There is no clarion call. No insistence. No dinner bell. No ultimatum.

There is simply an open door. A constant, unconditional welcome. The promise of never being cast away, no matter how much time I spend away.

My shrine cabinet is covered in dust, my tools in need of repurification. But I can always open that cabinet and look upon Their faces, my Netjeru, my family.

They do not accuse. They do not guilt or shame. They will wait without reproach until my next prayer, my next senut, my next offering.

All this jumbled worry is generated and perpetuated by me, not Them. I project human expectations and limitations on Them, then have to remind myself that They are gods. They judge me by how closely I follow ma’at, not by tallying my appearances in shrine. I may be able to disappoint Them, but it will surely take more than a little dust to do so.

It has been six and a half years since I was divined a child of Nebt-het and Hethert-Nut. I know that other Kemetics, other children of other Netjeru, have vastly different and varied relationships with their Parent(s). I have wished, many times, that my Mothers would be more demanding of me. I would like some direction, some request, something to motivate and spur me on.

But that’s not how my Mothers are with me. They are love and support and patience, holding the space and sparking ideas, always willing to walk with me but never controlling my direction. Any pressure I feel is mine; any guilt I feel is mine; any path I choose is mine.

This is a festival day for Nebt-het, my Mother. I bring Her fruit and drink, water and flame, smoke and song. I bring Her my presence and attention, my work within ma’at, and all the love I have to give.

The cabinet is open. There is no dust.

Dua Nebt-het!

. . .

Iwy em hotep, Netjer, Netjeru, and akhu!
I welcome in peace all the many manifestations of Netjer:
Dua Ma’at, goddess a thousand times pure, bread of the gods;
Dua Nebt-het, graceful and silent Lady of Shadows Who holds the space for grief;
Dua Hethert-Nut, vast and beautiful Celestial Cow Who lifts the sun high and shines with stars;
Dua Ma’ahes, Executioner Who walks the horizon at sunset between light and shadow;
Dua Serqet, Our Lady of Poisons Who protects and heals and knows all alchemy;
Dua Sekhmet, vengeful Eye of Ra Who establishes Ma’at and does not bow;
Dua Wepwawet, liminal black jackal Who opens the way for every journey;
Dua Wadjet, green-tressed cobra Who bridges Netjer and Kemet for our great benefit;
Dua Sepa, eternal centipede Who never tires and never thirsts;
Dua Ptah, great Maker with words and hands Who spoke Creation into being;
Dua Bast, impossibly fractal feline Whose gaze is both sun and moon;
Dua Set, He Who is loudest and strongest, Who brings necessary chaos;
Dua Heqat, ancient grandmother Who sings with eightfold patient voices;
Dua Twtw, apotropaic sphinx Who walks with demons and defends us from them;
Dua Shu, Lord of the Breath of the World Who upholds the heavens;
Dua Tefnut, Lady of the Rain Who kisses the earth with life-giving moisture;
Dua Menhyt, white-clad starry lioness wreathed in pale cold flame;
Dua Hethert, Lady of Gold Who gives us joy and music and rapture;
Dua Nut, infinite goddess of the sky Who is the great sow;
Dua Yinepu, youthful and ancient jackal Who is wise beyond all years;
Dua Khonsu, precocious child-god and protective Lord of the Knife;
Dua Djehuty, clever and cunning scribe at the right hand of the Father;
Dua Wesir, You Who sacrificed what no one else could to do what no one else did;
Dua Anhur, Who brings back that which has strayed, smiling with each new lope;
Dua Khepera, beetle-faced Lord of Dawn Who rolls the holy sun across the sky;
Dua Heh, Who steadies the legs of the Night Cow so She may stand forever;
Dua Renenutet, milk-giving cobra Who protects the fields from devastation;
Dua Heru-wer, golden warrior Who smites isfet and bestows greatness upon all;
Dua Aset, magician Who protects and promotes Her children above all others;
Dua Heru-sa-Aset, young king Who sits upon His father’s throne and brings peace;
Dua Sobek, mighty crocodile Who drowns isfet in His river;
Dua Ra, sun-father Who sits upon His daughter’s brow and watches over all the earth;
Dua Geb, Lord of the Fertile Earth Who is the foundation of all green things;
Dua Heka, Who speaks and turns the world with His words;
Dua Nit, archer and weaver, the Great He-She Who created Creation;
Dua Anupet, jackal bitch of the knives and fangs and sharp bright eyes;
Dua Raet, mighty Lady of the Sun Who brightens and protects all She touches;
Dua Bat, ancient cow Who delights in music and Who wears five stars;
Dua Mekhit, Whose rage is joyous, Who defends the sun and the moon;
Dua Wadj-wer, round god of the wide waters Who brings abundance;
Dua Aker, mighty two-faced lion Who guards the entrance to and exit from the Duat;
Dua Anuket, most beautiful of goddesses Who is as swift and lithe as Her gazelles;
Dua Nehebkau, prominent in the palace, Who comes from the city, multitudinous of coils;
Dua Amunet, mysterious and hidden goddess Who is ungraspable and powerful;
Dua Seshat, Lady of Builders Who measures out every year for every person;
Dua the Four Sons of Heru: cooling Qebshenef, kindly Imset, edifying Duamutef, fleet Hapy;
Dua Hapi, most beloved god Who brings the inundation and bestows life each year;
Dua Iah, gleaming Eye of the moon Whose face is silver and ever-changing;
Dua Ihy, joyful calf Who makes ecstatic music for His mother Hethert;
Dua Khnum, Whose deft hands poured the world and all its people into shape;
Dua Mehet-Weret, the Great Flood Who brings fertility and abundance;
Dua Menhuy, falcon-headed Slaughterer Whose form is hidden;
Dua Nebtu, green-clad goddess Who nourishes the plants with which we sustain ourselves;
Dua Neper, god of all grains, Who feeds Netjeru and humans alike with His essence;
Dua Tasenetnofret, the Good Wife, Who is surrounded by all colors and beautiful things;
Dua Atum, the Complete One, Who expels poisons and is gladdened by flowers;
Dua Heru-Ma’ahes, Who is the sun between midday and setting;
Dua Merit, beloved goddess for Whom all music is played;
Dua Wesret, powerful serpent, She Who Burns, sharp and vehement;
Dua Amun-Ra, Great Lord Who is hidden in His brightness;
Dua Nekhbet, vulture mother Who watches over the lands with Wadjet;
Dua Mafdet, sharp of claw, snake-slayer, fierce Eye of Ra;
Dua Bes, kindly dwarf, grotesque of face Who protects every house from isfet;
Dua Nefertem, gentle lion Who brings perfumes and oils to all;
Dua Meretseger, fierce goddess of the great peak Who loves silence;
and dua akhu, blessed dead who shine as stars in the wide belly of the sky!
Iwy em hotep, iwy em hotep, iwy em hotep, iwy em hotep!
Join us as we seek to create and uphold ma’at in all things.
May You love us as we love You.

