A Word Before We Begin

This blessons (blog-lesson) is inspired by a documentary on Paramhansa Yogananda on Netflix entitled Awakening– (watch it if you haven’t already!)

There are so few role models for to learn from and for us to see what it means to live a whole, integral, spiritual and fulfilling life – and Paramhansa’s presence is still here – via the documentary – as a phenomenal role model to show us how!

Watch Awake!

After watching the documentary, I am left thinking about one thing that really has my attention. Paramhansa went out of his way – in every imaginable way—to help and teach the west. I can identify with his phrasing of coming to the “city jungle” and feeling that trees wouldn’t survive. It speaks to me because I feel like I can’t breath when I’m up to my neck in city, stress and m-band -like e stuff. Whereas being somewhere, like the beach, or a place that is comfortable but has nature’s presence, allows me to tap into the flow. I feel like I can breath, like life is more than good. Like I can sense myself and I exist. It is similar to the way I feel when I’m writing. I suppose it has everything to do with focusing on me versus my outer world.

Back to Paramhansa, I’m just not sure that he was fully satisfied with life – and I’m fully aware that I’m projecting here (meaning I may be seeing what I feel, not what’s actually there). I’m not satisfied with life, with the madness, the lack of authenticity and with how difficult it is for me to connect or stay connected. For him, I feel like he dedicated his whole self to helping the western world and in return a hydrogen bomb was dropped in WWII. Maybe the bomb and war would have been much worse if not for him, and maybe he knew this, but it still sounds like a hard blow when you are teaching self-realization and, in this way, promoting peace. He certainly had disappointments, such as not making it back in time to say goodbye to his dying mother and his guru, Sri Yukteswar. On the other hand, his life was divinely guided and I see that he had some reminders (events that occurred in India) to focus his attention within. As such, when he returned to the US he spent days in meditation.

One pivotal moment for Paramhansa must have been when he realized he was always home, no matter where he went, because he was always with himself and God; thus balancing the focus within and the disappointments of life.

I have to say, I just looked up and saw a photo in Starbucks. It is of two men on a truck in a tropical mountain – I guess going to the coffee beans. It’s green and I can almost hear the tropical buzz. I want to be there. I like all the travel I have done to places, especially in Mexico and Bali, (where I felt like life – the one created by the Creator, not the stressful rat-race called life)- was present. Nature’s presence – similar to self-presence. When you hear nature’s sounds, like the buzzing jungle or the crashing waves, you are drawn into the flow of well being. In a city where nature is silenced, there can be an absence of well being. It’s like the movie ‘Pleasantville’: In the movie, life was black and white until people tapped into passion, when life took on color and vibrancy. Sometimes I feel that life is dull in black and white when nature’s flow is absent; life returns to full color when that natural flow of well being, nature’s presence, is present.

That brings me to a dilemma: what is best for my spiritual and personal path? Is it a life closer to nature or a life in the big city where my challenge is to stay connected to my authenticity? On the one hand, nature holds authenticity for you, on the other hand, you have to be able to expand and build things in your life, but there’s not much to build in nature. Was Paramhansa glad he gave his life to living in the city-jungles of the US, which proved to bring him great challenges? Or would he have been better off spending his life meditating in the Himalia’s? By picking the apple, did Eve take she and Adam into the city jungle? Or did Eve’s apple enable them to go build something? Rephrased, was the apple the doorway to self-development that was not afforded in nature, in the garden of Eden?

Here’s the thing: Paramhansa’s said that he realized that either was fine, where he chose to live his life didn’t matter. He still developed himself and fulfilled his life purpose. For many of us to fulfill our life’s purpose, we have to develop ourselves and we aren’t able to do so without living in the city-jungle. Even though it is distracting to our self-realization, it provides the challenges of life that force us to grow and increase our connection to ourselves, which can lead to self-realization. Paradox: distracting us leads to realizing us. Yes, well, the more you experience who and what you are not, the more you begin to realize what you truly are. It is a slow process, like walking around in a dark room to try to figure out what room you are in. So, I always seek to speed up the process, as do my students.

Self Presence & The Garden of Eden

My teachers used the phrase self-presence and, for years, this made no sense to me. I couldn’t comprehend the idea of being here. It was a given, wasn’t it?

“Yes, I am here” – I would say, “So, I’m self-present?”

“No.”

Then they would say it was an energetic thing – and my understanding of what self-presence is, would lessen.

“How do I bring my energy here? I thought it was always with me. I’m here, right? Wait– what?”

Conclusion: ‘I’m confused. That’s all I know, but I knew more before class today.’- I would think to myself.

That’s what it was like for me. In case you can identify, I’m going to come at it from a different angle, from the two men on the truck in the jungle-photo-angle:

Read the full blog here

The post Paramhansa’s Glowing Eyes appeared first on Living In The Flow.

Lesson 3 – Next: lesson 4

Here’s a great challenge for you – define personal power. If my daughter asks, ‘What does ironic mean?’ or ‘Why did they get divorced?’ I get a bit tongue-tied. I promise you, I do know what ‘ironic’ means and I know why her friend’s parent’s divorced, but explaining these concepts to a child is like trying to explain to my Chihuahua why she doesn’t need to bark at the wind!
However, with personal power, most people are like my daughter or our Chihuahua. They lack the reference points to begin to understand it, so explaining or defining personal power can be next to impossible. They may think it has something to do with having values, affecting other people or being able to make things happen. The problem is that having values alone doesn’t do anything, manipulating people is also affecting others and forcing something to happen all fall under these descriptions. We could even say that a bully could have values, affect others and make things happen, but a bully comes from displaced anger, not necessarily personal power.
These definitions have something to do with power, but you’ll have no true personal power without a few other things such as the energy of personal power and intent.
Let’s look at what personal power looks like:

“A Little Brown Man”

What a way to describe Gandhi, right? Actually, I guess it was divinely perfect that he was ‘little’ because it further illustrates his personal power.
At his memorial service, he was described as a man who had nothing – no land, no title, no fortune. I bet you’re thinking that’s wrong – I was! No land? He lead a country’s independence, how could he not have land or a title? And then you are reminded that he cleaned toilets! Let’s sort through and make sense of all of this.
Gandhi is easily the greatest example of personal power. He has aspects of personal power, like coming from his values and having the energy and intention within him. He resonates personal power so that you can see it, feel it, sense it. Ben Kingsley did a fantastic job of playing Gandhi and bringing that sense of personal power forward. If you haven’t watched the movie Gandhi, I recommend it highly.
First let’s get to the basic idea Gandhi had, which was that citizens of the empire (of England) should all have equal rights. He should be able to buy a first class train ticket and ride in the first class car and he should be able to walk down the street on a sidewalk next to a white person.
Gandhi’s belief was based on his value that (as the bible said) all people are children of God, and he felt this was worth fighting for.
So, Gandhi had a conviction that came from within himself that was based on his belief and value. I like the word conviction here because it begins to suggest a force, which was energetic for Gandhi.
Sometimes to paint a picture (of personal power, in this case), contrast is a good way to understand black in the presence of white. So, let’s look at an example of someone who also has conviction based on beliefs and values, but lacks personal power. For the purpose of our blog and our lesson on personal power, her name is Teal… Teal, someone who worked for me, was a very nice, helpful and intelligent woman. She held many convictions about how the world should be and was vocally against things like big oil companies, which she’d warn you against, or harmful chemicals in things like GMOs. However, like a dog who’s bark is bigger than their bite, her strong convictions, beliefs and values didn’t go any further than a Fb post or a heated conversation.
This brings me to an interesting point in life: you and I are limited.

Passive-Aggressive

We can’t have 100 convictions or intentions. We can’t be for several good causes and really do them any good. There are people who you can classify as being full of hot air in the sense that they say a lot, but that’s as far as they go. They have 101 convictions and grievances in life, and they’ll tell you all about them, but that’s it. There is now power within them as they are neither affecting themselves or their lives. That’s not to say that we aren’t entitled to our own opinions, but my point here is that hot air doesn’t look good on anyone; people recognize that you are fluffing your feather to look strong (and maybe smart) but, unlike a bully, you aren’t doing anything about it. Subconsciously, we dismiss this kind of person because we know they complain a lot and lack personal power.
This kind of person tends to be passive aggressive because they take little to no action, the passive side, but are aggressive in their words or actions with others. Similar to the bully, this too is displaced anger.

Having a Cause

Then there are people who are all for their cause, putting action behind the power of their conviction. They feel, for example, that testing on animals is wrong (I don’t disagree), so they break into laboratories and free monkeys at night, destroying as much of the lab as possible. Two of the problems with having a cause are that the cause often has nothing to do with you and your life; second (which is almost always true, but not always) people who have a cause use force and cohesion to better the cause, and this is another form of bullying.
See, there was a reason Gandhi didn’t just allow the mob to take on a mob mentality and fight the English soldiers when he was rallying the troops. Within his values, Gandhi realized that his belief dictated that he value himself enough to be treated equally. In valuing himself, he wasn’t going to turn into a bully, a violent man or an angry one . He was going to be a man with and of value, which required him to have integrity, not anger. He held his belief, that he was equal, and didn’t turn himself into an a soldier or a warrior.
We see, then, that one way Gandhi held his personal power was by holding himself. He never sacrificed who he was. There are a lot of shows on TV about someone who joins the FBI or the police force or such and winds up doing things they never thought they would do, like killing people or lying and manipulating others. The idea is that once they are ‘in’ the covert world they entered, things are different and they have to play by a different set of rules. This changes them and they lose their values – In Person of Interest, John (one of the main characters) is ex-CIA or ex-covert ops. He’s extremely good at what he does, but he’s complete lost a sense of himself and of having his own life – and it has everything to do with having sacrificed his beliefs and values because of what he’s had to do in his career. In the show, he is now a vigilante with new values to try to help the world, but one struggle in the show is still the loss of his sense of self. He has personal power because he has tapped into a new conviction – of being a vigilante.

