomach (does it have to be love? I don't know), excites you from head to toe and almost forces you to get out of bed full of LIFE! Damn it! YES!
Hah! High five!

So, being self-focused is good. It's knowing you love your place in the world, yeah!
[...]
We might have happy moments, but we're not happy all the time. We might have an overall happy life, though, isn't that great?

The TV's turned on, right beside me. I skipped through the list of channels and saw "The Notebook" title right on there. I wanted to see it again.
I knew it'd take me back in time, back to memories. I knew I'd tend to advocate one thing or another after/while watching it. I went back and forth only to realize that having something to go back and forth for gives me strength. Having to face myself and enjoying it is something I have been long missing.

I'm happy. I'm happy! :)
It's evanescent, probably, but I feel happy.
Feels like that quote:
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? - Charles M. Schulz

I saw "The Shape of Things" yesterday. It's now one of my top movies ever! I'd strongly recommend it to anyone... The movie forces so many questions out of oneself that I can't even begin to say why one should see it! Seduction, truth, art, change, superficiality, what love is... what's real versus what is not.

Scraps of a bigger picture...

"Do I really have to make sense?"
"Meh. Only if you want to..."
"Good. Cause I don't want to right now."
*nods*
Really complex. I know.

I love playing the piano! Just can't wait for that holiday time so I could do it all I want... Fur Elise, sing it with me! (Was he really deaf?)

Oh, speaking of selfishness, I thought of altruism and generosity, about how much one tends to postpone it for later (aka typically when one can do it wholeheartedly and meaningfully), and how one ends up not doing it at all...

I'm going to go dream now :)
It's almost one.
Thinking of you... dear to me... here's a special felt thought reaching out to you!

Thoughts, thoughts, random thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Sat, 3 Nov 2007 22:14:00 -0700

If I had more time, space... ahhh! Actually, I've got just fragments that might one day develop into full ideas...

I wonder whether we should believe that everything we get in life is one-time only, I wonder if we should keep holding on desperately, to everything we've got... I wonder. Doesn't it make more sense to take everything as it comes? To accept every single day annd thing that happens. Just, because... You can't change the past (yet). The first thing you have to do with it, then, is accept that it happened. It's irreversible, as far as your humble human powers are concerned. There's nothing you can do about it, except write "history" as if it never happened. But it has happened. And that's it.
What remains, then, is your decision. What are you gonna do about it?
So, you had a car accident and the other guy's suing you. So what? Huh? Do something. Be smart about it. You know, feel life as you feel it, but, with that thought in mind - that everything from the past stays there.
Since you can only do something once and there's no Ctrl+Z, you better do it well.

But I'm trying to reach farther than that.
I'm trying to say that even if you lose the dearest people in your life. Even if you've got nothing more to lose, you still should not fight as if your life depended on it. What does your life really depend on? Not much. Actually, very little. Like a dear friend told me once, Gandhi didn't need much to live (and even do it happily). I'm not gonna get into all that how-wasteful-we-are kinda thing. We waste everyday: time, plastic, paper, electricity, water, money. What else? Plenty!

Anyway, back to the point. I shouldn't say "whatever happens", I should say "habitually, most of what happens we take too seriously." Yeah! Lighten up, kid! You've got the whole world in your hands. You're not almighty, but you're not useless either. You're important - not as important, not more or less important than others.

I was just thinking about this because I felt I was struggling to do so many things I wanted to. Yet, I did. But I didn't take time off. You know, to feel better, to enjoy... Or, I did, but I even took that as precious time. And then I came around: Why am I being so stressed out? Because? Nothing. Really.

---

"You've got closure."
Gee. Umm. I don't know. Maybe I do. Actually, the worst break up of my life (and probably, hopefully, anyone's) was the first. But it wasn't that bad. I just really felt like I was alone. The shock, I guess, after spending so many days with someone, for the first time, and that throwing yourself all into it...
And yes, that still happens with future relationships! No, it's not less honest or more cautious in the future! It's however you want it to be. Just more experienced. Actually, experience in a huge number of areas is really helpful :)
Knowledge is power.
And the brain to help deal with it is also essential.
So, I think that if you really look at yourself, you're not that bad at it. At anything.
And yes, this connects to that thingy upstairs. The previous idea. Half-idea...

---

Random...

---

Blah blah...

