It’s Monday.

Some people don’t like Monday’s that much.  I am not one of those people most of the time because Monday’s are the day I get to buy a latte on my way in to work.  It is also the night after Once is on TV, which means it’s on Hulu right now.  That makes me happy.

But I digress.

For those of you who are not really Monday people I came across this last night and laughed so hard I just had to share.

Happy Monday.

Skeet Skeet guys. Skeet. Skeet.

Found on smartphOWNED.com

This past weekend was the first anniversary of ALL THE THINGS beginning with Mr. A.

A year ago I went to a party at a friend’s house and he walked in and we were like magnets.  Even though we had met each other before, something was different that night.  Everything was different that night.  We talked for hours.  At one point I told him that my earrings were too heavy, so he took them out and kissed my earlobes.  (I mean, seriously.)  A year later we have a 3 month old.  MAY THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU ALL.  Letting a boy kiss your earlobes can totally get you pregnant.  You’re welcome.

I think the most common thing married people say about marriage is that it so hard.  You have to work at it EVERY day, they say.  The first year is the hardest and you’ll fight all the time, they warn.  Blah blah blah.  When I was preparing to get married my best friend had opposing advice.  She told me that marriage was THE BEST thing ever.  She admitted that she and her husband loved it more and more every day and that being married was so much cooler than dating or even just living together.  It just keeps getting better she told me.

Well, I’m going to just say it, being married to Mr. A has been easy and lovely and I love it more with every single passing day.

From the beginning things were just easy.  We never played games.  He always wanted to know when he was going to see me next and he was very, very up front with how much he liked me.  I have always felt incredibly secure in our relationship, something that was completely uncharted territory for me.  It’s given me the confidence to be my most authentic self, and I give him all the support I can muster so that he can be exactly who he is (Someone who I think is incredibly cool, BTW).  Most of all, we like each other.  We’re solidly the best of friends; giggling together as we tip-toe into Miles’ nursery to look at his cherub face one more time before bed.

A year later we still have huge crushes on each other, and we tease each other for it.  Last night I was sitting on the couch after a shower with wet, ratty hair and no make-up casually licking the sugar and cinnamon off the bottom of the chex mix bowl with my finger when he came up and looked at me with shmoopy eyes and told me he loved me.  I laughed and said he was crazy, but over the past year it’s really started to sink in.  I believe him.  He loves me, and I love him back.

Best year EVER.

I am currently snuggled on the couch with Miles snoring on me.  It feels like a good recovery day from our first day away from each other yesterday.

So, yesterday. I dropped Miles off at day care and I didn’t cry.  That’s good right? I kept thinking to myself that Miles is a really happy, easy, well-adjusted baby so he would do just fine.  And he did.  He was great.  They love him and his dimpled grins, and apart coming home smelling like old lady he appears to be unharmed from spending 6.5 hours away from his mama.

Being back at work was interesting.  While I was gone there were massive lay offs, it seems so quiet now.  There are a ton of things that weren’t done while I was on maternity leave that need to get done, so I’ll be busy for a while.  I work at a non-profit with constantly diminishing funding.  I like that right now I can ease back into working part-time, but I am not sure how long I can remain at a job 30 minutes away that doesn’t offer any career advancement.

Mr. A and I have been laughing at everything constantly.  Before bed we have been in fits of giggles over the absolute dumbest things.  I love that guy.  I am so very grateful that I don’t have a husband that adds to me stress.  He is so incredibly thoughtful and proactive.  This weekend will be the anniversary of our first kiss.  That weekend is still so very vivid in my head.  In the first few months of our relationship whenever I couldn’t go to sleep I would replay that weekend over in my head and I would drift off happily.

Miles and I were both sick last week.  That’s the worst.  Miles had the most pathetic sounding cough and sneeze.  It is funny to us that baby coughs and sneezes sounds like real person coughs and sneezes.  It’s like he’s a real person now.
Now that we’ve passed the 12 week markers, Miles has developed a personality ovenight.  He is super vocal and smiley.  My favorite thing is that he will find Daddy in the room and follow him around.  There is no doubt that the little Bubs loves his Dad.

Miles loves Baby Einstein videos.  I am not expecting them to make him smarter or anything but I have really loved the opportunity to quickly brush my teeth and put on clothes knowing he is totally entertained in his chair sucking on his hand.

And now I leave you with video of Miles this morning.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=umeV2-G_VxM

In a week, I am scheduled to return to work.

