As um, shall we say “difficult” as this may be to digest, it’s time for America to accept the beltway for the brothel that it is. If, by some miracle, the country finally wakes up to this reality, then it might be time to elect a real Porn Star (instead of settling for a simple streetwalker).

Call us prescient, but that is why we are putting all our estimable media power RIGHT NOW behind the next Ron Jeremy to be (whoever that may be) for President in 2012.

A candidate of this caliber will already have hosed so many people in so many ways that, frankly, they might want to try something new.

It might also be rather difficult to corrupt them with cash. After all, there is so much of it in online porn these days it seems difficult to assume they could be seduced as easily as the average Chicago Alderman.

If you think we say this all in jest please know that politics has always catered rather willingly to cockroaches. That is why the average corrupt elected official is so difficult to exterminate (with the exception of that former exterminator from Texas, miraculously.)

Which is why we ask you to seriously consider our exploratory committee to put Ron Jeremy’s protege’ in the White House. While a real Porn Star for Prez might be considered a little icky at least the august Mr. Jeremy himself was called “The Hedgehog” in his day. Which is far less filthy than a bug.

Read on.

1) The first rule of the Bad Writers Guide is there is no book.
2-3) The second rule is that while there may be a book (Fight Club was a fantasy, face it) the reviewer will not read it. This is very important to keeping maximum focus on your own prose and avoiding an emotional attachment to your subject matter (that is rule three)
4) The fourth rule is that while the reviewer shall not read the book, he or she should read the summary on Wikkipedia to get the gist of the story and, in certain instances, read sections of the book that showcase the presence of verbal pyrotechnics. Think long stretches of Thomas McGuane read aloud.
5) Recognize that while Wikkipedia is to be used to gauge the significance of a book it is not to be seen as barometer of quality. Given that most people do not read good books or simply settle for the beige reviews of powerful publishing moguls, using Wikkipedia as a tour guide to tenditious work is a suitable strategy.
6) Avoid words like “tenditious” when they are wrongly used in a sentence. On the other hand, when you consider that the average reader is often nothing more than frequenter of book clubs who is spoon fed suburban porn or repulsive social practices in backward southern states, such “big words” may be used to lure them to your your side. As long as the syntax sounds cool and chilled, ala Brett Eston Ellis, your new fans won’t ask too many questions. Plus, once they realize you have been using words that have no place in your sentences they will be too embarassed to disown you.

Think Congressman Weiner. Is it worse to have a liar exposed or to have live footage of you listening and lovin’ his every utterance?

7) Begin creating your fan club by choosing an important work that no one has actually read. This way you can immediately put the focus on what you have to say and how you say it.

While there is more to share, we suggest you get cracking right now by typing out your thoughts to something by Thomas Pynchon, or perhaps, Bethenny Frankel. While the later is not important, she has indeed perfected the art of what this little missive is all about. After all she doesn’t even read the books that others write for her.

Plus, she is supposed to give great television.

Something that, ironically, the one person most responsible for the sorry state of fiction in America is struggling to accomplish.

And may she continue to ownest less.

(This article is by Tim Kauminen and should be read by anyone who loves beer and/or living well) When I first came across Virgil Aponte’s information , I thought that I knew everything there was to know about stair training. After all, I had used them effectively as an athlete, a coach and a personal trainer. What could a P.E. teacher from New York City teach me anyway.

But, the more I read information from Mr. Aponte, the more I became impressed with what he had to say. So impressed, that I decided to give his Ultimate Stair Exercises For Fitness and Weight Loss a fair shot. Good decision on my part.

First, let me tell you that Virgil is far more than your average, ordinary gym teacher. He has also worked as a personal trainer in New York City for over 12 years and a high school physical educator for over 10 years. During these years he has helped hundreds of people from all walks of life reach their strength, fitness and health related goals.

Not only that, but in 2001 Virgil served as a baseball/conditioning coach with the New York Mets Summer Instructional Baseball Academy in Queens New York. Here he got the opportunity to work along side major league baseball coaches and players like Mookie Wilson, Howard Johnson, Bobby Ojeda and Cookie Rojas teaching baseball skills and concepts to kids ranging from 7 to 15 year olds.

Plus, in 2002 Virgil served as an assistant with the WNBA New York Liberty’s strength and conditioning staff… the same year the Liberty won the Eastern Conference Finals and played the Los Angeles Sparks in the WNBA finals. This background and experience come across in Virgil’s stair training product.

