you think it's funny but this is my LIFE

2013-11-11T23:09:00.001-08:00

so beautiful

2013-11-10T12:35:00.003-08:00

i woke up drunk with the drake album blasting and i was too wasted to type the password into my computer. i must've tried like 50 times. i started crying. "I JUST WANNA TURN DRAKE OFF!" i yelled this at nobody.

i was solid gold, i was in the fight. coming back from what seemed like a ruin

2013-10-28T23:00:00.001-07:00

outside i'm exposed at home i'm composed

2013-10-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

Truthfully... sometimes it's nice to just be home alone marinating in your own smells, not worrying about it too much.

A thought: I have it all. That stuff that I wanted. Yknow, the cute apartment. The job. The appropriate amount of entertainment. The occasional descent into madness.

Bad shit happens and I think about it, but never too hard. Carefree. Ready for those good moods when they come.

2013-09-17T19:58:00.002-07:00

The good people in my life are still good. They remain constant even when I fall short. If I'm too depressed to pick up the phone 99 times in a row, they call me 100 times. When I went to pay my PG&E bill this year I saw that my deposit had been returned, letting me know that I've been here for a year. One hard year. Things got dark; I don't think I've told a single soul the whole of it. But. I rallied. I woke up. I got over it. I did the dishes. I did everything I could. So, thank you. ♥

2013-09-04T00:21:00.001-07:00

that amazing person you know. with the winsome face. that amazing person you know. who accepts your flaws. who forgives you every time (so far). who knows you outside-in.

2013-08-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

Come over. I'll clean my apartment, for you.

I'm eating noodles alone for the nth time and I'm not too sure what brought me to this point. When you're growing up the people around you want to help you create a vision: for college, a job. OK, I made it from point a to point b. When they ask you what you want to be when you grow up, you don't really think about how you'll fill the other time in your life. What happens when you get home? How do you fill your time? Who will you share the sound of the refrigerator humming at night with?

Your apartment starts to echo. Or rather, it never stopped because it's always been a little empty. You thought you wanted this. You do the dishes, dully. You clean up, you clean yourself up, you take someone home in a moment of mutual vulnerability, and they leave and the fridge is still humming.

actual couple fights

2013-08-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

from personal experience

is a silent fart louder than a far that makes a sound?, the true meaning of the word "jihad", you were looking at that dude, you're drunk, sex, stop yelling at me, what if i threw your burrito out the window?, why are you stoned?, sex, sex, sex, you drink too much, you sucked 10 dicks, you made me step in vomit, the song "i believe i can fly", being lost while driving, you're drunk again, i forgot that i told you i loved you, dots (the iphone game), who should recruit the girl for our 3some, you don't have my back, you talk too much, i can't take you anywhere, people from california are the worst, i can read your mind

july

2013-08-08T23:07:00.000-07:00

what terrible times. my entire family went on a trip to disneyland just to cheer me up.

sigh

2013-08-08T19:41:00.002-07:00

new and interesting ways to torture me

2013-08-06T21:44:00.002-07:00

someone mentioned that there was a theory that jesus was a mushroom

lol

what

I probably could have looked it up by now, but I'm lazy... I have no idea who they meant

if somebody told me they thought jesus was a mushroom i would demand answers

yes and that's a great reaction but mine was to make a pun

I asked what KIND of mushroom

since I figured jesus had morel superiority

2013-05-18T02:32:00.005-07:00

look, i'm pretty stoned. for a second i thought it was him calling but then i realized it was just the timer i set on my phone for when my hot pocket was done.

i guess i should stop saying things like this

2013-04-02T18:46:00.000-07:00

While putting together a sandwich:

"My iphone has a pass code. You'll never guess it... You'll have to go to college, to MIT, and learn how to break codes and how to travel back in time. Then you can return to this moment, unlock my iphone, and reveal unto me my future."

She looks up, "There's something very wrong with you, Miss."

"One of the things that is wrong with me is this sandwich. It's gross."

"Then. Why. Are. You. Eating. It?"

"Sometimes when you're an adult you have to do things you don't wanna do."

2013-03-19T22:50:00.001-07:00

i should be happy
i should be happy
instead i am obsessing about things that are decidedly stupid. i can't even bring myself to do the dishes, although i did sort of shift them around in the sink. my apartment is so oppressive and lonely, it still echos if i talk. not that i do, because there's nobody here to talk to.

february

2013-03-13T21:05:00.001-07:00

february

my priorities are changing. less angst, more thinking about education & teaching although part of me maybe hates it all. thinking about him. feeling fundamentally uneasy when he's so far away. anxiety waxing & waning, slipping back into shitty old habits.....not giving a fuck about capitalization on the internet, ever.

really good tasting jell-o shots @ hakwer fare, oakland.

work.

january 2013

2013-02-03T12:46:00.002-08:00

Dessert @ Ramen Shop, Oakland. I LOVE pâte de fruit even though my sister calls it "old man candy." This is also a black sesame ice cream sandwich, one of my most favorite flavors.