Cue freak out tears.

I am only going back part-time, and even that is temporary as living in the bay area is just too expensive to not have two full incomes.  Miles will be in day care three days a week for six hours each day.  We found a great daycare right across the street from Mr. A’s school.  The day care provider is an older lady who is really excited about having a little one to snuggle with.  There are four other children who attend, and they seem great.  They get to play outside and eat homemade vegetable soup for lunch.  The house is full of little kid noises.  It is completely affordable and I am sure Miles will get a ton of love there.  At least, these are the things I remind myself at 2am when I start panicking over the thought of not being with my little boy all day anymore.

Miles and I have developed a routine.  We know each other perfectly.  I know his different cries, which one means he is tired and which one means he is just being a fuss-bucket.  I am afraid that this lady won’t know all of his rhythms.  She won’t know that he likes to sleep on your chest with a pinky in his mouth until he’s soothed enough and fast asleep. She won’t know what faces to make at him to make him giggle. And then soon enough she will know all about him; maybe that’s what is freaking me out the most.  He will spend most of the day with someone who is not me and I am going to miss  things.  He’s going to start crawling and talking and being a person so soon and I am so sad I have to share that with anyone.

I also know that I will probably really like being back to work, in a way.  I really like routine and meetings and having lunch with adults every day.  I feel so very conflicted about the whole thing.

The fact is that I had all these ideas and plans for work once Miles was here, and now that he is here everything is different.  If we can’t have me home with him all day then I want to have the best possible job so I can send Miles to the best possible day care while I am away from him.

Maybe I can convince my Mom to move here to take care of Miles during the day?

It’s crazy insane to think about how much this little guy changes in a month.  He has gone from a sleeping newborn to a smiley little baby.  He’s interactive now!

He had his 8 week check up yesterday and he is currently weighing in at 13.5 lbs and is 24 inches long.  He also managed to pee AND spit up on my while we were in the doctors office (take THAT teenage Miles, I am documenting all of your moments for posterity.  Welcome to your baby book.)

The first time Miles smiled at me on purpose I was sitting with him in my lap making absolutely silly faces and sounds at him.  When he broke into his dimpled grin I burst into tears while still making my silly faces at him.  He knows who I am.  He loves his Daddy.  The yellow dangly toy in his car seat is his new best friend; he will stare at that little thing forever.

Things Miles think are A-Ok:

- Bathtime!  Water!  Kicking his feet!

-Tummy time.  Getting ripped in while playing (ok, staring) at his activity gym.

-Being help high enough to see over your shoulder.  He is no longer amused staring at the wall, he wants us up and moving around so he has things to look at.

-Sucking on pinkies and his own hand.  He still hasn’t figured out how to keep a soothie in his mouth for any real period of time, so I’m stoked he’s found his hand.

-Sade II.  His seahorse still helps him get to sleep… the original Sade jumped out of my arms yesterday and committed sea horse suicide.  Poor girl sounded all minor-chord and slow.  Kind of creepy.  Mom had to go get a new Sade.

-Miles is finally getting on board with riding in his car seat, largely in part to the drive to and from San Diego for Christmas.  I think he’s just more at home there. Today we took a 4 mile walk and he was a pleasant companion the whole time.

Things Miles Could Live Without:

- Shots.  He got his first shots yesterday and has been a little whimpery and fever-y.  Poor little guy.

-Hats.  Always.  Make.  Him.  Cry.

Here is a little comparison of Miles each month with Monk Monk.

Lastly, this past week I started my gig as the new parenting writer for the website Twenties Hacker. It’s going to be a ton of fun to write, and I in the company of some of my favorite twentysomething writers.

I started 2011 in a hot tub with six bloggers. At midnight we all went around and cheers’d to the year ahead and proclaimed what we wanted for the year. I wanted 2011 to be about Boldness.

I wanted to live a vibrant life without fear.
I wanted to meet challenges head on.
I wanted to feel in love with my life, not because I’ve been lucky but because I’ve gone out and claimed what I want.

When the year began, I would have never described myself as ballsy. I liked my life, my job, my friends… but something felt hollow in it all. I felt really lucky to have the things I did, but feeling like I had everything because of lucky breaks left me feeling uneasy; I didn’t feel like I had ownership of my life.

