Tuesday I had planned to go to the cinema, but yet again got caught up with housework. Deciding to wash all of my clothes may be a sensible idea, but it takes a very long time. Got a bit of out and about time thanks to a visit from my mother, we went to Clydebank for a bit of a wander and some shopping. My housework got the seal of approval from my mother, though I still have a lot more that I need to do. Wednesday I was meant to be rehearsing with the band, but Steve had injured his head the night before. Was more concerned for his health. You have to be careful with head injuries, as I learned years ago when I was mugged at the canal and left unconscious in a pool of my own tomatoes. Lack of rehearsal meant more washing, which I didn’t really mind. Eventually found out that Steve was all bandaged up and out of hospital, now with 18 stitches – ouch.

Thursday was a day of tidying, rehearsing on my own and going to Cope then my friend Jamie came round for a visit. It was good to have some company and just sit about catching up. After Jamie left I went to meet my friend Bob, for a cinema trip to see a midnight showing of Prometheus. Really enjoyed the film, and the nachos then we came back to my flat to watch Alien and Aliens with a 14″ jalapeño and extra cheese pizza.

Friday I was supposed to go uptown to see an art exhibition that Bob has a few pieces in, but panic and anxiety prevented that. I felt rotten for not making it, but the combination of public transport, bank holiday, nice day, Friday night and the likelihood of encountering drunken idiots meant that I couldn’t even face opening the blinds.

Saturday I was still feeling rotten and panicky, but I’d said I’d go to a house-warming/engagement party. The party started at 8, but panic delays meant that I didn’t actually get there until nearly 10. I felt a lot better when I eventually got there, friendly faces can be a great help. It was good to be out of the flat for a night, and I didn’t have the usual sense of dread when I was on my way home. The tidying is having a positive effect by the look of things.

On Sunday night Mark, Steve and Emmett came to visit me, it was great to see them all and we even did a little bit of rehearsing for the gig on Tuesday. We had beer and chili, we also watched the Hammer classic Curse of the Werewolf – that’s the Oliver Reed one. I’ve been more sociable this week than I have in months, but I still have a long way to go. I shouldn’t be so harsh on myself when I don’t manage to do something, people don’t manage to do things every single day. I have managed to do things this week, though I still had a few bad times. I decided not to dwell on them too much this week, preferring to highlight the positives instead. I guess that’s the secret. There will still be plenty of bad days, I just need to learn to deal with them better.

Anyway, had 31 missed calls in the one night last Monday – which I neglected to mention in the last blog. Yes, all 31 were from the same person. 18 on my mobile, 13 on my home phone. I wasn’t really in the mood to talk, so I didn’t.

Tuesday was Psychiatric Nurse day, and I’d planned to go to the cinema with a friend to see The Raid. Told the nurse all about the overdose as soon as I saw her, so that sort of ruined our plan for that meeting – which was to start work on a plan. We talked about the whens, the whats, the whys and the whos of my suicide attempt, it felt really good to get everything out in the open. In an odd way I guess that part of me may have gone that night, the part that hid my true feelings from everyone and did want to die. I don’t want to die now, but I also think I’m a lot less tolerant of bullshit and idiocy. I’m now Mr. Say-What-You-See, a walking version of the Roy Walker quiz Catchphrase.

My psychiatric nurse said that she won’t be reading the blog. That’s fine. Her reasoning for not reading it is that the time I spend with her is about that time, not about what I’ve written here. I do see her point but, given that I’ve hidden my feelings in the past, I also feel that reading this couldn’t really hurt at all as it may feature something which I don’t tell her about and which she may think needs looking into. Writing is therapeutic, but it also leaves a bit of an ‘I’ve already told someone that’ feeling which I’m not sure is 100% helpful for the therapy as I might mistake what I’ve put here for what I’ve told her. We’ll resume our ‘work on a plan’ idea this week. She gave me a list of negative phrases etc.. I’m to make sure I use them as little as possible, and to notice when I do use them.

