I’m also learning new things about the derby world. Commenter Romo used the word “merby”? What is this “merby”? Is it just a bunch of hot alternative-ish dudes in tights beating each other up? Because that also sounds like a wet dream I had the other night.

Since you all made that entry one of the more popular things written here in a while, I wanted to repost some of your awesome submissions. With some added teen-beat commentary, duhz.

Bench Coach Magnum P.I.M.P. of St. Louis’ Arch Rival Rollergirls

Manager Johnny Arson, CT Roller Derby

The infamous Mr. Rawk of Seattle, formerly of the Gotham City Roller Derby. (note: A lot of you responded “ew” to this, but whatevs, dude seems like a good time.)

Bench Coach Dr. Feel Good of the Carolina Rollergirls.

CupplesSk8, a referee with the Carolina Rollergirls.

Coach Bomb from Maine Roller Derby. Too bad about the results of Question 1 or else I’d propose! (too soon?)

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So there’s this new application that you have probably already heard about called Grindr. Basically the idea is that you can see guys in your area and how far away they are from you on your iPhone. It’s kinda like Manhunt I guess but taken to the next level incorporated GPS and all sorts of other advanced mobile social networking goodies. Also, it has a totally creepy skull/Jason mask for it logo:

I think maybe this is supposed to have the same effect on me as products that bear the message “AIDS Is Not Over.” Can’t be sure, but it’s pretty scary.

Or maybe the point of the logo is just to attract a lot of freaky people. While only a small percentage of the population really has access to this application, as it’s only available on the iPhone, it hasn’t stopped a number of totally crazy people from joining and trolling the mobile web for sex. This is where my newest micro-blog obsession picks up – Guys I Blocked on Grindr.

Basically this site is kind of like Guys With iPhones, but instead of being a kind of updated version of Hot or Not but geared towards gays with fancy technology, it’s just a cesspool of negativity towards guys who cruise using this new application. And we all know that cesspools of negativity on the internet equal instant hilarity! And with the exception of this one guy posted on there, who seems totally dreamy and I would love to go eat pancakes with, the site is a good mix of hilarious joke profiles and horriffic train wrecks in internet dating that can stand up to anything on Lurid Digs.

Since it’s the Halloween season, I’ve what I think qualifies as the most legitimately frightening profile ever:

I don’t have an iPhone so I can’t make a horrible tumblr of myself. I have about 1085 embarrassing pictures of myself that I don’t mind sharing with the world, and definately suck at online cruising, so I bet I could be on there. But I did make a PSD graphic template so that I could make a pretend screenshot. You can download my PSD template here to make one yourself.

Here’s my faked profile disaster:

So would you block that? Or did I not make it freaky enough? Post the freakiest profiles you either make yourself or find in the comments.

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“New York City! Center of the Universe! Anything is possible here!” – some Sex and the City loving cunt.

I normally hate that shit, but this actually sounded like kinda fun. I am a regular yoga practitioner and I like to get naked. This could be fun? After arriving, I should have known I was in for a really weird experience when I went to the bathroom before class and saw this:

To recover, Eliot and I had to talk out the experience. Curious about Hot Nude Yoga? Well then live vicariously through our conversation below:

Eliot: I’ve been working out for a while now, and finally got the confidence to do something that looked – honestly? – kind of crazy hot. Something that sounded like a weight loss commercial + gay faerie spew.

me: I do love gay faerie spew, but this was more not than hot I’d say.

Eliot: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm right. Even though i’m not particularly into super-muscular, lean chelsea bodies, the photos on the site are really tempting.

me: But I showed up and you were waiting in the hallway because you were terrified.

Eliot: Right, shaking because, come on, that hallway was like a midget whorehouse.

me: I’m not even sure what that means, but I totally agree, I’m pretty comfortable with my nudity, so it was no biggie for me, but like… it was a weird crowd.

Eliot: Here’s what i love. I’m getting undressed, SHAKING, and you literally saunter in like you were at a grocery store. Then again, you once photographed your mangina for public display.

me: This is true, I did photograph my mangina for public display in college. To complete the grocery store image however, I think they needed to be playing Seal’s “Kissed by a Rose.” That’s the one song I always hear at the grocery store, and I wouldn’t put that past them. The music was pretty new agey.

Eliot: that WAS enya, right? It was like “wait, wait, he’s not actually playing enya, right?” I was SO WORRIED that i’d be super boned throughout the whole class. You guaranteed me that wouldn’t be the case, and all i needed to do was walk into that room, shaking, to realize i’d be in turtle poke mode for 90 minutes – literally TREMBLING.

me: I generally am kinda like a dog when I am naked in public, my penis just kinda goes inside me. I’ve gotten really comfortable with the fact that I look like I have a micro-penis when naked in a group.

