Ugly Betty hates networking. You should, too.

I hate networking. Maybe you do, too. The good news is there’s another way.

People often ask me how to connect with influential people or what it takes to get a lot of people to know you.

First, I tell them what doesn’t work: forcing yourself on people who don’t know you and trying to get them to do something for you.

In a selfish world obsessed with celebrity, we need more generosity. We don’t need more rock stars; we need more servants. It may be the only thing that can save us from ourselves.

So my best tip for networking is this: serve people. Do you want to make a name for yourself? Start by helping someone.

When networking feels sleazy

In most fields, you’re supposed to network with your peers. This allows you to stay updated on what’s new in your industry and helps you keep a healthy list of friends and prospective clients.

Not too long ago, I saw an episode of Ugly Betty in which the main character is forced go out and network. She absolutely hates it. It feels phony for her to walk around a bar and have trivial, three-minute conversations concluding in a quick exchange of business cards.

And it is phony.

No real connection is made; no breakthroughs occur. No one is looking out for anyone but himself. It’s a futile exercise in self-promotion, leaving everyone feeling sleazy.

A lot of people feel that way about networking — whether they be salespeople, pastors, or entrepreneurs. They know that they need to reach out, but the way we’ve been taught just feels wrong.

Why you still need people

Everywhere you turn, there is someone telling you that you ought to network. And they’re right. You can’t throw the baby out with the bath water. We can’t succeed without the help of others. We need each other. And that’s all networking is: connecting with people whom you can help and who can help you.

You can’t grow in your influence if you don’t get to know more people and make more friends. But perhaps, we’ve been going about it all wrong. Thankfully, how networking is often portrayed — how Betty saw it — isn’t the only way.

An alternative to networking

I’m shy and hate small talk. I’m not a very good networker. But I’ve learned a way of doing it that makes me feel like less of a sleaze: I network by doing favors for people.

If I see someone with a need that I can meet, I help that person. I may offer my advice or writing services or just my time. I may give away a great idea or connect two people who need to know each other. I try to do more than is expected, to go the extra mile.

And for some reason, this surprises people.

You can do this, too

Here’s a thought: Instead of a me-first approach to networking, try a you-first one. It’s not passing out business cards, but it does the job. This form of networking yields two results:

1. It feels good. Can you believe that? Helping people actually feels good. Novel concept, huh?
2. It leads to people doing favors for you. Remember that old adage, “What goes around, comes around”? Well, it’s true. You don’t do favors for something in return. However, if you help enough people fulfill their dreams, they’ll eventually help you with yours. Generosity is contagious.

Don’t you want to be known as the kind of person who does favors for people, who puts others before his own needs? I do. Maybe it begins with just a few of us paying it forward and seeing how that can be multiplied.

All I know is my arm is tired of patting myself on the back. I need another way.

This makes you a better person

Some people believe you have be selfish in order to succeed. That in order to be a good networker, you have to look out for yourself. I disagree. The best networker is a servant. Everything else is just sleazy self-promotion, and in the long run, it doesn’t work.

Zig Ziglar once said:

You can have everything you want in life, if you help enough other people get what they want.

The fruit of this approach speaks for itself. If you build a reputation as the person who helps people, what do you think that will do for your business or your brand — and how people think of you? Conversely, if you’re known as the guy or girl who’s always name-dropping and speaking in the first person, what do you think that will get you?

In the end, this is the most pragmatic way to network. But it’s also the most fulfilling way to live. So if you’ve grown tired of networking, try something else. Try serving someone. It’s its own reward.

What are your best tips for networking? Share in the comments.

Photo credit: Chiyo Takaaki (Creative Commons)

When I met my wife, I was more interested in dating her roommate. As we became friends, I began to notice her and soon realized what a catch she was. After that, it was a no-brainer to chase her down to Tennessee and marry that girl. But coming to this realization took time.

Truth is I can’t remember the first time Ashley and I met. But I do remember the hundred excuses I came up with to see her once I started liking her. It took both of us awhile before we started dating.

You see, it’s not the first impression that matters, but the fifth. The one after the few awkward exchanges at the beginning — that’s where real relationship happens.