The weather was very nice and the walk home felt like a bit of a new beginning, until I got back to my pigsty of a flat. It don’t mean ‘unhygienic pigsty’, just ‘careful, you’ll end up on a Hoarder TV show’ pigsty. I really do have too much stuff, does someone who lives alone really need three televisions? I’m not David Bowie or Syd Barrett, as you’ll know if you’ve heard my music. In case those references are lost on you: David Bowie sits and watches multiple televisions simultaneously in The Man Who Fell To Earth and Syd supposedly had quite a few televisions in his flat and even gave one of them to his doorman. In tribute to Syd I am giving one of my televisions, and probably a DVD player, to a friend so that her son can watch films and play games in his room – he’ll be ‘living the dream’.

The cinema trip never happened, I ended up doing something even better. I sat and looked around my living room for about an hour, thinking about the rearrangement plan I’d come up with the night before – but where to start? Easy really, everything that wasn’t to remain in that room got moved to my hall, my kitchen or the bin. By the end of the evening I had binned 6 black bags and the unit upon which my TV and fish tank sat. My coffee table got cleared off, pushed against a wall and then had a stereo and a newly cleaned fish tank placed on it, along with one much happier fish. The unit which had been against that wall replaced the TV unit and then had a TV placed upon it. See, not just a pretty face.

Since I live alone and rarely ever have more that 1 visitor at a time I also threw out my 2 seater couch, leaving me with a comfy armchair and a less comfy 3 seater couch. I’m getting another armchair, and there is already a small table in the space that’ll be between the chairs – need somewhere to put the tea cups now that the coffee table has been moved. I also had a lot of stuff to sort through, so the room tidying actually took up the latter half of Tuesday, all of Wednesday and part of Thursday. The other part of Thursday was when I decided to wash all of my clothes and get rid of any that I simply don’t need.

I created several large piles, types of garment all arranged so that I could tackle certain things first. My neighbour came in to see how the tidying was going, and offered to help with the mountains of clothes since her washing machine has a super speedy 30 minute cycle. Over the next few days we got quite a lot of it done, aided by the warm weather drying things overnight. I now just have a couple of bin bags worth to go, so I’ll do them over the next week.

I also walked into Clydebank on the Thursday, on my own. Might not seem like much, but that is a big deal to me. It was sunny outside, there were people about, I needed a break and wanted to buy a new washing line to hang the clothes on. I felt great after doing that. Then I started sorting out my kitchen, piling all the plates together, all the pots etc.. and I decided to wash all the stuff in there too, but I’d leave the washing until Saturday.

Friday night I was invited to a barbecue at my aunt and uncle’s. My cousin and her boyfriend had come up with the idea, and a great idea it was too. I hadn’t seen them in a few weeks and they’d gathered that something was wrong, I ended up telling them after a few awkward questions were asked. I probably blurted it out a bit, hoping to underplay the seriousness of the thing. I don’t know if that works or sounds callous. Anyway, given the fact that I was also talking about making improvements to my life I think they know that I’ll get through this eventually.

Saturday was a day of continuous dishes, clothes washing, sweeping and scrubbing. I really should have thought to buy gloves, my hands were quite sore from all the soaking they did that day and my fingers were all wrinkled. I decided to clean my kitchen and living room windows as well. Even though it had been gorgeously sunny, I’d only seen that when I went to Clydebank on the Thursday – my blinds were closed the rest of the time. My kitchen blind is still open, which amazes me.

Sunday was a day of rest for me, perhaps I was subliminally making myself ‘God of my flat’. That night I went to a gig for the first time in ages, Jim Bob from Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine. The gig was fantastic and I got to see a lot of pals for the first time in years. After the gig I decided that walking home might be fun. Walking through a city at 2am can be nice, and it was quite warm too. Within my first 2 miles I’d been stopped by Police four times. I wasn’t falling about or doing anything I shouldn’t, but I was quite near a Police station. Perhaps something had happened and they were looking for the culprit. Anyway, my gig ticket and new Jim Bob book seemed to serve as a reasonable enough alibi that they’d let me on my way fairly quickly. Still, it pissed me off. After the fourth stop I realised that I’d soon be nearing yet another Police station where, as one of the very few people on the street at that time, I’d likely find myself stopped again. I hopped in a taxi, annoyed that my nice walk was ruined.

