.

Horoscopes For Free Astrology

2008-10-15T12:37:00.002-04:00

HOROSCOPES AND THE GREATEST FREE ASTROLOGY FOR YOU AND ME

Horoscopes will be made available for free on this site on a weekly basis so be sure to check back for the continuing saga that is your astrological destiny.

Aries: It would appear that animals are playing a larger role in your life this week than usual. Try to get close to one but not too close. There is no need to worry about that new promotion anymore, you have something more incredible in store. Wear gloves.

Taurus: Time to cool down with the stories. People are starting to doubt things about you, like your gender. Stick to talking about fish. Growing up gets easy this week as learn about the true identity of one of your parents. A stranger is watching your favorite commercial.

Gemini: Looks like there isn't really two sides to you after all. It is just the booze. Empty out everything in your home that is in a can. Brushing things this week will lead to prosperity. Avoid taking in lost children, unless they are vietnamese.

Cancer: Some will say you look larger than usual. You do. There's nothing wrong with packing on a few extra pounds so eat more goat. The sun is shining today in your house and that means more shadow puppets. Empty everyone else's mailboxes.

Leo: Don't forget to wash behind someone's ears. There is something headed your way that is large and slick. A new job would suit you well but you are unemployable. Pay more attention to monkeys when they are naked. Touch things.

Virgo: The sign of the Virgin huh? I don't think so. Why do you bother wearing pants? The color green is on your ground. Start taking down fences that you put up to protect yourself, there is nothing of value there. Eat something stolen.

Libra: Your handwriting gives you away this week. Try communicating in pantomime. Somebody close to you is contagious. Remember the holiday that is fast approaching, it will involve a party that doesn't need you. Fire and your pets can be friends.

Scorpio: Jello will lead the way but not on an escalator. Getting dirty this week will open doors, mostly to bathrooms. There isn't much in the way of romance. Try not to smell as terrible as usual. Your manners will reward you with condiments.

Saggitarius: Travel will lead you somewhere. Not all coats were made for you. There is somebody knocking on your door this week, they have the wrong address. A movie will open your mind to new possibilities, it will be about jumping.

Capricorn: Just because you are the sign of the goat does not mean you have to spend so much time with one. Step back a little, moving forward isn't for you. The bell going off isn't about an idea so much as it is about fire.

Aquarius: This is a good week for relationships, you will need protection. A foul smell indicates it's time to eat. Watch the sky for birds, that's where they go to get away from you. Most of your dreams will be realized by other people. You have a friend in sand.

Pisces: Don't be such a fish this week, bears are lurking and they enjoy peanut butter. If you find something new on your face, leave it. Relatives are thinking about how much you cost them. Moving can result in different places. Scissors are important to your diet.

Check back again next week for some of the greatest revelations in the world of astrology and continue to follow your free Horoscopes.

Football Player Charged Not The Greatest Play

2008-10-14T17:44:00.006-04:00

FOOTBALL PLAYER RUNNING BACK CHARGED WITH ASSAULT
Larry Johnson, a running back with Kansas City has been charged with assault. This is the third time for him since joining the team. It would appear to be the second time involving a woman under similar circumstances.

It is difficult to understand how a young superstar football player with his entire career ahead of him would allow something like this to happen. Multi-million dollar contracts usually, although not always, but usually make people feel better about their lot in life and make the weeks go by just a little faster with considerable ease. If he wants a new car he can run out and get one or two or three. If his neighbours are bothering him, he can put up a wall to compeltely encompass his home or just spend the evening at one of his other homes, in the Far East.

This tendency of professional athletes, especially football players, to be charged with assault is quite a mystery. You would think that engaging in a sport like football would enable people to get all of their frustrations out and not have any pent up anger remaining. I understand baseball players getting into scraps off the field. That is understandable considering all the standing around they do, wondering if anything is going to happen. Then they have to go a sit down and wait some more to see if anything is going to happen. Worst part is that while they are sitting around doing nothing, they can't do anything to help things along. However, a football player can always be involved. Football players are always moving and football players usually don't stop until there is a whole lot of contact.

The Greatest Part. You would think being a football player is a great way to empty out all your frustrations and get paid ridiculous amounts of money to do it all at the same time. Being a professional football player definitely has to be one of the greatest jobs in the world. It would be a shame to see someone like Johnson blow such a great opporutunity. Not to mention ruin the reputation of all the great Larry Johnsons in sport who came before him.

People Younger and Younger Turn to Drugs to Boost Brain Power

2008-10-13T15:35:00.004-04:00

Drugs and Brain Power for Young People Could Become the Greatest Tragedy
A recent study discovered by the BBC has revealed that nearly 20% of adults, that’s 1 in five for those of you whose brains work the other way, may be using various forms of prescription drugs to enhance their mental acuity.

The study is eye opening for a number of reasons. The first and foremost of which is the types of drugs that are being used. These are not the over the counter natural additive type tablets you can find in the drug store. This is not a sudden rediscovery of caffeine pills.

The drugs being used on a daily basis include Ritalin. Ritalin has historically been used to treat hyperactive children in a unique fashion. Following comprehensive study of these people, particularly younger people, children, it was discovered that hyperactivity is based on a difficulty in focusing. In actuality, the brain is requiring a type of stimulus to increase focus. It would appear on first glance of a hyperactive child that they are more stimulated than necessary. However, that would be an inaccurate description of brain activity.

In fact, the child requiring Ritalin does so because they are having difficulty with concentration. The drugs enable better concentration. At least that is what Ritalin is supposed to do with a child experiencing the difficulties discussed. Now it would appear that an inordinate number of individuals who did not use the drug as children are turning to it for help.

What is causing concern is that the adults who are turning to these drugs to boost their brain power are getting younger and younger. The study showed that approximately 17% of students in American universities admitted to using the drug on one or more occasions for the purpose of enhancing their learning abilities. The drug is being used to stimulate focus, concentration or memory. The construct in which these drugs are being used is new with limited data available on its actual effect on brain power.

Another drug that is being used quite often to achieve the same ends appears to be Provigil. This is a somewhat more powerful drug in that it is often prescribed to people suffering from Narcolepsy, a rare sleep disorder. This condition is not particularly linked to brain power.

The Greatest Concern. Doctors examining this new information are calling for increased reviews of the drug and safety testing since they now appear to be used outside of their intended clinical setting. The big concern is that of addiction. Extended use of the drug would have to be examined on healthy people. This new widespread use is occurring amongst individuals who did not show the classic symptomatic need for the medication and therefore the possibility of abuse is a tremendous concern.

Once further trials are conducted more conclusions can be reached about the drugs’ addictive properties and the effect the drug will have on young developing brains. There is never an absolute when it comes to prescription medication. Often a drug prescribed for one purpose can have multiple effects. More importantly, the amount of the drug consumed can result in significantly different outcomes. Unfettered widespread use of medication will have to be more closely regulated in the future or else the consequences, particularly on young people, will be dire.

The Greatest Future Love Predictions: How to Dump Somebody During The Holidays

2008-10-12T15:20:00.004-04:00

How To Dump With the Greatest of Holiday Style
Seeing as Thanksgiving is upon us, it is only right to inform you there is a good chance that you or somebody you know is about to get dumped. It is ceremonial. In many cultures, it is an accepted right of passage. It is distinctly possible that you have even instigated the holiday time dump without even being aware of it. It is a part of our culture that has been engrained in our psyche for centuries.

During the holidays we tend to spend a great deal of time with families. We are reminded of a great many things. The first thing we are reminded about is where we come from. This tends to result in two significantly different reactions. We can choose to take a great deal of pride in our family and what they stand for and accomplish. In so doing, we create unconscious checklists for ourselves that we continue to follow throughout our lives guiding us in a direction that will make us more like those things about our family that we admire. However, we may choose to dislike our families. A holiday gathering is seen as a reminder of all those qualities we despise in humanity and we thus swear both consciously and unconsciously to do everything we can to distance ourselves from the family unit.

Whatever choice we make in determining how we feel about our family, we take that assessment into our relationships. We choose mates in accordance to what we have learned during our upbringing even though we are completely unaware of the selection process. The family is the template used to measure the potential index of any given relationship. Therefore, whenever we are given the opportunity to observe our family together, the conscious and unconscious checklist is busy assessing the state of the relationship we currently hold. The best time for us to observe family all together, particularly as we get older, is during the holidays.

