Is there a winning formula for happiness and success?

According to one of the leading researchers of Positive Psychology, Prof. Tal Ben-Shahar, the answer is “yes”. Read on to find what the formula is…

Before we take a look at the equation, I want to explore optimism a little further. In the self-help movement we read over and over: “Whatever you can dream, you can achieve.” But is that the complete truth? Or is a partial truth?

John P., a digger driver I once worked with in psychotherapy believed that he could jump from a rooftop (without any mechanical aid) and fly – if only he could believe strongly enough. I’m sure you can imagine where he ended up. Yes, he ended up in a mental hospital!

Optimism that’s not grounded in reality can hurt us.

As the story of Admiral James Stockdale illustrates, false optimism can actually kill you. Stockdale was shot down in the Vietnam war and spent 7 years in a Vietnamese POW camp.

He was one locked in leg irons in a bath stall, and was routinely tortured and beaten. Many of his fellow prisoners died, but Stockdale survived.

The author James C. Collins interviewed him for his bestseller called Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… and Others Don’t.

Stockdale said:

“I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”

Collins asked, “Who didn’t make it out?”

“Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. They were the ones who said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.”

Stockdale added:

“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end-which you can never afford to lose-with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

Collins later called this stance the Stockdale Paradox.

How do we identify the difference between healthy optimism versus optimism that is detached from reality?

It’s important to ground our expectations in reality. Positive belief is not enough.

“False optimism sooner or later means disillusionment, anger, and hopelessness.”~ Abraham Maslow

How do you identify the right amount of faith, the exact point of realism?

I think it’s good to be optimistic, and even a bit over-optimistic – but without losing touch with reality.

Here’s a funny video about a new ‘depressant’ called Despondex for annoyingly cheerful people:

Very funny, don’t you think?

Now here is what I promised you, the equation for a thriving life according to Prof. Tal Ben-Shahar.

The equation is O+P+P:  Optimism plus Passion plus Persistence.

Optimism – the belief that we can do well

Passion – loving what we’re doing

Persistence - the ongoing hard work to achieve our dreams.

When these three components interact that you get the optimal condition for a thriving life.

Optimism here means belief in oneself, grounded in reality. The reality usually means ongoing struggle and hard work.

According to author, musician, and neuro-scientist Daniel Levitin, an expert or master of any craft is measured by that person practicing their craft for 10,000 hours. In his bestseller This is Your Brain on Music: The Science of Human Obsession says that the emerging scientific picture is that 10,000 hours of practice is required to achieve the level of mastery associated with being a world-class expert in anything. It is equal to roughly 3 hours of practice a day, or twenty hours a week, of practice for ten years.

Many self-help books want to make us believe that we can jump the step of hard work by using visualizations instead.

However, as we can see from Ben-Shahar’s winning formula, optimism is only one of the necessary components for success.

There are no short-cuts. But, hang on – what about luck? Isn’t that a short-cut?

I’m a great believer in luck. The harder I work, the luckier I get. ~Thomas Jefferson

As I explained in my post 7 Strategies for Good Luck,  Professor Richard Wiseman researched why some people are luckier than others. He found that there are certain strategies that make us luckier. You can read about them in his article The Luck Factor

One of the factors is persistence.

Luck is where opportunity meets preparation.~ Oprah Winfrey

Preparation is the combination of optimism and passion (mental preparation), as well as ongoing hard work (physical preparation).

So, there you have it.

The winning formula for a thriving life is three equal measures of Optimism, Passion, and Persistence.

Does this line up with your experience?

***

Related Posts:

Are you an agent of change?
What is the Meaning of Life?
Authentic Happiness

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The Winning Formula for a Thriving Life – Do You Know It?

By Janice Hunter of Sharing the Journey

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in. ~Robert Orben

Do you dream of a chill out holiday at the beach? Do you long to escape your daily routine and find happiness in an exotic place? So did I, but something happened…

Our oven is on its last legs. Two nights ago, it sighed warm breath over a pizza that took thirty five minutes to cook. I looked at my husband. He looked at me and we knew we had to tell the kids.

After we’d eaten, we asked them how they’d feel about not going away anywhere on holiday this year. We’d both accepted that it isn’t just the oven that needs replaced; two of the gas rings don’t work properly, some of our kitchen cabinets are beyond repair and some of the countertops are so old, they’re crumbling at the edges. We have maintenance work to do throughout the whole house.

I was poised, ready to explain to the kids that in the current economic climate, we may have to move house and ours needs to be in good repair – not just cosy and family friendly. We were ready to console them, to suggest a short break in October, day trips and lots of alternative plans and lists of exciting things to do. We waited.

My heart ached at the thought of our loved ones over in Greece, of the long conversations we have in the cooler evening air on their terraces and verandahs overlooking the sea. How they spoil the kids with gifts and favourite meals and ice creams while shaking their heads in disbelief at how much they’ve grown.

I thought of the long days we spend on the beach, laughing, playing simple ball games, dripping sea-wet hair onto magazines, puzzle books and holiday paperbacks, lying on beach towels and sandy loungers, smelling of suntan cream and summer.

I thought of reassuring rituals, quiet family times alone on jasmine scented balconies, playing Yahtzee and card games and strolling along the bustling seafront in the evening, choosing which noisy laughter-filled taverna to have a meal in.

I longed for a table beneath the stars, for bouzouki music and endless salads and village bread, and plate upon plate of mezedhes – tzatziki, wrinkled olives, aubergine and courgette fritters, tangy feta cheese and giant beans baked in a tomato, olive oil and herb sauce – all washed down with retsina from the barrel out back.

My teenage daughter responded first. “You know,” she said, “I’d love to just chill out at home for a change. I’m really tired.” My son agreed, told us how he longed to just sleep until he woke, with no thoughts of alarm clocks, school or after-school hobbies. They both went on to explain that they enjoy everything they do at school, but are bone-weary, tired of timetables and homework.