Monday was quite lacking in memorable stuff thanks to my upstairs neighbour being his usual cuntish self and waking me with loud Adele songs at 9am. I have complained about him at least 30 times, but the housing officer is either hesitant to do anything or useless at her job, or both. Relaxed in my clearer surroundings, reading my new book. Buy it, it’s called Driving Jarvis Ham and is very good indeed – Jim has a very conversational writing style which makes it easy to get through his novels in a couple of sittings, one sitting if you’ve nothing else to do. 2am, just as I was about to fall asleep, Cunty McCuntface upstairs returned with some of his pals. Hopefully he’ll bring underlay back one time, I’m fed up hearing the most stereotypical Glaswegian alcoholic noises whilst I’m trying to sleep. Never used to hear anything from the old neighbours, I can hear when this wanker goes for a pee.

Got a few things planned for this week, which is unlike me. Stay tuned, or don’t.

Please let people know about this blog if you think that it may interest them in any way. Since I told everyone about the overdose I’ve had a few ‘I didn’t know that you/anyone else felt that way, that’s how I feel’ messages. If reading about my depression and attempts to deal with it can help anyone, that can only be a good thing.

xx

Tuesday I decided that I would have to start telling people, so I sent my bandmates a link to last week’s blog. They were very supportive, so I decided it was time I told my mother. I wasn’t sure how to do that, and would have preferred to tell her face to face, but I’d promised to call her that night and the conversation sort of worked its way round to a point where I could confess to what I’d done. She went very quiet when I told her, and I could tell that she was worried. I comforted her as best as I could, but a mother always worries. I didn’t sleep well that night, but had to be up early for a Silver Threads meeting at Cope.

When I got to Cope I knew I wouldn’t say anything about what had happened, I wasn’t sure who I would have told anyway. I’ve always enjoyed those meetings, I think we’re working towards a worthwhile outcome that should help fellow Social Isolation sufferers. I had hoped a few more of the regular attendees would be there, but it was quite quiet. We talked about a flyer design and I offered to work on a mock up of the ideas we had put together. When I got home I started working on some ideas, but at the back of my mind was the fact that I knew I’d have to tell my father about what had happened. I wasn’t looking forward to that as he has lost a couple of friends through suicide in the past few years. I tried working on the flyer to put it off, but he called me in the afternoon.

I half expected that my mother had been in contact and told him what happened, but she hadn’t. I rather sheepishly made my confession and gave him the same assurances that I’d given my mother the previous day. After that phone call I decided I should let my wider circle of friends know, so I composed a post for Facebook that would explain it all and urge them to contact someone if they got as low as I had been. The message read as follows:

A major problem with depression is that there is still a lot of stigma attached to it that can stop the sufferers from telling you when things are getting on top of them, then they don’t always get to tell you.

I know this, because I swallowed 54 pills last Thursday and hoped I wouldn’t wake up ever again. I don’t feel that way now, but that’s only because I got lucky and had a few days in bed to think things over. Massive thanks for the support I’ve had from the few people that I’ve since been able to tell, but I should have reached out BEFORE.

Don’t make that mistake if you’re ever in a deep dark place and think there is nobody there for you. Message me, message someone, message anyone, pick up the phone etc… Sometimes just saying “I’m having a hard time” is the hardest thing to do, but just saying it can make all the difference. Take time out to breathe, you’re never as alone as it seems.

Love,

Gill

Fuck, that was hard to type (and not just because this keyboard has no E, R, Y, S, or Z).

That was really the hardest thing I’ve ever had to type, but the responses made me feel that it had been worth it. Some people, even ones that I haven’t seen in a few years, left messages of support. Some chose to send me a private message, some chose purely to click ‘Like’. I felt a lot of love and support, and I can’t thank them enough for that. I only got a few hours sleep again, but it was easier to drift off having lifted the weight of secrecy from my shoulders. I got up at 8:30am on Thursday, feeling a bit like it was a whole new start. Everything was out in the open, but I was still sat indoors. I did a bit of housework and some reading. The day actually passed very quickly, and I decided that I should maybe get away for a few days. I called my mother and arranged to visit her from Friday to Sunday, then called my father and arranged to go sailing with him on the Sunday if the wind is right. Then I couldn’t sleep at all, even after a few failed attempts.