So the decision to dump somebody during the holidays comes about as a series of very simple assessments. For example, the family get together reminds you how much you hate your father, your boyfriend reminds you of your father, the dump is in play. Perhaps, you come home from school for the holidays, your mother behaves in that particular way that drives you crazy, you realize you have chosen a girl who does all the same things as your mother, the dump is in play.

Therefore with the holiday gathering providing the reminding catalyst, here is how you dump somebody during the holidays. Say for example you have your mate over to the house for Thanksgiving dinner. While sitting at the table, your mate asks you to pass the gravy. You ask if they prefer the gravy poured over the turkey or on the side for dipping. Your mate answers that they prefer it on the side. You can break up on the spot because that is just crazy. Put down the gravy and storm out of the room. You’ll never have to see that person again. The truth is you can storm out and end the relationship no matter what the answer because only insane people feed off of helpless birds that can’t fly. A good person would have rescued that turkey instead of sticking a fork in it.

The Greatest Part. Another great example comes during Christmas but it is just as effective for those celebrating Hannukah or Kwanza. Let’s say you are wrapping presents for loved ones. You turn to your mate and ask if they enjoyed holiday stories and cartoons when they were a child. If your mate answers yes then you can drop the presents and throw all the remaining wrapping paper in the fire as you scream and run out of the house, ending the relationship. Everybody knows that holiday stories and cartoons are fictional depictions of illusory characters and themes that lead to delusional beliefs in children and ungodly religious practices in adults that in turn lead to false hope and irrational thinking. If your mate answers no, you can still storm out declaring the end of the relationship because what kind of psychopath doesn’t enjoy holiday stories and cartoons when they were a child.

For all other holiday events just add “you are just like your mother” or “you are just like your father” after anything your mate says. For example, you ask your mate if they were interested in going somewhere special during the holidays. Your mate responds with “I was thinking about taking you on a private jet to Fiji for the weekend and then a quick jaunt over to Vegas where I have a new Porsche waiting for you that we can drive together back home.” Then you say, “You are just like your mother.” Trust me, that should do it. Happy Holidays!

Family Nudist Photo Gallery

2008-10-12T13:57:00.004-04:00

Family Nudist No Thank You Leads to Greatest Scare
Everyone enjoys a good story about traveling. Sometimes you’ll hear about international intrigue. Maybe somebody you know was questioned by INTERPOL because they looked like a wanted fugitive. Perhaps they were sent to an embassy to confirm that everything was alright with their passport and wondered if they were going to see the outside again. Maybe they bumped into an international spy and didn’t even know it.

So many different and amazing things can happen to you or somebody you know while they are away traveling. However, some people have stories that are better kept to themselves. There are certain stories that simply are not intended for human consumption. There are public matters that are fun to share with others like a tour or some historical information about the Vatican or perhaps favourite getaway spots for celebrities. Then there are things that can’t be unlearned. These are the types of things that certain people should keep to themselves because the simple mention of them are horrifying. Perhaps the thought may even completely debilitate another human being.

Not too long ago my uncle and his third wife decided they were going on a trip. They decided they would hit the UK, Spain, Portugal, Hong Kong, Indonesia and a number of other places. It was their chance to see a bunch of places they hadn’t yet visited in their lives. The trip took them just over five weeks and they returned home not too long ago with a great bunch of stories.

A cousin of mine was having a brunch at his home and decided to invite a bunch of family members over. We don’t all get to see each other that often so these get-togethers are great because they don’t happen that often. The weather was perfect and we were all going in and out of my cousin’s house and periodically sitting around this great table he has in his backyard with a huge umbrella opened above to shelter people who didn’t want to get too much sun. The food kept coming all afternoon and it was done just right.

After we had the chance to catch up with several family members whom we had not seen in a long time, my uncle and his wife arrived and made their way outside to the picnic table where I happened to be sitting. They were all smiles and were excited to share stories of their travels overseas.

My uncle sat down next to me and had his wife take out a photo album that she had in her purse. It was the size of an average paperback novel and filled with pictures from their trip. My uncle explained that he had taken hundreds of shots. Many of them were pretty amazing and as he was showing them to me, he would describe the events that surrounded that particular picture and it was great because they were arranged by the order of places they visited. We went through a couple dozen shots when we came across a set representing their time in Bali, Indonesia. The first few pictures depicted their arrival at the airport, some incredible architecture in the city and then it happened.

My uncle explained that Bali is known for its incredible beaches. As he continued to describe the beaches he turned to the next photograph which at first was difficult to figure out. Then it hit me. It was a picture of a nude beach. It was my uncle and his wife at the nude beach. It was horrifying. I wasn’t sure at first what I was looking at because it resembled two large dehydrated marshmallows with peculiar marks and appendages but it was them. NUDE! My uncle and his wife are in their late seventies, they don’t adhere to any particular fitness regiment, skin obviously can not be ironed and I just finished eating. This did not make for a good combination.

The Greatest Part. I immediately closed the album and explained I had to get up and get some air. When my uncle explained we were already outside, I explained I was going to just check out the consequences of poking out my eyes. I made sure there weren’t any children in close proximity to the album. I also grabbed my cousin’s dogs and took them inside so they wouldn’t mistake any of the photographs for beef jerky.

I’ve seen many disturbing things throughout my life that have haunted me but eventually they faded and became distant memories. Unfortunately, I have never been able to eradicate the images of my uncle’s naked geriatric jaunt in the Far East. I can only hope time will heal my wounds. Keep this story in mind the next time one of your relatives say “Hey, I got something to show you.”

Fake Driving License For the UK is The Greatest Mistake

2008-10-11T16:46:00.004-04:00

FAKE DRIVING LICENSE IN UK IS CRAZY
A fake driving license for the UK is like candy corn cake in a New York Deli. Nobody in their right mind would go out of their way to get a fake driving license in the UK. The ramifications are just not worth it. There are so many alternatives available, all of which are preceded by getting an actual driver’s license for the region. Getting a real license by the way, is not a difficult thing to do unless you happen to be broken or a child in which case there are far better options available.

The first question you should be asking yourself is why on earth would you want to drive in the UK. For starters, they drive on the wrong side of the road. Unless of course you already come from that part of the world, in which case you are probably used to it however, you should know that you are driving on the wrong side of the road. It is unclear how more people over there haven’t risen up against their government to insist that you all be able to drive on the proper side. It must be driving you all crazy. Not to mention how all the cars have the driver’s seat and passenger’s seats reversed. That would probably be a quite costly venture to correct.

Another reason you don’t want to pick up a fake driving license for the UK is that they all drive like crazy people. There is no sense of yielding to oncoming or merging traffic over there. The attitude is more like “I’m coming in. What ya gonna do about it?” Many a time I have been a passenger in a friend’s car and wondered if we were actually going to make it through a given intersection safely. It is crazy. The biggest challenge driving over there, particularly if you are not originally from there, is figuring out where you are supposed to drive. Sure it seems easy at first glance but just wait until you try it the first few times. Figuring out Ikea instructions is easier.

The Greatest Part is how crazy the actual road conditions are over there. Most of the country was designed for a population about one tenth the size it is today. Therefore, the roads are narrow and can barely handle the volume of traffic. The big cities like London, have not attempted too much redevelopment of the roads and therefore most only look like they can handle traffic in one direction when in fact they are going both ways. Good luck on most of those streets by the way if there are cars parked on them. That is a lot of fun. That’s when you get to wait in a line for all the traffic to finish coming through from the other direction before you can proceed.

I haven’t even told you about the bus drivers over there who are also a little nuts. They go flying around and don’t care about looking out for you because they figure if anything happens the city will take care of them. They don’t care about anything except finishing their routes safely. You should see the bullet proof glass that surrounds them on each bus.

Perhaps the only fun thing about driving over there is that pedestrians don’t really matter. People get knocked over and smashed up by cars, trucks and buses over there like it’s a sport. It really is something to behold. There are designated areas for people to go across streets where cars are supposed to stop and let people pass but they don’t. It is so crazy over there when it comes to pedestrians that a bunch of cross walks and street corners actually have words painted on the ground as directions to the pedestrians that say “look left” or “look right”. How many people do you think were knocked over before they decided to start painting directions on the ground? More importantly, how confusing do you think the street and driving conditions are that somebody felt as though walking directions were necessary.