---

Okay, focus :)
*nods*
I went to a wonderful dance show tonight.
(nothing to do with it, but the song "I'm walking on sunshine" is playing right now. No, not in my head...)
It was great. Really. I enjoyed it so much that it made me write all this friggin stuff. Yup. And the music was great, too. I feel refreshed. And like writing. And just for that, I'm gonna skip a couple of days of school, probably. Or just go to some of the classes. My favorite ones, of course :)

---

It's wonderful how people get involved into what they do so much. I have this really great friend that always took everything as lightly as possible. To him, life's as serious as it can be, except that nothing disturbs him too much. Of course, there's some routine in there, since he's so calm and balanced all the time, but, for the most part, it's amazing how he handles everything with so much ease. And laughter. Last time his girlfriend was really pissed at someone he laughed and kept teasing her. I kind of expected her to burst into tears, but she was so stubborn and frustrated by his attitude that she started chasing him... heh.
The day that his dog died, he just said it, with seriousness. And that was it. Not that it didn't matter, don't get me wrong. It's just that, well, it happened, and... the dog's not here anymore, and it's regrettable... But, yeah, there's also all the rest of life. I think that's, to some extent, part of being an adult, mature. Handling things. Taking it all in, yet not so as it kills you (cause then it won't do much good, except to the FBI or CIA if you're wanted dead or alive, maybe).

But I'm digressing...

Again :)

Alright, I'll be back to write some more, someday.
>hug<

Driving... home

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 16:39:00 -0700

I drive to school. Everyday, almost. And I listen to music and sing along. I speed, usually. And... think... but today I had a flashback.

I remembered when I was really little, and our family would be back home from whatever we went to see (countryside, sea, mountains)... and I remembered that road home, the curves and sights and I liked to look out the window of the car and see... what? What was there to see?
Not much. But that was everything. They all looked so familiar "We're almost home!" I and my brother said, we were... close enough. It was that strange sense of warmth and... and... places... full of memories, thoughts, little things that only kids notice. Things like some strange plants hanging outside a balcony, or the way a street curves left and then right like a snake, or the library with red lights on one corner... or some traffic light that always had a weird green color. Aw, man!
We had a really old car. But it had a name :)... Bianca. Yeah, that was it. And whenever dad put gas in, it'd smell really bad inside, and my brother and I hated that smell. We always wanted to stop on a long journey and breathe some fresh air. All that stupid gas made us dizzy. Yeah.

The way home... who would've thought that my short 15 minute ride home today would bring back those memories. Different country, place, no highway mostly... Oh, gosh. Does it mean I feel at home here, now? Does it just mean that I miss home?
Anyhow, I'm now definitely nostalgic about it...

Ah, childhood memories...

Badiou on the Immortal singularity of man

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 13:47:00 -0700

Badiou speaks about why man is more than just an animal...

An immortal: this is what the worst situations that can be inflicted upon Man show him to be, in so far as he distinguishes himself within the varied and rapacious flux of life. In order to think any aspect of Man, we must begin from this principle. So, if 'rights of man' exist, they are surely not rights of life against death, or rights of survival against misery. They are the rights of the Immortal, affirmed in their own right, or the rights of the Infinite, exercised over the contingency of suffering and death. The fact that in the end we all die, that only dust remains, in no way alters Man's identity as immortal at the instant in which he affirms himself as someone who runs counter to the temptation of wanting-to-be-an-animal to which circumstances may expose him. And we know that every human being is capable of being this immortal - unpredictably, be it in circumstances great or small, for truths important or secondary. In each case, subjectivation is immortal, and makes Man. Beyond this there is only a biological species, a 'biped without feathers', whose charms are not obvious.

amintiri paralele

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 13:56:00 -0700

--ea-- (12:35:27 PM): ce frumoasa si ce blanda ar fi viata daca am avea doar amintiri placute....
--ea-- (12:35:53 PM): amintiri care sa ne readuca zambetul pe fata cand suntem tristi...

--ea-- (12:35:58 PM): :)
--el-- (12:36:14 PM): ar fi un vis frumos dupa altul...
--el-- (12:36:15 PM): :)
--ea-- (12:36:26 PM): da....
--ea-- (12:36:35 PM): pacat ca intervine si realitatea...
--el-- (12:36:58 PM): poate n-ar mai fi asa de frumos visul daca ar fi numai el
--el-- (12:37:07 PM): poate ca dualitatea face ca totul sa aiba rost
--ea-- (12:37:12 PM): eu stiu...
--el-- (12:37:18 PM): :-< desi chestia cu sensul ma cam enerveaza
--ea-- (12:37:22 PM): eu tot ma gandesc ca insasi viata e un vis...
--ea-- (12:37:41 PM): sau cosmar, mai bne spus....
--ea-- (12:37:45 PM): pt unii...
--ea-- (12:37:46 PM): :D
--el-- (12:37:49 PM): :D
--el-- (12:38:06 PM): un vis intrerupt de noptile in care-l parasesti pentru realitati...
--ea-- (12:38:20 PM): :)
--ea-- (12:38:29 PM): realitati pralele cu aceasta
--ea-- (12:38:30 PM): :P
--el-- (12:38:45 PM): :)
--el-- (12:38:52 PM): poate sunt
--ea-- (12:39:05 PM): hmm....
--ea-- (12:39:10 PM): greu de crezut....
--ea-- (12:39:32 PM): eu nici in realitatea cotidiana nu prea cred...
--el-- (12:39:33 PM): pana la urma realitatea pare aia de care nu poti sa scapi pana mori
--el-- (12:39:34 PM): :D
--ea-- (12:39:40 PM): :))
--ea-- (12:39:51 PM): posibil....
--el-- (12:40:17 PM): :)
--el-- (12:40:18 PM): :))
--ea-- (12:40:30 PM): ;)

it's been so long, and yet he said stay far away

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Tue, 9 Oct 2007 21:57:00 -0700