Got to Irvine on Friday afternoon, not really feeling too bad despite the lack of sleep. Met my mother and my step-father, then went to see my cousin and his lovely family. Got some of his daughter’s delicious birthday cake and gave her a remote controlled Tarantula. His son has started calling me ‘The Gilleathain’, how cute is that? I think my cousin will have seen the FB message, but he didn’t say anything. After that we went to my mum’s and had dinner, nothing was said about ‘the incident’ until late in the evening. I think the air got cleared a bit, hopefully they understand that my intention was never to hurt anyone. Mildly surprised that this was viewed as the first time I’d done anything like this. I’ve suffered from depression for two decades, and some downturns have been far worse than this one. Still, fingers crossed that I won’t let myself get that low ever again. Went to bed at 2am and slept until 1pm, despite having set an alarm for 10am – guess I needed it.

Saturday I went to the shops with my mother. Bought a flask, that way I can have herbal tea on the move. Then bought a whole load of socks, exciting stuff eh? Had a nice night and went to bed at about 4am (after an interesting discussion on Twitter), but I couldn’t sleep very well and woke up at 6am. Couldn’t get back to sleep,  so I did some reading instead. Sat in the morning sun for a bit, walked to the local shop (Beastie Boys on the iPod) and got ready for my first sailing trip in years. Filled the flask at midday, picked a selection of teas to take on the boat.

Met my dad at Fairlie, where I got a close look at the yacht which Simon Le Bon nearly died on. Big. Went to where my dad’s boat os moored, met up with co-owner Tim. I hadn’t known that I’d be meeting a stranger, so it was a bit daunting at first. Fortunately Tim is an easy guy to talk to, so that made the next 5 hours less freaky than they might have been. The boat was different to the sailing boats I’d done my training on, and that had been a long time ago, so I mostly watched and did as instructed. There wasn’t much wind so we went rather slowly, then I got to control a spinnaker for the first time ever. The rudder still controls the direction, but the spinnaker is used for catching more wind and helping with the speed. The low wind meant we were only getting up to 4.3 knots at the most, but it was a lot of fun.

After the sailing I went to Largs with my dad and had some chips, can’t go to the seaside without getting some chips. Got home at 8:30pm and discovered that the water in my flask was still warm enough to make tea with, result. Got a great sleep after all that sea air, about 12 hours in total. Realised that I’d left my iPod and headphones in the back of the car.Wasn’t happy about that, I need music to get out and about. Having to use my phone at the moment, not very good.

Monday I spent figuring out what to do next, I’m a big fan of making a plan before doing something. My plan is to get my flat arranged, that way I’ll actually be happy to let people see it. I measured some furniture and used an online room design app to figure out what to do with my living room. Came up with a great plan, then noticed that it would be impossible to to where certain wires are. Oh well, made a new plan instead. Went to bed about 2am, alarm set so I wouldn’t miss my next appointment with the psychiatric nurse.

Thursday I woke up at 15:30 after 18 hours of sleep, I must have needed it. Anne came over that evening, possibly the last time that’ll happen – could be for the best. At 3am I took 54 40mg Propranolol tablets and hoped I wouldn’t wake up ever again. Obviously that didn’t work, and now I have no Propranolol left to help me go outside when I need to. I felt ill most of Friday, didn’t bother getting out of bed. My main regret was that I woke up, not that I’d taken an overdose – I guess things aren’t as improved as I’d hoped. No Cope appointment until the 22nd, so this is pretty much my secret to carry with me. Kept up appearances on Facebook/Twitter etc.. Doubt many would be very understanding.

As I said last week, no idea if there is even any point in writing this, the psychiatric nurse won’t have read any of it. I suppose this is venting, might have a use.

Saturday I was feeling a bit better, though I’d not managed to sleep on Friday due to all the thoughts that just kept going on and on in my broken brain. Fell asleep at noon and woke up at 5pm, not feeling as suicidal. I think the best description would be ashamed. Not ashamed by what I did or that I didn’t succeed, ashamed by my life and what an absolute waste it has been. Oh well, just have to see what happens.