As an exercise in sharing–and NOT an implication that my offerings are The Only Right Offerings™–I’m listing some of my primary go-tos (and don’t-dos) here. Remember: what I do has no reflection on what you do, and I don’t compare what I offer to what others offer. Our tastes as Kemetics, and what we can find and afford as humans, vary greatly. I respect that diversity and realize that not everyone has the same privilege to acquire “nice” offerings as others do.

Everyone

My go-to offerings are cool water, tea, fresh bread if I’ve made some, fresh fruit, and “healthy” little treats like baked coconut chips, dried fruit, tiny chocolates (Andes mints, cherry cordials, chocolate oranges), nuts/trailmix, and some good jerky. Sometimes we get silly and I’ll bring in fruit gummies, Little Debbie’s pastries, and other “junk food” that I can get away with on occasion.

I avoid offering things I can’t or won’t revert: nearly all alcohol, coffee, dark chocolate, soda. (My body is particular about what it wants to digest, so I try not to tax it or waste offerings by not reverting them.)

Nebt-het (Nephthys)

In my experience, Nebt-het really likes blackberry-type drinks and dark chocolates. I’ve given Her blackberry wine when it’s a special occasion, or blackberry tea, or even blackberry Crystal Lite powdered drinks. Dark chocolate is a special treat (that I don’t revert; I don’t like dark chocolate), and She’ll accept a few other kinds of chocolate that I tend to have on-hand more often. She’s also pretty good with fresh fruit like grapes or berries.

I don’t offer Her “bright” food, like citrus, white chocolate, milk, etc.

