By Mary Jaksch

Are we optimists by nature? Tali Sharot shares new research that suggests our brains are wired to look on the bright side — and how that can be both dangerous and beneficial.
Watch the video below (if you reading this by email, go here to watch it).

What do you think- is Tali right, or not? Please share in the comments.

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want

By Mary Jaksch

Do you want to change?

Do you maybe want to become happy, wise, peaceful, or simply – a better person?

When you look deeply into your desire for change, you may find something uncomfortable at the bottom – a lack of self-love and self-acceptance.

In ancient teachings reaching right back to the time of the Buddha, we can find ways to cultivate loving-kindness toward ourselves and others.

Here’s the good news:

Each one of us has the capacity for boundless love and kindness.

That’s why it can’t be given or acquired.

We’re like water. Water can’t become any wetter, because being wet is not something apart from water.

In the same way, love and kindness are not attributes that we can add to our being. Our true self is loving and kind at its core.

Zen Master John Tarrant says :
If you are busy thinking you should be kind, you might miss the reality that kindness is already present. In you.

“Ok then,” – you might want to ask – “if that’s the case, why am I often grumpy and struggle to feel kindness in my heart?”

The answer is simple: our capacity for boundless love and kindness is buried deep within. So deep, that we sometimes can’t feel it at all. It’s as if the heart goes numb.

There is a way to uncover the natural radiance of your heart.

It won’t happen all at once, though.

Think of the process like a bud opening. At first it’s closed and you can’t even see what it will become. Then – little by little – the bud begins to unfurl and finally the flower appears in all its beauty.

You can’t hurry up the process. You can’t bend the petals of a bud outwards in order to make it flower sooner. Well, maybe you can, but the bud will be ruined.

Can YOU feel deeply – or is your heart numb?

It can happen to all of us that our heart goes numb. At such times, even if we know that we love others, or that we love life – we can’t quite feel it. It’s like looking out over a landscape on a misty day. You can sense the outlines, but clarity is missing.

If your heart is asleep, you feel numb. It’s like watching life through a glass pane.

Children can show us what it’s like for the heart to be awake.

A few days ago I was in a parking lot at a supermarket. There was a truck beside me with two young girls in it, waiting for their mother. In the front was a little five-year old redhead. Suddenly the little red-head leaned out of the window. She was so excited, her whole body wriggled.

“I can see her,” she shouted to her older sister on the back seat , “I can see Mummy!”

When was the last time you loved like that – so deeply, so keenly?

Sometimes the only time we feel love so deeply as adults, is when we first fall in love – or when we lose someone we love.

Why does the heart go numb?

Numbness of the heart is a natural protection from pain. Every time we have a painful experience, we tend to grow a protective layer around our heart. The awful thing is that this protective layer doesn’t just shield us from pain, it numbs all emotions.

There is a way we try to rationalize our numb heart. Maybe we think, “I’m a realist, not a romantic”, or “I don’t like all that lovey-dovey stuff,” or, “I’d rather not get hurt.” Or we respond to others or ourselves in a sarcastic, cutting or snide way. These are all signs of a numb heart.

How can the heart awaken?

There is a natural way of awakening the heart that we all know about. It’s falling in love. Ask any one who is freshly in love, and they will rave about how wonderful the person they love is. And how beautiful the world is. How bright the colors are, and how unique and wonderful every human being is.

But there is a problem … the euphoria doesn’t last.

Luckily, there is another way of awakening the heart. A way that lasts. And that is through loving-kindness practice.

What loving-kindness does is to ease away the protective layers around the heart. The practice of loving-kindness (or Metta) allows love to transform us.

What holds us back from the transformation of love is fear. The English psychoanalyst John McMurray spoke of people being either ‘fear-determined’ or ‘love-determined’:

There are two…emotional attitudes through which human life can be radically determined. They are love and fear. The fear-determined have no sun in themselves and go about putting out the sun in other people. Whereas the love-determined have life in them, abundant life. They are the people who are really alive, of whom it can be said that they possess eternal life as a well within them perpetually springing.

Is your life determined by love or by fear?

As John McMurray says, “the fear-determined … go about putting out the sun in other people.”

What does he mean by, “Putting out the sun in other peope”?

It’s when we focus on other people’s faults and weaknesses. It’s when we put others down, when we use snide or sarcastic comments in order to put out their light.

If you are ruled by fear, you not only go about putting out the light of others, you also extinguish your own light.

Here are the thoughts that put out your own sun:

“No use trying!”, “I’m hopeless at that!”, “I’ll never learn!”, “This is too difficult!”

Each time you play these negative tapes, you extinguish your light, and negate your potential. And when you look at others and their perceived talent and success, you may feel envy – which is really a wish to extinguish the light of others.