The First Causality

You have to know yourself when you create your own values, which turn into beliefs, and when you do, personal power has everything to do with honoring this in yourself. Gandhi allowed himself to be beat, jailed, humiliated…. But he never sacrificed himself. Cool, right? Amazing, moving and inspiring! (If you’re not inspired, watch the movie, maybe I’m not capturing it well enough
In the movie when talking to a large group of men about the movement, his words were something like ‘we can be beat and jailed and I’m willing to dye for this, but no matter what they do to us, they can’t take our obedience.’ In other words, no matter what you did to Gandhi, you didn’t own him, his spirit, his will. He also said ‘for this reason, we can’t lose.’ When you have all the ingredients for personal power, you can’t lose. It’s true and it’s very important to remember because this truth can help you keep at whatever you are after.
The prize personal power brings is the ability to live who you are, as illustrated by Gandhi.

There’s no Power Where There’s no Intent

So, our recipe for personal power includes self-presence (LINK AT BOTTOM), which is the personal part that brings your energy forward, and intent. Your intention has to be about something, since you intend to do or be something.
You can intend to pressure or bully someone; you can make things happen (so that you are living your beliefs). How you go about your intent has everything to do with personal power.

A Subtle Difference: Making & Forcing

Ok, right now, I’m unhappy with the word ‘making’. I need another word because ‘making’ can look like forcing. True personal power taps you into the flow of you (or your Source Energy, God, Higher Self, the universe…) and when you are in that flow, you are more powerful because now the universe is conspiring to support you. Back to Gandhi, he was joined by many people, such as a priest, who believed in equality too and they believed in Gandhi so much so that some left their lives to dedicate themselves to Gandhi’s cause. This is what it means to influence others.
It is also ‘making’ it happen, but a better way of phrasing it would really be ‘allowing ‘ it to happen. Gandhi allowed people to join him, sometimes because he rallied the troops, other times because they heard about him and asked to join him. Personal power requires action, but not necessarily force. Gandhi had personal power, the mafia had guns. Both had intent. The point: when it applies to personal power, intention is about allowing things to happen (as you simultaneously take actions) because, when you are tapped into universal power, the universe and life seem to be on your side, just like the priest, helping you change your life in accordance to your values and who you are.

Recap

To read the full blog, click here

The post The Energy of Personal Power & Gandhi appeared first on Living In The Flow.

Part2: What is self-presence and how does a skinny mirror blur your self-presence?

How perfect. Yesterday was Halloween, so imagine a ghost. They keep doing the same thing and don’t necessarily notice you. I suppose you could say they are more like a zombie, just groaning and going though the motions.

Now contrast this with someone like Einstein or Donald Trump. They are very self-present. They get your attention just because they command it, just by showing up. They are in their bodies, you could also say that they are aware of their bodies, and they know what they are doing. They are present. They are aware of themselves and that creates an energetic presence, a place of power, in them.

While We Are On The Halloween Theme

Now I want you to shift your focus to the idea of a fun house and their crazy mirrors. Those mirrors distort your image, making you thinner or shorter, fatter, taller and such.

In part 1 of this blog I said:

“The problem is that life – ironically—is on the inside, not the outside. The story of your life and the way you experience your life are born in you, not outside you.”

I was watching Shark Tank and an entrepreneur came up with a ‘skinny mirror’ that is meant to take 5 pounds off your reflection. She claimed that most mirrors add weight and that it helps us to see ourselves as thin so that we feel good about ourselves. She also said she’s sold a lot of these mirrors to clothing stores. Hmm.

It’s a great idea, except for one thing. She’s selling rose-coated mirrors.

The greatest problem with altering how you see things is that it takes you outside of you. And we’ve said that life is on the inside – perhaps you’ve heard that happiness is an inside job—and we’ve said that people with self-presence are very present in themselves (not an image outside of themselves that is inaccurate).

See, a ghost is chasing something outside of themselves. Most often they are stuck chasing something outside, which is why they haven’t moved on. A ghost keeps looking outside themselves to change or fix something like an event or a person from their lives. Of course, now that they are dead, they can’t change or fix anything.

The same is true of your weight or any other problem you have right here and right now. You can wear beer goggles, rose-colored glasses or look in a skinny mirror, but these things take away from your own self-presence because they have you looking at and focusing on what you are not or what you are not experiencing. If you’ve heard that life is an illusion, the Maya of life, then you might see that focusing on what-is-not is validating the illusion – as opposed to you.

Be Here, Be Present & Don’t Be Ghastly

I think I’ve heard it said that the world belongs to those who dare to dream. But something is missing, isn’t it? We’ve all dreamed at some point or another and if the world doesn’t belong to you yet, then keep reading.

How are we to dream? That’s what’s missing. You need to be present for your dream, you need to recognize that dreaming occurs where life does, on the inside. You need to know that focusing on the illusion by sugar-coating life or looking in a skinny mirror only adds to the dichotomy of life: you’re either fat or thin; rich or poor; black or white.

Actually, no, you’re not. Don’t believe what you see through your distorted vision because that is the illusion and the illusion, by definition, is meant to trick you. It is meant to give you something that is not real, something that is illusionary and has no substance.

Touch your hand to you leg and feel yourself, bringing your focus and attention to you. You are grey, meaning that you are capable of touching way more shades than just black and white. You are capable of experiencing way more things that the same thing and you are able to dream and reach for so much more in your life—when you focus on you.

Put on those mirrored glasses so that you are focused on you. Live your life according to you and try not to be influenced by anyone else’s skinny mirror, rose glasses or beer-enhancing vision.

Instead, see you as you are and see the cosmic being that is within you; be aware of you and what you genuinely or authentically think and feel because you are the source of your self-presence, of your personal power and of your own amazing life.

The post Part 2: Mirrored Glasses appeared first on Living In The Flow.

TMI

They say stranger things have happened, but I’ll let you decide. Let’s see, how do I go about telling you, without my blog becoming so personal that you’re like ‘TMI, Kalyn, TMI!” (TMI – too much information, as in you’ve given too much). On the other hand, the wonderful thing about reading is that you are offered a vicarious journey as you see through the windows of someone else’s life. So, here goes.

Agreements Are Rarely Broken

I don’t remember having this thought, which is often the case, but yesterday I suddenly had an epiphany about one of my best friends growing up. Long story short, we met in 3^rd grade but around college her agreement about me kicked in. She took on the mindset of her new school and I was no longer good enough. We are still friends, and still have an annual phone call, but since going to a private college she’s never seen me as an equal.

Unlike legal contracts, people make relationship agreements which they rarely break. They enter unwritten and unspoken agreements (which can be subconscious –mostly- or conscious) in which they play a role with one another. As children it was a bit different, but once my friend was older and more aware of agreements, I was less-than because one agreement at her private college was that they were superior to others. For a long time I have been a token friend, what else could I be? Like I said, we communicate once a year, at best. We aren’t even FB friends (and if that doesn’t show the frailty of our friendship, what would?).

Then all of a sudden I think of a girlfriend who dissolved her marriage last year. She was expecting to stay close to her husband, but now I understand why her relationship with her ex has degraded, why he isn’t being so nice to her anymore: my friend’s marriage paralleled my old elementary school friendship. He’s like my 3^rd grade friend! It’s totally not true (just metaphorically), but you could say that my girlfriend’s marriage had the same kind of agreements as my friendship with my best friend in 3^rd grade! In both relationships (her marriage and my childhood friendship) the original agreements have been broken, breaking these relationships like shattered glass.

Shattered glass? Why so drastic? Isn’t shattered glass un-fixable? Yes and that is why I’m painting that picture. My girlfriend, call her Blue (a random name to keep anonymity), really threated to shatter her husband’s existence although she thought she was just ending the marriage. But it was much more than their relationship in his eyes. To him, she was also rejecting who he was. See, initially when they got together, he was better than her (like my elementary friend who decided she was better than me during college), because Blue and I were judged to come from lesser upbringings. I say judged because that’s all it is, a judgement, and you have to be a psychologist to really say whether one family’s conditioning is better or worse than another. That could be a blog, or a book, itself, so suffice it to say that my upbringing wasn’t perfect, nor was hers or anyone else’s. On the other hand, I didn’t go to a private college, which diminished how she saw me, regardless of what public college I went to and how well I did. Judgments are never logical or fair; they are only about making the judge feel better about themselves.

You are who you choose to be; granted, your experiences affect your choices. If you are going to be judged, it should be based on who you are and the choices you’ve made. Back to Blue:

Well, Blue’s husband came as his own package (and we all have our own package, or you can call it baggage). You might have brown hair and green eyes, believe in God or ghosts and hold countless other values and beliefs that people close to you are not allowed to discredit or disprove. Blue’s husband believed his roots were superior including the people, their beliefs and values, that was his package. Blue initially agreed, and agreement was what their relationship was initially built on. In the agreement he was wise and made good choices, despite anything contradictory that reality might have presented. He would make the choices, since he was wiser, and she would agree because at the time she didn’t have enough faith in herself and leaned on him to make good choices in life. This was his contribution and his role in the marriage, hers were different. For many years this is how their relationship worked which meant he set the spending budgets, he decided how much money they saved and he chose what religion their daughter was going to follow and where they went on vacation. You can’t blame him though because this was what they had unconsciously agreed on. Initially this is what she liked about him, this was what she valued that he brought to the relationship.