Stunned – relieved – I asked them if they’d miss Greece, swimming every day, eating out…

“I won’t miss airports,” said my son. “Or mosquitos,” said my daughter, “…or having to get up early to swim because we can’t go outside at mid-day when it’s too hot.”

My husband and I sat there, listening, as they made the perfect case for an at-home holiday, a staycation, talking of how they loved the idea of a few weeks on holiday here, savouring the things they have little time for during a busy school year; the books they wanted to catch up on, the songs my daughter planned to learn on her guitar and all the sleeping late they were longing to do in the damp, cool Scottish mornings.

“If it’s sunny,” said my son, looking at me, knowing what I love most about holidays, “we can drive to a Scottish beach. The waves sound the same.”

“We can go to Edinburgh or Glasgow,” said my daughter, who, like me, loves bustling crowds of foreigners as much as serenity and silence “We can pretend to be tourists, sit in cafés, go to galleries…”

I suddenly thought how much fun it would be to capture Edinburgh on camera, to send postcards of hills and lochs and castles to my friends abroad.

I thought how my daughter could play her guitar every day and my son could play football outside for as long as he liked without me worrying about sunstroke or dehydration.

I thought of all the unread books lying around waiting to be read, books I could enjoy after a day’s gardening or decorating, or on a Scottish beach, when I wasn’t gathering bits of driftwood or shells.

I thought how good it would be to get the house fixed, to get rid of all the tolerations and little jobs we’d been putting off. To gut the attic and create a cosy new kitchen. To have months and years of feeling ‘clean and clear’ for the price of a holiday in the sun.

I hadn’t realized we’d been focusing so much on the benefits of an annual holiday that we’d never given the kids the option of staying at home, had never encouraged them to talk about what they don’t like about going away. I hadn’t realised how much those few weeks in Greece keep me anchored in the past and how many weeks of my life I dream away, longing for a pre-arranged change of scene.

A change of scene begins with a change of thoughts.

We don’t always need new vistas; sometimes it’s enough to see what we already have with new eyes and be grateful. If we can’t be happy where we are, with what we have, how can we ever be truly happy somewhere else?

The next night, my husband came back from the supermarket carrying a bottle of retsina and the brand of ice cream the kids eat on holiday. “May as well start early,” he smiled.

Photo 1 by murplej@ne – brutally architorturedPhoto 2 by mnadiPhoto 3 by mnadi;

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Staycation: How Far Away is Happiness?

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved ~William Jennings Bryan

We can become agents of change in all areas of life – and be happier for it.

That’s what psychological research tells us. But what if circumstances are so brutal that it seems impossible to effect change? What if we were imprisoned or tortured?

On September 25, 1942, Victor Frankl, a Viennese psychiatrist, was arrested and deported to the Theresienstadt concentration camp, together with his wife and parents. Here is what he said:

Most people in a concentration camp believed that the real opportunities of life had passed. Yet, in reality, there was an opportunity and a challenge. One could make a victory of those experiences, turning life into an inner triumph, or one could ignore the challenge and simply vegetate, as did a majority of the prisoners.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember those who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a person but the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances – to choose one’s own way. ~ Viktor Frankl

Viktor Frankl worked as a doctor in the camps and saved many lives. He also set up a mental health unit where he worked to prevent suicides. His family members perished in the camps. But Frankl survived against all odds, and went on to be on to be one of the great Viennese psychiatrists.

The ability to choose our destiny is due to the power of the mind.

In order to understand more fully how the mind can change reality – and to separate fact from hype – I’ve enrolled in a paper on Positive Psychology. Tal Ben-Shahar is running an online course through the University of Pennsylvania. (He’s the teacher who did a series of lectures on Positive Psychology at Harvard. The first week he had 40 students, the next 150 and then the class then quickly climbed to a record 800!)

The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. ~ William James

I’ll be writing a series of posts on the power of the mind based on Tal Ben-Shahar’s course.

First I want to introduce the idea of self-efficacy, which means the power of producing an effect. The term was coined by psychologist Albert Bandura in 1994. You can find the link to his research article here.  Bandura’s ideas and research results are crucial steps in understanding the power of the mind.

To believe in our self-efficacy means that we believe we have what it takes to succeed.

We don’t have to extraordinary in order to change not only our life but those of others. Ordinary people can become great agents of change. On December 1, 1955 an unknown seamstress changed the world by doing something very simple. She wouldn’t budge from her bus seat in Montgomery, Alabama. This was Rosa Parks, the ‘mother’ of the Civil Rights Movement. The law at that time said that a black person should give up their seat to a white person, but Rosa Parks staid sitting on her seat.

You don’t have to be a fantastic hero to do certain things. You can be just an ordinary chap, sufficiently motivated to reach challenging goals ~Edmund Hillary

What happens when we feel that our effort can make a difference?

That’s a very important question. Because life feels radically different, depending on whether you believe that you can make a difference by your effort, or whether you think that no matter what you do, nothing is going to change.

Please consider your life for a moment. Are there areas where you feel effective, and others where you don’t?

What would happen if you believed you have what it takes to effect change – even in the difficult areas of your life?

Self-trust is the essence of heroism. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

How do we create a feeling of effectiveness?

Bandura lays out four ways:

1. Success breeds success.

We create a sense of effectiveness by ‘mastery experiences’. What that means is that success builds a robust sense of effectiveness. And failure can undermine this confidence – especially if failure happens before a sense of self-efficacy is firmly established.

Bandura adds an interesting rider:

Early success is dangerous

If we experience only success at the start of an endeavor, we come to expect easy results and are discouraged by failure.

I think that’s true. In my eighteen years of martial arts training, I saw a lot of talented people come – and go. The ones who struggled and had to work hard at their success tended to stay.

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.Robert F. Kennedy

2. Role-models can heighten belief in oneself

I’m sure we’ve all experienced that. The way we think about a good role-model is: “If he/she can do it, I can too!”  The key to choosing a role-model is that we must be able to identify with her or him, otherwise their success doesn’t lift us up, it pulls us down.