Keep showing up

Few people practice this better than Seth Barnes. He doesn’t place a lot of weight on one-time meetings and personal charisma. He’s more of a long-distance guy than a relational sprinter.

In other words, he just keeps showing up in people’s lives. An email here, a phone call there. Gradually, over time, he earns your trust.

This is how he got me to come work for him — not because of any particular conversation that moved me, but by continually coming into my life at key moments. Pretty soon, I believed in him and wanted to serve his vision.

Where transformation happens

In our culture, we place a lot of unnecessary pressure on first impressions — job interviews and first days at school and first-time visits to churches.

But the truth is transformation happens long after introductions have been made. It’s when you’ve learned each other’s names and remembered a person’s hometown. That’s when you start making an impression.

Any good marketer knows this. The first time you encounter a message, you’re likely to forget it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a sports car, migraine medicine, or a brand-new book. As long as it’s new, it’s not memorable.

But somewhere after the fourth time you see it is when the words and images begin to resonate. Until then, you’re still a stranger.

Three steps to gaining more influence

So if you have a message to share, a brand to promote, or good news to tell, here’s what you need to do:

1. Show up. Get involved in a person’s life. Don’t place too much emphasis on the first impression, but make it a point to be there. This could be a party, an advertisement, or a face-to-face meeting.
2. Earn permission. Think of it like dating. Whether you’re at a networking event, a job interview, or starting a new blog, you need to ask for a second (and third and fourth) chance to prove yourself. Make this explicit.
3. Pay attention. It’s not just enough to show up in someone’s life (although that’s important). You also have to notice things like the person’s favorite flavor of ice cream and the type of car she drives. If you want to make a meaningful impression, you have to listen.

Do this with as many people as possible until you run out of time and energy. Give particular weight to the relationships you’ve been developing, and find ways to take them deeper.

When you do this, people notice. It matters to them, even if they don’t say so. What’s more, I know of no other way to make a difference in a person’s life. So what are you waiting for? Time to start caring.

What do you think? Do first impressions matter? Share in the comments.

*Photo credit: Chiyo Takaaki (Creative Commons)

Not a children’s author

Maurice Sendak didn’t write stories for children. His work was less doe-eyed from that of his contemporaries and sometimes described as “dark,” which may be the reason for his success. He was writing from the place where all good art comes from: the dark.

Raised in Brooklyn during World War II, young Maurice grew up quickly. Both his parents were European Jewish immigrants whose families were killed in the Holocaust. This knowledge shaped Sendak’s life and art in more ways that his readers probably understand:

It forced me to take children to a level that I thought was more honest than most people did… Because if life is so critical, if Anne Frank could die, if my friend could die, children were as vulnerable as adults, and that gave me a secret purpose to my work, to make them live. Because I wanted to live. I wanted to grow up.

Small grownups

Sendak’s protagonists are real — selfish and demanding, while still sensitive and insecure. His monsters are no different.

As a child, I gravitated to these stories of Pierre insisting on his ambivalence (“I don’t care!”) and the brave, but immature, Max who would rather tame wild beasts than eat his dinner. As an adult, I can still relate to them, because their struggles are no different from my own.

There is a rebellious streak in Sendak’s work (and life) that exemplifies this tension we all live in: the challenge of being our weird and wondeful ourselves while still being cognizant of the broken world around us. We must both grow up and remain innocent.

Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak

A scene from Spike Jonze’s film adaptation of Where the Wild Things Are illustrates this when one of the monsters asks Max, “Will you keep out all the sadness?” Of course, the answer is no. No one can keep out all the sadness. What we can do is what Sendak chose to do: refuse to give in to despair and create honest beauty instead.

Memorable quotes from Maurice

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the five-minute interview:

• “Why is Wild Things so much the book of my life? Who knows. I don’t know. People want to ask, ‘What’s there?’ A mystery is there. Maybe you like mysteries.”
• “…[A]rtists have to take a dive. And either you hit your head on a rock, and you split your skull and die. Or that blow to the head is so inspiring that you come back up and do the best work you ever did. But you have to take a dive, and you do not know what the result will be.
• “I don’t know how to write a children’s book.”
• “The magic of childhood is the strangeness of childhood — the uniqueness that makes us see things that other people don’t see.”