So, years later when Blue was becoming more of her own person (mind you, with her own package because, like I said, we all come as a package), this caused waves. She was no longer so quick to agree that her husband was always right. She actually thought she was right some of the time (go figure) and she wanted to spend however much she needed or saw fit when shopping or at dinner. She had ideas now about their finances and making positive changes. Finally, Blue decided that she had value in and of herself and that her ideas were just as brilliant and valid- maybe better. She wanted to make some of the decisions that governed their lives, and certainly wanted to make decisions regarding things that directly affected her life.

Well this was trouble because Blue was amending their relationship agreements so this caused waves in their marriage, but they weathered the storm. When the waves became larger still, she wanted more from life and moved out because, she felt, he didn’t respect her, value her and her ideas.

Blue didn’t just end the marriage, she inadvertently threated everything that her husband believed; she threated his package, the very foundation of his life. In essence, she was saying that his package was filled with ideas that she no longer believed, could follow or could validate. She saw that she wanted more and wanted to have more power over herself and in her marriage; from his perspective, she didn’t just reject him, she rejected everything they had believed in and valued for many years. Worse still, she rejected the personality aspects that he valued most about himself and, for no good reason that he could see, she changed because now her values (valuing him) had changed.

And that, my friend, is why relationships are tricky. There’s always more going on that meets the eye, but few see it. People think that they want to feel more loved and leave their marriage when it’s really about wanting more empowerment and validation, in this case.

I was similar, I didn’t agree that my elementary friend was better than me, because I was too naïve to realize that this was in question. I also wasn’t keen enough to be aware that my school was not as exclusive as hers, since mine carried plenty of clout too (if you asked me). Back then I was in a bit of a world all my own. Please don’t feel sorry for me, I’ve done my share of judging too and I certainly didn’t feel victimized by her. As a matter of fact, I always figured we just grew apart because I didn’t really jive with the choices she made in life, so I didn’t recognize what was really going on at the time. Ironically, I was right, we did grow apart because the initial relationship agreements changed which broke the friendship. I was just clueless as to why and how she perceived me (and still does).

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Remember that game of pulling petals from a flower to find out whether or not you are loved? Poor flowers… Talk about nonsense.

There is no flower’s petal that I can pull to tell me what will happen next…

See, the agreements in my marriage are changing. I have seen my husband’s behavior changing over the last couple of months and it was making a part of me insecure. Then I realized that the part of me that is feeling insecure is feeling this way because it sees the agreements in our marriage changing.

Agreements form the basis of any relationship because we use them to define and determine our understanding of how we are to relate to the other person. Agreements come in all forms: I’m the mother and I’ll take care of you, you’ll do as I say; you’re the boss and you’ll tell me what to do, I’ll do it; I’m the waiter and I’ll take your order, you’ll order food – but don’t break that agreement by asking me if you can keep the specialty dish that the crème brule comes in because our agreement is for me to bring you food, not help you steal dishes!

People don’t like it when you try to change or break agreements because then they no longer know how to relate to you or, worse still, they don’t know how to think of themselves when new agreements threaten to dis-spell their beliefs and values about themselves.

For these reasons relationship agreements rarely change and, when they do, both people have to agree to change and take on new agreements. You can see this at play when you watch improvisation actors: when improvisation topic changes, they take on new agreements which can come across as new mannerisms, new things they say about themselves, new ideas they bring forward – even a new voice or clothes! The other actors have to go along and react, changing the agreements about the role they are playing too.

When only one person is changing the agreements, whether the changes are beneficial or, the relationship often ends because the other person isn’t ready or willing to change their agreements.

For K and I, one of our core relationship agreements is that we’ll do what is best for ourselves and our personal development above all. Sometimes this is a wonderful thing because we are, thus, both dedicated to being better people today than we were yesterday and this has positive effects on the other. It can also be hard at times, like now, because I see K changing and improving his life. I’m glad and it is a wonderful thing, but he is making new agreements with himself an his life. How will those agreements affect our relationship agreements? What will happen to me?

The Same Ride

When two people are sharing their hearts and souls, they change together. Your love and your lives are intertwined and when you have become soulmates (because you have bared your soul to one-another and merged physically, emotionally, mentally and energetically), and soulmates often grow together. You will share dreams and adversities, and you will evolve your relationship agreements as needed because in a lot of ways, you are a one.

K and I have always grown together. Often one of us will take a step or two forward, but this creates a force that helps brings the other forward too so that we end up side-by-side again. We tend to want to head in the same directions in life and we tend to have the same desires (almost at the same time), like when we both decided that we wanted to move to Florida after building our dream home in Santa Fe.

This time, however, we are working on ourselves. See, each person still has to be their own person. People get carried away with the idea that you become a one and they don’t realize that this one has two wholes, like the yin and yang symbol. We each have to be our own person, dedicated to our own development and our own lives, to then come together to make a whole.

We work on ourselves all of the time, but it is different this time. I can tell that the changes he is undergoing are highly beneficial and that they are re-defining his world. I can tell that things will never be the same again – on the other hand, things always change. Another paradox: relationship agreements rarely change, there’s always change and the changes occurring now are rare. I’m all about navigating those paradoxes because somewhere they make sense and they make life work out in ways that are always better than I could have imagined.

The Teachable Moment

Life is change, it’s never not changing. People who don’t like change are threatened by it because it might force them to see themselves or their lives differently. It will certainly force you to have a different experience. Who can blame those who don’t like change? Sooner or later, life does threaten you. The difference between people who seem to do well with and like change versus those who don’t is that the people who like change are more invested in themselves. That’s to say that they are more connected with who they are and, at deeper levels, you are who you are and no one can take that away from you, not even life (or death).

When you are confident and you believe in you, then the only changes life can bring are beneficial changes. Then it really is all good and only getting better.

The most important agreements that you hold are the agreements about yourself. Be sure that you are uplifting you and being good to you. Be sure that you like you or make changes so that you do.

Because life is always happening and changing. To tap into the flow and live the riches of life you have to realize that regardless of what happens, your experience is always a better one when you’ve agreed to do what’s best for you and what helps you grow and evolve as you journey through life.

The post Update: Can You Agree to Love Me? appeared first on Living In The Flow.

It’s Not Beer Goggles Nor Rose Colored Glasses

So you’ve heard of 20/20 vision, you’ve heard of beer goggles (when people look better than they are because you’ve had too many beers) and rose colored glasses (insisting that all is pretty in pink and peachy keen, when – it ain’t).

Well, if you are reading this, then it’s time to think about and feel good about some mirrored glasses. These would be glasses that allow you to see life as it is, but most of the time they help you focus on you. After all, you are the main character in this, the story of your life.

As I look around, I see so many people struggling – sometimes they know it and sometimes they don’t. There is the saying about trying to keep up with the Jones’ but you don’t just try to keep up with people or things you see in life. You also try to outpace your own insecurities. On the outside you exercise more because your youthful beauty is slipping away; on the inside you try to find something remotely meaningful to do in life because if you aren’t busy every minute of the day then a quiet moment can allow a flood of emotions to come forward, drowning you in disappointment about you and your life. I hope this doesn’t quite apply to you, but it happens to a lot of us because our culture doesn’t teach us to stop and face that flood of emotions and work through them. Quite the contrary, we are encouraged to try harder to make life get better because we must not be doing enough. The problem is that life – ironically—is on the inside, not the outside. The story of your life and the way you experience your life are born in you, not outside you. So, you can work harder and harder, but that doesn’t necessarily change your experience. It does, however, land you in the rat-race.

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.

As You Like It Act 2, scene 7, 139–143

Shakespeare

Even the word ‘meaningful’ has become relative because there are so many ‘meaningful’ mems on social media; people dedicate their lives to ‘meaningful’ things in a worthy cause or a career they bleed for. People race down a long, rough road expending their time and energy and at the end, there is no prize. I’m not pessimistic, I promise. Actually, I’m the opposite. I want to ensure success in my heart as much as possible, so I focusing on where the road leading, not just the promises that lure you onto the path. The same should be true for you.

Let me be a more specific and give you some examples:

My daughter’s school teacher has dedicated over 20 years to teaching and she’s so proud to be in the top 30% of some teacher ranking. However, she’s overwhelmed, complains about teaching and is not nice to the kids. On paper her career looks shinny, but the reality is that she’s turning into a bitter, unfriendly person. A ‘meaningful’ career is leeching her happiness – that’s not a road I want to journey down.

I had a client last summer who started a non-profit nearly 20 years ago to help people who can’t help themselves. If you knew more about the non-profit you might deem it worthy or unworthy, but regardless, one problem is that things haven’t changed for her (the client who started it) in probably 30 years. She’s been going to people and businesses to beg money for 20 years as she herself is going bankrupt, both financially and emotionally. Her road is based on an idea that running this non-profit will make her a better person, but she’s been trying to be that better person for so long that she’s missed the boat on improving her own life. She’s left herself no income, no mate and no life. I know you’re smarter than that, most people are. The only reason to sacrifice your life for a career or a worthy cause is because you’ve been fooled into thinking it will benefit you at some point. Some of get fooled more than others.