3. Our self-belief grows when others encourage us

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lit the flame within us. ~Albert Schweitzer

Bandura called this third way of strengthening people’s beliefs that they have what it takes to succeed: ’social persuasion’. What we need in life is at least one person to believe in us.

How can we become that one person?

I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst, a ‘transformer’ in any situation, any organization. Such an individual is yeast that can leaven an entire loaf. ~ Stephen Covey

Each of us can be a mentor, an encouraging parent, teacher, neighbor or friend!

We can give appreciation and encouragement freely – we are not diminished by this. If anything, we grow and become happier when we encourage others!

Thousand candles can be lit from just one candle; the life of the candle is not shortened. The Buddha

4. We can strengthen our self-belief when we learn to interpret emotional and physical reactions positively.

Imagine that you’re about to go on stage and address a packed hall. You are offstage but you can hear the audience. The lights are on and you are minutes away from walking up to the podium. By now you have butterflies in your stomach, your knees start to knock. Your mouth is dry and your pulse is racing. Right?

You can lift your performance through giving these symptoms a positive meaning. This is what Bandura means when he says that the interpretation we put on our emotional and physical responses is a factor in creating effectiveness.

For example, if you feel nervous about public speaking, you can change your self-talk. Instead of telling yourself, “Oh, I’m so nervous, I can’t do it!”,  you can say to yourself, “Good! You’re keyed up. You need that in order to perform well.”

You cannot prevent the birds of worry and care from flying over your head. But you can stop them from building a nest in your head.

When we talk about the power of the mind, we are essentially talking about changing our habitual stories.

“Nothing I can do will make a difference” is a story. So is, “I know I’ve got what it takes.” One is passive and leads to suffering. The other has drive and can create happiness and success.

Reddit Code Here

In his comment on my post How to Learn (Almost) Anything and Feel Incredible Doing It, reader Kirk Fisher said:

All stories keep us from truly seeing our lives with openness. Would you agree?

I’m not sure. Maybe we always live by stories. Even the most exalted aspiration is nothing but a story. Maybe some stories are skillful, and others are not.

What do you think?

Photo by estherase>

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Are You An Agent Of Change?

You might wonder what starting a car has to do with learning (almost) anything?

It’s difficult to learn if you leave the brakes on.

The brakes are our negative beliefs and preconceptions. When we find and release the brakes, learning becomes easy.

The human mind is a learning machine.

Consider toddlers for a moment. In a short time they learn two incredibly complex skills – talking and walking. And they learn them at the same time. Toddlers can even learn two or more different languages at once. (I grew up biligual and learned English and German right from the start.)

To learn with ease we need to be clear about the following four questions:

1. Who’s driving?
2. Have you released the brakes?
3. What’s your destination?
4. Where’s your map?

Let’s take up each question in turn.

1. Who’s driving?

This is about motivation. Is the skill you’re planning to learn something you ’should’ do? If so, your motivation is external. It’s directed by other people. Or are you passionate about learning this new skill? In that case, your motivation is internal.

Your motivation needs to be internal because ‘shoulds’ have no power for sustained action. If your motivation is external, see if you can find some internal motivation to carry your learning forward. Ask yourself, ‘How will this new skill benefit me?’

2. Have you released the brakes?

Are your negative beliefs and your self-talk limiting your learning potential? It’s easy to find out: listen to what you thinking and saying.

In my case I noticed three negative beliefs that were putting the brakes on learning how to produce videos. They were: “I’m not good with technical stuff”, “I’m not good at learning to use new software”, and “I’m not a visual person.”

As you can imagine, these three negative beliefs made learning how produce a video nearly impossible! Each aspect was affected – from handling the camera to editing the video or publishing it on the Net. Once I noticed what I was doing, I changed my storylines. I told myself and others: “I can learn to operate cameras easily”, “I’m pretty good with new software”, and “My eye is getting better with practice.”

The result? I’ve surprised myself. I’m learning my new skill much faster than I expected!

3. What’s your destination?

In order to drive to your destination you need fuel. What fuels our learning journey are clear goals.

The key question is: Why do you want to learn a particular skill?

The more precisely you can answer that question, the easier it is to learn. Let’s take an example. As I said before, I’m learning video skills. If I phrased my goal like this: “I want to produce good videos to use on Goodlife Zen”, I would get no traction. Because the goal is to vague. In contrast, “I want to produce five videos on how to meditate”, gave me a clear destination for my journey of learning.

4. Where’s your map?

If you set out with a clear destination but without a map, you’ll run into problems. A map is important because it shows you how to get to your destination. So, how do we get a map? Well, we can develop parts of the map ourselves and then ask an instructor to fill in further details.

Our initial map could include:

• Answer questions one to four above
• Choose an instructor
• Find a buddy
• Start your learning journey
• Set and celebrate milestones

A map helps you when you lose your way. You can revisit it and look at how far you’ve come and plot your next phase of the journey.

In order to enjoy your learning journey and feel great, here are some important tips:

Choose good instruction

No matter what you want to learn, you’ll need to choose an instructor. This can be an instructor who works with you face-to-face, or it can be a book, articles on the net, or training programs.

Unfortunately most instructors don’t know how to teach beginners.

Their own experience as beginners lies so far back that they can’t remember it. What is clear to the instructor may be incomprehensible to a new student.

Tip: Choose an instructor who is able to guide you step by little step.

If you want to learn from a book, make sure that it’s written in a way that introduces you carefully to each new step. Personally, I tend to learn best from live instructors – whether I see them in real-time, or whether they run a program on the Net. The reason for that is that I need to be able to ask questions.

Sometimes we get stuck in the learning process because we don’t understand the next step. A question to an instructor can often see us right.

Good instruction can be expensive. Make sure you research the instructor thoroughly. Take a trial lesson if possible. And check out testimonials.

Buddy up

To learn on your own can be lonely. It’s important to share the highs and lows with other learners. Learning with others also keeps you up to the mark. This is the advantage of learning in a class. But even if you are learning in a virtual environment, finding a buddy is an important step.