Song from the past
I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

He sent it and then wanted to take a shower. Turning on the water, he could almost remember every time he cried his heart out in here. Last year. So many times. So many stupid fucking times.
But no, it wasn't going to be the last time. It's never going to end. And, surely, he didn't want it to. He just wanted to cry. Again. Probably the longest crying shower he ever took, so far...
He's still crying.
Why?

Because it's been so long.

Since what?

Since anything... and, even worse, since everything. All he wants to do is cry. Cry and let it out. And forget... It's no big deal, nothing's a big deal... it's just a few minutes of his life. It's no tragedy...

Sometimes, he wishes he could go back in time. Other times he wishes to go forward. When was the last time he wanted to just stay? DUring a test, maybe, and not even then for too long...

What's with the song?
A long, long time ago (sounds like Madonna's beginning American song)
...
she was there. He wasn't. She used to listen to this song. Well, no, actually, she just quoted it on her status, one day. But he read it. He cried so much over these lyrics. He was jealous. He was lost. He thought she'd been gone for someone else. He couldn't have been more wrong.

Why are you crying, then? our narrator asks.
Too many.

Too many reasons to even say.

Maybe because I should've cried 3 months ago, when I lost something that might not ever be back.
Maybe because I should've talked to him. To her. Maybe because I shouldn've fought more. Because I should've stepped off of that subway and not go to that stupid party on Tuesday, and stay with her. Maybe because I've been a horrible person for so long, that now I have to cry for all the past months' worth. Maybe because I just plainly don't know any other way out of this...

And that song's with him every step of the way. He wants to run away. He wants to stay. He wants to do things right, this time around. He just wishes, for once, things could be simpler. He wants strength, motive, the power to move on... but he wants to learn, he wants to take it all in and deal with it. He doesn't want the easy way out. He never did.
Most of all, he wants her. And he wants it right.

He wants it all. And maybe, just maybe that's not possible anymore. Maybe he doesn't deserve it all, maybe he never did.

I'm sorry, world! He says.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I let myself down.
And if you're reading this although I warned you not to, I'm sorry I ever hurt you.

He thinks too much. Wants too much. Does too much. When does he ever relax?
Why doesn't he just relax?

Cause life isn't the way he wants it. And, for the past year, it has rarely been. Could it ever be again? Should he even hope?

Well, why doesn't he just take it as it comes, just leave all thought out of this, and make it easy for himself, and for others. Just deal with everything as it comes along and stop looking at the big, sad, fucking picture for so long. Carpe diem, small steps, little by little and he'll know which way to go, right?
Why don't we all do that?

Because, sometimes, all he wants to do is cry. Cry, cry, cry...

Socrates' Apology

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Tue, 9 Oct 2007 19:10:00 -0700

Quotes from the Apology. I always choose what means most to me... hope you like them.

You remember Chaerephon's character - how impulsive he was in carrying through whatever he took in hand. Once he went to Delphi and ventured to put this question to the oracle - I entreat you again, my friends, not to interrupt me with your shouts - he asked if there was anyone who was wiser than I. The priestess answered that there was no one. Chaerephon himself is dead, but his brother here will witness to what I say.
Now see why I tell you this. I am going to explain to you how the prejudice against me has arisen. When I heard of the oracle I began to reflect: What can the god mean by this riddle? I know very well that I am not wise, even in the smallest degree. [...]
I went to a man who was reputed to be wise, thinking that there, if anywhere, I should prove the answer wrong, and meaning to point out to the oracle its mistake, and to say, "You said that I was the wisest of men, but this man is wiser than I am." So I examined the man, but this was the result, Athenians. When I conversed with him I came to see that, though a great many persons, and most of all himself thought that he was wise, yet he was not wise. Then I tried to prove to him that he was not wise, though he fancied that he was. By so doing I made him indignant {like a gadfly, how my phil teacher called him :D}, and many of the bystanders. So when I went away, I thought to myself, "I am wiser than this man: neither of us knows anything that is really worth knowing, but he thinks that he has knowledge when he has not, while I, having no knowledge, do not think that I have. I seem, at any rate, to be a little wiser than he is on this point: I do not think that I know what I do not know."
[...]
From this examination, Athenians, has arisen much fierce and bitter indignation, and as a result a great many prejudices about me. People say that I am "a wise man." For the bystanders always think that I am wise myself in any matter wherein I refute another. But, gentlemen, I believe that the god is really wise, and that by this oracle he meant that human wisdom is worth little or nothing. I do not think that he meant that Socrates was wise. He only made use of my name, and took me as an example, as though he would say to men, "He, among you, is the wisest who, like Socrates, knows that his wisdom is really worth nothing at all."