I also have a friend who jumped feet first into a business she bought, but she bought it before she fully understood the landscape of the industry. Needless to say, it’s tough financially, emotionally, physically. Life is tough and she and I don’t fear a tough road, but it’s one thing to put your heart and soul into yourself and it’s another to join the rat-race hoping for a different outcome than the guy before you. Needless to say, she’s experiencing the same difficult outcome as the guy before her who sold her the business.

See Ya

Our new mirrored glasses would be all about looking in, at you. When you are focused on you everything changes; when you invest in you, you can’t go wrong (and you take yourself out of the rat race). When you decide what you are doing and why you are doing it – and when that answer includes a real benefit to you—then you’re on an uplifting journey in life.

You are the main character. To be successful in your heart, you need to develop your story, you need to focus on you. Most people look outside themselves, looking to have their lover, their career or some other external thing to fill the void within them. They hope and expect that a good cause or a good lover will bring them meaning and make them feel better and bring success. They are hoping for a magic pill they can pop that will change it all for them.

This takes me to a new show this season called Limitless. The main character takes a pill everyday and taps into all of his brain’s potential. He has no personal life and struggles valuing himself when he doesn’t have the abilities the pill gives him tho, so he’s still empty, missing the boat of his life. (I love the show- two thumbs up.)

However, what does it all mean? What is meaningful to you?

It’s not until you can feel good about you that things will mean anything at all. It’s not until you know why you wake up every day that your day will have meaning.

What Do You Mean, Kalyn?

We think that things, our career and even the wonderful people in our lives are meaningful, until we can’t figure out why we sabotaged our marriage without realizing it. Sabotage sucks because you then can’t figure why you would ever sabotage your job, relationship or anything else. But you do it because something was off inside of you. You were missing your core self.

You know that saying ‘is the glass half-full or half-empty?’. You are the glass. You are either filled with meaningful things in and of yourself or you are not. You are either a school teacher because you love teaching or you are empty and being pulled upon as you stand in front of the chalk board.

You are half-full (hopefully more) when you like you, when you take time to listen to and take yourself seriously. Do you have children? With children, we need to take the time to talk to them and stop to listen to what they say. They’ll say things that make no sense to you as an adult or they’ll express problems that are nothing to you, since your problems are ‘real’ in comparison, but we need to listen to them because it is their experience that is important. By listening and engaging with them, we validate them, letting them know that they are meaningful and that what they say is meaningful too.

Do the same with you. Listen and empower your hopes and dreams. Validate your problems and help yourself deflate them as you offer suggestions to solve them or handle them, the way you would with a child.

Take 5 minutes (or more) to every day to talk to you with the same compassion, love and interest you would with a child. Make time with yourself meaningful so that you’re wearing those mirrored glasses and seeing what’s truly meaningful and what will truly make your life a success.

Mark on Ellen

A couple of days ago I turned the TV on and caught Mark Walhberg on the Ellen Show. He was sharing his routine: he wakes up super early, eats a salad and some other healthy thing, goes out to play golf, spends time with his wife and then does work during the day and is in bed by 7 pm. I’m missing some details here, but my point is that he looked great – healthy, in shape – he sounded great – he is centered, happy, knows what he wants and is living it – and he was full of himself.

If you are new to Kalyn’s world (the way I see things and the way I tap into and live in the flow) then I need to point out that when I say someone is “full of themselves” I mean that they are rocking it because they are full of their own authenticity. Their own self. Mark Walberg had presence, which most people lack. Most people aren’t connected, tapped in, living their dream and prioritizing themselves, so they are full of something, but it isn’t themselves. Generally, they are full of ideas and schemes to try to make life work, to get ahead, to make ends meet. They are filled with high hopes that the rat race will work out differently for them. Who can blame you, if this is you? We’ve all been there. However, what sets someone like Mark Walhberg apart from the crowd is his focus, his self-presence.

Can you imagine going to bed at 7? He says his wife complains to him about this, saying he acts like an old man. Still, he sets his schedule according to his needs and that’s meaningful. He listens to what he deems important for himself and adheres to it. He doesn’t care what food you eat, but it sounds to me like he eats dinner at 5:00 am. It works for him and that is meaningful.

Coming up in Part 2:
What is self-presence and how does a skinny mirror blur your self-presence?

The post Update: Part1 Mirrored Glasses appeared first on Living In The Flow.

Bloggedy, Blog Love

There are two things that people most want, love and money. They often think that having money will get them love or get them more experiences of love. This is because we equate having money with being able to do things and make things happen for those we love, earning us more love.

Over the years I’ve heard it all regarding love: 
‘I don’t think I want to be married to him anymore, I know that doesn’t make sense.’ Yes, it does, I see why you think you want to be single. 
‘Kalyn, this relationship is killing me, why am I doing this?’ Because it’s your next step in life and you know it, which is why you’ll keep going. 
‘I want to meet the One’ There’s more than one and when you’re ready and you stop wanting to be saved, he’ll show up. 
‘You don’t understand, I meant her harm.’ Ok, that one surprised me. Now, let’s try to straighten it out. 

In many cultures, as we all know, love is arranged. It is convenient and often a resume is required – but I think it’s not called a resume. (I wonder what they call it?) 
You don’t look into one-another’s eyes and fall in love, knowing that this is the one. Love at first sight. Look, don’t get me wrong, I’m probably more romantic that you (in the older definition of one who stubbornly holds an idealistic view of reality, life and certainly, love) but out of all the couples I’ve worked with and helped, all the clients I’ve had over the years and all the people, family and friends, I know – none have ever told me that it was love at first sight. Lust often happens at first site, and for this I’ve seen endless examples, but not love.

So, that’s got me thinking about love. 

You’ve probably heard by now that there is no such things as a soul mate. If you hadn’t, welcome to my world. I may be romantic but I’m also pragmatic (there I go again with an oxymoron) – and I’m happy to tell you that this (soulmates not existing) is a very good thing. You wouldn’t want for your one and only true love to have gone on a blind date with someone else and never have met you or to find that your one and only died at a young age because then you’d be doomed to a loveless life. You also wouldn’t want to think that an unlimited universe could only make one person who fit you like a glove, right? So, it’s all good, really good. There are more gloves in the sea for you…

Here’s a little something that might lift your spirits – out of all the people I’ve helped (either clients or friends) over the years, love (or lack of) in their lives was never a dead-end street. It always could get better and I was always able to help people see their relationship in a different way that empowered them and helped them improve their experience. So, regardless of your circumstance, you can always experience a greater love in your life. 

Like Seeds In A Garden

“Happiness held is the seed; 
Happiness shared is the flower.” – John Harrigan

A good marriage match is like a seed that is planted in a garden. When two people enter the contract of love and share their lives, the flowers blossom and love grows. I know, I just made your list of ten least favorite people and you are wondering how the hell I can call myself a romantic. It’s just because I tend to see two sides of the coin and then sometimes I see yet another side, which is what I want to share with you today.

In the West we have a romantic notion about love, which we have infected (not necessarily in a negative sense) the East with, like a new trend that has altered them permanently. The notion of loving the person you marry used to be thought of as foolish, since such marriages were generally a disaster, especially compared to arrange marriages that lasted a lifetime, were quite successful and created love.

I don’t mean to mislead you and make you think that your next marriage should be arranged (truth be told, it is an outdated practice and I would have to hide my laughter at the thought of you asking me to meet your arranged fiancée). What I am bringing to the table for you to consider is the notion that one side of the coin has illustrated that love grows; it is something that develops over time. Lust at first site, not love. Soulmates exist, but it happens the opposite of the way it is painted: as you share your mind, body and soul, your dreams and desires and as you travel through the trials and tribulations of life, you bare your soul to the other and, as you do this, your souls can’t help but merge and blend- intertwine, just like your lives do. This love is deep and bonded, but, truth be told, it’s similar to the love you hold for your mother, your child or your best friend. Right? You’d do anything for your kid, wouldn’t you? 

Soulmate: When a Man Loves a Woman 

I can never get that song out of my head, I don’t even know who sings it, but I hear the tune ‘when a maaaan loves a woman…’

One reason it sticks out so much for me is because (in my world) it refers to a different kind of love.

Perhaps I need to give you the second side of the coin first, before we talk about side three of the love coin that I see…

Side two: from a psychological perspective, there is love, as we described above, and dysfunctional love. Dysfunctional love is the fabric of soap operas and the key elements of most love stories (or teenage relationships, sorry teens, but we’ve all been there). Dysfunctional love has everything to do with looking to the other person to fill a void within you, which often looks like having the other person make you feel better about you, make you feel loved, adored and so on. Dysfunctional love is based on an unspoken agreement in which I do something for you, that you dramatically say you can’t live without, and visa-versa. Hence, we can’t live without one-another. Just look to one of my favorite examples of this to see dysfunctional love in action: the movie Twilight. (I’m human too, so I enjoyed this sappy and dysfunctional trilogy, what can I say? It’s like a fix). Anyway, this is a great example of ‘I can’t breath without you’, even though you can, ‘I can’t think of anything else’, yes, dysfunction is addictive but you have to choose whether to keep wanting her, even tho she clearly doesn’t want you, or if you’ll let yourself move on and build a relationship with someone who shares their lives and their dreams with you. And, in case you feel like I’m mocking these feelings, I am. I always poke fun at inauthenticity because we need to be able to get to the point where we can laugh at ourselves and choose something that is beneficial.

