6) The Spider-Man Tramp Stamp (P.S. WTF?)

Source: Ugliest Tattoos

Nice job. Now, every time someone looks at you from behind, they’re going to wonder why Spider-Man’s spider-sense is tingling and he’s asking himself “WTF?” while he’s in the immediate vicinity of a potentially vaporous region of your body.

This is a pretty good prank; I’m just wondering why you decided to play it on yourself.

5) The Spider-Man Symbol Back Tattoo

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Um. Hey. I think you’ve got something on your back.

4) The Spider-Man Sock Tattoo

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Further evidence that no one has ever un-ironically said, “Hey, check out that wicked sock tattoo.”

3) The Overgrown Spider-Man Symbol Chest Tattoo

Source: GWS

Winner of the 2011 Award for Most Likely to Creep a Girl Out when Taking off His Shirt.

2) The Ripped Chest Skin Spider-Man Tattoo

Source: The Internets

I spoke too soon.

1) The Terrible Spider-Man Figure Tattoos

Source: Ugliest Tattoos

I’m not sure what’s more distracting in this Spider-Man tattoo: what passes for Spidey’s right leg, the bloody webbing, or the prospect that someone let an enthusiastic sixth-grader experiment with tattooing for the first time.

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A picture says a thousand words. In this case, most of those words are “retch” and “vomit”.

5) The “Angry Tentacles” Cthulhu Cake

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Check out those tentacles, with their boiling pustules of Elder God rage.

…or they’re Rick Krispie treats. But I’m pretty sure it’s the former.

4) The Fecal Tentacles Cthulhu Cake

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Just because a cake was skillfully and artfully executed by a master cake artisan doesn’t mean I have any interest in eating dark, sludge-like tentacles.

Plus, I’m not 100% sure that this cake isn’t just excrementing* all over itself.

* Not a word, you say? Guess what. Now it is.

3) The Angry Octopus Cthulhu Cake

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I can’t tell where its gaping mouth ends and its navel begins. And I just can’t trust a cake like that.

2) The Mini-Cthulhu Cake

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You see what I’m seeing, right?

Ok. It’s sculpted poo. Just so there’s no confusion.

1) The Intestinal Cthulhu Cake

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This Cthulhu cake kind of reminds me of a surrealist painting by someone like Salvador Dali. Two people can interpret the same work very differently.

For example, I see fresh, swirling intestines, and you very well might see a profoundly unhealthy bowel movement.

Who’s to say?

BONUS PALATE CLEANSER: The Gummi Cthulhu Cake

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I was going to give you this adorable Cthulhu cake as a reward for being so brave through the previous five atrocities. But at this point, you probably can’t help yourself from thinking about unhappy bodily secretions when you look at those gummi tentacles, eh?

Yeah, sorry about that. I meant well, at least.

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7) The Hairy-Chested Chewbacca Costume

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Many bathmats died to bring us this costume.

6) The Cardboard Chewbacca Costume

Source

So, yes… it’s pretty fantastic as far as cardboard costumes go.

But in the meantime: it’s still made of cardboard.

5) The 1977 Official Star Wars Chewbacca Costume for Kids

Source, Via

THANKS, 1977!

The only way the design of this Chewbacca costume could have been more lazy is if they plastered recycled artwork of The Wolfman’s face across the chest.

4) The Gorilla-Faced Chewbacca Costume

Source

A compelling argument against gene-splicing technology: Gorilla Grodd crossed with a Wookiee. A super-smart gorilla who rips arms off all willy-nilly.

3) The Chewbacca Baby Costume

Source: HalloweenCostumes4U.com

Good thing you’re not old enough to know better, Baby, because you look like a Fraggle who could easily be mistaken for a feather duster.

2) The “Sexy” Chewbacca Costume

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The last three things that should ever be made into “sexy” costumes: (3) Gary Busey. (2) Chewbacca. (1) Herpes.

1) The Grizzly Adams as Chewbacca Costume

Source: CostumeFail.com

Here’s a sentence I’m pretty sure you’ve never heard before:

Grizzy Adams killed a Wookiee and wore the skin as a suit at Comic-Con.

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Source

My absence from the blog was due to my starting a new long-term occupational engagement which requires the full attention of all of my considerable resources, including my devastating handsomeness, fresh scent, and keen smartiness.

So what does this mean for the blog? Well, first, I shan’t be posting multiple, short posts per day any longer. However! I will devote hours of my weekends–when the batteries powering my physical attractiveness must be replenished–to generating longer-form content like The Top Twelve Awful Twilight Tattoos, The Top Five Green Lantern Costumes Gone Wrong, and The Top Five Awful R2-D2 Cakes. I’ll release this content over the course of the work week; you can expect at least one or two of these lists per week, plus some other goodies as I have time, energy, and the desire to placate you.