Ramen Shop, Oakland. Yes, that's the place's name

pho is always a good thing

Craftsman & Wolves, SF featuring more pâte de fruit

Ramen Shop, Oakland

The Ice Cream Bar, SF. This place has some awesome old fashioned soda fountain creations. I love cherry phosphate!! We were here on a Monday just around after school dismissal and there were a few kids who were sitting at the counter eating ice cream (presumably on the way home from school? ). Cutest thing ever.

Hopscotch, Oakland. Stopped in for lunch during restaurant week. This was dessert...sooo good. Chocolate mousse, yuzu meringue (had the consistency of marshmallow fluff) and some sesame(!) crackers.

basically the only redeeming quality of a terrible meal

2013-02-03T12:31:00.001-08:00

"tell me more about anarcho-primitivism"

"sorry, i was at the store"

is everything too hard or am i just too soft?

2013-01-06T12:04:00.001-08:00

december 2012

Tomorrow I go back to work after an exquisite break. I am terrified. Not just generally but in a real, tangible way about Actual Things. Last night I had a nightmare about a living rosary made out of cockroaches that was crawling around on my desk. I screamed and woke my self up. The night before that I had a dream about sitting alone at the bar while some stranger played "sad songs on the guitar" only just loud enough for me to hear. Related, probably, to my hesitant desire to stop drinking forever.

No worries though, I don't expect to be able to sleep tonight.

random burned-up player piano in West Oakland

Japanese people have now made llamas cute.

Pam, Yerba Buena Gardens, San Francisco

pork belly @ Brenda's French Soul Food

A CD I found in my friend's garage

I went to a parol festival in San Francisco with my sister and my mom. My dad, as usual, didn't want to go. A parol is a Filipino fancy xmas light shaped like a star, modeled after the star of the Magi it's a religion thing, but I still think they're so beautiful! I want one!.

Little Sheep Mongolian Hot Pot with my sister. We ate sooo much that day. Pam, with her small appetite even held her own. This place has the best hot pot ever.

This wasn't mine. I got this bowl of ice cream @ Tara's Organic Ice Cream for my friend Keishi, who has just been so great this break. ♥ He deserves so much more than a bowl of ice cream but I think the olive oil and pink Himalayan rock salt are a start.

god help me

i wasn/t mugged tonight.

2012-12-08T04:46:00.000-08:00

"some random people outside the convenience store started talking to me,

probably to hustle me."

"people outside convenience stores live to hustle you."

"i was thinking: at least they didn't mug me"

"exactly , exactly you dont want to get mugged by a homeless dude, g. end up on the news looking extra victimized."

i'm lying here thinking scratching at my eczema thinking at least they cant steal my skin. or can they? it's probably been invented by now.

November living

2012-12-03T00:32:00.001-08:00

My friend Tammy surprised me on my birthday with an etsy giftcard! So sweet. So, I bought this "love" bracelet.

Check out this delicious open faced egg salad sandwich from a new place that opened in my 'hood: Grand Lake Kitchen

Pam

Big Pink Bow

I was in D's car when the wheel fell off like this #sideshow

Oakland Museum of CA

Caught in the rain with Teresa

Being myself.

Barry McGee exhibit at the Berkeley Art Museum

I tried kimbap for the first time (loser, I know) @ Spoon in Berkeley. That was a great day with D...

2012-11-25T18:25:00.003-08:00

i have to go back to work tomorrow, which pretty much sucks because i am tired of trying to be a good teacher. i fucking suck. i feel like writing things down but it's like, who cares? i thought about it and i basically gave up on writing anything down that day in New Mexico when n. told me my writing is dumb and terrible. i kept crying and walking down this road in the middle of nowhere even though we both knew there was nowhere i could go, anyway, so i came back and he apologized but i guess i still kinda gave up. i surrendered my power to some dumb mouthy thing some guy said to me when he was mad, which is dumb i guess.

2012-11-19T22:14:00.002-08:00

god damn i really love him

october 2012

2012-11-06T19:35:00.003-08:00

ain't life weeeiiiirdddd?

Pamdog

I saw R. Kelly in Oakland on Halloween

This is a really cool contraption that dispenses sake.

me in the morning

green tea affogato!

feh

2012-10-23T23:13:00.002-07:00

i miss my mom

i feel inadequate

work is hard

work is hard

work is hard

i wish i could just stop thinking about it, really.

september 2012

2012-10-21T16:24:00.002-07:00

Hi. Work is hard. Really hard. It's true what they say about October being a shitty month for teachers. These are pictures from September.

My T. Lau ♥

The BEST coffee cake @ Kitchen 388, Oakland

Pork belly, kimchi, sous vide egg @ Eat Real Festival. There was a LOT of pork belly at the festival. YUM.

My mom brought me a flower arrangement for my apartment. She makes these herself!

Some dessert @ Homeroom, Oakland

@ Cosecha, Oakland

Went on a little photo walk with T. Lau around my neighborhood