Ok, so you get the two sides, right? An addiction to love, or dysfunctional love, and the love that comes from sharing your life.

Now, back to the third side of the coin:

I think most mature men in love would agree with me when I say that most people aren’t really capable of love. The way these mature men love their wives goes beyond words and is probably like trying to explain what it was like when you saw your newborn for the first time. I think they would tell you that they would literally try to move heaven and hell because they see their heart beating in her chest. She completes him and she adds color to the world. These men are taken.

This may sound like the description of dysfunction to you, and it should. True love comes from your authenticity but dysfunctional love, like the ego or your false personality, mimics authenticity, but does a poor job. The false self tries to be self-centered and connected to self, but instead is egotistical and can’t see others. The false self tries to mimic true love and instead creates dysfunctional love. You can’t love another (though you can dysfunctionally be attached) when you are false because love is an energetic essence that resonates above the frequency of ego or the false self.

This third kind of love is above these, vibrationally speaking. It encompasses true love, the kind you feel for your child and mate, but it goes further still. I don’t know that we, as women, know what this is like exactly- just like men probably don’t know what our love for our child is like.

This kind of love is a gift from the Creator of the universe. I think that the Creator himself didn’t expect to find this identification, this sense that his existence was taken by the feminine flow. This is why, a downside, men can be controlled by the women they love. Still, it is worth the risk of being controlled because knowing where you want to focus your attention, knowing who you wake up and breath for and knowing what it’s like to kiss and love the object of your affection… well, I suspect that this love can lead to your salvation; that this love can unravel the universe for you and that, once you have this love, you’ll graduate life. 

Teachable Moment?

I am a romantic and I am insightful; I am deeply spiritual but I’m also pragmatic. I don’t believe in meditating or partaking in any spiritual act unless it is going to directly benefit your life (the pragmatic side), so I like to add a teachable application at the bottom of these blogs.

However, I don’t know if I have one for you because love is like the holy grail in the sense that it is the ultimate prize and, in some ways, it doesn’t exist for some people.

Contrary to how my words might seem, (because I’ve become a better writer over the years, but I wish I had a way with words the way some writers enchant and create magic with words) I don’t mean to dissuade or bum you out. I don’t mean to insult you or make you think that I don’t think you have love in your life. I actually mean to change your mind, to get you to question the love in your life and want more. I guess you could say that, like a drug dealer, I’m here to try to get you addicted to you. I’m addicted, and addicts like good company.

As a small child we all asked for another toy and were told not to ask for too much, not to be greedy (and if you didn’t catch my blog a few days ago, boy do I have something to say about monkeys and greed!). Well, I’m here to say that your spiritual and personal develop lay in the right kind of greed—you should want, seek and chase a better love. The love you have or desire can grow and your relationship can offer you more than you think it can. Gentlemen, I can only assume that I’m right about this different kind of love in which men can be taken. How very cool. It’s different for us ladies.

Reach for the stars. Dysfunctional attachments that we call love tend to bleed you to death. They are dramatic and painful. True love really does blossom and it creates soulmates, so bare your soul to a mate that you can trust. And if you can reach even higher guys, be taken. I believe that will change your soul.

The post Update: True Love appeared first on Living In The Flow.

Warning: I Was Fascinated, You May Not Be

A Little Explanation About The Flow

I had the great pleasure of going to coffee with a new friend who does Feng Shui. When it comes to Feng Shui there’s traditional Feng Shui, which is basically scientific, and some modern, lose interpretations which are entertaining at best.

I was thrilled to find out that she does Feng Shui ‘for reals’ (as my 8 year-old would say). As she said, people can put a bamboo flute or plant in a corner hoping for some amazing things, but… at best, the placebo affect may account for a 30% change. Not bad, but that’s not Feng Shui. Feng Shui is really all about the flow of energy and understanding what energies are coming into a space, how to enhance or cure any energy you find inauspicious and enhance the ones you find auspicious.

Very simplistically put, think of energy as if it were a person. Like a person, it’s in different moods depending on where and when it is, Feng Shui, which has a lot to do with universal flow, is always changing and shifting. No one corner can always hold a certain energy because energy, like people, moves, is influenced by other energy shifts, so it shifts and changes.

The Flow of You

I was fortunate enough to become certificated in Feng Shui ten years ago in Hong Kong. However, if you don’t use it, you lose it. So, I’m not a true practitioner. Still, my training in Feng Shui provides a deeper understanding of universal energy. I’m all about energy, but I dedicate myself to the energy of self. That is to say, a different kind of Feng Shui which is your own energy flow. We call this the Golden Flow as your own energy flows from your Source Energy (or God, Higher Self, etc) and into your life. Of course, your energy isn’t universal energy because it comes from your Source. Your ‘inauspicious’ energy comes from your karma and the emotional wounding, or psychological conditioning, in your life.

As my new friend and I talked up a storm about energy, the flow that effects a city came up: she was explaining the profound influence Feng Shui (energy flow) has on a city. In her example she was saying that Chicago’s gangster, prohibition reputation comes from the fast flow of energy that goes down the city and then meets the water. The flow is too fast and then meets the murky lake – in my layman terms- so the people, you could say, are too fast and murky.

Are You Strictly A Product of Your Environment?

Now this was one of the most stimulating conversations I’ve had with someone in a while since I generally meet business people, clients or people who I have to explain the flow to. But the conversation did make me think about the influence of a place on you. I know that flowing your energy using the Golden Flow system is amazing because I’ve experienced things changing drastically, seeing myself and others manifest a job, money, a marriage… So, who’s energy wins in the end?

You Are The Attractor Of Your Life

Ultimately, of course, you go and attract energies that vibrate at your same frequency. This means that if you have ‘gangster’ written in your karmatic cards, you’ll end up in that sort of city. On the other hand, if you are there and you shift your energy, you’ll likely move.

Yes, the energies around you absolutely influence you in all ways. They will influence your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviors. At the same time, you have the amazing power of choice. We all do.

When it comes down to it, you are either raising your vibration or it’s slipping. You could say that, in Feng Shui terms, your energy is auspicious and has a good flow or it is inauspicious. More precisely, you are either in your flow or you’re not. When it comes to flow, it’s pretty black and white.

The Law of The Land

The Oracle speaks of the world of illusion. They say that this is what Hindus call the maya. They also speak of your Source’s world, the energetic flow in which you are authentic, unlimited and you live your dreams.

When you have a fantastic day and everything goes perfectly, you hit all the green lights, people are nice or helpful and a project becomes a success- you are in the flow. The flow, also known as being in the zone, is about being in your own Feng Shui, if you will. It’s like standing in the most auspicious part of a building because, in your Source’s flow, you are positioned to receive all of the best energies your Source has to offer.

Let’s put that another way: when you are in the flow you are receiving divine or heavenly or highly-vibrating energies. You are experiencing only energies above the a specific vibrational frequency and these are always energies like love, success, health, wealth, creativity, joy, abundance and so on.

Unlike the Feng Shui of a space or place, your personal flow can travel. You are always connected to your Source Energy although you don’t always allow yourself to receive the energy that flows to you. When you do, these energies are so bright they can take on a golden luster, hence the Golden Flow.

Out of Flow

I hope you’re asking, ‘if I’m always connected to my Source, how can I be out of flow?’

Unfortunately, most all of us are conditioned to lose touch with our authenticity as we grow up. If authenticity were a place, it would be located in the flow. Here we are who we truly are, which means we are more deeply connected and receiving our Source’s flow.

In our upbringing we are taught to worry, be dramatic, be untrusting… Most poignantly, we are taught to lament or long for the past and be concerned about the future, taking us out of our now experience. Truly, we are taught to choose inauspicious energies in life, if you will.

Life is an experience

Life causes us all to shift, evolve and, most of all, be-come. In other words, in life we are always growing and expanding and coming to be the next and more evolved version of ourselves. Life leads us though pain and suffering or, if we are working at a higher level, through our desires. When it comes down to it, we’re either motivated by pain or pleasure.

But what happens when we try not to experience either? What happens when we stop trying to feel the disappointment, frustration, heartache, difficulty, headache and such of life? Sure, we all ask for more joy and cause to celebrate, but many avoid the pain – which leads to depression.

Why? Because at that point you aren’t experiencing life. Unfortunately, you are spending most of your time out of the flow and, frankly, similar to ‘fast-flowing and murky waters’, it sucks.

Yes, we’ve all been there. Everyone has experienced at least a mild depression or a full-on clinical one. We’ve all wished, hoped and prayed for things to be better or more the way we’d prefer but no one asks for more pain or discomfort to experience. Nor should they.

The bottom line is that when you aren’t experiencing all of your life, you aren’t in the flow. Food illustrates this point perfectly. Eating is a required experience in life. Like life’s pain and pleasure, you have to be wise about taste. Although we’d all prefer to eat burgers and dessert, you can have desert, but you also need green vegetables. Green vegetables may bring about pain or pleasure; either way, you need to have them flow through your digestive system. Your body extracts the nutrients, vitamins and minerals and lets the rest flow.

Indigestion comes from your in-ability to digest your food and nutrients. At that point, your food is not flowing through your digestive system.

Well, the same is true of your life. If you aren’t ‘digesting’ your experiences, your pains and pleasures, your thoughts, feelings and experiences, then you are experiencing an indigestion of life. Also just like food, no one taught your body to digest, you were born digesting you experience. You were born in the flow and children who are still authentic are great masters of the flow. They are happy, they quickly get through issues and, when they are learning to walk, they fall and get up again as if nothing. They are also master manifestors.

This is because we are all born in the flow- this is also why holding a baby is so magical that people often call it a spiritual experience. That magic is all about sensing the divinity of flow and of their deep connection to their Source Energy. We were all born in the flow and we can all get back into the flow of highly vibrating energies.

Get In The Flow

My teachers once told me that all I had to do was stop trying and just be me. I don’t think they could have given simpler or more frustrating directions. My first question was ‘stop trying to do what?’, to which they said I was trying to figure it out, which put me back in the trying.

In the flow you are. The way you don’t try to wake up in the morning or try to wake up in your body, you also don’t have to try to be who you are, you just are. Unless you are trying to be certain ways. Growing up we are given constant messages about who we should be. Some are messages have great intentions, like the messages that we should grow up to be successful. Others serve the purpose of the care-giver, imposing quite, obedience and a change in behavior by parents, teachers or others who work with children.

The catch is that it is more beneficial to encourage children to be successful, though we don’t mean to impose pressure, and a classroom of unruly children can be dangerous. It’s not easy nurturing children without influencing them away from their authenticity, or the way they authentically might behave.

So, chances are you were consistently encouraged to behave or be inauthentic. Now being authentic so that you are back in your flow can be difficult because habitual behaviors are hard to change. Flowing, however, can help you move past the energetic hurdles to returning to your authenticity.

Flowing allows you to let go, so you aren’t trying to be who you already are, and naturally re-connect with you. It also shifts your personal Feng Shui so that, while you will be influenced by life and the energy of a place or circumstance, you will also be empowered enough to shift. When your energy shifts, your circumstances and experiences change, whether the shift is a raise or a drop in vibration.

Yes, I would say it is beneficial to have your home Feng Shuid or your office, but it’s also important to realize that nothing can truly limit you. There are things that can effect your energy in positive or negative ways, but the one who truly holds the power to bring you better energies and a better life or not is truly you. In your Golden Flow you will always experience well-being from your Source Energy, but if you fall out of your flow, or don’t spend most of your time there, then it’s good to know you can always get back into your flow. All it takes is some focus, flowing and, if you like, a quick process.

The post When East Flow Meets West Flow appeared first on Living In The Flow.

One of the hardest things about being a parent is… being a role model.

I specifically remember Tony Robbins saying, in the old Personal Power tapes, that you should always act as if you are being watched. He meant that you need to step up now and act like the person you want to be, and not wait to become it (because you only become that future version of you by being it now).

Well, when you have kids, you no longer have to pretend that you are being watched all of the time. Because you are being watched, even when your kids aren’t watching. They are still learning how to be, how to think and how to handle life – all by your example.

No pressure, right?

Bigger Eyes

Yes, you have to recognize that deeper than your words or even your actions, children pick up on your energy, your mannerisms. They read body language better than adults and so, they know what you really mean, what you are really doing. They also learned quickly not to point out when you are saying one thing and doing another.

A side note: Of course, later as teenagers, this will turn to anger because you say one thing and do another; because you pretend to by nice to your neighbor and then ridicule them behind their back. They know you do this to them too and your kids become angry which will turn into rebellion. I expect that this might change some of how you see rebellion. Hopefully you are changing your mind from thinking that rebellion came from nowhere to realizing that kids just want for the world to be fair. They turned rebellious when they found out that the world isn’t fair, and this was worse than finding out about Santa Clause not existing. Sure, they go about expressing that in a wicked way, but pointing out our imperfections didn’t work out so they turned to anger.

Back to our topic – This is tough because whether you are a parent or not and whether you have a teenager rebelling against you or not, the same holds true. You are being watched by a bigger set of eyes – call them life or the universe. These eyes see even more deeply into you and there’s no hiding from them. These eyes read your conscious, subconscious thoughts and your intentions.

Now, I’m not meaning to freak you out (contrary to what it may seem like); I’m actually trying to broach a great topic: intention. I’m being straight with you, giving you the good, the bad and the ugly, because chemists can’t go into the lab and paint there chemicals cotton candy-pink before running their experiments. Just like them, you have to see life as it is in order to empower yourself to make positive changes to better your life.

They Say The Grass Is Greener, But It’s Really More Intentful

I am loving this presidential race for the first time since I can remember. In the past I’ve felt like candidates running were just different shades of undesirable. My friends and I would agree that the voting was just a choice between the lesser of two evils-kind of thing. This time it has been quite different.

Whether you like them or not, Trump, Carson and Fiorina are a new breed of candidate. Some of the news casters are starting to pick up on their popularity, but they used to treat them like a joke because they were so accustomed the average politician that they didn’t even recognize a hint of integrity and leadership in these three.

What I’m getting at is that these three are taking the race by storm because they are allowing people and the universe to watch them and learn what good leaders they are. Mind you, they aren’t perfect, but they have good leadership characteristics, which the ‘average’ candidate lacks.

Now, I don’t care what you think about them and, frankly, I don’t think you should either. Nor should you care what I think – but, if you’re interested in seeing above the smoke, then you’ll be more interested in how this can help you improve your life.

Aren’t you? Let’s go there!

There Is No Spoon And No Grass

One of my favorite movies was The Matrix and I’m thrilled to see that it’s become a classic. It too has a lot that you can use and apply to your life – and it’s all about you, baby! (Disclaimer- I specifically mean that you should be selfish and focused entirely on the authentic you, not the ego-you. Baby, it is all about you and when you are focused all on the authentic you, you will benefit people around you in amazing ways because you’ll have the power of the universe behind you. Like the sun, you’ll radiate authentically.)

I’m sure you remember the famous line ‘There is no spoon’- well, to apply this to your life, change that ‘spoon’ to ‘grass’. There is no grass, not on your side of the fence nor the other.

Realize this- when you have intention, you have it all. Even green grass, if you like, even when there is no grass.

Intention is a force. It is a force that can only come from your authenticity, though trying can mimic it (and leave you greatly disappointed). And, people can use intention without integrity, or their authenticity, granted. However, it never lasts. They burn out at some point.

Intention can be a big word, one that you may not know what to do with, but don’t buy your own fear. Intention means that you have set your own mind to something. Yesterday I met the parent of one of my daughter’s classmates and one of his remarks to me was ‘You’re an independent thinker, I like that’ and he really was impressed. That shouldn’t be impressive. We should all think for ourselves, make up our own minds because going with the crowd means not being authentic, unless you genuinely agree with the crowd. Making up your own mind based on what is important and meaningful to you – that is you tapping into your authenticity. Your choice and your intention for what is important and meaningful will create a force in your own life to be reckoned with!

Forget The Eyes (The Teachable Moment)

It’s easy for parents to imagine greener grasses, ‘if only I could afford this for my child’; but the truth is it is easy for us all to compare our experience and try to live up to something that really doesn’t exist. You and your intention are all that can exist.

Take some time to honor yourself. Take yourself out for a special treat, maybe a coffee, a glass of wine or tequila- and talk to yourself. Ask you what is important, significant. Choose who you want to be as a parent, a president or someone driving a car.

We send our kids to school for at least 12 years, but we don’t teach them to be whole people, to choose who they want to be (but it can be argued that we do the opposite, taking away their individuality). Change that tradition in you by empowering yourself to make these choices that can seem insignificant (what kind of driver, what kind of person who smiles or doesn’t?) or heavily significant (what kind of parent, mate; what kind of pastor). Your opinion about you and your life means far more than you realize, I promise.

Last night I watched Madame Secretary with Tea Leoni – she had a great line when confronted by the Chief of Staff who told her she had no choice. She responded “I’ve never been in a situation in which I had no choice”.

It’s your life and you have choice. Don’t measure the green grass, realize that it’s all you. And don’t go thinking that you’d like to be more than you can be, in case your saying ‘Kalyn, I’d like to be a rock star at work or at home or… but I don’t have it in me. I wish I did.”

Yeah, I know. No one is perfect, and you (and I) aren’t the exception to this rule (damn! I was hoping we would be). It’s not about being perfect so don’t measure that grass! Please note: I said choose who you want to be and do your best to be that person. That is intention. I didn’t say be perfect and don’t fail. You will be imperfect, you will fail and — you are likely to think– you can’t be or have your life the way you’d prefer. There in lies some of the confusion and the place where people get lost.

Don’t look at your life because you’ll be longing for that greener grass. Look instead at you and who you choose to be and then act from there. Let the rest go and start over: choose you (or recall your previous choice) and who you want to be and then act.

Let the results go because watching your life and how people or circumstances behave is like watching the green grass growing. It does nothing for you.

Focus on your intentions and appreciate you and your choices. Then you’ll be glad that the universe is watching and that your kids are because you’ll be affecting positive shifts in your life (and your universe) without even trying to. You’ll teach your children, or those around you, positive and uplifting lessons that go beyond words. You’ll be connected to yourself and you’ll enjoy your life.

Then you’ll stop and notice the smell the roses and the fresh-cut grass that surround you, still focusing on and enjoying who you choose to be.

The post Update: The Green, Green Grass appeared first on Living In The Flow.

