He does it to my mother with him, and thats already inappropriate. There’s only a few steps to him saying things about me.

One of the main things that brings me back here are my old confessions.

It reminds me of how far I’ve come and how wrong I was.

I’m happy now.

I’m content.

I’m not torturing myself over thoughts of him.

Well, I still do…

But he’s faded into the background.

We aren’t friends anymore and we haven’t spoken in a while. That’s not about to change either.

I’m still procrastinating with study. I quit my hellish job. I’m looking for another. I’ll be getting work experience in my line of field soon.

I am completely in love with what I am studying.

I am de-cluttering my room.

… And in turn I am de-cluttering my life.

I don’t love him anymore.

So, all in all, life’s good.

Simple, but good.

Daniela : )

And honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been more discontent with myself.
I miss how everything used to be.

I suppose its just what I’ve always said, I just cant allow myself to be happy.

one more year of these vapid, fake, shallow creatures.
one more year of being laughed at for my decisions, my personal views, my whole entire life.

then i can go to uni and get rejected there as well.

My “best friend” suddenly will ignore me no matter how I try to be nice to her. I confronted her, she denyed she was ever ignoring me and then kept doing the same. Sometimes I wish we couldve seen the effects that her relationship with her now ex bf would bring, and dont get me wrong. Im not blaming it on her bf or their relationship, but I just wish we couldve looked at the mistakes wed both make and stop it frm happening. Since she got her bf and I started to be friends with him nothing was ever the same. I also youldve expected her to tell me whats wrong for her to be like that. It saddens me, but it also pisses me the fuck off and sometimes it makes me detest her.

My grades aren’t what I wouldve expected from myself. Nothing like that. Its a lot harder than I expected, but I try hard. Ill try harder.

It’s September. I hate September. I over react, but it makes me blue. It reminds me of his death and of pain to others as well as so much tradgedy. I know its just like many other months, nothing really different, all year is full of pain and tradgedies, but it saddens me. It just does. Im now happy, a completley different person than before, but there will always be that little part inside of me that grieves just a little bit.

Oh! And he cheated! Thats right! Son of a bitch! He was drunk and,…..He kissed another guy. Yupp. A guy, I dont give a damn that he kissed a guy! I mean, who am I to judge? Its even awsome that he likes to kiss guys too lol. But he thought that because he was drunk and because it was with a guy I wouldnt feel upset? He can fuck off. Then I can kiss as many girls I want even when Im in a relationship? That would be really really awsome, but its not the way it works, not for me at least.

On the other hand, Im happy =). Me and my life time friend have been really good =). I asked her to pass the 7th with me, since I prefer not being alone since its his aniversary. I want to feel a little distracted. She said ofcourse she would and not to worry cause Id be fine.

Today, I had a litle breakdown at school. Some people to whom I never even couldve crossed a word with last year tried to make sure I was fine. It deeply disturbed me, but I apreciated them trying to help & it does show that Ive been capable of building better relationships with those around me. Specially one of my best friends, who is always there and made me feel so much better. Shes always there no matter what. So yeah. Any feeling of loneliness I ever had before are long gone. I have the best friends ever.

I got this gigantic painting of The Beatles off clearance & hanged it on my room. I LOVE it!

Then it hit me, I remembered a memory that I’ve kept repressed for so long. I too was touched by said uncle. There were two occasions I remembered he touched me, always over my clothes… one such has been engraved in my mind and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

He was throwing a party, I don’t recall who or why it was for. Being part of a Mexican family, nearly the whole family and close friends were there, and of course, beer was also present. I don’t remember how old I was… ten at the most though, but I was definitely a bit younger than that. A group of my cousins and I decided to play hide-and-seek in our uncle’s back yard. The yard was large and partly dark, he used to own a food truck and the truck blocked out a lot of the light coming in from the windows from inside the house. I decided to hide inside his food truck, and before I knew it he had followed me in there. He told me to quickly get to the back before the seeker reached zero, and being young and competitive, I agreed and went to the back. He squatted on the floor, his boots making a lot of noise, he put me in front of him and shushed me. I could smell the mixture of beer and cologne on him, it was obvious he was drunk… or at the very least buzzing. I then felt his hands rubbing against my chest, he lightly tried to grab whatever I had developed then, then right hand went down to my stomach and it kept going lower. I felt my face get hot and tears formed in my eyes. I was scared, but I didn’t make any noise… at that time I thought I would get in trouble if I made any noise. After what seemed like minutes passed we heard someone scream and laugh, the seeker had caught someone. My uncle then casually got up and left thre truck as if nothing happened… and went back to join the party.

