TIME MACHINE OF TERROR!

TIME MACHINE OF TERROR!

by Mark McLaughlin

1977: The Year of Crap VS. Splendor

Last Tuesday after work, I stopped by Professor LaGungo’s Exotic Artifacts & Assorted Mystic Collectibles to see what new items he had added to his inventory of bizarre goodies from around the world, among other places. I also had an important question to ask him.

As I entered the shoppe, it occurred to me that the head of Artemis LaGungo, who is well over one-hundred, resembled one of the many shrunken heads to be found on the shelves of his store — except, of course, for the fact that his head was normal-sized. His liver spots were so large and old, some had their own liver spots. When he saw me, he gave me a smile so wide, it put me in mind of a jack-o’-lantern.

“Hello, Mark!” he said. “I’m so glad you stopped by. I’ve acquired something you might like to keep inside the Time Machine of Terror!” He reached under the counter and pulled out what appeared to be a quaint water pistol made out of pink plastic. The little gun gurgled as he shook it. “It’s always full,” he said, “no matter how many times you shoot!”

So saying, he fired the pistol at a nearby teddy bear, again and again, until poor teddy was soaking wet. He shook the gun again and it gave us the same gurgle. “Listen: still full — of holy water!” he cried happily. “It was specially created by a clown priest, who used it for exorcism cases regarding children. You can have it for twenty bucks.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said, handing the professor two ten-dollar bills. “I may need it to protect me from some of the crappier B-movies that I visit in that time machine you sold me.”

“Oh, never joke about the power of crap!” the professor whispered as he gave me the toy.

“The power of crap…?” I repeated, mystified.

“Just as good and evil are equal but opposite forces that flow through our universe,” the professor explained, “so splendor and crap are opposing powers that hold sway in the dimension of old movies and TV shows. If you want to see what I’m talking about, visit the year 1977 in the Time Machine of Terror!”

I suddenly remembered the important question I needed to ask the professor. “I check the fuel gauge on the time machine after every trip, and right now, the tank is half full,” I said. “I’d like to fill it back up, but I don’t know what to use.”

The Time Machine of Terror! (or TMOT!, for short) is powered by spinning mystic gears from an ancient Lemurian time-temple — evil, twisted gears lubricated with the blood of the damned, the tears of the innocent, and peppermint oil. The peppermint oil makes it smell nice. So while I knew what kept the gears turning smoothly, I still had no idea what the machine actually required for fuel.

“Your trip to 1977 will answer that question,” the professor said. “Now let me show you a delightful wind-up praying mantis that came into the shoppe earlier today….”

Later that evening, I entered the TMOT! and paid a visit to 1977. But before I tell you about that, let’s take a look at what happened in the world that year….

On January 3, Apple Computer Inc. was incorporated.

On January 18, the germ that causes Legionnaires’ Disease was identified.

On January 19, snow fell in Miami, Florida, for the first time in the city’s history.

On January 20, Jimmy Carter succeeded Gerald Ford as America’s 39th President.

On February 11, an astounding 44-pound, 9-ounce lobster was caught near Nova Scotia.

On March 4, an earthquake in Bucharest killed 1,500.

On March 27, a collision between KLM and PanAm Boeing 747s at the Canary Islands killed 583 people.

On April 22, optical fiber was first used to carry phone-call traffic.

On May 25, STAR WARS opened in theatres and became, at the time, the highest grossing film ever.

On June 26, Elvis Presley performed his final concert in Market Square Arena in Indianapolis, Indiana

On July 13, a blackout in New York City lasted for 25 hours.

On August 16, Elvis Presley died at age 42 at his Graceland residence. His funeral in Memphis, Tennessee, brought out 75,000 fans.

On August 19, comedy legend Groucho Marx died.

On September 29, the Food Stamp Program began.

On October 14, a gay rights activist named Tom Higgins hit Anita Bryant in the face with a pie at an anti-gay rally in Des Moines, Iowa.

On November 8, San Francisco elected City Supervisor Harvey Milk, the first openly gay elected official of a major American city.

On December 1, Nickelodeon, the children’s cartoon channel, launched as the Pinwheel Network.

Notable 1977 births included actors and actresses Orlando Bloom, James Van Der Beek, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Liv Tyler, Edward Furlong, musicians Kanye West, Ludacris, Fiona Apple, and rich guy Donald Trump, Jr.

Before I hopped into the TMOT! for my trip, I splashed the outside of the time machine with plenty of holy water from the toy pistol. You see, my first stop in 1977 was going to be EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC, and I didn’t want the demon Pazuzu to try to climb aboard the timecraft.

As I’ve mentioned before, the structure of the TMOT! resembles a giant brass alarm clock with batwings, so I made sure the wings were well-saturated with holy water.

EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC takes place four years after young Regan’s demonic possession in THE EXORCIST. Richard Burton plays the wide-eyed priest sent by the Vatican to see how she’s doing, and his acting is so over-the-top, one might think he was one possessed.

It is revealed that Regan’s demonic tormentor, Pazuzu, is an African locust demon — perhaps its busy mandibles were what inspired Burton to chew so voraciously on the scenery. 

In one scene, the priest and Regan share a dual-hypnosis machine that uses a spinning hypno-wheel and flashing lights to lull patients into a deep trance. Sadly, it can’t hypnotize any audience into taking any of this happy horse-poop seriously.

This bold, brassy sequel features exotic locales and amazing special effects, but it’s still pretty much big-budget crap. At one point, the priest has a vision where he rides the demon-locust Pazuzu straight to Africa. Wacky! The whole opus is so breathlessly bizarre, you can’t tear your eyes off of it.

While Pazuzu was busy giving Richard Burton piggyback rides, I steered the TMOT! in a new direction. The TMOT! registered high energy levels coming from 1977 TV shows. ROOTS, a highly popular historical mini-series which concerned the lives of America’s slaves, was filled with dramatic and historic splendor. THREE’S COMPANY and THE LOVE BOAT, on the other hand, were horny, crappy sitcoms about swingin’ Seventies types with big teeth and feathered hairstyles.

Next, I turned the TMOT! toward STAR WARS, the top movie of 1977. As everyone knows, STAR WARS is a classic tale of young adventurers toppling an evil space empire. Like EXORCIST II, it’s a bold, brassy movie, but instead of crap, it offers splendor — grand vistas of wonder and excitement. It also features a healthy assortment of aliens and monsters. There’s a good amount of humor and playful energy: it knows not to take itself too seriously.

STAR WARS is fresh, energetic and consistently entertaining. The same can also be said for CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, another splendid 1977 box-office smash, which concerns humanity’s first official encounter with beings from beyond.

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS only features interactions with one type of alien, as opposed to the veritable space-zoo to be found in STAR WARS. But, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS is such a stirring, inspiring adventure, no viewer is going to feel short-changed by any perceived shortage of space fauna. The big-headed, childlike, vaguely angelic aliens are fascinating creatures, and the fact that they are usually backlit makes them especially compelling (beings from their planet seem to understand the importance of dramatic lighting).

Sadly, I didn’t find any fascinating aliens at my next stop, a STAR WARS wannabe from Italy called BATTAGLIE NEGLI SPAZI STELLARI — in English, COSMOS: WAR OF THE PLANETS.

I did find some aliens with green skin and pointy ears, and a lot of bad special effects, including a huge, boxy, square-eyed, domineering super-robot who is capable of possessing — like an evil spirit or Pazuzu — people or even other computers.

The evil super-robot turns in a pretty mechanical performance, but next to the actors in CATHY’S CURSE, he looks like master thespian Laurence Olivier.

