Guanabee

Madonna In The Favela

2009-11-13T15:32:08-08:00

Madonna is visiting Rio De Janeiro this week with sex toy Jesus Luz and the Brazilian press may as well have the Pope there with the way they are churning out up to the moment photos of her every fart. Most recently, Vadge just left Dona Marta, the favela at the foot of the hill by the same name in Rio, where children are picked off with semi-automatic weapons for sport. She visited several children’s charities there where she will no doubt donate and adopt her way to one more black baby. (Jesus got so boring when he learned how to talk.)

Click On The Photo To See A Gallery Of Madonna In Rio De Janeiro This Week

The Many Fashions of Tony Alamo

2009-11-13T15:31:33-08:00

Evangelist Tony Alamo has been sentenced to 175 years in federal prison for transporting underage girls across state lines and having sex with them. Now that Tony won’t be wearing his signature suits, let’s take a look back at the fashion styles of the man who made pedophilia look like a swinging good time.

The Married Look

Before Tony Alamo was into little girls, he married Susan Lipowitz in 1966. Guess where they got married. In Las Vegas, Nevada, the holiest of cities.

The Johnny Cash Look

This picture was taken at the banquet room of his restaurant in Alma, Arkansas. His fashion sense here borrows heavily from the original man in black, Johnny Cash. Even the hair style is identical.

The Colonel Sanders Look

Check out footage from the Tony & Susan Alamo Television Show filmed in 1972 at the historic Grand Ole Opry. This video makes us want a bucket of KFC chicken for some reason.

The Tony Bennett Look

Alamo got out of his southern phase and went straight into the suit and tie look. This outfit is more in tune with what evangelists across the board go for. Take particular notice of how much time and care went into Alamo’s hairdo. We wonder how much money he spent annually on hair products.

The Miami Vice Look

Tony Alamo’s fashion sense kept up with the times. Check out this 1986 image of the man looking like Don Johnson with that light-colored jacket and huge ass glasses.

The Jack Nicholson Look

Even in prison, Tony Alamo has still managed to take care of of his appearance. We think this look suits him perfectly. Like Jack Nicholson, Tony has the creepy smile that sends chills down your spine.

Madonna In Brazil

2009-11-13T15:22:23-08:00

Rihanna’s New “Russian Roulette” Video Leaked All Over Us

2009-11-13T14:08:03-08:00

You saw the completely non-gratuitous Diane Sawyer interview. Now see the video for the song that does not seek to make a killing off her domestic violence incident. “Russian Roulette” by Rihanna has leaked all over the internet and it’s here. And it sounds like caca.

Seriously, was this mixed through an AM transmitter?

Levi Johnston: The Movie

2009-11-13T14:06:21-08:00

Levi Johnston, also known to his countless fans as Hollywood Ricky, is in talks (with himself) to star in a movie (about himself.) Good for him!

Levi says the movie would be based on his life story (A brief synopsis: Got borned, banged Bristol Palin in the parking lot of an Arby’s, done been made a daddy, was hot, got noticed, made stupid movie) and that he would, naturally, play himself.

Also, ladies, it should be known that this burgeoning movie star is not looking for a girlfriend right at this juncture, but you’d do well to take a number and wait. That is, if you’re classy. Says Levi:

Right now I’m really not looking for a girlfriend. When the time comes, obviously I want someone smart. I don’t want no ditsy girl. I don’t need a high-class woman.

Call me.

Levi Johnston: The Movie? Bristol Palin baby daddy has big screen hopes [Gate Crasher]

Everybody Wants To Come To My Party, Uh Huh: Guanabee Party In NYC

2009-11-13T12:18:48-08:00

Attention Guanabee readers in New York City: We’re throwing a party on Tuesday, November 17 in the Village. The first ten people to email their first and last name to pr@guanabee.com, can come and bring a +1. It’s that simple. Just get your ace down here. Now play the song.

Five Weird Phobias People Have

2009-11-13T12:00:14-08:00

Today is Friday the 13th, a day considered unlucky by so many that there is a phobia for it. In honor of araskevidekatriaphobia, we’ve compiled a list of five other things people for which people have an irrational fear:

Chopsticks

Consecotaleophobia is the irrational fear of chopsticks. We’re not entirely sure why some people are afraid of the eating utensil, but we have to assume that they are the reason Chinese restaurants carry forks.

Swallowing

People who are afraid of swallowing suffer from phagophobia. In some cases, those with this condition will only eat soft foods or liquids. [Ed: Also, no bj's.] This is a shame because they’ll never get a chance to try some of our favorite foods.

Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof Of Your Mouth

Do you avoid eating peanut butter because you’re afraid that you’ll get some stuck to the roof of your mouth? Really? You’re weird. You also suffer from arachibutyrophobia.

Mothers-In-Law

Actually, this doesn’t seem all that irrational. We’re not married, but if we ever chose to take the plunge, we would undoubtedly suffer from Pentheraphobia.

