My younger sister, in her late 30’s had a serious brain injury a number of years ago.  This has left her with some cognitive problems, and it causes a fair amount of family discord and frustration.  My sister has a seizure disorder and lives with my mom, with a part-time supported job, so she is far from independent.  This causes great frustration for her and for my mother, who essentiallty has a kid on her hands who never is, or will, grow up and be able to be independent.

This leads to many arguments between my sister and my mom, particularly at night.  My kids are overhearing this, and are gleaning some things about my family I’ve glossed over in the past.  Like when my mom says something mean to my sister, and my ten year old asks me if they always fight, and why is Grandma so cruel?  I don’t want my kids to be learning these lessons about my family, yet I can’t defend her actions either.

Do you have any tips or advice for dealing with family conflict on vacation?  How do you explain negative family dynamics to your kids?  How do you insulate them from this conflict?  (ie. the ten year old commenting a few moments ago- "Oh good, you found them…now Grandma won’t go ballistic….")  I hate the fact that they are seeing this side of my family, but other than not going on family vacations, how do we make this situation better?

I want my kids to feel comfortable with my family but I also don’t want them to become victims of the dysfunction either.  And the pleasant excuses about frustration are wearing a bit thin.

by Whitney Hoffman

That was what the band was singing at a conference Hope attended last month.  She loved the image. Which meant that she was very frustrated when others in her group started joking about the words.

“What does that mean anyway? The song’s about love and relationships, not armies.  That’s just silly.”

The joking lasted for three days. Because the song was used in most of the group times, there were many opportunities for the laughing and eye-rolling that go along with teens in groups. And Hope was continuing to be annoyed with her friends.

The situation was complicated by the fact that Hope has only been part of this group for six months. How far can you push back? How are these situations handled in this particular group culture? What can you do?

Near the end of the third day, sitting at a table, the conversation turned to the song again, and the joking resumed. Finally, Hope ran out of patience and reticence at the same moment. She slammed her fist down on the table and said, “Don’t you get it? It’s a metaphor!”

In the silence, she got a high five…and a bit of understanding. The next morning, for some reason, the band decided to explain the song. And finally people began to understand it. (And they understood Hope better, too.)

I understand her feeling. I live in metaphor. I live in word pictures, in images, in stories that try to translate abstractions into concreteness so that we can understand the abstraction. And I understand completely the feeling of frustration that comes when I say, “It’s like…” and someone says, “It’s nothing like that.” (And I understand completely why Hope might have a strong sense of metaphor).

It’s now a song that several kids like…and understand.

Sometimes, apparently, a kid with discernment has to risk what feels like a bomb to build bridges of understanding… and relationship.

by Jon Swanson

Photo graciously provided by the author, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

I don’t really think that I needed to worry.  I was leaving the three kids in the capable hands of my parents.  I knew the older two would be fine.  But, what if Jack Jack woke up during the night?  Would he panic, looking for me?  Or how about in the morning, when he usually climbs into our bed and snuggles with us for a while before hopping up to begin his day, what would he do then?

I tried not to think about it and vowed to only call once, in the morning, at a time when Jack Jack is usually a happy camper anyway.  When I called, things were fine, as I knew they would be.  And they were fine the next night too.  My mom said that Jack Jack just had a minute or two each morning that he was upset and wanted his mom and dad, but he was easily redirected.  So, I was relieved and I was able to relax.

Relaxation is hard to come by these days.  So, when the Mr. and I planned this little get away, we planned on it being as relaxing as possible.  Our plans were to lay by the pool and read and maybe have a drink or two brought to our pool chairs.  We planned to lay at the beach and read.  We planned to dip our toes in the surf.  We planned to watch what we wanted on the TV and sleep in comfortable beds.  We planned to order room service breakfast and not leave our room until we were good and ready.   We accomplished all of these things.  It was wonderful.

We also enjoyed the things that we did not do.  We did not have to build sand castles to keep our kids occupied.  We did not have to turn our heads and nod everytime a kid said “Mom!  Watch Me!”  We did not have to break up squabbles among siblings.  We did not have to choose resturants based on the kids’ menus.  We did not have to worry about how late we stayed up because there was no one to wake us up at the crack of dawn.  We enjoyed not doing these things.  It was wonderful.

