Going Places

Baby J turned two months old...

2012-02-04T22:56:00.001-05:00

Starting to develop some serious head control.

Having a child feels like you're counting time like a teenager does in relationships. You celebrate weekly and monthly "anniversaries" (but I still refuse to call them that!) or "birthdays." Jeongmin turned two months a couple days ago. Here are some pictures of what he's been up to the past few weeks:

Baby giggles: Awesome.

Hanging out with Nora, the daughter of my friends Amy and Andrew, just two weeks younger than Jeongmin. He looks very smug here--he's quite the ladies' man already.

Daddy's belly is super comfortable.

He charms all the ladies. Here he is with Min Gi's manager's daughter, Jisu. He's already charmed her.

I love this picture. It's captured the personality I see all day.

Min Gi has left his job to begin his new adventure as a full-time dad, and I have just one week of maternity leave left. It will be hard to be apart from the little guy (very hard), but in some ways I look forward to returning to my job.

For more cuteness:

Baby: Weeks 7 -9

10 Things I've Learned about Mommyhood

2012-01-25T21:08:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Shotgun Korea, now Shotgun Adventures (as they are on the West Coast of the U.S. these days), I thought I'd post 10 bits of mom wisdom I've acquired in the 8 weeks (really, 8 as of tomorrow!) I've been a mom. Don't expect profound secrets here. Just stuff I've figured out.

1. My emotional repertoire has stretched to new limits. The highs are higher, the lows lower. My heart feels like it just woke up in technicolor Oz after living in black and white Kansas my whole life. It's not that having a kid makes me happier or sadder or anything like that--it's that I had no idea there were emotions left I still had not experienced in my life. And there is no greater feeling in the world than uncovering a limitation that you didn't even know you had and pushing through it. I loved being a teacher because I could put kids in touch with that feeling, but I really wasn't sure I'd ever experience it again the way I had as a student in high school and college. What intellectual discovery was like as a young adult student is what the emotional discovery of being a parent is like. Amazing.

2. Being a mom makes you ridiculously proud of completely mundane things your baby does. Like poop. And eat. And smile. And sleep. Because to you, none of these things are mundane or boring. They are endlessly, endlessly fascinating. And you talk about them. Sometimes too much.

3. The sleep deprivation you've heard about? It's bad. Really bad. But you'll be amazed how fast you adapt. Before having the baby, I was one of those people who was practically nonfunctional without my eight hours. Even in high school and college, when all of us were seriously sleep deprived but it was ok because we were young and our bodies recovered fast, I wouldn't pull all-nighters. I would crash for a couple hours first because my brain does not function well without sleep. And especially since getting ulcerative colitis, I've found that lack of sleep sometimes sends me into a flare, so of course I was terrified about the newborn sleep deprivation winding me up in the hospital. But I've adapted--my body has adapted. There are still moments at 3 or 4 a.m. when the baby is crying for his 4th or 5th feeding of the night that I'm so exhausted I worry I might drop him and we end up co-sleeping the rest of the night, but I recover from it.

4. Don't talk about anything important with your husband when one or both of you are overtired. It leads to fights. Sometimes nasty ones. Just go to sleep. Talk about it tomorrow. It's not as urgent as you think it is.

5. Go out, with and without the baby, as soon as you can. It is overwhelming, exhausting, and scary at first, but it helps you feel more like you. Being you is good. Being a mom is grand. But at first it's really hard to reconcile your image of yourself with motherhood. Getting out of the house helps this process immensely for some reason. And most babies like going out--mine certainly does.

6. Use a pocket diaper overnight for cloth. The pocket diapers wick moisture away from the baby's bum so he doesn't fuss about his wet diaper and goes back to sleep without you having to change it for a wee. You still have to change it for a larger mess, and boy does he stink in the morning, but it is worth it for the glorious, glorious sleep it gives you.

7. Breastfeeding is hard. I have dealt with bruised nipples, plugged ducts, painful engorgement, crazy hormones, a let-down so powerful that it sometimes gags my poor little guy, and a tear-filled night in the hospital where I forced the poor little newborn (2 days old) to feed for three hours straight so the doctor wouldn't make me give him formula and she made me do it anyways. And I'm actually one of the "lucky" ones who have had very few problems overall. In the mommy groups I've joined, there are brilliant, accomplished, lovely women--lawyers and scientists and therapists and teachers--reduced to tears because their kid never can quite learn to latch or they are in so much pain when they feed that they can't sleep or their doctor is "concerned" about the weight gain of the baby, even if everything else is going well.

8. Even when breastfeeding is "easy", it's tempting to give it up. Why? Dude, after 3 HOURS of feeding him and then he sucked down 2 oz of formula in about five minutes with no problems and then slept four hours straight, I got it. I finally got why even well-intentioned women who CAN breastfeed might choose to give it up. Furthermore, in some ways, especially in the early weeks, breastfeeding ties you down. Feeding every 2-3 hours doesn't sound so bad until you realize that it's start time to start time and when the baby is learning to feed (about the first 2-4 weeks), it can regularly take 40 min to an hour to complete. Then you burp him, change him, nap for like 20 min, and start the whole damn thing over again! It's exhausting. Breastfeeding babies take longer to sleep through the night--mine still has yet to do a stretch longer than five hours. Our culture doesn't support it (I get dirty looks at restaurants all the time--and I use a nice modesty shield!). Formula is convenient (and also free if a mom does WIC). Until the personal electric pumps became widely available, working women had few options but to wean at least partially. Even with the pump, you have to learn all this stuff about freezing and storing and thawing which is complicated (and some babies won't take defrosted milk, so those women can't build up a back-up supply). And still few workplaces are supportive of nursing moms (see my point about cultural non-support). I breastfeed, but I completely understand women who have chosen not to in order to preserve their own sanity.

9. Breastfeeding makes you feel powerful. Really powerful. Almost like a superhero. Beyond the bonding with the infant skin-to-skin stuff, I've never been prouder of my body than when it produced milk successfully for my baby. Even my healthy pregnancy didn't feel so... powerful. Boobs are awesome. And I mean like I am in awe of them. But...