Here are the top 3 reasons that I recommend it.

1. I was excited to see that Mr. Aponte is a believer in using “real stairs” whenever possible – not jump on the latest and greatest stair climbing machine at the gym. Like me, Virgil says that these machines are O.K., but won’t give you the same results as actually moving your body weight up a real flight of steps. The experience just doesn’t compare – and neither do the results. For weight loss, muscle building, cardiovascular fitness, functional strength (or all of the above) these workouts will get you where you want to go.

2. The progressions demonstrated on Mr. Aponte’s DVD’s also impressed me. This makes the exercises powerful for you no matter what your current state of fitness. Whether you’re trying to get into shape or already performing at a high level, there are stair exercises to take you that next step. Young and old, man or woman, the progressions can move you safely from beginner to advanced – continuing to challenge you as you reach new levels of success.

3. Finally, there is enough variety in the Ultimate Stair Exercises For Fitness and Weight Loss program to keep your workouts motivational and fun for a very long time. Runs, hops, jumps, lunges in a huge number of variations and difficulty levels are presented in easy to follow demonstrations by Mr. Aponte himself. (He even includes one of my all-time favorite exercises – the stage jump – not to be confused with the stage dive…). The detail is at just the right level – giving you information on why you should use proper techniques without getting too bogged down in boring, scientific details…

All in all, I believe the Virgil Aponte has succeeded with this product to fulfill his mission of giving and sharing knowledge of strength and health with people anywhere and everywhere. If you’re looking for “real world” exercises that work (and can be done in just a few minutes just about any place you’ve got a couple of stairs), then I highly recommend you give the Ultimate Stair Exercises For Fitness and Weight Loss program a try.

Tim Alan Kauppinen, or Coach K, has over 20 years experience as an athlete and coach. He has developed champion athletes across multiple sports through speed training, strength improvement and conditioning. Coach K is the author of the Uphill Fitness Training, and publishes a FREE daily training email newsletter. Tim can be contacted through his ageless, high intensity fitness training website at http://www.makesyoufast.com

Orders are being taken by writing to us directly at groovyman.com. It looks plenty groovy on a mug, as a website badge or a very skimpy t-shirt. Make that a very small t-shirt or a very large mug that is popular with unshaven fat guys who sport ponytails. Generally in dirty coffee shops. With screaming, free wireless. And Pomo chicks.

We have always understood “post modern thought” to eschew the past–including antiquated things like human emotion, sensuality and the like. If these are the qualities of modern BMWs (which we believe they are), then our world is the less for it.

“Hit with a Bangle stick” is the frequent description of the 2000-2009 BMWs that were ostensibly designed by the American Chris Bangle but actually created by a Dutch designer named Arie Vanderwouk, or close to it.

We once had a Dutch Art Director work for us. He found our Midwestern attachment to voluptuous Swedish lovelies (wife, mom, etc.) and the beauty of the sunsets on Lake Superior outdated. They were wretchedly romantic to his post-modern mind. And while he played computer car games with abandon, he found our emotional attachment to real cars abhorrent.

To this Dutchman with an equally unpronounceable name the automobile was a transportation appliance. He appreciated the odd design flourish in all his appliances (insisted on a stunningly handsome Krupps coffemaker) but never spoke passionately about automobiles. He was also deeply offended by our propensity to personalize our own collection of rides with randy names. This may have have explained his fondness for what Coert (sounds like “hurt”) claimed to be the ultimate in design or the suits of the mid-70s East German swim team.

Or was it shot-put?

Alas, while Alfa Romeos (Gina and Melones), Caddy (Elvis) and Green Fiat (Kermit Sutra) may never have matched the cool efficiency of Coert’s favorite machines, at least they had a certain mojo. Which we think has something to do with sex.

(Photo: Kornelia Enders DDR, Montreal 1976)

As anyone who speaks American knows, there is only one King. If that King were to have given public speeches in addition to musical performances, historians pretty much agree that he would have quoted the text of his favorite advertisement that remains framed and hanging in his castle of kitsch called Graceland. (Oh, and Buckingham Palace is sophisticated?)

That ad is called The Penalty Of Leadership and it was written by a future advertising owner named Theodore McManus in 1915. Perhaps if the English monarchy were not so biased against the Irish, which as everyone also knows, are the greatest writers in English (i.e. McManus, Joyce), George coulda’ cut his early teeth on better prose and rocked it early on.

Although we would have really missed the movie. And James Franco would have taken the Oscar.