And yet, we did miss our kids.  We watched families playing in the pool and at the beach and talked about what our kids would have liked about this resort.  We wondered how my parents were keeping up with the three kids.  We talked about how our day at Disneyland with the kids had gone.  But, even though we did miss them, it was a much needed break.  It was a well deserved break too, since we were celebrating a 10th anniversury that is coming up soon.

As much as we love our kids, we, and all parents, need that time away, as a couple, to make sure that we don’t lose touch with the most important part of our family, the foundation.  Sometimes that time is just an evening.  Sometimes it is a few days, or even a week.  We had not had a week since our Honeymoon and the last time we got away for a couple days was when I was pregnant with Jack Jack, over three years ago.  But, times like these are important to our relationships, to our families and even to our kids.  How do you and your spouse find the time to maintain your relationship?

by In The Fast Lane

Photo graciously provided by sandcastlematt, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

Disclaimer: I am a mostly stay at home mom and these suggestions come from that vantage point. So, apply this to your weekend, tweak, add, share your own ideas for how you fit reading into your family’s summer schedule.

Here’s what we’ve found helpful:

1. Lots of libraries offer different summer programs to engage kids in reading, and they can be great. They have different programs for different aged kids and they often help classmates connect and allow for socialization while participating in the reading program. Some libraries are better at this than others, but it’s an excellent resource for folks who respond well to structure.

2. Aside from the programs, visiting the library on a quiet or rainy day can also be inspiring. Often during the school year my library trips are squeezed in before or after bus pick up or on our way to another errand. In the summer, it’s great to simply make the library your destination.

3. TD Banknorth offers a summer reading program which combines encouragement to read with encouragement to save money. They are offering any child under 18 who reads 10 books this summer $10 to be deposited into their bank account. Are other banks doing this, too?

4. Comic books are not evil. My 8 year old fell in love with comics after a friend of ours passed down the DC Encyclopedia to him. He’s never looked back and I can’t begin to guess how many hours he’s invested in that book, as well as the Marvel version that he later acquired, as well as creating his own series of comics.

I don’t buy books. Or, I rarely buy books, because I am an avid library patron. However, the other day my son asked if we could go Borders to buy a new book. He’s been saving his money and really wanted the next in the comic book series he’s been reading. We counted up the money and the 3 kids and I headed to the book store.

It’s my opinion that reading comic books and reading novels require different skill sets. Both are valuable- valued- in our house. Both feed my son’s hunger for creativity. So he bought 1 comic book and 1 novel. That was Sunday, and by Monday night he’d read them both.

Back to the list:

5. My kids love to host ice cream parties and invite the whole neighborhood over to partake in the gluttonous feast. Everyone brings a different topping and the parents socialize while the kids (ranging in age from 1 to high school) play pick up games of soccer and duck duck goose. The goal we’ve set is to finish our summer reading (I admit to pulling arbitrary numbers of my ear for this one), so that we can host a huge enormous ice cream social before school starts.

6. Reinvent the routine. If your usual reading time is at bedtime but you find that your longer summer days make it difficult to complete evening reading before implosions or meltdowns occur, switch it up. Institute a quiet time before or after lunch or dinner where everyone curls up with a book.

7. If you’re going on vacation, do some family research and prepare for the trip, even if its a vacation you’ve taken 100 times before. This is great for older kids and can draw together lots of skills including reading. My sister and her kids just joined us on the east coast (from San Francisco) for 3 weeks. They spent time in 3 different states and covered umpteen hundred miles on their trip. Geography, math, reading, social studies, science, etc, etc, etc.

Younger kids will also enjoy reading a cluster of picture books about your destination. For example if you’re headed to the coast check out some books about the ocean. If you are heading to Maine (call me!) and check out some books about the state.

8. Set an example. Read, talk about reading, set your own goals for summer reading and then meet them.

9. Involve siblings. Have older children read to or make book recordings for younger siblings, cousins or friends. This also makes a GREAT birthday gift for young kids, and provides the older children with opportunities to inspire beginning readers.

10. Read and listen to other people who are passionate about reading:

Just One More Book Podcast
Swimming in Literary Soup Podcast
Planet Book Club
Kids Reading Circle
Planet Esme

What works for you?

by Megin Hatch

Photo graciously provided by Lori Greig, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved.

I’ve had a few moments like this with my son. Thankfully, none of them have been particularly bad or shocking, but still. When it happens, I have one of those moments where I’m filled with wonder at his ability to pick even the most subtle things up, and humiliation over how undeniably remiss a parent I am at times.

When Max was about a year-and-a-half, it took me a full two weeks to realize that every time the Simpsons came on TV (which was twice a day), he would shriek out "D’OH!!!" Once I was done both cracking up and marveling at how he connected the theme song to Homer’s catchphrase, I felt awful. That my son at one-and-a-half recognized the Simpsons was a sign that my TV was on entirely too much. And yet, it took me a few more weeks to shut the TV off because I love the Simpsons and had grown used to decompressing after a long workday by watching that show.

As it is, the TV-being-on-after-daycare-slash-work is still a challenge for me. But at the time this happened, I shut the TV off and brooded over the whole thing for a while. I was properly chastised, even if it didn’t last.

This topic and the Simpsons example came to mind a few days ago when I was driving home with my son. At the intersection leading into our neighborhood, I stopped, waiting for my turn to make a left. As we paused there, another car blew right by us and cut another off. That car blasted its horn, and my son piped up from the back seat, "G*D DAMN IT!!" And with that, my road rage was reared its ugly, shameful head at me.

I’ve been fully aware of how driving the streets of Miami brings out the monster in me. People here are so reckless and rude and full of self-importance that driving is an absolute nightmare. All the things you’ve read are true. So I’ve been working my the cursing and honking I do (seemingly nonstop) for quite a while now. And while I’m not as bad as I’ve been in the past, I obviously still have some ways to go, if that is how my son reacts when he hears a car horn blaring.

The car incident has been on my mind since the day it happened. While it was in many ways really funny, I’m haunted by the deeper meaning, and struggling with how to fix it. The obvious answer is, of course, to stop cursing around him and to chill out when I drive, which I really am working on. But there is something more here; it’s not just about this incident. He will continue to observe me, to mimic me, to show me with painful clarity all the ways in which I fail.

And I can take it, you know. This isn’t about whether or not I can take it or change my behavior; it’s about how my son is absorbing these things, and whether or not I will be able to stop them from harming him in any way. What if he takes on my bad traits and they are uglier in him? Or what if he resents me for being just like me?

There are no easy answers here. My own awareness helps, I think, but this seems to be one of those fears that in many ways is out of my control. And that is the hardest part for me!

by Tere

Photo graciously provided by Professor Bop, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

And football. It sounds so, I don’t know, official. Big men play football. Not my little boys.

Right?

No, I guess not. The weird thing is that I am looking forward to part of it. The part where they pursue a goal, overcome obstacles, and work with other boys as a team. That part I like. The part where they might be injured? Not so much my favorite.

I don’t have issues with kids playing sports. In fact, I encourage it. I was just plain awful at sports in school and my self-confidence suffered every time I was the last kid chosen for teams. I want the boys to have some basic skills, to be able to keep up and play competently with kids their age at whatever sport they choose. I also like how kids have so many opportunities to try out different sports at a young age; it’s good for them to sample and have a wide variety of experience.

At the same time, I’m concerned that they’re already approaching an age where the competition gets so serious that if they’re not downright gifted in a sport they won’t be able to make the team. Kids are able to play soccer as young as 5 years old (full disclosure: MY five year olds played soccer this year). By the age of 10 or 12, a child who’s chosen to play the same sport has a tremendous amount of experience under his/her belt.

What do you think? Are sports for really young children a good idea? Are we broadening horizons or adding stress to their little lives? Do sports build their confidence and competence, or push them along toward adulthood too soon?

by AmyL

Photo graciously provided by Kathy~, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

I’m sure there’s a middle ground somewhere, and I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to keep my parenting journey somewhere near the middle, but some things are harder than other. Her clothes, her hair, her friends, her television shows - no problem - I’m happy to leave her to her business, to smile and nod, to be supportive. But sometimes events occur or choices are made that give me this tremendous desire to teach a lesson - It’s like a maddening itch.

Now, I’m sure that a lot of the parents who are reading this understand and appreciate the desire to teach a lesson to their kids, to discuss the merits of a choice in order to improve their knowledge-base. There’s a lot of merit there.

But some parents tell me that I spend too much time in that area, as though the whole world is a classroom and that school is in session 365.256 days a year (approximately, given the particular year and method of measurement - see what I mean?). To those parents, I say this: I get it. It must be a real pain in the ass to live with my pedantry, with my insistence that knowledge is everything, that filling your brain to capacity is a moral imperative.