That explains why I always try to have the least possible contact with that uncle. I never understood why I always wanted to remain at a distance from him, the most I ever do is shake his hand so I won’t come off as rude.

I didn’t tell my cousin what I remembered… I don’t know if I should. Maybe I should just keep it to myself?

I don’t know how I feel about this, how to react.

What the hell happened to me?! Last month if someone asked me if I liked myself I would’ve said yes. I thought I was a decent person, confident enough. I really did like myself.

But now? I can’t really say that. I don’t hate myself, but I don’t like myself either. What the hell? Seriously. I think about this at night, and sometimes I would just cry. I feel so fucking weak, crying so much this past month. Never in front of someone, of course. But when I’m sitting in bed at night, thinking about this, and silently shedding tears. Usually it lasts for two seconds and I look normal afterward. But still. I feel so weak, I should be stronger than this.

These insecurities… I thought I buried them in the past. I’ve always been insecure about my looks, but I thought I was decently intelligent, enough to get by. I gained confidence with time. But I suppose I didn’t bury those deep enough, because he they are, after years.

And also, Jayson asked me to be his girlfriend. I said let’s get to know each other, start out as friends at take it slow. He agreed.

So yeah, I might like him, or grow to really like him as time goes on. Crap. Liking him while feeling inadequate? Fan-fucking-tastic. I’ve never been in this situation before…

My life has never been so interesting.

Fuck this. Guess I’m being whiny.

I wonder if he whispers lullabies through the wind in angel

language telling me to stop crying,

I hear the symphony of kind and genuine words,

I see with my eyes, but look with my heart,

I want to go back in this sad story and leave a happy

ending to the last part,

I am strong and delicate.

I pretend that roses don’t have spines and that clouds don’t cry,

I feel soft & rough hands leave marks in my hearts insides.

I touch grieve with silk mittens,

I worry my life will come out exactly the way I plan,

I cry to the slightest touch of death

I am strong and delicate.

I understand that there are few things that simply arent meant to let go,

I say I need a hug,

I dream I’ll be strong enough to show my real self one day,

I try to be mysterious like fog,

I hope day the world will know the true meaning of tolerance

so we can stop the threats,

I am strong and delicate.

I wrote this for English class last week. It took me hours, I feel so much conflict with what I am and what Im not. I feel so much conflict with trying to be deeply genuine when I write for teachers that are most probably homofobic, when my sexuality is such a big part of me. It sickens me.

WRONG.

That shit is nasty.

So everyday while no one is watching I pour a little bit of the juice down the drain. I really feel guilty about it though. But it’s the only thing I though about at the time. No one else is going to drink it since they don’t drink juice that often.

My boyfriend who is one of the seldom people/things in my life that bring me real joy has two options;
Turn him self in and face 90 days or if we’re lucky community service,
Or move an hour or so away to work to earn money to pay off his warrants and only see me every once in a while when hes lucky enough to get a ride into town. :/

My grandmother who I was never really fond of is dying, and I find myself incredibly saddened by it.

I am so close to cutting.

I am being forced to give up drinking and pills.

I know it doesnt seem like much when I have it all typed out, but in my reality-
It all feels so much worse.

I don’t know what I will do without him, he is my everything.
I know Im only 15, but I plan on spending the rest of my life with this guy.
I know so many of you will doubt me, but just watch and see,
Im saying it now, Im going to marry him.

Weve shared so many things, you are like my real person, and I know youre not a virgin. I kknow sex may be really normal for you right now, but I honestly dont feel ready for it. Neither do I want to wake up the next day and regret it and feel like shit for it. Im 14 ffs! I dont wanna loose it at 14! I wanna see mroe before it. I dont just wanna do it with the first guy who offers it just because yeah.

The fact that you asked for it and didnt even plan on letting it happen by itself makes me doubt you. The fact that we have known eachother for 7 months and weve literally been physically together for 8 days and that those are almost the only times you recognized me as your lover makes me think you just want me physically. Sometimes I think you just want me for sex, though you are not too physical yourself unlike the people who I used to hang out with when I was a slut. So well see. WOuld you be patient enough to wait for it? Will you get lost now that we are appart?

Its clear that to you I’m fuckable, now show me that I’m lovable.