Trust me, toss the fake driving license for the UK in the Thames river and jump on a bus or Tube (the subway). They will get you anywhere you have to go and increase your life expectancy by approximately eight years.

Top Five Greatest Things Men Notice About Women and The Reason Why The Roman Empire Fell

2008-10-10T20:14:00.005-04:00

WHAT MEN NOTICE ABOUT WOMEN MYSTERY SOLVED
This is the kind of information the beauty industry has paid big bucks over the years trying to figure out. If the truth was known, fortunes would crumble. Entire financial empires would disappear over night because they are dependent on maintaining a false reality. There are a few critical things when it comes to the ingredients a man looks for in a woman. Nothing else really matters. If this information had been released earlier, women all around the world would be a little bit wealthier and both men and women would be a lot happier. In particular, men and women might finally be happy together.

Therefore, in the interest of peace and goodwill I give you the top five things men notice about women. For simplicity sake I will give you all five things in no particular order. The formula for calculating the exact order is far too complex and involves mathematical equations and smelt, the likes of which are far beyond the purview of this article.

1. The senses of humours. A little known fact to the bulk of the population is that women happen to have incredible senses of humours. If people took a little more time to listen and focus in, they would discover women’s senses of humours are enlightening, uplifting and pleasant to the touch. You can place yourself comfortably in the senses of humours of most women and you are almost always guaranteed a smile. Some women have huge senses of humours and some have smaller senses of humours but regardless of the size, good senses of humours makes everyone happy.

2. Personalities. A woman’s personalities are critical in catching the eye of man during those first few moments they meet. Ideally, a woman’s personalities should jump out and hit you in the face. If your personalities just sit there and hide, men aren’t going to take notice. However, when personalities stand up at attention and say “Hey check out these personalities!” Then the whole world can become your oyster. The key to catching the attention of a smart, responsible gentlemen, is well seasoned and properly groomed personalities.

3. Confidences. There isn’t anything in the world more appealing to a man than a woman with tremendous confidences. A woman with great confidences has a way about her. She walks differently, she talks differently and she certainly knows how to stand out in a crowd. A man can easily spot a woman with tremendous confidences across a busy room. In fact, he may not be able to focus on anything else. That is the kind of effect that great confidences have on a man. Take a good look at woman with killer confidences next time and you’ll see how hard it is to take your eyes off of her.

4. Compassions. This is a difficult thing for most men to talk about. It is difficult because men don’t like to be perceived as weak. Often, for a man to say that he is looking for a woman with sweet compassions, makes him feel like less of a man. Don’t be fooled ladies. Without question, men are always looking for a woman with a lot of compassions. After a long hard day, most men wouldn’t like anything more than to come home and bury his face in the warm embrace of a good woman’s compassions. That is The Greatest thing in the world. In fact, most men would prefer to stay in the comforting embrace of a woman’s compassions for hours, sometimes days. It is extremely important for a man to know that a woman and her compassions will always be there for him. When a man first notices a woman, he goes straight for the compassions.

5. Boobs.

The Most Visited City in the World and What You Don’t Know

2008-10-10T15:13:00.004-04:00

ONLY ONE MOST VISITED CITY THAT MIGHT BE THE GREATEST
There are many cities around the world that would like to claim that they are the most visited city in the world but the truth is that by process of elimination there can be only one most visited city in the world.

At first people may suspect New York could be the most visited city in the world. The knee jerk reaction is the result of an ethnocentric urge that governs a large majority of individuals who are probably reading this. Ethnocentric is a big word and I wouldn’t expect most people to try and pronounce it on their own the first time they see it. I promise I will not use the word again throughout this piece. To be honest, I’m not a hundred percent sure what it means. One thing is for certain however, that New York is not the most visited city in the world. It has great museums and a Broadway area. It even has some rockettes strategically placed around. It basically has all the weird cultures of the world all rolled up into one place. That still does not make it the most visited city in the world.

There may be an inclination to suspect that London is in fact the most visited city in the world. What you should always be weary of however, is where inclinations come from. You start with a list of monthly moon signs. From there you calculate how many ounces are in a litre. You take that figure and sound off as many types of spiders as you can think of. Once you hit the final three, sit back in a recliner rocker that someone in your family considers their favourite chair. The first color that comes to your mind will designate the answer you have been looking for and probably still leave you wondering where an inclination comes from. Regardless, it doesn’t help at all and results in the realization that London with its bridge and funny way of speaking, is not the most visited city in the world.

Many of those who have pondered this question before were quick to suggest that Hong Kong might be the most visited city in the world. This would be an understandable guess considering how famous Hong Kong is for its baseball and mustard. A couple of The Greatest things in the world. What most people forget is that Hong Kong suffers from a tremendous amount of pollution. When a city is constrained by enormous amounts of pollution it is hard to see. If you can’t see then you aren’t often able to tell where you are going. If you can’t tell where you are going then it is difficult to get to the people you want to spend quality time with in Hong Kong. If you are not able to get to the people you want to spend quality time with because you can’t see where you are going then you might end up with women in Hong Kong who are actually fellas trying to make enough money to catch a steamboat back to Cleveland. As such, Hong Kong is not the most visited city in the world.

Regardless of what you might think, many people often wrestle with the possibility that Austria is the most visited city in the world. This would be a great guess because Austria has such a large assortment of processed meats, candy corn and a factory for the manufacture of California Governors. The city has recently been recognized as one of the friendliest in the world as a result of a particular pole conducted by some fraternity brothers vacationing for reading week. Austria can also provide a wide variety of industrial adhesives, three of which were recently named some of the finest cheese substitutes on the planet. However, for all the greatness that Austria has given the planet, it is not the most visited city in the world.

As some of you have already guessed, the most visited city in the world is Paris. It has French things, a tower, people that make you angry and some kind of smell. I’m not going to bother telling you how many people visit it every year because that number is constantly changing. There, it just changed again.

The Greatest Examples of Talking Dirty

2008-10-10T15:11:00.004-04:00

TALKING DIRTY
This is not an activity that you should take lightly. Many people far more ambitious and focused than your self have attempted this in the past. However, it is a challenge for most to do effectively. There is always the chance of turning off your target in a way you couldn’t have possibly imagined. This can result in a quick slap to the face or worse. You could find yourself being kicked out of a car and bumming lifts at a tomato festival in Ohio. There are worse fates. Tomatoes are actually very good for you. They are a great source of Lycopene which is a cancer fighter. That’s why if you have kids, you should let them go heavy with the ketchup. Forget the kids for now. We have more important things to discuss.

Setting is extremely important. When preparing to talk dirty to someone you care about or someone you don’t, it is important to come across sincere but not lecherous. Perhaps it would be helpful to look up various stanza examples or ballad examples or perhaps various pardon letters. Whatever you choose as a guide, make sure they come across sincere. You don’t want to appear forced, rushed or as if you are not putting genuine thought into what you are saying. Remember, your target really has to believe you mean what you are saying or else it is all for nothing.

As a quick side note, make sure the individual you are speaking with actually likes you. This is The Greatest point I can make to you. All successful examples of talking dirty involve targets that are in one way or another attracted to the speaker. If your target does not like you, your genuine sincerity will actually work against you. This will result in a complete freak out on the part of your target. When the freak out occurs, you have clearly entered into dangerous territory. Remember, John Wayne Bobbit? That was the result of a freak out. You don’t want a gentle peck, touch and smile to turn into a grab, twist and pull. Well, at least not in the beginning. So remember, make sure you are liked.

Find an appropriate setting. The bar, club or other public place may seem enticing but typically they are the wrong choices. These venues are typically too loud and can result in yelling or screaming. Amplification of your voice in the early stages of developing this kind of relationship will not sound affectionate or enticing. You will appear angry and frustrated which is the exact opposite of what you are trying to convey. We are not talking about examples of somebody’s wife exposing stockings in public. We are shooting for imaginative and explosive imagery that will have your target thinking about you well after the escapade is complete.

