One Spring, she noticed a male bird checking out the wild little house. She watched as he inspected it, inside and out. He must have liked it because he returned the next morning, perched himself on it, and began singing his heart out. That’s how males attract their mates. They find a home and sing. Morning after morning this little guy sang and morning after morning he was rejected. My friend noticed that other males were joined by females in her other bird houses. But, not this little guy. The house was too flamboyant for the other birds. They set up house and started their families, and this little guy stood alone by his fancy house.

His singing was relentless. She could hear it throughout her house and made it part of her routine to sip coffee and watch him. There was something endearing about how different he was. She imagined his eccentricity and smiled as she recognized his tenacity.

Spring was well under way and the chances of this little guy finding a mate were dwindling. It would seem that the evolutionary process was going to snuff out the dreamers in exchange for the more predictable. It was a little heartbreaking because he was so determined in spite of the daily rejection.

One morning, my friend poured her coffee in silence. Maybe the little guy gave up. It had been weeks of singing the same love song next to the same peculiar house with no reward for his amazing find. She looked out the window, expecting to find the quest abandoned, but instead, found that he had company. They were making a nest together.

It’s a hard world for a dreamer. It’s the disease of the creative. You fear rejection, you’re afraid that nobody will want what you create, nobody will like your ideas, and nobody will like you. Sometimes your fear paralyzes you.  You try to be more average, but are still rejected. You try to use your wings, but end up falling on your face. It seems there is no spot for you. The mold doesn’t fit and you’re lonely in the potential that only you seem to be able to see.

Don’t let the difficulty keep you from starting every day as if it were brand new. Maybe this is the day that somebody hears your song and wants to be a part of it. This isn’t about finding a mate, though it could be. This is about being exactly who you are and not being paralyzed by people who don’t ‘get’ you.

You’re different and you have good ideas. And, yes, you have some not so good ideas, too. But, you could be the next game changer. You could be the one who brings color to a white canvas. Stop trying to make people like you. Create expressions of yourself and keep creating. Put yourself out there in all your potency. Maybe one day, people will look at your life’s art and say you were way ahead of your time.

painting by EarthArt

Four people can hear one story and have four different reactions. Out of the four reactions, there is only one that you want. The story about the farmer is the story about the reactions. It’s the answer to the questions about why some people believe and why some people don’t.

 ”…As he scattered the seed, some of it fell on the road, and birds ate it. …”

The first one will hear you through, but what you’re saying won’t connect with them. Like the non-believing friend of the believer, it’s the one thing about them that they don’t really understand. All of the life-saving information is sitting right there, but nothing comes out from the depths to take it home.

“When anyone hears news of the kingdom and doesn’t take it in, it just remains on the surface, and so the Evil One comes along and plucks it right out of that person’s heart. This is the seed the farmer scatters on the road.” -Matthew 13:19

“…Some fell in the gravel; it sprouted quickly but didn’t put down roots, so when the sun came up it withered just as quickly. …” 

Beware of the active listener who nods before you speak. They’ll sign up for anything because they’re already writing before the pen is in their hand. They’re indecisive and deeply fearful, but they’ll make decisions without hearing it through and sign their name without reading. As soon as you walk away, the challenges they blindly agreed to will sit them back down.

“The seed cast in the gravel—this is the person who hears and instantly responds with enthusiasm. But there is no soil of character, and so when the emotions wear off and some difficulty arrives, there is nothing to show for it.” -Matthew 13:20-21

“…Some fell in the weeds; as it came up, it was strangled by the weeds. …” 

The gospel is not easy to take in. Even among church goers, the desire to be liked and immediately rewarded drowns out the Truth. People can accept parts and reject other parts until they are a hodgepodge of too much information to sound ignorant and too little information to  actually know what they’re talking about. The human desire to be socially approved chokes out the Truth within them. They no longer trust the Gospel, they trust their ability to understand the Gospel.

“The seed cast in the weeds is the person who hears the kingdom news, but weeds of worry and illusions about getting more and wanting everything under the sun strangle what was heard, and nothing comes of it.” -Matthew 13:22

“…Some fell on good earth, and produced a harvest beyond his wildest dreams (Mat 13:8).” 

Good earth has been emptied, ripped up, and raked. Most of the rocks have been removed and weeds have been destroyed. The rocks are the lack of connection with the spiritual side of life and the weeds are the need for approval.