Maybe your instructor can link you up with another learner. Or you can find someone in a forum who is on the same journey of learning.

Start your learning journey NOW

Once you’ve identified your initial map and found instruction, you need to start your learning journey without delay. If you’re not sure how to start, ask yourself a question:

“What is the smallest step in my learning journey that I can take right now?” Then follow through.

Keep going

It’s easy to give up. I’m sure all of us have experience of giving up. Why do we give up? It may be that we haven’t released our brakes, or the learning journey seems too difficult.

If you feel like giving up, check out the following questions:

• Have I released the brakes?
• What is the step I’m struggling with?
• Am I still focused on my destination?

You may find that your negative self-talk reappears when you strike a difficulty on your learning journey. Make sure that you replace your negative view with a positive one.

If you are struggling with your learning material, try to pinpoint where the difficulty lies. Maybe you can formulate a question that you can ask your instructor, your buddy or on the Net.

If you feel like giving up, remind yourself of your destination. Write you goals on big sheets of paper and hang them up in your home.

Celebrate milestones

Celebrating achievement is what makes us feel great about learning. Make sure you identify milestones and celebrate them!

Human beings are designed for life-long learning. Each new skill will enrich your life and make you feel good about yourself. The great thing is that with each positive learning experience, the next one becomes easier.

What is your experience with learning journeys? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.

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How to Learn (Almost) Anything and Feel Incredible Doing It

By Glen Allsopp

No matter what area of our life we are working on, there are times when we could all do with a little extra motivation.

It may be in getting out of bed at 5am in the morning, going to the gym on the weekend or even just working on our own projects. We all know the great feeling and results we get when we’re hugely motivated to work on something; it’s just that this motivation seems to rarely last.

Some people might say you just need some self-discipline and that once you get moving the motivation will come back, others say you’re chasing the wrong goal if you’re struggling to work for it. At times, both of these cases may be true. However, my own belief is that sometimes we just haven’t got to the root cause of why we want to do something.

A common goal for a lot of people is the desire to leave their jobs, to escape from the rat race. And, in theory, anybody who is reading this article can do just that. There are thousands of ways to increase your income both online and off. It is very possible for everyone on this site right now to fulfil this desire.

Yet, most people won’t.

Often simply because they lack the motivation. They could tell you how badly they really want it and how it has been a dream of theirs for a long time, but those same people rarely take action.

The reason for this is either a lack of belief in their own potential or a lack of the desire to change their current situation. After all, when people are in a safe and secure job, it’s easy to become complacent and accept your current position.

No matter what it is you want to achieve, there is one question you can ask yourself to get to the core fundamentals of your goal and massively increase your motivation.

That question is simply, “Why?”

We can apply this simple question in the example we have been covering, leaving your day job. All you have to do is look at your desires and keep breaking them down with the question “Why?” so you can get to the truth about why you want what you want.

Let me demonstrate how this might work out with this simple scenario…

I want to quit my job

Why?

So that I can become my own boss

Why?

So that I can increase my earnings potential

Why?

So I can work my own hours

Why?

So I can spend more time with my family

Why?

So I can watch my children grow up

Isn’t that last sentence far more powerful than the first?

Instead of just thinking about being your own boss, you’re now focusing on being able to watch your children grow up, and spend as much time with them as possible.

Aren’t you now much more likely to want to work towards something and strive for success, now that there is a real hunger and positive reason to do so? I certainly believe that to be the case and have seen a dramatic change in family members who I have persuaded to ask themselves this simple question.

I urge you to try out this exercise for any moderate craving you have in life that you would like to turn into a real desire.

If you realise you are being too laid back in one area of your life but want it to change, see if you can adopt the “Why?” mentality to get to the core of your desires.

It will also be more helpful and effective if you do this on paper, put the exercise into words and not just do it in your head. This forces you to take note of what you have put in ink and supplies you a written record of the new basis for your motivation.

This is exactly how I was able to leave the rat race and cultivate a real desire for my goals; I hope that it helps you as well. If you have any other examples of increasing your motivation, I would love to hear them in the comments!

Glen Allsopp writes about Personal Development for his blog, PluginID. He helps people realise they can be who they want to be through personality development.

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How One Little Word Can Improve Your Motivation

By Janice Hunter of Sharing the Journey

The only difference between an extraordinary life and an ordinary one is the extraordinary pleasures you find in ordinary things. ~ Veronique Vienne.

I stood at the kitchen sink, robotically washing dishes. I paused, my gaze landing on a hand-painted jug on the window ledge, raindrops running down the glass.

I clung to the sink with soapy hands, hunched forward, eyes clenched shut, terrified that I might miss another deadline, that I’d never have another moment of revelation, the inspiration that flows in and fills me up then spills over into my writing and my online coaching.

Washed out and weary, worried about money, unable to capture moments of fleeting inspiration as they flit and dance through my day, just out of reach, I stood, suds dripping, tears running down my face.

A quick wipe with the back of my hand, all traces gone, I picked up a tea towel and started to dry the dishes. Plates, bowls and jugs from our years in Greece and Portugal, all different sizes, shapes and designs.

I looked again at the small jug on the window ledge. Cobalt blue and bottle green, ringed in bands of yellow and rusty red hearts. Sometimes I use it for flowers; most often, it stays empty, reminding me to be present, to stay open to inspiration and abundance. I looked down at the draining board and suddenly realised that not only do I have a lot of jugs, I seem to have been collecting and cherishing them all my life.

There’s a porcelain one from Portugal, hand-painted with deer and flowers which we only use for gravy on feast days and holidays.

There’s a little pastel-coloured striped one with a flat bottom that’s used for milk when we have visitors; it’s the kind a sailor’s wife would keep on her window ledge, filled with snowdrops. A round-bellied classic white jug for water. A sturdy terracotta one decorated with a blue glaze and white slip. A spout-less pink tin cylinder for Greek retsina. An elegant, clear glass bottle with a gem-blue glass stopper that I use on warm days to keep water cold in the fridge.