Your best choices for venues are of course private ones. This would begin perhaps in somebody’s home or even a car if you were interested in spicing it up a little. There should always be somewhere to relax. You should both be comfortable and of course the best is if you are engaging one another in the same place. Some people feel quality examples of talking dirty include the telephone. Sometimes this is fun. It allows for a little more imagination and perhaps a prolonged encounter. However, I am a very strong believer that the telephone inevitably leads to frustration and uncivilized behaviour. If your target isn’t with you this will probably result in you having to watch Blade Runner summaries or listening to Over The Rainbow by Patti Labelle and the Bluebelles. Anything to change the subject.

Finally, keep the conversation focused on your target. Litter your language with praise towards them and constantly remind them how they make you feel. Remember, keep the language focused. Stay away from references that involve processed meats or endangered species. Trust me they don’t do the trick. Remember how you felt that last time you sat through an Al Gore lecture? I rest my case.

Free Dogs and Puppies and The Greatest Secret of How To Pass the Bar Exam

2008-10-09T14:59:00.004-04:00

HOW-TO GUIDE FOR PASSING THE BAR
Free dogs and puppies are great. Free kittens and other domesticated pets are also somewhat magical. Medical research has proven that by integrating a dog or cat into your life you reduce the likelihood of stress related illness and it has the potential to lower blood pressure. Studies have shown that working with kittens has even been good for coma patients. I’m not sure exactly what the coma patients are supposed to do.

In any event, animals as pets are The Greatest thing. Hundreds of millions of people around the world will attest to that fact. Some folks even get closer to their pets than they do with people, swearing that animals are capable of unconditional love and are the only true friends. Whether I agree with these people or not is irrelevant let’s just say they could probably spend a little more time out and about. It would probably be good for them.

Without question, one of the most stressful things you can attempt in your lifetime is preparing for a Bar exam. There are so many other ways you can spend your time. If you are insistent about completing this kind of endeavour, thae most important thing you can be is prepared. Writing a Bar exam is not for everybody. It takes time and discipline. There will be a number of other things you will want to be doing instead of preparing. You will have to fight those urges and press on.

If you insist on taking the Bar exam you should probably weigh the pros and cons. You can become a big successful lawyer. This would entitle you to considerable sums of money. With money you can buy a nice car and drive really fast. Perhaps you would rather just buy a nice house and settle into a neighbourhood where you could raise a family. Maybe you are not the family type. In which case you could always take all your money and put it into a deserted castle somewhere where children are afraid to go. However you look at it there are some benefits to writing the Bar.

There are some bad things that can happen as well. In preparing you will isolate yourself from others. Isolating yourself means you reduce the likelihood of meeting someone special and entering into a meaningful relationship. You will probably experience a number of physical maladies from sitting upright in the same position for long periods of time. When you become a lawyer, that is if you pass the Bar, you will probably be hated by many people. Let us not forget that there is always the possibility that you will not pass. Instead you will become intimately familiar with failure. Everybody will talk about you as if you have wasted your life. They might even suggest that you were delusional in thinking you could become a lawyer in the first place. Your parents will deny having any relationship to you.

If despite all of this you still are insisting on writing the Bar, here is what you have to do. Go get yourself a pet. The animal can be a puppy or kitten or whatever, you don’t even have to own it. Just borrow a small domesticated animal that you can keep with you while you are studying. This will calm you down and help you remain focused. The animal will unconsciously create a peaceful atmosphere making it easier for you to study. Then you want to enrol yourself in a Bar review course. Don’t do it on your own. There is too much material to cover but more importantly the course will teach you specifically how to answer questions which is critical in amassing points. Finally, treat it like a job. Get up in the morning and get to it. Spend a good eight hours or so of your day on studying, review and exercises. This will train your mind to think accordingly and prepare you for the types of questions you need to answer. This kind of devotion may seem overwhelming at first but it is not for a long time and it’s only your whole life we are talking about.

There it is. Everything you need to know about preparing for the Bar exam in a nutshell. Honestly, you would have been better off going to business school.

What Is Coke Made Of: The Greatest Activities For Families on a Tight Budget

2008-10-09T13:42:00.003-04:00

WHAT IS COKE MADE OF? THE FAMILY KNOWS
There are so many great things a family can do when money is tight. This becomes all the more important during difficult economic times. With gas prices the highest they’ve been in a long time and the housing and mortgage situation screaming for help, it is important to find those quality activities that you can do together as a family. Here are a few suggestions.

Gather around the kitchen table with a bunch of things from the fridge and guess their ingredients. What is coke made of? It’s a great question and you can turn it into a terrific game. Offer points for each ingredient guessed correctly. Perhaps grab another cola and offer bonus points to those who can pick out ingredients that exist in one and not the other. Grab a slice of cheese and try to figure out its’ contents simply from smell. This will give your family an opportunity to become closer to the foods that make up your diet. You will find that everyone starts taking things like kumquats a little more seriously.

Take a shower together. This one is The Greatest on so many levels. It is a great chance for everybody to get closer. Take this opportunity to share feelings that you were not comfortable with before. It’s also great for finally cleaning those places that you miss when you are alone. Nobody that cares about you will let you leave with a filthy crevice. More importantly, the geopolitical significance of showering as a family is tremendous. With everyone showering at once, you save water. This is good for the environment. It puts less stress on reserves and the natural water table which in turn guarantees jobs in the field and hence is great for the economy.

Recognizing smells. This one is special. How many time have you come home and wondered ‘What is that smell’? Well, here is your chance to find out. Get everyone together in the family room and close all the windows. Take a moment to examine each family member for unusual odours. When one is discovered, enter it on a chart. That way when that smell resurfaces you will able to go ‘No worries, that’s just Billy.’ This is a great chance to get feedback from other family members about smells that have been haunting you. Often, it can become quite disturbing to come in contact with an odour that you can’t identify. Take this time to have other family members try and duplicate smells that you otherwise have not been able to figure out. Allow them to use all manner of bodily function, household appliance and food item. This one really brings people together and it costs nothing.

Try and figure out each other’s Chinese horoscopes. This one is a lot of fun and again, you don’t have to pay a cent. If you already happen to be Chinese, choose another nationality to give yourself a challenge. It is great wondering if you are from the year of the dog, pig or aardvark. Some people find this one a little tricky. I find that by spreading out Chinese food in front of you, it makes all the signals a little easier to pick up on. If this one is really giving you a hard time, start off by just guessing each other’s regular horoscope and then integrate Chinese culture. For example, this year will bring you career advancement, a new relationship and completion of your favourite pet project...in China.

Bring home animals that don’t usually make good house pets. This is fantastic. Now you really get to work together as a family. What is so great about this kind of activity is that you get to go outside. Usually on a tight budget you might feel inclined to not go outside anymore. This is completely understandable considering the urges you will have to spend money. However, when your focus is on catching raccoons and squirrels, the thought of money will probably never enter your mind. Perhaps bring home a rare kind of water fowl or fish. These are also great if you already have a cat or dog at home. This is because you will probably not be able to return these animals afterwards to their natural habitats. Yay!

The Greatest Way To Get Rid Of Hickeys

2008-10-09T11:52:00.003-04:00

FAST HICKEY REMOVAL
First off it’s hard to believe anyone would want to get rid of a hickey. In many ways it is symbolic. It is a sign that somebody out there finds you so irresistible that they were trying to eat you. That is quite a compliment. Never has there been a time that I applied a hickey to one lovely lady and then immediately started thinking about examples of sympathy notes. The hickey is delivered in a moment of pure animal instinct. The recipient is targeted as an object of absolute desire. It is a glorious moment of worship. Still want to get rid of it? Fine.

Wait. Think first about who gave it to you. I for one would cherish a donation from Salma Hayek. In fact, if she were to give me a hickey, there is a good chance I would be wearing a t-shirt with an arrow letting the whole world know where it came from. I would probably start drafting examples of imagery poems to fully capture the moment it happened. There would be earth satellite views posted up in my neighbourhood so that people could see where it happened even from space. Emergency rooms in hospitals who do gastric banding would shut down to take photographs of my condition, on my request of course. You never know, I could make the next edition of medical weekly.