When the generals whom you chose to command me, Athenians, assigned me my station during the battles of Potidaea, Amphipolis, and Delium, I remained where they stationed me and ran the risk of death, like other men. It would e very strange conduct on my part if I were to desert my station now from fear of death or of any other thing when the god has commanded me - as I am persuaded that he has done - to spend my life in searching for wisdom, and in examining myself and others. [...] For to fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise without really being wise, for it is to think that we know what we do not know. For no one knows whether death may not be the greatest good that can happen to a man. But men fear it as if they knew quite well that it was the greatest of evils. And what is this but that shameful ignorance of thinking that we know what we do not know?"

Even if you acquit me now, and do not listen to Anytus' argument that, if I am to be acquitted, I ought never to have been brought to trial at all, and that, as it is, you are bound to put me to death because, as he said, if I escape, all your sons will be utterly corrupted by practicing what Socrates teaches. If you were therefore to say to me, "Socrates, this time we will not listen to Anytus. We will let you go, but on the condition that you give up this investigation of yours, and philosophy. If you are found following these pursuits again, you shall die." I say, if you offered to let me go, on these terms, I should reply: "Athenians, I hold you in the highest regard and affection, but I will be persuaded by the god rather than you. As long as I have breath and strength I will not give up philosophy and exhorting you and declaring the truth to every one of you whom I meet, saying, as I am accustomed."

He is condemned to death.

I have been convicted because I was wanting, not in arguments, but in impudence and shamelessness - because I would not plead before you as you would have liked to hear me plead, or appeal to you with weeping and wailing, or say and do many other things which I maintain are unworthy of me, but which you have been accustomed from other men."

Although some of Socrates' arguments are reductive, the famous wise man described by Plato is highly regarded as one of the most notable figures in philosophy (not to mention ancient philosophy). The Greek system of laws and judges was amazing :)

So, what do you think?:)

facing ancient philosophy

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Sun, 7 Oct 2007 18:03:00 -0700

By explaining generation and destruction, if not all change, in terms of mixture and separation, Empedocles sought to reconcile Heraclitus's insistence on the reality of change with the Eleatic claim that generation and destruction are unthinkable. Going back to the Greeks' traditional belief in four elements, he found a place for Thales' water, Anaximenes' air, and Heraclitus's fire, and he added earth as the fourth. In addition to these four elements, which Aristotle would later call "material causes" Empedocles postulated two "efficient causes": strife (Heraclitus's great principle) and love. He envisaged four successive ages: an age of love or perfect mixture in the beginning; then gradual separation as strife enters; then complete separation as strife rules; finally, as love enters again, a gradual remixture.

How romantic... :X Four elements + two causes of everything, babe.

Anaxagoras taught that everything consists of an infinite number of particles or seeds, and that in all things there is a portion of everything. Hair could not come from what is not hair, nor flesh come from what is not flesh. The names we apply to things are determined by the preponderance of certain seeds in them - for example, hair seeds or flesh seeds. Like Empedocles, he added to such "material causes" an "efficient cause" to account for the motion and direction of things; however, unlike Empedocles' two, Anaxagoras added only one "efficient cause", which was mind, in Greek. The introduction of mind led Aristotle to hail Anaxagoras as the only sober man among the Pre-Socratics; yet Aristotle found fault with Anaxagoras for not making more use of this new principle to explain natural events.

Could Buddhism be a li'l related to this concept?

Atomism accepted Parmenides' idea that being must be one seamless whole but posited an infinite number of such "one's." According to Democritus, the world is made up of tiny "un-cutables" that move within the "void" (corresponding to Parmenides' non-being). These atoms combine in different patterns to form the material objects of the observable world. Democritus applied this understanding of reality to human beings as well. Both the soul and the body are made up of atoms. Perception occurs when atoms from objects outside the person strike the sense organs inside the person, which in turn strike the atoms of the soul further inside. Death, in turn, is simply the dissipation of the soul atoms when the body atoms no longer hold them together.

- about Democritus
And death is always so romantic, no matter how you put it... Did you ever think about that?

I think that...

Quizzing for (my) destiny...

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Sat, 6 Oct 2007 21:08:00 -0700

(my) because maybe destiny is not anyone's. "What you're destined to do", sounds like such a cliche. Perhaps a better way to say it would be "what you feel you should do", so that we avoid all that destiny crap that's so arguable...

