Gooseberried

Design stuff again

2009-11-09T15:16:24-07:00

Hello Internet,

Please bear with me while my design changes up. I'm working on something new.

Thank you!

-Michelle

When others put it perfectly

2009-11-09T08:00:00-07:00

I read this post sometime ago and I reflected on it the other day. The post is by Jamie whose blog I've been reading for quite some time. Instead of just linking it, I'm just going to copy and paste exactly what she said. This is exactly what I'm feeling these days and it makes me feel better knowing that others in my situation feel the same too. Especially because lately, it seems that my human friends can't seem to understand why I've held out on taking a mediocre job.

What Unemployment Has Taught Me

by, Jamie

This whole unemployment thing sucks as I’ve said many, many times before. But in a way it’s good for me.

And no, I don’t mean in the reading through the Chicago Public Library system in one summer kind of way.

It’s taught me a very important lesson.

I still don’t have it figured all out. I doubt I ever will have it all figured out. But I am learning a lot about myself right now. I’m learning what I want. What I don’t want. And more importantly what I deserve.

Yes, I may have a couple things against me. The lack of degree may be a bright red flag to some employers. And yeah, maybe I don’t have the professional experience that some might require.

But I have so much more to offer. I have first hand experience. I’m a writer. I do outreach. I build community.

And I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know it all. But I want to learn. I want to do it all. I’m not afraid to jump right in to something. And maybe I might fail at first, but the next time around, I know exactly what I’ll do to change. I love a good challenge.

Most importantly, I’ve learned it’s okay to say no.

Being unemployed leaves me with a sense of urgency, sometimes even desperation. Obviously, money is a stressful thing. When you don’t have anything coming in and the bills are piling up, it’s a horrible feeling. Feeling like you’re never going to get ahead again.

For a while I was willing to take anything that came my way. I was ready to do the retail thing or get back with the nanny thing or just take any job. Who cares what, as long as it paid.

I’ve realized that it doesn’t have to be like that. I would much rather hold out a little longer searching for the right thing for me. A job that will push me. A job that has faith in my abilities. A job that has me so excited to get to the office or to my computer. A job where I have a voice. A job where people respect me and appreciate the work I do.

The perfect job might not exist. It’s not going to be all sunshine and roses, I know that. But I’ve learned in the past few months that there is nothing wrong with turning down an offer that just isn’t right. And I have a few times. It’s alright to say “no, thank you”. I know what I’m worth and what I want.

And I’m not planning on settling any time soon.

British Commercial

2009-11-05T09:00:00-07:00

For those of you who have been following me since the beginning of this blog, you'll know that I used to date a British lifeguard and did so for quite a long time. The relationship ended badly and actually, I haven't spoken to him since we broke up, but I am grateful for the experience mostly because dating him gave me the opportunity to travel around Europe a little bit.

The British school system typically starts later than the American system and so when I would get out of school in May for the summer, he'd still be attending. When I started school in August, he still had a month and a half left of vacation. So, when we'd visit each other, usually for about a month each time, we had to put up with the fact that whoever was in their home country would still going to classes every day.

One of the times I was visiting him in England, I was at his house by myself and he was at class. I didn't have much to do as it was nearing toward the end of my visit and I had already been to the local stores and coffee shops within walking distance. I had also already gone to class with him a few times. So, I opted for watching some British TV. Luckily, they had Friends on and I quite enjoy Friends, especially for passing the time. I was basically zoning out on the couch when a peculiar little commercial came on.

The man in the commercial was getting dressed up for some formal event. He chose a nice looking suit and I will admit, he looked good. It seemed that the final step to his getting ready routine was to spray some cologne on various areas of his body. Upon doing so, he takes a deep breath and loves the smell so much that it inspires him to turn on the stereo and start strip dancing to the music. First the coat, the tie and the shirt come off and he's dancing around the whole time. Then his shoes and pants and you can guess it, he actually takes his boxers off. And I can see everything. His penis is there. And I can see it. And can I remind you that this is merely a commercial!?

So, he continues to dance around in the nude, penis flailing, until his friend texts saying, "Where are you?!" The nude man is so inspired by the smell of the cologne that he skips whatever event he was planning on attending to stay home and dance naked.