Pencils in a chipped, speckled stoneware jug. A spider plant in a blue teapot. I rushed to the dining room and stared at what I now saw was a collection in my cabinet, in among all the other mismatched crockery.

There, in pride of place, a single-setting tea service with sugar bowl and milk jug, painted decades ago by my mum’s elderly cousin, the artist who never married after her fiancé died in World War Two. We used to give my mum breakfast in bed every year on Mother’s Day, the tea tray laid with an embroidered cloth and those same dishes.

I remembered my grandmother pouring milk from a blue and white pitcher and friends’ birthday parties with ice cream and jelly and always large glass jugs of sparkling lemonade and orange juice. Always a woman somewhere, carrying a jug, offering something, pouring something.

All of my jugs are beautiful. They’re all unique and chosen, loved and special for something. They’re not meant to be permanently full; they’re designed to be filled and emptied as they pour.

Like us, they’re beautiful just as they are, even when all they hold are memories and promise and a little bit of now.

I took the tea towel and lovingly dried and put away my crockery, went into the garden and found a few rain-drenched miniature daffodils and a spray of fragrant white hyacinth to put in my little heart jug at the window.

Sometimes we wait knowingly, patiently, for inspiration to fill us to overflowing. Sometimes, we simply need to love ourselves enough.

Janice Hunter is a writer and certified life coach whose blog Sharing the Journey provides soul food and support for writers, coaches, parents and home-based workers. This piece first appeared in her Coaching Moments column, the monthly newsletter of The International Association of Coaching.

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What a Simple Jug Can Tell Us About Life

By Mary Jaksch

Is optimism always the best strategy? Or has pessimism also got its place?

There are times when it’s natural to feel low: you don’t get the job you want or lose the one you love; you’re forced to sell your home; you lose a loved one; you let go of a dream.

Yes, loss makes us feel low.

When we experience loss, we feel sad and helpless. We lose interest in food, company and sex. Feeling low is a temporary condition. Human beings have a capacity for healing, and low feeling will leave us as we adapt to our changing circumstances.

We can get stuck in feeling low. That’s when we suffer from depression.

The good news is that you can do something about it, according to Professor Martin Seligman.

Seligman has coined two key terms, ‘learned helplessness’ and ‘explanatory style’. ‘Learned helplessness’ when we want to quit because we believe that whatever we do doesn’t matter. The ‘explanatory style’ is the way we explain to ourselves why events happen. The explanatory style can either be optimistic – which stops helplessness. Or it can be pessimistic – which spreads helplessness.

According to Seligman, depression is caused by “…by defeat, failure, and loss and the consequent belief that any action taken will be futile.” He continues:

“How you think about your problems, including depression itself, will either relieve depression or aggravate it.”

Depression and pessimism are closely related.

When we are in a pessimistic state, we are going through a mild version of depression.

We know that optimists achieve more, have better physical health, and feel happier. So, shouldn’t we strive to be optimistic all the time?

Maybe. But let’s not forget that pessimism has an important virtue: it supports a keen view of reality.

I think there is a way that we can be realists, AND have a useful view of reality.

Flexible optimism is a key skill

Flexible optimism isn’t a blanket upbeat state that you apply blindly – it is a way to have control over the way we think about adversity.

Let’s take an example:

You’re driving in the rain and have got onto the wrong side of the motorway. Not good!

If you are a full-blown optimist, you might think, “Oh – look at all these cars coming toward me. They’re all driving on the wrong side of the motorway!!”

If you are a pessimist you’ll see all the cars rushing towards you, freeze and think, “Wow, I’m doomed. I’m going to die any moment!”

As a flexible optimist you might think, “Uh-oh – I’ve made a bad mistake. I’ll quickly get over onto the verge in order to avoid these cars.”

I’m sure you can see that an attitude of flexible optimism is your best chance of survival in this scenario!

Seligman makes some interesting suggestions about when optimism is an advantage, as well pointing out some situations when optimism is not a useful strategy.

Optimism is a great strategy if…

• You want to achieve something
• You want to boost your morale
• If your physical health is at stake
• If you want to lead others

Optimism is a poor strategy if…

• You are planning for an uncertain future
• You are supporting others whose future is dim or who are troubled

Maybe you don’t agree with that last point?

Imagine this scenario: Arlena, a woman in her forties has lost her job, and finds out that she has cancer. She confides in her colleague Susan – who is a full-on optimist. This is what the conversation might look like:

“I’m so gutted. I just lost my job,” says Arlena.
“Oh, that may free you up to what you REALLY want to do.”
“But I’ve got to pay my rent!”
“I’m sure you’ll find a new job tomorrow!”
“I just can’t cope, because I’m worried that I’ve got cancer”
“You just need to be positive and believe that you’ll be alright.”

If you were Arlena, wouldn’t you want to get rid of Susan as quickly as possible? I would!

Both optimism and pessimism are both useful strategies at times. I use the word ‘strategy’ because it implies that we can learn to choose one or the other mindset.

Flexible optimism can enable us to be realistic, as well as hopeful.

I’ll explore flexible optimism in my next post and  talk about exactly how pessimists can learn to be more optimistic. That is, I’ll show in detail how each one of us can learn to be in control over the way we think about adversity.

In the meantime let me ask you two questions: Is it always skilful to be optimistic, or not?

Enjoy these related posts:

The Three Dimensions of Optimism

Good, Better, Perfect? How to Escape the Trap of Perfectionism

Are You an All-or-Nothing Person? Here’s How to Change

Authentic Happiness

Photo by Conor Lawless

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Is Flexible Optimism a Key to Happiness?

“Basically, the earth needs a new operating system, you are the programmers, and we need it within a few decades.”

Read this amazing talk by Paul Hawken:

Commencement Address to the Class of 2009

University of Portland

When I was invited to give this speech, I was asked if I could give a simple short talk that was “direct, naked, taut, honest, passionate, lean, shivering, startling, and graceful.” Boy, no pressure there.