On the other hand if it was given to me by somebody like Bianca Golden from America’s Next Top Model, I would want to get rid of that thing as quickly as possible. She is just an evil person. More importantly I would probably be concerned about how it happened. Was I drunk? Did I fall down and hit my head? It probably happened while I was unconscious. What happened to Jennifer Grey? She was The Greatest in Dirty Dancing. Why am I even wondering about that? I really did hit my head! Thank goodness. Sorry. You still want to get rid of your hickey.

Despite ignoring all the anthropological significance of your new found markings, here is how you can get rid of hickeys. One idea is applying a cold compress. This will help reduce swelling which is constricting blood vessels that are making it difficult to get new blood to the scene of the crime. With the reduction in swelling, the healing can begin. Although, I’m still not sure why you would want that to happen.

Another good thing to try is massage. Remember a hickey is nothing more than a bruise. You are dealing with small ruptured blood vessels under the skin that are resulting in a clot and that is the dark spot you are seeing. That is the glorious hickey that you would rather send away like a desperate child in the night. By massaging it you are attempting to break up the blood clot and hence dissipate the hickey. That poor poor hickey. What did it ever do to you? First you welcome it and then you throw it away like a piece of meat.

Finally, another good way to get rid of it is applying warm compresses after a day or two. What this will do is allow blood vessels to then expand, welcoming in fresh blood to enrich and help heal the area. Hope you are happy. These are only ways to help treat the hickey. There is no magic way to instantly make a bruise of any kind disappear. What you should really be concerned about is the kind of person that you have become. Obviously you have a tendency to multiple personality disorder. On the one hand you are a passionate, giving individual who clearly gets along well with others. On the other, you are a shameful insecure misfit who can’t decide what they want it life. Keep it up crazy person.

In The Spirit of Physical Science and Current Events...Meet E. Howard Hunt

2008-10-08T20:27:00.004-04:00

E. HOWARD HUNT WITH THE GREATEST REMINDER
If you are all done clipping coupons for the weekend and have gotten over the firing of Tony Franklin, give yourselves a few moments of sundown time because here is something to think about.

The short story I’m about to share with you has probably been touched upon by the New York Times, the nation newspaper in Nigeria and The Sun newspaper in the United Kingdom. It has probably been thrown around by several major news conglomerates around the world for a little while and is currently struggling to find its’ place in the international collective consciousness. So if you have a moment to tear yourself away from trying to solve supernatural mysteries in the Bermuda Triangle and can wait until tomorrow to answer that trivia question about the most visited city in the world, you should probably pay close attention to the next few words.

A few years ago there was a blockbuster series of films produced based upon the celebrated television series Mission Impossible. The films were pretty good. I think I may have seen them. The name of the lead character played by Tom Cruise was Ethan Hunt. He had a comprehensive understanding of all things related to the secret organization that he worked for. In the event that anything ever happened to him, his employers maintained complete deniability by separating themselves from everything he did. He did a lot of bad things. He knew a lot of bad things. Therefore, if anything horrible ever happened to him or if he got caught doing something horrible his employers could make like Ethan didn’t even exist. If you saw the movies, you probably know all this already.

What you may not know however is that Hunt’s character is loosely based on a real person, E. Howard Hunt. Much like the fictional character, Mr. Hunt worked for a government agency, the CIA. He was involved in a number of highly covert operations that on occasion did not go as planned. Some of his work involved some of the most highly publicised intelligence operations in history including the Bay of Pigs and Watergate. His involvement in the latter had him implicated and sent to jail.

Despite unfortunate events leading to his public humiliation, Mr. Hunt was still very good at what he did. If the agency didn’t want to work with him, others still would and did. He was sought out as a consultant. You see, Mr. Hunt had done many things for the Agency. He knew about even more things. He was operating during a time of incredible development in the international community. With development of the magnitude the world was experiencing, there came the creation of secret organizations to maintain the peace and preserve the freedoms that so many had fought and died for.

Throughout the course of his career he was questioned about his involvement in numerous world events. The most highly publicised perhaps was the assassination of President Kennedy. One of The Greatest presidents the country ever had. For years he denied ever having any involvement or knowing anything about a plot to kill the President. The years went by and Hunt stayed silent. As he got older he became ill. He had to urinate into a bag that he would later empty into jars that would sit under his bed. He was almost completely deaf and had lost a leg due to other complications. He believed he was dying. It was time for him to share what was on his mind.

Mr. Hunt chose his son, Saint John, to share his story. He told everything he knew, shocking his adult son into disbelief. The story had names including LBJ, Cord Meyer and Bill Harvey. He spoke about a meeting in Miami with a man named Frank Sturgis about a “big event” where he was asked “are you with us?” When Hunt inquired as to what exactly Sturgis was talking about, Sturgis replied, killing JFK. Hunt claims to have walked out and never had anything to do with it again.

This story is not new. It surfaced last year shortly after Hunt’s death on January 23rd, 2007. Documents and audio tapes of Hunt’s disclosure were circulated by his son and a few articles were written. It is appropriate now to discuss it again seeing as we approach the 45th anniversary of Kennedy’s assassination and most of the American public has chosen not to believe the most outlandish explanation of the series of events leading to the man’s death. That being said, the dialogue has disappeared. Most of the key players are long since dead. Hunt is buried with only a murmur resonating of his disclosure. The records exist and people know exactly what happened on that day and yet, it’s not being talked about. The most important question then becomes... why?

Human Anatomy Diagram Abdomen: Is Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant Again?

2008-10-08T14:02:00.003-04:00

JAMIE LYNN SPEARS PREGNANT??? THE GREATEST SURPRISE
Of course it is just a rumour. That is how all of these great stories start. It is hard to believe that so soon after giving birth to her first child, that she would do it again. Where does a sweet southern girl like Jamie Lynn Spears find the time? I’m starting to think that if you were to pull out a map of hotels on Daytona Beach, there wouldn’t be one that Ms. Spears isn’t familiar with. Is that cruel? Perhaps. She may just be one of the dumbest little girls ever.

While Jamie Lynn was perusing a listing of top 100 baby girl names during her first pregnancy, she should have thought about a few things. She should have taken a moment and realized how young she was. She is currently only seventeen. She is only a child herself. Maybe instead of checking out the top 100 baby girl names she should have been thinking about a pet first. Perhaps reading a sign that said baby monkeys for sale would have served her better. Baby monkeys like to perform and she was in show business.

How about that. Maybe she should have taken a moment and thought about how fortunate she was. Most little girls her age don’t have a TV show. That is The Greatest job ever, especially for a kid. Zoey 101 might have wrapped permanently but the outcry after word of her first pregnancy doesn’t make the likelihood of a sequel too promising. There are probably a million little girls more talented and more responsible than Jamie Lynn who would have done incredible things with her opportunity. All of their names probably show up on that list of top 100 baby girl names but Jamie Lynn never stopped to think about them.

There is the possibility that she is trying to follow in her sister’s footsteps. If there is one girl who would probably be quite familiar with a map of hotels on Daytona Beach it is Britney. However, you have to give the girl her due. Besides appearing on the list of top 100 baby girl names, Britney is crazy successful. If people don’t realize how carefully orchestrated this whole Britney craze is, they are even more out of their minds than Britney. If there was such a thing as California district ratings for most popular person it would be Britney. She may very well be the most photographed woman in the world. Her publishing rights and appearance fees at one point had her earning nearly seven hundred thousand dollars a week. Do the math. That is extraordinary.

However, if Jamie Lynn is trying to be like her big sister there are few significant differences. The bulk of Britney’s publicity that boosted her career came from her product. That is, she was gaining attention from album and concert sales. Jamie Lynn had a little show that is now over. She doesn’t really possess any discernable talent. Correction, she is very good at thumbing through the listings of top 100 baby girl names. California district ratings for Jamie Lynn wouldn’t be anywhere near her sister. She hasn’t put out any real product. Britney can screw up for the rest of her life, if that is even really happening, and her earnings from what she has already accomplished will keep coming in. Not quite the same for Jamie Lynn. If Britney wants to just wake up, walk around and do nothing, she’ll get paid for it. Not quite the same for Jamie Lynn.

Hopefully the rumours are not true. If they are that’s just too bad. This little girl had her whole life ahead of her with tremendous opportunities. She could have spent her days playing with friends, studying lines for her next television show and trying out the latest hairstyles. Instead it looks like her days will be spent looking through the listings of top 100 baby girl names and waking up in the middle of the night to change diapers.

