Grace Covers Me

The Fruit of Motherhood

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Tue, 21 May 2013 22:00:02 PDT

My oldest child, Will, turned 10 on Sunday.

Ten.

Ten whole years of him, of me as a mom, of more than Kyle and me in the house. Will was born after a difficult labor and after I was whisked away to the operating room. They showed him to me while the doctor stitched, and I couldn't see anything but a blur of tears.

In the recovery room, I moved the blanket back to see his fingers and toes. His legs were skinny. At 10, they still are, and if you look at him from behind, he looks exactly like my dad, who also had a birthday on Sunday. In these 10 years, under those skinny legs, he's grown up tall and strong.

There were days in these 10 years when I didn't know if we'd make it here. There were years when he didn't talk, when I had to tell him to tell me that he loved me and teach him how to hug me. There were years when he couldn't answer a simple question, when there was no curiosity, when there was little hope.

We took his friend with us to celebrate his birthday. His friend. He has a friend.

I watched him from behind as they bowled together. His legs are still skinny but his shoulders are broadening. I feel like he's mine but yet I'm watching him become his own person. Something is happening. He's growing up, yes, but this is the year that I can feel something else happening.

I can feel the fruit of motherhood starting to grow up big and strong.

Because in those years when it was quiet and when hugs were forced and when there was a disconnect between us, I didn't always love motherhood. I loved my son, but I didn't love motherhood. Because parenting a special needs child can feel like working really hard but not having anything to show for it.

It's very humbling.

And so very sweet. I suppose it's just that the sweetness takes a little longer to dig down into. And it's also that, through this little boy, God has altered my idea of what motherhood actually is. Motherhood is not raising a boy to play quarterback or planning elaborate birthday parties. It's not about helping our kids make friends or having them in the "right" circles. It's not about activities or education, although these are important.

No, motherhood is the everyday responses and interactions with our children. Motherhood is a matter of the heart, of mine and of what I'm imparting into my children's hearts.

This boy made me a mother and, by God stripping away everything I thought motherhood meant, taught me how to be a mother.

I feel him growing up under those skinny legs, growing into something I couldn't have begun to imagine on the day I peeked through my tears at him.

And I feel me growing up too, growing into the fruit of motherhood.

It's so sweet.

Church Planting Wife: What to Expect

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Sun, 19 May 2013 22:00:02 PDT

As we prepared to parachute plant, my husband read countless church planting books and talked to a few experienced planters to get their perspectives and wisdom. I picked up one or two of his books and even read over his shoulder a few times, but the strategies and how-to's that filled the books didn't seem pertain to me at all. What exactly does the wife of a church planter do? I shrugged my shoulders and plunged into church planting with approximately zero idea of what to expect and a few vague predictions of what this endeavor might mean for me and for our family life.

Wow. I probably should have talked to someone or done something to prepare other than jumping in blindly. Because what happened in the first few years was nothing like what I had imagined or expected. And because it looked so different, I thought I could possibly be the worst church planting wife ever.

To save you perhaps a year or two of confusion and questioning your sanity, I'll do what the church planting books filled with ideas and strategies didn't do for me. I'll tell you what you, the church planting wife, can expect in the first few years. Here goes:

It's going to be hard. Hard work. And discouraging, want-to-give-up hard.
You already know it's going to be hard, but you're thinking it's going to be hard for a little bit and then miracles are going to happen that erase any discomfort or difficulty. This miracle probably won't happen. Instead, it's going to take ongoing, intense hard work for multiple years to get this thing off the ground. This hard work is not reserved for your husband. Your work and responsibility level will be different than your husband's, but church planting will require almost an equal amount of hard work out of you.

There will be times that you will want to give up or get out from under the burden that you're carrying because of how weary or discouraged you are. You may question yourself, your husband, and God. You may wonder if you will ever see fruit from your efforts.

And these are all good things, part of the process of sifting you and crafting you into the minister that God wants you to be. If God has called you to this work, He is calling you into a process of refinement that is both difficult and sweet. Expect it and embrace it.

You're going to have a paradigm shift.

The end result of God's sifting through the difficulty of church planting is a paradigm shift. You can expect that God will give you new eyes for people, toward your own heart, and, especially toward Him. You will learn that, just as John 15 says, you truly cannot do anything apart from Christ in you. You will learn to depend on the Lord in a way that you have never been challenged to before. You may realize that your faith has never been truly tested until this point.

At some point, you will recognize that Christ and His gospel are the only things keeping you in the process, working hard, striking up one more conversation, and having one more family over. And you will recognize the infinite worth of Who you've given your life to and Who you're working for.

This is both difficult and sweet. Expect it and embrace it.

You're going to face spiritual warfare.
Spiritual warfare is real and you will face it in church planting, although you may not recognize it when it comes. It probably won't be a community leader or an unbelieving neighbor shouting at you in the street or picketing your church, although I guess you can't rule anything out. The spiritual warfare you'll face will primarily be with your own flesh and it will primarily affect your marriage. You'll face deep discouragement together and the enemy will try turning you against one another through resentment, anger, blame, blurred boundaries between ministry and marriage, or just plain exhaustion.

Be on guard for spiritual warfare; look for where it comes. The sooner you learn to recognize how the enemy attempts to drive a wedge between you and God and you and your husband, the sooner you can call a spade a spade and flee from the lies into the truth.

This is not something to fear, just something to recognize and see it as something that drives you into the powerful arms of your Savior. This is both difficult and sweet. Expect it and embrace it.

You're going to be called upon to do a variety of things, things that you may or may not want to do or be gifted for.
You are starting a church. There isn't a secretary, a children's minister, a janitor, or, if you're like us, there isn't even a building. There are lots of needs and jobs to go around, but few hands to fill them. Expect to be asked to fill a few roles that you don't love and don't necessarily want to do. Prepare yourself for this because you want to do these joyfully until you can hand them off or delegate them to someone else, which you should do as soon as possible.

This is both difficult and sweet. Expect it and embrace it.

You will know God in a new way.
There is so much you will learn by stepping out in faith, but the best thing you will learn is that God is faithful and capable of doing supernatural work that you yourself cannot do.

This is sweet. Expect it and enjoy it.

Experienced church planting wives, what else can a new church planting wife expect?

More Alike Than Different (Stop Making Excuses)

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Wed, 15 May 2013 22:00:05 PDT

As a pastor's wife, I get to interact with a variety of people from a variety of backgrounds and in a variety of life stages. Because of this, I'm learning a lot about people. And this is what I'm seeing: Most people think they're different from other people, that they are the only ones who have experienced a certain life situation or the only ones who struggle with a specific sin.

And it seems to me that people who think they are more different from others than alike attribute their differences to circumstances, and they use these circumstances as excuses.

Those people are connected because they live in that certain place.
That person is ________ so she wouldn't understand why I am _________.
That person has so many friends because her husband is more social than mine.
If I went to that church that provides more programs and opportunities, I'd have community.
My work hours prevent me from serving or being in relationships.
I couldn't hang out with that single person because I have kids.

It's like life just happens to them. Or they're waiting for someone to make their dreams come true.

But here's what I'm also seeing: No matter where they come from or what they do, people have more things in common than they have differences. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to belong. Everyone has hard things to deal with. Everyone wants to matter.

And the people who choose to find commonalities and choose to direct their lives recognize that there is plenty of community and love to be had no matter what their circumstances are. That they can't use circumstances as excuses.

I'm making mental notes here because, in the process of observing other people, I'm learning a whole bunch of things about myself. I'm realizing that if I'm feeling a certain way there are probably lots of other women who feel the same. I'm realizing that the things I struggle with are probably the struggles of tons of other women. The connection that I want is what the women around me want, so why not go for it?

The excuses I make when I am a victim of my circumstances are just that--excuses. I don't have to walk around like I'm alone and unloved because the truth is that I'm not. I can boss my life around and be purposeful about creating community and friendship and health and rest and opportunities for receiving and giving grace. Because when it comes down to it, I can choose to create for myself what I most want.

Questions for you: Do you choose your life or do you just let it happen to you? What are you making excuses for?

In Her Shoes: Single Women

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Mon, 13 May 2013 22:00:09 PDT

Ministry life is rewarding yet difficult. However, the longer I live, I recognize that everyone is walking a hard road in some way, and they simply want to be known, listened to, and understood. As we relate to women in our churches, the best thing we can do is ask questions, listen, and try to put ourselves in their shoes.

In order to help us with this, I invite women in different life circumstances to share on the blog in an occasional series I call "In Her Shoes". Today, I've asked one of my dearest friends, Marylyn, to share. Marylyn is in grad school, studying to become an occupational therapist. She is a faithful leader in our church, having served in numerous capacities, including children's ministry coordinator and prayer ministry team leader. I asked her to help us understand what life is like for her as a single woman in the church. I invite you to read and listen with a heart to minister to women in her same position.

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As a person who is single in the church, there are many things that bring me great joy. I have an abundance of time that allows me to invest in the lives of many different children and families. I love that I have an impact on the lives of a bunch of kids through our children’s ministry and through loving on the moms in our church well. I love that I have opportunities to babysit and encourage married friends to have date nights, which allows me to get life giving time with kids while also serving my friends. I love that I have freedom. I can go overseas for a summer. I can invest money in grad school. I can go on spontaneous road trips. I can make decisions without asking for permission or getting a babysitter or planning weeks in advance. I have an abundance of time that God can use for his kingdom.