Quiz 1.
What career will suit your personality?

You would be very happy in a career that utilised your level-headedness, and allowed you to work mainly on your own. You want a career that allows you to be creative, without having to be involved with lots of people. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:

* Artist
* Historian
* Banker
* Novelist
* University Professor
* Photographer
* Vet
* Paralegal
* Graphic Designer
* Online Content Developer
* Webmaster
* Producer
* Managing Director
* Nutritionist
* Advertising
* Nursing

You like working and being alone. You like to avoid attention at all costs. You tend to keep to yourself, and not interact much with the people around you. You enjoy spending time with a few a close friends. You like to listen to others, but don't like sharing much about yourself. You are very quiet and private.

You are very practical, and only act after thinking things through. You don't like being forced to answer quickly. You have to evaluate the situation completely. You make decisions based on what you can verify with your senses.

You like to be deeply involved in one or two special projects. You like to be behind the scenes. You are very logical and fair. You feel you should be honest with others and protect their feelings.

You trust your gut instincts. You are easily inspired and trust that inspiration. You are very innovative. You analyse things by looking at the big picture. You are concerned about how what you do affects others. You worry about your actions and the future. You tend to use a lot of metaphors and are very descriptive and colourful in your choice of language.

You are very creative, and get bored easily if you don't get to express yourself. You like to learn new things. You don�t like the same old routine. You like to leave your options open.

So... erm... I disagree with working all alone and avoiding all attention. I do like to share things mostly with a select group of friends, but I don't like being alone. Working alone, perhaps... I'm quiet and private but only when I'm not in love or really excited about something (which is more often than likely) and I'm optimistic. I don't see a lonely person as being optimistic. But I love some of those predictions!!!

joke

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Sat, 6 Oct 2007 16:28:00 -0700

Conversation between two students:

- Hey, man, how do drugs feel like?
- I don't know :(, I don't live on campus...

This related to the fact that campus people tend to, kind of, erm, well... let them tell you what life's like on campus :)

maybe I thought you weren't like everybody else

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 13:08:00 -0700

He and She. He takes her home. They talk and get ready to part for the evening.
He says, then she, etc:
- i had a really good time tonight
- yeah, i did too!
- here.
- what's that?
- my share of the dinner.

- no, no, no. look, i'm the one who asked you out, and it wouldn't be an official date if i wouldn't pay.
- well how about i flip you for it?
- no, i'm sorry.
- come on, you're afraid you'll lose!
- no, you are unbelievable...
- (joking around) you're terrified, you're shaking.
- oh, alright. heads...
- (flips coin, falls heads) you lose.
- let me see that.
- no.
- let me see that...
- no!
- let me see that!
(grabs coin)
- that's two tails, you cheated!
- no, i didn't. i gave you the option, you chose heads.
- 84% of the time everyone's gonna say heads when asked.
- well maybe i thought you weren't like everybody else.
- maybe you're right. i'll see you.
- i'll raise you.
- what?
- it's just something i used to say to my dad.
- good night.
- good night. sweet dreams.

(movie "All in", 2006)

I won't say anything. I'll just add another quote. But if you'll comment, I'll reply.

"It will have been noticed that, in this philosophy, there reigns an alternative: the encounter may not take place, just as it may take place. Nothing determines, no principle of decision determines this alternative in advance; it is of the order of a game of dice. 'A throw of the dice will never abolish chance.' Indeed! A successful encounter, one that is not brief, but lasts, never guarantees that it will continue to last tomorrow rather than come undone. Just as it might not have taken place, it may no longer take place: 'fortune comes and changes', affirms Borgia, who succeeded at everything until the famous day he was stricken with fever. In other words, nothing guarantees that the reality of the accomplished fact is the guarantee of its durability. Quite the opposite is true: every accomplished fact, even an election, like all the necessity and reason we can derive from it, is only a provisional encounter, and since every encounter is provisional even when it lasts, there is no eternity in the 'laws' of any world or any state. History her is nothing but the permanent revocation of the accomplished fact by another undecipherable fact to be accomplished, without our knowing in advance whether, or when, or how the event that revokes it will come about. Simply, one day new hands will have to be dealt out, and the dice thrown again on the empty table."
- Louis Althusser, "Philosophy of the Encounter"

Question: What if love was this way, what if everything that happens is just... chance?

yep, it's official, I'm weird! (un)fortunately so's the world

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 19:28:00 -0700

So...

I've just seen a documentary on aspartame. You wouldn't believe how poisonous human beings can be to their own selves (or, you would, if you were like me). And then comes the phrase "yeah, but it's all business, really", which is why I put this quote up on my blog:

This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasnt the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
- Douglas Adams

I'm sad. Sad... Sometimes I wish I could erase this world with a hand towel or something, and "write" it back.