CATHY’S CURSE, a Canadian film, comes across as a dime-store version of the far superior 1977 release AUDREY ROSE, which told the haunting tale of a young girl alleged to be the reincarnation of another doomed girl who’d burned to death. While AUDREY ROSE was a splendid big-budget horror classic, CATHY’S CURSE looks more like a raked-together pile of scratched, faded cutting-room clippings.

CATHY’S CURSE is the story of a possessed pre-teen girl with long blonde hair and a foul mouth. She addresses a kindly lady medium as “Old bitch!”, “Fat dried-up whore!” and “Filthy female cow!” At one point, Cathy conjures up a witchlike avatar that says to the medium, “Medium? I’d say extra-rare piece of shit!”

Yikes! That little Cathy is hardcore!

Cathy carries around an evil doll that talks through the girl in a low, anguished devil-voice. But, that’s not the weirdest voice in the movie. The actress who plays Cathy’s mother speaks in a strange high-pitched whine, much like a demented version of Fran Drescher, which really has to be heard to be believed.

The 1977 version of THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU explores the romantic possibilities behind this classic tale of a mad scientist who turns beasts into humans. Can a proper Englishman have a serious relationship with a woman who’s part panther? In DEMON SEED, a super-computer decides to have a baby with a human woman, who isn’t exactly thrilled about the idea.  

Earth was threatened by killer creepy-crawlies twice in 1977. In the crap classics, EMPIRE OF THE ANTS and KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS, the title creatures endeavor to conquer humanity. Lord help us if they ever decide to combine their powers!

Man’s best friend turns into a Transylvanian bloodsucker in ZOLTAN, HOUND OF DRACULA. Apparently Dracula’s pet is also a vampire, and when his faithful hound ends up in suburbia, it’s clear that the neighborhood has gone to the dogs!

Outdoor horror pops up in THE HILLS HAVE EYES, an intense, savage tale of a desert family of sadistic freaks, and also in SNOWBEAST, a lame yawner about a white-haired sasquatch terrorizing a Colorado community during the skiing season.

I put the TMOT! in orbit around SUSPIRIA so I could study this movie for quite a while. This is the first of the three movies in the Three Mothers trilogy of Italian director Dario Argento. The other two are INFERNO (1980) and THE MOTHER OF TEARS (2007).

The Three Mothers movies were inspired by a literary work called “Suspiria De Profundis,” the sequel to “Confessions of an English Opium Eater” by English writer Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859).

In “Suspiria De Profundis” is a section entitled “Levana and Our Ladies of Sorrow,” which states that just as there are three Graces, there are also three Sorrows: Mater Suspiriorum, Our Lady of Sighs; Mater Tenebrarum, Our Lady of Darkness; and Mater Lachrymarum, Our Lady of Tears.

The villain in SUSPIRIA is Mater Suspiriorum, and here is what “Levana and Our Ladies of Sorrow” says about her: “The second sister is called Mater Suspiriorum — Our Lady of Sighs. … her eyes, if they were ever seen, would be neither sweet nor subtle; no man could read their story; they would be found filled with perishing dreams, and with wrecks of forgotten delirium.”

DeQuincey’s three Mothers are surreal goddesses of strange beauty and boundless power. Argento’s more down-to-earth interpretation of DeQuincey’s vision recasts the Mothers as diabolical super-witches.

Is SUSPIRIA a work of splendor or crap? It depends on who you ask. Because the movie contains multiple scenes of brutal, psychotic violence, some might dismiss it as crap. And because it is beautifully filmed and tells a complex and stylish tale of supernatural horror, some might consider it not only a work of luscious splendor, but also a cinematic classic.

The final stop in my 1977 tour was the apocalyptic crapfest, THE END OF THE WORLD, in which British horror icon Christopher Lee plays an alien disguised as a priest: Father Pergado, a.k.a. Zindar.

It seems that aliens have been watching Earth for quite a long time, and they’ve come to the decision that humanity is a disease that needs to be stamped out. A scientist and his wife fight the aliens for a good long time, but in the last few minutes, when it is clear the aliens are winning, the couple decides to jump ship and go live with the aliens. Talk about fair-weather friends!

As I set the TMOT! on a course for home, I reflected on what I’d learned this time around. 1977 was a footloose, rollicking year of great changes, high spirits, and great imaginative energy. Clearly the powers of splendor and crap were both in full swing.

After all, two of the greatest speculative-genre movies of all time — STAR WARS and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THIRD KIND — both came out in 1977. And many of the crappiest movies of all time — including EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC and CATHY’S CURSE — also came out. But even the crappy ones had their own unique brand of crappy splendor to them.

One cannot watch EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC without realizing one is watching something truly and majestically crappy. Such an opulent waste of money and resources! Veteran filmmakers and performers spent loads of time creating, fine-tuning and polishing this huge, glistening cinematic turd. It is the Mt. Everest of Awfulness — and paradoxically, all that combined crappiness makes it highly entertaining in its own kooky way.

The same can be said for many of 1977’s other movie crapfests. Just look at ZOLTAN, HOUND OF DRACULA. It wasn’t meant to be a comedy, but that’s what it turned out to be. Did its makers really think that anyone would find this goofball concept — Dracula’s vampire dog — even remotely frightening?

When the TMOT! and I returned home, I checked the machine’s fuel gauge. The tank was full! Apparently the trip to 1977 had filled it back up. So what was the tank full of?

Full of splendor? Full of crap? The year I’d just visited had overflowed with both. Splendor and crap are both fuel for the imagination — and apparently, for bat-winged Lemurian time-machines as well.

– End –

MARK McLAUGHLIN is part Greek, part Irish, part French, all terror. He is the Bram Stoker Award-winning author of numerous story collections, including RAISING DEMONS FOR FUN AND PROFIT, MOTIVATIONAL SHRIEKER, PICKMAN’S MOTEL, and TWISTED TALES FOR SICK PUPPIES, and co-author (with Michael McCarty) of the novel, MONSTER BEHIND THE WHEEL, the poetry collection, ATTACK OF THE TWO-HEADED POETRY MONSTER, and the Darkside Digital e-book, PROFESSOR LaGUNGO’S DELIRIOUS DOWNLOAD OF DIGITAL DEVILTRY AND DOOM.

To find out more about Mark’s work, visit www.myspace.com/monsterbook, www.skullvines.com, and/or enter McLaughlin into the search engine at www.horror-mall.com.

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VAMPIRE MANIA

by Michael McCarty

Hello, my name is Michael McCarty and I’m the author of the vampire book, LIQUID DIET.

For GravesideTales.com, I’ll be writing this column, VAMPIRE MANIA, in which I will interview vampire writers and review vampire movies and books.

For this first installment, I’ve interviewed Terrie Leigh Relf, co-author of the vampire book, BLOOD JOURNEY (with Henry Lewis Sanders), which was published by Sam’s Dot Publishing (http://www.samsdotpublishing.com). Terrie is also the editor of HUNGUR MAGAZINE, a vampire magazine also published by Sam’s Dot Publishing.

INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE WRITER:      

BLOOD JOURNEYS WITH TERRIE LEIGH RELF

Vampire Mania: What was the first vampire book or movie that had a major impact on you?

Terrie Leigh Relf: I grew up watching DARK SHADOWS, SCIENCE FICTION THEATRE, and shows like that. All in black-and-white, too. Bela Lugosi and all he spawned. I actually forget which book hooked me…. I know I read Bram Stoker’s DRACULA, but it was probably something by Chelsea Quinn Yarbro or Tanith Lee that totally sold me. I’ve always been a fan of dark supernatural literature, and by the time I’d graduated from high school, I’d already read thousands of books — and comic books, too.

VM: Are you a fan of TRUEBLOOD, TWILIGHT or any of the Laurell K. Hamilton books? Why is vampire fiction so hot these days?