Eliot: haha!

me: plus, there was really no one to get boned about. The only cute person had the same name as me and they made us all stand up, look at eachother, and introduce ourselves. It was kinda like speed dating in the worst way, definately not like yoga

Eliot: Right, like…huh? i can see your penis but this feels like weight watchers. But i could’ve gotten boned over the yogi. He was so beefy

me: really? He was a large black man named Hollis teaching what was essentially “power yoga” at a Crunch gym or something. I can’t think of anything much more corny.

Eliot: But NAKED, with a big ol’ ween!

me: True, he did have a huge ween.

Eliot: that’s a dealbreaker, ladies.

me: Big weens?

Eliot: Yeah. Well, small weens are the dealbreaker.

me: hahaha, why is it a dealbreaker? It’s not for me.

Eliot: Big weens are the dealmaker.

me: I prefer average peens. Big ones are nice to look at, but that’s it – at least for me. I might not be the insatiable black hole of a bottom that I could be. The point is, in the beginning of class, Hollis makes us all look at eachother and say our names, and I think he took a particular liking to us, because I think he could tell we were both on the verge of cracking up.

Eliot: I WAS. But also because i get so fucking sweaty, my glasses slide off my face. At one point, i was like, “wow, i didn’t realize it was bikram yoga,” aaaaaaand it wasn’t. I’m just a monster.

me: That was my biggest complaint actually. Was that the actual yoga sucked. It was gym yoga.

Eliot: I’ve only done yoga with gym ladies (not lululemon crazies, but regular gym ladies)
so I was prepared

me: Well, I go three times a week at this point, have been doing it for three years, and actually have practiced a couple specific disciplines. I’m not great, but I know what the practice format should be. This was nothing like the teachers at serious studios. He basically was just yelling at us to do pushups at one point, but he called it chattarunga

Eliot: I knew i’d never heard of that! I was like…ok, cool, i can do pushups, but whatttt?

me: He was using yoga names for basic personal trainer style exersises. We didn’t really do anything besides a bunch of salutes to the sun and core strengthening excersises. At least for the first half. I’m not sure I’m even a fan of doing yoga naked. My junk kept getting caught between my legs. I would TOTALLY do yoga in underwear, but the support is kind of vital exactly! and that’s the other thing, without clothes to soak up the sweat my mat was so slippery I could hardly hold downward dog. I even had a towel and it was too much

Eliot: hahaha well it only got worse when the last half of the class was all partnered activity because our mats were pushed together and the place smelled like butt sweat. So basically we were doing yoga together on, like, a pile of banana peels just naked and gay.

me: Which, was pretty weird for other reasons too.

Eliot: It was like slippery twister.

me: we were pretty much the only two people there together.

Eliot: THANK GOD

me: people show up to this and do naked partner yoga with strangers. Pretty weird vibe.

Eliot: When i was spread eagle with your feet cupping my penis, i was literally biting my tongue from laughing because a) your feet were cupping my dick and b) IMAGINE IF I WAS CUPPING THE 70-YEAR-OLD GUY’S WEEN WITH MY FEET!

me: omg! I know! I can’t believe we were instructed to put our feet in eachother’s junk for the floor exercises.

Eliot: so good like..hollis, this isn’t yoga. I don’t know what this is, but it’s not yoga

me: well, that particular move was. That was a partnered paschimottanasana.

Eliot: Right, right, or “babydick salute.” But then we had to massage each other’s hamstrings. Is that part of the move?

me: Yeah…. you also don’t know where the hamstring is, FYI. it’s behind the leg

Eliot: Yes i do, it’s under the thigh!

me: You totally rubbed the top of my thigh. What was weird, was when we had to hug each other. That was not a pose with a name.

Eliot: that was when i was dying the most. “Now place your ear on your partner’s shoulder.”

me: I think it was like… the crescendo of a enya song, or maybe it was deep forest when we had to do that and I almost lost it.

Eliot: YES IT WAS. IT WAS THE CRESCENDO. THAT WAS INCREDIBLE. If I were doing that with a boyfriend or a guy who wasn’t you, my friend whose mangina I’d seen the second time we hung out, I may have easily been boned.

me: I was kind of like “ummm… is this real? because i’m questioning everything about my life choices right now. I never thought I’d be listening to new age music and hugging my friend naked with a bunch of gay chelsea dudes, ever in my life.”

Eliot: that was undoubtedly the apex for me. The funniest moment of the class.

me: I think Hollis yelled at me to relax my face, because I was trying so hard not to crack up.

Eliot: He did! When we had to sitt, butt to butt, and lay backwards on each other’s calves, that was almost funnier.

me: I thought that was pretty tame. Except without wearing underwear, I totally end up with a mangina in that position. The killer for me was that at the end.

Eliot: The group hug?

me: Instead of sitting shavasana like you are supposed to at the end, we group hug. So weird! After the group hug and feel good weirdness, which made me feel like I was in AA or a meth recovery group, you pretty much got dressed and fled.