What will you remember about Maurice Sendak? Share in the comments.

Photo credit: Jim Hutchison (Creative Commons)

The search for meaning

We all want to be “epic” and don’t know why. Want to be important, to be needed.

We look at celebrities — famous people — and we envy them: their money, possessions, and prestige. We want their lives. But why?

What do celebrities seem to have that others do not? An audience. People who love them. So when we want the lives of actors and rock stars and millionaires, what are we really saying? That we wished someone loved us.

The tragedy

It goes without saying that this is tragic. Because not everyone can be a celebrity, and not everyone should. But we all should have someone to love us.

Success isn’t fame. And fame is hardly ever success. Success is about more than superficial standings or the number of Twitter followers you have.

Follow the latest celebrities, if you don’t believe me. See what “success” as done for them. Their stories are rife with pain and suffering and heartache. Abuse and addiction, divorce and failed relationships.

And this is what we want? Really?

Why not redefine “celebrity”?

If we’re envious of the lives celebrities seem to have, why not reconsider what we think it means to be famous? To earn attention? What about starting small with stardom?

Here’s an idea: Try being famous first in your own home before heading to Hollywood. Why not live a life worthy of praise from your friends and family before you try to appease critics?

Well, then. You might actually have something to make the celebrities envious. You might be rich, indeed.

Have you ever wanted to be a celebrity? Why or why not? Share in the comments.

*Photo credit: Jim Hutchison (Creative Commons)

$100 Startup By Chris Guillebeau

Jeff: What’s the $100 Startup about, and why is it needed?

Chris: Two things: first, it’s the collective story of 1,500 “unexpected entrepreneurs” who all started businesses without a lot of money or special skills. Second, it’s a blueprint for readers who want to create their own freedom by doing something they love.

It’s needed because people are dissatisfied. They want more from life than a soul-sucking job that takes their energy without providing much in return.

People have always been dissatisfied, of course, but they haven’t always known which steps to take to create independence. The book is an attempt at providing 300 pages of next steps.

Jeff: In the book, you tell stories of businesses you’ve seen launched on a bootstrapped budget all around the world. What was one of the most interesting ones?

Chris: The book includes a wide range of stories, from six-figure blogging businesses to retail shops. It’s hard to pick a favorite, but since you’re a writer, I’ll point you to Brett Kelly’s success.

Brett was a self-described geek who wrote the first eBook on Evernote, the free note-taking software. This project earned more than $100,000 in its first year, and allowed Brett and his family to get out of debt.

It’s an incredible success, of course, but in researching the book and talking to people, I heard story after story like Brett’s. It seems that success can indeed be replicated, if you take the right steps.

Jeff: You live your life, traveling the world and supporting yourself online. What is it about this lifestyle that attracts you, and what advice do you have for aspiring entrepreneurs?

Chris: Personally I couldn’t imagine doing it any other way. I’ve been self-employed for nearly 15 years and extensively traveling for 10 years. I love what I do and wouldn’t trade it for anything.

My advice to aspiring entrepreneurs is always focus on value. Value is one of those words that is often used without much definition. My definition is that value simply means “helping people.”

You aren’t likely to succeed as an entrepreneur, digital nomad, or whatever business goal you aspire to without helping people. In other words, you can do what you love, but you must find a way to connect that with other people’s needs.

Jeff: You’ve made a living, it seems, primarily through your words and ideas. What direction for writers do you have about how to support themselves professionally and financially? Is it really true that we’re all doomed to poverty?

Chris: Well, much the same advice for aspiring entrepreneurs also applies to writers, but with a key difference. More than anything else, the best writers continuously inspire us. We can also be educated through good writing, and we can also be entertained — but of all these things, inspiration tends to stick with us the most.

I like the quotation from Maya Angelou:

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Therefore, to make it as a writer, focus on making people’s lives better through inspiration. This can be done in fiction as well as non-fiction.

Jeff: How can people find the $100 Startup and support it?