A Fantastic Ordinary

Yesterday was awesome – not for any logical reason you might imagine. I mean, I’ve had some days that are off the charts. Days in which magic flowed out of my hand, people met their God in a guided meditation, days when the secrets of a sacred space have opened for us. Of course, I’ve also had other incredible days, like the day I got married, renewed my vows or gave birth just to name a few.

The bar is very high. But yesterday, no sparks flew. No one handed me the keys to a new house on the water, or the keys to a Ferrari (and if you do hand me keys to a Ferrari, red or black, if you please). No, nothing to catch your attention. You might think yesterday was ordinary (to be read in a dragging voice, please), boring and hum-drum. What did I do that makes me think it was fantastic? I worked at Starbucks, ran an errand, went to Pei-Wei for lunch with my husband, did some grocery shopping, then worked some more at home, cooked a great dinner and spent time with my daughter.

See, I told you, ordinary, but extraordinary too. I caught myself feeling really good in the early afternoon and became aware that I felt like I was having a fantastic day. Then I thought about why it was so fantastic and saw that it was really just ordinary. Work, lunch, errands, work. Ordinary, but fantastic because I spent time with K (my husband), with my daughter; because I started my day with a latte and ended with a glass of wine. Fantastically ordinary.

Are You Too Good For Ordinary?

This all got me thinking. First, I noticed that, when I became aware that I was feeling like it was a fabulous day, I observed this more closely instead of expecting it. Then I wondered how many people appreciate a fantastic but ordinary day, a day that might otherwise go unnoticed (because ‘ordinary’, albeit fantastic, might not rank high enough to get your attention).

Maybe it would be categorized as ‘a basic good day, because nothing bad happened’. Talk about the bar being low, if you measure your days against ‘bad’, then you are holding your energy down lower (at ‘bad’). Yuck. Hope you’re not.

So, this landed me on the question: are people happy, generally speaking, or are they always dissatisfied? Are things basically fantastic or lacking in their lives?

Last month I visited my mom who’s friend is a pastor. Long story short, the church had a theme going on based on a book written by one of their pastors, titled ‘Enough’. The idea here being that Americans often fall into the ‘keeping up with the Jones’ syndrome in which they never have enough but add debt to their lives and never find happiness.

I understand the concept – does anyone not understand this concept? We all understand the idea that money can’t buy happiness, that greed means wanting more but never being fulfilled. Children are taught this and they can explain it to you, no?

Still, people overspend and want more. It’s human nature.

Are Humans Naturally Greedy?

Yesterday my husband showed me a new series on Netflix about monkey gangs in India. Yes, monkey gangs – I know, you thought only people could form gangs. Think about it, it’s pretty primal behavior, it is a group of people (or animals, as illustrated in the show) that come together to form their own micro-society. Yes, we the people can be more mature and come together as a society, a country. It’s still a gang. And yes, people, monkeys and other animals form gangs and bully others; but did you realize that being greedy has some Darwinist survival of the fittest in it?

Greed means that you are thinking about your territory, your bananas and keeping the other monkeys out- kind of thing. The positive side of greed, as it were, means that you keep as many things that ensure your physical survival (and those members of your gang, tribe or family) as possible.

That’s the positive, try to ensure survival-side, and it makes sense. The behavior can still be ugly, but it is well-intended. The negative side becomes emotional greed. We feel like we need more and we try to hoard things to ensure our emotional survival, if you will. Look at the monkeys again- in the show they were jumping in a water trough in the city. They were splashing, having fun and hoarding the water. A couple of thirsty dogs came by and got into the trough to drink and cool themselves down, but those greedy monkeys don’t share! When one monkey picking on the dog didn’t get the dog to leave, then the three monkeys ganged up on the out-numbered and out-bullied dogs.

How rude! Can’t they share? It’s not like the dogs are going to drink all the water! There’s enough for them all!

Emotional greed says ‘it’s mine! I’m the king of the hill and you can’t be here or I won’t look like the king anymore, so, be gone!’

Enough Monkeying Around

Ok, back to humans.

Did I get you to change how you see greed? Do you get that greed is probably in our primitive brain to ensure survival, but gets twisted in our hearts to try to make us feel loved, popular, needed, important, etc?

After all, you probably learned that sharing was good when you were in kindergarten. You learned that you could wait your turn and everyone in class got colored paper, a cookie, a pencil – but didn’t you want two cookies? Even though you learned to share, you still wanted two cookies. You still do, don’t you?

No, you aren’t bad and you don’t lack intelligence. It is natural and somewhat beneficial.

Similar to you and me, the monkeys will dream up a better life, but it will take them a long, long time to do so. You and I can dream up all sorts of ways to improve our lives today: the Ferrari (red or black, don’t forget), a trip to Hawaii, a shopping spree, more money, a new job, new lover, new house – we are unlimited in our ability to come up with ways to make our lives pop! We can be far more greedy than monkeys — and this is good and bad.

The Good, The Bad & What Makes You Beautiful & Ugly

It comes down to how you perceive things. Like I said, you know better than to be greedy, but it doesn’t change how you feel. You still want two cookies or another beer. This is because your mind (where you think) and your heart (where you feel) are two different aspects of your being and they, clearly, can operate independent of one another. They can even contradict one another.

So what now what?

Yesterday I wrote about Tatemae, the Japanese idea that who we are and how we behave in public is different than the way we are and behave personally. I talked about how society takes on a Tatemae in the sense that the values that are portrayed look one way, though a lot of people live quite differently (the Japanese H, or the way you are as your true self). When people live their Hanne, or their true selves, they tend to be happy and beautiful on the inside and out. They are putting what others say aside and are being true to themselves. That’s key.

I also spoke about how the media portrays ‘the way we should be’. Take this morning’s talk show, they were saying that a popular restaurant wanting to do away with tipping so they talked about the tip on this – popular restaurant – bill, which was $400 for dinner. This implies that $400 is a normal amount you should expect to pay at dinner, since the restaurant is popular and a lot of people go there. The message is irrelevant of details (maybe dinner was for a party of 10 or 20 people?), but it tells you that you should earn enough to keep up with this lifestyle. The Tatemae illustrations of how our lives should be are ridiculous because these tend to reflect unrealistic values (you should be young, have a cazillion dollars, live in a house with its own zip code, and adore certain celebrities and the things they buy).

When you measure your days according to what you are told your life should be, you’ll always fall short. You’ll never be able to amass enough. It gets ugly, it feels terrible and this is when greed makes you ugly on the inside and out.

This will sound contradictory, but it’s true: If you are connected to yourself, you’ll always want more. More money, more magic, more fantastic days because it is human nature to evolve. Your ideas, your dreams and what you desire will all evolve.

The difference between being greedy and evolving have everything to do with you and what is important to you. Here’s what I mean:

Let’s go back to the monkeys for a minute. The top monkey was calling the shots. He could have chosen to see the trough as his, so that no dogs could come to it (which he did) or he could have chosen to turn the dogs that came by into friends and allies. Either way, you can argue that he is greedy by not sharing his space (not that it was his trough, it was the cities’) or he could have been greedy, amassing all the friend and allies possible. The greedy monkey isn’t willing to share; the monkey that is expanding his circle of friends is evolving his gang (which the monkey did do later on).

The Teachable Moment

Is it bad for you to want a larger house so that you have more room for your family? Is it greedy for you to want a larger house for you (and no other ‘good’ reason)?

The answer isn’t in the question itself, the answer is in you. The real question is, are you appreciating you and your life as it is that you simultaneously dream of more? Are your heart and your head in the right place?

Greed is a part of you, but we tend to use the world ‘greed’ in a negative way. I’m not trying to get you to change your definition or connotation of the word greed, but I am trying to get you to change how you see two things: your fantastic ordinary days and how you see wanting more.

We all tend to be unhappy, or miserable, when we are never satisfied.

We all want more in life (do you know anyone who wants nothing else in life, not fun times with friends, a new trip, a new t-shirt?).

We all have wonderful things in today; we all have wonderful things we can choose for tomorrow (though we don’t control tomorrow, but we can try to go towards the experiences we prefer).

While I don’t recommend judging today as ‘a good day’ because nothing ‘bad’ happened, you will make yourself happier and you will live in the flow of life more so when you focus on you. Define your day based on you and what’s important to you (not what’s important on the news or what some celeb says). Find the fantastic parts of today that are ordinary, because learning to appreciate ordinary will also help you appreciate a Ferrari, if it should come. Enjoy today and dream of tomorrow as you simultaneously appreciate them both.

The practiced behavior of appreciation is blind, meaning that when you are accustomed to appreciating yourself, your day or your life, you’ll find fantastic ordinary days in your life (and then they’ll get more fantastic). You will be less likely to overspend because you won’t feel like you have to keep up with anyone. This means that you are more likely to be able to feel good about making logical choices that are more beneficial for you – as opposed to partaking in impulse purchases that you know aren’t smart but you can’t help yourself (since your mind knows better, but your heart feels it needs to have the thing you want).

You want more. Be happy about that. Enjoy today and dream about having everything you desire tomorrow. Let yourself think and feel those authentic thoughts and feelings. Then you’ll enable yourself to evolve your behaviors, attracting fantastic ordinary days that feel wonderful. In this flow you’ll find that you will naturally replace keeping up with the Jones’ with your own happy life in which your head and your heart are far more likely to agree – because you’re not a monkey.

And this, my friend, is how we evolved.

The post Update: So Glad You’re Not A Monkey appeared first on Living In The Flow.