Saturday night was sleepless again, despite completely avoiding caffeine. I eventually fell asleep at 3pm on Sunday and woke at 7pm. Everything feels like a great big ending, but I can’t be sure what is actually ending – hopefully it’ll be a good ending. I feel like I’m preparing for a restart, psyching myself up for changes. Perhaps that all got on top of me on Thursday and I opted for ‘flight’ instead of ‘fight’. I got back to sleep at midnight on Sunday and woke again at 4:30am. Tried getting back to sleep, but it didn’t work. Decided to read for a bit, until a sensible waking time, and then do a bit of tidying. Cleanliness is always the first thing to go with my depression, so tidying should hopefully help by making me feel a bit more positive – starting with the recycling.

Things planned for past week:

Days in past week with breakfast: 1

Woke at 3pm on Wednesday, very annoyed at my messed up sleeping patterns. Still trying to figure out a reliable routine, so I stocked up on more herbal teas as they’re caffeine free. Also got a few other teas for daytime and a new china cup, maybe I’m testing how reliable I can be at making life changes.

Wednesday I came home from Anne’s and that night I couldn’t sleep at all, my mind just kept racing through everything and anything. Several cups of Sleepytime tea didn’t help, but at least I didn’t have any caffeine. I had thought that my CBT appointment was on Thursday, then learned that my therapist no longer works there. A call in the afternoon said I was to go and see a new person on the Friday, that seemed quite intimidating but I need to push myself to do things that make me feel uncomfortable if I want to get back to a normal life. Didn’t help me sleep that night either, and I haven’t opened my blinds since I got home.

Friday, I met my new therapist – a psychiatric nurse. It was mostly “tell me about you”. I did tell her about this blog, but I don’t think she even took a note of the address. Not sure how I feel about that since I see this blog as something that is helping, and I think it is easier to put some things down here that I might not find as easy to say. I do hope that she’ll read the blog, it probably says more about me than I did in the first appointment.

Saturday I went to visit my friend Emmett, and I took 7 types of tea. Mark and Steve were also there, so it was great to see friends and just hang out like a normal person. I stayed at Emmett’s and we spent Sunday working on some music, it was nice to not be spending all my time on my own. Monday was a day of thinking, and trying to get to sleep at a reasonable time – failed again.

Tuesday was a day of feeling unreal, like I didn’t feel quite like a whole person. I was anticipating the arrival of the Medical Services letter, fully expecting nil points, so I felt quite depressed and numb. I tried to sleep that night, but it just wasn’t happening because my mind kept racing through all the things that an appeals process would mean. I don’t remember much of my CBT appointment on Wednesday morning, I’d been awake for far too long and think the rambling thoughts from my mind ended up as the rambling words from my mouth.

When I got home the letter was there, I couldn’t quite believe that I’d finally been awarded the required points. I don’t know if that happened because of a change in their system or because my mental health has deteriorated. Doesn’t matter which it is, I’m determined to make things better. After reading the letter I started to feel odd. I’d been awake and uptight for so long that the sudden ‘good news’ was like being anaesthetised. I didn’t want to fall asleep, so I kept myself busy and eventually fell asleep at 9pm. Had planned to visit Brett, but I felt like a zombie.

I woke at 1am on Thursday, very frustrating. I expected to sleep until 7 or 8, but just couldn’t get to sleep again. I had an appointment with my doctor at 4pm on Thursday to check how long I’ve been on a waiting list for help with my mental health, turns out that it is nearly 3 years. My doctor was shocked at how long I’ve been waiting, but it is true. She searched my file again, looking for a letter that might explain things, but there was nothing.

Thursday evening I came to Muirend to stay with Anne and Pepper for a week, the closest I get to holidaying. Managed to be sociable on Friday by inviting my friend Emmett round, also took Pepper for a nice walk on my own. Weather was OK on Saturday, so we went to the shops in Clydebank after picking up my laptop which I’d forgotten to bring. Broke in new shoes, 1 small blister. Exciting stuff, eh?

Sunday was a day of reading, mostly the instruction manual for Emmett’s Roland VS-880EX Digital Studio that he left for me to check out, then I get to show him how to work it. Was going to take Pepper for a long walk, but it was raining. Got bored at 9pm and took her for a 40 minute walk.

Monday I got a call from my dad asking me if I could do a bit of audio editing for him. Spent 3-4 hours doing that, it was nice to feel useful. Thinking I might take Pepper for a 2am walk as I feel wide awake. Planning to go to the cinema again, part of my ‘get out more’ strategy.