Chris: It should be widely available in your favorite local bookstore, or it’s also offered through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and foreign translations are coming out throughout the world over the next year. (Affiliate links)

* * *

Have you ever launched a startup or wanted to launch one? What did it take — or, what’s holding you back? Share in the comments.

You hit SAVE, take another sip of the cup of coffee you’ve got sitting on your desk, and close the Word document that contains your just-completed magnum opus. You feel confident, smug even, because — let’s face it — there’s nothing quite like finishing a manuscript.

There’s only one problem: You’re in love with it. Even worse, you’re in love with yourself.

Photo credit: Pablo BM (Creative Commons)

Counter-intuitive? Maybe. True? Absolutely. When you fall in love with yourself as a writer, you hit a plateau in your talent which is impossible to escape from — until you hit rock bottom. Until the rug is pulled out from underneath your ego.

The trouble with being an artist

Part of the trouble with being an artist is that success is equated with fame. We infuse our creative process with delusions of grandeur in which our work is received with universal acclaim.

But let’s not kid ourselves: This will not happen.

What is likely, however, is this: Feeling self-satisfied, we will “finish” our projects without returning to them with an objective eye. At the peak of our creativity, breaking new ground (in our minds), we won’t bother making sure the work is good.

What happens next

Inflated with over-confidence, we submit our writing to contests, reviews, publishers, editors, agents — whomever we can coerce to read the unfiltered outpouring of our egos.

And they will reject it. Ignore it. Defame it. Lambaste it.

Once we’ve been thoroughly disgraced by our failure to impress others, we will retreat into timidity and bashfulness. And fall further into obscurity, bitterness, and self-doubt.

So if that’s where our ego will lead us, what should we do instead?

Don’t fall in love with yourself; fall in love with writing

Your convictions and affections should be tied to the act of writing, to the process itself, rather than the culmination of your efforts. If your ardor is solely for the work, you will be:

• less easily discouraged by negative feedback
• more eager to revise your work (because you know it is never really finished)
• more likely to impress your peers, because you are continually improving your process and honing your talent

Does this mean you shouldn’t be nervous when submitting a piece? That you shouldn’t have anything at stake when writing? Not at all. If you fall in love with writing, you will begin creating out of passion. When you do that, it is impossible to create something that isn’t close to your heart.

So, go. Fall in love with writing.  Write every day until you love it like breathing. And you will have done everything a writer and an artist can do.

How has your ego inhibited your writing? Share in the comments.

*Photo credit: Pablo BM (Creative Commons)

Although some have validity, most of our insecurities are unfounded and ridiculous. We just need to find a way move forward.

How I overcame self-doubt

It took a friend telling me I was a writer before I would believe it about myself. In fact, even after that I struggled. People had affirmed me my whole life. What really made a difference was when I began calling myself a writer.

It sounds crazy and can certainly be misapplied, but I know of no other way to get serious about your craft: Eventually, you just have to start believing it.

So are you a writer? Do you have something to say? A message to communicate? A voice worth hearing? Maybe it’s time you declared it to the world.

Video contest

For the next couple of weeks, I’m running a video contest for anyone who wants to declare himself or herself a writer. The most original video will win the following prizes:

• All formats of my new eBook, You Are a Writer (if you already have these, you can gift them to a friend)
• A new, not-yet-released audio series on writing and getting published
• A $100 Amazon gift card

Contest ends May 20th. You have to create a video and post it online in order to enter. For rules and details, see this page: You Are a Writer Video Contest

Here’s a slightly out-of-focus, stubbly, late-night version of me (pardon my voice crack), telling you more about it (if you can’t see the video, click here):

Yep. It’s gonna be pretty awesome. I can’t wait to see what crazy, fun ideas you come up with. Oh, and just a small note: You don’t have to read the eBook to enter, but it certainly doesn’t hurt. You can pick up a copy for $5 here.

Have you ever had to declare something about yourself before you would fully believe it? You can share in the comments or just get started with your video!

Since 2006, I’ve been a blogger and have helped thousands of people learn this craft of online publishing. Still, there are days when I feel very much like a newbie.