Hethert-Nut (Hathor the Celestial Cow)

Hethert-Nut is an indulgent sort, and She loves rich things. Chocolate? Oh yes. Fruit? Yep. Fresh bread? Definitely. Any manner of flavorful, rich-to-sweet drinks? Offer ’em up! She also loves flowers and shiny objects.

I don’t offer Her citrus either, though She’ll go for white chocolate, milk, etc. She also doesn’t seem to prefer meat-heavy offerings or really savory treats.

Ma’ahes (Mihos)

Ma’ahes doesn’t often accept food offerings from me. He’ll accept orange-to-red tea most of the time, though, and has accepted chocolate orange slices and some meat offerings (usually venison jerky).

I don’t offer Ma’ahes a lot of overly sweet things; I tend to err on the side of spicy or savory. He’s not normally a fan of candies, though He’s accepting of fruit sometimes.

Serqet (Selkis)

Serqet is REALLY SPECIFIC with Her offerings with me. She likes rich dairy things, like smoothies and milkshakes, and white chocolate, and banana, and decadent soft pastries. Cheesecake, white cake, bread, angel food cake, pound cake–all of it’s good by Her. She’ll accept really light tea, but usually laughs it off unless it’s a bit astringent.

I don’t offer Her particularly meaty things or things with sugar and not much substance (like candies and some crisp pastries). I also don’t offer Her a lot of “dark” sweets, like regular chocolate.

Sekhmet

Sekhmet usually has better things to do than critique my offerings, but all the same, I tend to offer a pretty narrow range. I’ve offered Her steak (beef or venison) before, as well as good jerky. I’ve offered Her red wine, red velvet malt, and deep red tea. She’ll usually tolerate chocolates or breads or fruits, though She especially likes cherry cordials. (Of course–it bleeds when you bite it!)

I try to avoid most sweets with Her, and She definitely prefers more intensely flavored drinks than ones I can normally offer and revert. She’s not fond of basically anything that’s bland.

Wepwawet

Wepwawet won’t accept food offerings from me. At all. But He’ll accept a particular strong “breakfast” tea, which is our shared Jqltea. (He would prefer coffee, but I don’t drink coffee. This is as close as I can get.)

As for avoiding, He doesn’t like weak or light tea. Also He apparently hates all food. *cough*

Sepa

The first and foremost thing I offer Sepa is water. Next up is meat (usually spiced jerky) or something heavy, savory, and protein-based. My second food choice is whatever good cheese we might have on-hand. (Read: string cheese. Sorry, Sepa.) Last but not least, fresh heavy bread.

I pointedly don’t offer Him fruits or sweets, though I suspect He’d probably be cordial about accepting if that’s all I had.

Bast

Bast gets chocolate. All of the chocolate. She can have a hoard of chocolate with Hethert-Nut, and they can be the Queens of Cacao. Cherry cordials are a hit with Her, as is mint chocolate, and … okay, all the chocolate. She’s also receptive to fruits and breads, and she likes flowers.

…I am a little hard-pressed to think of an offering She’s disliked or asked me to avoid, actually. I think maybe citrus is not Her favorite? But that’s the only thing that comes to mind.

Set

Set gets Slim Jims. (Don’t judge me.) He also gets steak, good jerky, and the occasional offering of bread.

I avoid offering Him red tea; He laughs it off. I also don’t give Him a lot of fruits or sweets.

What do you offer your gods?

These are morning prayers; I usually say them on my commute into work.

Good morning, Netjer, Netjeru, and akhu.
Thank You for all good things of yesterday,
for the wonderful souls I’ve been blessed to know,
and the Zep Tepi of each new day.

Thank Nebt-het for compassion and grace,
Hethert-Nut for joy and creativity,
Ma’ahes for strength and affection,
Serqet for guidance and protection,
Sekhmet for will and rightful action,
Wepwawet for journeys and options,
Bast for light and loved ones,
and thank my akhu for family and life.

I offer to You a thousand of all good and pure things:
a thousand of bread, a thousand of beer, a thousand of water.

May today be positive and productive.
May I walk with Ma’at in compassion, peace, strength, and joy.
May my moods, attitude, and energy levels
be positive and pure, resilient and sufficient.
May I and my loved ones be free of pain, injury, and illness,
this and every day.

[silent freeform prayers]

Today is good. Kheperu. Dua Netjer!

…you know, it seems much longer when I write it out like this.