This is why I am a grace writer: I am convinced that grace is found in failure. Failure cuts you so deeply that it exposes your spirit. Failure causes you to lose public approval. Both of these things make a person’s life “good earth”. I read something recently that says “grace allows you to see the purpose of the failure.”

You don’t have the Gospel if you don’t have redemption. You are only believing part of it if you don’t believe that God will go the extremes to save people. Rocks and weeds.

“The seed cast on good earth is the person who hears and takes in the News, and then produces a harvest beyond his wildest dreams.”-Matthew 13:23

The thing that breaks up unity is dishonesty. Dishonesty isolates people because only one person can fit behind one mask at a time. Even people with masks try to find connection. Sometimes they forget they’re wearing a mask until they need something real. Then they’re afraid to take it off because they’ll lose their ‘friends’. They feel trapped by the fact that they’ll have to suffer loss to gain what they’re really after.

Have you ever reached that place where hope hurts because you’ve been let down too many times? We don’t need help being realistic. The pressure is on, the stress is real, and the ache for a breakthrough steals the trinket happiness that has been getting you by.

God knows how to find you and He knows when to speak.

Your purpose in this life is to be ‘one’ with the Father. It’s the way the world knows that He sent Jesus. Your purpose is to be ‘one’ with each other. It’s the way the whole world knows that He loves them (John 17:20-23). Everything you go through, every prayer you pray…it’s for the purpose of bringing further in to Him and to each other. Your relationship with Him is the kind of ‘want’ that wants more. You go after Him and He goes after you. It’s the constant tug of trying to get to each other. It’s passionate.

Any action you take should be in response to that Love. Too many of the actions we take are to get that Love.

He’s jealous (Exodus 20:5). He doesn’t want you spending too much time working, even if you’re working for Him. He gets jealous if you give more of your time to something or someone else than you do to Him. He knows you’ve forgotten your True Love when you think you have to earn it.

So, He lets pressure get thick and the hope hurt so that you stop trying and let Him find you. Like a child lost in the store, you’re looking in all the wrong places. You’re His child. Call out to Him if you can’t see Him. Let Him be the adult. His ears are trained on you.

The child calls out and the Father answers, “I’m right here.”

Relief. “I thought you left me.”

“I would never leave you (Hebrews 13:5).”

God is not concerned about our plans; He doesn’t ask, “Do you want to go through this loss of a loved one, this difficulty, or this defeat?” No, He allows these things for His own purpose. -Oswald Chambers

God is not cruel. He doesn’t let you hurt just to see how much you can take. It’s that belief that is keeping you from knowing His love. You don’t just believe He loves you. You know it.

We are one. Life is lonely when you forget that.

Something you have to remember is that your life isn’t your own. You can’t hold on to your plans so tightly. I know it’s hard because we’re dreamers. Just line your dreams up with His. It goes beyond you. His dreams are for the whole world and what you’re going through is necessary for that. The pressure and stress is to reveal your insufficiency so you’re forced to come out from behind your mask.

I would go back in time and take her place if I could. I’m crying as I write this because even though you don’t have a clue what I’m saying, I do. I know what happened to her. And I can’t believe that people are expected to survive after that. If I’m being honest with myself, I think I can only say I would take her place since I know that it’s impossible. Maybe I’m a coward. But, I don’t know. I love her like she’s mine…

Back to her survival… She’s buried herself. She hides behind a lifestyle, she hides behind her jokes, and she hides behind her weight. I wish they made shovels for those kinds of barriers. I wish you could make people forget. I wish there was a pill for getting rid of physical reminders of childhood trauma.

I wish I had a gun and a time machine.

I can’t convince her that she’s not dirty. She doesn’t believe that God wants to rescue the little girl inside her because that little girl grew up to be someone who is tainted. In burying herself, she got tangled and can’t get out. Believing in grace is the only thing that can give her a chance and I can’t make her believe.

The only thing I can do is witness her. I cry for her and she comforts me. This dance of feeling is my role and denial is hers. I wish she would cry. I wish she would scream and cuss and spit. But that requires unearthing the little girl and she doesn’t know how. I think she’s afraid that she would be consumed by her like the dead feasting on what’s left of the living.

I’ve written my whole life. It’s only since my big fall that I started letting the public read what I write. Sometimes I write for you and sometimes I write for me. My friend showed me a poem I wrote for her in 2003. This was when my writing was still private. It was my way of telling her that I can see her. I forgot about this poem and it means a lot that she has kept it this whole time.