So, umm, what else... the last few weeks of my life deal with philosophy, CS, dancing, and math circles. Reading, lots and lots of reading, logic, jumping and moving on classical music (:X) and probably soon-to-come midterms. It's good, at least I like what I'm doing very much. And then I keep busy all the time. To be honest, the only part of my life I wish were better is social. But I don't feel so hurried anymore... or, rather, I'm determined to take things as they come, feel as I feel and... just deal with it.

I realized that I really like to cook! :) Which is so cool, because I also like to eat :D
For now I'm just sticking to salads, with all sorts of ingredients, but I'm planning to learn some actual stove stuff soon! I hope.

It's 7:35PM and the sky looks... amazing. It makes me dream, of what's going to be, what's going to happen to the world, to my family, to my friends...
Speaking of family, I think I'm gonna be closer to them for the next couple of years. Being so far, for so long, was just something I had accepted (or thought I did) and then I did not even realize that I'm not actually coming back.

It feels like time just passes by. And I do so much that I want, but I'm missing out on the whole of who I am. I'm always missing out. Gotta go to concerts, rock concerts, or punk, or gothic... and then learn piano, and do math, teach or tutor, do web programming, explore nature and go to Great America, find someone I could get close to again... or have someone close back here...

Shhh. Snap out of it. Back to life. Somehow, along the way of growing up, it's been established (or perceived) that being an adult takes the adventure out of life (maybe that's because I'm not exactly surrounded by adventurous people - not in the all-fun-and-no-work-kinda-way anyhow). And I refuse to accept that! Growing up doesn't mean you lose it all, you can still be crazy and impulsive and have all sorta wishes and dreams and hopes, and you can still wanna meet someone great in the bus or subway, or on the street, or read a book standing upside down in a tree, or, heck, I dunno, just do something unusual cause you damn well feel like it. As disney's "The spectrum song" says: "What ever happened to the plain old dilly-dilly-dilly-dilly... dilly..."

Sometimes when I meet someone and he/she's so different from me (yep, pretty often), and I hear things from that person, that he/she likes, or does, I always, somehow, understand, or feel, have felt, lived, believed, thought that too,... and, as long as it's still part of me, I can always say "I know what you mean", or "so do I". And, like someone very dear to me once said she's been told, "you seem over 40". I'm not exactly the same way, but, at least at this point, I feel that way. Like no matter how different from me that person is - no, actually, better: the more that person differs from me, the closer I feel to the him/her.
And to think that all this' been inspired from a friend's phrase: "dude, all your friends are WEIRD!"
YEP! Say hello to the weird me! (new version is long-haired and headbanded, batteries not included ;) )

So, anyway, as I said, I've been upto no good lately - much reading, actually, of Ancient Greek philosophy, and here are a few phrases I've very much enjoyed:

Xenophanes:
- “mortals suppose that the gods are born and have clothes and voices and shapes like heir own”
- “there is one god, among gods and men the greatest, not at all like mortals in body or mind”
- “he sees as a whole, thinks as a whole, and hears as a whole”
- “he moves everything by the thought of his mind”
- “he always remains in the same place, not moving at all”
- “everything comes from earth and returns to earth in the end”
- “no man knows or ever will know the truth about gods and about everything I speak of”

So, the first couple of ones, about the entity of god as a whole fits right in with how I (and probably many of you) feel (or have felt) about this world: it's all one. big. giant. whole. and ALL is GOD, and GOD is ALL, because everything IS, everything is created and therefore creation, and the creator it(or him, if you prefer:P)-self is everywhere, omnipresent and omnipotent.

The "everything comes from earth and returns to earth in the end" part reminds me of this funny little quote:

If my decomposing carcass helps nourish the roots of a juniper tree or the wings of a vulture - that is immortality enough for me. And as much as anyone deserves.
- Edward Abbey

Anyone out there who happens to read any of this crap here and think it's not that bad, just comment, would ya? Even if it's offtopic. I really feel like talking :)

Alright, hope you had a great weekend!
Here's some other links that I've recently read:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood-brain_barrier
http://www.the-scientist.com/news/display/53138/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyclamate
http://www.stevia.net/
http://www.aspartamesafety.com/FAQ.htm
http://www.elmhurst.edu/~chm/vchembook/549acesulfame.html

^_^
|_|
(uhm, nvm)

I'd rather be

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 15:20:00 -0700

I'd rather be a has been
then a might have been by far,
for a might have been
has never been,
but a has been
was once an Are.

I'd rather be a could be
if I couldn't be an Are,
for a could be is a maybe
with a chance of reaching far.

(unknown author)

meet ... uhm ... someone

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 00:37:00 -0700

I just saw "Meet Joe Black". My head's full of ideas. It hurts. I can't get them all out but I'll go with the flow.