TLR: I’ve read TRUEBLOOD and the TWILIGHT series as well as several Laurel K. Hamilton books, and would have to say there are probably as many reasons for vampire fiction being “so hot” these days as there are people reading it. I think the TWILIGHT series was/is popular due to it being more accessible to the YA crowd — not that they aren’t sophisticated readers … but given that the vamps, etc. are teens, brings it into that realm. As to TRUEBLOOD and Hamilton’s work: Since Anne Rice stopped doing vampire fiction, there has been a gap … people who read her wanted more.

VM: You are the editor of the vampire magazine, HUNGUR. How did you get that editor gig?  How many issues have you edited so far? How can vampire fans get the magazine? And, what kind of vampire fiction are you looking for?

TLR: HUNGUR was actually born out of an ongoing dialogue with Tyree Campbell, the Managing Editor of Sam’s Dot Publishing. If I remember correctly, we were both kvetching about the lack of markets for vampire fiction and poetry, and since SDP began as a science-fiction venue back in the late 90’s with ProMart, when our friend and mentor James B. Baker was still on the planet, we discussed expanding the paradigm, which was something we both wanted to see. The speculative aspect of “What if there were vampires from other worlds?” expanded into our guidelines, and HUNGUR was born. I’ve been the editor since its inception, and while Tyree Campbell is managing editor, I get to “do my thing” with interjections by him. I’m currently reading for Issue No. 9, so since there are two issues per year, we’re going on year five.

Vampire fans can purchase HUNGUR at www.samsdotpublishing.com. When a new issue is available, you can click on the table of contents icon. An alternate way, which leads to the same place, is to click on the “Purchase Center” icon.

What am I looking for? Don’t you just love editors who respond to that question with an “I-know-a-HUNGUR-story-when-I-see-it”?  Seriously, though, we want people to stretch their imaginations beyond the usual tropes. While we want ancient vampires, it’s more that we want vampires from ancient cultures than just vampires who have lived a long time. Sumerian vampires. Vampires from ancient China and Japan. Vampires of folklore and legend from non-western cultures. That sort of thing. We also want alien vampires. That would be vamps from outer space. They don’t need to be humanoid … they can be writhing masses of tentacles and such. They can live on energy, too — not just blood. They may be shapeshifters, too.

I receive a lot of excellent stories set in current or historical times that just don’t fit with our mission. Many writers — and I include poets here, too, as we also publish five to eight poems per issue — will email me with an idea, and I’ll say “run with it.” Humor is good, too. Even satire. Van Helsing material isn’t usually accepted unless it has an unusual twist.

VM: You co-wrote the book BLOOD JOURNEY with Henry Lewis Sanders. What was it like, writing with another author? Do you have plans to write a sequel?

TLR: Ah yes, BLOOD JOURNEY. I loved working with Henry, and we’re actually working on the next book in the series, which will probably be published by SDP in 2010 or so. Hopefully. We’re also planning a third volume — maybe more.

One of the great things about Henry is that he is one of the first people to publish my work, along with ProMart, back in the late 90’s.

Collaborating is awesome when it works well, like it always has with Henry. I’m also collaborating on a novel with Edward Cox, but it’s on the backburner at the moment. Then you and I have collaborated … I think for those of us who are “chameleons” it is “easier” than with other people. We are able to get into each other’s heads, mimic each other’s style, etc. Each writer brings a skill set to the table, and in my case, I find that I’ve learned new skills in the process. It’s challenging, but energizing, too. Sharing minds and words like this.

I couldn’t work with a control freak or someone who had a vision and just brought me along for the ride. It’s effortless effort when it’s a good match — but don’t get me wrong, there are still plot and character issues to resolve, lots of back-and-forth about what works and what doesn’t. I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t meaningful to me, or to the other person. It’s a discovery process, too. Like we’re taking each other on an exploration of the caves of Io and don’t know what we’ll find there — or create. I like that. Synchronicity. Serendipity, etc.

VM: BLOOD JOURNEY is truly a blood journey, which travels through England, the United States and Greece. Why did you choose the locations in the book?

TLR: Good question. I think they just popped into our heads…. Seriously.

VM: What is it about vampire literature that you like writing?

TLR: It’s a compulsion, really. It’s funny, though, as I love to read crime thrillers and so forth, but I don’t have any desire to write them. With vampire fiction, I HAVE to write it. Not only vampires, but other proverbial supernatural characters. The supposed immortality quotient, for one, appeals to me as I have enough poetry, story, and book ideas to keep me busy for several lifetimes. Also the personal growth aspect. I believe that some vampires may have considerable wisdom. I’m big with ghosts, spirits, beings from alternate dimensions because I’ve “danced” with them my entire life. Monsters fascinate me … the human monster, too.

VM: What are the origins of The Church of the Dark Mother in BLOOD JOURNEY? How important is it to the novel? 

TLR: What?! You’ve never heard of it? You never know, you may have a priestess of the goddess Hecate, or Hekate, living next door to you. The dark arts exist, as do those based on the light. Yin-yang. Remember in THE WIZARD OF OZ, when Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, asked Dorothy: “Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?”

VM: Do you allow your characters the luxury of taking the story in an unexpected direction, or do you stick to the original outline?

TLR: Actually, I’m a character-driven writer. I believe plot emerges from the characters living it. While I do get plot ideas independently, the characters emerge and take over. So, recently, one of my biggest challenges was to plot out two novels for presentations. My usual modus operandi is to write the book and deal with plot “issues” as I go along or after the draft(s) are “done”. Sometimes, though, the entire plot unveils before me. Usually, I just “take dictation” from the voices in my head.

VM: What advice would you give to beginning vampire writers?

TLR: I should write a book about this…. Okay, here’s a short non-hierarchical list. There are always exceptions, though, as sometimes people will just think, hey, I want to write a vampire story, and voila, they write an awesome one with no specific preparation. Sometimes, all that study and research can disguise itself as procrastination…. Or, perhaps procrastination hides itself in study and research. Avoidance, etc.

1. Trust your process.

2. Watch all the movies — yes, all — and not only in English or subtitled.

3. Read all the books, stories, graphic novels and comic books you can get your hands on.

4. Subscribe to HUNGUR and buy BLOOD JOURNEY (shameless promotional soundbite!).

5. Consider what you can bring to the ongoing discussion/genre. In other words, how do you view vampires that may be different than others — trust that process! At the end of a recent HWA con, both Yarbro and another author were asked a similar question, and while I don’t remember who said what, as they were both offering their thoughts and going back-and-forth, it was something like the following: Don’t copy anyone’s work — and especially don’t copy your own. Innovation, etc.

6. Join a writer’s group — online or face-to-face — or both

7. Develop a thick skin — and not just because vampires often have fangs … but because it’s essential to share your work with others and while some new writers get accepted right off the bat (no pun intended), and may never receive a rejection, rejection is the norm.

8. One of my many mentors told me this (sorry, I forget which one as I’ve been blessed with a long line of them): Successful writers may have talent, but they also have persistence. I tell people that every rejection brings you closer to acceptance.

9. Focus on expanding your horizons as a writer all the time. One of the reasons I love being a writer is, there’s always something new to learn.

10. Be humble, but be honest. If you’re a good writer, admit it…

11. Sketch out your characters. Play games with them. Invite them into your mind … to cross your mental threshold.

12. Read legends and history and such.

VM: Who was your favorite character to write in BLOOD JOURNEY?

TLR: I’m afraid to say, as the other characters may have their feelings hurt. Seriously, though, since Henry and I both worked together on all the characters, I got to know each one rather intimately. When we were “finished” with the book, though, I think I really missed Guenther the most. He is the character who offers parting words at the book’s close, too, so perhaps it’s because his words lingered for me. Having a favorite character to write is often a complex scenario as we may not like them at all. Like Cassandra, one of the High Priestesses, for example. I did not like her at all. I LOATHED her, but writing her was rather fun. Hatshepsut still remains a mystery to me — but that is her nature. She is also a High Priestess, but of another sort. Truth be told, I did not like Henry’s girlfriend, Sarena, that much.

To find out more about Terrie and her work, visit www.myspace.com/terrieleighrelf.

Michael McCarty’s websites are:

www.khpindustries.com

www.myspace.com/ottochurch

www.myspace.com/monsterbook

No related posts.

1959: THE YEAR OF THE LEECH

by Mark McLaughlin

The little bell above the door tinkled as merrily as a drunken pixie as I entered PROFESSOR LaGUNGO’S EXOTIC ARTIFACTS & ASSORTED MYSTIC COLLECTIBLES.

“Good morning, Mark!” the Professor cried, grinding the butt of a cigarette into an ashtray made from the top half of a human skull.

“Professor, I didn’t know you smoked!” I had three reasons for being surprised to see him with a cigarette in hand.

Reason No. 1: He was incredibly old, and while smoking is unhealthy for anyone of any age, it must be especially bad for someone who’s been around for more than a century.

Reason No. 2: The shoppe was full of valuable antiques, all old and dry, so smoking presented a fire hazard.

Reason No. 3: I’d known the Professor for quite some time and had never seen him smoke before.

“You must be quite surprised to see me smoking,” the Professor said. “After all, I’m well over a hundred years old — it can’t be good for me! And, the shoppe is full of dry old things — a fire hazard if ever there was one! And of course, you’ve never seen me smoke before.”

Sometimes, it’s like he can read my mind.

“Right on all three counts,” I said. “So what’s up with the cigarette?”

“I only smoke one of these a year,” he said. “They come from my private collection of curios: cigarettes handcrafted by the occultist Aleister Crowley, made from leaves he’d picked from the Tree of Knowledge.”

“They must be all stale and moldy by now,” I said.

“Oh no, they shall remain fresh forever,” the Professor said. “They’re quite refreshing, but I only dare smoke one per year.”

I looked down at the charred stub in the ashtray. “What would happen if you smoked a second one right now?”

“Smoking one a year gives me the knowledge one needs to live an extremely long time,” the Professor said matter-of-factly. “Smoking two in one year would teach me why death is actually preferable to life.” The old man shrugged. “I’d rather not take that lesson.”

I decided to change the subject to something less depressing. “Professor, I’m really enjoying that ancient Lemurian time machine you sold me!”

“Oh, I’m so glad!” the Professor said. “I really am sorry it can only visit the dimension of old movies and television shows. It was broken when it came into the shoppe, and apparently the replacement parts I used from a film projector, a VCR and a couple old TV sets limited its capabilities.”

“No need to apologize — or to supply exposition,” I said. “You told me all that when I bought it.”

The Professor grinned. “Well, I know you’re a writer, so I said all that in case you put this conversation word-for-word in a story, or perhaps one of those Internet blogs I’ve been hearing about. So have you visited 1959?”

“Not yet!” I said. “Why? Do you think I should?”

“Certainly, yes! American was in an intriguing transitional stage in 1959,” he said, his eyes glittering with knowledge. But then, he’d just smoked that Crowley cigarette. “The traditional ways of the Fifties were soon to give way to the new permissiveness of the Sixties. Even in the counter-culture, beatniks were soon to be replaced by hippies.”

“And how is that transition reflected in the movies of 1959?” I asked.

“Excellent question! I could tell you the answer, but that would only spoil your fun.” The Professor absent-mindedly stroked a stuffed lizard on the counter. “I will tell you this: 1959 was the Year of the Leech! Now, let me show you some items that came into the shoppe earlier this week…”

Later that day, I did indeed visit 1959 — but before we get to that, let’s take a look at what happened in the world that year….

On January 3, Alaska was admitted as the forty-ninth American state.

On January 12, Berry Gordy, Jr. founded Motown Records.

On February 3, musicians Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper died when their chartered plane crashed near Clear Lake, Iowa.

On February 16, Fidel Castro became the Premier of Cuba.

On March 9, the Barbie doll made her debut.

On April 9, NASA announced the selection of seven military pilots to become the first American astronauts.

On May 28, two monkeys, Able and Miss Baker, were the first living creatures to return from space, via the Jupiter AM-18.

On June 9, the USS George Washington — the first submarine to carry ballistic missiles — was launched.

On, July 8, Dale R. Buis and Charles Ovnand were the first Americans killed in action in Vietnam.

On July 17, an Australopithecus skull was discovered by Louis and Mary Leakey in Tanzania’s Olduvai Gorge.

On August 8, a flood in Taiwan killed 2,000.

On August 21, Hawaii was admitted as the fiftieth American state.

On September 14, Luna 2 crashed on the Moon — the first man-made object to do so.

On October 2, Rod Serling’s THE TWILIGHT ZONE premiered on CBS.

On November 18, MGM released BEN-HUR in Technicolor. It went on to win eleven Academy Awards, a world record until 1998, when TITANIC equaled the record.

On December 1, the Antarctic Treaty declared Antarctica to be a scientific preserve, free of military activity.

1959 was also the birth year of chanteuses Sade, Sheena Easton, Irene Cara and Marie Osmond; actors Kyle MacLachlan, Tom Arnold and Hugh Laurie; rapper Flavor Flav; gender-bending pop star Pete Burns; basketball player Magic Johnson; rock star Bryan Adams; comic musician “Weird Al” Yankovic; Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson; and murder victim Nicole Brown Simpson.

As I’ve mentioned in previous blog entries, the Time Machine of Terror!, or TMOT! resembles a giant, old-fashioned brass alarm clock with bat wings, and is invisible to anyone outside of the machine (it came with a tracking device in case I forget where I’ve parked it).

When I arrived in 1959, I decided to check out the Professor’s “Year of the Leech” reference by visiting THE LEECH WOMAN. This black-and-white potboiler concerns an amoral doctor who wants to learn how to make elderly women young and beautiful again. An incredibly old African woman offers him the information he’s looking for, provided he’ll help her to return to her tribe.

The sleazy doctor zips off to Africa with his aging, alcoholic wife in tow as a human guinea pig. He learns that older women can become young again if they drink a mixture of rare orchid pollen and male pineal-gland juice. Unfortunately for the doc, he soon becomes the pineal colada that restores his wife’s beauty.

Her newly restored loveliness, however, doesn’t last long, and so she has to kill and kill again to keep the glandular cocktails coming.

THE LEECH WOMAN didn’t feature any actual leeches, so I decided to hop over to ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES, which really does live up to its title. Man-sized leeches abscond with various citizens of a bayou town and hide them in a secret cave, so they have something to slurp on whenever they feel a little puckish … or suckish, as the case may be.

I continued to hop from movie to movie, hoping to discover the secret behind the Professor’s comment….

BEAST FROM HAUNTED CAVE features a storyline similar to that of ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES. An enormous, horrific, tentacled, thoroughly Lovecraftian spider-creature seizes local yokels and plasters them to the walls of its cave with webbing, so it can suck out some of their blood every now and then.

THE KILLER SHREWS takes place on a remote island where a science experiment has gone haywire, creating enormous, ravenous shrews that need to eat several times their bodyweight in food every day just to stay alive.

THE BAT is named after a masked killer who slays anyone standing between him and a fortune hidden in a mysterious mansion. THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL also presents us with a greedy fortune-hunter hatching a dastardly plot in an evil edifice.

