http://glitterditch.com/ en Copyright 2008 Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:53:33 +0000 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss 1464445http://www.feedburner.com Wimbledon fortnight is upon us once again. Exorbitantly priced strawberries, vain hope that one of our mediocre sports-people will bring glory back to Britannia and, of course, all that grunting and groaning. They're hitting a winning backhand: you close your eyes and conjure up an altogether different picture. Believe us, when Maria Sharapova is on court, that shit can keep a boyfriend occupied for hours. The BBC are offering top notch coverage for you lazy fuckers what can't be bothered to shift from the couch. Tim Henman has finally given up the ghost and retired to punditry. He'll be joining Sue 'You've Been Tangoed' Barker, the irrepressible John McEnroe and ex-champion Boris Becker. (Is it just us, or does he have a touch of the albino about him?) Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/game-set-match.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/game-set-match.html Glitterditch Breaks A Sweat Andy Murray Boris Becker Britannia John McEnroe Maria Sharapova punditry Serena Williams short skirts and temper tantrums strawberries Sue Barker SW19 tennis Tim Henman Venus Williams Wimbledon fortnight you've been tangoed Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:53:33 +0000 News reaches us that Amy Winehouse's body temporarily failed in its valiant efforts to maintain consciousness. The singer had a fainting fit outside her house earlier this week, fanning the raging fires of speculation that she's a train wreck on spindle shanks, heading for death. The question burning on the nation's lips is what over exertions could have caused this collapse? Why, she was doing her admin of course. Excuse us while we scrape our jumpy eyebrows off the ceiling. Is that what toking on a crack pipe and spouting nonsensical gubbins at the 'razzis is called these days? How times have changed since we last took a temping job. Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/-news-reaches-us-that.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/-news-reaches-us-that.html Glittersnitch Reports Amy Winehouse crack pipe Dad fainting singer spindle shanks Thu, 19 Jun 2008 13:13:06 +0000 Gay people have been in for a bashing recently. Or perhaps not, depending on who you listen to. Scientists have discovered differences in people's brains that may well prove that people are born gay rather than turned by an appropriate Judy Garland movie or childhood incident. We can't help but wonder how valid a study that only uses 90 people is, but we're arts graduates, so it's not our job to question these things. Besides, anything that religious people object to is naturally an option which draws us. If a study like this can have nutcases burbling that "[Science is] not about truthes, it's about facts." to support their biblical bigotry, then we're on the side of the scientists. Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/lets-talk-lesbians.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/lets-talk-lesbians.html Beyond The Realms Of Sanity bigotry genetics health lawyers lesbian litigation religious science smear tests Thu, 19 Jun 2008 11:36:34 +0000 NO! Stoppit. Right. Now. This is a plea to publishers everywhere. We know you are easily influenced and manipulated by celebrity. The fact that Geri Halliwell has been allowed to spew her mindless self-aggrandising crap at 5-7 year olds is bad enough. But we swear down that we will boycott any publishing house that allows Russell Brand to write a book about philosophy. Stand by - there is a rant approaching, and it will not be a pretty one, so it's been hidden after the cut. Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/russell-brand-is-a-giant-arseh.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/russell-brand-is-a-giant-arseh.html Enough. Go away now please. crayon-chewing dipshit cretin douchebag idiot moron over-publicised undeserving jizz stain Russell Brand wanker waste of eyeliner Sat, 14 Jun 2008 14:30:13 +0000 You know that we're never ones to slag off celebrities. Those hard-working, world-weary folk do their darnedest to make sure that we always have something to read in the papers. God forbid, if ever they were to disappear we might have to actually get on with our lives, or read about something other than their latest all-nighter or hookup with some z-list tits. We think that they should be honoured, and it would seem the Queen agrees. Her birthday honours list is out, and we'd like to congratulate all of those who have made the cut. Particular kudos go to Dot Cotton, awarded an MBE. Not because she got the accolade but merely because we thought her chain-smoking would have led to a bucket-kicking well before 2008. Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/god-save-the-queen.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/god-save-the-queen.html Stuff we found out. Amy Winehouse Big Brother celebrity Channel 4 honours kilts MBE OBE the queen The Sun Sat, 14 Jun 2008 10:38:27 +0000 Good God. If ever there was a person in need of some direction, it's Pete Doherty. Shambolic mismanagement abounds as his latest example of absolute fuckwittery demonstrates. This time it's his finances causing him a headache: apparently the Babyshambles frontman has failed to keep an eye on his bank account and now he's wondering where the bloody hell all his cash went. Well, one suggestion would be up his battle scarred nose. Or perhaps coursing round his body via a semi-collapsed vein. If only he'd had uber guide de jour Dude, Where's My Career? perhaps he could have saved himself a whole heap of hassle. This kick-ass guide is pitched at the real-life 20-somethings who find themselves equipped with a degree certificate, a mountain of dirty laundry and not much else post-university. Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/dude-sort-yer-life-out.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/dude-sort-yer-life-out.html Our Glittery Opinion careers chicken vindaloo Covent Garden Dude graduate guide hokey futurama Moti Mahal palm reading Pete Doherty Where's My Career? Tue, 10 Jun 2008 15:21:09 +0000 Fashion news just in: we've noticed that green really is the colour du jour. Not to wear sillies. To be! Are you recycling your empties, composting veg peelings and growing your own lettuce? No? Then shame on you and your giant fee-fi-fo-fum carbon footprint. Joining in with the ticking off is Noel Edmonds. He's turned finger-wagger today with an article in The Mirror, designed to put the wind up even the most environmentally unaware of us. According to Blobby's best mate, the government's wind farm plans are fatally flawed, we should brace ourselves for daily power cuts and the future of the UK's gas power is in the megalomaniac hands of slightly potty states such as Russia and China. Blackouts? Glitterditch imagines it'll be just like the olden days: carrying a nub of candle up to a sub zero drafty bedroom, replete with handy bed pan. What's not to look forward to? As Noel says, we should start haranguing the politicians for the truth NOW. Watch out Al Gore: you have an eco-rival in the shape of Mr Edmonds. Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/-fashion-news-just-in.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/-fashion-news-just-in.html Glitter Goes Green environment ethics Eva Herzigova Mr Blobby Noel Edmonds sensationalist bobbins from the tabloid press The Mirror wind turbines Mon, 09 Jun 2008 19:30:27 +0000 Remember what you were doing in 1999? Likely you were all premature ejaculation (either giving or receiving) and angst-ridden emotional ineptitude. God, it was shit wasn't it? The one saving grace of that torturous time was probably the music you were living out your humiliations to, unless of course you enjoyed a bit of vocal-tastic 90s dance, in which case you can sling your hook now for crimes against your earholes. Unlike the rest of us, 1999 was an excellent year for Hefner. The album Fidelity Wars reached number one in the independent album charts, they were John Peel's favourites du jour and the cult track Hymn For The Cigarettes hit the top spot in the independent singles chart. In tribute to such exciting times and the raw songwriting talent of Hefner vocalist Darren Hayman, Fidelity Wars is on re-release as of now. Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/hefner-gives-a-history-lesson.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/hefner-gives-a-history-lesson.html Musical musings 1999 Belka Records bollocks poetry Darren Hayman emotional fuckwittery Hefner Hymn For The Cigarettes John Peel music The Fidelity Wars Thu, 05 Jun 2008 17:33:16 +0000 You'd better relish this post, because it's the last time we'll be discussing the television travesty that is Big Brother 9. Ever. We implore you to embrace the nearly-weekend buzz filling the air and get the hell out of your house this evening, lest one's misguided channel-flicking-finger should make contact with the number 4 at 9pm. Because hitting our screens is the first installment of shenanigans from the house where talent and dignity go to die. Davina will gurn and gabble; the inmates will shriek, bitch and bully; Heat magazine will have something other than celebrity cellulite to write about. Delightful. So where should you go to fill your heads with delicious doings, rather than the tripe the telly execs at Channel 4 have the audacity to spoon-feed the viewing nation? To the British Library of course! Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/-youd-better-relish-this.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/-youd-better-relish-this.html The Good VS the Bad. art Big Brother Bobby Friction British Library Channel 4 culture Davina McCall Five Heat Magazine House Hugh Laurie Lates London rank spank the place that talent goes to die TV travesty Thu, 05 Jun 2008 16:30:04 +0000 Something about teenaged cool lends itself to being misappropriated by the middle classes. Bear with us and we'll explain, although we can't guarantee a complete lack of pomposity. Ten years ago, when we and our readers were hanging around in parks desperately trying to look fashionable, hoodies weren't common. They were, in fact, the mark of a 'grunger', which in our day was someone who didn't wash and wished Kurt Cobain were still alive and squawking. For years this didn't change, and most hoodies were adorned with angsty slogans such as "Fuck you I won't do what you tell me", "I'm so emo I'm dead" and various other things that our grandparents wouldn't understand. Simply wearing one of these things was an incitement to bullying, and the kind of people who wore them were more likely to get trounced in the playground than do any beating of their own.Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/dont-hate-the-hoodies.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/dont-hate-the-hoodies.html A thought for the afternoon. childhood crime criminal Daily Mail fashion grungers hoodie Kurt Cobain teenagers what's the point in being subversive if no one beats you up? Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:32:38 +0000 Politicians are funny folk. Courtesy of the BBC, we learn that David Cameron has given Big Gordo a stern warning over proposed car tax hikes. Us voters won't stand for it see? We'll have him unseated and out to pasture quicker than you can say 'credit crunch doom'. Seems awfully like the head boy ticking off the headmaster, doesn't it? Makes for an amusing half hour or so during Prime Minister's questions though. Over the pond, Hillary's dug her nails in deep. We suspect an automaton intervention has been made in Mrs Clinton's biology and she scares the living crap out of us. But the machines aren't taking over yet and Obama is looking like he could clinch the top job. Still, with Hill-Bot refusing to go quietly, it makes us think they could well do with taking a leaf out of the showbiz book. 