Guide to World Domination

100 Things About Justin Bieber: 1-7

Leanne Heller — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 02:04:59 +0000

After being entertained by Old Spice Man (I like how he says FANTASTIC in manly, rounded tones), I realized what an impact video has on our lives. My contribution to this effort will be to watch as many Justin Bieber videos as I can find and to report the fascinating and life-changing things I have learned.

But first! If you are old like me, you might not know who Justin Bieber is. Without doing any research to validate my facts, I believe he is a Canadian pop star with godlike singing abilities and a heart of gold. Literally of gold, he may be a cyborg. I found a lead about this on Yahoo! Canadian Answers, but unfortunately, it was deleted before I could quench my thirst for knowledge.

The first Justin Bieber video I watched was the Somebody to Love Remix ft. Usher. It takes a moment to load, so in the interim, you can look at this nice picture.

Things I Have Learned

He has the ability to spawn minions at will
His song isn’t bad, actually
He is a transformer and can morph into Usher
There is fire in this video! Fire is cool!
His hat makes his head look huge like it is going to attack.
Pink fans? He dares.
Finally, the most important takeaway from this video is that Justin Bieber (or his talented stunt double) can ride a bicycle backwards. I don’t have a bicycle, but I plan to try this in my car very soon.

How to Add the Social Media to Your WordPress Blog

Leanne Heller — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 01:20:51 +0000

This post walks you through how to add Social Media functionality to your WordPress blog using the fantastic plugin Sharethis.

Part One: Get the Code

Go to Sharethis. Click on Get the Button:

ShareThings has done a great job of making an easy interface. Just follow the wizard steps:

First, you can customize Your Widget by choosing the buttons style:

Then, pick your header text and colors:

Finally, select the social media services that you want to include:

When you make changes, the preview to the right updates in real time:

Once you’re happy with your widget, choose WordPress as your service:

Then, click Get ShareThis code:

*You may need to create an account to access your code.

Now you should be on Step 3 of the ShareThis wizard, “Install.”

Part Two: Putting the ShareThis code into WordPress

This section will guide you through putting the ShareThis code into WordPress. If you’ve modified the widget at all (buttons, colors, etc.), you will need to add code to your header and then some code to your footer.

To access where you need to insert this code, log into your admin account on your WordPress blog. Click on the Appearance tab, then select “Editor.”

This will take you to a page called Edit Themes. Now look at the menu on the right. You’ll see the option for “Header (header.php).” Clicking on this will open the editing window to your header code for your WordPress site.

Before you take another step, save your header code so you can have a backup in case this breaks something else on your site and you need to restore your original code. For example, when I installed this, the style overwrote my site’s body text style, which is fixable, but annoying.

Once you have a backup file (I would just paste the original code into a text editor program), paste the header code here, but be sure to place the code between and , or it won’t work. Then, click Update File.

Now for the second piece. In the menu on the right, you also have the option to change the Main Index Template and the Single Post. First, click on the Main Index Template. Be sure to back this up, too. Add the body code provided by ShareThis, between and , wherever you would like the widget to appear on your page.

(Hint – I looked for the word “Comments” to figure out where to place this code, because I knew that my comments were under each post on my main index page. Place the ShareThis code above the code including “Comments.” Click update file.

You may need to try a couple locations, checking your main index page to see if the widget is where you want it. I also added two line breaks

after the widget code to put some space under the widget.

When you are happy with how the Main Index Template page looks, repeat the process and add the code to the Single Post page.

And, you’re done!

Thanks to ShareThis for creating this plugin, and thanks to Jon for walking me through this. =) I owe you a calzone.

Luke Skywalker’s Trash Can

Leanne Heller — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 00:32:57 +0000

I asked Jon to purchase a new trash can for the kitchen, since our old one is pretty banged up.

I was picturing a nice, normal standing can with a foot pedal, nothing fancy.

Instead, I got a trash can with a motion-detecting electric eye thing, that senses when I want to throw something out and opens its lid.

At first, I thought this was overkill. A battery-powered trash can was not ever on my things-to-buy-wishlist, but I’m starting to come around. It’s very convenient. You don’t have to do anything but stand there and toss.