In HORRORS OF THE BLACK MUSEUM, an insane author kills a series of innocent victims so he can write best-selling books about the mysterious murders.

In THE BLOODY BROOD, wicked beatniks also kill the innocent for kicks … in BLOODLUST, a mad millionaire hunts down humans for his twisted amusement … and in A BUCKET OF BLOOD, a deranged beatnik artist murders folks and turns them into valuable works of art. Dig that crazy cadaver, daddy-o!

How right the Professor was! 1959 was indeed the Year of the Leech. In movie after movie, predatory creatures and maniacs slaughtered victims for nourishment, profit or sport. The conservative world of the Fifties was trying to convey a message, and that message was “HELP!” Traditional values were being sucked dry by an advancing wave of vampiric hedonism.

Happily-ever-after just wasn’t part of the picture in 1959 horror movies. In THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE, a lovely, starry-eyed young woman meets and marries a handsome, successful young man, only to discover that he is in fact … an alligator person. Goodness, what will the neighbors think? At least she found out before they had kids!

Even the wholesome concept of following in daddy’s footsteps was shot in the head in 1959. In RETURN OF THE FLY, a young scientist decides to pick up where his pappy left off — and becomes a ghastly insect-headed freak, just like the old man.

There was no one a person could turn to for solace or security in 1959. You couldn’t even trust the medical profession — just look at that despicable doctor in THE LEECH WOMAN. He wasn’t the only fiendish physician to grace the silver screen that year. You’d think a pathologist would want to keep people alive, but in THE TINGLER, the medic in question gleefully allows a helpless mute woman to die so that a centipede-like monstrosity can spring into being. Nice bedside manner, doc!

The movies of 1959 clearly depict the tail-end of an era in crisis. No more dads smoking pipes as they read the daily paper by the fireplace. No more moms in aprons baking apple pies. No more sons and daughters studying in libraries and sipping malts through bendy straws. Kiss those sweet images goodbye, because the Sixties soon ushered in an era of free love, long hair, and recreational drugs that conservative types found as frightening as any giant leech.

When I returned to the present day, I visited Professor LaGungo’s shoppe and told him of what I’d learned during my trip to 1959. He listened to what I had to tell him and then said, “Actually, my comment had nothing to do with any of that. By ‘leech’ I was referring to the 1959 movie, PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, because everybody says it sucks … you know, like, um … a leech … my little joke….”

He paused, his cheeks pink with embarrassment. Finally he said, “Anyway! Let me show you some goodies that came into the shoppe about an hour ago…”

– End –

MARK McLAUGHLIN is part Greek, part Irish, part French, all terror. He is the Bram Stoker Award-winning author of numerous story collections, including MOTIVATIONAL SHRIEKER, PICKMAN’S MOTEL, and TWISTED TALES FOR SICK PUPPIES, and co-author (with Michael McCarty) of the novel, MONSTER BEHIND THE WHEEL, the poetry collection, ATTACK OF THE TWO-HEADED POETRY MONSTER, and the Darkside Digital e-book, PROFESSOR LaGUNGO’S DELIRIOUS DOWNLOAD OF DIGITAL DEVILTRY AND DOOM.

To find out more about Mark’s work, visit www.myspace.com/monsterbook, www.skullvines.com, and/or enter McLaughlin into the search engine at www.horror-mall.com.

Related posts:

1. Time Machine of Terror! 1977: The Year of Crap VS. Splendor ...
2. TIME MACHINE OF TERROR! 1971 ...
3. TIME MACHINE OF TERROR! 1984: A Year for Big Hair and Coming-of-Age Horror Movies ...
4. TIME MACHINE OF TERROR! – 1963 ...

This anthology is the follow up to Graveside Tales’ 2008 anthology The Beast Within. 2010 will see The Beast Unleashed.

We’re looking for stories that bring a new “twist” to the lycanthrope tale. The traditional lycanthrope stories are fine, but how many Romanian cursed, moor-bitten were-wolves can there be? Give us something original, Lycanthrope Steampunk, Lycanthrope Cyberpunk, Lycanthrope Gaslight. And remember there are more things that prowl by the light of the full moon. Don’t let wolves be the only outlet, not saying we won’t read them, but the more original the story the more likely it is to get more attention. Were-koalas, Were-ostriches, Were-seamonkies, nothing is out of bounds; just keep the ideas original and creative. Most importantly make sure The Beast is Unleashed.

What about new and unexplored realms of the beast. A world where they roam the land, day and night except during the cycle of the full moon when they’re vulnerable? Or an underwater realm where lycanthropes are only sea-beasts, the things legends are made of. Or alternate realities where lycanthropes are the predominate race Get your paws off you damn dirty wolf. Make it new, make it unique give it a new vantage point of the beast. Wolves may be traditional, think outside those boundaries.

What we’re not looking for, gore-porn, necrophilia, cruelty to animals or children, unless the stories demand it. And no hard-core porn please. Trapezes are fun in the circus, but not needed in a sex ritual between lycanthropes.

Stories should be in the 2,000 to 5,000 word range. Query for longer or shorter works. We’re not looking for novellas or for flash fiction.
Stories by electronic submission only. Files should be attached, not pasted into the body of the emails, in RTF or DOC format. Put your contact info in the email and on the first page of the story. Please also include bio and publishing history in the initial submission. Response time will be 2-3 weeks. New and original stories only, no reprints please. No simultaneous submissions please. If your story is chosen we’d buy FNAR in print and possibly e-book format. Reading period is from September 1st to December 31st or until filled. Publication is set for third quarter 2010.

Payment is $.01 per word and upon publication plus one copy of the
anthology. Additional copies can be purchased from Graveside Tales at a discounted rate.

Email submissions to: anthology@gravesidetales.com. Put TBW2 along with submissions title and word count in the subject line.

Want to get a good idea what we’re looking for pick up a copy of 2008’s The Beast Within available at Graveside Books, Amazon

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1. Novella & Novel Guidelines ...

New Ramoth. A city covered in scar tissue, where survival of the fittest decides who’s on top and crime is the only promotion system. Enter Eddie “Dog Boy” Gnash, ex-carnival freak turned private investigator. Now the bodies are piling up, and the fate of New Ramoth rests in the hands of this fur-covered freak— Eddie Gnash, Sideshow P.I.

“A tsunami of pulp-fiction violence, bodily fluids, and perverted sex. SIDESHOW P.I. is a weird but impressive twist on the private eye subgenre with a unique anti-hero that you won’t soon forget. This book will mess with your head in the best way possible. You can consider it horror fiction for gore-starved carnies. A true freak show.”

- Jordan Krall, author of SQUID PULP BLUES

“Nathaniel Lambert and Kevin Sweeney have worked seamlessly to create a page-turning powerhouse of a book. Vivid and brilliant, SIDESHOW P.I. is a must-have for any horror/bizarro collection.”

- Rio Youers, author of EVERDEAD and END TIMES

Available August 17th at http://gravesidebooks.com and other online and fine retailers.

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1. Sideshow PI by Kevin Sweeney & Nathaniel Lambert ...

Waaaaazzzzzuuuuuuppp!!! Welcome back to the Time Machine of Terror! (TMOT! for short).

A little exposition to set the stage for you: As I’ve mentioned in previous installments of this blog. I purchased the TMOT! at a groovy little emporium of second-hand horrors known as PROFESSOR LAGUNGO’S EXOTIC ARTIFACTS & ASSORTED MYSTIC COLLECTIBLES.

The TMOT! bears more than a passing resemblance to a giant, batwinged alarm clock. It can only visit the movies and TV shows of other time periods, for you see, it was broken when shopkeeper Professor Artemis LaGungo acquired it. The prof’s attempts to repair it with spare parts from VCRs, TVs and film projectors only partially fixed it.