'Always leave 'em wanting more' should be point one of the Beginner's Guide To Fucking Up Your Country. Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/fingers-in-your-ears-and-shout.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/fingers-in-your-ears-and-shout.html A thought for the afternoon. Barack Obama beginner's guide to fucking up your country care homes for the clapped out statesman Champagne David Cameron Gordon Brown government Hill-Bot Hillary Clinton John Prescott Maggie Thatcher Number 10 politicians Robert Mugabe tumbleweed Zimbabwe Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:01:18 +0000 Last night the Glamour awards took place in right posh Berkeley Square. Mainstream media whores were out in force, sucking ass like a Dyson on three inch shagpile. And us Glitterditchers - always ready with a fat bribe to sneak in through the back door - had our spies out in force to give you the skinny on what really went down last night. And it wasn't what Glamour magazine would have you believe... The 'razzi pack were all over Lily Allen's pink fright wig hair do. So far, so Heat Magazine. But what they won't have had a chance to capture for posterity was that Ms Allen was so fucked off her face it's a wonder she managed to stagger onto the stage to accept the Editor's Choice award. Or should that be the Right Royally Cunted award? The award for Limelight Grabbing Twat unsurprisingly goes to Geri Halliwell for hogging the microphone while accepting the award for Best Band with fellow spices Mel B and Emma. Demonic, fame-hungry loser? She's got that look pinned down. Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/put-your-hands-together-for-gl.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/put-your-hands-together-for-gl.html Glittersnitch Reports Annie Lennox Berkeley Square Beth Ditto Bono cool as fuck Daisy Lowe Emma Bunton Geri Halliwell Glamour Awards Glamour magazine global poverty Heat Magazine Kate Beckinsale Lily Allen Mark Ronson Mel B pretty but pointless Spice Girls Wed, 04 Jun 2008 15:52:19 +0000 Glitterditch is a little red-faced this morning. After demanding the barman 'stick another gin' in a fifth cocktail, there followed an unhappy slither to the floor in full view of a restaurant packed to the rafters. On a Monday night too. But shit happens as they say, and we'd rather be us than Fern 'big fat liar' Britten today. The finger-waggers are out in force because our favourite daytime dame's gastric band surgery has been found out, thanks to the Sunday red tops, led by The News of the World. Now is this a disproportionate reaction bordering on a witch hunt? Or a deserved retraction of trust in someone who had a duty to the public to be truthful? Here at Glitterditch, we can't help but fall on the side of the first presumption. Surely the results speak for themselves, as Ms Britten has slimmed down from a whopping size 22 to the national average size 16. Armchair critics lambast Fern for hypocrisy and misleading her fans, but we smell a rat. Or rather a Ryvita Crispbread... Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/britten-baying-for-blood.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/06/britten-baying-for-blood.html We don't want to get personal, but... Daily Mail fatty Fern Britten fraud gastric band liar News of the World Ryvita The Mirror Tue, 03 Jun 2008 15:00:11 +0000 Thank God for celebrities behaving like twats, eh? If there's one thing we've learned, if you're going to do something illegal it's best to get caught red-handed on film. That way you see, the rozzers are fucked for proper evidence and you swan off with no more than a slapped wrist and a heap of publicity trailing in your wake. You know who you are, Amy and Kate. It's a shame Naomi Campbell didn't follow the example of her fellow clothes horse though. She galloped right on into Heathrow's Terminal 5 back in April this year and misbehaved in real life. Tsk tsk. (And they tell us models aren't stupid.) Now she's facing a prison term of six months for her antics, which included spouting a torrent of abuse at BA staff and then assaulting a police officer, allegedly by spitting on him. The reason? Lost luggage, innit. You can take the girl out of Streatham, etc. We are pleased to report however, that no mobile phones were harmed in the making of this scene. Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/05/campbells-condensed.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/05/campbells-condensed.html Enough. Go away now please. Amy Winehouse angel of the north Heathrow Kate Moss mobile phones Naomi Campbell Nick Knight prison sculpture Streatham temper tantrum terminal 5 The Independent twat Fri, 30 May 2008 12:33:19 +0000 Amateur Transplants. Most if not all of you will know this band as the ones who made that fucking irritating Underground song that was played ad nauseum by a wide selection of pikeys. Glitterditch is here to tell you, though, that despite the appropriation of their song by people you want to hit, these guys are genuinely funny. Both of them are doctors, which puts them in a disturbing life-or-death position over members of the general public. To counter the stress of this terrifying responsibility they spend their evenings writing immature songs about wanking, which they do very well indeed. Read more...]]> http://glitterditch.com/2008/05/in-defence-of-comedy-songs.html http://glitterditch.com/2008/05/in-defence-of-comedy-songs.html comedy comedy songs immortality the Amateur Transplants The Bedford the chubby white guy is best because he seems more sexually aggressive video wanking Youtube Thu, 29 May 2008 17:29:40 +0000