But let’s begin with the startling part. Hey, Class of 2009: you are going to have to figure out what it means to be a human being on earth at a time when every living system is declining, and the rate of decline is accelerating. Kind of a mind-boggling situation – but not one peer-reviewed paper published in the last thirty years can refute that statement.

Basically, the earth needs a new operating system, you are the programmers, and we need it within a few decades.

This planet came with a set of operating instructions, but we seem to have misplaced them. Important rules like don’t poison the water, soil, or air, and don’t let the earth get overcrowded, and don’t touch the thermostat have been broken. Buckminster Fuller said that spaceship earth was so ingeniously designed that no one has a clue that we are on one, flying through the universe at a million miles per hour, with no need for seatbelts, lots of room in coach, and really good food – but all that is changing.

There is invisible writing on the back of the diploma you will receive, and in case you didn’t bring lemon juice to decode it, I can tell you what it says: YOU ARE BRILLIANT, AND THE EARTH IS HIRING. The earth couldn’t afford to send any recruiters or limos to your school. It sent you rain, sunsets, ripe cherries, night blooming jasmine, and that unbelievably cute person you are dating. Take the hint. And here’s the deal: Forget that this task of planet-saving is not possible in the time required. Don’t be put off by people who know what is not possible. Do what needs to be done, and check to see if it was impossible only after you are done.

When asked if I am pessimistic or optimistic about the future, my answer is always the same: If you look at the science about what is happening on earth and aren’t pessimistic, you don’t understand data. But if you meet the people who are working to restore this earth and the lives of the poor, and you aren’t optimistic, you haven’t got a pulse. What I see everywhere in the world are ordinary people willing to confront despair, power, and incalculable odds in order to restore some semblance of grace, justice, and beauty to this world. The poet Adrienne Rich wrote,

“So much has been destroyed I have cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world.”

There could be no better description. Humanity is coalescing. It is reconstituting the world, and the action is taking place in schoolrooms, farms, jungles, villages, campuses, companies, refuge camps, deserts, fisheries, and slums.

You join a multitude of caring people. No one knows how many groups and organizations are working on the most salient issues of our day: climate change, poverty, deforestation, peace, water, hunger, conservation, human rights, and more. This is the largest movement the world has ever seen.

Rather than control, it seeks connection. Rather than dominance, it strives to disperse concentrations of power. Like Mercy Corps, it works behind the scenes and gets the job done. Large as it is, no one knows the true size of this movement. It provides hope, support, and meaning to billions of people in the world. Its clout resides in idea, not in force. It is made up of teachers, children, peasants, businesspeople, rappers, organic farmers, nuns, artists, government workers, fisherfolk, engineers, students, incorrigible writers, weeping Muslims, concerned mothers, poets, doctors without borders, grieving Christians, street musicians, the President of the United States of America, and as the writer David James Duncan would say, the Creator, the One who loves us all in such a huge way.

There is a rabbinical teaching that says if the world is ending and the Messiah arrives, first plant a tree, and then see if the story is true.

“Inspiration is not garnered from the litanies of what may befall us; it resides in humanity’s willingness to restore, redress, reform, rebuild, recover, reimagine, and reconsider.”

“One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice,” is Mary Oliver’s description of moving away from the profane toward a deep sense of connectedness to the living world.

Millions of people are working on behalf of strangers, even if the evening news is usually about the death of strangers. This kindness of strangers has religious, even mythic origins, and very specific eighteenth-century roots. Abolitionists were the first people to create a national and global movement to defend the rights of those they did not know. Until that time, no group had filed a grievance except on behalf of itself. The founders of this movement were largely unknown – Granville Clark, Thomas Clarkson, Josiah Wedgwood – and their goal was ridiculous on the face of it: at that time three out of four people in the world were enslaved. Enslaving each other was what human beings had done for ages. And the abolitionist movement was greeted with incredulity. Conservative spokesmen ridiculed the abolitionists as liberals, progressives, do-gooders, meddlers, and activists. They were told they would ruin the economy and drive England into poverty.

But for the first time in history a group of people organized themselves to help people they would never know, from whom they would never receive direct or indirect benefit. And today tens of millions of people do this every day. It is called the world of non-profits, civil society, schools, social entrepreneurship, and non-governmental organizations, of companies who place social and environmental justice at the top of their strategic goals. The scope and scale of this effort is unparalleled inhistory.

“The living world is not “out there” somewhere, but in your heart.”

What do we know about life? In the words of biologist Janine Benyus, life creates the conditions that are conducive to life. I can think of no better motto for a future economy. We have tens of thousands of abandoned homes without people and tens of thousands of abandoned people without homes. We have failed bankers advising failed regulators on how to save failed assets.

Think about this: we are the only species on this planet without full employment. Brilliant. We have an economy that tells us that it is cheaper to destroy earth in real time than to renew, restore, and sustain it. You can print money to bail out a bank but you can’t print life to bail out a planet.

At present we are stealing the future, selling it in the present, and calling it gross domestic product. We can just as easily have an economy that is based on healing the future instead of stealing it. We can either create assets for the future or take the assets of the future. One is called restoration and the other exploitation. And whenever we exploit the earth we exploit people and cause untold suffering. Working for the earth is not a way to get rich, it is a way to be rich.

The first living cell came into being nearly 40 million centuries ago, and its direct descendants are in all of our bloodstreams. Literally you are breathing molecules this very second that were inhaled by Moses, Mother Teresa, and Bono. We are vastly interconnected. Our fates are inseparable. We are here because the dream of every cell is to become two cells. In each of you are one quadrillion cells, 90 percent of which are not human cells.

Your body is a community, and without those other microorganisms you would perish in hours. Each human cell has 400 billion molecules conducting millions of processes between trillions of atoms. The total cellular activity in one human body is staggering: one septillion actions at any one moment, a one with twenty-four zeros after it. In a millisecond, our body has undergone ten times more processes than there are stars in the universe – exactly what Charles Darwin foretold when he said science would discover that each living creature was a “little universe, formed of a host of self-propagating organisms, inconceivably minute and as numerous as the stars of heaven.”