10. Breastfeeding makes you feel less sexy. Not un-sexy, just that two of your main body parts that used to be just about exclusively sexual have this whole other function. And they are constantly being touched in a way that feels good, but not sexual. It throws your whole pre-baby sense of who you were as a sexual being off. There's a really great post I read recently that touches on this and goes into other details of postpartum sex. I recommend it.

Random Insomniac Update

2012-01-12T04:22:00.001-05:00

My Little Monkey Butt

Baby J now has me so conditioned to middle-of-the-night feedings that when he throws off his routine by sleeping right through one, it causes me to stay up until the next one. At least I can catch up on blogging! (And of course, my punishment for being awake from 12:30-2 am was that when he finally did wake for a feeding he would NOT go back to sleep until 4. Ugh! No more caffeine for me!)

This week has been a little odd. Some things that have happened:

Milk Drunk

1) I'm down to 212 lbs (3 more lost), so all is going relatively well on the health front (except this nasty back pain that just won't go away and of course I can't get enough proper rest to allow to heal). I have my six week postpartum checkup tomorrow (later today, I guess), so we'll see if that goes well, too.

2) I'm becoming more social with the baby. We've been out to restaurants a couple times, on long walks many times, and to a new mommies group I was recently introduced to by a friend. I also went out on New Year's Eve, leaving the baby with his grandparents and way too much expressed milk (you know... in case I was kidnapped and held for ransom in Mexico or something. I was paranoid!) and called only once an hour to check on him. It's nice to feel less stuck on the couch.

Baby J and Min Gi with my high school friend, Jonathan and his lovely wife at our first restaurant outing.

3) The baby has grown a lot. He's really long (outgrew newborn sizes and even 3 month onesies are getting a little short on him) and his head is enormous. He's still pretty skinny baby-wise, but when I went to the new moms group, he was more like the size of boys a full 4-5 weeks older than him and girls 2 months older than him. The other 6 week olds looked so tiny by comparison. He's also started "talking" to us, which is super fun:

5) Min Gi has notified his job he is quitting at the end of this month to become a full time dad (and work on his business ideas), and I have told my boss I will be returning full time to work February 11. Jeongmin will be 10 weeks old. I actually kind of look forward to being a working mom. It will be hard to be away from him, but I know he and his dad will have a great time bonding with each other. Luckily, I've had no issues with pumping, so I should be able to continue to exclusively breastfeed.

Always excited in the mornings.

6. My father is in the hospital again--probably for two weeks. I don't think it's too serious, but it's still soon to see where it goes. He needs another surgery and has a small foot infection. I'm really sad because he's missing out on bonding time with Jeongmin.

7. American healthcare sucks. We're in limbo with the baby's insurance because we wanted to put him on Min Gi's insurance, but it turns out the agent who applied for us told the insurance company that nobody in the household was pregnant, even though I specifically asked her about that when we applied for his insurance, so now the matter is "under investigation" and not only does Jeongmin not currently have insurance, but Min Gi may lose his coverage because of this. With us going down to one salary, we're eligible for state care for the baby, but I can't even apply for that until I know what's going on with his application to the other agency. It's a giant mess. I will be calling around some public clinics next week to try to keep at least his vaccinations up, but the whole thing makes me want to punch people in the face. (And in case you were wondering, it's not really feasible to add him to my company's plan--it would be $500/month just for him). I really hope he stays healthy, especially over the next few weeks as this gets sorted out.

8) My younger brother turned 29 yesterday.

9) Another friend had her second baby this weekend (at the same hospital where my dad is now... funny). Can't wait to meet her.

My boys.

That is all for now. I should really try to sleep if I can. If you'd like, there are more cute baby pictures in the full album:

Baby: Weeks 4-6

2012: Year of the Dragon, Resolution!

2012-01-02T16:48:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try a single resolution this year. Of course, I always have numerous goals I'm working towards, but I would like one big fat goal that I achieve this year. That goal is health through weight loss.

Currently, I weigh 215 lbs. When I got pregnant, I was approximately 190 (high for me, mostly because of the depression) and when I checked into the hospital, I weighed in at 240, so I'd like to pretend that I've already lost 25 lbs, rather than think of it as a 50 lb gain. This makes me feel good and like I can accomplish my weight loss. My ultimate goal is to be under 70 kgs (154 lbs), but I have never weighed that little in my adult life, so I may have to adjust the goal as I approach it. I have broken this into interim goals of being under 200 lbs (I would like to achieve this by the time I return to work in mid-February) and being under 180 lbs by the end of April when some of the Korean relatives will be visiting. From there, I will re-assess the weight portion of my goal.

Really my goal is threefold: 1) to be in a healthy weight range for my height, 2) to have eating habits that I would like my son to emulate, and 3) to build my activity level back up to a high level I used to enjoy before I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis.

The ways I plan to achieve this goal are as follows:

1) I want to start doing meal planning. Since one-month cooking sounds a little intimidating, I plan to start with once-a-week cooking. This will help eliminate the random eating out that really should only be on special occasions.
2) Make water my primary liquid. I should not be drinking much else. I may try quitting soda. Right now, I'd rather focus on other things, but I am going to reach for a glass of water FIRST and then have something else if I still want it.
3) Exercise in some fashion everyday. I've noticed it has a huge impact on my mood when I go out in the stroller with the baby, even if I at first feel like I'm too tired or overwhelmed by my to-do list to bother. Honestly, 20 minutes of walking is sometimes even better for me right now than a 20 minute nap or a 20 minute laundry session. And it's good for the baby, too.
4) Track my weight. Possibly keep a food journal. Whenever I do this consistently, I tend to lose or AT LEAST maintain.
5) Observe and journal about my emotional relationship to food and focus on fullness/food cues. I may share some of this on the blog, but a lot of it is very personal. I may just note it in my offline journal. But I think this is a key element of long-term weight loss that I sometimes don't put as much work into as I really should.

If I implement all of these things, but I don't quite hit my weight loss goal dates, I know that's ok because these habits are really the ones I need to become healthy. Being a mom has really underscored the significance of health and of being a healthy role model. I want to be able to chase after my little guy as he grows up and for him not to have to struggle with the emotional food issues I have dealt with in my life. For him to learn this really well, I need to learn it better myself.