Mostly, I like it because I can wave my hand near the sensor and pretend I have Jedi mind tricks. You will open your lid now. You will close your lid.

Muahahahahaha.

The sad thing is, the trash can really creeps out the baby. Every time it opens, he peeks around the corner with this concerned look on his face.

It looks like we’re going to have to watch the Star Wars trilogies a little ahead of schedule.

Image credit: stormtrooper onesie.

Maintenance Cat

Leanne Heller — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 03:26:58 +0000

I feel bad for our cats.

Sam and Horace used to be moderately pampered. They ruled the roost, were no strangers to tuna, and they went to bed in our room ever night after much petting and purring.

These days, our cats seem to be less companions and more obstacles to climb over when rushing to get the baby his bottle. They are forced to jump over a baby gate every time they wish to access their food. Arguably, this is good exercise, but I mean, what would you do if you had to scale a wall 3 times your height whenever you were hungry? You’d probably track down the wall-builder, cut him into lots of little cubes and then eat him instead.

But, the cat’s downgrade in social status truly became clear to me this morning when I was cleaning their litter box.

Not only do they have yucky Costco litter (we’re replacing that, it’s like peeing on giant blue fish tank rocks), but I noticed that the bag of food we have for them is called “Maintenance Cat.” Oh, we don’t feed our cats. We MAINTAIN them.

How did our poor treasured pets become just another thing on our to do list? Change the oil in the car, vacuum the rug, maintain the cat. And while I readily admit that purchasing this brand of cat food is not the most compassionate consumer behavior, who names their brand that? Just think. Instead of “Hungry Man” dinners or “Lean Cuisine” it would be “People Sustenance” and “Repair Your Fatties.”

It would be very interesting if suddenly, in the age of blogs, review sites and honest communication about products in public forums, marketing lost its spin. I challenge you to review the products in your home and label them exactly what they do for you and why you bought them. If you’re feeling particularly witty, post your marketing campaign here, and entertain us all.

Laugh and Learn Puppy & Other Stories

Leanne Heller — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 15:55:23 +0000

It’s a great big colorful world out there! Everything’s got a color that it can wear. Hand! Green hand! Yaaaay clap clap clap clap clap.

I am starting to dislike our Laugh and Learn Puppy dog.

Of all our toys that talk, sing, giggle and snort, the Laugh and Learn Puppy is the only one that gets on my nerves. Mainly, this is because the song takes over your mind and repeats itself, over and over.

To put this in perspective, this is including a 2 page story that repeats, “Let’s go out to play; it’s a sunny day!” and “Playtime was such fun; it’s bedtime everyone!” over and over. And a hoe-down banjo toy. And a talking octopus with a really snotty voice.

In addition to having numerous voices chasing me around the house (nothing new, they’re just outside of my head now), my emotions are still shot to heck.

During pregnancy, it was normal to cry at ads with saccharine plotlines and books where children were eaten. (Thanks, Desperate Passage.) But, Maddox and I watched Tarzan today, and I cried through the first 15 minutes of it. Baby eaten by tigers? Parents eaten by tigers and baby left all alone? Sobs, I tell you.

Possibly, both of these reactions are caused by exhaustion. A friend of mine used to say, “Plenty of time to sleep when you’re dead.” This may be true, I don’t know. But if I have to be dead before I get another 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I may have to scare up a couple of tigers and feed them Laugh and Learn Puppy.

But what the hell. It’s a great big colorful world out there (or so I’ve heard) and Mr. Maddox and I are going to go enjoy it.

Happy New Year

Leanne Heller — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 02:32:31 +0000

2009 has been an eventful year.

In May, Maddox Jaesun Heller was born, and he is amazing.

The other significant (but not quite as) event occurred in November, when Jon and I finally bought a house after over a year of searching.

Both events have taught me a lot. Here are 5 lessons I learned in 2009:

Having a kid makes you react to things differently. Movies become traumatic as you imagine your child in a similar situation to the kid on the screen. Screaming children in restaurants are less annoying. You are never bored, because you do not have the time to be bored.
Redfin is a great way to find a house. Buyers agents are terrifying when let loose, and should only be hired when they work per hour instead of per commission. You’ll consider houses with the worst possible features before coming to your senses.
Sleep, although coveted, is optional. You can function on interrupted sleep for 7 1/2 months. I’ll let you know if I pass out before I get to 8.
Hiring movers is so worth it. Having people lift my furniture and endless boxes, carry them down 3 flights of stairs out to a truck, and then carry them back into my new living space was worth every cent. These people are professionals – they actually take doors off to get your furniture inside, instead of attacking said furniture with a sawzall until it can be thrown out the window in pieces (my preferred MO).
You can never have too many boxes. Children and movers like them. Children like to sit inside them (top open – important detail there) and bang things on the sides. Movers like it when boxes are stuffed full (but not of children – also an important note) so long as the weight isn’t ridiculous. My buddy Sean at work scored me a server box to pack in – it held a baby bathtub, a jumping bouncer, 2 game console guitars, a pile of winter accessories, and I think a big tupperware cake keeper and a decent-sized fan.

So those are my pearls of wisdom from 2009. I’m not going to put baz luhrmann out of business anytime soon, not because the advice isn’t as good, but because I don’t have backup singers or a soundtrack. Maybe next year.

Happy New Year, guys, and here’s to a great 2010.

Wireless Power – How is This Not Dangerous?

Leanne Heller — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:33:40 +0000

I’ve always wanted the power to smite people. You throw your arms up in the air, call on the powers of heaven and lightening, and fry the offending party where they stand. Generally, this urge comes on when I’m driving around Salem.

Now I hear that Sony has developed wireless technology that sends electricity through the air.

While my mind is boggled – Flying invisible electricity! Get excited! – I have to ask myself. How is this not dangerous?

I understand that this is not strictly a new concept. My cell phone works, and it’s not plugged in. My laptop can connect to the internet while I wander around the room, carrying it like the surrogate child it is. But electricity just seems more intense.

Perhaps it’s an after-effect of all those Hollywood movies and storm chaser shows. I just imagine sitting calmly on my couch while bolts of lightening zap around my head, charging my electronics and periodically frying my cats.

Not being a scientist or an engineer, I’m just going to assume they’ve got this under control. Because in a related technological breakthrough covered by Apartment Therapy, there are now wireless charging mats available on amazon. And I want one.

Why? Well, practically, I could charge my electronics more efficiently. I’m a big fan of toys and I’m pretty OCD about keeping them charged. In this scenario, I’d come home, empty my pockets of gadgets and gizmos a-plenty, and drop everything on a Powermat. I wouldn’t have to plug anything in, and when I went out again, I’d just scoop everything back up and it would be magically charged.

Aesthetically, this means I could dispense with some of the cords that currently make my home an unsightly nest of plastic and wire. Also, we’re in the process of baby-proofing, and going cordless (even a little) would help a lot.

Considering the future, I am somewhat concerned. In a society with both wireless electricity conduction and tasers, it can’t be long before smiting-in-traffic is a reality.

You’ll be sitting in your vehicle, someone will cut you off, and instead of moving on with your life (or yelling obscenities out the window) you’ll press a button on your Honda Powermat Traffic Enforcer and zap the other driver from 3 car lengths away.

I fear for the world. And I’m also going to advance order any road rage related powermats stat.

Image credit: mat & taser.

Article credit: Thanks to Apartment Therapy, Jon Heller and PC World.

The Countdown of Doom

Leanne Heller — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 12:27:35 +0000

Jon and I were driving to pick up Maddox from daycare when I thought I heard Jon say “eight” and then a moment later, “seven.”

Thinking, gee, this is a weird game, but okay, I’ll play too, I started counting down from six.

From Jon’s confused reaction, I gathered that I had misheard him, and we were not in fact flexing our awesome countdown skills.

Because I figured I might as well finish what I’d started, I kept counting aloud anyway. This had an interesting effect: Jon grew progressively more alarmed with each number. I began to realize that 1) this was fun and 2) he was anticipating horrible acts when I ran out of numbers and 3) that was why it was fun.

Although I don’t want to psychoanalyze what this probably indicates about our marital relationship (if you have a hot line Jon could call, you can tweet him), I am kind of excited about the ramifications of this discovery.

I mean, who ELSE might be susceptible to this? What will happen if I start from a higher number than six? Will the increased anxiety cause people to explode? Most importantly, could you use the Countdown of Doom to take over a small country simply by implying that ominous things will occur if the clock counts down to zero?