A few (okay, a lot of) notes on why I chose specific things to include:

I greet Netjer (the One), Netjeru (the Many), and akhu (the Shiny–er, I mean, the blessed dead) each. I try very hard not to leave my akhu out of things, because I tend to get gods-focused and my akhu are really awesome.

I say “wonderful souls” instead of “wonderful people” or similar because I’ve been very grateful to know a wide variety of wonderful entities, from human people to animal people to animals, from gods to akhu to netjeri and spirits. Not all of them would be considered “people,” but I consider them all to have souls. ♥

The list of deities is mostly unsurprising, I think, and I thank Them each for Their gifts and the traits I strive to embody that I attribute to Them or Their influence in my life. Nebt-het and Hethert-Nut are my Mothers; Ma’ahes, Serqet, and Wepwawet are my Beloveds. Sekhmet is my Other, to Whom I’ve been devoted for over a decade now. Bast recently got added to my personal deities because She seems present during those mornings as sunlight lioness, and since She’s a Mother or otherwise important goddess to literally most of my closest people, I figure it would be good to say hello to Her, too. (Also, my partner commutes with me sometimes, and they are an unofficial Bastling, and it fit.)

The verbal offering is, in large part, to make up for my lack of physical shrine time over the past couple years. I personally prefer giving physical offerings, but verbal offerings are acceptable and far better than nothing at all.

The “May…” prayers are very specific to my personal needs. You can tell the kind of person I am by the first three lines, quite honestly–they include most of my primary values and how I want to be each day. Depression and fatigue and anxiety make the third line about “moods, attitude, and energy levels” kind of necessary.

My freeform prayers tend to include statements of gratitude and requests for specific help or protection, as well as silly “ILU NETJER” statements. Sometimes I talk to Them a bit about what I hope to accomplish that day. It’s generally a one-way communication–it’s hard for me to listen super-well for feedback while navigating morning rush hour in Dallas. Sometimes, though, I will get visual impressions or ideas that come very quickly and clearly (and usually from left field).

Lastly, I finish with a heka statement and a dua. All but the freeform parts are said aloud, and when I’m alone in the car, I usually say the freeform parts aloud, too.

It’s interesting (to me) to see how my prayers have evolved over the years. They used to be much simpler, and there used to be an evening/good night version. Now, however, they’re so firmly memorized that an interruption will make me nearly start all over, because the rhythm was lost. (“You threw off my groove!” “I’m sorry, you’ve thrown off the Kemetic’s groove…”)

Do you have any regular prayers that you use in your devotion, either daily or in shrine or just when you need them?

Do you not understand how much you are loved?

This is the first sentence to my favorite part of the oracle, and the paragraph that resonates most deeply with me each time I read it. This is a reminder to those who have forgotten they’re loved–and a challenge to those who will not or cannot believe they’re loved. This is the fierce love of Netjer, the insistent love, the love that exists whether or not it is acknowledged or accepted. This is the love that our prayers call on, the love that shelters and soothes even when it is invisible to every eye.

Creation is the love of the creators for the created.

When I was but a wee little Wiccan, one of my favorite modern-born creation ideas was that Divinity created the universe and everything in it in order to experience creation, to experience life. The associated idea was that we are all God and Goddess, because we are all little pieces of the huge infinity of Divinity, experiencing life on behalf of the universe itself.

This line reminds me of that idea. This line makes me think of Netjer, Who loves so powerfully that creation came about just to house and embody that love. Love is the hand holding the cookie cutter, that presses unique shapes out of something homogenous and flat. We are all alive in order to experience love, in order to receive love, in ways that are just slightly different and wonderful in that diversity.

See to it that love continues. It is left to you to tend this work. We cannot do it for you alone. You too must serve.

You too must serve.

One of the reasons I love Kemeticism is because our gods are not all-powerful and all-knowing. Our gods are pretty big, but They are not infallible and omnipotent. They need us to help Them uphold ma’at and suppress isfet. This work that maintains the balance and rightness of all of creation is not something that only gods do; we do it, too, in our own myriad ways.

Likewise, this love that Netjer bears for us is not solely for Them to give. They can’t do everything for us; it’s a relationship, not divine servitude. We have to do the work, too. We have to open our hands, open our hearts, and extend love to one another. We have to reach out and form community, family, tribe. We have to hold the space for each other and make it safe so we can be vulnerable and real and raw with each other.