Today we’re going to visit 1984, the year my favorite song was released — YOU SPIN ME ROUND (LIKE A RECORD) by Dead or Alive.

YOU SPIN ME ROUND came out in England on Nov. 4, 1984. It reached No. 1 in England in March 1985, and in the United States, peaked at No. 11 in September 1985.

English author George Orwell once wrote a bleak novel called NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR, published in 1949, in which he predicted that the future would be ruled by a harsh, totalitarian regime. Well, ya know what? George was wrong. As wrong as 2 + 2 = 73.

You see, George hadn’t figured YOU SPIN ME ROUND into the equation. Really, how could the world ever become a repressive dystopia with that high-energy dance hit rockin’ the house with a strong song? All I can say to George is: You’re a fine writer, but leave the predictions to Nostradamus.

Let’s spin the hands of time round (like a record) back to 1984 and see what else was happening:

On January 24, the Apple Macintosh was introduced to the world.

On February 8, the 1984 Winter Olympics opened in Sarajevo, and closed on February 19.

On March 22, teachers in Manhattan Beach, California, were charged with ritualistic abuse of preschool students. The charges turned out to be unfounded and were dropped.

On April 4, U.S. President Ronald Reagan called for an international ban on chemical weapons.

On April 6, TERMS OF ENDEARMENT won the Academy Award for Best Picture.

On May 23, a methane gas explosion killed sixteen at the Abbeystead water treatment works in Lancashire, England.

On June 8, a tornado ripped apart Barneveld, Wisconsin, injuring almost two-hundred people and killing nine.

On July 18, James Oliver Huberty went on a shooting spree at a McDonald’s restaurant in San Ysidro, California, killing twenty-one people before he was eventually shot and killed.

On July 23, Vanessa Williams resigned as Miss America after nude photos of her appeared in PENTHOUSE. Happily, her career recovered and she’s now known as the mean fashion queen on UGLY BETTY.

On August 30, the space shuttle Discovery blasted off on its maiden voyage. It came back on September 5.

On October 5, Marc Garneau, aboard the Space Shuttle Challenger, became the first Canadian in space. On October 11, also aboard the Challenger, astronaut Kathryn D. Sullivan became the first American woman to perform a space walk.

On October 31, Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated by her two Sikh security guards. In the riots that followed in New Delhi, 2,700 Sikhs died.

On November 6, Ronald Reagan defeated Walter Mondale in the presidential election with 59 percent of the popular vote, the highest since Richard Nixon’s 61 percent victory in 1972.

On November 25, the group Band Aid, composed of thirty-six U.K. musicians, recorded “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” to raise funds for famine relief in Ethiopia.

On December 3, a chemical leak from a pesticide plant in India killed an initial 2,000-plus people and injured up to 22,000 more. In time, 6,000 of the injured victims died as a result of the incident.

During the year, the Transformers, cartoon-stars-turned-toys, made their debut and spread quickly across America. Here are some more outstanding 1984 debuts:

Mark Zuckerberg, Founder and CEO of Facebook, was born May 14. America Ferrera, star of UGLY BETTY, was surely a super-cute baby when she was born April 18. Actress Scarlett Johansson arrived pink as a bunny’s nose on November 22.

Singer Ashlee Simpson was born October 3. Her older sister Jessica, born July 10, 1980, recorded a super-lame version of YOU SPIN ME ROUND before she turned her talents toward country music. See? It all comes back to that song.

What else was spinning in 1984? Well, it was a great year for big hair, with little fans in millions of hair-dryers spinning furiously as nightclub studs and hotties blow-dried their moussed-up coiffures. Now let’s take a look at some of year’s horror movies–

What the–? The TMOT! is spinning out of control! It wants to stop at 1989 instead of 1984. But why?

The TMOT!’s chronometer indicates that we’re being pulled into the wrong year because of some other Eighties’ influence with a ‘4′ in it … a ‘4′ which is exerting a very strong suction….

Of course! AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES was made in 1989, and it sucks with the inescapable power of an intergalactic black hole!

Patty Duke stars as a widow with three children who moves back in with her mother. Unfortunately, her mother has just received a huge clunky lamp as a surprise gift. The lamp had been obtained at a yard sale — and in what yard had that sale been held? The accursed front yard of the haunted Amityville house!

It turns out that the evil of the Amityville house had fled into that lamp during an exorcism, and now that very evil has been transferred, via the lamp, into the same house as Patty and the gang. And since the evil has lived in a lamp, it has gained the power to tinker with the mechanical world, and soon an electric tea-kettle, a chainsaw, a garbage disposal, and even the house’s plumbing are out of control.

In the end, the evil transfers into the family cat, Pepper — and now Pepper and AMITYVILLE 4 are trying to take control of the TMOT!

Fortunately, I have a few occult tricks up my sleeve. I shall tap into the ancient powers of the 1974 made-for-TV movie, THE CAT CREATURE, starring Gale Sondergaard and Meredith Baxter. Meredith plays a seemingly meek clerk at an occult goods store who turns out to be a reanimated mummy. Meredith looks a bit more Irish than Egyptian, so I guess reanimated mummies are masters and mistresses of disguise.

I shall now call upon Bast, the Egyptian cat deity worshipped by Meredith Baxter in THE CAT CREATURE. “Hey, mighty Bast, it is I — Mark McLaughlin, your favorite minion and a true Bast-ard. Please tell Pepper and AMITYVILLE 4 to stop screwing with the TMOT! Thanks, love ya! Call me, we’ll do lunch!”

Okay, now let’s take another look at the controls. Ah! Back on track! 1984, here we come! First stop: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.

Like the original HALLOWEEN, FRIDAY THE 13TH, and MY BLOODY VALENTINE (all of which have since been remade), A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET is one of those movies where young people seem to get hacked up by boogeymen whenever they party, have sex, or basically do something naughty.

Of all those horrific coming-of-age tales, NIGHTMARE stands out from the pack because a.) It isn’t centered around a holiday, b.) Freddy’s victims include innocent children, and c.) It was the first of the bunch to have a clearly supernatural villain.

More clarification on c.): The pick-axe-swinging miner in MY BLOODY VALENTINE was a mere mortal. Michael from HALLOWEEN started out as just an extremely resilient psychopath: later, the sequels made him supernatural. The same with Jason, who wasn’t even the killer in the very first FRIDAY THE 13TH.

But NIGHTMARE’s Freddy–! He was psychotic before he died, and supernatural, powerful and exponentially MORE psychotic after his death.

Plus, he doesn’t just kill his victims, like the others. Freddy claims and imprisons their souls to give himself more power. Basically, he has made himself into a localized and self-contained version of Satan and Hell, rolled into one. That makes the coming-of-age aspect of NIGHTMARE even more tragic: the victims are on the verge of becoming adults, but they’re chopped down by Freddy before they ever get the chance. Their future is Freddy’s fuel.

PHENOMENA, also known as CREEPERS, is a coming-of-age story about a teenage girl coping with all the changes that come with growing up. Aaaww, just like the girls on the old TV show, THE FACTS OF LIFE. But unlike those sitcom girls, she’s also coping with the following unusual concerns:

1.) Her rich actor-dad has sent her to a foreign boarding school.

2.) All her schoolmates have the hots for her dad, because he’s a handsome leading man.

3.) A crazed killer is brutally murdering area residents, including students at the school.

4.) She can telepathically communicate with and control insects — especially those of the winged variety.

The FACTS OF LIFE gang never had to fight vicious psychopaths or summon clouds of flying things with their minds!

The director of CREEPERS, Dario Argento, really likes to mix things up, and in this one, he succeeds in creating one of the most unpredictable movies you could ever hope to watch. He even throws in Donald Pleasance with a Scottish accent — and a chimp!

In CHILDREN OF THE CORN, based on a Stephen King story, the kids in a small, secluded rural town start their own cult, and in this religion, coming of age means it’s time to die. All adults are killed off, unless the kids have some practical use for them.

So what kind of religion requires children to slaughter their parents, you ask? Basically, these apple-cheeked young zealots pray to an amorphous demon called He Who Walks Behind the Rows. Kids! You never know what they’ll worship next!

The best coming-of-age horror movie of 1984 has to be THE COMPANY OF WOLVES, a stylish fantasy-horror film, directed by Neil Jordan and based on the werewolf stories in Angela Carter’s story collection, THE BLOODY CHAMBER.

THE COMPANY OF WOLVES concerns the old-world dreams of a contemporary young lady. No one in her family understands her, so she dreams up a Gothic fairy-tale realm where storybook adventures come alive — usually with a horrific, often erotic twist. Little Red Riding Hood finds herself mighty attracted to a mysterious, well-dressed but somewhat hairy nobleman — a wolf in chic clothing if ever there was one.

Like I said, 1984 was a great year for big hair, and you’ll find hair to spare in this strangely beautiful, beautifully strange movie. Long after you’ve watched it, you’ll remember its haunting images. For example, there’s one scene where a peasant lad in the woods suddenly encounters a Rolls Royce with a wicked but elegant passenger….

Hey, what’s that noise? Sounds like something’s scratching at the TMOT! Let me just take a look in the rear-view mirror–

Will ya look at that! It’s that darned Pepper, clawing at the door. Why, he’s been hanging onto the TMOT! since 1989. He must be sick of AMITYVILLE 4. Can’t say that I blame him!

Well, he’s been hanging on for so long, I’d hate to send him spinning round (like a record) into the time/space vortex. And now that I think of it, my cat would probably enjoy some companion while I’m at work. I guess I’ll keep him!

Until next time!

#  #  #

MARK McLAUGHLIN is mostly Greek but also part-Irish and part-French. But please, stop talking about his parts … you’re making him blush. He is the author of the story collection, TWISTED TALES FOR SICK PUPPIES, and co-author (with Michael McCarty) of the novel, MONSTER BEHIND THE WHEEL, the poetry collection, ATTACK OF THE TWO-HEADED POETRY MONSTER, and the Darkside Digital e-book, PROFESSOR LaGUNGO’S DELIRIOUS DOWNLOAD OF DIGITAL DEVILTRY AND DOOM.

McLaughlin has been nominated for the Bram Stoker Award many times and has won once. The award can be found in his closet next to a vanilla-scented air-freshener. To find out more about Mark’s work, visit www.myspace.com/monsterbook, www.skullvines.com, and/or enter McLaughlin into the search engine at www.horror-mall.com. Peace out!

Related posts:

1. Time Machine of Terror! 1977: The Year of Crap VS. Splendor ...
2. TIME MACHINE OF TERROR! 1959: The Year of the Leech ...
3. TIME MACHINE OF TERROR! 1971 ...
4. TIME MACHINE OF TERROR! – 1963 ...

1971: Year of the Horny Europeans in Castles
by Mark McLaughlin

Welcome back to the Time Machine of Terror! — or TMOT! for short.

First, the basics, for those of you who have not yet read the previous installment of this blog. I purchased the TMOT! at a quaint little shoppe of second-hand horrors known as PROFESSOR LAGUNGO’S EXOTIC ARTIFACTS & ASSORTED MYSTIC COLLECTIBLES.

The TMOT! resembles a giant, batwinged alarm clock. And while it can zip around with chronological ease, it can only visit the movies and TV shows of other time periods. It was already broken when the shoppe-keeper, Professor LaGungo, acquired it, and his attempts to repair it with parts from VCRs, TVs and film projectors only partially fixed it.

But then, he did the best he could. The TMOT! runs off of ancient Lemurian time-technology, and there aren’t any ancient Lemurians around to fix it.

Back in 1970, Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw starred in LOVE STORY, the tender tale of a young couple whose romance holds only one problem — the girl is terminally ill. Bummer! The slogan of that poignant melodrama was “Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry.”

The next year, another movie came along with a poster that showed a beautiful woman smooching with a guy whose face resembled a dried-out skull partially covered with a scarred layer of leathery hide.

The movie was THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES and its slogan was “Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Ugly.” Let’s set the TMOT! for 1971 and find out a bit more about Dr. Phibes, and also see what else what going on that year.

Here are some notable dates from 1971:

On January 2, cigarette advertisements were banned from radio and television in the United States.

On January 12, the classic sitcom ALL IN THE FAMILY premiered on CBS.

On January 25, Charles Manson and three of his cult members were found guilty of the Tate-LaBianca murders of 1969.

On February 5, Apollo 14 landed on the Moon and returned to Earth on February 9.

On February 20, 74 people died when multiple tornadoes swarmed across Mississippi.

On May 12, an earthquake tore apart the city of Burdur in Turkey. On May 22, Bingöl, Turkey was also hit by an earthquake, killing more than 1,000.

On June 18, Southwest Airlines began flights between the Texas cities of San Antonio, Dallas, and Houston.

On June 30, the Soyuz 11 spacecraft sprang a leak and lost its air supply, killing the crew.

On July 3, rock star Jim Morrison was found dead in a Parisian bathtub.

On July 31, Apollo 15 astronauts David Scott and James Irwin took the first lunar rover ride on the Moon. On August 7, Apollo 15 came home.

On September 4, a Boeing 727 crashed into an Alaskan mountain, killing 111 passengers.

On September 8, the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts opened in Washington, DC. On October 1, Walt Disney World opened in Florida. But not all the world’s entertainment centers enjoyed good fortune: on October 28, Cairo’s Egyptian Opera House burned down.

On November 13, Mariner 9 became the first spacecraft to enter Mars’ orbit with success.

On November 24, the mysterious D. B. Cooper parachuted from a plane he’d hijacked, along with $200,000 in ransom money. He was never seen again.

On December 18, the world’s largest hydroelectric plant revved into action in Krasnoyarsk, Russia.

The top film of the year was FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. The latest James Bond adventure was DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER, and the year’s top Disney film was BEDKNOBS AND BROOMSTICKS.

Before we peek in on Dr. Phibes, let’s visit a few other 1971 locales, shall we?

1971 was apparently a good year for imposters, if the movie THE NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE is any indication. It’s an Italian production with mostly Italian actors, but they’re all pretending they’re English. The dubbed-in voices won’t fool you – they’re all Italians speaking English and striving to sound like upper-class Brits. Couldn’t they have hired David Niven or even Mollie Sugden for a weekend to do some voicework?

This suspenseful horror-mystery concerns a wealthy, mentally ill young gent, Lord Cunningham, who is madly obsessed with his dead, red-haired wife, Evelyn. He cruises nightclubs looking for beautiful redheads so he can take them back to the castle for some psychotic love-games. These games soon turn lethal — or do they? Is he actually murdering any of these women?

He eventually meets and falls in love with a blonde, and soon proposes to her. She thinks she’s pretty lucky to have caught a handsome millionaire. But her luck takes a turn for the worse when she decides to try on a red wig for kicks.

THE NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE has loads of plot twists and turns, and also features the lovely Erika Blanc, a seductive redhead whose every expression and movement pulsates with smoldering sexuality. Today’s cinema would have you believe that Angelina Jolie and Anne Hathaway are hot stuff, but they’re just skinny, flickering birthday candles compared to the erotic lava-flow known as Erika Blanc.

Erika Blanc plays an erotic dancer who Lord Cunningham menaces for a while, but we eventually learn that this particular redhead is a formidable opponent and basically, the wrong lady to mess with.