If you think about it, LOST used a countdown to add suspense without ever explaining what would happen if the computer stopped counting down. And we all have heard a Mom disciplining her child by saying “don’t make me count to three?” God forbid she reach it, I still don’t know dire things my mother had planned.

So here’s the takeaway. I suggest that today you try counting down in front of someone, calmly but without explanation or pause. Then, let me know what happened. Please do not try this on pregnant women or people with heart conditions.

Review of Sony Baby Call Baby Monitor – 900MHZ

Leanne Heller — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 16:31:47 +0000

The Back Story:

It took awhile for me to trust our baby monitor. I didn’t believe that the voice-activate setting would work, and pictured my poor baby crying his head off in the other room.

Note: We live in a 2 bedroom apartment, and there is virtually no room in the house where you could not hear a baby from another room.

So, this is a post for all the other neurotic new moms out there who are worried that their baby monitors won’t actually allow them to monitor their babies.

Product Description

The Sony Baby Call Baby Monitor has three settings: On, off, and voice-active. The “on” setting is a bit much – you hear absolutely everything, and if your baby requires music or a white noise machine to get to sleep, this is not a benefit.

Voice-activate is smart enough to recognize a repeated sound, so it filters out the background noise. The sensitivity is good – it picks up our baby’s cries pretty early on, so he’s hasn’t reached the full-out “WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON” stage by the time we reach him.

The “send” half of the monitor plugs in, and the “receive” half has a detachable plug, so you can carry it from room to room. When the receiver needs to be charged, it beeps at you until you hunt down where you’ve put the plug and recharge the battery.

Price

The monitor costs $45 at Baby’s R Us, and there’s currently a 10% discount if you use the code 930851. It’s $42.50 on amazon, but then of course you have to ship it.

Either way, I think this is a fair price. You and your baby get security, the monitor lasts a long time so you can reuse this with each child you have (or give it to your sister) and you don’t even need to buy batteries.

Overall, the Sony Baby Call Baby Monitor has allowed me to sleep easier, and to stop making 3 minute check-ins when our baby is napping. Also, while letting our baby sleep in his own room is traumatic for Mom, it gives our baby quieter, less-interrupted sleep and will probably decrease the chances that I’ll need back surgery from contorting my body in weird shapes to protect him when he’s in our bed.

When Delayed Gratification is Okay

Leanne Heller — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 15:31:18 +0000

I hate to wait for things. I also hate to wait for people. Sometimes, when someone is explaining something, I yell at them to talk faster. I adore Jon’s Dad, because he and I can actually have conversations in which we both talk and listen at the same time. Seriously. You can quiz us afterward and we’ve processed what the other person is saying.

Once, when I was in Florida helping to create a title processor training guide for the title insurance company where I worked, in the midst of a heady brainstorming session, an exasperated co-worker cried, “talk slower!” to which I replied, completely without thinking, “hear faster!”

Everyone laughed like it was a great joke, which was fortunate, but uh, I wasn’t joking.

Anyway, I’ve finally stumbled upon a form of delayed gratification that I don’t mind, due entirely to clever marketing.

Since I live with Jon, and therefore have to keep my technological toys up to date in order to keep up with all the cool stuff he’s getting into, my laptop loads programs almost instantly. Some programs take a few seconds longer than instant, and I actually get impatient while waiting. I mean, if you’re not Adobe Photoshop, you really have no reason not to load immediately.

But one program’s load time doesn’t bother me. This is because when the program loads, the tagline is “Take a deep breath.” And I do. So, not only does that buy the program some time to load, but all that extra oxygen calms me down.

If more people incorporated sneaky relaxation techniques into their delays, it would be a different world. I mean, imagine instead of “we are experiencing technical difficulties” the announcer lead everyone in a meditative chant of “om.”

Should you attempt to take over the world, I suggest that you use this technique whenever possible. This will enable you to pacify your populace as well as to buy yourself more time to stash your treasury’s gold bars in your island slush fund. And if it’s taking you awhile to get started on your global domination, I suggest you slowly stretch your arms over your head and yawn 10 or 12 times, while taking frequent herbal tea breaks.