This is my resolution for 2012. It is my only one. I have other things I hope/plan to accomplish, but this is the one thing I will focus on this year. I will keep you posted now and then.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas, 2011; And, ambivalence.

2011-12-26T16:09:00.001-05:00

Jeongmin smiled at me for the first time (real smile, not just gas or contentment) on X-mas eve. I captured it on camera Christmas morning.

This year for Christmas, we had an especially lovely family celebration. My dad's brother, Rob, and his wife and son joined us for the festivities. Plus, of course, I suppose Jeongmin's first Christmas is a big deal (even if he won't remember it, being only three weeks old). I'm not a sentimental "Oh my god--it's baby's First Christmas!!!" type, but Min Gi is and so is my mother, so I'm glad it was pretty special. And maybe my son will turn out to be the holiday lover in the family, so it's good I got some pictures of him with the whole tree/present thing.

Baby J's big gift from Santa--a new jungle playmat. He loves the mirror and he's starting to be more aware of his environment, so it's the perfect time for him to start playing like this. Yes, that is a "My First Christmas" baby outfit... a present from a friend who couldn't use it for her baby last year.

At the risk of alienating people and becoming a grossly unpopular Scrooge-like figure, I have to admit that I have a love-hate relationship with Christmas. Partly, it's that I'm not Christian, so a lot of the religious spirit of the holiday is not a part of my scripting, but we all know that Christmas is as much a cultural holiday in the U.S. as it is a religious one, and it's that part of the celebration that I find myself feeling such ambivalence about.

Giant Monkey attack--nearly eats the baby.

I love the family togetherness, the good feelings, the yummy cookies and other meals, the stories and folklore, the warm wishes from everyone, and even the decorations (especially the ones that come out year after year and have special meaning--Grandma's old ornaments, the ones my siblings and I made in daycare centers when we were little, the woven ones my parents brought back from their years in Ecuador). I missed all that while I was in Korea from 2007-2010 and being "home" for Christmas these last two years has been amazing.

There is only one present in this picture I need or want.

What I don't love is how something so nice can turn so blatantly commercial and become a pressure cooker for gift giving and receiving in which your obligations as both the giver and recipient are immense. I actually heard people I love saying things like "I spent $80 on them--she better wear them!" and wondering aloud if they had spent "enough" money even though the gift they had already picked out was lovely, thoughtful, and appropriate.

I don't get it. I love giving presents (and who doesn't love getting some thoughtful gifts?), but I often do so throughout the year, as things occur to me. I don't get the whole holiday=stuff thing and kind of never have. My first Christmas where I could talk, my parents got me a really nice Fisher Price house and a bunch of other stuff. I opened the one toy and played with it for like an hour or so. Mom then asked me to open my other gifts, and I said "No, this is enough for today." (Of course my parents, who had worked hard in shopping for and arranging gifts for me made me open the rest of them, but this has become family legend.) My first Christmas where I purchased my own gifts with my own money (in high school), I made donations in each of my family's names to a charity that suited their own personal interests (like the WWF for my sister and a comic book free speech group for my brother). I usually try to make presents if I can.

But this year, I didn't have time (or in all honesty, the free cash) to shop this year and the cookies I had planned to bake didn't happen because Jeongmin got sick with a minor cold in the days leading up to the holiday, so I did not get presents for people this year. I feel bad about it. I feel overwhelmed by my too-generous relatives. I wonder if somehow my dislike of commercialism and failure to wrap something up and put it under the tree disappointed them (even though I got everyone presents when I went on vacation this summer and other events of that nature).

I may be the only person in the whole of America who didn't find the stories of people anonymously paying off Walmart and K-mart layaways heartwarming. Maybe it's because I work all year for an organization that has to tell people (often good, hardworking people) that the rent money relief they so desperately need in order to not become homeless is currently out of funds, but I don't find "donations" so that kids whose parents can't really afford it can have a bunch of cheap, plastic junk to be very charitable. I'd rather make sure we have the cash so they don't become homeless. Or so we can fund a program to help them find a job when they're out of work or quality, affordable daycare so they can keep their jobs.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. My mother is the opposite of me and always expresses her love through giving and loves nothing better than holidays. She decorates up a storm and is wonderful at picking out Christmas gifts that make everyone feel special and loved. It overwhelms me, but I truly appreciate her generosity. I just think spending time with people is more important than getting them stuff. Even when it's stuff they want. And that what you do throughout the year is a bigger deal than one specific day.

Will I feel differently about making him happy through purchases and toy gifts when he is older? I don't know. For now, I just love him and want to spend time with him (and the rest of my family). That's all I really care about.

Christmas 2011

Mommy Brain, cloth diapers... and, of course, pictures!

2011-12-22T09:52:00.000-05:00

Jeongmin's "windmill" arms--working it!

My brain is slowly adjusting to mommy life and the inevitable "Mommy Brain" that results from the sleeping in spurts, the never fully stopping with the baby care (even when I'm sleeping or when putting him down for a moment), the obsessing and mooning over my new little man like some love-struck preteen. I'm starting to feel more relaxed and comfortable with caring for Jeongmin. It helps that babies get a little easier each week. He's sleeping longer and having more regular patterns. He's also started getting more fun and alert at playtime.

Sporting the cloth diapers, and waving hello to his fans.

This week, I finally completed my cloth diapering stash to my satisfaction. Gwen, my old boss from Oedae and good friend, shipped me her nearly-two-year-old son's old BumGenius one size pocket diapers and inserts, so now I have a total of 11 of that style (Gwen's are version 3.0 and I have 3 version 4.0--honestly, I don't really see much of a difference at this point). I also have 11 Softbum Omni shells (obtained from diaperswappers.com) and many inserts that work with them (bumgenius OS terrycloth inserts have a snap that work well with the Omni shells, some infant pre-folds, and softbums staydry super pods), including some Kissaluvs size 0 fitted diapers. Newborns need a lot more diapers than older ones, so hopefully when he outgrows the Kissaluvs, I won't need to replace them with more inserts. I have 3 all-in-one BumGenius size small, too, but they don't seem to be absorbing much at this time (my only real leaks so far have come from these), so I'm trying to wash them a few more times before I give up.

Look at the worry lines as he strains to push up!

Cloth is a lot easier than people make it out to be, especially with all the new all-in-two designs and pocket styles. If you buy used or clearance/discounted, they aren't even that much more expensive than a prefold/cover deal (the old-fashioned nappy pinning and plastic pants, but even that has been updated with plastic snaps and much trimmer covers). I have enough where even with my frequently soaking 3 week old, I only have to do the diaper laundry every 3 or so days. And they are easy enough to use that my parents have said they will try to use the cloth when they babysit, so score!

And now, more cute:

No, Daddy! Don't eat my hand!

Blue eyed Korean.

For more overdose on cuteness, look at the full album:

Baby: Week Three

Baby J: Week Two

2011-12-17T21:42:00.000-05:00

On Friday, Baby J had his two week check up. He'd gained nearly a pound since birth and grown 1.5 inches in that time. Considering how tiny he is, that's quite a feat. He was declared healthy by the pediatrician, which is of course the important thing.

Min Gi relaxing with the baby.

The baby with his care package from Min Gi's sister-in-law, In Shil, from Korea (you may remember her as the photographer from this excursion)

And here we are, wearing the scarves she knit Min Gi and I as well as Jeongmin's new, handmade green vest. Notice he's trying to hold up his fingers for the camera like a good Korean lad.

Auntie Sarah time.

Sporting a Christmas outfit from Sarah's good friend, Camille. Straight Christmas thuggin' in his hoodie. Oh yeah. Baby life.

This is what I'm greeted with every morning. I really am the luckiest person in the world.

Can't get enough? There are more pictures in the album:

Baby: Week Two

Baby J's first stroller adventure.

2011-12-10T09:33:00.000-05:00

This morning, the umbilical stump fell off, so now he looks like a "normal" baby that you see in magazines and stuff. Also, we went on baby's first adventure to tour the Christmas lights in the neighborhood.

He's stylin' in his little bumblebee hat knit by my good friend, Elinor.

Daddy's ready to go. Baby may have his doubts...

I think I'm going to crash into something because he's just too cute not to stare at.

Daddy and the baby.

With the Christmas lights in the neighborhood.

Baby J: Week One

2011-12-08T14:36:00.001-05:00

Baby J's been growing now for seven days--a whole week! He's beginning to be a lot more alert and active. I'm recovering, too. Here are some photo updates of our adventures so far:

I don't know if you can quite tell he has blue eyes here, but he does have a very expressive face.

Bonding with Min Gi (taken at night with no lights with his iPod Touch, so sorry for the quality).

Mommy is proud of the little man!

He really loves a good, tight swaddle for sleeping.

Getting ready for breakfast!

I discover the joys of the Moby wrap. Baby on, no hands!

Sleeping burrito.

He is learning to self-soothe. Besides... you can never have enough sleeping baby photos.

We're all trying to figure out a routine that works for us. Since he seems to want to eat every two hours or so, mostly this routine involves me tethered to the kid for all but a few hours here and there of grandpa or grandma or auntie time (all life-savers for a new mom). I'm learning how to rest/bathe/eat/etc. while he rests, but it's kind of a juggling act since the baby is the little booby dictator. (As in, when he wants the booby, he loudly demands it and so he receives).

I've managed to disappear 19 lbs in the last seven days. But that's not really an accomplishment when you consider that I had packed on 50ish in the last nine months... whoops. Having a waist again is pretty cool. Not as cool as having a baby, but I do like it.

I've started him on cloth diapers. It's nowhere near as hard as everyone acts like it is. However, they are massive on a tiny newborn (more bulky layers to absorb baby excretions), so that's kind of funny. More updates when I can. The little Booby Dictator has just woken up.

Jeongmin Paul Sung

2011-12-05T13:23:00.000-05:00

Right now, my four day old son, Jeongmin, is napping. Thanks to my mother (super-grandma), I am caught up on enough rest to actually post some info here about what has been the most incredible event of my life. Unfortunately, my brain is too addled to reflect properly on the events that have occurred and recount them faithfully and entertainingly for you here at this time. I will try to do so soon. For now, basic stats:

Born 12/2/2011 at 4:47am. I had a very short first labor, dilating from 4cm to ready to push in just 1.5 hours. The nurse and doctor actually made me wait another 45 min because they hadn't set anything up. Even with the epidural, it was a lot of pain to hold back. 20 min of pushing, and then he was out!

He weighed 7lbs, 10oz (3.465 kg), had an immediate Apgar score of 9. He has curly dark blond hair (surprising!) and deep blue eyes that are rapidly turning brown. First hints of a smile here.

One proud daddy! Min Gi has been amazing. He was totally supportive during labor and has turned into an expert diaperer overnight. Plus, he remains super-organized with all our stuff and caring for the kitties and basic needs while I recover. I love him all over again.

Ready to eat! This is my favorite picture, since it's what I see every 2-3 hours when I'm feeding the little dude. He's so much fun!

Baby's first mohawk. Post-bath.

Yes, I just delivered a baby. Of course I look like crap and need to stuff my face. This is the only one of me Min Gi took in the hospital that doesn't have a boob hanging out. Sorry.

Grandpa! So happy.

We're home now. At my follow up appointment today, the baby is already gaining weight and is perfectly healthy and happy. We had a small bumpy start to breast-feeding, but with the help of the lactation consultant at the hospital, that has been resolved and all is well.

Having a baby is totally exhausting, but it's also a LOT more fun than I thought. I hope you enjoy the update! I will try to keep up a bit here in between all the lovin'.

Thankful.

2011-11-27T08:54:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I've been crabby and impatient the last few days dealing with the end-of-pregnancy body blahs, but I'm still very thankful for many things in my life. This list is not really in order, but here we are:

1. Always and forever, I am thankful to Min Gi, who continues to surprise me with his patience, concern, love, and growth. He's about to be the best damn dad in the whole world to our little one--I can tell.
2. I am thankful for the closeness I've had with my family this year. My family is not always easy to get along with up close, but the last year has been one of a surprising increase in the depth and quality of my relationships with each of my immediate family members. Most especially my mother, who at one time I believed I could never have the kind of close relationship I desired. Do they still drive me nuts? Sure. But we are all in a very good place these days. It was unexpected.
3. I am very thankful for my mental health recovery. Being depressed sucks (so y'all know).
4. Despite the discomforts of the last few weeks, I'm thankful that my first time ever being pregnant has been so healthy and successful. I know not everyone gets that, so even though I have griped and dealt with negative hormonal surges, I've been pretty darn lucky overall.
5. I am thankful that I found a job I love and believe in and feel valued and competent. This probably has contributed to #3 more than anything else. I am thankful to my co-workers and for the opportunity that came about at such a fortuitous moment in my life. And extremely thankful about how supportive they have been of my transition to motherhood.
6. I am very thankful for friends near and far who have been patient with my funk earlier in 2011 and, despite largely electing to be childless themselves (so far for some), tolerant of my increasing baby-brain-ness. I am thankful for the new friends I've made who are already moms (and some old friends who have grown close again because of this) and have been helping me through a lot of this.
7. I am thankful for Min Gi's family who support us immeasurably from Korea. I know he misses them a ton and I *will* find a way for us to visit them next spring or summer.
8. I am thankful for the strides we have made this year financially as a family unit. Compared to this time last year, we are in a much better place as far as working together to accomplish monetary goals. We still have a long way to go, and I promise I'll start blogging about this again, but for now, Min Gi and I are just a lot more supportive of each other and a lot more comfortable expressing our true needs than we were. It's pretty awesome.
9. I am thankful for the health of our other two family members--Saja and Princess--who have been through 5 moves in the last two years (one of which was international) and have adjusted stunningly each time. Dear, dear kitties.
10. Everyday, I am more and more thankful for the choices my privileged life allows. I become more aware of them as I grow older, and sometimes it's hard to think about how lucky I am because of the difficulties I see, but overall, I'm a very lucky, lucky person.

Flashback Travel: Overnight Sailing Trip to Rock Hall, MD

2011-11-19T15:40:00.000-05:00

Sunset on the Chesapeake Bay.

In August 2010, when I first came to America from Korea, Dad was eager to show off his newly acquired sailboat. My brother Brian and I served as his crew on an overnight trip across the Chesapeake Bay to Rock Hall, MD.

She's a beautiful 32-foot delight. We are docking her in Rock Hall, MD.

Crab pots in Rock Hall, MD.

Cormorants. Can you tell from the poop stains that this is a regular hangout for them?

The trip was a great success. We had some bonding time and some peace. Except that August has crap for wind in this area, but we didn't really mind. Check out the full album below:

Dad's Boat--Rock Hall Trip

Ultrasound Image

2011-11-15T10:29:00.000-05:00

Ultrasound images are now all fancy and 3-D awesome, but I'm still not one who really would regularly expose the innards of her uterus for mass consumption. However, when I went for my second one at 24 weeks, the little one showed his Korean roots by flipping the Korean "V" for victory sign in an early picture, so I felt the need to share:

My friend, Jim, insists that he's actually throwing a gang sign, but I'm pretty sure that's the Korean "look at the camera" thing. What do you think?

Lazy Mom's Note: This image is from way back in August. The baby is now at least five times the size he was, but I finally got around to scanning this image in so that you can see. Yes, yes I am that lazy.

November Already?

2011-11-08T14:47:00.000-05:00

How did it get to be the end of 2011 already? And how is it that the most important event of my 2011 (in case you can't figure that one out, it's the birth of my first child sometime in the next month or so) has not even happened yet?

I'm feeling very transitional these days, and I'm becoming more comfortable with it. I usually like to have a set plan for the next six months, year, and five years mapped out. I've always remained flexible with these plans, allowing them to change as new life stuff comes up, but I feel a lot more comfortable when I know where I'm going next.

However, I've come to terms over the last three months that I cannot possibly predict what my life will be like after the birth of my son. (Three months ago, with hormones raging, I was utterly despondent over the loss of control becoming a parent represented. Although I chose not to blog about my misery, rest assured there was much fighting with Min Gi and fear of insanity...). I can imagine and hope and daydream about the kind of parent I'd like to be, but if I'm honest with myself, I cannot possibly know what my priorities will be after our family grows by 50 percent, other than to assume that my child will be in my top five, likely vying for the top two, along with my marriage.

This makes things like planning a career path, health and financial goals, travel adventures, or writing projects somewhat up in the air. I'm guessing these things will still be very important to me, but the way I approach them and the shapes they take may alter dramatically. And that's ok.

Today, at 36 weeks and change, I had another ultrasound to determine the position of the baby (he's head down, which is grand) and the approximate size of the beast at the moment (around 6lbs 5oz, though my doctor cautions that 3rd trimester scans are not very accurate and it could be a pound up or down from there). All is healthy and well. On Friday, he will officially be "term" meaning that they won't try to stop labor if it starts, although we're still hoping he goes to 39+ weeks, since that's best for his development.

I'm about ready to have my body back to myself, although it will ironically signal a much more profound movement away from independence than pregnancy. I'll let you know how that goes.

Last Photos from the August 2010 Jeju Trip

2011-10-27T20:37:00.000-04:00

Well over a year ago, Min Gi and I took a second honeymoon to Jeju Island in Korea to bid goodbye to the country and because we wouldn't see each other for about a month after I went back to the U.S. Back when I was still a good blogger (not dealing with job stress, depression, or pregnancy), I blogged about one piece of the trip. I am just now getting around to putting up some pictures from the rest of our adventures on our 4.5 days on the island.

We had a fantastic time. We made new friends, visited some ones we knew from before, and fell in love with a place. We have decided that when we return to Korea to settle there, we want to live here. For now, enjoy the photos!

Dragon Rock in Jeju

Manjanggul Cave (Lava Tube) in Jeju

Folk Village in Jeju

Other Jeju Photos

End of September? Reading List, Part One

2011-09-30T23:37:00.001-04:00

Where on earth has this year gone? We're already well into fall, and I feel like I haven't been able to catch up with where I want to be from a blogging perspective.

I had a health scare this month when I tested high for the first round of gestational diabetes testing, but that proved to be a fluke since the 3 hour glucose tolerance test was not even borderline. It freaked me out a lot. When I get freaked out these days, I obsess in my head, but don't write about it much. I think I need to work on this.

I've been reading a lot. I would like to write some reviews of a few of the books I've been devouring lately, but I don't think I'll ever get around to writing seperate reviews of each, so here's some (we'll call it Part One) of my top summer reads (in no particular order, except perhaps vaguely in the order I read/can recall them):

1. Apologize, Apologize by Elizabeth Kelly--I got this at one of the Border's closing sales to read on Martha's Vineyard since the story takes place there. It was surprisingly tragic (the description makes it sound like a coming-of-age comedy). A fascinating character study of truly bizarre people. And the main character even has a brief stint as a suicide hotline counselor...

2. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua--A book that was all over the media because it claimed that Asian parenting was somehow superior to Western parenting. I feel like this may have been what even Chua herself believed she was trying to write, but I think her editors did her a disservice in promoting the book this way. The tale that unfolds in the narrative is one that is much more humble and honest than the way it came off in the news articles. First of all, she is trying to recreate in her (incredibly priveledged) upper-middle class American daughters the character building lessons she learned as the daughter of working-class Chinese immigrants by being absolutely nuts about music education. I don't think it accomplished what she thinks it did.

It ends, as all parenting narratives really should, in uncertainty and doubt. Ultimately, the reason Chua's parenting works is because she cares so very much about her girls and they know that, not because of any particular techniques she claims.

3. Little Bee by Chris Cleave--This is the second book from the highly acclaimed British author. It's unusual and powerful because it is written in two voices--that of an African refugee nicknamed Little Bee and a British woman whose life becomes inextricably entwined with Little Bee's under the worst of circumstances. It is exquisite. It's the most humanizing and heartwrenching tale of what globalization means that I have ever read.

I don't know what else I can say about this book except this: Read it.

...to be continued.

Baby Fever/Spoiling Myself

2011-09-16T13:38:00.001-04:00

This morning I found myself immersed in a deep conversation with the contents of my uterus.

It's not like I haven't held conversations before with beings that cannot possibly actually respond in a common language--I talk to my cats most days. I have been known to heckle a tree or two in my day. I've even cooed at my various pieces of technology that just needed a bit of coaxing to function. But speaking to my own body is new.

It's happened. I finally caught the baby fever. Maybe I just read enough books to feel like I may actually have a clue how to care for a human creature under the age of two. Maybe I was swept away by the awesomeness of cottonbabies, a company that makes cloth diapering systems that humans who are not super-adept supermoms can actually use. Maybe feeling the little one squirming around on a regular basis makes the whole thing more real. Maybe it's just third trimester hormones kicking in.

Whatever it is... I'm finally at that gross, gooey-eyed, baby-obsessed stage where everything on my to-do list, every thought that forms in my brain, nearly every piece of media I absorb is centered around all things baby. Preparing for baby, shopping for baby, talking about baby. Baby, baby, baby. I make myself sick when I think about it from an objective point of view. But I can't be objective here. Baby is too damned important. Dudes, I'm responsible for the care, formation, and rearing of another human. It's like I'm Dr. Frankenstein here--IT'S ALIVE!!! And we all know where that story ended...

At the same time, a powerful need to indulge and appreciate these final months of me-focused Diana life has taken over. Whenever I find those baby fever urges taking over the animal cortex of my brain, I suddenly find myself in a car, driving to a cafe or restaurant to sit for a few hours over some yummy indulgent drink or food and read a novel. I have to cling to this last quiet resistance of solitude and peace and adult independence. I nap whenever I can, precisely because I can do so right now. I'm making plans with people I haven't seen in months/years.

It's like storing up for winter. I'm the ant of young adult self-obsession.

Most of my blog readers (that I know of) don't have kids. I don't really want Going Places to turn into something that resembles the blog version of the people mocked for the their facebook status updates on STFU, Parents, but it does seem likely I'm going to need a place to obsessively recount my (mis) adventures in booby feeding, poo obsession, and indulgent bragging about the wonder of my perfect infant. I don't plan to subsume my identity on the almighty alter of motherhood, but let's be honest here--from the time the kid finally arrives, mommy brain will likely take over.

To that end, I'm working on a blogging solution that should enable me to balance the two competing lizard brains of my soul--the independent woman who started this blog, and the woman who's about to become a mom. (There are hints of it in a blog I started on wordpress about a year ago.) For now, I will just say that most of the reason for my failure to post here is an inability to self-regulate the conflicting nature of my interests, and my desire to spare my loyal readers the indecencies of pregnancy.

For those of you who've been craving the nasty oh-my-god-my-boobs-are-now-eclipsed-by-the-massiveness-of- my-belly and middle-of-the-night-gross-bodily-function updates, I promise that I'll have a separate place for that so that you may sympathize with (or mock) me to your hearts' contents in the upcoming weeks.

I will be posting such Mama Drama and Baby Obsessive posts at my new blog, The Parentally Challenged. Enjoy!

Flashback Travel: Haeinsa Temple, July 2010

2011-09-08T20:54:00.000-04:00

Temple art detail. I would love to know which Buddhist story this comes from...

During the rainy season in Korea last year, I ventured to Haeinsa Temple with my friend Paul. The miserable rainy weather here reminded me of this trip. Despite the cloudy skies and constant, unpleasant drizzle, it was a pleasant trip to one of my favorite temples.

The Tripitaka Koreana and the reason for this temple's fame. It's the print panels for a really old and awesome Buddhist text, preserved in traditional wood structures.

I had an epiphany walking this maze back in March 2008 when I came here with another friend.

Check out the full album with lots of cool temple art details:

Haeinsa, 2010

Natural Disaster #2: Goodnight, Irene.

2011-08-29T15:16:00.001-04:00

What a week it has been here in the DC/Baltimore area, folks. And damn, I should really be careful about wishing for experiences.