At this very moment in my life, I really wouldn't mind seeing that commercial again.

Positively present

2009-11-04T21:58:20-07:00

Last night while I was taking a shower, I had much difficulty praying. Yes, I pray while I take a shower. I used to attempt praying at night while in bed, but I always ended up falling asleep mid-prayer and then I'd wake up the next morning and feel bad. I mean, if I were having a conversation with one of my friends, how rude would it be if I just fell asleep? I've found that the shower is a place where I can really think, when I really relax, and when I can finally have some quite time to myself.

Oh and yes, I take showers at night. Does anyone else do this? I always feel I'm the odd man out on this one.

Anyway, I just recently made a tribute video to all my friends and also to people who have touched my life in a positive way at one point or another. I posted the video on Facebook and tagged the friends I wanted to see it. I received a lot of responses and comments and likes in return. To those that did respond, it made me feel so content and almost lifted my sometimes totally absent faith in people. And while there were plenty tagged who thanked me and replied with a generous comment, it wash hard to block the negative of the situation out. The negative being, those that did not respond and most likely won't.

I tried not to let it hurt my feelings. I tried to tell myself that of course some people will just not care enough to mention anything and you can't really make a difference in that. I also tried to remind myself that in doing good deeds, you won't always be appreciated for it nor will one care to do good deeds back. But while I kept coaxing myself to let it go and feel content solely with those who did reply, I still couldn't help but feel hurt by those that watched it and went on their merry way. Some people I actually had to physically ask, "Did you see the video?" "Oh yeah, I did."

I was tempted to write a status update saying something like, "OK people, that video took me many hours and frustration to create and I went out of my way to make sure that you saw I was thinking of you while making it. Doesn't that mean anything to you?" But that would make me no better, so I opted out of that decision.

Lately, I've been on a mission to be a better person and in all honesty, I have to give myself props for seeing the light even if it has been a slow process. I've been more forthright and while it hasn't been easy, it's been a great journey. I look forward to pressing on with it as I have much more to work on when it comes to this girl named Michelle. But sometimes, do you ever feel that it's so hard to block out the negativity? I keep trying to think positive about the whole thing, but I've been burdened, I guess, and I suppose I should just face that fact. That is why I say it was hard to pray the other night. I'm pretty cliche in the fact that I have a pretty set list of people I pray for every night. So, can you see how awful it was that some of these people I've been contributing my prayers for didn't even care to just say a simple thank you?

As each hour passes, I feel more better and start to forget about it. Time heals all, right? I know I'll be OK and this isn't the worse thing happening out there. But man, how I wish I could just let this go now.

For better or worse, I've discovered which people in my life actually...care.

Designer Gooseberried

2009-11-03T14:07:40-07:00

Well, I got my new computer, y'alls! I decided to go with a lappytop and I took Cristy's suggestion of Delilah for her name. I like the D names too especially since my old computer's name was Dora.

Now on to the bad news...

I was using a copy of Photoshop from my friend, Jim, whom you all know. So, I never actually had the software myself and therefore, when Dora died, she took my copy of Photoshop with her. As well as some other photos I wanted to edit and publish but alas, they are gone forever. That also includes all the photos I had stored of me which I was thinking of potentially using for my photo over there at the top of my right column, above the ads. So, I'm hoping Jimmer will come through for me again with another copy of Photoshop since the thing is so damn expensive. Until then, I've decided to use a pre-made Typepad design which I actually quite like. I normally design my banners in Photoshop and since I don't have it...I think you get it. Also, no new photo until I get some editing software of some sort. I'm self-conscious about my devil, red eyes that always come out in photos because my pupils consistently look like I'm stoned.

All in all, I didn't lose too many things when Dora passed. There's a few things I wish I still had but all things considered, it could have been much worse. At least now, I'll have more motivation to write since I can take Delilah with me to coffee shops, the library, etc. I'll be getting back into the grove of things soon, so please bear with me! As for now, Bowie wants to go outside since the high here today is 70 when only last week it was snowing.

We will return soon! :)