And this is important to me in particular: Just as Netjer can’t do it all for us, so we cannot do everything for each other. Each of us participates. Each of us chooses to be here, a choice that most of us make again and again from moment to moment. I cannot live for anyone else, and I cannot expect anyone – human or god – to live my life for me. It’s mine. I give ma’at and receive ma’at. I give support and receive support. I give love and receive love.

Open yourselves, open your hearts, and accept the help that others will give. None of you are alone.

T3h 3v1l!

Annnnnd… SMITE!

J00 are smited, 3V1LS!

3V1L! Now with extra SMITE!

Tasty tasty smiteberries.

The previous year, Heru-sa-Aset’s year, was spiritually not great for me. I did very very little in terms of shrine time, research, community fellowship, service, etc. I managed to keep saying my daily prayers, and that’s about it. I thought of my gods, and usually felt self-created pangs of guilt that I wasn’t doing almost anything for Them.

The year was similarly creatively fallow. I didn’t even participate in NaNoWriMo because I was traveling too much of the month. I don’t think I made any jewelry, probably didn’t do any paintings, and didn’t write any songs (I think). I managed some pen sketches and doodles that made me happy, but beyond that? Nada.

Secularly, though, it’s an entirely different story. Last year, I found a psychiatrist and started the very long road of figuring out the right meds to treat my debilitating depression. I changed and mended a very close relationship, and I started another new relationship, which also had a change-and-mend stage later in the year. I left a dysfunctional job and started working at the most accommodating, genuinely kind workplace I’ve ever experienced. I retired my beloved decade-old car and got a new baby who could take me on long roadtrips again. A local friend and I rescued 40+ snakes and rehomed all but 3 successfully. (I also got … significantly more snakes for my own household.)

It wasn’t all roses: we lost two of our cats, the youngest to cancer and the oldest to age. My self-care necessitated dropping basically all of my projects and sorely limited the time I could dedicate to other people, so many of my friends didn’t hear much from me. My health continued to suffer from depression and other crap, even with meds starting to help. And, of course, world news and social justice issues just exploded.

All in all, the year was turbulent but produced some really important and positive changes to my personal life.

Now I leave behind Heru-sa-Aset’s influence and welcome the child god energies of Khonsu and Yinepu. This year, I want to get some of my own light back. I want to get the meds optimized, so I’m not always so tired and so flat. I want to re-engage with my beloved Kemetic community, and I want to have the capacity to re-engage a little more with my local secular community, too. I want to pick up the pen and write more stories and more songs. I want to step back into shrine and keep the dust off my gods.

The oracle talked about love, about service, about doing the work and keeping an open heart. Nebt-het talked to me about service, too: service to Ma’at and my community. (And balance between service and self-care, because that too is ma’at.)

So that’s what I’m looking forward to. Gently and gradually picking up things I had to drop last year. Respecting the limitations of my current health, while not letting myself sink into total stillness. Reaching out and helping where I can, without breaking myself in the process.

It’ll be a good year. Kheperu. Dua Netjer!

Do you not understand how much you are loved? Creation was born of love. Creation is the love of the creators for the created. This love is in your being. This love will never leave you. This love must be protected at all costs. This love is the best of you. This love is your birthright and your promise. See to it that love continues. It is left to you to tend this work. We cannot do it for you alone. You too must serve.

It is not done. It is not lost. It is not gone. Look to the horizon. It has merely been forgotten in some places and left behind by others. Do not despair. Love is what we offer you and love is what you need. There is love in the light of the dawn and in the firing of every star. There is love in the sky and the sea and the tomb. There is love everlasting. Seek it with both hands open to receive. It is your gift in this year of light, this year of delight.

It is time for love.

Read the full Year 24 Aset Oracle here.

Dua Khonsu! Dua Yinepu!

The answer filtered through in feelings, not words. The kindness offered to stranger and friend alike. The patience when it is all too easy to be impatient. The willingness to stand up and address the tiny things that are wrong day to day – the judgment, the derogatory jokes, the bigotry, the fear-turning-to-anger-turning-to-hate.

This is everyday ma’at, these small acts, these few words. This is the ma’at that goes on to combat isfet and slowly shift the balance, drop by drop, grain by grain.

Gandalf has it right. Even though most of us don’t individually wield great power, we can together still make the vital difference.