How can we move from fear towards love?

The key is intimacy

We move from fear towards love when we start to connect deeply with ourselves.

What does that mean?

It means being present to our experience of the moment. Whether we experience joy, or anguish, or restlessness, or fear, or anger – if we shine the soft light of awareness on our experience, we are no longer separate from ourselves.

What is the natural state of the heart?

Imagine that you release your heart from all the protective layers. What do you find at the core?

What you find is that the heart is joyful, radiant, and boundless. Our natural way of being is a state of intimate connection with all beings.

Maybe you feel worlds away from such an experience?

It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because we are all on a path. All that counts is that everything we do moves us closer to our aspirations. On the spiritual path there is no fast or slow. There are no big or small steps. All you need to do is to practice loving-kindness – and little by little, your radiant heart will shine through.

How to uncover the radiant heart within.

You can uncover the radiant heart by practicing loving-kindness, or metta meditation. This meditation was taught by the Buddha as an antidote to fear. It’s the practice of cherishing the goodness in us, as well as in others. Thich Nhat Hanh translates the term loving-kindness or metta as “the intention and capacity to offer joy and happiness.”

The most important point here is that you need to start with yourself. You need to offer yourself loving-kindness.  It’s the foundation of loving-kindness practice.

Here is a simple loving-kindness meditation. It can slowly strip away the layers of protection, and reveal the radiant heart at the core of your being.

As you breathe in – cherish yourself
As you breathe out – cherish all beings

At first, you may find it difficult to cherish yourself. Sometimes, we can be our worst enemy. It may even seem selfish to cherish yourself.

However, when you say, ‘May I be at ease?’ – who is the one you are cherishing?

Is the “I” you dedicate your loving-kindness to …  just this bag of skin?

The magic of loving-kindness is that as you go deeper into the practice, you find that this ‘I’, this self – is without boundary.

The self includes mountains, rivers, wasps, hedgehogs, the warmth of the summer sun, the sharp winter wind, those close, and those far away. This ‘I’, this self, contains the whole universe.

As you breathe in – cherish yourself
As you breathe out – cherish all beings

You can either practice this during seated meditation, or you can pull out this meditation at odd moments during the day.

Here is a story that shows how to cherish something or someone completely. It’s from Maurice Sendak, the author the magical children’s book, Where the Wild Things Are.

Once a little boy sent me a charming card with a little drawing on it.

I loved it. I answer all my children’s letters — sometimes very hastily — but this one I lingered over. I sent him a card and I drew a picture of a Wild Thing on it. I wrote, “Dear Jim: I loved your card.”

Then I got a letter back from his mother and she said, “Jim loved your card so much he ate it.”

That to me was one of the highest compliments I’ve ever received. He didn’t care that it was an original Maurice Sendak drawing or anything. He saw it, he loved it, he ate it.”

- Maurice Sendak

See. Love. Eat.

This little boy knew how to cherish completely.

Loving-kindness practice is simple. But it can transform the way you experience life.

As your heart’s capacity for love and kindness grows, you’ll find a great fullness of being, discover a warm kinship with all beings, and reveal the radiant heart within.

What happens when you try this meditation? Please share in the comments.

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want

A guest post by Stefanie Flaxman of Revision Fairy

It’s healthy to possess a bit of envy for individuals you admire.

These people do what you want to do—they’ve got what you want.

But if envy doesn’t motivate you to take practical action, it’s a dangerous quality.

Your world becomes a place of what other people have or what other people do in contrast to what you don’t have and what you don’t do.

Practical action involves many tiny steps that often seem inconsequential, but it’s these individual steps that produce a substantial final product.

When you focus on the process, you understand what another person did to get that something that you want. You recognize common ground, and your goal becomes more attainable.

Consider Teenager Tom’s envy of a classmate who works at an ice cream shop. Tom works part-time at his parents’ travel agency, but he’s not interested in travel; he constantly fantasizes about spending his afternoons grazing on mini-spoon samples of frozen goodness.

What choice does Tom have? He can continue glamorizing his classmate’s life, or he can take a step.

The first step is to ask his parents if he could get a new job at the ice cream shop instead of his current gig. Let’s assume the conversation goes well and after a short time, he attains a job at the ice cream shop.

Hooray! (For now.)

Here’s what often happens when we reach a goal. After a few weeks at the ice cream shop, nothing in the world is more boring to Tom than ice cream. He knows every flavor, every topping, every scooping method, etc. He’s the Bubba Gump of ice cream.

His mind starts wandering over to the next best thing.

The ice cream shop has lost its intrigue, and Tom’s envy of his classmate has subsequently faded. The experience served a purpose, but it’s time for Tom to move on.