What's it like to live knowing when you'll die?
Would you perhaps go to that girl and tell her, with your voice trembling: "Hey, I was waiting for you. I have to tell you something before I chicken out and never say it: I think... you're... I think you're the most... you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen"
"Why thank you", she would say, and then maybe, just maybe, you won't run out on her because you're too emotional to say something else.

Or you might go to that girl and say "Can I see you again?"
And then she'd say something like "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend", with a not-so-happy face, just so you won't take it as worst as possible...

Wish I could set my mind free. Wish I could sleep without the continuous racking in my head, the random pieces of thoughts and feelings that just don't let me be one... whole...
I am me. I behave like me. I'm wishing, dreaming, feeling, living... just not entirely where I am, yet. Some parts of me are... scattered.

And that's why you're here.
You'll help me come back together. You'll say things to me that nobody else would say. And I'll tell you anything, cause you're not like anyone else.

There are times in life when you have to stop and deal with yourself. Leave everyone else alone, not burden them with yourself and finally go, do it, be you, on your own, take life by the hand and walk beside it.
"I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry"

It's easy. Leave things to rest for a while. And remember what you were thinking: if you hadn't had it, you wouldn't be so sad to have lost it. And don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. And nothing's ever over. And love is something you must never lose your faith in. And hope dies last, it's what gets you out of bed each morning. And courage is the mastery of fear. And you want to leave this Earth with no regrets. And... it's a wonderful world! Carpe diem! Don't worry, be happy!

Don't overburden yourself! Take it easy. Clear your head. Write here... write here, take a break. Write all you wish to write, to whomever you wish to write, here, if you can. Take a break.

I'm not discouraged, I just hate feeling behind on feeling. That sounds circular, but what it means is that I'd rather feel okay with everything, and I'm not sure I am. I'm not sure how to be, except by letting it all flow. And this is how it flows...

Welcome, to a new post. First? Last? Probably not.
Welcome, to a new step forward, hopeful, more loving, more honest, and... happier.

I'll be back.

this time i turn to you

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 16:01:00 -0700

I haven't been here in a long time. Very long time.
I have friends.
I am in love.
I have parents. Relatives.
People I could talk to. Relate to. Feel close to. That could help me with my problems, or at least make me feel better. But right now I don't want any of that.
Do I want to be like a rock or what? I dunno, but this time, the reason I feel like talking to you is... cause you only have to listen. Don't say anything. It's a diary.
Now I turn to you.

Hi.
I'm Paul.
I've been thinking too much about too many. Or too little. Forgot who I am? Not exactly, though I don't feel perfectly at home either.
Yeah, I'm more self-sufficient now, that's the least I can tell. I've just read in a book that men tend to go solve other problems or do things to help'em forget their problems if they've in a difficult situation. And, for 6 months or so...

I've been feeling the urge to live through exciting stuff, taste extreme tastes, drive faster, take on challenges - in short, live more intensely than ever. Is this me, or is this just someone I'm trying to be to help me cope with all the changes I'm going through?
There's no help in this. I just know there isn't. I have to try it and see where it leads me. Cause nobody knows it better than me.
I've had a wonderful summer, though with a lot of mistakes.
And, as I write this, I keep thinking of the people that would read it. My friends. My love. People I love. What would they think, feel, say, ... ?
I've got so many ambitions for this following year. Can I make it? I feel disorganized. Like I should take some time off and figure out my priorities.

So, here I go.
Philosophy. Definitely.
Math. For sure.
CS. Of course.
English. Writing. Reading. Culture in general. Indispensable.
Love. Friends. Family. Girlfriend. Having faith in love. Essential.
Experimenting new things. Expect the unpredictable, in a way. It's part of me.
Doing something that matters. Something to put my heart in.

I'm changing. I already have changed. I've stopped relying on someone else so much. Actually, I didn't need someone else that much, but I wanted to. The truth is that I want someone to live my life with. Even at my age. I do. Really. And having someone, loving someone, being with someone and being happy is wonderful, for me. And it's a challenge, which I also like.
My friends give me a sense of self and my life partner gives me happiness. It's true - I could be happy with just living a lovely life with someone. But I am much more with all you guys. To be the most of me, I need a lot, but just to be me, I don't. Subtle difference, can you see it?
And I've got so much to do, so I hope that will keep me from being sad.
I love so many people. And I felt so troubled without them last year. My home is still not here, but, this time, I plan on making a home out of myself, grabbing on to life and making the most out of every opportunity. Putting heart in all of it. Calming down, in a way, releasing the stress. Yet also keeping that -live it to the max- feeling.

I'll be back to write more, soon. Perhaps I'll rearrange this blog a bit.

Life in loneliness?