Things planned for past week:

1. Visit Brett on Wednesday: not done
2. See Doctor on Thursday: done
3. Stay with Anne and Pepper (Thurs-Wed): done
4. Walk dog each day: most days
5. Write more: done

Days in past week with blinds open: 5

Days in past week with breakfast: 4

ATOS based anxiety/stress/depression aside, I’ve started making an effort to eat breakfast and to open my blinds whenever I feel comfortable with it. I’ve also started taking Multivitamins & Iron tablets. Sleep has still been a bit of a problem, but I now have a memory foam mattress topper that should help with that – though I slept through 2 alarms today, snoozing until 1pm and missing the final Silver Threads meeting.

Anne and I went to Irvine on Saturday and the family members down there were all getting together for a night of Mexican food, there were 12 adults and 5 kids. Had 2 days warning about the meal, so I felt more comfortable due to forewarning.

The depression side of things has been very up n’ down this week. On Thursday night I couldn’t sleep for thinking about suicide, just out of nowhere. I felt so nauseous that I had to sit in the bathroom for a while as I kept vomiting until it was just bile, the heaving made my back feel even worse. When I finally got back to bed I couldn’t stop thinking about everything and anything, it even made me feel a bit dizzy. I noticed at one point that I was crying, and had been for at least a short while. Eventually fell asleep, felt ok when I woke up. Annoying how those thoughts can suddenly appear, unprompted, and destroy a whole night, day or even longer.

Friday night I had to call the Land & Environmental Services’ Noise Complaint number thanks to my upstairs neighbour and friends having yet another drunken party, complete with 11pm drunken, extremely loud and sweary karaoke. I recorded a bit of it on my phone, which doesn’t have a great mic, just to see if it picked the noise up. This clip shows just how loud they were, might as well have been in the same room. I’m now starting to think that the levels of noise from that guy and his antisocial 40 Something cronies have, over the past 18 months, added significantly to my stresses and anxieties at home.

I haven’t been out much, though I did go shopping on my way home from last week’s appointment. Music up full on the iPod, but I started to feel myself getting anxious as soon as I got in the shop. I had planned to get some veg, crumpets and a variety of things to cook. I’d got the veg and crumpets, then I panicked a bit in the meat aisle and bought a load of Chicken Kievs, but it’s a start. Went to Barhead Lidl on the way to Irvine, found they were selling 6 packs of Fiery Irn-Bru for 50p. Bought 5 cases, anticipating the announcement that they’ve stopped making it.

The Cupboard of Unbridled Joy

My housework plan wasn’t as successful as I’d hoped, due to back pain from the Medical Services assessment. The doctor seems quite busy just now, but I have an appointment on Thursday afternoon. Anne’s father goes on another holiday this Wednesday, so I’ll stay there from Thursday to Wednesday. That gives me a good excuse to try and get out more, walking the dog. Looking forward to that, though I usually visit Mark and Elaine a lot when I’m visiting the south side. That won’t be possible now that they’ve moved to London. To be a bit more social I am hoping to visit my friend Brett in Clydebank after this week’s CBT.

Things planned for past week:

1. Family meal: done
2. Housework: some done
3. Rearrange living room: not done, due to back
4. Visit doctor: Appointment this week.
5. Write: Some new music started, 2-3 tracks. No blogs written, except this one – obviously.

Things planned for coming week:

1. Visit Brett on Wednesday
2. See Doctor on Thursday
3. Stay with Anne and Pepper (Thurs-Wed)
4. Walk dog each day
5. Write more

Days in past week with blinds open: 3

Days in past week with breakfast: 5

The interview was, as always, horrible. Arrived at 2:30 for my 2:50 appointment and was eventually seen by the nurse at 3:55-4:30. Same questions asked as always, yet again the interviewer took some time at the end to say that I should see my doctor and that they hoped I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself. Even with that, I reckon I’ve failed again. Being monosyllabic seems to be a bonus, but I’m not that sort of person. My mental health issues are the problem and I can describe them properly, I’m not going to pretend in the interview, that’d just be lying.