I wanted to share it with you. I think I just want someone out there, someone like my friend, to know that you’re not alone and that the little girl inside you will not go away because she wants to be free. She wants to be untangled. She wants to be rescued.

Little girl
your shiny curls
and sprinkles of freckles

your laugh rolls
it rolls and it bubbles

but your windows
                   your eyes
they show the glare of your pain

no matter how deep you smile
no matter how long you laugh

your eyes
                 your windows
they give you away.

“The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.

The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because he was angry. … He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet. The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy, with great bolts of lightning he routed them. …

He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”- excerpts from Psalm 18:4-19

These are the times when we need an angry God.

The pastor was great and his wife was beautiful. I was drawn to her because I could tell she was a city girl at heart, too. They had two kids, a rambunctious red-headed little boy and a little girl that took after her mom. In small town churches, the other adults have no problem disciplining other people’s kids. I was either sneaky enough, scared enough, or too old to get into much trouble, but the pastor’s son seemed to get in trouble a lot. It wasn’t that he was doing anything really wrong, it was that he was a little boy with an entire church that must have felt like it was an extension of his house.

I would watch people correct him, over and over, and I always felt bad for him. If my dad knew that some other adult had to discipline me, I would be in so much trouble… Someone would tell him to settle down and my head would snap up to search his mother’s face. I would see her give him a stern look. But when the other adult felt like their duty had been done and turned their attention elsewhere, I would see her smile at him. Almost to say, “You’re okay.” She had that ‘mother’ smile. The kind that is drenched with love. I watched his tension soften and his mouth curve up. He got the message. Both of them.

Parent’s know why their kids do the things they do. Maybe the rambunctious red-head had been at the church all day while his parents worked and maybe he was tired or bored. A parent knows when their child is being defiant and when they need to be given some room to squirm.

Only a person who really knows you and loves you should be the one to discipline you. We all need it from time to time, but not from everyone, and not for every little thing. We’re people who, sometimes, need the room to squirm. Only a person who loves you unconditionally should be allowed to correct you. Otherwise, the threat of being unloved overshadows the correction. Everybody needs someone who can catch your eye and let you know that you’re going to be okay.

People thrive under the safety and security of unconditional love. Ask any psychologist and they’ll tell you that many of the disorders they treat are from people who did not have someone who loved them unconditionally. One huge way a church family can combat the pain and disruptive behavior of the people all around them is to make sure that they know that God loves them unconditionally. If the collective church is the Body of Christ, then the individuals must be able to love people unconditionally. That is the only setting in which any kind of discipline will work.

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” -Hebrews 12:5-6

That’s the epitome of the stern look and the smile.

When a person loves you, they can correct you and soothe you at the same time. You can get the stern look, not to be taken lightly. Then you can see that smile, so you’re not drained empty. You’ll get both messages.

Unless you’re deliberately cruel, you wouldn’t discipline someone you didn’t plan to be around, you would just bully him until you got rid of them.

“You can’t discipline me if you don’t love me. If you don’t love me, then your discipline is not from God, because He loves me.”

Now the rambunctious little boy is the worship leader of a huge Pentecostal church in a bigger town and the beautiful daughter has made three more just like her.

Correction stings, but if you lower your head, you’ll miss the smile that tells you, “You’re okay.” You won’t know that you’re drenched in Love.

A desperate morning.
Her hands smell of spices.
Hair in wild tangles that the sun shines through.
The girl’s forgotten all that used to be true.

She’s the quiet beauty
whose love matched forgiveness.
Sunday morning crying amidst garden’s bloom.
She’s the one who came to find his empty tomb.

“Whom are you seeking?” (John 20:15)

Gardener is asking
So maybe he will know.
Maybe he took him, since the tomb’s not his own.
Too strong to be weak, she will carry him home.

But this part’s what gets me
It’s when she really knows
That all she was seeking and had were the same.
She discovered the truth when He said her name.

“Mary.” (John 20:16) the period

“Rabboni!” (John 20:16) the exclamation

He knows your name, Broken and Spent. It rolls on His tongue, Tears Still Wet. He whispers His love, though you’ve given yourself away. He wants you back, little Astray.

He wants you back.

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness… -2 Peter 1:3

You have promises that you can count on. First, that you have been given what you need to be who you’re supposed to be and, second, that you have been given an open door to eternal life. You already know that you can’t earn it with your actions. If you can’t earn it with your actions, then you can’t cancel it with your actions. You are in with your belief and you are out with your disbelief.

You are chosen and marked for life. For life.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. -2 Peter 1:5-7

It is a result of faith that you are moral, you gain knowledge, you practice self-control, you stand firm, you’re godly, you are warm toward people, and you trade your judgment in for tolerance.

• do your best
• learn
• be mature
• don’t be a people pleaser
• be spiritual
• be warm toward people
• give them a chance to become something better

You don’t have to be a Christian to be able to do all of those things. They are the qualities of someone you want to be around. I know plenty of non-christians who are better at this stuff than I am.

The difference is your faith. It’s belief that can make the immoral, immature, erratic, unspiritual, mean, intolerant person rethink their outlook and line themselves up with grace. Faith makes a person so full of grace that these qualities spill out of them.

Whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. -2 Peter 1:9

When you remember that you are completely clean and your failures are no longer the core of who you are, then you are free to live like someone with a different core. When you don’t have to defend yourself anymore, you can open yourself up to those who know your worst and give them a chance to learn from their own disbelief and forgetfulness. Have you ever considered that that’s why you’re in their life? You can walk tall in grace, out in the open with warmth and compassion and without fear of being eternally rejected.

Teach, write, speak, sing, or whatever is burning inside you. Stand tall and know that you’re not standing alone. Be warm and kind. Be tolerant of people who are at a different stage of becoming. It’ll all come around.

Be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.-2 Peter 1:10

How do you know that you need Jesus?

I wrote on a friend’s blog a couple of years ago and a comment has stuck with me this entire time. I thought it was ugly, it was hurtful, and the commenter’s mentality still bothers me. I didn’t speak up enough in response and that’s probably why it’s still with me. I was a guest writer in a series about guarding your marriage from an affair. I was the voice of the one who had done the unthinkable. I wrote about how I was able to have an affair and what I learned about boundaries between men and women. I also gave several tips about how to recognize when you’re on the path before you go too far. I thought this information would be eye opening mainly because I’m just like you. I’m not a dirty woman who carries no regard for the sanctity of marriage, but I was naive and learned something that I think can help people avoid my path. The commenter told me that I was the last person she wanted to hear from on this subject. She said that it was like hearing how to be a good parent from someone who drowned their children. She said that she wanted to hear from a woman who had been happily married for decades so she could glean her tips. I was paralyzed from the sting of disregard and I’ve been mad at myself since.

The thing is, a woman who had drowned her children can tell you her symptoms before she did the unthinkable and those who have similar symptoms would be able to be sufficiently scared enough to seek help before they temper the bath water. Nobody thinks they could do something like that and few think they would actually carry out an affair.

Someone who is distracted by feeling alive again doesn’t realize that they’re losing pieces of their loyalty. They won’t identify with a woman who has never felt her heart shift direction.

Along with that, I have been challenged by people who have never faced real adversity in their lives. They grew up in great families, have great lives, and haven’t done anything really …wrong.

It’s hard for me to keep myself from feeling like they don’t have a clue. They don’t know pain, they haven’t seen their worst, and they haven’t really suffered for anything. How can they know a Savior if they’ve never needed to be rescued?

This is my struggle. I struggle with it because I don’t understand how someone can come to terms with the depth of Jesus sacrifice if they haven’t known, without question, that it was the only thing severe enough to actually stand a chance of being sufficient punishment for their own sins.

Like an animal who writhes and convulses before death. I writhed before I believed. I don’t understand people who have never writhed.

I read a blog recently that talked about the other side of self-rightiousness. The gist was that people who, like me, believe that they understand grace more than those who haven’t been rescued as dramatically as them can be another form of ‘self-rightious’. ‘Self-rightious’ because we think other believers don’t get it. Even to the point of wondering if a person can really be ‘saved’ if they don’t understand grace. I have often wondered if I was really ‘saved’ before my big sin. That would mean that for nine years I thought I was a Christian when I was actually someone who altered my lifestyle to align with the Christian tradition. I don’t have that answer. I thought I was, but in retrospect with the ability to compare, I have serious doubts. I was a new type of person before, but I have no doubt that I am a new creation after.

If I am right, and I’m not saying I am, then how many other people are just great people who live by the Christian standards, but don’t really know Jesus as a redeemer? Redeemed from what? Don’t you need to know to really know?

Going back to the blog about self-rightiousness: I think a person is self-rightious when they think they have something that others don’t and they hold that over the other’s heads. I don’t think a person is self-rightious if they think they know something that others don’t and they try to spread the word so everyone can know it, too. You can recognize that someone isn’t living in freedom and want that for them enough to keep talking about it.

How do you know that you really need Jesus?

A young man asked Jesus, “Teacher, what good deed must I do tohave eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments.”

 “Which ones?”  

“You shall not murder, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

“All these I have kept. What do I still lack?”

“If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” 

When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

And Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly, I say to you, only with difficulty will a rich person enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.” -taken from Matthew 19:16-24

I don’t think that passage is just about material wealth. I think it’s about security. I think it’s about not really having a struggle. I think it’s about a really good person with a really good heart, but no real need.

It’s easy for people like me. I want no part of myself because I’ve seen who I really am. I live only for Him, otherwise, I need to be snuffed out.

Jesus said it was harder for them to enter the Kingdom of God and I think it’s because they have to let go of all the good things that they feel they’ve been ‘blessed’ with because it reveals what’s really there. What’s left when all your ‘blessings’ and ease of character are gone? It’s hard to see your need when life doesn’t really give you one. You enter the Kingdom of God by letting go of everything you have to offer, everything you’ve been given, and everything you are. If you have no reason to let that go, then it’s really, really hard for you.

If there is/was nothing missing in your life, if you’ve never reached the magnitude of Jesus sacrifice with your depravity, then how do/did you know you need(ed) Jesus? How do you really know your rescuer?

All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. -2 Corinthians 5:18-20

We have one assignment. That assignment is to spread the message of reconciliation. You can’t do this if you are unable to reconcile with another person. I’ll never understand how two people can have nothing to do with each other, but both claim to be serving the same God.

Forgiveness is not about being okay with what someone has done to you. It’s about being okay with letting God take care of you the way He sees fit. Especially when He tells you that He works everything out for your good.

Forgiveness isn’t an emotion, it’s an act of faith. Taking matters into your own hands, refusing to let someone move forward after they fall, is you settling for something much cheaper than reconciliation. You don’t have the luxury of making people pay, anyway. God does and He did, and you can look at the scars on His Son’s body for the proof.

They crossed my line of vision as they walked down the sidewalk. He was young and a bit on the small side. His mechanic’s uniform was too blousy and new to have any street credit yet. Holding his hand was his young wife. She walked slightly taller and thicker than him. She was dressed a too hot for eighty-four degrees, like she worked in an office that was too cold and didn’t get a lot of business. They were just another couple grabbing an afternoon vacation, trying to feel a little human before they have to go back to jobs that just get them by.

I saw them walk in like they had never been here before. I was twisting my lemon slice into my water. I never can get all the juice out without getting it all over my hands. I don’t like to leave the lemon in my glass because I’m not sure how clean it is. If they slice the lemon too thin, it just gets mutilated and I need two or three to really give my water a little lemon bite. I sat smashing lemon bits against the bottom of my glass with my straw while the couple held my attention. It didn’t help that they were at my two o’clock, but there was something about the guy’s body language that made me watch.

He was looking around more with his eyes than with his head, like he didn’t want to be noticed, like he was feeling ‘less-than’. He was holding his own hands, now, and not hers. They were barely breathing, neither said a word. It was like they both felt they didn’t belong but wanted to see what would happen if they walked in. I think the door shutting behind them sealed their presence too tightly and he looked like he wanted to run. He had a dejected look from the moment they walked in, like he was expecting rejection, but he still stood there too afraid to move or make his presence known, but he held his head up. I liked their bravery, even though it wasn’t necessary.

Not a single person in there noticed them but me, and they became a piece of art while I listened to the sounds of glasses hitting wooden tables and forks scraping against ceramic. The low murmur of conversation wasn’t aware of the invisible battle of self-worth that followed them like dust from their road. Only two people were working in the front of the restaurant and both of them were waiters. They sat people as they came in, then waited on them once they were seated. Both were in the back when the couple came in.

The couple gave the world less than two minutes to undo a lifetime of struggle before they turned around and left. They walked in expecting to not fit in and I watched them fulfill their own prophecy. And I wondered, how many times have I done that?

They crossed my line of vision in reverse. A mechanic and his wife holding hands and walking without words. Both heavy with the rejection they brought with them.