Eliot: Oh i RAN. I needed to escape the smell of anus too, of course, but I love how Hollis also said we should say hello to each other on the street and you and I.

me: I take a long time to get dressed though, I’m just a slow dresser like that and Hollis was saying stuff like “we had a couple virgins in the class today”

Eliot: GET OUT. “And i think one of those virgins may have been terrified of us being absoutely terrfying.” It’s ok though because we will never see them on the street because we don’t go to Splash.

me: After the virgin comment, I was like “yeah, I normally practice in brooklyn.” And then he made me give him a hug. No joke.

Eliot: See, that’s why i left. No hugs, byeeeeeeeeee!

me: So would you ever do it again?

Eliot: Yes, if it were in an igloo with gentleman under 35 with facial hair

me: An igloo?

Eliot: yeah, COLD YOGA!

me: haha! That will make your peen even smaller.

Eliot: Not if i’m cupping the ween of someone who looks like Jeremy Sisto.

me: No one will ever look like Jeremy Sisto at yoga.

Eliot: never

me: Also, the idea of cold boners is grossing me out. So let’s just say we’d never do it again.

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I couldn’t help myself, and started looking at roller derby leagues around the U.S. They got one thing wrong… most of the girls are not quite the Suicide Girls the movie depicts, with the MAJOR exception that is the alternative sexiness that exists in the Portland teams, the Rose City Rollers. However, It looks like the writers and producers and Drew Barrymore picked up on one awesome stereotype when they cast the movie. Roller Derby coaches almost always really, really hot, and Andrew Wilson in Whip It is a fine example of the sort of totally crushable male hotties you can expect to see. (Just in case you’re wondering, that last sentance just landed me a job as the editor of Tiger Beat magazine).

The following are some prime examples of male meat you can expect to see in this mostly girl dominated sport. (And in case you were wondering, THAT last sentence just landed me a job writing for Cosmo. This post has basically launched my career as a very highly sought after woman’s magazine editor.)

Flying Squirrel, Manager for the Gotham Girls Roller Derby:

The coach for the Portland Rose City Rollers‘ Wheels of Justice:

Also in the Rose City Rollers, Portland’s Fresh Meat Program:

Coach for the TXRD Lonestar Rollergirl’s Hellcats:

Know of any other hot roller derby guys? Send them to me or put them in the comments.

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Did you know that stereotype that gay men all suffer from horrible relationships with their fathers? I didn’t think it was true. But then YouTube proved me wrong. Apparently it’s a huge deal to post your one’s own rendition of “Oh Father” online if you’re a gay man. I don’t 100% understand it. If I was going to cover a song and post it on YouTube, I would cover something more like “Banana Phone”, which is a little more my pace.

But back on topic, “Oh Father” has been trending really hard apparently, and I’ve just been oblivious. Some of the best below:

Midwestern emo goth gay version:

Weird homemade movie about child molestation and abuse:

Indie gay:

Midi gay:

If you had to cover a song and post it to YouTube, what would it be?

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I kinda think it’s great. I mean, really great. Generally middle school is a time when queer kids get depressed and hate most of the world, but not for these kids. Look at how fun their gay tween dance is!!!

Not that I don’t have my skepticism about an 11 year old’s ability to comprehend sexual identity, but as the article notes:

Still, the younger they are when they come out, the more that youth with same-sex attractions face an obstacle that would be unimaginable to their straight peers. When a 12-year-old boy matter-of-factly tells his parents — or a school counselor — that he likes girls, their reaction tends not to be one of disbelief, dismissal or rejection. “No one says to them: ‘Are you sure? You’re too young to know if you like girls. It’s probably just a phase,’ ” says Eileen Ross, the director of the Outlet Program, a support service for gay youth in Mountain View, Calif. “But that’s what we say too often to gay youth. We deny them their feelings and truth in a way we would never do with a heterosexual young person.”

Q: what kind of fucking asshole would I have to be to tell these kids they can’t know who they are?

A: One really big fucking asshole, the same kind that grows up and makes gay people’s lives miserable. So shut the fuck up and let them define themselves and figure this stuff out.

So even when I question the long term truth of the high number of kids in this article identifying so readily as bisexual, I chalk it up to “kids being kids” and discovering who they are. The fact that this generation even has a lexicon to identify queer sexual feelings is impressive, and, I think, very important. I can’t help but notice how AWARE these kids are of the fluidity of their own identities at this age, as one student, Alison, says, “We can’t even keep up with who’s gay or bi and who’s into who, and we go to school here!”

It seems like these kids might even be aware of some of issues that complicate adult queer life and identities. The following paragraph could pretty accurately describe any age group of queers in relation to mainstream society:

In particular, openly gay youth who are perceived as conforming to adolescent gender norms are often fully integrated into their peer and school social circles. Girls who come out as bisexual but are still considered “feminine” are often immune from harassment, as are some gay boys, like Laddie, who come out but are still considered “masculine.” “Bisexual girls have it the easiest,” Austin told me in Oklahoma. “Most of the straight guys at school think that’s hot, so that can make the girl even more popular.

I had so much internalized homophobia, it took me until after high school to come out. I have friends who didn’t come out until their mid 20s. I can’t help but wonder what sort of person I would be if I had spent middle school and high school somewhat well adjusted about myself and my sexuality. I laughed when Alison and Justin give Benoit a tour of the school to identify the gays and bisexuals with the terms “paws” and “woof” respectively, and end up speculating that their school is full of confused bisexuals and gays. Their behavior — these attempts to navigate the fairly complicated world of human sexuality — at 11 seems to mirror some of mine when I was 18. The world I grew up in seems alien in comparison, and I was lucky to grow up in a liberal area that had one of the ealier Gay Straight Alliances. My world in the 90s must have seemed pretty alien to the previous generation — the rate of change is astounding.

It’s really inspiring to be living at a time when a segment of the population, considered doomed to a life of loneliness, blamed for a worldwide epidemic, and told that part of who they are is a “choice” that condemns them to hell, can finally grow up, just maybe, feeling good about themselves and with the sort of emotional milestones during adolescence that are more easily experience by their straight counterparts. This starts to look like change I can believe in. It was enough to provoke a tear or two by the end of the article.

This optimism and these emotions could be just what the author wants me to feel. It’s hard to take stock in few case studies presented in this article when hate crimes towards trans, gays, and lesbians appears to be on the rise. There’s a lot of work to be done, and a couple case studies do not necessarily reflect a sea change in national attitudes.

It’s good to see that some things about the teen gay experience haven’t changes since my adolescence:

It’s not uncommon for gay youth to have their same-sex attraction discovered thanks to a rogue number on a phone bill or, more often these days, a poorly concealed Internet search history. “We see a lot of kids get outed by porn on the computer,” Tim Gillean told me in Tulsa. “I knew one kid who told his mom: ‘I don’t know how that got there. Maybe it was dad!’”

And we only had dial-up. I can only imagine what I would have been looking at if high speed connections had existed. Jesus, I would have got in trouble.

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Anyways, what do you all think about this GG in college business? I mean, I think it offers a lot of opportunities for binge drinking, drug use, sexual escapades, drunk texting, sexting, and all the other great mistakes people make, but I am wondering if the show will really “go there.” I mean, I feel like they need to stop making it so “social rivalry” and make it a little bit more like Brandi and Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine.” You listening GG producers? Romantic rivalry always will play out more realistically once people are college aged.

However, I do hear in one aspect the show will go there. There’s gonna be a gay kiss and it’s gonna be with Chuck Bass.

So while I am not part of this crowd, most people have celebrity crushes on Nate Archibald and Chuck Bass, played respectively by Chase Crawford and Ed Westwick. Remember when the tabloids thought they might be gay together in real life? That was so silly! But inspired by the stories, some genius made a mash-up of Chuck and Nate clips set to a Magnetic Fields song. You can probably guess track they used.

Damn right it’s about time you tap that ass!

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I used to not like him so much, taking him to be more of a conservative stick in the mud, frumpy, complaining bear of a gay. But in the most recent couple of years, I have really warmed up to him and like him more every day. Ever since the possibility of equality of gays and lesbians has become more real in recent years, I find him to be a great source of inspiration when it comes to defining the complicated concepts of gay solidarity in our current era.

He recently wrote a really great piece centered around a quote from Neil Patrick Harris in New York magazine, mostly concerning the tug of war between assimilating to straight culture and maintaining a radical queer culture. On this blog (where I have butted heads with a fellow writer here in the past) and elsewhere, I’ve always been one to argue that gay rights is not just about letting housebroken gay couples in the suburbs have their quiet life and children as much as it is about allowing the flag waving queen on the pride float the opportunity to have a family without either of them changing who they are. The way I see it, the only thing that “sets back a movement” is our inability to embrace the queens, glitter freaks, trans boys, and others who deviate from the mainstream as real people that deserve the opportunity to have a family, even if that family might seem weird to someone else. I mean, there’s no laws preventing a snake dancer and the guy who puts nails up his nose from getting married, so people who think two guys dancing on a float covered in glitter once a year is somehow “anti-family” are just finding ways to rationalize their homophobia.

So obviously I found particular inspiration in the following quote:

The simple truth is that a lot of closeted gay people out there need and yearn for representatives who seem straighter or more “normal” than some gays. And the difficult task is to accept that and be glad for it but never to forget that there is no cultural or personal criterion for civil rights or toleration. In my own defense of masculine gays, there is an embedded injunction: “Leave No Drag Queen Behind.” Playing favorites with the majority culture is both demeaning in a way, and misleading. Everyone is a shade or two away from normal; and the pied beauty of humanity should not be carved into acceptable and unacceptable based on things that simply make us who we are.

But, enough with the serious talk. I’m not really a deep person and should stop pretending.

Obviously the real purpose of this post is far more silly and shallow. I mean, don’t you think the motto “No Drag Queen Left Behind” could make a really good premise for a fierce cinematic experience? I sure do.

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Thank you Rich, for this gift to the digital online world.

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But you know what I have been doing while not online?

I watched a marathon of Bridezillas that re-introduced me to the darkness of humanity!

I failed at playing the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s “Maps” maps on the medium difficulty level!

I had a picnic with a cat on a leash!

Oh, and I also went to Provincetown and got some much needed relaxation and sun. I got enough sun that my buddy Marlon told me I look latino. That must be why they call me El Papi Barracho at the deli down the street.

But most importantly, I’ve spent a lot of time looking at other people’s sites and blogs instead of updating my own. One site in particular has hypnotized me this entire summer and deserves a fierce shout out. A fierce shout out set to a mash-up of Ru-Paul’s “Cover Girl” and the theme song from “Chips” and it goes something like this:

I can’t get enough of CTRL + W33D. Srsly, guys, don’t be mad because they’re rad. I’ve been into these guys for about 6 months and am happy to finally have a reason to write them up.

These guys are probably the best bunch of geniuses since the folks at Everything is Terrible. I mean…. they posted this which has been stuck in my brain and keeping me awake at night for the last two weeks and also sparked a sudden interest in the hilarity that is the Pomeranian breed.

Another ongoing meme they recently started that has me hot and bothered? Screenshots of Grindr. What happens when you combine desperation, constructed online personas, and Guys with iPhones? Really embarrassing Grindr conversations and pix. It almost makes me wish I had an iPhone so I could play along. It’s a source of endless hilarity and these guys totally nailed it.

BUTT magazine wrote them up on their blog a while ago, and east village DJ and nightlife personality Michael Magnan offers a nice succinct explanation to help better understand the site and how it’s a signifier of the apocalypse.

Since February 2009, anonymous Tumblr’s D.R., I.L., B.A., K.K., and J.G. have been collectively assembling a seemingly endless archive of hilarious, perverted and inebriated found images and video under the pseudonym CTRL + W33D. A mission statement addressed to one of the later-joining members classified its intentions as being a “totally NSFW…experiment in Anarchy and AIDS and Being High.”  For those of you growing up gay 3.0 on the internet, this visual morgue should help satiate your constant jones for getting lost in a matrix of google image search depravity.’ – Michael Magnan

I have my own way of explaining this blog that involves this recent conversation with a friend that I can only loosely transcribe from memory.

Friend: I was in this art history class, and the teacher was all “If Andy Warhole was alove today would he blog? And what would he blog about?
Me: He wouldn’t blog. He’d have a Tumblr.
Friend: Duhz. Teachers are such squares.

Basically CTRL+W33D feels like the ghost The Factory using the internet to digitally whisper into our present.

So, I suggest all of you take their big, hard RSS feed and stick it in your Google Reader. Once you learn to relax a little, there’s no way you’ll be dissapointed with how it makes you feel.

P.S. The guys at CTRL+W33D are also frequent contributors to Bears I’m Jealous Of which has me suspicious that I might only be a degree or two removed from their real life socializing. This has led to countless hours of recent internet stalking trying to figure out who they are. I’d appreciate any real clues or funny misinformation in the comments.

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All I see is this:

Which reminds me of a little story. About 6 years ago I dated a pattern maker who was just starting at Heatherette. He was a really sweet guy, I have nothing bad to say about him, and while he has since gone the way of party promoting, fashion gay, and I a very different route, I remember a little anecdote he told me.

Apparently Sophia Lamar, Amanda Lepore, and Jocelyn Wildenstein get t0gether once a week for brunch at B Bar. We used to fantasize about getting an invite to this exclusive brunch – I can’t imagine it would be anything short of amazing. With this as my inspiration, I wrote this compelling pitch to the producers at Oxygen.

Dear Producers at Oxygen,

Plz c0nsidr my reality sh0w Queer Plastic Surgery Brunch. It will be way better than Addicted to Beauty. Way m0re Laffs and Lolz. Cheaper to make t00.

Your BFF -

Colin

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Gross? This is a verified account so we can safely say this was written my Miley herself.

This just raises so many questions and provides very few answers: What is a teenager doing in bed with her mom? Why is she scratching her mom’s bug bites? Why is her mother ok with that? Why is this something her PR allowed to be broadcast to her millions of followers? Is Miley Cyrus an alien from another planet?

Just like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, I think the answers will always remain a mystery.

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Having not posted in a while, suffice it to say I’ve got a lot on my mind (and I know that Arch Noble and the Manhunt blog guy are just waiting with baited breath because, let’s face it, I’m CRAZY important, you guys).

However, this isn’t the time or place (okay, well, yes, it is the place) for me to spout rhetoric or wax philosphical about issues facing gender, sexuality, and queer identification.  Nah, you guys, today’s a different kind of day.  In fact, it’s a day I’ve declared The Day I Found A Twink I’d Like To Enter.

As a gentleman who fancies himself a fan of mostly the “bear-friendly” crowd (by which I mean dudes with facial scruff, body hair, deep voices, muscular legs, and tattoos – BONER TOWN, “POP.” ME!), the “twink” is a body type to which I virtually pay no attention.  Of course, the feeling is often mutual, but nevertheless, my wiener could tell you firsthand (yes, she talks!) that little is less appealing than a torso resembling that of a tween girl.  No.  Thanks.

HOWEVER, the power of dance has changed all that in thanks to Curtis, or MrTinydancer88 (duh #1), a young (duh #2), entirely hairless (duh #3) musical theater actor (duh #4, 5, and 6) who has taken to dancing shirtless (duh #7) on YouTube in videos that showcase his mindblowingly skillful ability to Booty Dance.   Like only the most savvy of the ghetto princesses who popularized the dance, this fag pops his ass, makes it bounce, and, in the process, makes me forget that he’s wearing a girl’s headband (duh #8), has a BELLY BUTTON PIERCING (duh #9), and is essentially beckoning for a gang bang (duh #10) in front of his best gal pal (duh #11).

It’s sick, it’s twisted, and I can’t believe I want him to take off his cutoff sweatpants (duh #12).

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Considering that the number one Google result this blog, which wrote up a crappy “love it or leave it” post and kind of looks like Boing Boing branded for the Sex in the City Gal (Miranda TOTALLY would read this. Let’s go get margs after work girls), I’m going to assume this is still fairly under the radar for any one who has any real taste or pizazz. People like me. I have pizazz and taste in case you didn’t know.

And I think this is kind of awesome? I don’t know if it’s just my  affinity for the use of children’s choirs in indie music or if I am truly listening to greatness.

Also, there’s this really sweet song.

DEAD MAN’S BONES – “NAME IN STONE” from biz3 publicity on Vimeo.

Ryan Gosling is officially number on in my pantheon of celebrity crushes from now on, as if his performance Half Nelson didn’t impress me enough. If I had his number I would totally sext him all the time.

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But this time off, being broke a little too broke to fly away on vacation, has given me time to think. With all this gay marriage going around, we need to remember that the purpose of gay marriage is really to legitimize families. This includes your legitimizing your adopted kids, and we need to be responsible about naming them if we’re going to have them. I’ve been doing a bit of thinking about the whole process of pairing up, whether or not I want kids, and whether or not I would ever want kids enough to be a single father if I start to get old and still am not gay married. Also, in my refusal to blog about or see Bruno (because it looks stupid and boring, not because of GLAAD’s statement), I really needed a topic for this week.

I had a conversation last night with Erin of The Steeez and The Nudes last night about all the awesome names I could give my adopted baby.

Erin: I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
decartes had a sexy fetish for… CROSS EYED WOMEN
why did i not know this in high school when i was reading him?????????
AHHHHH
me: that’s AWESOME
Erin: I KNOW FUCK
Erin: i’m naming my son rene
just in case he has bad eyes
me: I would probably name a child something like… hoyt or holden
Erin: fuck you. HOLDEN?
me: colby
Erin: COLBY
LIKE THE SHITTY CHEESE
name him TOME at least
name him Sheeps Tome Fitzpatrick
Grassy Meadow Tome Fitzpatrick
me: colby, middle name jack
I kind of always wanted to name a kid vestibule
vestibule fitzpatrick
Erin: OMG NO!!!!!!!! VESTIBULE??????? NOOOOOOOO
me: i think it’s awesome
Erin: I’m starting a nonprof called “colin can’t name a baby”
me: i’ll just name him pre-shredded sargento fitzpatrick
Erin: “Ourpassion Ischeese Fitzpatrick”
me: that’s awesome
Erin: why dont you just name it “data center linux fitzpatrick”?
me: omg, if it’s a girl, first name dot, middle name matrix
dot matrix fitzpatrick
Erin: you’re child will never, ever, ever, have sex
not even one time
me: i probably want a hippie name
like Zephyr
Aurora
Erin: i believe that “zephyr” was ruined as a word after in her shoes, the movie with biggie greek wedding and cammie diaz
Erin: “wagging her something head”
maybe not
but SOMETHING ruined zephyr
it may have been shakespeeeez but tevs, still a no
what about Wheat Germ Abraham Fitzpatrick
Kinda new, kinda jew
me: grape nuts fitzpatrick
L. Casei Immunitas Fitzpatrick
Kombucha Fitzpatrick
Erin: omg, wait
Novel Fitzpatrick
me: I LIKE THAT
Erin: WHY has no one named their kid that
me: Novel for a boy
Erin: it’s so bad it’s UNBELIEVABLE that it’s orig
Novel the boy and girl name…
Novel and
me: Crested Butte Fitzpatrick
Erin: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, nothing that’s too butt-y, people are already racist against you
me: Buttressed Roots Fitzpatrick
Erin: KSGBLSDGHLSDKGNSD
Archway Fitzpatrick
Erin: Dash Snow Fitzpatrick
Gauranteed Heroin Problem Fitpatrick
Problem Fitzpatrick
me: YES
Erin: DONT HAVE A DRUG BABY!!!!!!!!!!!
me: hahaha
problem fitzpatrick should be MY nickname
trouble fitzpatrick
Erin: OMG I GOT IT!!!!!!!
Lentil Fitzpatrick – your DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!
me: OMG I LOVE THAT
Erin: your daughter is so lentil
me: awesome erin
Erin: it’s not EXACTLY hippies, bc it has old school roots
your daughter Lentil is sooooo open minded and cool
i ask her what flannel to wear
me: she’s really a free spirit – like her daddy
Erin: i ask her if i can have a 3some with my bf

Seriously though, besides the name, did you guys notice that René Descartes HAD A FETISH FOR CROSS EYED WOMEN? These sorts of bites of trivia are what I love for.

Back on topic — What would you name your gay adopted baby?

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Will Clark World was the first to report on the announcement from International Mr. Leather’s president Chuck Renslow. Renslow’s letter is re-posted below:

Dear Vendors:

On behalf of International Mr. Leather, Inc., I would like to thank you for
your past support and in particular for your participation as a vendor in
our annual Leather Market.  We are writing you today to inform you of
a policy change affecting next year (2010) and all future markets.

Though we are now three decades into the HIV/AIDS epidemic, no cure has been
found.  The CDC and local health officials inform us that new infections are on
the rise.  And, while we have had some success developing medications that
might make infection more manageable, that accomplishment comes at a price.
Not having experienced the deaths – the loss of loved ones — which preceded
these medications, we have an entire generation who may not fully appreciate or comprehend the severity of the situation.

Too many in our community believe HIV/AIDS is curable or manageable.  Too
few understand that HIV/AIDS infections dominate life.  We believe that it
is our duty to inform and educate.  Several years ago when “Meth” was the scourge of our community, IML drew a line in the sand and raised awareness and used all our influence to try and stop this addictive madness.  As is the case with HIV/AIDS, we believe it is our further obligation to do everything in our power to prevent future infections.

To that end, after considerable discussion, the Executive Committee of International Mr. Leather has decided that it will no longer allow participation in the IML Leather Market by any entity which promotes barebacking or distributes/sells any merchandise tending to
promote or advocate barebacking.  This restriction will also apply to distribution of gifts, post cards or any other information via our facilities.

This policy takes effect immediately.

Sincerely,

Chuck Renslow, President
International Mr. Leather

I personally think this is a great, bold move on their part. Some might liken it to censorship, and one commenter on Will Clark’s blog even compared it to Christians banning books. I have a hard time with this argument. I find bareback porn in direct conflict with health education, even if it does present what can and should be recognized as a fantasy scenario.

We live in a culture that lacks any sort of healthy sexual education, especially for LGBT people. I remember my first sex ed class. We were told “there are some people who sleep with members of the same sex” and that was it. This was in the early nineties,when AIDS activism and awareness was at its peak at a liberal school. I can only imagine the way our health issues and identities are ignored in more conservative classrooms.

As sad as it is, the majority of my education about gay sex came from looking at pornography. At the time, all that was easily available was studio porn where all the men used condoms. Pre-condom porn also was around, but it all looked dated and I didn’t relate it with the sort of media I saw around me at the time. Shag haircuts, mustaches, and natural looking bodies just didn’t match up with the emerging body types, hair cuts, and fashions I saw on TV. It was more difficulty to use as fantasy fodder since it felt like a different world than the one I lived in.

In college when I became sexually active, it just seemed natural to use condoms since that’s all I had ever really seen practiced. The guy I was first with was also a virgin at the time, but we still used condoms.  I even remember him asking if I had ever been tested (note: I had no reason at the time to get an HIV because I had never been sexually active). Condom use had been beaten into our brains through AIDS activists like Pedro, whose safer sex lectures and condom demonstrations on MTV and along with his presence on the Real World somehow somehow gave a face to the epidemic through mass media. On a more personal level, in eighth grade health class, we had an HIV positive man come and teach us how to put condoms on bananas and talk about his illness and prevention. Fear of disease as a consequence of homosexual desire was so ingrained in my adolescent brain that the idea of foregoing condoms, even in what was a safe situation when I was with a fellow virgin, didn’t feel like an option.