That's my sweet friend, Marylyn, in the turquoise sweater, greeting people at our church.

However, I would be lying to you if I said that being a single in the church is not without its challenges. On average, it definitely feels like Christians marry at an earlier age, and since I went to a college in the south, the vast majority of my friends are married. Because singleness is currently my deepest source of pain, Sundays mornings are often times where I feel the most lonely. I always sit by myself on Sunday mornings. Church is often a place where all I see are couples holding hands and babies being rocked, where all I see is what others have and what I long for.

People often ask me how they can encourage me, and so here are some things that I have found helpful and not helpful. However, I would also encourage you to ask the singles that you know what is and is not helpful for them, because every single person is different and most likely they have unique things that are encouraging and discouraging to them.

Pray for your single friends. I pray often that God would grant my desire for a spouse, and it is so encouraging to hear that friends pray for me to remain content and live well in singleness, as well as for a spouse. I don’t take for granted having people who pray for me because often I feel alone and isolated.

Invite your single friends over to spend time with you and your kids…and also with you by yourself. I love getting to know families and being apart of their life as a family, but I also know that if their kids are there, we both are only going to be able to pay 50% of attention to our conversation and the other 50% will be interrupted. My best relationships with moms involve time with their whole family and time with just them.

Ask how they are doing with singleness….but not too often. There is this balance of the topic not being totally off limits but also not wanting it to be the only thing you ever talk about it. So ask about it, but not all the time.

Don’t say “I understand what you’re going through,” if you don’t. If you met your husband and married your husband soon after college like many Christian women, you don’t understand what it is like to be single 5/10/15 years after you graduate. You don’t know what it’s like to have not dated or kissed a man in years. When one of my closest friends had a miscarriage, I never pretended to understand what she was going through; I just cried with her. Sometimes rather than hearing a pat answer, it is more encouraging to hear, "I can only imagine how hard that must be."

Don’t act like God for sure will give me a husband because He might not. A spouse is not a promise that God gives in the Bible. God may choose to fulfill my desires in a different way, and I want to be ready and accepting of that. When you say it is a guarantee that God will give me a husband, this just affirms a lie that I already struggle not to believe.

To set up or to not set up on dates. That’s such a tough question…and to be honest, my answer has changed over the years. Right out of college, my fear was that my pastor and his wife would set me up with any eligible Christian fellow that came to the church (Thankfully, they did not do that). I was not in a place where I wanted other people seeking out marriage material for me. However, now that I do not have much interaction with the opposite sex (my profession is 97% female), I value people who have connections to other people and thoughtfully consider whether or not to introduce me.

I love the thought behind this series because it highlights that even though we all have unique callings as a ministry wife or a doctor’s wife or a single woman, much of our experience is the same. We all feel lonely and misunderstood sometimes. We all long for deep friendships. We all rejoice in our callings some days, feeling a great sense of purpose and hope. We all have days where we resent the life that God has given us and struggle not to compare what God has given everyone else around us. What a blessing it is that we get to live in community with one another, encouraging each other to turn to our Father, the source of our purpose, hope and joy in our unique calling.

Isn't she great? I love her. If you are single, how do you relate with what Marylyn shared? Is there anything you'd want the rest of us to know? Married women, what questions do you have about serving single women in the church?

Removing Parameters on Church Planting

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Wed, 08 May 2013 22:00:03 PDT

A few weeks ago, my husband and I went with some prospective church planters to tour D.C., which is about two hours north of where we live. We heard about how many people live within the District (700,000) and how many evangelical churches are actively reaching those people (a few). We learned the many obstacles that church plants face in the District, such as the cost of living and few logistically-good places to meet, but also about the pastors and planters that are laboring faithfully there in the name of Christ. To sum our trip up: the harvest is great but the workers are few.

I recently talked to a pastor's wife whose husband is considering church planting. She's willing as long as they stay in close proximity to where they currently live. They live in a place where there are tons of gospel-preaching churches and where almost every school has a church meeting there. I know the company line--just because there are already churches doesn't mean there isn't a need for more--but I genuinely wonder sometimes why God would call people to saturate one area but leave another alone.

I don't pretend to know how God moves, and I also know where she's coming from. When we were preparing to church plant, my husband and I tried to think of every possible way we could stay near our families. But when we were honest with ourselves, we knew we felt scared to leave the only culture we'd known and become outsiders, and we also knew that fear couldn't be our compass in choosing a location. We knew it would be easier (if you can call church planting easy in any place) if we kept the parameter of comfort around our willingness to church plant, but that we had to hold our hands open.

I carefully broached the subject with her, imploring her to think of the great needs in areas even within the States that are almost completely unreached. Don't discount these places because you're scared, I said. Don't automatically focus on what you know already, I said. You, of course, have to go where God leads you, I said, but please promise me you'll pray about going somewhere you never thought you'd go. Hold your hands open.

I almost want to encourage prospective church planters to seek places outside their comfort zones. Why? Because I know what it's like to go somewhere uncomfortable and to find out how incredibly faithful God is! I know what it's like to jump out of a plane without a parachute and be caught by the hand of God. I know what it's like to live in a place where the harvest is great and the workers are few and see the harvest start to come in. It's incredible, simply incredible.

In our first few years here, I said to anyone that would listen, "We will never do this again! It's too hard." Now, I'm not so sure. Now, I see places like D.C. and recognize the great needs in our own backyard. Now, too, I know the faithfulness of God. My hands are open.

My point is this: If you are considering church planting, I encourage (urge) you to take off any parameters you've put on your surrender to God. Taking off the parameters will, I promise, open you up to experience the extreme faithfulness of God.

A Bad Sunday Morning

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Mon, 06 May 2013 22:00:10 PDT

This morning--a Sunday--was one of those mornings. I saw it coming Saturday night, so I went to bed at a decent hour as preventative medicine. My first thought when I woke, however, was, "It's Sunday morning," and I turned over and tried to go back to sleep out of defiance. Despite my best efforts to still my whirring brain by pulling the covers over my head, I couldn't sleep. And I also knew I couldn't magically skip to Monday morning--I would have to face the day.

I went straight to the coffeepot and then, coffee in hand, stared at the cover of my Bible for a long while. I finally cracked it open, read a few pages, and furiously penned prayers in my journal. Like a seesaw, each sentence moved from surrender to defiance to surrender to defiance again. I just don't have what it takes for today, Lord. I don't have the strength to get my kids ready and go to church without help today. I don't want to be a pastor's wife today because everyone will expect pastor's wife things from me today. Can I please go back to bed?

Eventually I got it a little more worked out with Him and sincerely offered myself to be used at church however He saw fit.

After breakfast, I got on Facebook and someone had posted something about pastors and I immediately went back to the beginning, like nothing had been worked out at all. I ranted in my head, surprising myself at how vitriolic I could be against someone I didn't know. Lord, I'm in a desperate place, obviously fueled by hormones. I'm just tired of everyone expecting so much, wanting so much. Or maybe it's just me expecting stuff of myself. Help me do this day well, which at this point means getting through it without snapping at people.

I resolved to just make it through what I needed to make it through. Often on these days, I try to hide by holding babies in the kids' ministry or cleaning up stuff so I don't really have to have conversations of any significance, but the Lord didn't allow that. He wanted me front and center in the service.

With my defiant, stubborn little heart, I went through the motions, but I chose to pity myself at how I am forced to serve, forced into a role that, on days like the one I was having, I don't want, thank you very much. And I looked around and thought that if people knew what I was thinking and how horrible my heart is, they would finally have evidence of what a bad pastor's wife I am.

That's when the Lord came gently, speaking to me about things that were different than what was going on in the service. You see there, Christine? You see how you're focused on what you do? You see how you think spiritual transformation is up to you?

Yes, I could see it. In fact, it's the story of my life that keeps morphing and infecting everything if I'm not vigilant to guard against it. I slip into defining myself based on my accomplishments or my performance rather than based on the grace of Christ. As a pastor's wife, it means I slip into evaluating my own performance based on the number and quality of conversations, connections, and acts of service. If I feel things are going well, then I am doing well. But I know this is dead religion; I know it's just me playing a role.

You're doing it again, Christine. You're attempting to work at something that I haven't asked you to work at. You're dictating to Me how I am honored. I don't want your obligatory service. I want you. I want to give you grace. I want you to stop thinking about what you do and simply receive My love. That's why I wanted you here today.

I realized that my defiant heart simply revealed my reluctance to admit weakness, that I actually couldn't pull myself up by my Pastor's Wife bootstraps to make myself feel better or make an impact on others. I realized that God wasn't exasperated by my weakness and failure. I realized the extent and power of His grace.

And I relaxed into the beautiful surrender of faith.

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Do you have Sunday mornings like that sometimes? Or am I the only one?

A passage that the Lord reminded me of is a passage that I'm committing to memory because I need it that bad. Perhaps it will speak to you, too?

Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?...Therefore He who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you, does He do it by the works of the law or by the hearing of faith? (Galatians 3:2-4)

Leaving Too Much Behind

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Thu, 02 May 2013 22:00:10 PDT

When I sit down face-to-face with a more seasoned pastor's wife or more experienced mother, I don't often ask her for ideas on what more I can do or what else I could add to my plate. The truth is that my plate cannot contain what is already there and everything piled on top of it is running together into one glob of busy. I err on the side of doing, or more accurately on the side of doing too much, so I certainly don't need more.

Because I err on the doing side and because I have the terrible disease of perfectionism, it's taken me a while (and many conversations with seasoned pastor's wives) to learn to recognize when I am entering the danger zone of Too Much. There should be an app for that--an app that trips an alarm when the physical, emotional, and spiritual limits are strained and about to burst--similar to the Code Red app my husband has on his phone. App or no app, I've learned that when I am severely lacking joy, when I don't want to talk to another person, when I'm daydreaming of laying on a beach somewhere, or when I'm simply going through the motions just trying to survive until bedtime, I've entered into Too Much.

In ministry, it's fairly easy to arrive at Too Much. And it appears equally as difficult to leave. However, I've discovered that my life, my family, my ministry, and my relationship with God depend on my ability to leave Too Much and stay within healthy emotional and physical boundaries.

Here's what I'm still very much learning about how to do that:

I acknowledge that I am not God by resting.

Most of the time, my struggle to leave Too Much stems from guilt-- feeling guilty about saying no, feeling guilty about making time to rest, and feeling guilty when I'm actually resting because I tell myself I should be doing something else. However, I am a finite person and the Lord has given rest not only as a command but a gift, a way of acknowledging that we need. It's an act of dependence. And it's an act of trust: Lord, I am not responsible for everything and everyone, but You are. In my rest, I trust that you are still working.

I must rest well.

Reading People magazine at Barnes & Noble is fun, keeps me updated on the oh-so-important Hollyweird world, and shuts off my brain for a bit, but it does nothing for my soul. But when I spend time with my husband or a friend, when I write, when I read good books, or when I play softball, I feel like my soul is singing sunshine. These activities aren't necessarily spiritual activities, although some actually feel like an act of worship, but they often lead me to enjoy God.

I have to plan rest.

Soul rest doesn't happen by accident. I have to first know what stirs my affections for Christ. Then I have to choose these things on purpose, which means I must make time for them by planning ahead, which also means I have to say no to mostly good things in order that I can feed my own soul.

There is joy in margin.

Sabbath rest never fails to lead me right back to doing but it keeps me from arriving at Too Much. Instead, rest helps me delight in where I am and what I'm doing. It feeds my joy.

In ministry, you can be as busy and overextended as you want. No one will guard your soul from Too Much except you. How are you doing in this area? What have you learned about rest that you could share with us all?

The One Thing to Know in Ministry

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:00:12 PDT

If I could sit with you for just a few short minutes and give you words of wisdom that could sustain a lifetime of ministry, I might try to cram in what I've learned about criticism or how to approach Sunday mornings or what you need to know about making friends, but really it all boils down to one thing: You are loved by God.

Know and remember and meditate on the fact that you are wildly loved by God. This will keep your eyes up rather than looking side-to-side for what others are doing or saying. Dress yourself in His love, tend to your wounds with it, look to His love for your approval and rightness, let His love do the compelling work that it does to fling us into the world with His grace and compassion spilling out from what you've received.

Know that you are a daughter sitting with Christ at God's table, not an orphan on the outside looking in, hoping to belong. You belong, you are welcome, and you carry the family name. Let His love fall over you, let it satisfy you, let it sustain you when you are full and also when you are lonely, downtrodden, and ready to cash in the chips. Because He can, and He will.

Rest in the idea that you are loved simply because of what Christ has done for you. Receive that gift graciously without trying to make up for the gift or prove you were worth it. Be a good gift-getter: enjoy His love, say thank you, and express your gratefulness for it by living joyfully and freely in what He's given you. Make it your goal to continue to know His gift toward you.

I could tell you about strategies and steps and spiritual gifts, roles and rhythms and relationships, but it's much simpler than that. You want to be fruitful, do you? You want to be a good ministry wife, yes? There is, at the very foundation of ministry, only one thing you need to know: love. Receive God's and let it compel you to love others.

For the entire law is fulfilled in this one word, even in this: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Galatians 5:14

Criticism in Ministry

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 22:00:00 PDT

Criticism happens, and it happens to everyone: wait staff, airline folks, retailers, CEOs, and moms whose kids are having one of "those" days in front of others. Although criticism happens to everyone, it varies in content and scope according to the roles we play. For the ministry wife, whether it is constructive or a hurtful aside, criticism is always personal because it is directed toward her husband, her children, or her own choices. Although many don't understand this, criticism is also personal for us when it is directed toward the church because we care about the church as if it were an additional child. Criticism, therefore, is one of the most difficult aspects of ministry that each one of us face.

Because it is personal, I've come to believe that how we deal with criticism in ministry is vitally important. When we respond to criticism with unforgiveness and anger, we grow to despise the ministry and the people God has given us to love. There is another common response to criticism in ministry and it's this: we shrink back. We allow the fear of future criticism to keep us from doing what God has called us to do, not just as a ministry wife, but as a member of the Body. I know all about these responses, and I also know all about where it leads.

But we don't have to respond this way. We can respond biblically and healthily to criticism. It's taken me a while to figure this all out. Let's be honest, I'm still figuring it out, but I have learned a thing or two along the way. Here are my tips of the trade:

Be able to distinguish what are the "wounds of a friend"and what are not.

There is such a thing as good criticism. This kind of criticism comes from safe people through appropriate channels and is meant to lovingly help us grow. We can only discern the wounds of a friend if we listen without immediately getting defensive and then listen for the Holy Spirit's confirmation that this is, in fact, meant for our edification. We won't go wrong if we take a learner's perspective rather than a defensive posture.

Take the criticism to the Lord.

There are many types of criticisms that aren't constructive: people speaking from personal preference, sharing veiled criticisms that attempt to mask their disappointments, aiming at our husbands through us, or speaking from their own wounds. No matter the criticism, in order to not dwell on it or fuel bitterness, I have to take it all to the Lord and ask for His perspective. Am I doing what He has asked me to do? Am I being faithful in that? Is there truth to anything that was said? Is there some perspective He could give me on the person that might change my anger to compassion?

Set good boundaries.

We have to teach people how to handle their frustrations and disagreements with us, our husbands, or our churches. For example, if someone is asking me questions about my husband's decision or even about what is going on within the church, I immediately feel the need to defend him. But instead of taking on that role, I say, "I don't know the details about that, but you can go to Kyle and ask him. He'd be happy to talk to you about it." I am trying to teach people the appropriate channels and that I am not an additional staff member.

Work out the deep wounds.

Some words and actions cut deep and they will want to fester rather than heal. Bitterness will speak to us that we should cherish these wounds, remembering them because no one else will. Bitterness tells us that we're justified to recall and rehash what's been done to us. But God says the opposite. He takes anger and unforgiveness seriously. He says we are to forgive because He has forgiven us so much more. Rooting out bitterness and forgiving sometimes happens instantly but, often, it is a process. We must continue to work out deep wounds until they are no longer wounds.

Don't self-criticize. Let the Holy Spirit be the Holy Spirit.

One of the most hurtful types of criticism is self-criticism, like the conversations I have in my head. For some reason, I make up what I think people think of me or want from me. Instead, I have learned that I must trust the Holy Spirit to lead me. If I am not being faithful with what He's given me, I can trust Him to convict me. I cannot and will not please everyone, but I can please the Lord and He will show me how.

How have you learned to biblically and healthily respond to criticism in ministry?

The View From the Eyes of the Pastor's Kid

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 22:00:05 PDT

I am at Exponential this week and have invited a few guests to post in my place. Today, I'm welcoming Rachelle to the blog. She brings a needed perspective to our ongoing conversation in this space regarding ministry: the perspective of the pastor's kid.
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I grew up as a pastor's kid. {Insert your typical stereo-types and jokes here.}
Would you believe that, at age 35, I still get introduced sometimes as "the pastors' daughter"? And now, since my husband is full time at our church I also get the title "pastor's wife", which comes with its own separate jokes and pre-conceived notions.

My dad started a church over 30 years ago, so I have owned the title "pastor's kid" for as long as I can remember. When you grow up as a pastor's kid, because people come to the pastor when there is trouble, there were many times that I would know about marriage problems, financial issues and many other difficulties with many people from my church. It became my responsibility to keep quiet about all of them. We had very little money, and I watched my parents get a lot of expectations piled on them. I also realized that people were watching me all the time.

My parents’ marriage was watched closely, as well as their parenting, their financial decisions, their leisure activity--all of it. My dad was expected to be on call 24/7. I remember one time he got a call at 2:00 am because a lady had lost her cat and wanted my dad to come and rescue it from a tree. He went. He was expected to be at the hospital if there was a church member, or family of a church member, friend of a church member who was sick. Our door was always expected to be open, and people were free to stop in any time they chose.

Through all of this, my dad did not and does not complain. He has felt the call of God on his life, and he is the most merciful, gracious person that I know.

But here is why I think that many pastor's kids go off the deep end:
They see all of this.
They see all of the time, the work, the effort that goes into being a pastor.
And the sad part is, they also see the meanest side of people. Most of the time, it is by people claiming the name of Jesus! It can just blow your mind the things that people can say and do. If that is allowed to stay in your mind, and you dwell on it, and don't bring it before God and leave it there? It can destroy you.

So here's what happens: As a kid (or as a wife) watching her daddy (or husband) get treated like this is so disconcerting. You can start to feel like you just can't trust anyone. You can start to wonder, “Is really worth it, pleasing God and serving people with your life?”

I am very blessed. My dad has a very godly, supportive and loving wife. My dad never ever put the ministry before his family. (and this is hard to do!) My dad knew that God wanted him to give his life to serve his community. And the most important part: my dad has a personal, growing relationship with a God who loves him and wants what is best for him. I learned how to handle the hard parts of ministry from watching my dad.

So for those of you who have had your own ideas or expectations of pastor's kids or pastor's wives, I encourage you to look at it a little bit differently for a minute. Understand the pressure, the unrealistic expectations, the stress and the pain that goes along with it. Understand that your pastor has feelings, that he is under attack, and that his wife and kids have real needs just like you do. Consider writing an encouraging note to your pastor, his wife or even their kids. Don’t participate in spreading gossip about him or his family. Make sure you are totally in the Spirit before you even think of putting down his character (and especially don't talk to him about some issue right before or after he preaches). Pray for him and his family a little bit harder.

And the next time you are tempted to judge, or criticize, try looking at the view from the eyes of a pastor's kid, a kid who is still developing his view of the world, of people, and of God. Try looking at the view from the eyes of a pastor's wife, who just longs to have a friend who cares about them, who wants to get together for coffee, not because they need counsel, but because they actually care about her.

Finally, if you are the pastor’s wife or the pastor’s kid, remember this promise from God’s Word: “Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain” (1 Corinthians 15:58)

If you are not a member of a pastor's family, what have you learned from Rachelle that you can put into practice? If you are a member of a pastor's family, how do you embrace the life and calling God has given you?

High Hopes

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 22:00:02 PDT

Dear readers, I am at the Exponential Conference this week and, in my place, have invited a few guest posters to share with you. You will certainly be blessed by them. And, if you're at Exponential, won't you come by? I'm leading a breakout session about dealing with criticism on Tuesday at 4:30 and would love to see you.

---

Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant. Matthew 20:26

Every mother wants the best for her children. From even before she holds that baby in her arms she’s already hoping great things for the life of that someday man or woman. The mother of James and John, two of Christ’s disciples, was no different.

As an early follower of Christ, this mother knew that the best for her sons could only be found near Christ. So she asked Jesus, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom” (Mt. 20:21).

Here’s a mother who seems to be looking out for her sons, asking a very special favor of Jesus, who did indeed hold close these “sons of thunder,” as he called them.

When this mother made her request though, it’s likely that she envisioned greatness for her two sons, perhaps a seat of honor and power, and likely an earthly kingdom. Christ replied to her question with a question for her sons, “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?” The sons’ reply, “We can,” showed they likely had no idea what their mother’s request entailed. To drink from Christ’s cup meant to share in his sufferings. To sit near Him meant, not power, but meekness and servant-hood. To be first was to be last.

James and John did indeed follow Jesus in this upside down path to greatness. It is believed that James was the first of the 12 apostles to face martyrdom (Acts 12:2). And while tradition has it that John, the beloved disciple, author of 5 books of the Bible, outlived all the other apostles, he did face his fair share of suffering: he was thrown into prison with Peter, faced the persecution of Herod Agrippa, the loss of his brother, and the subsequent scattering of Christ’s followers, and later in his life after more persecution ended up in exile on the Isle of Patmos he wrote the book of Revelation (Acts 4:3, Acts 12:1-17, Rev. 1:9).

This isn’t exactly a mother’s dream come true for her children: early death for one, imprisonment, suffering and persecution for the other. And yet, while the earthly life of these two sons was anything but easy, they lived the fullest of lives: walking with Jesus up-close, attesting to His resurrection, glorying in His ascension, proclaiming the way to abundant life to all who would believe.

The message here is a hard one for us mothers. And for me personally, with two little ones three and under and another on the way, I feel like I haven’t yet even begun to truly and deeply understand the letting go that is required for a mother who trusts her children into the good—but not safe—life of a sold-out follower of Christ. This is where we must not only believe the message of the Gospel, but place our entire hope into it, and into words like those of Paul who said, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” (Roman 8:18). We have to believe that the sufferings of this world that we or our children will undoubtedly face if we follow Christ with any reality at all will indeed be but “light and momentary,” compared to the “eternal weight of glory” that awaits us (1 Cor. 4:17).

The ironic lesson in this story is that if we truly desire greatness for our children, we must help them obtain it by modeling the heart of a servant. In God’s kingdom, a leader leads by taking up the basin and the towel and washing the feet of another. This is the way of his upside down kingdom. The only way up is down.

Talk to me: Sometimes our dreams for our children do not align with God’s dreams. One mother dreamt of greatness and power for her sons, when true greatness meant serving, not being served. How do we submit our dreams for our children to Christ? How can we make this both a habit and a posture?

About Catherine:

After graduating with a Master's degree in Biblical Studies from Reformed Theological Seminary, Catherine Claire Larson spent seven years writing with Chuck Colson for BreakPoint radio, Christianity Today, and the Washington Post/Newsweek online’s On Faith blog. Today, she writes amidst the clatter and curiosity of two young children. Her second book, Waiting in Wonder: Growing in Faith While You’re Expecting published by Thomas Nelson just released on April 16. To find out more about her or this beautiful devotional journal, visit: www.catherineclairelarson.com

Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy!

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 22:00:00 PDT

I always wanted to have boys. And that's exactly what God gave me: three boys who are 9, 7, and 5 and the lights of my life. They make me laugh, they amaze me with their thoughts and abilities, and they are every bit the blessing that the Psalms describe.

But I must say, they also perplex me. I am the lone girl in this house and, at times, I feel the loneliness of one. I don't always relate to the rough and tumble play or the unique needs of boys. I have just one sister, so I grew up in an estrogen-filled home, which I'm sure was totally different than what I'm experiencing but equally as perplexing to my parents. Teenage hormones, anyone?

Although I don't always understand boys, I'm glad I'm a mom of boys. I absolutely have no idea what I would do with a girl, aside from dressing her in adorable clothes. I do, however, know a thing or two by now about what it's like rearing boys. Here's what I know so far about raising children of the male variety:

He did his own band-aid work in response to a small scratch on his face. He also would not sit still for this picture. Boys.

1. Boys are simple. As long as they're loved, rested, fed, and allowed an opportunity to get their energy out, they're perfectly content in life.
2. I'm convinced that bulk food stores were created for families with boys. My husband always says, "We won't have to pay for three weddings, but we're paying for three weddings one meal at a time."
3. One form--perhaps the most common form--of boy communication is wrestling.
4. When it comes to clothes for boys, all you need are a few bottoms, a few tops, a few superhero pajama sets, and one pair of shoes and you're good to go.
5. No matter their age, boys think tooting is funny.
6. Boys tend to be loud, rambunctious, and innately drawn to stories of adventure and valor.
7. Boys can make a game out of anything. They can also make a sword out of anything.
8. Boys don't like to answer a lot of questions. But when you get them tucked in bed and kiss them goodnight, feelings and thoughts tend to fall right out.
9. Boys like to be naked.
10. Boys love what their dad loves and they also really, really love their mamas.

I am not simple emotionally, I don't love to wrestle, and I prefer calm and quiet. But as a mom of boys,
I am embracing more and more the uniqueness of boyhood and the uniqueness of the family God has given me. I want to treasure my boys right into manhood, when they grow up to be men who still don't care about their wardrobe and who still think tooting is funny, but also men, I hope, who are men of godly adventure and valor like the stories they so love now.

How are you embracing the uniqueness of the family God has given you?

Where Am I?

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 22:00:02 PDT

"Is this the way home?" My middle son piped up from the backseat, concern in his voice. We were on a stretch of road close to home, but one he evidently didn't recognize.

"Yes, of course it is, honey," I responded and turned back to the conversation I was having with my husband.

A few seconds later, he interrupted again. "Are we going home? Is this the way home?" In the front, we found this humorous, seeing as how we were literally a mile from home and on a road that we'd traveled multiple times, but we stifled our grins and tried to reassure him. "Yes, sweetie, this is the way home. I promise. We're very close. You'll see in just a second when we exit the highway."

But he simply would not let it go, turning his concern to the parent driving. "Dad, are you sure you know the way?" I glanced back at him to see he was sitting up straight, turning his head in every direction with true apprehension on his face, attempting to pinpoint his whereabouts.

My reassurances having failed, Kyle addressed him directly and at the very root of his apprehension: "Reese, you're just going to have to trust me that I know where we are and that I know where we're going."