Photo credit: Felix Triller (Creative Commons)

When I quit my old blog and started a new one, I realized how much I didn’t know about blogging. So I decided to put together my own list of tips — stuff I started doing recently that I should’ve been doing since the beginning.

So whether you’re just getting started or have been blogging for awhile, here are 25 tips to help guide and direct you:

General

• No copy-catting. Stop trying to be like someone you admire and instead find out what unique offering you have.
• Tell the truth. Never lie, mislead, or cajole. Trust is slowly earned and easily lost.
• Be awesome. There’s enough mediocrity out there. Stop adding to the noise, and do something outstanding.
• Give yourself grace. Be patient; it takes time to find your voice.
• Pick a theme. But realize readers will stick around for your voice, not your subject.

Growth and community

• Don’t measure stats too early. If you’re obsessing over daily numbers and you’re only a few months into your blogging journey, you’re wasting your time. It’s still too early to pay close attention to trends. After that, make sure you have Google Analytics installed.
• Make your content easy to share. The majority of content that’s shared online is done through social networks like Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, LinkedIn, and others. You should make this easy for your readers to tell their friends about you. (A WordPress plugin I recommend is DIGG DIGG.)
• Encourage community. Write unfinished posts, and ask your community to complete the conversation.
• Never underestimate the importance of networking. If you’re not connecting regularly with readers and other bloggers, you’re missing out.
• Guest post, guest post, guest post. (Enough said.)

Writing

• Write timeless content. On the web, old content is perceived as irrelevant. Don’t write a newspaper; create a resource. (This is, incidentally, why I intentionally don’t put dates on my posts.)
• Don’t write too little or too much. Generally, I try to write at least 300 words and no more than 1000 words. More than that, though, only write as many words as it takes and cut the rest.
• Have a point. Don’t just word-vomit on your audience.
• Write with conviction. Pick a side and be bold. And if you’re wrong, admit it.
• Short sentences win.

Motivation and inspiration

• Don’t give up. Bloggers who stick with it ultimately win.
• Write as often as possible. Constantly capture ideas and turn them into posts. A tool that may help is Evernote.
• Expect critics. A few people hating you is a sign you’re doing something right. Be prepared.
• Find ways to regularly get inspired. This is the only way you can inspire others. When you’re empty, fill yourself up. Don’t neglect this.
• Realize you can only create or react. At any give time, make sure you know which one you’re doing.

Miscellaneous

• Write for scanners. We live in a busy, distracted world. Don’t demand attention; earn it.
• Build an email list. If you ever want to sell or promote something, having people’s email addresses (and their permission to use them) is essential.
• Invest in a good web design. Bad design can get in the way of good content.
• Be generous. Give away more information, content, and ideas than you’re comfortable with. People will reward you. Link to others, but never let someone pay you to do so.
• Watch what experts do. Not just what they say.

These are my 25 tips. You probably have 25 of your own. And that’s okay, because I’ve realized that everyone needs to approach blogging in their own way. That’s part of the fun. Feel free to add to this list in the comments.

Special thanks to my friend Frank Viola’s list of “Advice for Bloggers,” which inspired this one.

What blogging tips would you add? Share in the comments.

*Photo credit: Felix Triller (Creative Commons)

There was just one problem: I didn’t believe any of it.

Photo credit: David Goehring (Creative Commons)

Telling all these stories and promoting all these causes, I began to experience some serious cognitive dissonance. I no longer bought into the message I was preaching. Why? Because life happened. And at some point I had grown cynical.

What was a thrill for some had become a desk job for me. What was a life-changing adventure in the lives of others was nothing more than a series of spreadsheets in mine.

Stuck at a computer for eight hours a day while others had the time of their lives, I finally gave up. I complained to my wife, telling her it wasn’t fair. Not one to be patient with whiners, she said, “Well, go do something!”

So I did.

The plight of storytellers

This is a common occurrence among marketers and mobilizers. People whose roles are more “behind the scenes” tend to struggle with their work at some point. It’s hard to serve someone else’s vision for so long without having one of your own. It feels like you’re unappreciated, but the reality is much harder to swallow.

For me, the irony of working for a mission organization but rarely getting to travel outside the country was too much to bear. I was telling an amazing story but living a mediocre one. Something had to change.

The temptation here is to blame your boss or your job or the entire organization. For not caring, not paying attention, not knowing. But the truth is it’s no one’s fault but your own.

I was the one to blame for being boring. I was the one holding me back. And I was the one who had to do something about it.

The cure for disillusionment

Living vicariously through the adventures of others is what we scribes, writers, and bards do. Frankly, it’s your job, and somebody’s gotta do it. However, sometimes you just have to get out there and live your own story. That’s what I did, and it changed everything.

Here are three ways I learned to do that — and how you can, too:

1. Embrace the extraordinary nature of ordinary life. Look around you — you’re living a miracle. Every day is a gift; treat is as such, even when it feels like a discipline. Remember: Without the people in the dark, the person in the spotlight doesn’t shine.
2. Find ways to be remarkable, wherever you are. Mother Teresa said, “We can do no big things, only small things with love.” Take out your neighbor’s trash; go for a walk. Don’t just sulk; seek ways to make today amazing.
3. Live a better story. Ditch your excuses and find a way to travel, even if it’s only across town. Serve the less-fortunate through a mission trip or service project, even if it’s in your own back yard. Do something unexpected, like skydiving or planning a surprise date for your spouse. You have opportunities; use them.

If you feel like the work you do is taken for granted, you’re probably right. But that’s what you signed up for. That’s what it means to serve, to tell somebody else’s story. Deal with it, or be done with it.

But make no mistake: You do have a choice: You can find ways to make your work incredible — like my friend, Jeremy, a doctor, dad, and blogger who somehow finds a way to take trips to Kenya in his free time. Or you can do something else.

What isn’t an option is for you to sit around and whine about it. That was never an option.

Have you stopped believing the stories you tell? What are you doing about it? Share in the comments.

*Photo credit: David Goehring (Creative Commons)

Photo credit:

For the longest time, I was afraid to be who I was. I was trying to live someone else’s dream. But one day a friend came along and told me the words I was longing to hear:

You are a writer. You just need to write.

Then something amazing happened: I began to live into my true calling. Friends, family, coworkers all saw it. They encouraged and affirmed my passion, which only fueled my pursuit even more. I began to do better work and enjoy life more. My wife saw this, too.

Don’t rob the world

Through this experience, I realized something: When we forsake our dreams for the sake of others, we deprive the world of a gift.

I’ve had my fair share of fears in my life. I’ve been timid and intimidated. Shy and apprehensive. But even when I’m acting courageously, those feelings have never gone away.

I recently interviewed a preacher who had delivered thousands of sermons in his lifetime. When I asked if he still gets nervous, he said, “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t anxious.”

You know that fear you feel when you’re about to do something great? That never goes away. Turns out, the truly courageous ones just learn to name that feeling and move anyway.

When I stepped into my passion, I was afraid, but I decided to do something despite how I felt. And it made all the difference. I realized:

• Real failure isn’t as bad as we imagine.
• When you pursue your passion, the universe makes room for your dream.
• People love following courage.

Live your dream

I wrote about this as a guest post on Michael Hyatt’s blog. Here’s an excerpt:

After years of procrastinating, I finally pursued my dream. I decided to become a writer. To my surprise, I saw success far more quickly than expected: I launched a popular blog, got a publishing contract, and found my true fans—all within a year.

How did this happen? Simple. I believed in the dream before it happened. I didn’t wait for fear to go away; I started living into the reality I was longing for.

Read the rest here: How to Live Your Dream When You’re Scared to Death

Updates on You Are a Writer

By the way, here’s a few updates on my new eBook, which launched this week:

• You Are a Writer hit the Amazon Best Sellers list in a few categories.
• It’s now available on Nook.
• John Saddington is doing a giveaway for the eBook on his blog.
• The eBook already has over 50 five-star reviews. If you’d like to help, you can leave a review and click the “like” button at the top of the Amazon page.
• The price of the Golden Quill Package, which includes all the eBook formats, will go up after this weekend. Get it here.

When was the last time you were afraid — and did something anyway? Share it in the comments.

*Photo credit: Trevor Leyenhorst