So that’s why I’m writing this, to ask you, good reader, to talk to me about this. Where is the balance? Is there a balance necessary? If so, should it be 50/50? 60/40?

by Stu Mark

Photo graciously provided by gilest, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

There has been one little drawback. My feet. Due to my running and swimming (and I’m sure the biking contributes) my feet just feel plain gross. The skin gets all thick and dry on the bottoms of my feet, and my toenails have a slightly yellow tinge from the chlorine. Fortunately, unlike when I swam in high school and college, I seem to have avoided plantar warts. That means foot warts, people! Anyhow, on top of all that, sometimes my feet are just sore. My primary care physician has me ice them and take Advil, which seems to take care of the soreness.

Because of all of this, when a friend invited a bunch of us out for pedicures, I happily accepted the invitation. I also happen to really enjoy getting pedicures. The pedicurist did an amazing job buffing and filing the bottoms of my feet and toenails. Then she applied some interesting green mask that reminded me of something out of a swamp followed by lots of lotion. The end result was that my feet were fabulously soft. In fact they were so soft that I fell down the stairs in our home later that day when I was walking barefoot. I just slid right off the top stair, much to my older son’s combined horror and delight; we had talked about calling 911 if a variety of emergencies occurred, and someone falling down the stairs had been one of my examples. Fortunately we talked him out of making the call.

Today I went with my moms group for another pedicure. Once again my feet have been magically transformed… for a couple of weeks anyway. I was extra careful this evening when on the stairs. Now if I can just remember that tomorrow morning when I come downstairs…

by Alex Elliot

Photo graciously provided by fauxto_digit, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

If Miss A decides she wants to wear a dress, Miss K will want to wear a dress too. If I put my hair in a ponytail, Miss K decides she wants her hair in a ponytail too. If Miss A asks for “blue” ice cream (which is blueberry sherbet), Miss K, who previously wanted chocolate ice cream, decides she now wants blue too.

It is on a rare occasion when Miss K does something as an individual. However, today I was very proud when she decided she wanted pink nail polish on one foot and purple on the other when Miss A was opting for pink and orange.

I must admit that I’m a little concerned already (yes, I’m a huge worry-wort) about peer pressure. What will Miss K be like when her friends decide they want to try smoking, drinking, or sneaking out of the house (thank goodness for the chime on the home alarm system!)? Will she give in? I sure hope not, but my heart says probably. I’m hoping she’ll grow out of the desire to be like everyone else and become a leader in her own right.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that my twins have a bond I will never be able to fully comprehend and that there will be times when they want to be like each other or do the same things. I recognize, too, that they are still very young and I have time to help them develop into little leaders. It is my responsibility, after all. I hope someday soon, Copy Cat will be the name of one of our pets and not a state of mind.

by Kelly Damron

Photo graciously provided by //Rutger, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

As his mom, I see this alternately from two different perspectives.  One is that each of us has to learn to deal with disappointment, and has to learn to solve our own problems, or ask for help in doing so.  When he’s non-communicative, I simply can’t know what is going on with him, which also means I can’t help, either.  The other is the more compassionate, nuturing and soft side, which wnts to make it all better for him, gofix his problems for him, and protect him from these "hurty feelings" he is having.

This is that point in young adulthood when everything seems to hurt or go wrong.  When nothing seems bright or fun or interesting.  It’s like suffering from terminal boredom, with no real hope for parole any time soon.  It pains me to watch him go through this, and I so badly want to, and try to  guide him as I can.  But part of me is constantly exasperated by the Eeyore-like moods and inability to see a way out for himself.  I want him to become more of a master of his own destiny, rather than bouncing along the waves of life, up and down, with no seeming direction and purpose, good or bad.  And I want to be able to keep my reactions to his snippy answers and eye-rolling under reasonable control as well, because that alone has me getting ready to tear my hair out.

And I know this is something he has to learn for himself, in large part.  Yet it is very painful to watch from the sidelines.  I see myself in his eyes at that age, and just wish that the journey is not too painful, and leaves him with plenty of home and joy on the other side.

How many of you have teenagers?  Is this angst and moodiness normal?  When does it go away, if ever?  What have you done to make this transition to adulthood easier for you kids?  What advice can you give me?  Any help or advice would be awesome, as I live through the Summer of Eeyore.

by Whitney Hoffman

Photo graciously provided by Storm Crypt, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved