My huge announcement!

2010-01-07T12:26:00.000-08:00

I graduated from college with a degree in Biology, cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa. Even before graduation I immediately began working as a Clinical Research Coordinator. I had to. The idea of mot having something to do with myself, some way to support myself and be productive gave me heartburn. So I took it the job. And honestly, I kind of thought it was the “perfect” job. I wore scrubs and had health benefits and title a salary. However, I spent so many hours working or commuting that I did not have the time or the energy to do much of anything else in my life. I was all about work. And I started hating the job, my coworkers and myself.

So I left that job and immediately got another job. It was a “cushier” job. I wore heals and had luncheon meetings and took people to museums. And when I inevitably felt like I could do more, be more educated, have a more prestigious future, I went to grad school. And studied Biology of course. Because that was the track I was on. That was what I knew. That was what I was good at.

But quickly I learned I didn’t love it either. And soon… I didn’t even like it.

Now, here I am 4 years into grad school and I HATE it. I have absolutely no passion for what I am doing. I do not want to be a scientist and haven’t for a long time.

Worst of all, I do not like who I have become. Sometimes I feel lazy and worthless because I do not think I am doing something with my life. Especially when I compare myself to Erich. He goes off to work and loves his job. He often works 12+ hour days, works very hard and makes good money. Meanwhile I sleep in, roll into work late, leave early, sort of hate my current job, don’t know where I am going in life, slack off A LOT and make no money.

I am constantly exhausted, irritable, not eating properly, not exercising enough, and suffer from daily headaches and frequent migraines. A year and a half ago I developed anxiety and depression, went though a year of weekly therapy and now I am medicated.

Deep down I have known that my mind and body have been telling me something, telling me to leave. But I have ignored them and stayed.

I have reminded myself that I am lucky to have this life. I get paid (albeit very little) to just play around in a lab all day. I get tons of vacation. I come and go as I please. I am among the most highly educated and elite in the world. I convinced myself I was in my early twenties and was “paying my dues” and finishing my degree would open up so many doors for me. I’m so close. Why quit now?

I have felt for so long that if I left my job and quit grad school then I would be considered a failure at my own goals or a look like a quitter. I have been so focused on making it work because in my mind getting a PhD and being a scientist is too elite and important, who would ever quit?

Eventually, a few weeks ago, on a Tuesday, I started crying on my way into work. I had a headache and didn’t want to go. And I felt like shit for it. I felt lazy and tired and depressed. I reached a point where I had to make a change or I was going to lose it. On very day I decided I need a change. I need to be proactive about my future. I need to stop being scared of making a big change and take some steps toward happiness.

I knew that for things to get better in my life, I had to leave my job, and I had to get out of grad school.

That afternoon I made an appointment with my program administrators and told her that I wanted to leave my PhD program. And she looked into it and told me I could very easily leave at anytime with a masters degree. Ecstatic, I started applying for jobs. Then I announced to my friends and family that I intend to move on and not spend anymore time striving for a degree I don’t care about doing a job I don’t particularly like. And everyone was amazingly supportive, understanding and encouraging.

Armed with a new-found confidence, today I jumped over the last and biggest hurdle….I spoke with my boss. I told him how I have been feeling and what I would like to have happen.

And the talk went… amazing. He was so supportive and agreed 100% that I shouldn’t just stay and do the PhD if it isn’t in alignment with my goals or life desires. He wasn’t upset- we was supportive and kind. He loved the idea of my getting the masters and encouraged me to look into how that would happen as soon as possible. He commended me for being so insightful and reflective that I would come to these decisions, and even offered to keep me on as a paid employee if I haven’t found a job yet by the time I complete my master’s degree.

This is the happiest and most optimistic about my future that I have ever felt. Knowing that I am not stuck doing something I don’t want to do, that I have the support of my friends, family and even boss, that I can leave here with a masters degree and that I have a little bit of a safety net while I hunt for a new job… this is incredible. I couldn’t ask for a better outcome.

Off I go now to drop out of my program! Wish me luck ☺

chances are i'm going to hell for this...

My huge announcement!