Long Words

Hippopotomonstrosesqiuppedaliophobia is the fear of long words. We pity the fool who suffers from this and has to tell someone about his condition.

Balloon Boy’s Guilty Mom Won’t Be Deported, But Your Busboy Will

2009-11-13T11:40:01-08:00

Richard and Mayumi Heene, who created a media hoax last month when they told the press that their son floated away in a giant balloon, plead guilty today to a felony charge of attempting to influence a public servant and a misdemeanor count of false reporting to authorities respectively, so that Mayumi won’t be deported. Really? These are the illegal aliens we want staying in the country? Meanwhile, the guy who picked your food today still has to fear for his place here. The Heenes will be sentenced on December 23.

Balloon boy parents face sentence in December [Reuters]

Beyond The Barrio: “Bad Families” In Britain To Be Placed In Sin Bins

2009-11-13T10:55:45-08:00

British officials have come up with a new and exciting means of dealing with less-than-stellar parents whose children are at risk for turning to crime and continuing the cycle of drug use and poverty: Embarrass them, adorably.

Parents who neglect to properly care for their offspring will be placed in “sin bins” - “Family Intervention Projects” wherein families will be under intense supervision for a period of 24 hours in order to make sure they are properly feeding, educating and caring for their children.

We can’t see something like this ever happening in the U.S, where the relationship between parents and their children seems to be one the government seems hesitant to play a mediating role in, perhaps out of fear of seeming too authoritarian or Big Brotheresque.

However, regardless of one’s take on what degree the government should invest themselves in familial relationships, we wonder whether this plan is even viable. Twenty-four hours? That goes by like, what? At least once a day? We’re not sure it’s little more than a band-aid solution meant to appease the public who wonder why “those people” aren’t doing more to care for their children and keep them from becoming pregnant and giving interviews to British tabloids.

Worst families in Britain will be put in ’sin bins’ [Telegraph]

The Moon Has Water. Making NASA A Bunch Of Wetbacks.

2009-11-13T10:33:53-08:00

What do you call someone who goes into a land where they weren’t born via the river? Wetback! That’s what NASA is now that they went and blew up the moon to find out if there is water. There is! A lot of it, they say. Now they’re going to blow it up more to see if there’s life. Sounds like Houston thinking to us. (Also, how long before some enterprising a-hole starts selling “Moon Water” to everyone in Hollywood?)

Water Found on Moon, Scientists Say [New York Times]

Friday Night Lights Review: The One Where The Lions Fall Apart Again

2009-11-13T09:01:16-08:00

Okay homies, it’s time for our weekly dose of Friday Night Lights. This week’s episode, “In The Skin Of A Lion”, features a black versus white storyline that would make Spike Lee proud. Let’s kick things off:

Whatever unity the East Dillon Lions had didn’t last long. Bringing Luke Cafferty, the white running back from West Dillon, in to the mix did not sit well with Vince. The drama that ensued was good and juicy, although admittedly, the writers could have made this beef more organic and not full of cliches.

For one thing, there’s Luke. The guy keeps complaining that the coach’s decision to move him to defense will hurt his chances at earning a college scholarship. We beg to differ, Luke. You may be good at carrying the ball, but the fact of the matter is we can’t see any reputable college giving a white kid a scholarship to play running back. The coach did you a favor by switching you to linebacker, a much more believable position for a player with your set of skills. We’re also starting to dislike you. Last week you just wanted to play ball, and now you’re kind of a dick. Make up your damn mind.

On the other side of the coin, we have Vince. The kid still has trust issues. He’s starting to feel like the coach will choose Luke to be the running back. It doesn’t help that Vince’s friend tells him that the white man will always stick up for his own kind, so it’s best that they do the same. Really writers? You’re going to stick with the poor black kid from the ghetto who has abandonment issues? Come on, you’re better than that!

This conflict culminates during the Lions’ second game. Luke is running towards the end zone after an interception, and he looks like he’s clear to score until Vince purposefully misses the last blocking tackle. Taylor, justifiably pissed, chews Vince on the sideline. The coach tells his insecure black player that the reason he’s been riding him so hard is that Vince is good and he wants him to get better. Vince goes back on the field and scores the team’s first touchdown after a botched field goal. Naturally all he needed was for his white father figure to acknowledge that he is the best player on the team.

Meanwhile over at West Dillon, Buddy Garrity is leaving the Panther booster club because they’re becoming a group of vindictive assholes. That’s the not the booster club he knew, and he can’t stand it anymore. He is switching over to the dark side. We thought this storyline would be lame, but it was actually quite good, particularly Buddy’s delivery of the “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” line.

It seems the writers will start focusing mostly on what happens in East Dillon, which is good. As much as we liked this whole east versus west feud, none of the major characters are really that entrenched in the day to day of the West Dillon Panthers, so it makes sense that they would bring it all back to one place. We like where the show is going and can’t wait for next week’s episode. We hope they tackle interracial dating next.

Onion Article Reveals Lou Dobbs Has Been Living In U.S. Illegally

2009-11-13T08:41:17-08:00

The Onion has revealed that former CNN host Lou Dobbs has been living in this country illegally since 1961:

Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials on Wednesday deported Luis Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who for the last 48 years had been living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs.

God. These people.

U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs [The Onion]

Tancredible!: Tom Tancredo Says He Intends To Run For Governor Of Colorado

2009-11-13T08:21:15-08:00

Although he has yet to fill out the necessary paperwork required to run, Tom Tancredo has publicly stated he “fully intends” on running for governor of Colorado.

Tancredo, you’ll recall, unsuccessfully campaigned as a Republican candidate for the United States presidency. But that shouldn’t stop you from Not Voting for him! Let’s list some other major accomplishments Tancredo, who resigned from Congress, has under his belt:

Tancredo refused to participate in Univision’s Republican debate because it amounted to “pandering” to Spanish-speaking voters, and pandering is simply not something politicians do when campaigning.
Said he “didn’t know” whether the Obama administration hates white people. They don’t, unless they’re gay.
He warned Americans that Central American gangs will rape your children unless your fortify the border with an army of robot gryphons.
He claimed that Barack Obama may be racist for having nominated Sonia Sotomayor, who is probably secretly some sort of Central American gang member who will rape your child.
He likened the National Council of La Raza to the KKK, except with less cool outfits and slightly better weekly potlucks at which they discuss how to take over the world.
Tom Tancredo ruined Valentine’s Day.

Lucky Colorado.

Tancredo says he ‘fully intends to run’ for governor of Colorado. [Think Progress]

Will Miguel Cotto Give Manny Pacquiao A Beat Down Tomorrow?

2009-11-13T07:06:46-08:00

Miguel Cotto and Manny Pacquiao fight in Vegas tomorrow night on HBO Pay Per View. We’ll be there. We have the utmost respect for the Pride of the Phillipines, but we don’t think he’s taking this fight seriously. And Miguel Cotto is. He’s been training like a beast, getting ripped as rock and is supremely confident in his power.

[Manny] is coming from a lower weight division and if he thinks he is going to have the same power as Miguel Cotto, his thinking is very wrong.

Can Manny really be beaten? Yeah. And here’s why.

Manny’s trying to sing. On television.

Everyone in his camp wants to fire Manny’s sleazy adviser.

Manny’s trainer, fitness coach and everyone of the 250 Filipino’s on Manny’s payroll all hate Mike Koncz, Manny’s trusted adviser and exploiter.

His trainer is comparing him to Mike Tyson.

Trainer Freddie Roach is talking about Manny’s drawing power, not his punching power.

Even Mike Tyson didn’t have the drawing power that Manny has right now. The way Manny arrived the other day people were swarming to try and get a touch or a look at him.

Remember what Buster Douglas did to Tyson when he lost focus?

He’s taking advice from Jeremy Piven.

This fight isn’t a contest of douchebaggery. What the shit is Jeremy Piven doing hanging out with Manny and Freddie Roach?

He’s trying to be a movie star.

Manny is starring in a movie entitled, Wapakman, where he dresses up as a spandexed superhero and plays with children.

Look, Manny is the pound for pound king, no doubt about it. But remember, Cotto’s only lost came against shady-ass Antonio Margarito who was found with “hardened inserts caked with plaster of Paris” in his hand wraps before his very next fight against Shane Mosley. Cotto took those punches. He can take Manny’s.

Y’all think Cotto is for real? He can’t sing, but can he give Manny a beat down tomorrow night?

Paulina Rubio And Jenni Rivera Duet For A Banda Version Of “Ni Rosas Ni Juguetes”

2009-11-13T06:44:22-08:00

We’ve already heard Paulina Rubio’s much-anticipated (By us. Solely.) “No Rosas Ni Juguetes” remix featuring Miami-based rapper Pitbull, and now the singer has unveiled yet another reworking of her pop single. This time, she’s paired up with “La Diva de la Banda” herself, Ms. Jenni Rivera.

It’s a positive move that Paulina is working with different Latino artists and highlighting different genres of music - too often, we see Latino artists pairing with more mainstream stars, which, sure, is interesting and introduces these artists to a new audience, potentially, but sometimes it is nice to have artists collaborate on something that isn’t necessarily being skewed towards an English-speaking, U.S. audience.

Also? It’s rather refreshing to see Jenni Rivera interacting with another famous Latina in a way that isn’t trying to tear her down. Ahem. And ahem. In fact, Jenni told People en Español that being asked to collaborate with Paulina was an honor for her:

I felt honored that Paulina throught of me to record this song with her. I did it with a lot of joy. Even though we’re of different musical genres, we have a lot in common. Our character, our Mexican influences and our pride in being women. Recording “Ni Rosas Ni Juguetes” was an unforgettable experience.

Have a listen and let us know what you think in the comments: