Also, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal had a great one this week. Zach is on a roll with his recent great video and this great comic involving a priest getting humiliated in front of his congregation.

What better way to celebrate an entire year than with 12 hand-picked Jewish guys, each with stunningly stereotypical features.

“These are the guys you can take home to mom.”
Denise Rabinowitz
New York, NY

“Finally a real guy on a calendar who I can actually marry… AND THEY’RE NICE!”
Monica Stillman
Chicago, Ill

Even the supposed testimonials are ridiculous. I’m surprised Gilda Himmelstein didn’t chime in with some feedback.

If you find yourself wanting to look at oversized noses and greasy, curly hair for the next 12 months, drop by NiceJewishGuys.net and slap $12.95 on the barrelhead. I’d say, “You’ll be glad you did,” but I hardly think that would be the case.

My favorite part is Jesus’ cameo at the very end.

These are not the same things that Kirk Cameron is worried about. See the transcript and my responses to Kirk (in blue) after the jump.

Are you concerned about what’s happening to our country? One by one, we’re being stripped of our God-given liberties. (In case you didn’t know, these “God-given” liberties mostly center around being able to indoctrinate others on the government dime.) Our kids can no longer pray in public (they certainly can), they can no longer freely open a Bible in school (they certainly can), the Ten Commandments are no longer allowed to be displayed in public places (no, but you can have a 25 foot tall monument of them in your front yard if you’d like), and the Gideons are not even allowed to give away Bibles in (public) schools.

Did you know that a recent study revealed that in the top 50 universities in our country, in the fields of psychology and biology, sixty-one percent of the professors describe themselves as atheists or agnostics? That’s sixty-one percent! (The correlation between non-belief and obtaining an advanced degree has been illustrated numerous times. Putting aside nonsense like faith is a cornerstone to true education.) No wonder atheism has doubled in the last twenty years among nineteen- to twenty-five-year-olds. (I’m sure you think it’s because you think every college student looks up to their hip professors and wants to emulate their cool ways.) An entire generation is being brainwashed (be careful how you use that word, Kirk) by atheistic evolution without even hearing the alternative! (And how, pray tell, do you know that the alternative isn’t being heard? Maybe it’s being heard, but being interpreted for what it is — a load of bollocks.) And it’s radically changing the culture of our nation.

There’s only one way to change the heart of a nation—and that is to change the sinful heart of the individual, and that’s through the power of the Gospel. (Or you could remove the shroud of ignorance from society by engaging in an open and meaningful debate without reference to the mystical and supernatural. Just a thought.) Only God (or non-theistic mutual respect for mankind) can take the sinful heart of a man or a woman and cause them to love that which is right and just and good.

Now listen to this: On November 21st, 2009, the world will celebrate the one-hundred-and-fiftieth year since the publication of Charles Darwin’s book, (On the) Origin of Species. Now when my friend Ray Comfort (hasn’t he shamed himself enough with the banana nonsense to just stay in a cave the rest of his miserable, uneducated life?) heard about this, and that the book was public domain, he actually wrote a fifty-page introduction for the book which gives the history of evolution, a timeline of Darwin’s life, Adolph Hitler’s undeniable connection with the theory, Darwin’s racism, his disdain for women, and Darwin’s thoughts on the existence of God, and put them in the book. (…Uhhh… no words.)

It also lists the theory’s many hoaxes; it exposes the unscientific belief that nothing created everything; it points to the incredible structure of DNA, and the absence of any species-to-species transitional forms actually found in the fossil record. It then presents a balanced view of creationism (I very much doubt that it will be balanced, given that Hitler, racism, and misogyny were all referenced in the previous paragraph.), with information from scientists who actually believe that God created the universe!—such as Albert Einstein (nope), Isaac Newton (nope), Copernicus (nope), Bacon (nope), Faraday (nope), Louis Pasteur (nope), and Johannes Kepler (nope). And most importantly, this introduction presents a very clear Gospel message. (That’s balanced, right?)

On Thursday, November 19th, just a few days before the hundred-and-fiftieth anniversary of the book, fifty thousand copies of this special publication will be freely given out at those Top 50 universities. Now think of it: In one day, the Gospel, and a clear presentation of intelligent design, will be placed in the hands of fifty thousand of our future doctors, lawyers, and politicians. (I’m thinking of it — and it scares the living shit out of me.)

And we’re working with Campus Crusade for Christ, Answers in Genesis, and the Alliance Defense Fund to get copies of Darwin’s Origin of Species into the hands of this generation. And all we want to do is present the opposing and (in)correct view, rather than being censored—which is exactly the case at present. (That’s actually not the case, but go on. You’re the oppressed victim here.) These students aren’t stupid (actually many of them are–Campus Crusade for Christ, et. al.)—they should be given both sides of the argument and allowed to make up their own mind, right? We think that’s healthy. (You know what isn’t healthy? Destroying a scientific breakthrough piece of literature with your hate-mongering message. How would you like it if I stood outside your church and handed out The Holy Bible with a 50-page introduction on all of the half-truths, doublespeak, racism, disdain toward women, etc. that exists in that piece of garbage? You’d be crying in your bowl of Christ Chex if you read news of that in the morning paper.)

This is a beautiful, three-hundred-and-four-page, full-color cover edition of Darwin’s famous Origin of Species book, that will be given away free, on the hundred-and-fiftieth anniversary of the book! So who isn’t gonna take it and say, “Thank you very much”? (Me. I’ll take it and smile as I tear out each page of the blasphemous introduction and deposit it in the neareast rubbish bin.)

There’s nothing to fear (except a washed-up child actor and a creepy creationist pseudo-scientist)! Ray Comfort and I are going to a local university to give away a thousand free copies ourselves on November 19th. And we’re very excited to do this. Listen, for instance, to UC Berkeley’s policy right here in California: Their own website says anyone is free to distribute non-commercial materials in any outdoor area of the campus. Besides, what are they really gonna do? Ban the (modified and inaccurate version of) Origin of Species?! That’d be big news—especially when their own bookstore sells it (the original form as Charles Darwin published it) for $29.99.

So get a hold of a hundred, or five hundred, or a thousand copies, for yourself or for your church, and go to your university (or local recycling center). We’ll give you a free poster and a clear and a simple strategy: Go there as a team and get the Gospel into the hands of this generation, the hands of future doctors, lawyers, and politicians. Remember: This is America. It’s still the Land of the Free, the Home of the Brave. And this is a life and death issue. (No. It’s a life AFTER death issue.)

Ray Comfort: We’ve had a number of requests from people asking if we could expand our giveaway from fifty to a hundred universities. We want to be able to do that, but we need to act quickly. Have more books printed. To date, we know of a hundred and thirty yard sales that are being held across the country to raise money to try to make this happen. (If the sale of secondhand goods is what this fundraising effort has been reduced to, maybe we don’t have so much to worry about.) One millionaire has said he’ll match the biggest donation given to the project. (How selfish. Why not just donate his fortune to this movement if the spread of the gospel means so much to him?) Those who would like to help us reach that goal can get details on living waters dot com. Please be in prayer for us. Thank you for listening.

Special thanks to Melissa McEwan at Shakesville for the transcript (which I mercilessly ganked). I started to transcribe this myself, but quickly became nauseated.

The most recent incident of religious boneheadedness concerns the extension of discounts to insurance policyholders who were churchgoers. Offering a discount based on religion is in violation of the Fair Housing Act, a federal statute that “protects” buyers and renters by maintaining their right to discriminate.

I hope I don’t lose anyone here, but hear me out. While I am not at all a Libertarian, the following part may make some of my Libertarian friends moist in their nether regions.

While it is generally a good thing to keep religion out of things like buying a home, there are certain places where the marketplace could course-correct and eliminate the need for Federal intervention. If I were to own an insurance company, of course I would gladly take the money of anyone that walked through my door, regardless of their religious beliefs. As an atheist, it would absolutely make my day to meet a fellow non-believer, and if I wanted to tip them a discount, I should be able to. After all, I would be doing no harm except to my bottom line. Hell, if I was in a progressive enough area, I might be so bold as to offer a discount on auto insurance to customers who show me their Darwin fish emblem. But none of these things are legal thanks to the Fair Housing Act.

What makes this a particularly sticky situation is that our current system is not sufficiently competitive to allow for consumers to have access to alternatives to such religious buffoonery, as was the case in Kentucky. There are many laws (particularly state and local laws) which prevent some properties from being insured by out-of-state insurance policies. This could be super sucky for someone living in Kentucky who may have no other choice but to purchase homeowner’s insurance from a fundy.

However, it would be nice if some brave soul opened the Atheist Insurance Agency and his or her loyal customers from all 50 states could enjoy discounts, great service, and truly be in “good hands”.

Ten brave Kentucky residents and the American Atheists sued the state and WON! In their case, they successfully argued the following:

“It is clear that the purpose underlying the display of the plaque and the contents of Office of Homeland Security training materials is not to celebrate the historical reasons for our great nation’s survival in the face of terror and war. Its purpose is to declare publicly that the official position of the Commonwealth of Kentucky is that an Almighty God exists and that the function of that God is to protect us from our enemies. Consequently, a reading of the statute’s plain language makes that clear. Effectively, the General Assembly has created an official government position on God.”

Judge Thomas Wingate delivered an 18-page decision in favor of reason stating:

“The statute pronounces very plainly that current citizens of the Commonwealth cannot be safe, neither now, nor in the future, without the aid of Almighty God. Even assuming that most of this nation’s citizens have historically depended upon God, by choice, for their protection, this does not give the General Assembly the right to force citizens to do so now.””This is the very reason the Establishment Clause was created: to protect the minority from the oppression of the majority,” he wrote. “The commonwealth’s history does not exclude God from the statutes, but it had never permitted the General Assembly to demand that its citizens depend on Almighty God.”

I have to admit: I didn’t think Kentucky was going to do the right thing on this one. A tip of my hat to Judge Wingate for proving me wrong.

• 1 Kings 20:30 : God makes a wall fall on and kill 27 000 of an army retreating from some Israelites.
• 2 Kings 2:23-24 : 42 children are killed for calling a prophet “baldy”, by two she-bears.
• Judges 20:35 : The Lord smote the armies of Benjamin resulting in the death of 25,100 solders.
• 2 Samuel 6:6-11 : God kills someone for accidentally touching the Ark of the Covenant.
• Genesis 6:17 : “Behold, I, even I am bringing the flood of water upon the earth, to destroy all flesh in which is the breath of life, from under heaven; everything that is on the earth shall perish”
• Genesis 19:24-25 : “Then the LORD rained on Sodom and Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven, and He overthrew those cities, and all the valley, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground.”
• Exodus 12:29-30 : “Now it came about at midnight that the LORD struck all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh who sat on his throne to the firstborn of the captive who was in the dungeon, and all the firstborn of cattle. Pharaoh arose in the night, he and all his servants and all the Egyptians, and there was a great cry in Egypt, for there was no home where there was not someone dead.”
• Numbers 14:12 : Because of Israel’s unbelief and refusal to enter into the promised land, God said, “I will smite them with the pestilence.” Numbers 14:36-37 And the men whom Moses sent to spy out the land, who returned and made all the congregation grumble against him by bringing up a bad report about the land–the men who brought up a bad report of the land–died by plague before the LORD.
• 2 Kings 17:25 : God sent lions that attacked and killed men who refused to fear God.
• 2 Kings 19:34-35 : 185,000 Assyrians were killed in one night by an angel of the Lord.

If you know of any more instances of murder, genocide, or crass cruelty, post them in the comments and I’ll add them to the list.

The first part is a little slow, and while I agree that the media often portrays things contrary to how they exist in reality, to state that the people on the edges deserve no voice is tyrannical. Of course, if you watch Fox News or CNN on a regular basis, you probably aren’t concerned with too many viewpoints other than those within your comfort bubble anyway.

It’s only mentioned briefly in the video, but Glenn is so upset because of media attention that surrounded the use of the word “God” in the presidential oath of office. Old news, I know, but the principle is still important. He goes on to say that “89% of us believe in God” and “89% want the phrase ‘under God’ to stay in the Pledge [of Allegiance].” Unless two polls just happened to produce identical results, I think Glenn is making an incorrect inference. I know of several theists personally who dispute “under God”’s presence in the Pledge of Allegiance, as it was added as an afterthought and does nothing to truly unify the people of this nation. Of course, what Glenn is really saying is that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the 11% of Americans who don’t believe in his definition of god.

Just another example of the elitist, blowhard babble to come from a talking head that claims to respect the voice of the unheard, except he takes the easy route by redefining the group of people that he think ought to be heard more.

I’m sure everyone has seen an e-Harmony television commercial or any of the millions of banner ads online for everything from match.com, gaysingles.com, peoplewholoveparcheesi.com, and every other crowd you can think of. The point it — it’s prolific. The one niche that I’ve noticed in greater numbers recently, is Christian dating sites. I don’t know if this is because there are more of them or because I am just noticing them more.

I really have two thoughts on them. 1) Good for them. The internet has really opened the world up for people to connect with others that they otherwise never may have met in their lives. 2) Are you effing kidding me? Christians exist in such massive numbers in this country, it surely can’t be hard to meet others. I live in a college town in Alabama, where the cup runneth over with Christians, and with all the meetings of Campus Crusade for Christ, Reformed University Fellowship, Baptist Student Union, Navigators, Beta Upsilon Chi (Brothers Under Christ), Baptist Campus Ministries, Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship, Christian Student Center, Fellowship of Catholic University Students (FOCUS), Ministries in Action, Encounter, Students for Life, and the Wesley Foundation, you’d think they’d have plenty of opportunities to find a mate.

By the way, that list is in no way exhaustive as there are many more campus and local organizations affiliated with individual churches and sects. There are a plethora of opportunities to find similarly brainwashed people just in a small college town in Alabama. Surely it is similar elsewhere, if not just in the Bible Belt.

If anyone needs help with dating in my town, it’s atheists, gays, and Muslims. And if you are all three, you are screwed (though not literally).

Maybe I’ve interpreted this all wrongly. Maybe it is difficult for Christians to find someone else who shares their same twisted, literal interpretation of an ancient, contradictory text.

Anyway, the CALL TO ACTION! I’m sure on your travels around the interwebs you’ve encountered particularly humorous postings or profiles on Facebook, MySpace, or dating sites that are of the Christian-seeking-Christian type. There are too many sites out there for me to browse, so if you’ve ever bookmarked a particularly ridiculous specimen, please share it here!

I leave you with a small excerpt taken from a Christian singles group on Facebook. This girl had written this massive treatise on how guys pursue their prospective Christian mates. It was quite nauseating, and for your courtesy, I have pared it down to just a taste of what was written. You can easily find more on the thousands of Christian Facebook groups.

I had a guy friend, or two, tell me that I should be flattered that men liked me. That’s when it hit me: there was some serious miscommunication going on. I didn’t feel flattered! I felt worthless. I felt like a trendy dress hanging up in Forever 21, next to the other exact replicas of me in different colors. Yes– Those clothes are cute; but they aren’t special by any means. I am hand made by a God who isn’t into trends. So, where is it? Where does a man’s intention of treating a girl right, turn into treating her like a mass produced clothing item? I believe I have found it. It’s in the pursuit.

Barf. No wonder you’re single.

Found at BeliefNet.com, this article examines how non-believers are just as happy and content as their religious counterparts. Really? Ya think? It’s sad that it takes a psychological study for people to realize this, but I’ll just be happy for now that this truth is even being published.

The study suggests that those who are absolutely sure, one way or the other, about the existence of God are most likely to be satisfied with their lives and emotionally stable. It’s the spiritual seekers who tend to be unstable, according to the report.

This makes sense to me. Non-believers are happy in their realization of the absurdity of the religiosity of their counterparts and happy in their acceptance of the natural world as a product of complex changes over time. Believers, however, are happy because they have a steady supply of Kool-Aid to which they have been thoroughly addicted since their indoctrination. It’s the in-betweeners that tend to experience the turbulence and uncertainty. This too makes sense because you either have someone who has been exposed to religion seeking to justify it rationally, or someone with little to no exposure to religion checking it out to see what it may have to offer, as was my case back in the day.

Whatever your case may be, I think the fact that there was even a study commissioned on this topic reveals just how much Christians and other believers believe they have a stranglehold on happiness. It also illustrates their delusion in that they think that no one could possible find happiness in anything other than contradictory Palestinian mythology.

Solace comes in many forms. I choose to take solace in things that are based on facts, i.e. real things.