• He lives in San Francisco and is some sort of gay hipster of sorts, evidenced most apparently by the Aunt Charlie’s shout out in the end. I had a pretty decent time at the Tube Steak party there once!!! Although going through the tenderloin at night is a tiny bit scary!!!
• He has some sort of association with ex-Gravy Train member Hunx, now of Hunx and his Punx, who sings in the chorus.
  

One thing that can be said with certainty is that the guy (with the help of animator Skye Thorstenson and a slew of other folks) has made one of the best, funniest, cutest, campy-yet-sincere music videos I have ever seen. Happy Friday, guys.

[tons of props to CTRL + W33D for posting this and bringing it to my attention]

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And boy was I proven wrong! I saw a preview with bloggy buddies Sorry I Missed Your Party and Hard Liquor, Soft Holes at the Regal on 42nd Street and 8th on Tuesday (the one next to the Dallas BBQ that I obvs hit up for a Texas Size Beer and a burger after wards). I actually laughed a lot and wasn’t totally bored/annoyed with the movie. AND THIS IS THE PART WHERE I ANNOUNCE SPOILER ALERT!

I like dude comedies for the most part. I like raunchy humor (although fart jokes can get a bit old) and I LOVE comedy created around despairing, depressed people who are kind of awesome but crushed by the world (because I kind of relate). My one big usual critique of dude comedies is that they normally circulate around straight male fantasies where everything around them must be subjugated to their will to find happiness. This is where the film surprised me, they introduce a satirical version of this ending with Rob Corddry’s character.

On top of that Rob Corddry just CRUSHES IT with his performance. He really carried the whole film for me.

His character plays a total alcoholic depressing fuck-up named Lou whose friends all ignore him and who MAYBE tries to commit suicide at the beginning (it’s never totally clear if it was just an accident that looked like suicide or if the bender he was on was intentionally self destructive). John Cusack, his nephew played by proto-Judah-Friedlander Clark Duke, and Craig Robinson take him on a retreat to a ski lodge where they had wild times when they were younger. Upon arrival, the place turns out to be falling apart, full of olds, and no longer a good times place, so they all get wasted in the hot tub. In a barely explained premise, some wacky Russian energy drink turns the hot tub into a time machine (the name of the movie does not lie!) that brings them back to the their youth. The rest of the exposition here doesn’t really matter enough for me to type out in detail.

The important thing is that what happens allows the future to change, because the guys, as their younger selves (always represented by their older selves on screen) change their past actions. The typical tension between loving the ‘good old party times’ and the ‘responsibilities of adult life’ arise. The men use their knowledge of the future to do things that will make their previous lives, which have such not-big-deal problems as unfaithful wives, difficulties dating and shitty jobs, into the lives they always wanted.

Two of the character’s endings are boring – but Rob Corrdy! Here’s where Rob Corddry’s character arc really makes the film work for me. His future, fantasy self has hair instead of growing bald, but it’s weird crazy Siegfriend and Roy Hair! He invents Google but names it Lougle (after his character’s name)! He just runs with it and creates this total parody of the normal straight-dude fantasy ending that is genuinely funny and critical at the same time!

Other things to note about the film:

• It is incredibly raunchy. Every body fluid get screen time. Blood, cum, vomit, piss, you name it.
• There’s a good amount of uncomfortable homoerotic moments.
• There is a time traveling squirrel that is actually kind of a funny running joke.
• Bad jokes about eighties trends really take a back seat to the raunchy humor. There’s really a lot less jokes about bad trends and fashions than I expected, which is GOOD because those jokes are pretty played out.
• John Cusack smokes bong rips, snorts coke, eats mushrooms and then dresses up like a crazy homeless lady on the Upper East Side (or maybe just old Edie from Grey Gardens?) and wanders around and it is soooo funny.
• Lizzy Caplan, known for her break out role as the goth girl in Mean Girls, plays Cusack’s love interest. I am a huge fan of hers from her work on the amazing Party Down (the best show hardly anyone watches) and while her role isn’t written very well (She’s kinda a cliché ‘free spirit who helps Cusack remember ‘how to live.’ Whatever, right?) I am really happy to see her getting work.
• Did I mention John Cusack takes tons of drugs and wanders around dressed in glasses that look like they were purchased on the street from st marks and some ragged but fancy looking fur jacket and scarf?

So good job Hot Tub Time Machine! You sure showed me not to judge a movie by a trailer!

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I’m one of the rare people who is actually more into the Winter Olympics than the Summer Olympics. I mean come on. Figure Skating! Ice Dancing! Ski Jumps! Ski Cross! Snowboard Cross! There’s just so many weird sports.

This year I discovered a new weird sport to love. I legitimately am really into curling. I find it to be an exciting game of strategy. It’s a lot like watching a great game of pool at the bar, but more absurd, on ice, and utilizing actual giant stones. Also, what are their shoes? Because they don’t wear skates but they glide so gracefully.

And have you noticed? Strategies between women’s and men’s curling are super gendered! The women are super passive aggressive, putting one stone in the house (or, my preferred spelling, “the hoose”)  and then guarding the shit out of it. The men are more outwardly aggressive, knocking opponents stones or  just clearing the board when it stops going their way. It really makes me want to watch a co-ed game.

And more importantly, the game seems to be filled with secret crush worthy guys. Really, who had any idea that there were so many totally handsome men who were into curling?

For your viewing please, here’s a list of some of the most attractive men in curling I could find online. And of course I drew all over their pictures like a middle school girl in luuuuv!!!

[Look, I'm not even sure what some of my so-called innuendos I drew below are even supposed to mean. I just write this shit, ok?]

John Morris of Canada:

Thomas Ulsrud of Norway:

The dreamy stoner looking dude, Jason Smith, of the USA:

Jan Henri Ducroz of France:

The twinkalicious Oskar Erickson of Sweden:

The striking Raphael Mathieu of France:

And the very handsome and very fashionable (via the pants) Haavard Vad Petersson:

<3 these kewties <3

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Well, it looks like Xiu Xiu’s upcoming album being released Monday, February 22, is aiming to provide some beautiful depressive catharsis. Xiu Xiu has consistently been one of the only bands I will shell out for whenever they come to town. The shows always have an amazing sense of live experimentation (For example, the last show I went to, they experimented with percussive tones using a yield sign placed on a saw horse). Jamie Stewart, the driving force behind the project, is magnetic on stage with an amazing ability to communicate on a personal level with large crowds. I was also always a big fan of Caralee, who unfortunately is now listed as a former member. (True story side note: I once went on a very unsuccessful date with a guy I met at one of their concerts!)

While the live performances have always been amazing, I always found some of their recording to be hit and miss. Sometimes the experimentation just doesn’t translate in recording. Don’t get me wrong. The most recent Women As Lovers was GREAT. Fabulous Muscles was a HUGE standby when I needed to emo out alone in my room in college. I actually can’t name an album I don’t like. I even liked the covers compilation released 3 years back. My point is more that I understand why people might NOT like it. Which is why these three leaked tracks from the upcoming Dear God, I Hate Myself have me really excited.

All three tracks go back to the sort of alternative electronic vibe that I first came to love about this band while adding in a kind of New Order 80s dance sensibility. Basically I have hopes that this could be one of the most accessible, successful, and listenable albums the group has done in a while. None of that is meant to sound patronizing, I think being “listenable” within this genre is actually a truly great quality.

I was looking at the YouTube comments to see what other people think. I think this mm60503642 has a good point but maybe doesn’t get the music?

However, I think I am more inclined to agree with VomitShovel.

Check out the title track “Dear God, I Hate Myself”:

Here’s another very dancey one called “Gray Death”:

And lastly my favorite of the leaked tracks, “Chocolate Makes You Happy.” You know, it’s just a simple song about binging on chocolate and then throwing it all up to try and make yourself feel better:

I still got some mp3 gift cards left over from Christmas that I know I will be using Monday.

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According to Joe My God these are all NYU freshmen? Having ‘been there’ (meaning having been an NYU freshman) I have some advice.

Letter number 1:

Dear unremarkable girl who is obviously the star,

Please get a new look. You have a great voice for autotune. You obviously like to perform. You can go far! You just need to refine your look a little, you’re being way overshadowed by your Asian friend’s obvious hipness. I know i can be hard to out-hip Asians with good haircuts, but you could at least try harder. Also you should talk to your friends in film school and get some lights and greeen screen. The video would be way better if you had b-roll backgrounds that made it look like you were flying over mountains or in a jungle or something.

You also look like you might fit in better in California than New York. That’s not an insult. I am just sayin’.

Sincerely -

A former unremarkable NYU Freshman

Letter number 2:

Dear girl who looks like Ginger Takahashi -

You are probably the best thing about this video. Keep up the good work. Are you in art school? If so your whole look and steez makes me thing of this awesome girl named Ginger Takahashi who is in some fun bands. One of them is called The Ballet but I don’t really know what they are doing anymore? The other is called Men and is with JD Samson of Le Tigre fame and they are playing tomorrow night at the Bell House.  You should go study her, because I am her fan and I want to be your fan too.

Best -

Former wanna be art kid

Letter number 3:

Dear really good looking but self conscious NYU otter cub -

Please learn to get into the dancing more. You are super cute and if you weren’t doing that ‘I am sooo self conscious so I look dead in the eyes’ thing every gay man in the east village and williamsburg would be sweatin you. You would have so many boyfriends. AND DON’T YOU WANT SOOOO MANY BOYFRIENDS????? (that’s rhetorical).

Best -

Former NYU Freshman who wants to have a crush on you

Thanks for uploading to YouTube Menya!!! Now please tell me who Justin Bieber is?

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I should have shown up with a box of chocolates all for myself and then gone to a restaurant and yelled, “Excuse me! Waiter! I’ll be having the ‘Sweetheart’s Special’ for 1 please.”

True story though: I actually saw it with two of my besties and just bought the ticket by myself and we had juice boxes of pinot grigio. So in reality not as funny and actually kinda a normal experience!!!

But let’s talk about the movie.

I don’t want to do a full exegesis or review. I don’t think I can do better than Manohla Dargis’ brilliant take on the movie, describing the film as  a “dire romantic comedy.” And boy is this movie dire!!!

The film is just so full of anachronistic elements, so I am just gonna throw them all out there:

• The Taylor Swift/Taylor Lautner storyline has no real plot arch, but somehow is one of the best parts of the movie?
• Shirley MacLaine’s performance is the only thing that saves her storyline.
• Anne Hathaway/Topher Grace’s plot line is laughable. Anne Hathaway is in no way a convincing phone sex operator and I didn’t think for a second that Topher was actually pissed off or turned off by her chosen profession.
• Julia Roberts is in the movie for 6 minutes and it’s been reported she made 3 million dollars.
• Jessica Biel is WAY too hot (and her character dresses like she knows it) to be a believable dorky outsider.
• Patrick Dempsey juggles lemons to make a really obvious pun on how he’s cheating on his wife with Jennifer Garner.
• The gay “surprise” is pretty weird and involves a mystery man appearing to tickle Eric Dane’s face with flowers.
• A large part of the action takes place at an Indian Restaurant for no real reason.
• Ok, I almost cried at the end of Julia Robert’s plotline, when she shows up at home and hugs her kid.
• Queen Latifah, as always, was flawless. But can she please play a lesbian already?

So, if you liked In Her Shoes and weren’t bothered by the random Jamaican Wedding at the end, you will probably love this movie! That being said, it’s entirely “sit through-able.” I didn’t once feel like it was totally unwatchable. If you decide to watch this, just make sure you have a box of wine nearby.

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I have have been sick with a horrible hacking cough so hence small hiatus from this here personal blog. Be back when I’m back on my game.

But I saw this today and ya’ll just need to know about it. I been watching this ‘like a hawk in the sky, a bird of prey’ aka on repeat.

His music has strong powers. First I was like, “hey look a goofy looking white dude” but by the end of the video I was kinda in <3. Maybe for 2010 I should get married to this guy.

[via w33d]

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Behold, Pacific Northwest Indian art themed briefs:

Maybe my attraction to these is because I grew up in the pacNOdubs (aka PNW aka Pacific Northwest) but I really would love to be able to sport some pacNOdubs steez when some dude is trying to get my pants off. I mean, who doesn’t want people to equate the awful power of Thunderbird with their croth? And seriously, would anyone other than a total art fag wear something like this? I have difficulty believing these were designed for guys stuck on ‘the res’ as a way to express their heritage through fashion.

That being said, my birthday is in a week and I totally totally want the bear ones below. You can buy them on Ginch Gonch’s online store here. Thx in advance!!!

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Well, here’s one and it’s worth a watch. This guy has some emoting to do about being a femme top. PREACH, SISTAH! AND DO IT IN SONG!

Femme tops want ur sex!!!!

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(To me this is important news, but like for those of you that would like to spend your time helping Haiti instead of freaking out over Johnny Weir, you can donate to Doctors Without Borders here)

Remember when he did his routine to Tori Amos’ “Winter”? Well it looks like he’s really gonna be even more amazing next time he skates for the world.

Can we all talk for a second about how great Johnny Weir is? He recently did this amazing interview with ESPN where he basically blew the poor sports reporter Jim Caple’s head wide open.

You can read the full piece for yourself, but I can’t help but pull some seriously choice quotes. This man is a velvet goldmine of beautiful quotables filled with sass, sequins, and graceful sashays.

On his people liking his short program outfit:

That’s for the short program. It’s black and hot pink. And it’s like an oily, black corset with pink cords and this big pink ruffle and then like a black porno leather epaulet that comes out to here and a big pink tassel that comes off of it. People like it.

On developing his long form outfit:

I’m portraying the Fallen Angel, and before, it was this big, white wing coming across my body, and lots of rhinestones and sparkles and way too much. And I had these gorgeous, chalk-colored ribs. I really liked it, but when I saw some pictures and videos of it, it made me look wide because of the white, so I’m changing it. And now my inspiration is sort of — you know when the seagulls get stuck in the oil spills on your side of the world, up in Alaska and whatnot? When those really pretty white feathers get in the oil just on the tips? That’s kind of the inspiration, and we’re building it now, but it’s the very starting stages.

Why a fallen angel, Johnny?

One moment everything will be peachy and everyone will be saying the nicest things about me and loving me, and the next minute I’m the worst, I’m evil, all these things. It’s like a fallen angel. For me, I feel very much that I can portray that character. Because it’s my career and my life.

On dieting:

while trying to cut down from 132½ to 130½ pounds for nationals, he says, he merely “looks” at lunch

On being named a D-list celebrity (even if he is A-list in my book):

Great, I’m Kathy Griffin.

On the cultural relativity of masculine aesthetics (You’re such a smarty pants, <3 u!!!z):

For me, I’m lucky that I’ve traveled so much of the world and seen so many things and for me, masculinity is completely subjective,” Weir says. “Here, a male ballet dancer would get beat up and left on the side of the road. But in Russia, he is No. 1, he is what a man is. That kind of passion and control. In Japan, masculinity is making sure your hair is completely gelled and coiffed and that you’re dressed and decked to the nines. Masculinity is what you make it out to be. Here in the U.S., not everyone feels the same way.

His mother, on the circus like media attention Weir gets:

They had a fit over Weir in track pants, and here is Evan all but naked, jumping around and leaving nothing to the imagination,” she says. “How come you’re fine with this but go off on my son for wearing track pants? Granted, he was wearing heels.

Weir on the kind of glass closet he seems to live in:

I want to be judged by who I am, not what I am. I mean, I am Johnny Weir. Judge me the way you see me, love me the way you see me, hate me the way you see me. All these things make me up, and sexuality and having sex is the least that people should worry about.

My favorite little byte is that they mention that the commercial for his upcoming reality show is one where “he hatches from a giant Fabergé egg”? WHAT?

This show is gonna be amazing.

I know some so called progressive gays are gonna come down on him for “perpetuating stereotypes” or whatever that shit means. Look, part of equal rights is equal rights and respect for even the most flamboyant. So the haters need to shit the fuck up. This man is amazing, funny, and a great addition to what we see in the media. I personally can’t wait until the day comes that he finally feels comfortable calling himself gay publicly. Creating an environment that can be supportive of that is what we need to work on, not tearing him down in all his spandex glory.

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I think the only reason they are not more popular than they are is that they do a genre of music, a type of punk, that isn’t really the most fashionable these days if you look at Pitchfork (i.e. they are not a “collective,” ect). The thing is , they do good old left coast style performative punk REALLY well, even if it might not be the genre of music currently in fashion.  But remember how good punk music was in the 90s? And what do we need more in an economic depression than some good balls to the wall party music that gives a lot of attitude? I would be totally happy to see a resurgence. On top of that they add a certain level of raw sexual energy not always front and center in punk music, just take a quick listen to “Three Hole Circus.”

One thing to know is that their awesome sound just doesn’t translate as well when recorded. A large part of that is the awesome amazon of a woman that is the frontwoman of the band, Allison. She’s the sort of women that will smash your face in and then fuck you with a strap on until you pass out. When you come to bleeding on the floor, instead of feeling violated, you probably will just think about how awesome it all felt and want it again. That’s just the kind of gal she is. Memorable and sexy. Also very tall and intimidating.

It totally helps that she’s backed up by two very attractive men who slowly disrobe their sweaty bodies and flash their cocks on stage the entire performance. Sometimes music should beat you up and give you a boner at the same time. The Ruffian Arms accomplish that and then some.

Here’s some pics from last Saturday. If you’re into this and haven’t seen them, you should really check them out next time they play. When you wake up with a bloody ass the next day you’ll be thanking me.

Disclaimer: I have friends in this band, mainly the drummer. But I wouldn’t endorse them unless I actually thought they were rad. And they are rad. So I am endorsing them. This is the first in what I hope becomes a series of documenting the occasional awesome live shows I see.

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What I learned during that period was that not everyone likes to write for fun! It actually felt like work to some people after they wrote the initial posts they were excited to contribute! So while originally this was meant to be a collective effort, this blog has largely become my personal stomping grounds to write about whatever I feel.

For me, writing a blog is a fun relaxing jaunt down a shady tree lined path in the middle of spring, a great way to relax in the middle of the day. It’s also been a great opportunity to keep myself writing, try different experiment with different voices, and occasionally vent (however negativity isn’t really trending these days so I’ve decided to do less of that business). So while I am sure there will be occasional posts from co-conspirator Eliot here, here’s what you can basically expect from me and this blog in the coming year:

1. I think I need to start doing reviews. Not pop culture reviews that every other blog does. Fuck that shit.There’s enough for-profit blogs run by full time writers with marketting power and real reach that can scoop me for every future Avatar and zeitgeists of its ilk. I’m gonna do my best to keep it alternative and talk about things you may not have heard of. I came across a lot of cool stuff that I never talked about last year for the sake of trying to develop an “entertaining” voice.  I’m gonna do my best to actually bring a little bit of my own cultured taste to this bloggy.
2. I want to bring back the podcast! I actually had someone tell me that they missed those the other day. I miss doing them! It’s just really really hard to get guests to sit down and shoot the shit with me. My goal is to do a minimum of 5 podcasts in the next year, but if I can do more, that would be great! If you’d like to hang out in my living room, drink beers, and talk about life and popular gossip , then get in touch and let’s have a chill sesh.
3. I can’t believe I am saying this, but I think I’m actually gonna start posting “hot guys” here. I was really inspired by the response all the derby girls gave when I was busy drooling over hot girls derby coaches. I think I’m going to try and expand on that thread.

By posting these resolutions/blog goals I am hoping to hold myself to them.

I also want to here from the couple of you that read this and like it. What do you want me to write about? Should I post drafts of fiction that I am working on? Is there something you want to hear about? Should I start doing interviews of gay artists/musicians/writers? Either comment or get in touch with me and let me know!

And for those of you that have been following for a long time now, thanks for sticking with me!

I also saw this on facebook, and since the picture is basically a perfect representation of me, I’m thinking about going for one of those scholarships for dads in 2010. Thanks Obama!

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A long time ago, I blogged about my love for Ryan Trecartin’s work, (especially how it caters itself to the online/YouTube viewing experience). This is work that succeeds in the opposite end of the spectrum. It’s mediative, beautiful, and probably the best way to see it would be as a projection in a small venue with everyone sitting on the floor while the music is played live. The fact that the clips on YouTube still work show well is a testiment to their actual beauty. Maybe a good point of reference would be something like The Cocteau Twins meets Lynch but then produced lo-fi as all fuck? I could probably describe the music as… Guided By Voices meets Chris Garneaux? I dunno. These short pieces have quality a lot like some of David Lynch’s earlier work and an aesthetic akin to the more experimental parts in his popular films (I’d compare them to parts of Inland Empire, but since I really consider that movie more of a return to form… that’s another post entirely).

I know there are “some artists” who think that video art is “bullshit.” These should make them eat their words. Below they are posted in reverse chronological order. Enjoy.

I really hope there’s a lot more of this work to come. As is it’s so good that I can’t wait to see how it develops in the future. If you want to check out Perfume Genius’ music, you can on his MySpace.

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I found these images of the future in the crystal ball us seers call Google. Can’t wait to be textin’ all my BFFs in 2013. Have any of you read Flowers in the Attic? I hear it’s really amazing. I’ll trade you for the Goosebumps I just read. gtg, I just got like, 20 texts.

Happy New Year, ya’ll.

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So while I’ve been absent and with holiday parties/a hang over/shopping/crashing White House dinner parties, the Gap had some crazy ads going on?

Did you all see this? It’s some Gap ad. Jezebel writer and blogger at large Lindsay Robertson wrote it up on Jezebel as being very slightly pedophilic, and got kinda attacked over it. (I don’t have TV so I learn about t through the internet). Anyways, I maybe kinda agree with her, only because of the weird train move at the end? Otherwise it’s a harmless ad, but considering the high pressure world of professional blogging, I don’t blame her for using that spin to post it in any ways. Here’s the original:

And I guess some gay guys saw this and thought it would be super fun to parody. I really WANT to like this, because the idea and execution are great, but I also get super uncomfortable watching a bunch of young gay guys infantalize themselves in the name of corporate fashions:

What do you think? Cute holiday commercial parody or kinda weird scary intersections of unhealthy psychology and consumerism?

I suddenly really really want boots for Christmas. Happy Holidays ya’ll!!!

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I Saw Him at the Gay Marriage Demonstration (A Satire)

It was that special holiday that marked the approach of the coldest months of winter, where family and friends gathered to stuff themselves and fatten up for the frigid times to come. Keith, his partner Dennis, their two kids, Julie and Andrew were joined for dinner this year by their friend Dmitri and the couple next door, Alice and Janet. It was the biggest thanksgiving the couple had planned in years, at least since Dennis’ parents had passed away in summer of 2016. The scent of a tofurkey in the oven and a mushroom leek quiche wafted into the dining room. Janet had brought her brussel sprout, walnut, and wheat berry salad and Alice had brought a selection of grassy sheep’s milk cheeses from the farmers market the group had consumed as an appetizer. Dmitri had brought hearty staples, a vegan sorrel dressing and a dish of mashed yams.

This was their first year ever without desserts. Keith and Dennis had just adopted Andrew at the age of four, a sweet kid despite behavior problems learned from growing up in the foster system. Andrew had been born diabetic and addicted to crack cocaine, rescued by a social worker when his mother abandoned him in a Detroit project. The whole family had adjusted their diet, and while Julie seemed to adjust easily to a reduced sugar, her daddies still had some concerns over whether she’d throw a tantrum when she discovered pumpkin pie had been omitted from this years feast. Still, at age 9 she was remarkably calm and reasonable for her age and her two dads constantly admonished her with praise for her unexpected mature behavior, not to mention her good marks in school.

A timer went off in the kitchen signaling that the tofurkey was thoroughly heated. Andrew ran into the kitchen quickly whipping up some vegan mushroom gravy to accompany their stuffed tofu loaf, the earthy richness of the salty sauce was so good it really made it impossible to miss real turkey. Dennis tapped his fork against his wine glass, the ringing noise signaling to everyone that food was ready. The whole party gathered around the table for dinner, eager for food, wine, and stories.

As the meal was winding down, Keith noticed a sad look on Julie’s face and asked her about it. “Dad, it’s not that I’m sad that we can’t have pie this year. I understand that since Andrew entered our family we need to cut back on sweets,” Andrew giggled a thanks as Julie continued, “I’m just sad that we seem to have lost a tradition that I have become so used to every year.”

Janet quickly chimed in, “I can’t help but feel the same way. I really miss your pumpkin pie, Keith. But isn’t Thanksgiving close to another tradition for you two? Isn’t your anniversary just a week away?”

“Why don’t you tell the story of how you met and became my daddies!” Julie interjected with the squeak, “That story is so sweet, it’s a great substitute for a real dessert, papa. I hope that whoever I fall in love with, whether it’s a man or another woman, that we have just as romantic a story. I love having two daddies.”

“Well, ok, if you’re gonna twist my arm… I guess I’ll share the story,” Dennis began.

“It was the week after Thanksgiving, Tuesday December 2nd, and the New York State legislature had just voted in a 24 to 32 decision against granting couples like your daddy and I the right the marry. I had received 2 texts and noticed that m friends were updating their Facebook status – that’s one of those older social networking sites we had – calling for a rally at 6pm in Times Square. I didn’t know your father at the time but I guess the same thing happened to him because come 6 pm we were standing next to each other, total strangers at the time, carrying a banner on bright yellow paper that read ‘NY Crime Scene.’ I remember looking over and realizing how cute he was.”

“I remember looking over and realizing how lucky I was to be at a protest next to a guy as cute as you too,” Andrew said as he planted a kiss on Dennis’ cheek.

“Well, to continue, my friend, uncle Ben who you might remember from when you were a little girl, was texting me to see where I was. It wasn’t a huge turnout given the last minute nature of the protest, but it was still enough of a crowd where he had difficulty spotting me. I pulled out my iPhone to answer… and that’s when Andrew first talked to me.”

“I said, ‘Hey! We have the same iPhone case and even put the same sticker on it! I can’t believe you also have vintage Lisa Frank stickers. Did you get them at that thrift store downtown, Love Saves The Day? That’s where I got mine’ and the mysterious stranger I’d soon know as Dennis responded, ‘Yes actually. Wow. I always felt kinda unique and alone in the design choices I used to express myself.’ I then quickly introduced myself. I said ‘Hi, my name is Andrew. It’s no nice to meet another guy who really believes in marriage.”

“And I couldn’t believe that I was talking to such a cute fellow who believed in marriage! I mean, I used to tell my friends who wouldn’t go to these rallies, ‘if you don’t believe in marriage then you’re basically just like those gay republicans, living one life while fighting against who you are. You say you’re activists, but I don’t see you standing up for marriage.’ I wanted to make a stand for marriage because I believed in marriage and so I had shown up to the rally alone. And then I met the love of my life there! It’s so funny to me still – two fellows standing for marriage ACTUALLY getting married years later.”

“Well, I guess the rest is history. After the coincidence with the iPhone we discovered that we loved all sorts of the same products! We both liked Kiehl’s face lotions, shopped at Design Within Reach – so I guess it was just inevitable that we would settle down together and have a family. The day that they legalized same sex marriage we marched down the the courthouse and got our marriage certificate. We had the commitment ceremony the year before upstate in Woodstock, but we had been waiting for legal recognition before we started a family. And then 6 months later, we adopted you Julie! We moved here to Tivoli and the rest is history. If we can be thankful for anything on this holiday it would be marriage.”

Andrew gave a yawn.

“Well it looks like this first Thanksgiving has worn out our newest little family member! Time for bed kids!”

Dennis scooped Andrew up in his arms and carried him to his bedroom downstairs. Little Andrew’s eyes were so heavy he fell asleep in Dennis’ arms on the way, making it easy to put him down for the night. The small lady Julie wasn’t so easy though.

“But I don’t wanna go to bed! I want to hear more stories!”

The adult guests exited the kitchen and settled in the den while Keith worked his magic.

“It’s ok Julie. Remember when you wake up Dennis and I will still be here and we can tell you all the stories you want. Look, I’ll even come brush my teeth with you before you go to bed and tuck you in. Ok? Tomorrow we have a big day planned since you and Andrew have school off. We’re going to go apple picking!”

“Ok… have you seen Kumquat? I need him to fall asleep.”

“Yes, I just gave him a good wash and put him back on your bed. Now let’s go brush our teeth like good girls and get to bed!”

15 minutes later Keith and Dennis joined the other adults in the living room.

“Wow, I can’t believe how easy that was! I hope our kids end up being so well behaved,” Janet commented while sipping Amari as an after dinner digestif.

“Are we thinking about having kids? You sure haven’t let me know… I thought we were going to wait until I had time to take maternity so that we could artificially inseminate?”

“Oh, honey, I’m just speculating.”

“I guess after that tall tale Dennis spun at the dinner table it’s easy to get carried away… Come on Keith, tell us the truth, you guys were never quite that wholesome. I remember when you had Chris over for a threesome on your first anniversary.”

“You guys…” Dennis blushed.

“Ok, well, here’s the real story. Dennis had one part right. Our matching iPhone cases, both of us had purple cases with silver glitter. That was what initially sparked the conversation. Then we realized we both were wearing the same pair of Loden Dagger jeans and I think that’s when we both got more interested in each other. Our matching taste in clothes and technology made it obvious to me that we might be a match. I lived not too far away at the time… on 47th and 9th avenue. So I invited Keith over after the march for a drink and joint if he wanted.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, we got to my place and Keith seemed nervous. I was really lucky, my parents were paying for this huge place in hell’s kitchen while I was busy interning at Goldman Sachs. While I was pouring us some Maker’s on the rocks, I pointed out my porn collection, hoping it would get him to relax a bit. I handed him a drink and started to roll a joint. Jesus, I can’t remember for the life of me what we talked about.”

“We were talking about how out of place I felt since I had graduated Columbia. I mean, I had this Ivy league education and it seemed like the only way I could make money was to act as an escort. When we first met, I had a rentboy.com profile… Dennis made me take it down the week after we met so not a lot of people know I used to escort.”

“That’s right! I remember being a little turned off by the topic, but probably wasn’t listening much anyways. You know me!”

“I know honey, you’d always been the sort of guy whose more into the body than the mind,” Keith sighed, “You know, I never told you this but I actually recognized was also on this porn site, suckingstraightguys4cash.com. They had paired me with some hunky red head in a kilt. God, I even remember the plot. He was supposed to be some sort of rugby player that I had picked him up while my “theater troupe” was performing at Edinbugh. His girlfriend was out and he had been trolling the city for a sissy boy to use for the night.But really. I had an Ivy League education and I couldn’t get hired for shit. My name on the site was Colby. It made me seem so midwestern. I’m surprised you never ran across that.”

“You’re lucky I didn’t find that the first year we went out, I might have been scared off. I’m really particular about my porn. I don’t really go for that fetishizing-straight-people-thing.”

“Good thing you’re not particular about what goes up your butt. I remember our honeymoon.”

“A little poppers helps a lot, baby.”

Janet, attempting to push the story forward, interrupted the couple’s exchange, “Ew, stop it. I’ve heard all about the size of what you have in your toy chest and don’t need to know any more. So what happened next?”

“Well, we fucked. It was great. Probably the best sex I’ve ever had”

“Me too,” Dennis agreed, “Why do you think I texted you first thing the next day?”

They heard a loud sniff come from Dmitri sitting in the corner sofa chair. “Anyone want a bump?” he casually remarked, holding out a key with some white powder on the tip and a small baggy.

“Don’t mind if I do! I was going to ask for coffee, but this will do,” answered Alice carefully taking the key from Dmitri, taking a sniff, and then passing the baggy and key to Dennis sitting on the sofa to her left.

The party continued for the next 3 hours until around 2 am. Alice and Janet decided to take a stroll before going to bed next door and Keith showed Dmitri to the door.

“You sure you ok to drive? I know you’ve been having a hard time recently and just want to check that you didn’t party too hard. Did you sign up for eHarmony like I suggested? You know they are known for pairing the most marriages.”

“Look, no offense, but if I even wanted to get married I wouldn’t be into using that electronic yenta.”

“I’m sorry. I’m out of line I guess, but my marriage has just made me so happy and it’s so nice to have guy to share my stock profits with. I just want the same thing for you, you know, happiness.”

“Yes, man, thanks for having me over. It was really great, not trying to be pissy with you. It was almost like old times. Almost… if it was old times I’d be sleeping over.”

“Oh shush your mouth. I don’t want Dennis to hear. You’ll put ideas in his head and we have little ones sleeping downstairs these days.”

“I know, I know. I’m out. Have a good night, guys.”

“You too. Safe ride home. Text us when you get in, we want to know that you didn’t end up in a ditch.”

“Will do. Love you.”

Keith turned around too see Dennis staring at him with a devilish grin. He knew exactly what that look meant and was getting hard just thinking about it.

“I can’t wait to go shopping tomorrow, honey.”

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So spin it round, hear it clickin’
On my rotary phone
Dial up grandma
Ring her on my rotary phone
You gotta speak up
Yell into my rotary phone
On my rotary, rotary
Hear me spin and click on my rotary phone

So being too lazy to actually make this in an expediant fashion, I shouted “More Lady Gaga parodies plz” into the abyss sometime last week after too much turkey, creamed pearl onions, mashed potatoes, and red wine. It seems like someone answered.

Well it looks like these bearded designer gays beat me to the punch of creating a soon to be wildly popular lady gaga parody video. If they weren’t so damn attractive I might actually be bothered by the fact that they totally pronounce Neutra incorrectly.

Hey you beautiful men, FYI, it’s pronounced “Noi-truh.”

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At least in New York, short denim shorts were all the rage last summer.  Hipster homos from Williamsburg to …Williamsburg were showing loads of deliciously pasty thigh, including myself (and much to my chagrin).

Awesome L.A.-based comic James Adomian, however, asks:  what if Brett Favre and the boys threw around the pigskin wearing the same stuff as the ladies in the Nair commercials (oh, and every dude sipping a PBR at Metro between May and September).

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Want to read some reviews? I was really impressed by Armond White’s review for the New York Press heavily crticizing the identity politics at play in the story. But for a white gay male review, which I figure is more applicable to the readership here, I’d suggest Rich’s review on his blog FourFour (which actually tries to serve as a response to some of White’s criticisms).

My opinion is pretty simple and I’m not going to spend a lot of time explaining or defending it. I liked Precious. However, I think that the hype is more due to sensational subject matter rather than the actual film making. I thought Mo’Nique’s scenes were fairly manipulative storytelling and maybe would make more sense in a short format rather than a feature length film. My favorite parts were actually the classroom scenes, which abandoned the stylized, grease smeared, low lit scenes of abuse in Precious’ apartment for a more improvised, almost cinema verité style and tone. The way I see the movie, Lee Daniels used so many different styles of storytelling in this movie that there are basically 4 different movies smushed together in one. I think it’s effective, since different people will probably relate to these very different moments, causing the emotional impact to effect a wider audience. But it’s not something I would label as anything more than mediocre film making.

What I’m interested in, which no one seems to have pointed out, are a couple moments where, when one considers the star power/personas associated with the film, real life and the story being told seemed to clash for a moment in the way that we as an audience might react.

The first one  was a scene when Precious and the alterna-schooled kids actually start talking about people watching Oprah. I can’t help but question whether or not this qualifies as a shameless shill. Yes, in 1987 Oprah was a common cultural touchstone for people to relate with. But since she’s attached as an executive producer, is this a secret sell of her brand/identity/show? All I remember is that the dialogue about Oprah went on for what seemed like a really long time.

The second, and by far the more important moment, is when Precious is at the welfare office and askes Mariah Carey ( playing her social worker) “What are you?” And then Mariah doesn’t tell her. Because it’s a secret. Forever I just thought Mariah Carey was a white girl, but then, when one considers all these different racial minority groups that seem to relate to her, I just don’t know anymore. And maybe, just maybe, I came out of the film thinking the real point of Precious was to get me to question Mariah Carey’s racial identity. Not that I’d ever think something so shallow and flippant after watching a movie that tackles heavier issues.

What are you Mariah?!!1!!

Are you Mexican, Mariah?

Are you Black, Mariah?

Are you Italian Mariah?

Are you Irish, Mariah?

Are you Alien, Mariah?

WHAT ARE YOU MARIAH?!?!?!

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