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Sun, 20 May 2007 23:00:00 -0700

I've just been thinking that maybe something strange is happening to the world: everyone's getting lonelier. It might be just me, growing up, and I'm sure others like me had this same thought once, but with people moving, internet growing, long distance communication easier and cheaper everyday, people become more and more indifferent to their neighbors and active to others that are far away... and that's the story of long distance relationships and lonely beings with no friends. Why? Why not care about your neighbors?

Well, there are still some that hate the internet and every pen-friendish relationship, so they go for the natural hang-out-with-whoever's-around kinda thing. So that's encouraging. But for those who don't choose so, their reason is generally: because it's easier, more convenient, and if I move, I don't have to worry about leaving my friends behind. But is that really life?
What I've seen here in the US is that most people work, and have no friends. No real friends, anyway. They all have "friends" they party with, people they waste time around with, but there's really nobody they can buzz at 2 o'clock in the morning at the door and start crying cause their girlfriend or boyfriend was an ass. They don't go through life-threatening challenges and generally have no time to spare for a random person they just met. Everyone's working or going to school, or both! It's like we've forgotten what gives our life meaning...
It's OTHERS people, it's others! If you were the only person on this planet, there would be no sense to living! So why, then, choose to live off of some imaginary relationship with no hope of ever turning real? To satisfy your own social needs? How can you really help your friends if they have an accident, or God knows what else? Oh, gee, and to think that some actually tell me that's they way they want to lead their whole life...

Am I just being paranoid or is there something really happening?
Have your say in this, leave a comment.

[Long story short] Five

noreply@blogger.com (Gewissen) — Thu, 3 May 2007 18:31:00 -0700

J: Go away! Leave me alone.
M: I should have never left.
J: You had to leave!
M: No. I didn't have to. I thought it was for the best. For OUR best... I shouldn't have left.

J: We are strangers now...
M: No, we're not... it might seem so, cause it's been so long...
J: That's no different.
M: In feeling, it isn't. But...
There was a long silence.
M: ... I still love you. I love you so much. I love you even more than before, and we've survived! We really have...
J: I didn't. You should have left me months ago.
M: I got you into this. I didn't let you go. I did all the wrong things. Hate me, please, hate me.
J: I did. I don't anymore.
M: Do you even care?
J: No, I don't care. You can do whatever you want, I will never love you again, ever. Never ever, and she crossed her arms.
M: I will always love you...

And in a moment she went from stone cold to crying her heart out.
J: Just... hold... me...
And he did. And they looked at each other's rings...
J: I'm sorry. I just...
M: You don't have to say anything. We're here now, love. Love is everything...
J: Yeah, she said, wiping the tears off her cheeks, yeah...
M: See, you're still alive... we're still here...
J: (sobbing) Yeah...

A long time ago:
J: Don't you dare go away now!
M: I'll be back. You know it!
J: I don't know if I can live without you...
M: Remember what I said? Remember that I told you I know I'll be fine without you, if we ever broke up?
J: I hated that. You should have never said it.
M: I should have never... I was wrong. I thought life always goes on, but it doesn't. We go on, our lives might stand still... You are my life. I mean it! I love you and I always will, and I won't ever be the same without you.
J: Don't go away...
M: I'm not going away away, I'm just ... You know what? I can stay. I can stay if you want me to.
J: Then stay.
She crossed her arms.
M: I think we can make it here too. Really! I don't have to go...
J: Yeah...
M: I'm a jerk, even for thinking I could leave you. Why do you love me so much?
J: There's never too much, you know that...
M: There might be... we never know...
J: Please go. Don't stay here, we both know that's what you have to do.
M: And you?
J: I'll make it. I'll come to you. I'll work my ass off and I'll follow you, baby.
M: You have the power, you know... you should never doubt that. You're the strongest woman I know...
J: No, I'm not. I'm just strongly in love with you...
M: That's half right. I love you too. But it's not true, you do know how to suffer, but you aren't weak, and we're in on this... we both believe in... us. You'll be alright, everything will be alright, we'll be together forever... You're... you...
And in one sentence he wished to say it all. All what?
M: I'll be back.
J: I'll miss you...
M: I'll miss you too...
J: Don't cry...
M: You don't cry...
They were wiping each other's tears.
There weren't any great words to be said. What for? Just to make it even harder to handle? No, all they could do was look at each other - one last time - and head away, for a long, long time.
He was thinking: I love her, run back, grab her, hold her, show her one more time that I will be back, that I will be with her, that we'll both be alright, I love her...
She was thinking: I love him, I love him, please, bring him back to me, please, don't make me feel hate, I love him, I love him, please...
They weren't even leaving and they were already picturing their next day together...

Back:
He was back.
He was back.
M: Three words: I love you.
J: I love you too...
M: I missed you...
J: I missed you too.
M: Baby...

All they have is love...

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