With Kyle's words, my stifled grin turned to compassion. I also sometimes wonder where I am, where I'm going, and if the Person navigating really knows the way. I also feel apprehensive when the landmarks look unfamiliar and when a destination appears further away than it is in reality. And like Reese, I also question and doubt over and over even though the ability of the Navigator has proven to be perfectly accurate. As I thought about these things, I laughed at myself. My concerns about the future are equally as silly as Reese questioning our abilities.

Hearing Kyle's words to our son were like hearing God speak down deep in my heart: "Christine, you're just going to have to trust Me that I know where you are and that I know where you're going."

Life Around the Table

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 09:22:41 PDT

As a child, my parents constantly lugged my sister and I across town to Kay and Kenny's house. There, we played with their son, ate Kenny's homemade ice cream, and ran wildly through the mishmash of yards in their vicinity while our parents talked or played cards. When we were at Kay and Kenny's house, it usually meant later than usual nights, nights that ended with my sister and I asleep in the car on the way back across town or pretending to sleep so my dad would carry us gingerly to bed and my mom would change us into our pajamas and tuck us into bed.

When we moved across Texas because my parents wanted a better life for my sister and me, Kay and Kenny moved with us. When we built a house on a cul-de-sac, Kay and Kenny built a house right across the street. When their son got his license, he drove me to and from school, always in silence unless the radio was on because he had no idea what to do with me or why I wanted to stay after just a little bit and talk to the boy I liked. The three of us kids became teenagers and we all went our separate directions, but we still had homemade ice cream on Kay and Kenny's back porch and we still went to the lake each summer together.

Even now, when I go home, Kay and Kenny come across the street, sometimes with a meal, sometimes with an invitation for hamburgers, like their own family has come home. Their grandkids and my kids and my sister's kids ride bikes and swing on the homemade swing Kenny attached to a tree in their backyard.

I didn't realize until I was an adult that this kind of friendship was rare. As a child, I loved when my parents sat around the table laughing and playing cards with their best friends, but I didn't know why I loved it until much later. I love it because it was community, I saw my parents having fun, and because it made feel connected to a greater whole. I love it because it taught me what it takes to have a long-term, understated, consistent, deep friendship.

Most of it, I realize now, revolved around the table. Meals were never anything special, just a picnic on the back deck thrown together at the last minute or a spontaneous decision to go out to eat, all of us piling intermixed into cars. We just walked into their house and they just walked into ours, bringing or borrowing whatever was needed. And if we were lucky, the meal ended with Kenny's famous homemade ice cream, the kind that is half-melted at the start and that requires a second or third helping.

On the back door of the house that Kay and Kenny lived in when I was young, a sign said: "Back door friends are best." I was just a child, but I remember feeling that we were somehow honored guests because we always parked by their garage and just walked right in the backdoor without knocking.

This is what I'm going for in my life: back door friends (or at my house, garage door friends), people who feel comfortable waltzing in the front door without knocking, who grab what they need in the fridge without asking permission, who know that there is a seat at the table and love in my heart for them, and who know that the meal might just end with homemade ice cream.

Kenny's Homemade Ice Cream
3 eggs
1 1/4 cup sugar
1 heaping Tbsp flour
1 tsp vanilla
pinch of salt
1 can Eagle brand condensed milk
1 pint half and half cream
Whole milk
ice cream salt
bag of ice

Start with the eggs in a blender and beat for 2-3 minutes. The blender should run the entire time the ingredients are being added into the little top thing that comes out. Add the condensed milk and the half and half. Add the vanilla, flour, salt, and sugar. Let the mixture run for a minute or so. Stop the blender and pour the mixture into a 3 quart ice cream machine container. Pour some whole milk into the blender and blend it to get all the yummy residue. Add this milk to the machine container and as much milk as needed to get to the fill line. Turn on the machine and start adding ice around it until it's about 1/3 full. Sprinkle ice cream salt on the ice. Continue this process until it's full. Let the machine run until the ice cream is ready!

This post was inspired by Shauna Niequist's new book, Bread & Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table with Recipes, of which I was given an advance copy. If you need a reason or inspiration to open your door to friends and strangers, Shauna's book is for you.

How To Encourage Yourself in the Lord

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 09:41:35 PDT

There are seasons in life, it seems, when the world is closing in and all hope seems lost, times of utter loneliness, almost irrational in nature. What is going well? What am I doing right? Nothing, as far as my emotions can see. We got no food, no jobs, our pets' heads are falling off. That's the kind of language I use to convey my state of mind to my husband, because he can instantly relate to Dumb and Dumber quotes.

I make light of it, but there really is no lightness to times like these. It's all darkness and confusion and heaviness, times when you just need to know that you're on the right track, that your kids will actually learn to love anything other than video games, that you have a friend in the world, and that you matter.

Before my offline friends start beating a path to my door with meals and concerned faces and tissues (because that's how wonderful they are), I'm not in one of those times. But I have been. And I find that in those times, I crave encouragement from other people. I'm not talking the healthy, Christ-community kind of encouragement. I'm talking an almost insatiable desire for approval, for someone to say something to me that proves my worth and value as a person.

I know this isn't healthy, and I also know that God is dealing with me in this area because He continues to withhold what I desire in times of discouragement, and He continues to show me that no amount of human encouragement will meet the deepest needs of the heart. He is my only hope. His words are the true words of life. His approval is all I need.

Knowing this struggle of mine, I am amazed every time I read this verse: "But David encouraged himself in the Lord his God" (1 Samuel 30:6). Do you know the story? David and his men have come back from battle to find that their homes have been burned and their wives and children taken. The men turn on David, preparing to stone him. If anyone could quote Lloyd, it's David: We got no food, no jobs, our pets' heads are falling off. But David seeks no man's encouragement about the type of leader he has been. He runs immediately to God for wisdom, his worth, and encouragement. He asks for direction from the Lord, for some discernment in the midst of the grief and confusion. And God gives it to him.

This has given me a framework for learning to encourage myself in the Lord. Of course, it begins for me with recognizing that I must allow God to kill any unhealthy desires for words of approval and worth from others, even my husband. This is always the beginning: confessing sin, confessing when I am frustrated by unmet expectations, and confessing that God is enough. When I recognize and acknowledge that my hope is in God and acknowledge what He's done and doing in my life (that all hope is not lost), I find that He urges me to ask for what I need. What is at the root of what I'm feeling? What truth from the Word speaks to what I'm feeling or thinking? What characteristic of God do I need to recognize and apply to the situation? Do I need to share my struggle with others who will pray for me and speak truth to me?

This process typically has to happen over and over and over for days until the light of hope and grace and truth start to shine in my heart again.

Until, yes, there it is...

I am encouraged in the Lord.

How do you practice the discipline of encouraging yourself in the Lord?

Fight the Pull

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 22:00:01 PDT

Have you ever slept on a slanted mattress that, no matter how you tried to remain on one side, deposited you over and over to the middle? Considering I don't like to be touched when I'm sleeping, this is especially frustrating when I'm sharing a slanted mattress with my husband. We spend our entire restless sleep trying not to roll into one another.

My heart and my mind are so much like a slanted mattress. If I don't allow God's Word to daily transform me, I roll into the same old deceptions and self-driven thoughts, such as my legalistic tendencies or my belief that it's better to receive than to give or my doubting that God is good. A lesson learned is not always a lesson kept. The middle of the mattress has a strong pull.

The truth is that we aren't always safe people for ourselves. I am the most influential person in my own life, and you are the most influential person in your life because we speak to ourselves constantly, but we don't always speak truth to ourselves. We don't always think or feel things that are true. Our flesh has a strong pull in our lives.

I think this is why God constantly says to His people, "Remember." And it's why Paul says, "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage" (Galatians 5:1). Because we forget. Because we do get our hearts and minds tangled up again in confusion. Because we don't always fight well and because our flesh is weak.

For me, for some reason, these things are especially true regarding ministry. I forget truths about my identity in Christ and the joy of service so easily that every Sunday feels like the first one, like I haven't learn anything in all these years. I ask the Spirit to get in a fight with my flesh every Sunday morning because I tend to wake up cranky and dazed.

I figure if it happens to me, the middle of the mattress must have just as strong of a pull in your life, too.

The truth is our victory, is it not? When we walk in truth and grace and liberty, our ministries are full, yes, but also Spirit-infused and fruitful. Our steps are sure, our confidence in Christ. We have a weapon to beat back the fleshly pull.

Do you have fighter verses? There are a few truths that I fight with. Some are truths that I use to fight against lies and legalism. The others are those I use to fight for a pure heart in ministry. All are those that keep me from rolling to the middle of the mattress. Here they are:

I am a daughter of God through faith in Jesus Christ, therefore I am not an orphan and don't have to act like one. (Galatians 3:26)
God's grace has immeasurably exceeded my sin. There is nothing He hasn't forgiven. (Romans 5:20)
There is therefore now no condemnation for me because I am in Christ. (Romans 8:1)
I have died to the law so that I might live to God. I can't build the law again into my life. The life I now live, I live by faith in Christ. I do not set aside the grace of God; for if my righteousness comes through my works, Christ died in vain. (Galatians 2:18-21)
I will not grow or change through my own effort but only by the Spirit's work in me. (Galatians 3:3)
My sufficiency and my approval are in Christ. He is also who makes me sufficient as a minister. (2 Corinthians 3:5)
My goal is to please God, not to please people. If my goal is to please people, I cannot please God. (Galatians 1:10)
I have been set as a member in the Body of Christ just as God pleased. (1 Corinthians 12:18)
My labor for the Lord is never in vain. (1 Corinthians 15:58, Hebrews 6:10)
I can depend on God for the strength I need to minister. (1 Peter 4:11)
God has given me a spirit of power and love and a sound mind, not a spirit of fear. (2 Timothy 1:7)
I can be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. (Ephesians 6:10)
I don't have to anxious about anything. (Philippians 4:6)
I am loved by God. Nothing can separate me from Him. (1 John 3:1, Galatians 2:20, Romans 8:35)
God is good. God is faithful. (1 Thessalonians 5:24, Romans 8:28)

What are your fighter verses? Please share in the comment section below!