Technology & Computing Uses: The Five Greatest Things About Cell Phones

2008-10-07T16:58:00.005-04:00

GREATEST THINGS ABOUT CELL PHONES
Thank goodness for cell phones. Where would we be today if we couldn’t talk to somebody else at any given moment during the course of the day. Or better yet, how would other people function if they couldn’t continuously talk to us. Everything is so important now that it just can’t wait until we see each other. It is unimaginable to me now that I can go five minutes without somebody having the uncontrollable desire to speak with me. Of course it is always extremely urgent. The last call I fielded included a request to know my preference between angus beef and regular beef. Good thing I had the phone with me.

Without further ado, here are the five greatest things about cell phones.

1. They don’t really fit in your pockets. I say don’t “really” fit because they can be made to fit. People will force them in. Some people might argue that some of the newer thinner models fit quite nicely. They don’t. If you put a credit card or a few folded dollar bills into your pocket, you will feel what it is to have things in there that fit. Try and put your phone in and you will feel the difference. Some may be inclined to argue that there are holsters and belt attachments available for your phones today. Sure, those are the same things used to carry around guns and night sticks. Do you want to walk around looking like you work for the summit county clerk of courts getting ready to invade Poland? I didn’t think so.

2. They all carry GPS technology. That’s right it’s not a conspiracy theory. Your cell phone makes it possible for people you have never met to locate you at any given moment, anywhere in the world. That is a reassuring thought isn’t it? Take a moment and try to remember everything you did during the course of this last month. That’s right, everything. Now imagine all the people who could create a record of what you did for their own purposes. Don’t be looking up a sample cancel service letter just yet. Wait until they figure out a way to implant that same technology into your kids when they’re born. Then again, who is going to use phones by that time.

3. They might be slowly killing us. This is The Greatest. Now I understand we are treading into the territory of possible urban mythology. Let me ask you something. Is Bigfoot a myth? Maybe. How many examples of myth stories do you know? Probably at least a few. How often do you hear about health risks associated with cell phones? Once in a while perhaps? It is hard to believe that anyone would manufacture something designed for human consumption that could actually pose a substantial health risk. Look at all the great things these people have made for our children like slip n’ slides, pogo sticks and lead-based paints.

4. They are a distraction. Imagine you finally get the opportunity to go see your favourite movie and some jerk didn’t turn off his cell phone that continues to go off throughout the film. Sure, he has been asked a hundred times to turn it off but he’s waiting to hear about his wife in the hospital. He also just has to see this movie. Maybe you are in a restaurant trying to enjoy a meal but the idiot next to you is so loud on his phone that you can’t hear yourself chew. It’s amazing that with all the technology and computing uses introduced to our species, so many of us still don’t understand how a phone projects your voice.

5. Texting. Everyone thinks this is such an amazing feature. When I was in London, England I realized that more people were texting than talking on the phone. They would send messages like “what is most visited city in world?” and “check out these newspaper articles relating biology” and of course my favourite “you smell lol!” I always thought the great thing about the telephone was how it enables you to talk to another person immediately. Texting on your phone is like using it to WRITE A LETTER! Isn’t that what telephones were designed to replace originally! Wake up folks this technology is designed to amuse us while it slowly moves us backwards.
Enjoy!!

Write The Greatest Employment Reference: I Worked for Quantas Airlines...Is that so bad?

2008-10-07T15:49:00.003-04:00

QUANTAS AIRLINES DON'T FALL DOWN
What is happening to my favourite airline? Quantas was a company that boasted one of The Greatest safety records in the world and suddenly it seems to all be falling apart. I used to do a considerable amount of business overseas, including trips to that remarkable Australian continent and then back to the Far East. The service was impeccable and I always felt safe.

Their safety record is about to hit the skids. The former “safest airline in the world” had to have one of its A330-300s make an emergency landing today as a result of what is looking like excessive turbulence. The exact nature of the mid-air drama is unclear. What is certain is that thirty-six passengers and crew sustained injuries in a bizarre event that is just another in a string of peculiar happenings that appear to be plaguing the Australian airline.

The company might consider to start asking for sample proof of employment letters from its pilots. How the airline has gone so many years without incident and then just recently a rash of accidents is a mystery. The incident is actually the fourth in just over two months. It’s not as if the planes are flying into oil rigs and dolly structures, these planes are just having incredible difficulties on their own. On July 25th an exploding oxygen bottle smashed a hole through a Quantas Boeing 747 causing an emergency landing in the Philippines. As far as registering on the physical science current events meter, that one had to be off the charts. Somebody clearly wasn’t paying close attention to the safety demonstration.

The good news as far the July incident is concerned was that nobody was hurt. This is the confusing yet amazing aspect of the story. A hole is blown clean through the body of an airliner, and it is still able to land safely without anybody being harmed. That is an impressive aircraft. However, another plane hits what appears to be turbulence and dozens of passengers experience lacerations and fractures. Strange indeed. Perhaps the fasten safety belt sign wasn’t working. It could have been that the crew was fascinated by the stories of supernatural mysteries in the Bermuda Triangle and just figured they were safe where they were flying.

Three days after the mysterious exploding oxygen bottle incident another Quantas 737 had to return to Adelaide after a landing gear door failed to retract. Always good to learn about mechanical failures instead of pilot error. This way it is harder to point the finger. What a shame that any finger should be pointed at all considering the airline’s safety record. If somebody at Quantas was asked to sit down at the beginning of the year and punch in any combination of mathematics factorials in an attempt to determine the likelihood of this series of accidents occurring, the resulting calculation would have probably come close to nil.

Hopefully, this run of bad luck is nothing more than a series of unfortunate events. It wouldn’t be fair to judge the future reliability and safety of this company exclusively on a few isolated events. What makes it difficult to forget is the manner in which they all came together. Had each incident occurred in an isolated fashion, once every five to ten years, nobody would think twice about it. Instead, the year carries four particular events where passenger safety was in question and now it becomes a public relations matter. Fortunately, it’s not like a couple incidents in the United States where the pilots involved are now wondering where to apply for a liquor license in Missouri. Instead, some of the keenest aeronautic minds will be put to the test and my favourite airline will rise up from the ashes. I’m certain the friendly skies will be friendly once again.

Yearbook Layout Design Ideas: How about Exploding Sperm

2008-10-06T23:02:00.004-04:00

THE GREATEST YEARBOOK LAYOUT DESIGN IDEA
Well the word is out. It has been officially confirmed once again that Coca-Cola kill sperm. This based on a 1985 study by Deborah Anderson of Boston University Medical Center. She is quick to point out however that it would never work as a contraceptive because sperm swim too fast. I wonder how fast coke can swim? I’m surprised there haven’t been any organized races of sperm. Think of all the gambling revenue and jobs that could be created. There would of course be the shady side to all of this. People trying to get the sperm to unknowingly drink coke in order to fix the race.

Coke with sugar kills the sperm. Apparently the sperm soak it up and explode. This is The Greatest news. I can already see it being incorporated into blueprints of restaurant kitchen designs. There will be the refrigerators for the diet coke on the left, and the sperm killing coke will be kept in units by the bar, you know, for those folks who figure they’re gonna get lucky. Kids all across the country are going to stop sending thank you poems to teachers with a big red apple and instead deliver a coke and a smile. What a smile that’s going to be! Imagine a school kid trying to focus in class on how the tsunami happened or some other historical geophysical event and suddenly he finds out that coke explodes sperm. Any chance of concentrating on anything significant goes out the window. This kid is going to be too excited thinking he’ll never have to experience the embarrassment of buying condoms. Instead, it’s a quick trip to the grocery store to check out the soda isle.

It should be emphasized that the popular drink is not a recognized contraceptive. Although, you know how many people will be thinking up all the possible cartoon possibilities. It could be part of the morning roster. A great way to educate kids about the health sciences and you know it will be funny. What do you want to be for this Halloween Billy? I want to be the evil bottle of coke and blow up all the sperm I can find. What ever happened to Superman and Team America? Wait, I know, they all went diet.