So I have two questions for you all: First, can you feel your body? Stop for a moment. Feel your body. One septillion activities going on simultaneously, and your body does this so well you are free to ignore it, and wonder instead when this speech will end. Second question: who is in charge of your body? Who is managing those molecules? Hopefully not a political party. Life is creating the conditions that are conducive to life inside you, just as in all of nature. What I want you to imagine is that collectively humanity is evincing a deep innate wisdom in coming together to heal the wounds and insults of the past.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would become religious overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of God. Instead the stars come out every night, and we watch television.

This extraordinary time when we are globally aware of each other and the multiple dangers that threaten civilization has never happened, not in a thousand years, not in ten thousand years. Each of us is as complex and beautiful as all the stars in the universe. We have done great things and we have gone way off course in terms of honoring creation.

You are graduating to the most amazing, challenging, stupefying challenge ever bequested to any generation. The generations before you failed. They didn’t stay up all night. They got distracted and lost sight of the fact that life is a miracle every moment of your existence. Nature beckons you to be on her side. You couldn’t ask for a better boss. The most unrealistic person in the world is the cynic, not the dreamer. Hopefulness only makes sense when it doesn’t make sense to be hopeful. This is your century. Take it and run as if your life depends on it.

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Paul Hawken: A Direct, Naked, Shivering, Startling, Graceful Talk

By Mary Jaksch

When there’s a small blue slice of sky on a rainy day – do you immediately think that the weather’s about to clear up? Or do you think that it’s likely that the rain will persist?

Optimists think that difficult times will be short-lived. Whereas pessimist will tend to think that bad events will last a long time. But that’s not all. There are three crucial dimensions of optimism according to Prof. Martin Seligman:  Permanence, Pervasiveness, and Personalization.

In his book,  Learned Optimism Martin Seligman explains that it’s all about our habitual ways of explaining good and bad events to ourselves.

I’m particularly interested in his research because it ties in with my experience that we tend to think in stories, and the habitual stories we tell ourselves make the difference between happiness and suffering.

Permanence

Let’s take a look at how optimists and pessimists respond to bad events.

Pessimists believe the causes of the bad events that happen to them are permanent. Optimists believe the cause is temporary. Here are some examples from Martin Feldman’s bestseller Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life

In contrast, good events are seen as temporary by pessimists and permanent by optimists. Here is how that plays out:

As Seligman says:

People who believe good events have permanent causes try even harder after they succeed. People who see temporary reasons for good events may give up when they succeed, believing success was a fluke.
Permanence is about time. The second of the three aspects of optimism is about space.

Pervasiveness

Consider this example:

John and Hayden, both employees of the an advertising agency got fired on the same day. Both became depressed and found it difficult to apply for other jobs. But there was a significant difference. Joohn kept his ordinary life going. He met up regularly with his friends, he was a loving partner to his girlfriend, and kept up his regular running training.

Hayden, on the other hand, fell apart. He became withdrawn, and stopped exercising, the relationship with his wife soured, and his health suffered.

The reason for the difference is this:

Pessimists make universal explanations for their failures and then give up on everything. They are catastrophizers.

In contrast, optimists make specific explanations of for failure. And, whilst they might feel down about that particular failure, they tend to be able to continue strongly in other areas of their life. Here are two examples of how bad fortune is interpreted differently by catastrophizers and optimists:

The opposite happens when good fortune befalls us. A pessimist thinks that good fortune is due to specific, and not universal causes. Here are examples:

The Stuff of Hope

You can see quite easily how the two aspects of optimism, permanence and pervasiveness work together to create hope or despair.

Finding temporary and specific causes for misfortune is the art of  hope.
Finding permanent and universal causes for misfortune is the practice of despair.

There is a third aspect that is important in creating optimism.

Personalization

When bad things happen, we either blame ourselves (internalize) or other people or circumstances (externalize). Seligman explains that people who blame themselves when they fail suffer from low self-esteem as a consequence.

The flipside of externalizing blame is that it’s important to take personal responsibility for our actions, in order to change.

Can develop optimism?

According to Seligman,  we can learn to be more optimistic. That’s important is because research has shown that optimists have a significant advantage, compared with pessimists. Optimists do better at school, at work, or on the playing field. Their health is usually better and they are happier. Evidence even suggests that they live longer.

Because pessimism is a deeply ingrained habit of seeing the world, change can only come about through learning new thought habits, and not through simplistic strategies, such as repeating affirmations or playing happy music.

I’m an optimist. At least, I thought I was. Then I did Seligman’s Optimism Test which measures Permanence, Pervasiveness, and Personalization. I got only 5 out of 8 possible points. What that tells me is that I’m more pessimistic than I’m aware of – especially in regards to Permanence. I want to change that.

Would you like to join me for an experiment?

I suggest keeping an Optimism Journal for one week. In it we can record every time we notice ourselves saying something that is pessimistic, and then write a different version that is more optimistic, using the three aspects with their examples above.

What the Optimism Journal will do is to prepare the ground for change. In my experience, awareness of what we are doing with our mind is a crucial step on the road of change.

Next week I’ll present some sure-fire ways of developing optimism.

How do you rate your three dimensions of optimism?

Enjoy these related articles:

Counting Your Blessings: 5 Ways to Increase Happiness

7 Strategies for Good Luck

Photo by Meredith Farmer

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Rate YOUR Three Dimensions of Optimism

By Mary Jaksch

“Incremental change is better than ambitious failure” ~ Tony Schwartz

All of us fear change. There is a simple reason for this: change hurts.
In his article Understanding the Science of Change, Christopher Koch explains:

Change lights up an area of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, which is like RAM memory in a PC… Like RAM, the prefrontal cortex’s capacity is finite-it can deal comfortably with only a handful of concepts before bumping up against limits. That bump generates a palpable sense of discomfort and produces fatigue and even anger. That’s because the prefrontal cortex is tightly linked to the primitive emotional center of the brain, the amygdala, which controls our fight-or-flight response.