Thank you to all who entered the giveaway of The Church Planting Wife. The winner is Virginia Vann! Congratulations, Virginia.

What's Up With The Book (For One, I'm Giving a Copy Away)

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 22:00:09 PDT

People in my off-line life have been asking me, "How are things going with your book?" It's been two months now since The Church Planting Wife released but I still don't quite know how to answer that question. I know that it's out there, my heart having been shipped in Amazon boxes and splayed open in the hands of women who have the same calling as me. If that is you, if you have read the book and not only read it but allowed the Lord to do a little work in your soul, I say thank you. Truly, thank you.

When I held a copy of the book in my hands for the first time, I prayed that God would use my meager offering held inside to embolden women and strengthen marriages and churches through those women. I've been amazed when He's let me in on how He's answering that prayer. I've been humbled that He is using the book as a resource for women entering their church planting adventure--it's like I'm a friend along for a ride of faith and reward! How good is our God.

So I don't really know how things are going with the book in terms of numbers or measurements of success, but do I really need to know? All I need to know is that God is using it how He chooses, and that I'm so grateful to have been given this gift and to walk this road with other church planting and ministry wives.

In honor of the book's two-month birthday, I'm giving away a copy of the book! To enter, simply leave a comment about either why you want to read it or why you want it for a friend. This week is Spring Break in our family so I will announce a winner when I return with a new blog post next Monday, April 8.

If you're one of those people who make a meal out of sampling food at Sam's or Costco, you might want a sample of the book before plunking down your change. I understand. Did you know that I offer a few sample chapters for free here on the blog? Here they are:

The Introduction: Am I Willing?

Chapter Four on Friendship

Since this is turning into an infomerical, I will first promise that this will be the last post of this kind for a long while and then I will invite you to join me at two upcoming church planting conferences. In April, I'll be at Exponential in Orlando, where I'll speak on handling criticism. The conference is sold out but you can get the Webcast from anywhere in the world.

And in July, I'll be at the Send North America conference in the great state of Texas, where I'll be sharing the microphone with my friend Shauna Pilgreen as we discuss the transition into church planting from the wife's perspective. And I'll also be eating Tex Mex for every meal.

At both of these conferences, I'd love to meet up with any Grace Covers Me readers, get to know each other, and pray for one another. If you're going to either one, leave me a comment and let me know if you'd like to do a meet-up!

Finally, if you subscribe to the blog through Google Reader, please go ahead and switch to another reader now. Google Reader is going kaput in July and I don't want to lose you! I've switched to Blog Lovin', but I hear Feedly is good, too. You can always subscribe by email up there on the top left of the blog where it says--you guessed it--"Subscribe by Email". Or you can follow me on Twitter and only click over whenever I coax you to this space with a clever or intriguing tweet.

Thanks for letting me give you a kind of "State of the Blog" post. I'll be back to my normal blog self next Monday, when I will also announce the giveaway winner, which is supposed to remind you right now to leave a comment for a chance to be that winner. I'm sneaky like that.

Happy Spring Break or Happy Normal Week, depending on where you are.

Lies Ministry Wives Believe

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 08:23:38 PDT

As a pastor's wife, I find myself fighting the same old internal battles that have plagued me from year one, only now I recognize them more quickly and have tools to combat them. Do you think or believe these lies, too?

1. My identity is that of a ministry wife.
It doesn't take much. Your husband is called to a church or you announce to your friends and family that you're headed to the mission field and suddenly you are labeled and introduced everywhere you go as The Pastor's Wife or The Missionary. The labels so quickly enter the heart, causing a subtle shift from identifying as a child of God, a Christian, to identifying as a role, a status, a label, a category. As our identity wraps around our Ministry Wife label, we start questioning what a ministry wife does. What are the Ministry Wife's activities? How do we measure our performance as The Missionary Wife?
This subtle shift tweaks our motivation and reason for ministry. It leads us away from the heart of God and our primary identity to pride and performance.

2. I am not called to ministry.
This isn't just a lie we believe, it is also a go-to excuse for the timid and the resentful. I know because I've used it myself in times when I've just wanted to escape and run free. But the truth is that God has given me this man. And He has called this man to do this work. I wasn't good at geometry proofs, but it seems to me that if a=b and b=c then a=c, and if I'm called to this man and he's called to this work, I'm called as well. My role in our ministry looks totally different, but I'm called to it just the same. I honor God when I honor the man He gave me.

3. As a ministry wife, I'm playing a specific, scripted role.
It's suffocating to think that I'm supposed to be doing this ministry wife thing a certain way, but I spent too many years self-suffocating because I was trying to be like the pastor's wife at the church down the street or the ministry wife down the pew. I've tried on all their personalities, activities, and gifts, but, in the end, I've discovered it's freeing and way more fruitful to be who God made me to be rather than a stiff imitation.

4. My husband is important to the work of the church, but I am not.
My husband is up front and out front. I'm just kind of sitting there. At least that's what it feels like sometimes, which, when I believe this lie, I fail to recognize the opportunities I have. For some crazy reason, just because I'm a ministry wife, I can influence people. I can speak grace into the burdened legalist. I can turn conversations in a spiritual direction and offer biblical wisdom and it's not that awkward because people expect it. I know when people are hurting so I have opportunities to offer comfort, help, and Christ's healing. How is that not important to the work of the church?

5. My job as a ministry wife is to serve people.
Ok, yes, I serve people. But people are not whom I am ultimately serving. Like #1 listed above, there is such a subtle difference between the two that I find this lie the easiest to believe. After all, ministry is about people, being with people, and meeting the needs of people. But if people are my primary motivation, if I look to them for cues of what I should be doing, how I should be doing it, or how well I am doing it, ministry easily becomes a chore and a losing game. Ministry is about serving God, looking to Him for direction, for power to fulfill what He asks, and doing all of it to please Him. Serving people is a natural by-product of serving God.

6. I have to be available to everyone at all times.
How's this for a big fat lie: I have to be at everything, do everything, say yes to every request, and know everyone equally. We know this is a lie because if any woman tried to do all these things, she would be a boundary-less blob of crazy. She would have no good friends, no time to rest, and would be saying no to her family at every turn so she could say yes to everyone else. In fact, if she has pinpointed the deceit of #5 and seeks God's leadership in her time and decisions, she will have priority time for the Lord, her husband and family, and for rest. She will, in fact, be sane.

7. I can't ask for help or reveal my weaknesses and struggles.
Ah yes, this one. This is a modern day version of the "the pastor's wife can't have friends in the church" lie, birthed out of the Pinterest and Facebook era of cultivating a good exterior and being reluctant to admit to weakness. This isn't always the ministry wife's fault but instead a cyclical pattern between the church and its leaders. A ministry wife, for example, may share something with a trusted friend and either that friend has no idea of how to respond or they blab it to others, causing the ministry wife to retreat back into herself. It's a lie either way, this idea that a ministry wife doesn't have struggles or that she shouldn't be able to safely reveal them to others so as to receive the ministry of the church.

Ministry wives, the truth is that:
Your identity is as a daughter of God. You are approved and beloved by Him.
You are called to a man who is called into the ministry, therefore you are called into ministry.
God only expects you to be you and to use the specific gifts He's given you.
You are influential and important in the work God is doing through His church.
You are serving God, not people, although you will serve people as an outflow of serving God.
It's proper and right to set limits because you are limited person.
You need the church because you need sanctification and community.

Which of these lies do you most often believe? What lies would you add to the list?

To Pastors: Share the Reward

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Sun, 24 Mar 2013 22:00:00 PDT

Shared with my husband's permission, this is an encouragement for pastors, ministry leaders, and, really, any husband.

At our church’s annual leadership appreciation dinner, my husband—the lead pastor—asks the staff, elders, and leaders to share how they’ve seen God moving among and through us. It’s always a time of mutual encouragement and rejoicing at just how significant each member is to our local body of Christ.

This year, an especially tiring and trying one, I had been especially looking forward to having the leaders in our home, sharing a meal together, and listening to those I love encourage one another. Our church, only four years old, had grown spiritually and numerically and, as the pastor’s wife, I was acutely feeling the demands of church planting and ministry.

After dinner, my husband opened the floor, and I listened with joy as others were edified. In the end, to close the evening, my husband said, “There is someone I would like to acknowledge and express my appreciation for. I am so thankful for this person because they are someone I could not imagine doing ministry without. This person is vital to my ministry.” As he spoke, I looked down and began to fiddle with my napkin, a little nervous that he would gush over me so effusively in front of the leaders, but at the same time feeling grateful for his encouragement.

“Bill,” he continued, gesturing toward the pastor and elder that planted the church with us, “it’s such a joy to serve with you.”

I immediately reprimanded myself for expecting and desiring his words to be directed toward me rather than toward another faithful servant. At the same time, I knew that he had missed an opportunity.

My husband is an excellent husband and pastor, but he cannot always see how much my life is affected by his vocation, nor all the ways I genuinely try to help him be successful. As a pastor’s wife who embraces this calling and this life, who willingly serves, what I most want is for him to acknowledge and champion me as his partner in life and in ministry every chance he gets. I especially need to know that I’m vital to my husband, that he needs me.

I told him all these things later. I told him that I thought he was talking about me and about how embarrassed I felt when I was wrong. But I also told him, “Sometimes I feel as if I am carrying the burdens of ministry with you, but I don’t get to share in the rewards.” The rewards I want are to know that we’re a team, that I’m vital to him and to his calling, that God is using me in our church and community. That night, apologetic at missing a public opportunity, he spoke private words of appreciation and encouragement to me that God used to re-energize me for ministry.

Pastors, your wife likely carries many of the burdens of ministry with you. And she probably does it willingly and joyfully most of the time. You have opportunities every day to share the rewards with her. Champion her and her specific gifts. Encourage her, not just privately, but publicly—your actions and words teach the church how to honor and encourage her as well. Tell her how God is using her. Tell her how much you need her as your partner in life and in ministry.

Like a plant faithfully watered and nourished, she will blossom under your words.

In Her Shoes: Medical Wives

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Mon, 13 May 2013 16:59:16 PDT

I asked and you delivered. My question: "What's it like to be a pastor's wife?" Your answers could have been my very own:

Life is very full.
My biggest struggle is fearing God rather than man.
I wish I had the mental and emotional space, as well as the time, to cultivate deeper relationships with more women at our church.
I want people to know that when the pastor says no to your gracious invitation, it might be so that he can say yes to me and our kids.
I am honored to get to do this.
I appreciate how my children get a front row seat on positive and negative consequences in life.
I wish people would believe me when I tell them I'm just like them.
I enjoy getting to counsel and comfort someone in need.
I struggle watching my husband work so hard and pour out his life and then hear him questioned.
Friendship can be difficult because we inevitably end up talking about church and I feel like I'm "on the clock" rather than out to coffee with a friend.
I want people to know I need them.
I struggle with feeling inadequate and unsure of my role.

In order to help us with this, I'm going to invite women in different life circumstances to share on the blog in an occasional series. Today, I've asked my neighbor and friend, Aimee, to share. Aimee's husband is a medical resident, of which there are many in our community and church. She also leads a ministry to medical wives in our church called Side by Side. I asked her to help us understand what life is like for her. I invite you to read and listen with a heart to minister to women in her same position.

Over the past eight years, my husband has been in “medical training”, the process required for a person to become a physician. It sounds innocent enough, but in a room full of doctor’s wives when someone mentions those words we all knowingly shudder. Each one of us has their own story of how they get through it. There is a lot of talk of being in “survival mode”. Yet I’ve been thinking lately how much more appropriate it would be to say that I have spent a lot of time in “dying mode”.

It felt like I had lost my husband during many of these training years. I didn’t know what it was like not to go to bed alone, raise our kids alone, spend weekends and holidays alone. When he was home, the pressure and exhaustion permeated the house. I struggled with resentment because he couldn’t see me anymore. There was no time, no talking, just the work. Pretty soon it stopped feeling like we were married.

Church has been an especially lonely place for me over these years. Church life thrives on being committed, being involved, fostering fellowship with other believers. A training physician basically works and sleeps. Church is a luxury they can’t always afford and for many this is a time of great spiritual decline. We stayed away from church for several years. We felt so out of place among the normal families. Most Sundays I was on my own and when my husband was home I struggled with giving my only day with him over to the Lord. When we saw so little of him, the sacrifice felt very steep.

I remember one Sunday a few years ago my husband was finally off of work to attend church with us. The sermon series was on the passages in Colossians dealing with marriage and family. That particular day our well meaning pastor directed a warning to the husbands in the church, “If your job is forcing you to choose between your work and your family, it is time to get a new job.” I looked at the ground, eyes welling up. That day was the first time in weeks I had seen my husband in daylight. When we got home we both felt defeated and misunderstood. We didn’t need someone to tell us the way we were living wasn’t conducive to a healthy marriage and family, we were living it, we knew. It wasn’t intended to be so but it felt like judgment in our weakened state.

We spent a long time without hope until I started to share openly, at the risk of sounding spoiled and self focused, what it meant to be a medical family, how hard my life had become, that I couldn’t manage what was being asked of me and I was afraid my family was falling apart. Fortunately, I found those in our church cared and responded. My world was foreign to them but people tried to enter in. As I was welcomed and listened to, loved and served by his body, God worked in me. Instead of feeling like I was dying I started willingly dying...to myself.

I still feel tired and lonely often in my circumstances but I no longer feel that sense of entitlement that resulted in so much bitterness and despair. My marriage has been transformed by God’s grace and our great devotion to one another. I used to believe that I deserved a husband to be home to help me, to give me attention, to give me time to restore. I can desire these things but if I am insistent I deserve them it only leads to brokenness. I believed that I shouldn’t be asked to play both mom and dad to our kids or give up my own dreams and identity to serve my husband in countless ways while getting nothing in return. I didn’t want to die to myself but the power of our faith is that what follows the dying is the living.

Being a doctor’s wife IS a privilege, not for what I stand to gain but for what I have been forced to lose. There is beauty in being stripped of your ability to have expectations because it allows you the freedom to give them up. It is not a lesson I learn once, but daily. I know you can relate to us, you ministry wives. Our husbands are responsible for the health of people’s bodies, yours are responsible for the health of people’s souls. Remember us, reach out to us, we have much to learn from each other.

Thank you, Aimee, for sharing.
Readers, do you know someone like Aimee? How has this helped you understand and minister to her?

My Only Hope

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 22:00:08 PDT

I wrote today's post as a reminder to myself in a time when I have been grasping for joy and peace and hope. In the end, He is the only way. May we all rest and rejoice in that today.

My hope is not in good health or size 6 jeans,

In saying goodbye to winter and hi to spring.

As much as I look, hope is not found in sleep

Nor in any stability I fight hard to keep.

My hope is not in someone understanding me

Or cultivating a picture-perfect family.

My hope will be crushed if it’s in my own good name

Or writing or blogging to achieve critical acclaim.

My hope is not in a fresh coat of paint on the wall

Or bright, clean floors when guests come to call.

Despite what I think, hope is not in vacations away

Or browsing the aisles of Target alone for the day.

My hope is not in hobbies, passions, work, or play,

Nor in romance, affection, or a wedding day.

I can’t place my hope on that “someday” to come

Whether it’s retirement, change, or some future fun.

My hope is not in invitations or the love of others,

Nor is it in friendship or sisters or brothers.

I can hope all I want that things will stay the same

But, in the end, I will only and always lose at that game.

My hope is not in the husband beside me in life

Nor in the end of the kid’s bickering and strife.

My hope is not in my accomplishments or good deeds

And it’s certainly not in anything that I eat.

Although many of these are good gifts of grace

They are not my hope in this earthly place.

Therefore I don’t have to be crushed or fear,

Nor seek after what is fleeting and try to hold it so near.

You see, my hope is in God, the author of grace.

I listen for His voice and look to His unchanging face.

I call on His name, I look for the move of His hands

I fall on Him, knowing He will help me withstand.

My hope is in God: His character, heart, and death;

His leadership, promises, and soul-giving breathe;

His willingness and ability to seek and to save;

His resurrection, the victory that He won at the grave.

When my hope is in God, not in any other things

I can face each day with peace, whatever it brings

When my hope is not in circumstances or days

I can give thanks and rejoice, come what may.

What It's Like to be a Pastor's Wife (In Which You Write the Post)

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 15:25:40 PDT

My neighbor Aimee's husband is a medical resident. He works long, constantly shifting hours. She homeschools her two oldest children while caring for her newborn and makes warm meals for her husband to scarf down before getting called back to the hospital. I try to understand her life and empathize with its inherent challenges, but I don't know what that's like.

My best friend's husband works on product design for Nissan. Before that he worked for Ford, which means my friend Jo and her family have moved from Texas to Tennessee to Detroit to Tennessee to Canada and will soon move back to Tennessee. He takes after hours conference calls from Japan because it's not after hours in Japan and Japan is where Nissan is based. I love my friend Jo and listen about the business decisions her husband is currently making that affect their family, but, in the end, I can't completely identify with the road she walks.

My sister Sarah's husband, my brother-in-law, is a farmer in the windy, hot south Texas town of Harlingen. This is new for them, although the farm has been family-run for generations. Farming is in Travis' blood, I suppose, and now it's my sister's way of life, too. She now talks to me about rain and if the crop will be good this year and sends pictures of their kids riding the John Deere tractor. I don't know what it's like for my livelihood to depend on the weather or to have a husband whose hands need to be in the dirt.

All I know is what it's like to be a pastor's wife. I know what it is to have a husband who serves on staff of an established church, and I also know what it is like when that husband says he wants to plant a church. These roles are similar and also quite different, but, in the end, his ministry jobs both have made me a pastor's wife.

So I can't tell you what it's like to be a doctor's wife or a businessman's wife or a farmer's wife, but I can tell you what it's like to be a pastor's wife.

But I'm not going to tell you. I want you to tell. This is going to be a "you write the ending" kind of post. I want readers who are not ministry wives to hear what life is like married to a pastor. Although it's impossible to fully walk in another's shoes, I think it's important for people in the church to try to understand their pastor and pastor's wife so they can care for them, ease their burdens a bit, and celebrate joys with them.

And you know what? If you are not a ministry wife, I want to hear from you, too. I simply want you to ask questions, things you've always wanted to know about what life is like for your pastor's wife. Let us tell you because we really want you to know. In my next post, we'll turn the tables, but, for now, will you walk in our shoes?

Ministry wives, tell me:

What is life like for you?
What are the privileges you enjoy as a ministry wife?
What are your personal struggles as a ministry wife?
What are the challenges that you or your husband face?
What are relationships like for you?
What are the rewards of being a ministry wife?
What do you want people in your church to know about your life?

10 Things I Know So Far About Marriage

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 06:24:14 PDT

This week I've reflected long on my marriage, thinking both of the joys and challenges that have led us to this point in our lives and about where we are now. Anniversaries will do that, won't they? Especially when your better half is on a different continent and you miss him terribly.

As I do each year, I pulled out our wedding pictures. Thirteen years, as I said before, is the anniversary where I no longer can remember not being married. But thirteen years is also enough time where wedding pictures and styles seem suddenly so outdated. We're getting older. The pictures, with our thin frames and young skin and we've-got-the-world-on-a-string smiles, declare it. But so does what's in my heart, because when I look at myself in those pictures I know now what I didn't know then. I knew I was making a covenant with the man beside me, but I didn't know what fulfilling that covenant would entail. I knew I wanted desperately to be married to him, but I didn't know how to be married.
Thirteen years later, I hope we're still babes of marriage. I hope we get to grow old together and that when we think back to where we are now, we'll appear so young and with still so much to learn about each other and about marriage. But in the thirteen years since we walked out of the doors of my hometown church as husband and wife, I've learned a thing or two.

Here's what I know so far:

In conflict, System Shutdown doesn't work. That's what Kyle calls the silent treatment, my go-to way of handling frustration in our newlywed days. You know the one: What's wrong? Nothing. What's wrong? Nothing. I learned that, shockingly, Kyle can't read my mind. It works much better to think about what's truly bothering me and then say that out loud in a calm, unemotional way.
The best encouragement is specific encouragement. It's great to say, "I love you", but it's even better to give specific reasons why. In addition, when I think about how thankful I am for Kyle or am proud of him for something he's done, I should always say it out loud. How will he know unless I tell him?
When it comes to sex, practice makes perfect. The pastor who married us gave us this great piece of advice. I remember that he looked at me when he said it, as if for some reason it was meant more for me than for Kyle. Now I know that he was right and that it was meant more for me than for Kyle. A mutually satisfying sex life takes work, practice, and lots of communication.
You have to do marriage on purpose. We have to be intentional about connecting, making time for each other, communicating, and planning where we want our marriage to be in the future. A good marriage isn't just going to happen. In fact, life will work against marriage, naturally pulling us apart from each other.
Don't stop playing together. We must go away together, even though it is a hassle to get childcare and it costs money. We must go on dates, even though it is a hassle to get a babysitter and it costs money. See #4.
Know why you're married. In the beginning, I was very focused on romance and feeling loved. You can imagine my disappointment when this didn't happen every moment of every day. I learned quickly that Kyle isn't there to make me happy. My marriage is not just about me and what I want. My marriage is, first and foremost, an example of the love and grace between Christ and His church. This means it's about sacrifice, service, intimacy, and constantly being reconciled to one another. It's about our sanctification, our holiness.
Men and women are different. Shocker, I know. I want to be loved and cherished and reassured of this daily. He wants to be respected, so much so that he equates respect with love. When facing difficulty, I want him to empathize with the emotion I'm feeling and he immediately filters out all emotion to get to a solution. My idea of a good conversation involves emotional sharing and his idea of a good conversation involves factual information and getting to the point. I grieve verbally and he grieves privately.
The first year of marriage lays foundations that remain. How we started was important, whether it was personal habits, how we steward money and possessions, how we relate to extended family and in-laws, how we fight, how we connect, everything.
My thought life is extremely important. Going into marriage, I knew that I should always speak with respect about and to my husband. But in marriage, I have learned that how I think about him is just as important. If I'm grumbling in my heart, noticing everything about him that frustrates me or that he does wrong, or if I'm comparing him negatively to other men, I have a difficult time relating to him with respect. But if I look for and appreciate the many qualities about him that are positive, I respond so differently to him.
I can hinder his leadership in our home. Easy. Just correct him when he tries to help me but does it differently than me, demand control in every little decision, and criticize him when he fails. If I don't give him space and grace to lead, he won't.

What do you know so far about marriage?

Thirteen

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Sun, 10 Mar 2013 22:00:04 PDT

Today is our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Thirteen is a nondescript number, not like the tenth or the twenty-fifth, when trips or parties are almost required rites of passage. Thirteen is thirteen: solid, sturdy, moving steadily along.

Thirteen, I’ve discovered, is also the anniversary where I can no longer remember not being married. I don’t remember having to say goodbye, and I don’t recall our third date or the specifics of the first time I met his family. I don’t remember knowing Kyle but at the same time not knowing him intimately. He is so much a part of me now, our lives so entwined, that I don’t know—and don’t want to know—life without him.

Thirteen is solid, sturdy, and steady, but it feels also that we’re moving further away from our youth and the sense of adventure we had when we were free from the burdens and responsibilities of family-hood and ministry.

And yet.

Perhaps I can’t remember not being married because we have lived such a full, adventurous life together--burdens, responsibilities, and all. How have thirteen years contained it all? Ministries, babies, homes, challenges, moves, trips, personal pursuits. As we reflected on our anniversary, my husband said to me, “Our marriage has been full because we haven’t let fear dictate anything. We’ve done things that require faith. I want to keep doing that.” Yes, that exactly.

I’ve never forgotten what my best friend’s grandmother wrote on the card attached to her wedding gift to us. She simply wrote: “May your marriage make a difference for the kingdom of God.” I try to remember to write the same sentiment to brides and grooms that my husband marries or who we buy a gift for because I think it’s a beautiful blessing and because I think it’s exactly what I want marriages to be, mine included.

I do want my marriage to make a difference for the kingdom of God. I want the way we talk to each other, parent our children, enjoy each other, partner together in ministry, and care for one another give notice that there is a God who wildly loves and enjoys His bride.

And I also want to live adventures of faith alongside the man God has given me. I want the next 13 years to feel more like 26 because we live so abundantly and faith-fully and we squeeze every ounce out of each day that we can. Together.

Today is likely not your thirteenth wedding anniversary, but it is a day where you can practice the hard work of forgiveness and sacrificial service. It’s a day when you can build rather than tear down. It’s a day when you can look at your husband when he’s unaware and marvel that God has given you such a man, flaws and all. It’s a day when you can do something that requires faith and look at that something as a together adventure.

Anniversaries are milestones, reasons to stop and celebrate. But they don’t carry the weight of the other 364 days, everyday days full of everyday things that build an extraordinary lifetime.

Happy Anniversary, Babe! I’m so grateful to be married to man like you. I love you.

This Precious Hope

christinehoover98@gmail.com (Christine Hoover) — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 03:32:41 PST

Blessed Creator,

Thou hast promised thy beloved sleep;
Give me restoring rest needful for tomorrow's toil;
If dreams be mine, let them not be tinged with evil.
Let thy Spirit make my time of repose a blessed temple of his holy presence.

May my frequent lying down make me familiar with death,
the bed I approach remind me of thy grace,
the eyes I now close picture to me their final closing.
Keep me always ready, waiting for admittance to thy presence.

Weaken my attachment to earthly things.
May I hold life loosely in my hand,
knowing that I receive it on condition of its surrender;
As pain and suffering betoken transitory health,
may I not shrink from a death that introduces me to the freshness of eternal youth.
I retire this night in full assurance of one day awaking with thee.

All glory for this precious hope,
for the gospel of grace,
for thine unspeakable gift of Jesus,
for the fellowship of the Trinity.
Withhold not thy mercies in the night season;
thy hand never wearies,
they power needs no repose,
thine eye never sleeps.

Help me when I helpless lie,
when my conscience accuses me of sin,
when my mind is harassed by foreboding thoughts,
when my eyes are held awake by personal anxieties.

Show thyself to me as the God of all grace, love and power;
thou hast a balm for every wound,
a solace for all anguish,
a remedy for every pain,
a peace for all disquietude.
Permit me to commit myself to thee awake or asleep.

--from The Valley of Vision, pages 298-299