My work is full of baby steps now, an inchworm’s efforts. I am still Kemetic, devoted to my gods, but my practice has shrunk down to a tether of daily morning prayers, which I say faithfully. I cleaned my shrine of dust, but have not sat before it yet. I light incense. I bring a flower that my partner gave me for offerings. I do not yet kneel and still my mind to listen. Receptivity is so hard for me right now.

But I reach out in small ways. If I cannot stand the boldness of the main hall, I can at least say hello to individuals as they enter or leave, so I am not alone. I can sit at my own table and welcome a few others to join me, in my own space, which is quieter and gentler, until I can manage to go back to the light and the bustle.

I offer my dinner, my tea. My breath and my love. It is not as much as I want to do, but it will suffice. My gods and my community are not disappointed in me; the only disappointment is my own, and that is an emotion I can work through.

I can feel my gods, my spirituality, calling.

And this feeling stretches beyond Kemeticism, beyond the burning sun and the painted sky, beyond the touch of light on stone and sand and silt. I can feel streams in loam under shadowing trees. I can feel moss and ferns and fallen leaves turning to wet mulch. I can feel cool breezes through a willow’s young boughs.

I have been pagan for longer than I often realize, and this sense of the world – this ability to sense the world – runs deep now. And as depression starts to lift, as I feel a little more human and a little more me, I can stretch out and remember what the rest of the world feels like.

It’s all an echo chamber, a familiar song that I have very much missed, and I find myself humming along. Sometimes off-key, sometimes forgetting the melody, but this lullaby will never be fully alien to me.

It’s hard for me to break the silence here. Like my physical shrine, this blog has gathered dust and has a thick quiet to it. But like my physical shrine, I can clean it. I can revive it.

And so I do. But first, a little glimpse of my mundane life.

I have experienced SAD (seasonal affective disorder) for well over a decade. I have been able to manage it through spirituality, through self-care, through food and bodywork, through animal therapy, and with my support network. I’ve also experienced varying degrees of social anxiety, which I’ve managed with the same tools (along with, admittedly, a high level of hibernation).

But a year and a half ago, things changed. My migraines had gotten to a frequency that necessitated preventative medication. I was put on a drug that worked brilliantly to knock them down from three times a week to maybe once a month.

Unfortunately, that drug was also used to treat bipolar by flattening out the manic spikes. It’s almost never prescribed without an antidepressant accompanying it, but I was only taking that drug for migraines.

I hit severe depression–clinical depression. The kind of stuff that isn’t ameliorated by sunlight and longer days. The kind of stuff that didn’t give a damn about my personal toolkit and all my self-care.

I didn’t recognize it at first, because my personal life was going through a lot of changes and challenges, too. My partner of seven years and I opened our relationship up when we became polyamorous; we started dating someone; my work was spiraling into a toxic environment with frightening speed. The learning curve for being openly, actively poly was harsh when it’d been years since either of us had been poly (and we’d never been poly together). Coupled with increasing depression, I nearly couldn’t cope.

I stopped taking the anti-migraine meds. My migraines returned, and I expected the depression to lift. I worked very hard to help it lift. And it didn’t change.

I made it to Wep Ronpet, our Kemetic new year, a solid year after I first took the anti-migraine meds. I threw myself into zep tepi with ferocity and a hint of desperation. I had six weeks of a reprieve, wherein which I started dating someone new, adjusted the prior S.O. relationship to something healthier for both of us, and fell in love with my gods again.

…and then the crash. NRE and force of will can only do so much, and depression came back with a vengeance. I got fired for the first time in my life. I was barely able to function; there were nights where I couldn’t manage to feed myself. My imagination constantly, involuntarily served up terrible imagery and terrible ideas. I couldn’t escape my own self-destructive brain, and my body suffered; my immune system faltered, and I got sick half a dozen time in half a year, hitherto unknown to me.

I clung to what helped me through and dropped absolutely everything else. I found a new job and was honest with my boss about my challenges with energy levels. I stopped kicking myself for being unable to do a single project–all I could manage was work, then falling over once I got home. My animals became my only hobby, and they were already my therapy. My partner picked up the slack without complaint.

I decided I had tried enough, worked my ass off enough, and burned myself out enough. What I could do by myself was insufficient. I needed help, and so I turned to a psychiatrist.