“Every mind must know the whole lesson for itself—must go over the whole ground. What it does not see, what it does not live, it will not know.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

When you get something that you think you want, sometimes you do wholeheartedly love it. Sometimes it temporarily satisfies a desire, but ultimately it’s not for you at all.

Your original envy may seem a little silly in retrospect. Remember that silliness amongst passive wishing and wanting for something more than what you already have.

Experience the mystery to learn more about it and get your next clue.

“If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want your children to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.”

~ Albert Einstein

Assume a limitless attitude regardless of what anyone else says.

You have to cheer yourself on if you want to create a new part of your reality.

Taking action to achieve your goals isn’t necessarily exhausting yourself and discounting the joy already present in your life. Make the right sacrifices.

If you discover that the process isn’t enjoyable, instead of envying the person who committed to that work to achieve that goal, find the work—a true passion—that suits you.

Set your eye on the prize. Adjust the path to that prize accordingly.

There aren’t some people who can do everything that they want to do and some people who can’t. The only difference is that some people do.

What’s the first step you have to take?

Stefanie Flaxman is the founder of Revision Fairy. Follow @RevisionFairy to keep up with Stefanie’s philosophy for writing and editing your life.

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want

By Mary Jaksch

Technology is shaping our modern relationships: with others, and with ourselves.
How is technology changing the way we relate to each other? Are we connected – but alone?

In the video below, Sherry Turkle explores how technology is redefining human connection.
(If you are reading this by email, please view the video here)

The feeling that ‘no one is listening to me’ make us want to spend time with machines that seem to care about us.” (Sherry Turkle)

What are you thoughts about this? Do you agree or not? (Let’s have a conversation in the comments)

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want

By Mary Jaksch

When the mind is neither in the past or the future and we are completely present, our experience changes in a significant way.

Suddenly life seems more spacious and more peaceful.

When we are mindful, we are available for life, and aren’t trapped in our own little world.

Whether it’s peacefulness, or anger, or boredom, or elation, or fear – mindfulness allows us to notice what we are experiencing right now.

Mindfulness means bringing full, soft attention to the task at hand.

All of us tend to let our mind drift when faced with a boring task. The good news is that if we pull ourselves back into the present moment, the task is transformed and boredom soon disappears. So, whether it’s washing the dishes, or cutting carrots, or driving in the rush hour – mindfulness can transform ‘lost’ time into islands of ease.

In his book The Miracle of Mindfulness,  Thich Nhat Hanh says:

The first function of mindfulness is to recognize what is there. The second function of mindfulness is to embrace it and to get deeply in touch with it.

The first step of mindfulness is to notice what our experience of this moment is like.

Whether it’s peacefulness, or anger, or boredom, or elation, or fear – mindfulness allows us to notice where we are at. But we need to go beyond that, we need to become intimate with what is there.

The second step of mindfulness is to connect so deeply that we become what we experience.

Pause for a moment, look away from the screen and take one complete, deep breath.

Did you experience your breath?

I expect you’ll say ‘yes’. But what about going deeper? Did you become the breath?

Mindfulness transforms

Thich Nath Hanh says:

There’s a seed of anger in every one of us. There is also a seed of fear, a seed of despair. And when the seed of anger or fear, we should be able to recognize it, to embrace it tenderly, and to transform it. And the agent of transformation and healing is called mindfulness.

Mindfulness has the power to transform clinging into generosity, anger into compassion, and isolation into intimacy.

It’s important to be compassionate towards the part of you that wants and wants and wants, and never gets what it yearns for. And with the part that is angry, or sullen, or resentful, or irritated. And with the part that is lonely, aloof, or preoccupied. Or with the part that is fearful, anxious, or rigid. Meet these parts of yourself with tender regard.

Here’s a simple way to practice mindfulness in everyday life:

Whenever you notice that your mind is straying away from the task at hand, stop for a moment. Then touch forefinger and thumb for one complete in-and out-breath. Then continue your task and notice what changes through becoming mindful.

What happens when you become mindful? Please share in the comments.

Images by pranav, abiogis50, Steve Hanson.

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want

By Mary Jaksch

Instead of focusing on mental and emotional problems, Positive Psychology investigates wellness, happiness, and other emotions that help us enjoy life and reach our full potential.

Here is a fascinating talk by Ronald D. Siegel, Psy.D., Assistant Clinical Professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School. In the following video he discusses what it takes to be happy.

(If you’re reading this by email click here to watch the video)

What do you think – is Prof. Siegel right? Please share in the comments

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want

Happiness

By Mary Jaksch

Do you want to feel happier?

Sometimes life can feel like an uphill battle. You struggle and struggle – and it just doesn’t seem to get any easier.

Sounds familiar?

Many people wonder how to feel happier. Even a little more happiness can make all the difference.

You re-discover joy and let go of worry: it’s like shedding a burden.

Why happiness is important

Well, it feels good –  for one thing.

Happiness makes us feel that life is a wonderful adventure.

And – most importantly – happiness is infectious: the world smiles back at us.

Conversely, when we are unhappy – we spread gloom.

How to boost happiness

The psychologist  Nathaniel Branden, who is considered to be the father of the self-esteem movement, came up with a simple way to boost happiness: the process of question-completion.

Here is how it works:

You use an incomplete sentence, and then quickly jot down six ways to complete it. Branden originally used this method to boost self-esteem, but it works to boost happiness as well.

Complete this sentence:

To bring 5% more happiness to my life …

How to do the sentence-completion exercise:

• Write what comes into your mind; don’t edit your thoughts.
• Don’t worry if you contradict yourself.
• Write down at least six completions each time you use the technique.
• Try completing this sentence each morning for seven days.

What’s next?

What’s next is up to you.

Try it. You may find that it helps you find new pathways to happiness. Are you willing to give it a try?

Let us know in the comments what you think about this strategy.

Image courtesy of LugoLounge

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want

You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging ~ Brené Brown

Brené Brown

By Mary Jaksch

How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections?
How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to know that we are enough, that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?

Watch the inspiring video below by Brené Brown. She is a research professor at the University of Houston and has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, and  authenticity. In the video below, Brené explores the power of vulnerability and the concept of Wholeheartedness.

If you are reading this in an email, click here to watch the video.

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want

By Mary Jaksch

Hands up if you are a leader!

Did you hesitate? If so, it’s because we’ve made leadership into something beyond us. We’ve taken this title leader and we treat it as if it’s something we’re one day going to deserve. To call ourselves a leader right now seems to be arrogant and cocky.

What if that’s wrong?
What if there are moments every day when you are a leader? What if we’ve forgotten to cherish the small acts of everyday leadership that make the world a better place?

Watch the inspiring video below by Drew Dudley who talks about ‘Everyday Leadership’.

(If you’re reading this by email, click here to watch the video)

What is your experience of everyday leadership? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want

A guest post by Christopher Foster of The Happy Seeker

Life can be unpredictable at times (English understatement). What do we do when trouble or disaster looms suddenly?

Here’s a lesson I learned many years ago:

I was 22 or 23, burning brush on a ranch in British Columbia. I must have been daydreaming because I looked up and saw with horror that the fire I had set was getting away on me.

It was putting on speed and galloping toward the nearby forest in an ever-widening circle.

Yikes. Nothing like a fire to focus the mind.

I jumped up, grabbed my shovel, and beat desperately at the nearest flames. I continued doing this for a few moments, putting some of the flames out, or so I thought. But when I looked back, I saw that the pesky little monsters I thought I had erased were simply re-creating themselves and springing back to life.

I felt a moment of panic. But then this interesting thing happened. It was like a quiet voice inside me gave me an instruction. “Be still,” it said. “Slow down and think, or this is going to turn into a nightmare.” I listened to that little voice. So much patience it took.

I began to move slowly and methodically around the circle of flames, making very sure that each section of the fire was out before I moved on. I don’t know how long it took. But perhaps half an hour later I stood up and looked around and saw a wonderful sight. The nearby haystacks were safe. The nearby forest was safe. I had two large, cold drinks and thanked my lucky stars.

Listen to our own inner wisdom

As our lives become increasingly busy and the world wobbles in alarming ways there is one thing, I have learned, upon which I can always depend. Listening to the little nudges of my own heart. I don’t catch them all but I sure do my best. Three steps that are essential in my experience are these.

Three essential steps.

1. Stop. Slow down. Sometimes, faced with an emergency, we simply act spontaneously as the situation demands. But most of the time, with a difficult decision to make, or a priority to choose, we have time to be still for a moment and step back from the situation. For me, that is always the first step.

2. Listen Life is very clever. Sometimes it only needs that moment of silence for the answer to a problem to appear. Sometimes it happens when we give up. But as you make a habit of listening to that still small voice within yourself will find something quite magical happens. You realize that stillness is not empty. All the wisdom of the universe is there. We have not been forgotten.

3. Trust The last step is trust. I honestly don’t know what would have happened in my little story if I had not trusted my inner voice. In my experience there is a hand of grace upon every one of us.

It is not wisdom that comes from far away, it is our own grace and it loves us. It will never leave us. But we have to do our bit and listen.

Christopher Foster is an author, blogger, and teacher. He writes about aging and the unconquerable spirit in us all from the perspective of a 79-year-old. For more from Christopher please visit The Happy Seeker.

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want