Apparently, even when someone gives us well-meaning advice, the prefrontal cortex soon threatens to become overloaded and exhausted. That’s one of the reasons we tend to get defensive.

The emotional cost of change.

All of us are resistant to change. Take a look at the following seven emotional responses that hinder change and see which ones you are prone to. (I’ve loosely followed a list compiled by psychologist A. J. Schuler)

• The risk of change seems greater than the risk of standing still.
• We feel connected to other people who identify with the old way.
• We lack of role models for the new activity
• We fear failure
• We feel overwhelmed
• Our self-image is threatened
• We are reluctant to learn something new

Why discipline doesn’t work.

Discipline takes a lot of energy, because we try to bend our will away from what might be most pleasurable in the moment and towards what may be useful in the long run.

Author Tony Schwartz says :

A growing body of scientific literature suggests that people have very limited stores of will and discipline. Most of our energy is consumed by our existing habits, and by our reactions to demands in the environment. If we want to introduce new behaviors in our lives, we can’t count on will and discipline to make them happen.

Use positive rituals.

A great way to start and maintain new habits is through using positive rituals. Personally, I’ve come through three extensive trainings: professional music, Zen, and karate. As a musician, I had to practice at least three hours a day. At times I was tired or felt no motivation. But I had no choice: in order to perform, I had to practice.

I would drag myself to the flute and would then follow the established ritual, step by step: put the flute together, play tone studies, scales, technical exercises, then studies, and finally practice my performance pieces. This elaborate ritual led me right through my practice routine, like someone taking me by the hand. And as I followed the ritual, I would find motivation and joy on the way.

In an interesting article in the Harvard Business Review, called Manage Your Energy, not Your Time , Tony Schwartz explains that positive rituals are “…behaviors that are intentionally practiced and precisely scheduled, with the goal of making them unconscious and automatic as quickly as possible.”

Together with Tony Schwartz, Jim Loehr wrote an inspiring and life-changing book: The Power of Full Engagement. In it they suggest using positive rituals  instead of discipline in order to change habits.

If we look at professions that demand peak performance, such as surgical teams, pilots, athletes, musicians and others, what we can observe is that they all use positive ritual to build focus and maintain safety. They don’t leave it to chance, conscious willpower, or discipline to come up with the right action.

Here then are practical ways to establish new habits without discipline:

Ten tips to change a habit by using positive rituals

1. Identify the value of the habit you want to establish.
To be truly effective, our goals must be aligned with our values. It’s not enough for someone else to say it’s a good thing to do. We ourselves must deem the goal worthy of sustained action.

2. Make your goal tangible
Let me give you an example: I’m establishing a daily physical workout at the moment. I’ve set myself a very simple goal. I want to fit into a slinky tango dress after four weeks of fitness training. I’ve taken a depressing ‘before’ shot that shows all the bulges in the wrong places, and will take another one at the end, hopefully showing a toned body. Fitting into a particular dress is a tangible goal. It works much better than saying something like: ‘I want to lose 3 kilos and have a resting pulse of 60 after four weeks of exercise’. Think of how you could make your particular goal more tangible.

3. Give yourself a clear time-frame
It’s easier to establish a habit if you give yourself a time-frame. An example would be, ‘I want to establish a daily meditation practice in the next 21 days.’ When setting a time-frame, keep in mind that new habits take at least three weeks to establish

4. Design and establish a positive ritual
Identify a flow of events that lead you to the action you want to establish as a habit. In his book The Power of Less, Leo Babauta talks of ‘triggers’. This is a similar idea. Establish a routine of events that lead, step by step, to the start of the action that is to become a habit.

5. Use your senses to make the ritual rich
Our senses are willing helpers that help us to make ritual meaningful.
Let’s take meditation as an example. The steps or early morning meditation could be as follows:
-    get out of bed and go to the bathroom
-    put on comfortable meditation clothes
-    put on some meditative music
-    make yourself your favourite tea in a little bowl
-    take your cup of tea to your meditation cushion
-    light a candle
-    turn off the music to enter silence
-    sit down in meditation posture and drink your tea – feel the heat of the bowl in your hands, smell the tea.
-    when you have finished the tea, place the cup by your side
-    start to meditate

In this example, I’ve used just about all the senses to establish a rich ritual. I’m sure you can imagine that you would be settled and disposed to meditate by the end of this ritual.

6.  Shout it from the roof top
Voicing our ideas creates activity and connectivity in the brain and creates a sense of ownership. It makes the habit ‘yours’.  Each time you explain why the new habit is important, you are convincing yourself and adding fuel to your motivation

7.    Feed you habit by reading
The more we know about our growing habit, the stronger it gets. If you are starting to exercise, reading about the experiences of others can inspire you. It’s particularly useful to read about your new habit before you go to sleep. In that way you prepare yourself for your next day’s session.

8.    Find buddies

Join with others who also want to change. If you’ve ever done physical training in a group you’ll know that we can achieve much more if there are others beside us. If we work with ‘buddies’, we utilize the synergy of all pouring energy into the same change.

9.    Report on your progress daily
This is an important piece of advice from Leo Babauta’s book. The act of reporting makes us accountable. And that is a great motivator. If you have found a buddy or have established a team, suggest that you report to each other.

10. Write a ‘Habit Journal’
This is where you document your new habit. Write down how you feel – with all the highs and lows. And also collect stats that pertain to your new habit.

Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going. ~Jim Ryun

These ten tips work for me, and I’m confident that they’ll work for you too.

There is one other thing that’s very important: whenever you work on your new habit, be fully engaged. In other words, you need to align all your energy: mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. The way to do that is to focus your whole being on your action.

Maybe you have some more tips on how to establish a habit without trying to force yourself through discipline. Or maybe you think discipline is absolutely necessary?
Please share your thoughts in the comments.

If you enjoyed this post, please tweet about it and boost it on Stumbleupon and Reddit – I’d appreciate it

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Top 10 Ways to Establish New Habits – WITHOUT Discipline