Anyway, I’m excited about this evolution of the blog, and am glad you are joining me for it. I’d love to hear from you in the comments with your thoughts. Especially if your thoughts are dominated by adoration and a compelling desire to send me money. (U.S. DOLLARS, ONLY!)

And remember… I love you. For loving me.

Or maybe you wouldn’t be surprised. I hear cynicism is contagious, and I’ve been drinking out of your mug when you weren’t looking.

8) The These-Are-Definitely-Not-Batman’s-Pecs Batman Symbol Chest Tattoo

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“Bird-chested” and “Batman” aren’t typically two things that go together.

7) The “I Am Batman” Hand Tattoo

Source

I am… losing any chance of respect from future employers, in-laws, and grandchildren.

…going to regret this.

…not at all Batman.

6) The Batpug Tattoo

Source: UgliestTattoos.com

Nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana BATPUUUUUUG!

…is sad that you treat your back like a laboratory of permanent ink.

5) The Hairy, Dripping Batman Symbol Tattoo

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Well, there’s good news:

Thanks to poor placement (i.e., anywhere on the body of a Sasquatch), this Batman symbol tattoo will soon be so-overgrown with distractingly-thick-and-curly hair that it won’t occur to anyone to think that the “dripping” effect was a terrible, terrible idea.

4) The Sad Little Asymmetrical Batman Symbol Back Tattoo

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“I couldn’t decide between making my Batman tattoo too small, too lopsided, or too boring, so I went with all three. And then put it in a really conspicuous place in the middle of my back. … Now where’s that trophy for winning at life that you promised me?”

3) The Tribal Batman Symbol Tramp Stamp

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Hey, maybe you can make your Batman symbol tramp stamp even more tribal next time… because this time, you stopped just short of a white-trash explosion, and that’s something we all need to see. For science!

(Sorry, I realize “tramp stamp” is kind of offensive. What I meant was, “mark of the ho.”)

2) The S&M Batman Symbol Chest Tattoo

Source

One of the best-executed Batman symbol tattoos on the list is also one of the most difficult to behold.

Unless you’re into this kind of thing. In which case, I don’t judge… but mostly because I don’t want you to whip me with your leather switch.

1) The Gotham City Bats Tattoo

Source

So lifelike and horrifying that I think I just caught rabies from looking at it.

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And by “slower,” I mean, “possibly nonexistent.”

But, look! Here’s a picture of Calvin and Hobbes-inspired snowmen impaled on the Ellifrett Structure at the University of Wyoming. Now your simple mind has been distracted from its previously-distraught state by an object of delight. Too easy.

Anyway. Keep an eye on the GWS Twitter profile or GWS Facebook Page, as I’ll be more likely to post there in short bursts during my travels.

There’s an annual event called the Can-struction.  It’s a great charity in the form of a can sculpture stacking event where people compete and thousands of people are fed.

Photo Credit: Matt Boulton

Sure. Sometimes thousands of destitute people are fed at the event. And then other times, thousands of cans of food go into sculptures of cartoon smiley-faces gorging themselves on pellets and frightened can-ghosts.

But I’m sure the starving people respect the importance of the art. Sometimes cans of food have a higher calling, you know?

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In other news, the number of legitimate reasons to own a small, yappy dog has increased to exactly one.

Via ptitumblr, who has never met a small, yappy dog he hasn’t yub-nubbed.

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Anderson: We need to get more exposure for our act. We should make a viral video.

Roe: Yeah, but we play the piano. No one cares about pianos. I mean, sure, we play our pianos rather vehemently, but… still.

Anderson: What if we played a Star Wars song? The internet gobbles up that kind of sh*t.

Roe: Good point. I’m sure if we post a YouTube video of our playing “The Imperial March,” some hapless geek blogger will immediately post it, for fear of someone else posting it first. The rules of blogging can only work in our favor.

Anderson: Indeed. And then some kid on Tumblr will pick it up, and–because it’s something quirky having to do with Star Wars–it’ll get reposted and reposted like some kind of virtual circle-jerk. We just have to sit back and enjoy the publicity.

Roe: Does everyone know about this formula? ‘Cause it seems like more people would be doing it, if it were so obvious.

Anderson: Five words for you: George Lucas lives for royalties.

Roe: Oh, right. Well. He’d never come after a couple of innocent-faced kids like us, would he?

[Lightning strike]

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Yet.

I love that this kid dressed as Dark Helmet from Spaceballs at Star Wars Celebration IV is doing “tongue-in-cheek tribute” before he even knows what “tongue-in-cheek” means.

Via Reddit, who bets he doesn’t know what “pocket pool” means, either. Because that’s just how Reddit’s mind works.

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