While working in a post office, a lady barged in complaining that she got home to find a note from the mail man saying that he tried to deliver a package but nobody was home. “My husband was home all day!”, she fumed. After giving her the package I heard her tell somebody “Oh, I’m so excited, my husbands new hearing aids!”

Recently divorced, I moved back to my home town hoping to start over again. A few weeks later, while making a dentist appointment, I was surprised to see I recognized the dentist’s name as a good looking boy from my high school 20 years ago. However, upon walking into the dentist’s office, I quickly realized he must be someone else. He was bald, had a big beer belly, and looked a lot older than me. Just to be sure though, on my way out I asked him if he went to the high school that I had attended. “Yeah”, he responded, “I graduated in 91.” “Oh my gosh”, I excitedly said “you were in my class.” “Really”, he said that’s interesting, “what class did you teach?”

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

Q. How do you get a mouse to smile?
A. Say cheese!!

I lovingly gave my niece a kiss on her cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together.  Afterwards, I noticed her wiping her cheek.  ”Are you wiping off my kiss?”, I asked her.  ”No”, she smartly replied, “I’m just rubbing it in!”

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

Q. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

A. “Where’s pop corn?”

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender tells him to get out.
The mushroom says, “why? I’m a fun-guy.”

Knock Knock
Who is there?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Ah never mind. it’s a pointless joke.

Birthday Invitation:
What? You are invited to Cathy’s birthday party.
Where? 1424 Maple Dr. (you will need to be buzzed in, so dial our number with your nose and you will then be buzzed in. Once, you’re in the building, press the button for the elevator with your nose. Then press floor number 12 with your nose. We are the door on the left hand side.)
Can’t wait to see you!
P.S. You will be pushing with your nose, because your hands will be too busy holding the presents.

The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in it’s mouth. “Isn’t that something,” says the leader after only a moments pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”

Q. What did the guy say to the horse when he walked into the bar?

A. Why the long face??

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?

A. Ground beef.

Q. What did the egg say to the frying pan?
A. “You crack me up”

Q. What goes black and white, black and white, black and white?
A. A penguin rolling down a hill.

Guy 1:somebody said you sounded like an owl.

Guy 2:who?

Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?

A. A walk!

Grandma Sally’s first great-grandchild was born and after a few weeks, when the parents need a break, she was given the job of watching her. “Let me see the little cutie,” begs her friend Gerty. “Not yet”, Sally responds. When she again refuses five minutes later Gerty has had enough “what are you waiting for?” she fumed. “I’m waiting for her to cry.” “Why is that?” questioned Gerty. “Well, because I forgot where I put her!”