I still remember the stories about Coke when I was a kid. They were the kinds of things that would make Rachel Carson cringe. She wrote a book and did reports about environmental pollutants and I’m sure, if she had heard some of the stories I was hearing, she might have included the soda giant in her reports. There was never any confirmation of these reports about Coke of course, some of them were just absolutely ridiculous. I remember a story about what the popular drink could do to a nail if left submerged long enough. It sounded ridiculous back then, and it still seems that way today. I’m sure Rachel Carson would have gotten a kick out of it.

However, if the stuff is capable of blowing up the biological material that is the foundation of all human existence, there might be an argument made that it is somewhat hazardous to the environment. Perhaps the study will lead to new environmental technology jobs. That would be a good thing.

I only hope this doesn’t discourage anyone from making the decision to register to vote. It would be a shame if people were afraid that upon entering those registration offices the only choice of refreshment would be soda pop. Let’s face it, there are many different countries and government type from all around the world. Coke has managed to infiltrate all of them. If there was any real danger I’m sure they would have told us about it. Wouldn’t they?

The History of Science and Technology Timeline Begins in The Greatest Typing Class

2008-10-06T14:56:00.005-04:00

SCIENCE TECHNOLOGY AND TYPING
It would not have been difficult twenty-five years ago to explain to anybody interested that the most important subjects in school were reading, writing and arithmetic. If you were good at math, today you might be able to decipher Keating economics. Keating economics is a mystery to most people with graduate degrees in advanced accounting principles. You had to know how to read because everything you were doing in school required an ability to read. Not to mention, everything in life that would follow. As children, the parents of Barack Obama learned how to read and today their son is running for President of the United States. Finally, writing was critical for all forms of communication and expression. Our political leaders have been able to write down the description of different types of governments and look how far that has taken them.

What I never would have been able to tell you back during the days I spent in junior high, was that I was going to be learning the most important skill necessary for my future years in typing class. My typing teacher was a monster. When she sat at her desk, eating or otherwise, she was able to create what is best described as bizarre Arnold Schwarzenegger sounds. A series of muffled grunts and exclamations with a hint of Austrian accent would have her appearing to always be passing some kind of stone or other by-product. I couldn’t exactly tell you where she was from except that I’m pretty sure it wasn’t anywhere near my neighbourhood.

She seemed angry all the time. The simplest instructions from her always sounded so burdened. She always appeared as if she would rather be doing something else and that we couldn’t possibly understand her instructions. She was right. Often we couldn’t understand her instructions but it wasn’t due to content, it was because her mouth was always full with something. She could eat continuously. Yet, she wasn’t particularly large. I’m sure her family history could be found in any local anthropology store as she seemed to be some form of medical wonder. How tall is Arnold Schwarzenegger you might ask? She couldn’t have been more than five feet total. At the time, we came up with some of the best short jokes ever. I couldn’t remember any of them now if I tried.

Truth be told, I was never quite sure of her height. She wore a bizarre hat that looked like a diagram of cow parts. The thing gave me nightmares for weeks. I’m sure at one point is was on display at a variety of recent science events but disqualified for it’s disturbing nature. It was unclear exactly where the hat began and her head ended so I was never really sure of her height. Yet, that hat never left her head. She would swing when she spoke from side to side like a pendulum in an old grandfather clock and of course, most of the time when she spoke she was eating. We had all brushed up on the Heimlich manoeuvre because we were certain that at any given moment, she would choke. She never did. The Greatest relief.

Her peculiarities seemed to extend beyond the classroom. When she wasn’t shouting at us to be quiet and finish an assignment she had posted on the board, she busied herself with church event organization. When one of my friends tried to have her explain to him what church she belonged to, she huffed something incoherently and shot a piece of French fry onto his shirt. None of us ever asked again. She was a nature nut supposedly and knew every butterfly genus species that existed. Nobody ever tested her on this of course. We were too busy being amazed that she had any compassion at all for any living creature.

Yet through it all, this peculiar woman passed onto us the one skill that would prove most valuable in the twenty first century. She also showed us why our parents believed it was always important to chew with your mouth closed.

Attention Pierce County Jail Roster: Lakisha Jones Got Married

2008-10-06T14:53:00.005-04:00

LAKISHA JONES MARRIED
It really could be a notification to any obscure collection of individuals you can think of. Another reality star has wed. Lakisha Jones married somebody. It doesn’t even matter what lucky guy gets to carry her across the threshold. It is only something that matters to the most isolated groups of people on the planet. What did she do again? Right, she was a contestant on one of the past episodes of American Idol. So, what did she do again?

Perhaps I would be more inclined to care if Lakisha had figured out how to design your own car online or maybe if her research resulted in a unique liquid found on Saturn. Just give me something, anything! What did she do again? Why does anybody care about what she is doing? I can’t even begin to answer. She sang on American Idol with a bunch of other people. Her singing was OK. So, what else does she do? There isn’t a moment that goes by each and every day that I chose not to think about her or any number of pseudo artificially hyped up nobodies that the entertainment conglomerates are desperately trying to shove down our throats.

About fifteen to twenty years ago, Ms. Jones was a great song, but definitely not a singer. Her and hundreds like her would never have had a chance. The answer is simple. Entertainment used to mean something. It used to involve talented people and the “developing” acts would have to wait until they got really good or disappear all together. If you were to ask Ms. Jones, or any of the many wannabes like her to draw a map of 52 states in USA and then ask her where her fan bases are, they might draw and point but never make that critical point about the last two states. They’ll perform for your kid’s birthday party or give you their favourite rendition of “My Girl” but not be able to name any of The Greatest singers or even list of famous duos who have blazed a trail so that they may do what they are doing today.

What exactly are they doing today? They are filling tiny voids and that is all. There is no longer any kind of appreciation of the arts. One thing is for certain, the viewing audience’s attention span has vanished. Everyone needs a quick fix. That means it doesn’t have to be that good it only need be good for now. If I was to draw up a famous people list today I have to be perfectly honest, I probably wouldn’t know most of the names on it. The reason for that is because I honestly believe most of them wouldn’t be on the list tomorrow. The greats all continue to live on for years. Even after they die, their work is continued to be appreciated. It stands up to the test of time. Celebrities today are junk food. Their bad for you and there’s more than you can imagine on the shelf.

Put a Ms. Jones up against any great vocalist of the past twenty-five years and her record company will cower in embarrassment. However, that will never happen today. The industry is working differently. They are pushing “talent” by the dozens and they’re doing it cheap. Where you used to have to go to a great venue like Radio City Music Hall to catch one of the greats, now you can check into a variety of web net conferences to catch the latest podcast of some pseudo celebrity discussing his plans to make a crossbow over the weekend because it’s good training for a role in an upcoming reality series. They have aspirations of guest spots and Nadia American Pie scene moments. Truth be told, instead of scripts they should be studying Applebee’s Restaurant menu. They should be apologizing. We should be ashamed of ourselves. We’ve become fat on the guilty pleasures of empty calorie programming and the network president facts list. Time to turn off the TV and computer and go outside for walk. It’s time to start thinking for ourselves again.

State of Alabama Road Map a.k.a The Face of Kimbo Slice

2008-10-05T21:26:00.004-04:00

KIMBO GETS SLICED
The title of this article is not intended as any type of clever cultural of sociological examination. Simply put, the face of Kimbo Slice looked like a State of Alabama road map on Saturday night after his upset loss to Seth Petruzelli in just 14 seconds. That’s right fight fans, 14 seconds.

For those of you not quite as familiar with the sport of mixed martial arts, because you have been too busy surfing for web net conferences or looking up what you believe to be the best gangster poems ever written, Kimbo Slice is a mixed martial artist who made a name for himself as a street fighter. He had most of his fights video taped and became and internet phenomenon. He is now taking his shot at prize fighting in the mixed martial arts market. Not too sure what kind of shot that’s going to be.

The world of mixed martial arts has become known as ultimate fighting. Kimbo believes he has what it takes to be a champion. There are numerous dissenters. Take Saturday night’s fight for example. Slice was scheduled to fight Ken Shamrock. A man in his own right who at one time was an ultimate fighting superstar. Shamrock is now 44 years old and has lost several of his last fights. His glory days have long since gone away. Yet, he was selected to challenge Kimbo for this, one of his first organized fights. It begs the question, how serious is anybody taking Kimbo? He is after all 34 years old himself and just learning a few other disciplines besides wildly throwing his fists. If you look at his opponents in his many internet fights, they are usually out of shape, old and don’t possess much fighting skill.