Fast forward to today. Barebacking porn is produced at 3 times the rate of porn that uses condoms. Instead of Pedro we now have Jack in Project Runway as the only HIV positive gay personality on TV, and he’s telling us how healthy he despite being HIV positive for 20 something years. Sexual education is in dire straights, as the CDC reports that lax educational initiatives seem to be possibly reversing the slow of HIV and other STDs that was in motion as I was growing up. While the information is all still available, the visibility and importance of practicing safer sex no longer has a place in popular media and most likely is not reaching kids in the classroom. It is definitely not reaching LGBT kids in the classroom, as our sex lives and health issues are generally not discussed in public classrooms.

So where are kids today getting their ideas about how to ‘do it’? I have a lot of difficulty believing that the increased visibility of bareback porn is having an effect on kids’ behavior. When interpreted as reality, these fantasy scenarios that fetishize unsafe sex have the potential to teach a lot of naive young men that AIDS and HIV is a thing of past instead of a reality we still need to deal with.

I don’t believe in censorship. I definitely don’t think this material should be banned. I just think certain ethical guidelines need to be put in place. It could really be something as simple as an FCC required health PSA before each scene. Many men can recognize that these are meant to depict fantasy and should be allowed to enjoy it. But those who might come from underserved communities regarding sex ed, LGBT health issues, and other situations where they might not know better — they need a reminder.

The truth is the health status of many of the models in bareback porn is questionable. I have difficulty watching bareback porn because it just reminds me of so many conversations I had while doing health outreach between 2002 and 2006. It’s impossible for me to put aside the reality. During that time I was an outreach worker for CHEST, an AIDS/HIV health and study center located in Chelsea. Bareback porn was just starting to become popular and debates around the office centered just how dangerous this was for the models. Even when it was two HIV positive models in the scene and seroconversion wasn’t an issue, many of them were running risks of creating new strains and drug resistant variations of the virus through re-infection. There needs to be an effort to make sure that the reality of these risks is known if people are going to consume this stuff as fantasy.

Until our education system is better, until people have better access to health, until a vaccine is developed, until, until, until… In my debates surrounding these issues it seems bareback supporters are afraid to attribute any current problems with safer sex practice in young gay communities with bareback porn. To what extent should porn consider it’s role in our community?  Should porn even have an ethical responsibility? I know my feelings on the matter, but does that make me some sort of fascist who should really place the blame elsewhere?

Eric Leven wrote a really great response. Even though he’s up on his high horse and some of his arguments rely on a certain amount of belligerence, I can’t help but agree with his analogies. I think that just like the ban on trans fat and the new requirements for fast food institutions to post caloric intakes, bareback porn companies should be held responsible for giving their viewers the information they need to make the decisions they feel are best, whether that means they’re going to say “Fuck it!” and eat that Big Mac, or say “Fuck it!” and copy the models they see having unprotected sex. Fortunately you can work off a Big Mac at the gym. Bad sexual decisions aren’t as forgiving.

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The gay penguins of the San Francisco Zoo have split over a woman. Her name is Linda and she’s a whore if you ask me.

POOR PEPPER!!!!! I hope he still gets visitation rights for the kid.

[via Joe My God]

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My buddies have this pretty fresh band called The NUDES. They have a tumblr.

So I got this pretty fresh musical persona you might not know about. It’s called Cold Coconuts. Sometimes I show up at Savalas, mostly for my friends DJ sets. It gives me lots of inspiration for my own shit. I think it’s really important to have gay representation in the class of cutting edge cultural producers.

You know it’s real because I already have an EP cover for when I finally figure out how to make some beats in Garageband. Kyle nudes designed the cover, it’s pretty fresh.

Cold Coconuts got fuckin’ BLAZED and hung out with the nudes a little while ago. It was pretty fresh. You can see their blog about it here.

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Well, recently my kombucha brew has been really, really sour.I just drained it yesterday and it’s almost undrinkable. This is most likely  my own fault. I have been letting the brew ferment for far too long, as I have started on a apple cider therapy to try and help my recent allergies, and chugging both acidic substances is a bit much for me to handle.

See unfiltered apple cider vinegar helps your body break down mucous and fats and helps with allergies. You just call me a hippie, because I prefer to do this rather than take claritin. It’s ok. I’m comfortable with the label.

The point of this story is not to extoll the benefits of drinking harsh unfiltered vinegars, however. Doing some research last night I came upon a new use for kombucha, reccomended if it is too sour to drink by happyherbalist.com.

KOMBUCHA CAN BE USED AS A DOUCHE!!! ALL MY PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED!!!

Now I wonder if they mean a douche solely for vageens… think I might try and pour some down my colon snake from Fort Troff this weekend and see what happens. I bet that shit gets you high.

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For some reason I find the idea of the distilled essence of Michael Jackson’s energy wandering around the world in shadow form absolutley terrifying. Do you think this is real? The truth is out there there (aka welcome to my lame X-Files reference).

[Thanks Elliott for passing on this video]

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