Yes, if you are a smarty pants, then you’ll tell me that the writing on the wall always reads ‘Change’, change is a part of every-day life. True, so true.

But I’m talking about seeing signs of change – similar to knowing there’s a movie playing at the movie theater versus actually knowing what movies are playing. I saw some of the change that’s lining itself up…

First, I’m going to seem to change the subject:

The Elements of Humans

People are people and we are all unique. Women, tho, are not like men. Sometimes I feel a bit uncomfortable saying this because I know there are people who don’t agree and who see women and men as being the same, equal and deserving of the same treatment. And people who feel this way are often defensive. That’s just not fun.

So I get to thinking that people don’t understand that there is a difference and that we’re not equal. Then I sometimes meet people who are the opposite. They know that men and women aren’t the same at all – and they recognize that each gender has its strength.

Then, sometimes, these thoughts start to carry me into an idea or a world in which there is a secret way. In Japan, K says, the culture has two modes for people: Honne – your true self and Tatemae – your outer face or what stands in front of your true self. The idea is that you would behave differently with a stranger, your boss or your waiter than you would by yourself or at home. These two modes of behavior might be vastly different.

Well, I wonder if the same is true in my society, with a twist. In the media, the Tatemae, we pretend that men and women are the same so that women are being admitted into special ops for the first time in history; women can be sharks in business and rip you apart, just like a man. Wait, what? Yes, women can be savvy and intelligent, just like a man, but they do it in a very different way (just look to Laurie Greneir on Shark Tank who’s feminine energy is so different than the men sharks). Let’s be more specific then: women won’t be as strong as men, men won’t be as nurturing as women (when each is in their perspective gender flow) – but that has nothing to do with the fact that both men and women are people. All people are capable of being intelligent, wise; all people can make good choices. Gender flow differences account for how men and women do thing differently. In other words, you have to separate what we can do, since anyone can do just about anything, versus how we do it, since no two people do things exactly the same and the way the masculine and femine genders do things will look like night and day.

So, in the world of Tatemae (what we present about ourselves before others, like our beliefs or values) which comes through the media – on the news, in the movies, on the cover of a magazine – we’ll say that men and women are the same. (That still seems like so obviously off, can we say that? For starters, the body of a man and a woman do not look the same.) The media illustrates, highlights and spotlights gender non-identification – or, worse still, they praise masculine traits out of balance. Take, for example, the Steve Jobs movie that’s currently playing. It’s the second one; people really like him and he’s praised as a creative leader and thinker. True, but what about the flip side? I mean, if you want an example of how to follow your self, believe in yourself and live the power of you, he’s a stellar example (so is Donald Trump). On the other hand, if you want an example of what it means to not know how to balance yourself with the world, how to be a jerk and how to burn your friends along the way, he’s a great example. What I’m saying is that Steve Jobs, from what I’ve learned, had an exemplary ability to tap into and follow himself – and this is the law of self in action. Believe in you and follow you – the kingdom of heaven is within and if you connect to you, all will unfold for you. He’s a fantastic example of this, again, so is Trump, and you’d do well to take these examples of living who you are to heart.

Be warned tho, the world becomes skewed, crooked and off when you are out of flow, as was Steve Jobs. You won’t really be happy when you’re burning bridges. You will be a richer person that Steve Jobs when you embrace both your masculine and feminine flows. Steve Jobs had a great masculine flow, but most of his life he was emotionally broke because he couldn’t really connect with people, his daughter.

My point: our Tatemae world says that being like Steve Jobs is the way to go – just look, we like and see him so much as an example that we made two movies about him. The only problem is that this view, which is lived by many, is off. It’s all mind and no heart, if you will.

The Real Honne World

Look more closely and you might see the same, silent world I do- the Honne side of society. This is a world you never hear of, but your neighbor is probably living; it is one in which men and women aren’t confused about their gender at all. Men act like men and women act like women and they acknowledge and appreciate themselves and the opposite gender. They are both strong, connected; they are both affecting their lives and – most importantly – they are both fulfilled and happy.

Yes, I feel like a scientist looking at a petri dish through a microscope. I took a sample of water from the ocean of mass media and am looking carefully at what’s in the water and what’s going on there. Sure, some people are living an opposite-gender life, and they don’t look too happy. However, most people are being more true to themselves and their lives are working out. What life are you living? Who are your heroes or role models?

A Little More Detail, Please

In case you are asking me to elaborate…

The feminine flow is a receptive flow. This flow of energy flows inward. It tends to be creative, nurturing, mysterious and deep. The masculine flow is assertive. Its energy flows outward and it tends to be constructive, doing-oriented, focused and driven.

People are a mix of both flows and are predominantly feminine (the ladies) and masculine (the men). The yin and yang symbol illustrates this well: each gender is mostly it’s color, but has some of the other color in it too.

You are what you are and you can’t change your energy. You certainly can override it and I see people doing this quite a bit. Especially the people we hear about and see in the media. When I watch the media I see a lot of messages communicating a need for men to discredit or devalue themselves. I see a lot of examples of women predominantly using masculine energy to get a head in life and land on top- and being praised for overriding their gender and behaving in masculine ways. In either case, what I don’t see is a comfort and confidence in one’s own natural gender flow.

Kalyn, I’m Gay

Ok, but that doesn’t change things. Because I’m talking about gender flow, not necessarily about your sexual orientation. This principal is true for any couple, heterosexual or homosexual. In either type of relationship, there is always one person who takes on more of the masculine role and the other person takes on the feminine role – energetically speaking. This means that one of the two is more of the director, one the leader; one is more the provider/protector, the other the nurturer and so on. Love and attraction are about opposites – gender flows of masculine and feminine – attracting. That has little to nothing to do with whether you are male or female because, generally speaking, most men hold a masculine flow and most women feminine, but that’s not always true. At all. There are a lot of women out there that wear ‘the pants’ in the family, taking on more of the masculine energy, and their male mate takes on a more feminine energy. There are no rules for love, but opposite energies of masculine and feminine attract.

What’s Most Interesting To Me

I sometimes say that when people spend time with me (or reading my blogs, watching my videos) the way they see life changes. Yes, you can say that spending time with me gives you a second vision about you and your life.

Well, here’s how you might see yourself differently if you’ve made it this far in the blog:

The most interesting thing to me is that some people are naturally true to their gender flow while others believe the Tatemae values communicated in society and they try to change themselves.

Psychologically trying to change something about yourself, like your gender flow, is like trying to move the ocean. Can you imagine trying to force your roast beef sandwich to be vegetarian sandwich? You may try to convince yourself that you have a vegetarian sandwich all you want, but you can never change the energetic makeup that created the roast beef. You can even take the roast beef out, but a forensic scientist will still find traces of that meat.

In other words, the universe is bigger than you or me and we can’t change the universal laws that govern us, try as we might.

And, my friend, I have to tell you that I tried when I was young. I tried doing it all and being a superwoman. Like many other women, I burned out. I guess age really has some advantages, like the wisdom to accept the universe.

Change Back

Now let’s come back to the place where I started.

I have changed a lot over the years. Actually, I feel like I’ve lived at least a handful of lifetimes since turning 21. In that sense, I feel like I’m almost 300 hundred years old, if each life lived 50 years. When you grow and evolve, which I’ve dedicated my life to since my early 20’s, sometimes you make great leaps and jumps in your development. You change drastically (in good ways) and then you look back at the person you were 5 minutes ago or a month ago (depending on whether the change is gradual or you experience a notable instantaneous shift in yourself) and you don’t recognize that person. Sometimes, that person, the former more immature you, even embarrasses you.

I’ve grown and evolved every year and I feel I’ve had several lifetimes in the span of this one body – and now I see the writing on the wall. Change is coming. I know of some obvious changes coming in our financial lives, but I also see changes coming in K’s work ventures. Me? Oh, I see change for me too. I love making videos, and may look to turn some of these blogs into videos too, but I’ve had a change in which I’ve been more interested in writing and exploring different aspects by writing instead of talking, which I’m sure my friend Jim, the Psychologist Dr., would say is a different experience in the brain. That’s a new one for me, how about you? Now I’ll have dinner conversation for the next dinner party I attend: ‘What’s new with me? Oh, I’ve been experiencing different parts of my brain. And you?’

The Teachable Moment

Last night I took my daughter to her gymnastics class where the coach insulted her. I told my daughter that the most important thing is for her to decide how she wants to handle this because she has to feel good herself.

I hope you know that I don’t judge whether you are male, female or what gender flow you predominantly use. I don’t care if you are intelligent or stupid, black, white or purple. Why should I? I’m more interested in whether you are benevolent and interested in personal and spiritual growth, like me, because then we will have a lot to talk about.

However, for you, I hope that the most important thing is that you are either in a great place in life or that you are now empowered to question what you believe. Do you succumb to the Tatemae ideas offered up by society or do you follow your own guidance, like Steve? Sure, you may not know how to find your own inner guidance, and maybe I’ll write about that soon. The first step though is a question. Am I who I am? Am I authentic with me? Am I honoring me? And if not, am I willing to change and allow the power of the universe to blow wind in my sails instead of trying to go against all of the flow of the ocean?

If you want the wind to power you so that you can enjoy life and be happy, then it’s time to allow yourself to change, which, ironically enough, starts by being who you already were. (See, I told you I’m all about the paradoxes in life – and having them work for you).

Make a change, choose your authentic self.

The post Update: The Two Faces of Life appeared first on Living In The Flow.