So the fight gets scheduled for this past Saturday night and lo and behold, Shamrock has to pull out. Apparently, he injured himself prior and required stitches to his head forcing him out of the fight. Enter Seth whats-his-name. This guy was supposed to fight on the under card and at the last minute, as he approaches his locker room, he is told to fight Kimbo for the Main Event. This guy doesn’t know Kimbo, hasn’t had a chance to study him or his fighting style but takes the fight of course because that’s the name of the game.

The theme of the fight could have been Unleashed 2008, if that wasn’t already the name of some book. Kimbo looks like an uncaged beast man. I wish I could use some good turning forty jokes to describe him but as I mentioned he is 34 but appears to be in his mid 40’s. Petruzelli is 28 and in the ring just before the fight started, appeared to be searching for something to hit Kimbo over the head with like a candle stick or Bell South phone book.

The bell rang to begin the first round and as they approached one another it felt like watching something at any one of several youth boxing clubs. They both appeared anxious and off balance and before there was a chance to settle in to enjoy it, the fight was over. A quick right jab followed by a flurry of looping right hooks had the referee stepping in to stop the fight since Kimbo was on his back and could no longer defend himself. My mistake, the action at most youth boxing clubs usually lasts a little longer and the fighters have some potential.

I’m not sure what the future holds for this Kimbo Slice but in the fight game, time is not on his side. Perhaps he took one too many street fights. Perhaps he should consider something that might come a little easier like figuring out a geometry triangle formula. Whatever he decides, he better figure it out before whatever Kimbo that is left in him gets sliced.

Predict My Future Quiz: SNL Debate Will Bring More Of The Same

2008-10-05T21:22:00.004-04:00

SNL DEBATE BLAHS
Call me what you like, but when it comes to the cultural phenomenon that we refer to as Saturday Night Live, I just don’t get it. Am I the only one who thinks this show is too terrible for words? I won’t deny that on a rare occasion they manage to squeeze out a great joke like a kidney stone, but it doesn’t happen that often. By the way, I did say joke. They almost never deliver an entire sketch that rocks. Most of the time they go way too long. Most of the sketches would be just fine if they were trimmed to two minutes or less.

The mock VP debate that they spoofed the other night was no exception. It was predictable and let us be honest the jokes were cheap. It is always the same character assassination type stuff without any meat behind it. I watch every once and a while just hoping that things will turn around. I used to love the show. SNL without debate, groomed some of the greatest comedic talent we have ever been fortunate enough to share. The last couple generations of cast members just don’t cut it. If Tina Fey taught a course entitled Design My Own Engagement Ring, I’d expect to see pipe cleaners and stale macaroni. Not that I wouldn’t be grateful for someone offering to teach me how to design my own engagement ring, I would just rather someone who really knew what they were doing had it ready and waiting for me.

What I’m trying to say is what happened to the days of Chevy Chase, John Belushi and Bill Murray? Is it so difficult to see what these guys did back in the heyday of the show and then try and be just as funny? I’m not saying they could ever duplicate this kind of talent all together in one place at the same time, just try and be funny. After all, they’ve done it before. Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, David Spade, Adam Sandler, Gilda Radner, Julia Sweeney, Chris Farley and many more have all been very funny on the show at different times throughout history. Why is it so difficult to find really funny people to be on this show? I keep expecting to see one of the current cast members in an interview ask “Can I apply for a job online with Target?” Yes Mr. Myers you can and I think you’ll see Tracy Morgan there as well.

I knew after I watched the VP debate with Palin and Biden on Thursday it was going to make the show this weekend. SNL couldn’t possible pass up on the chance for cheap laughs. After all, they don’t seem able to write a joke anymore. To be honest, I think Sarah Palin is hysterical on her own. She is way funnier than Tina Fey. It would appear that SNL could take a page out of John Stewart’s book on that one. Sometimes the sound bite is all you need. I’m sure John Stewart is not the only one. In fact I’m sure if they looked hard enough they could find a whole famous people list, loaded with brilliant comedic performers from past and present ready and willing to show them how it is done.

Instead, the show pounds everything into the ground. It’s like watching a Biggie Smalls Autopsy, it’s been dead for a long time but people just keep wanting to know how it happened. I don’t fault Lorne Michaels. He masterminded the entire project. He pushed it through when the CBC up in Canada told him it would never work. For taking it as far as he has, I applaud him. When he left the show for a short while it really started to fall to pieces and he managed to pick it back up again on his return. Maybe it has just gotten away from him. Maybe somebody else high up in production is just out of touch. Whatever it is, I hope they figure it out and show the world once again why it was once the funniest thing ever made. Otherwise, say it with me Ms. Fey, “Can I apply for a job online with Target?”

The Top Five Greatest Baseball Players Ever

2008-10-03T23:50:00.004-04:00

THE GREATEST BASEBALL PLAYERS PERIOD
Let's face it, baseball is the greatest American pastime. We have had the privilege of witnessing the most remarkable athletes to ever play the game. Some might say that it is impossible to narrow this list down to a paltry sum but it is definitely worth the effort. Take me out to the ball game are words heard and sung by tens of millions of people throughout time and they were words that brought people together and still bring people together to share in moments of glory.

It is baseball that connects everyone. These great players connected with the masses throughout time and left impressions that will be remembered throughout history. For their tremendous efforts and contributions to the best of times, here are the five greatest baseball players who ever lived.

Mickey Mantle. He covered centerfield like it was his own backyard. He was very possibly the greatest switch hitter in the history of the game of baseball. Unlike many of the greats to play the game, Mantle had the nearly impossible to accomplish upon joining New York's roster: he had to replace Joe Dimaggio in center. Mickey Mantle spent eighteen years with the New York Yankees. During that time he helped the Yankees grab twelve American League pennants and seven World Series titles. He holds the record for most home runs during the World Series with a total of eighteen. He also won the MVP award three times for 1956, 1957 and 1962.

Willie Mays. Easily one of the most remarkable to ever play the game, Mays was the original highlight reel. Mays was chosen to participate in the All-Star game twenty-four times. Very few could match his defensive play as demonstrated by his astounding twelve golden glove awards. He was a two time National League Most Valuable Player. He hit 660 home runs during the course of his career and is ranked fourth on the all-time home run list. During every season from 1957 to 1966 Mays finished no lower than 6th in the National League MVP voting. He was the first player to collect 3000 hits and 500 home runs.

Babe Ruth. It should be noted that he was both an outfielder and a left-handed pitcher. He also just so happened to hit the first home run in Yankee Stadium, clearly a sign of what was to come. He was arguably the game's first great hitter and arguably the most celebrated athlete of his time. As a pitcher he won 89 games in six seasons with the Boston Red Sox and helped them win World Championships in 1915, 1916 and 1918. Then he was sold to the New York Yankees and the true legend began to take form. He took the Yankees to seven American League Pennants and four World Series crowns. He hit a total of 714 home runs throughout his career.

Joe Dimaggio. He had a pretty good 56 game hitting streak in 1941. The numbers he posted during the course of his career are simply spectacular. He had a career average of .325 while crushing a total of 361 home runs. He won three American League MVP awards and two batting titles. During his incredible 1941 season, he led the American League with 125 RBIs. He hit 30 home runs, 43 doubles and 11 triples. Amazingly, he only struck out thirteen times that year. Oh, and by the way, he was married to Marilyn Monroe. Sure, she would look like Andy Griffith today but that was still pretty impressive back then.

Hank Aaron. He is the only man to date to break the Babe's home run record. He was the last NAL player to also play in Major League Baseball. He is probably most remembered for his sheer home run power, nobody has topped his career 755 dingers. He also holds records in career RBIs, extra base hits and total bases. He was the National League's MVP in 1957 and was a 24 time all-star. Defensively, he wasn't too shabby either considering he won three golden glove awards.

That's the list. It wasn't easy. I'm happy to give honourable mention to greats like Ted Williams, Nolan Ryan, Reggie Jackson and Honus Wagner. I'm sure that still won't be enough for some. No doubt good arguments could still be made for others. However, there were several I left off the list for a variety of reasons including sportsmanship, fair play and who knows what else. I'm sure there's going to be lots of opinions and I look forward to hearing them.