Brief tangent: There’s a lot of stigma around mental health and psych meds. I support an individual’s choice to decide if and when they want to try them, and I support education about how much of a process it is to try out different meds and different dosages until one finds what works for oneself. Brains are different; situations are different; meds are different. Meds should not be used as a magic pill, and there’s a lot of non-med work a person with depression and anxiety does to help the process along. Some people can get to a point of getting off meds again, or to the point of only needing them during particularly harsh times; some people need them long-term. There is no shame there. It’s no different than taking insulin for diabetes for the rest of your life or having a cast on a broken leg until it heals.

That said, it’s been five weeks since I started medication, and I’ve begun to experience a higher baseline energy and less frequent crashes. I’m at a strange, alien point where I can actually do things beyond survive–I can manage work, chores, animal care … and maybe a game. Maybe read a little. Maybe write a little, like I’m doing now.

It’s still a process, and will continue to be a process, as we adjust which meds I’m on and their dosages for the best possible effect and the lowest possible side effects.

But I’m getting better. And that feels amazing, given that I had begun to doubt my ability to hold down a job at all not that long ago.

This post is not a promise to resume blogging immediately; I’m still not at a point where I can reliably commit to a consistent anything. But I wanted to write it and share with you my situation, so that you know where I’ve been, and so that you know things are improving bit by bit.

And yet I walk forth, the touch of light
on my hand a familiar and welcome heat.
I know this geometry of bright and shadow,
tall walls and not-quite-straight path.

I would return to You, except
You never left me.
I would ask Your forgiveness, but
You never needed to give it.

The halls are the throat of a lion,
and here I belong, living
amidst the heka You speak
and the ma’at we breathe.

I am overjoyed to leave last year behind, to start anew with Zep Tepi. As part of that, and as part of the wisdom of planning my work before I work my plan, I wanted to make a post on my overall “resolutions” or goals for the year. Public accountability, in this case, is a great thing, and I encourage any of my readers, friends, and Kemetic family to call me out if you see me forget or fall short of my own goals.

In keeping with the power of four, I have organized myself in four sections, with four items in each.

I will do less of these things: fewer overwhelmingly social-and-busy weekends, fewer social events with a particular group of people that I like but inevitably leave me too stressed and anxious, fewer large projects, and less placing myself in the position of people-handler for the less-organized.

I will do more of these things: senut once a week, physical activity and exercise, fiction and blog writing (blog once a week), and work on my tiny Jamberry business.

I will maintain a baseline of these things: sleep (yes, I do have to list it, because I tend to deprioritize it), nutrition, tending the house, and tending/handling my snakes.

And, lastly, I will not devote consistent large chunks of time to these things (unless I am happily beset with sudden free time): art (including painting, woodburning, and doodling), music (from practicing to writing new songs), community service (yet!), and everything else that acts as a time-sink.

That last paragraph is the hardest for me; I hate saying no to things I love. But I am spread thin, I am low-spooned, and I need to focus on the core things that make me into a strong, healthy, happy person. No doubt I will still sporadically engage in things that are not in the second and third paragraphs, but my resolution is not to quit everything cold turkey, only to ration and limit the time I spend on side-projects in order to advance my primary goals.

The final, and perhaps most challenging, year goal is heka—not the heka of spells and rituals, but the heka of what I say in my head and in my mouth and in my hands. Depression is an insidious decay of speech patterns, and I will fight its deprecation and pessimism. I will endeavor to clean up my humor a little bit, speak more ma’at in conversations with others, and support a healthy self-image in my thoughts and deeds. I have spent nearly a year putting myself, my wants, my needs, and my health as the very last item on a very long list, and I am done with that. (It only took like a dozen people and two gods to knock some sense in my head. *cough*)

With this, I make public my resolutions—which is heka in and of itself, you know—and I step into the new year with an open mind and a willing attitude.

Di wep ronpet nofret! Happy new year to you all! ♥

Yesterday is gone and away, as ancient
as the first inundation and the last pyramid.
Today is fresh and pure, ripe and vibrant.
There is hope anew, another chance at choice.

Let us walk together, You and I.
In companionable silence, we will range
far and wide, knives and truths to hand.
Protect me as I, too, serve Ma’at in my way.

And when the sun-that-is-You sets
in a blaze of orange and glory,
I will walk the night through in Your shadow
to reach the dawn’s Zep Tepi again.