I had looked forward to the Therapy? gig for months, but when it came to it I just couldn’t face being in a room full of people after the ATOS examination.

Thursday – Sunday was just a blur thanks to my feelings of disconnect. Averaging 4-5 hours sleep a night except for Sunday when I managed to sleep for 10 hours. I couldn’t concentrate on anything at all, switching between reading, watching TV or playing a game. I would get restless within 30 minutes and move on to something else, then move on from that. I would put off going out until it became so late that there was nowhere to go. If I tried going out then it would just lead to the usual nausea and bringing up bile. I started listening to the relaxation CDs, but my mind was so hyperactive and unfocussed that I’d become restless and unable to relax.

Saturday I was invited to a family meal at a restaurant in town, but I was in no mood or state to be around people. Even the thought of going outside made me sick, so I told them that I was unwell. I was also worried that if I went then the sudden availability of people to talk to would result in me ranting on about ATOS and proclaiming to my family that I do feel like I’d be better off dead.

Monday afternoon now, and I’m having to go to the local shop because I have no food here. First time outside since Wednesday evening. I don’t feel quite as disconnected today, hopefully the sleep helped and I can try getting back to normal routines again.

One odd thing that I noticed was an increase in appetite, like I continually felt hungry. I was eating double my usual, but not like it was comfort food.

Things planned for past week:

1. Therapy? gig: Not done
2. Family meal: Not done
3. Housework: Not done

Things planned for coming week:

1. Housework
2. Rearrange living room
3. Visit doctor
4. Write

Days in past week with blinds open: 1

Days in past week with breakfast: 1

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m a rather insecure person, so it’s still a bit odd to think that I’m putting articles up on a website where complete strangers will see them. I know, that’s exactly what I do on this site. So my insecurity about submitting things to wowdewow is entirely irrational. Anyway, here’s how it happened.

Last week, after me saying that I’d make a point of blogging more in 2011, Anne sent me a link on Twitter to a Gumtree ad. The ad was looking for bloggers to submit articles to a new blog magazine website, so I looked out a few links to my work and sent them in. On friday night I got an email from Nathan Goldberg, the CEO of wowdewow, asking me to call for a bit of a chat. After a short chat on the Saturday Nathan asked if I’d be free to meet him on the Sunday evening at the Radisson, that was perfect for me as I was going to see Tron Legacy at the IMAX anyway.

I was quite nervous about the meeting, so I turned up 15 minutes early so I could take advantage of their free Wi-fi and have a beer to calm my nerves. It didn’t work out quite like that. Firstly, the beer that I wanted is no longer on sale there, so I had to resort to Peroni. Secondly, the woman who was supposed to bring me my Wi-fi voucher never actually brought it to me. i felt like a bit of a tit sitting staring at my netbook with no way to even check my mail. I’d have gone and asked her for it, but I was feeling increasingly self-conscious and didn’t want to move.

The meeting was due to start at 5, but I was still sitting on my own at 5:05. I stared wondering whether I’d been the victim of an elaborate hoax, my natural paranoia racing overtime – like a hamster with a death wish. I’d sent a text at 4:50 to tell Nathan that I’d arrived and was in The Atrium, but hadn’t had a reply. I sat, getting increasingly tense, for a further 10 minutes. It was at this point that a guy from another table wandered over, it was Nathan. We’d been sitting 30 feet from each other the whole time, but I’d been too busy watching the door to consider the fact that Nathan might have arrived even earlier that I had.

My nerves and paranoia had got the better of me, and I’d nearly messed up. I was actually so relieved when Nathan introduced himself that most of my stress vanished. We had a very nice chat over the next 45 minutes and Nathan invited me to join their team of writers because they like my style. That was very flattering, I always feel embarrassed when someone gives me a compliment. It’s not paid employment, but it is experience.

Now I have to think up articles for their blog as well as this one, which will be interesting. I also have to slightly alter my style for them as they are looking for articles of 200-300 words. So far I have submitted 2 articles to them, you can read the first one here and hopefully the second one will be published at some point today.

Please let me know what you think of this news, and if you like my articles on their site then there are two buttons at the top of the pages – one for Facebook users to “Like” them and another for Twitter users to send out the link.

By the way, Tron Legacy was great.