Just as we were all coming off of the collective "phew" from the earthquake that caused very little damage and even fewer casualties, the weatherpersons started to project a path of doom for the Hurricane Irene creeping up the east coast to finally hit North Carolina on Saturday, pounding the crap out of most of the eastern sea board up into Canada.

We don't often get hurricanes in this area--they usually fizzle out to minorly annoying tropical storms before they even cause us any rain--so we aren't particularly equipped to handle them well. The last serious hurricane here was when Hurricane Isabel found her way up the Chesapeake Bay eight years ago. I was in college down in St. Mary's, which is a low-lying area surrounded by water. I hunkered down for the storm a bit more inland (with my friend Amy, who is--interestingly enough--expecting her first child about a week after mine) and remember that the main effects were a loss of power lasting an average of 8-72 hours for most people, major flooding (I know some people who lost homes in Georgetown from that), and downed trees becoming projectile missiles that destroyed parts of homes, cars, and anything else they fancied smashing into.

The nice thing about a hurricane (and just about the ONLY "nice" thing about a hurricane) is that you usually have plenty of time to prepare for the doom. Which is great (because you can prevent a lot of casualties and some more severe property loss), but also sucks because you feel obligated to do a whole lot of things to prepare that may prove unnecessary because the path of the storm alters.

With the memory of Isabel in mind, after working my 8 hour shift at the crisis hotline on Friday (with lots of people calling to ask for info about the storm), I slept only a few hours and spent all morning Saturday prepping my folks' house for the storm and making some foods that wouldn't require the use of electricity to eat (pasta salad, anyone?). Since my parents are doing a lot of home repairs at the moment, by the time I finished, I was dripping with sweat and the garage was bursting with renovation supplies, trash cans, plastic bins, and assorted lawn things. Then it was time to shower and head back in to work.

The worst bit of the storm was predicted for this area between 10pm Saturday and 3am Sunday. Well... I work 4pm-12am on Saturday, so I just packed up the blow up camping bed, an overnight bag, plenty of food, and headed in figuring that I would wait to leave until after things had calmed down. I crashed in a co-worker's office after my shift ended and woke up around 7:30 am. We only lost power twice during the storm, and it came back quickly (within 5 minutes) both times.

As my drive home (and Sunday evening shift at work with many, many calls from people in crisis because of the storm) proved, we were very lucky. Every other neighborhood I drove through seemed to have some major property damage/power loss. The ones between were completely untouched. I'm grateful that my family's house was spared, but I know others, like Amanda, dealt with some major damage and long-term outages. School openings were delayed in Southern Maryland. People in Baltimore are still without power. The news is saying the property damage is reaching record highs and at least 31 deaths have been attributed to the storm.

My husband found the whole thing exhilarating, but he was definitely anxious. Korea is not a country that gets much in the way of earthquakes, thunderstorms (which DC has had plenty of in late summer), or hurricanes, so it was all new for him. He worried himself sick about me, even though he knew exactly where I was and that I wasn't doing stupid things like driving home in the middle of the storm.

Generally, the people who analyze this sort of thing (like my friend Sam who works on NOAA's latest hurricane weather computer modeling) say that the DC metro area got off pretty light, and I tend to agree. Although that doesn't really help the people who did lose a lot. (Side note--I'm really going to have to have a rant one of these days about how not opening storm shelters until after the storm is well under way in a county that has a significant homeless population living out of cars and under bridges and bleachers is unacceptable. Telling them to "stay in the basement" doesn't help, morons.)

Let's hope that was the last bit of "excitement" on the mother nature front for at least... say... the next three months. At which point I'm sure that the labor and delivery of my feisty child will be about all the "natural" and "disaster" I can tolerate.

Earthquake?

2011-08-24T09:39:00.000-04:00

As most of you know by now, yesterday just before 2 p.m., DC (and much of the east coast) was rocked by a freak, nearly 6.0 magnitude earthquake centered in Virginia. The good news is that there has been very little damage reported. Everyone's been sharing their stories of doom and gloom from their buildings shaking and fears of an apocalypse and all that. So what's mine?

I'll tell you.

Nothing.

That's right. N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

I didn't feel a damn thing when the big disaster quake of '11 went down because I had chosen that moment to hop in my car and drive to the gym for my daily laps in the pool. I guess when you're driving 40-50 mph, some mild ground rumbling just doesn't even register in your frame of reference. When I got to the gym, everyone was freaking out and watching CNN where the story had just begun unfolding. I asked what happened and a girl in the locker room who had been lifting weights said that a few minutes earlier, the whole building and all the gym equipment was shaking and felt like it went on for a full minute.

I was concerned initially that bad things had happened (after all, that's a pretty significant natural disaster), but as the reports that no casualties had occurred and few buildings had reported any damage, my disappointment at having missed the whole shebang set in.

I swam a half-mile (which did not feel nearly as satisfying as usual) and returned to my car to 13 (yes, 13) missed calls from my husband who had been pretty freaked out that I'd been unavailable in the hour following the event. My sister had also sent a panicked text message.

But, of course, everything was fine. Life resumed normalcy. It was like the whole thing never happened.

Except for me, I don't even get the memory of the thing.

Is this what they mean when they say that sometimes history just passes us right on by?

Exciting News!

2011-08-19T20:18:00.000-04:00

My husband got a job today!
I have more to say, but I'm just very happy for him right now and wanted to share.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

It's been a rough week.

2011-08-14T15:31:00.000-04:00

I had a really great day on Monday, and then I got sick--feverish, headachey, generally blah. I've been dragging since then, taking Tylenol as needed to ward off the fever and the headache. Meanwhile, Min Gi's got his follow-up procedure scheduled for Monday (finally), but that means I've had to be more supportive and whatnot with the doctors' appointments and procedure prep. On top of that, I've been in paperwork filing mode with all the insurance and address changes that come with the move, anticipation of family change, and the new job. Stress is no fun.
Relief is in sight for next week, though, so I remain hopeful that I can get back into my healthy routine. I've also discovered Amy's Kitchen organic frozen meals. They are pricier than regular frozen meals (still less than eating out), but they taste so much better and are all vegetarian (many are even vegan), so I don't have to read ingredient lists if I don't want to (but the organic focus means that I actually understand all of the ingredients on the lists--surprise, surprise...). All the ones I've tried so far have been really, really good. For weeks like this where it's all I can do to get out of bed, I think this may be a reasonable compromise.

I'm hoping all goes well tomorrow and that next week is a better week where I get to sleep for at least 12 hours straight--you only think I'm kidding.

Project 30, Derailed. Health Goals.

2011-08-06T21:26:00.001-04:00

Well, naturally, the day after I turned 30, I found out I was pregnant. Which is great. But losing 30lbs and dropping $30,000 debt? Not going to happen this year. Try gaining 30lbs and adding debt from a recent, significant purchase (to-be-blogged-next, along with a re-assessment of my financial goals).

My health goals have changed temporarily to focus on improving health for optimal health of the child and in preparation of delivery. I tried to do this before I went on vacation last month, but I should have known that was a doomed-to-fail endeavor since I was in transitional mode. However, I moved last week to a new place and am pretty settled into a routine with my new job/location. Sure, that will all be uprooted in four months when I have an infant, but for now I'm in a good place to work on some goal-setting.

So, then, health goals for August:

1. Exercise: 4-5 days/week, building up to about 60 minutes per session by the end of the month.

Last week, I joined a local gym with a pool and set a goal of swimming 4 times/week. I met that goal and am continuing it, while building up the number of laps I swim each session. I started out swimming 20 laps in 20 minutes (do NOT mock the slowness... I am coming back from months and months of lack of regular exercise). I'm up to about 40 minutes and 40ish laps each time. I would like to achieve swimming 50ish laps in 45 minutes each session by the end of the month and add in 2-3 days/week of also using the elliptical (either before the pool or on another day) for about 15 minutes at a time. I am working up to this slowly and building my strength/endurance right now.

The results? It's amazing! I'm having almost no pregnancy-related pains now (some aches from muscle building, but nothing like the back/leg cramping I was having the last couple weeks before the move that kind of killed the walking routine I was trying to turn into a habit). It's also helped the heartburn that was beginning (there is less of it) and has kept my weight gain a bit more reasonable. I really like this pool and my hours make it easy to go at a time when there are very few people there who don't work there (between 10am and noon). I have a ways to go as I build my time up this month, but I'm definitely on my way!

Also, I am tracking my daily exercise in a spreadsheet so can see the progress. It's nice.

2. Nutrition: Stop eating out and cook at home, already!

Now that I've moved in, I need to get back into meal planning and bringing dinner with me to work instead of relying on fast food. It's hard to do this because I'm adjusting to a whole new rhythm of life at home that contends with a lot more than just my and my husband's needs. I've decided as a baby step, I'm going to allow myself to rely on frozen meals for work dinners. I'll even let myself splurge on Amy's brand (the all-organic, unfortunately expensive one) because it's still better than stopping for Burger King or McDs on the way home or ordering pizza/Chinese at the hotline because I get a sudden craving.

The second part of my plan to cut back on fast food and dining out is to bring fruit with me every day to work. Sometimes I don't want a whole meal, but I do need to bring healthy snacks. Maybe yogurt, too. That's probably a good idea.

So... the goal for this month then? No more food from outside the home for just me. Dates with the husband or pizza with my dad after sailing or lunch/coffee with a friend are ok, but those are not frequent events, really. The daily drive thru habit I developed in conjunction with working? That needs to go. Like yesterday.

I did better with this today (since I decided on it today), but I need to make it a top health priority now, and I can only do this through good planning to break a bad habit.

I was going to put a third goal in there, but realized that two is probably good for a focused start. I'll post more about how they are coming along during the month and review at the end of August as well as setting two new goals for myself. Yay goals!

Korean Life Memories

2011-07-29T17:43:00.000-04:00

My Korean Aboji and the feast my Korean Ohmoni prepared to say goodbye

Part of the reason for my last post about missing Korea is that I've been going through all the photos I never got around to uploading in the last year (wow... have I really been neglecting my blog that badly?). I found some photos from cooking adventures and goodbye trips in the last few weeks of my final summer in Korea.

An old Korean War helipad at Waryong-san in Daegu.

Some of these were taken by Min Gi on his camera phone.

With my good friend Jina at Donghwasa on a rainy afternoon.

You can check out the full album at Picasa, as usual linked below:

Life in Korea.

Missing...

2011-07-23T22:59:00.000-04:00

... I realized today that when I say I miss Korea, I don't only mean the country itself or even the cultural peculiarities of the land of kimchi, mountains, and fan death. I don't mean that I miss my job at TFLHS, which I missed sharply this year. Of course, I also miss the people I associate with my life in Korea, even though many of them no longer actually live there (or live in another city), but that's not even entirely what I mean.
I think sometimes that when I say I miss Korea, I really miss who I was while I was living in Korea.

I'm not saying I'm a dramatically different person in America--I'm largely the same. However, I behave differently and respond to my environment differently. I even think differently sometimes. In Korea, I felt like I was more adventurous, more interesting, and more inspired. I felt shiny. Powerful.

Living in another country has a certain freedom to it. There is the freedom of not belonging, and it being just fine and dandy to not fully belong. Here, when I feel like I don't belong, it's more painful and lonely. There is the freedom from conventions. Adhering to neither Korean culture nor American culture fully was expected of me, and therefore I could pick and choose quite comfortably.

Also, I was challenged most days in a way that excited and inspired me. I always had something I wanted to write about. I saw lots of things I wanted to photograph. I experimented with foods and local travel more than I'm inclined to do in the area I grew up. I tried new classes and sports and hobbies for the heck of it.

I know, I know. I could do those things here, too. After all, these qualities are not in Korea, but in me. I just feel like I'd have to work harder to be inspired in that way. I have to look for the exotic and interesting in the mundane and everyday grind.

The depression I was in for much of this last year has colored my impression of my ability to explore and be inspired in America. Now that I'm out of it, past the culture shock, and happy with my life again, I'm starting to feel like I want to do the work I know is necessary to live this way. Living in my home country just feels a bit encumbered sometimes is all.