Erika Blanc was pretty busy in 1971. In THE DEVIL’S NIGHTMARE, or LA TERRIFICANTE NOTTE DEL DEMONIO, she stars as a mysterious woman who is not only the daughter of a rich Nazi, but also a lascivious sex-demon, or succubus (wouldn’t you like to hear Daffy Duck trying to pronounce “lascivious Nazi succubus’?).

One night, a busload of tourists is stranded at her family’s ancestral castle, and she decides to send them all straight to Hades, with the help of a skinny little weirdo who is apparently the Devil. It’s odd to think of the Devil as skinny and little, but then, he was a snake in Eden, and that’s pretty darned skinny and little.

So, one by one, the tourists are killed off, all dying in the act of committing a mortal sin. That sort of thing guarantees each of them a one-way ticket to Hell. But then, as tourists, they should be willing to visit exciting new ports of call.

The henna-haired horror-honey is not unopposed in her efforts. One of the tourists is a handsome young seminarian, and it’s quite amusing, watching our diabolical darling try to bump and grind her way into his affections.

Does our titillating Teutonic terror-tart triumph? Does our sizzling succubus succeed when confronted with Holy Roman chastity? It would be a mortal sin to give away the ending.

I do want to mention this, as a side note: The last frame of the movie is an art-card of the words ‘The End’ in Italian: FINE. So if you don’t like the ending, that’s FINE by me!

More sultry Seventies devil-women spice up the silver screen in another sexy Euro-potboiler, THE WEREWOLF VS. VAMPIRE WOMEN. Paul Naschy stars as a rich, horny werewolf with a crazy sister and his very own castle. Apparently, the economy and people’s libidos were both great in Europe in 1971, because as you can see from the movies so far, everyone back then was sex-crazed and had their own castle.

Two pretty lady travelers happen upon the castle of the werewolf, and they soon become his guests. One becomes the werewolf’s lover and the other is turned into a vampire when she is bitten by Countess Wandesa Dárvula de Nadasdy, the local version of Countess Bathory.

At one point, the werewolf (in human form during the day) has to bury his sister, who is a victim of the vampire. To make sure his sister doesn’t become a vampire (as vampire-victims so often do), he drives a stake through her heart and cuts off her head. I can just see him at the bar later that night: “What a day! I had to dig my sister’s grave, drive a stake through her heart AND cut off her head. I’m always doing things for other people — I never get any ‘me’ time!”

The finale is a battle royale between the werewolf and the corpuscle-craving countess. This scene is worth sitting through all the movie’s more boring stretches (mainly, scenes of people explaining the matters-at-hand to each other, thus providing the audience with exposition). And after all, when was the last time you saw a really good fight between a werewolf and a vampire in a mantilla? For that matter, when was the last time you saw anyone in a mantilla, let alone a vampire?

The title character of LADY FRANKENSTEIN is also horny and lives in a castle, and she even goes so far as to create a composite lover out of a mentally challenged hunk and an aging scientist who helps her with her experiments. You have to admire her resourcefulness in working with the resources at hand, with minimal waste. Now that’s one environment-conscious insane lady scientist.

This movie stars veteran actor Joseph Cotten as Dr. Frankenstein, and his matter-of-fact action-hero voice sounds odd, coming out of a German doctor’s voice in a dubbed Italian horror epic. They didn’t dub his voice, but should have.

In LEGACY OF BLOOD, an elderly millionaire, played with relish by John Carradine, passes away and leaves his fortune to his adult children — with one stipulation (but then, the last will and testament in any horror movie always has a catch to it). The heirs have to spend a week in his mansion to collection the fortune, and pretty soon a mysterious murderer begins picking them off, one by one. Of course, they have sex with their various partners to pass the time — in an American mansion instead of a European castle, but still, it’s a pricey piece of real estate.

In the horror classic DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS, we have another vampire Countess Bathory — and unlike the one in the werewolf movie, this one doesn’t wear a mantilla. This one wears a red sequined evening gown and furs and red, red lipstick. This one also has wavy blonde hair, a coy smile and no fangs. She is accompanied by a younger lesbian lover/companion, who is profoundly tired of the jet-set vampire lifestyle her more experienced lover has enjoyed for centuries.

The Countess and her companion check into a huge, grand hotel which is practically empty since it is located in a remote location (in Europe, of course) and it is the off-season. Soon the Countess starts eyeballing a young married couple, the only other guests staying there.

The vampire and her vixen play cat-and-mouse with the couple through most of the movie, and we soon learn that the husband is not only a sex-fiend, but also a psychological train-wreck. Can this marriage be saved? Don’t bet on it. Kinky lovemaking in a lavish setting strikes again — and soon, everything changes for the Countess, her companion, and the newlyweds.

And now, let’s look in on THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES. There’s no sex in this one, but the good doctor, played by Vincent Price, is totally in love with his wife — and he does live in a beautiful mansion in England. Unfortunately, Mrs. Phibes dies during a surgical operation, and Dr. Phibes gets his face burned off when his limo crashes as he hurries to get to the hospital to be with her. He gets better and learns to how to rebuild his facial features with putty, make-up and wigs, and as you can well imagine, it’s a major understatement to say that he’s pissed off at the doctors and nurse whose efforts failed to keep his wife alive.

Dr. Phibes begins killing off the medical team one by one, using the ten curses of the Old Testament as his weapons. Bats, boils, hail, rats, locusts … the body count climbs as the curses tally up.

Because of the injuries he received in the car crash, Dr. Phibes now speaks through a tube in his neck, which means that Vincent Price plays the part without opening his mouth once. Surely this was a cinematic first for Vinny, who was always eager to chew up the scenery. The doctor has an assistant — Virginia North as the beautiful, mute Vulnavia — and her graceful presence adds elegance and sultry allure to the proceedings.

THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES is stylish, suspenseful, and fiendishly clever. Every detail is perfect. The English detectives are entertaining in their befuddlement, and the jazzy soundtrack is quite enjoyable. It’s even fun watching the clockwork musicians as they perform with mechanical precision in Dr. Phibes’ grand ballroom.

Speaking of clockwork, the TMOT! is sounding a little creaky, so I’d better steer it back to the present day and oil it up. It really was amazing to see how many rich folks were knocking boots in their European castles back in 1971. The economy has sure gone downhill since then! People aren’t buying castles any more — but hey, at least love is free (and if you’re paying for it, I don’t want to know).

Until next time!

– End –

MARK McLAUGHLIN is the author of the story collection, TWISTED TALES FOR SICK PUPPIES, and co-author (with Michael McCarty) of the novel, MONSTER BEHIND THE WHEEL, the poetry collection, ATTACK OF THE TWO-HEADED POETRY MONSTER, and the Darkside Digital e-book, PROFESSOR LaGUNGO’S DELIRIOUS DOWNLOAD OF DIGITAL DEVILTRY AND DOOM. To find out more, visit http://www.myspace.com/monsterbook, http://www.skullvines.com, and http://www.horror-mall.com.

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Old Time Radio Dramas

Dark Fantasy was an American old-time radio show featuring horror and suspense stories. It had a short run of 31 episodes, debuting on November 14, 1941 and ending on June 19, 1942. Its writer was Scott Bishop, also known for his work on The Mysterious Traveler. It originated from station WKY in Oklahoma City, and was heard Friday nights on NBC stations. The stories were quite imaginative for their day but evidently failed to find an appreciative audience.

1 – The Man Who Came Back  aired 11/14/41
3 – The Thing from the Sea aired 11/28/41
4 – The Demon Tree aired 12/5/41
5 – Men Call Me Mad aired 12/19/41

Enjoy

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