A week after I wrote about a weekend I cried putting on a duvet cover by myself because I felt so overwhelmingly lonely, everything changed. I went to a friends house and something clicked with this guy I had known for a few months. I was scared but I wanted to live my life boldly right? Boldness didn’t mean being reckless with my heart, it meant taking the risk and opening my heart up. Being open to the big feelings; it doesn’t get much bolder than that.

Everything changed when Mr. A came into my life, and not just because I ahem got pregnant. What changed my life was how he and I responded to the pregnancy. We became a we. We decided to get married and we spent every ounce of our energy building the solid foundation we would need when our baby got here.. and it worked.

Boldness was accomplished. That is for sure.

Now, we’re beginning 2012 and I was struggling to pick a new word for the year. I have been given amazing things this past year, a husband and a son to start with. We are past the beginning stages of my life here in the bay area, of my marriage, and of my son’s life. I am now looking to take the things I have and grow them the best I can. Nourish them. Protect them. Making them a priority for my energy in 2012.

This year I want to take care of the things I have gained.

I will cultivate my marriage. In a lot of ways Mr. A and I are lucky with the way our relationship unfolded. We have always been 100% in. We never doubted each other for a second and we spent the months leading up to Miles guaranteeing we had the best possible foundation. I want to make sure Mr. A is feeling appreciated, loved, and adored as much as possible this year. I want date nights and affection. I want him to feel in his bones that he is loved; our marriage will thrive if I can do that.

I will cultivate my wee baby boy. He has a ton of growing to do this year. He’ll be walking and talking by the time 2013 rolls around. That’s crazy. I guess I want to make sure that I am having as much fun with him as possible. I don’t want to take the easy road when raising him. I want to take him to the park and get down on the floor to play with him. I want to soak in this year.

I will cultivate myself. I don’t want to get lost in all that I have to care for this year. I still have to take care of myself. This includes bath time, training for a half-marathon in May, time with friends, my writing, and anything else that feeds my soul. It’s just like those safety advisories on airplanes that tell you that in case of an emergency to put your oxygen mask on first. To take care of others I need to take care of me first.

What are YOU going to be striving for this year? Do you feel like you’re in a transitional phase of life or reaching an equilibrium?

I’m sure I am not the first person to fall off the face of the internet once the Holidays come around.  Mr. A started his vacation on the 18th and it was just so nice snuggling with him on the couch watching CSI marathons with The Wee Baby Miles.

We had three Christmas’ this year, the first was with my family at my Aunts.  Due to the whole “I was single this time last year” thing, this was the first time Mr. A got to be in on my family’s celebrations.  I love that when we’re all together there is a ton of laughter and you get the sense that we just really enjoy each other. (The official family photo this year was taken by my camera and I saved us from having to make a bajillion attempts at getting a good one.  You’re welcome Family.)

Christmas night meant firmly establishing the New Christmas Jammies rule.

On Christmas morning we woke up to open our gifts and then hopped into the car and headed to Mr. A’s parents home in San Diego.  I was so nervous that Miles would scream the whole time, but he was a joy.  I think I’ll keep him.

In San Diego, I don’t think Miles spent more than 2 minutes not in someone’s arms. I pumped a ton just so his Grandad and Grammie could bond with him over his beverage of choice.

Miles loved reading with Daddy… although the new Vonnegut biography was a bit dry for his taste.  He requested a wake up when it was time to read “Good Night Moon”. 

The night we left we got to squeeze in a quick visit with my BFF and her Hubby. Erin is Miles’ Godmother, so it was quite an important meeting. Luckily they got along well.

Hope your holiday was lovely too.  We are loving spending the couple of days before the New Year getting our apartment in order.  I have been telling myself that I had until the New Year to focus solely on Miles before entering the world again.  I am diving head first into more writing, more goals, freelancing, etc.  Thanks for all of your patience and support while I was in my little cocoon of New-Mamahood.  I am looking forward to being back.

Yesterday my mom asked me if I have been able to keep “the blues” away and I chuckled. Then I got home and read Hillary’s beautiful and honest post about the postpartum issues she has been experiencing and I knew I had to write.

As new Mama’s we have a million fears and expectations about all the changes involved in childbirth. We hear how awful labor is. We here about epidurals and emergency c-sections. We read a hundred birth stories about women’s emotions and triumphs over childbirth. I, for one, expected to have a completely magical other worldly reaction when Miles was put into my arms. I feel things pretty intensely as a rule, so I fully expected to be rendered immobile by love upon sight of him. That did not happen. I felt pain. I was in shock. I could marvel at the immensity of the moment maybe, but all those endorphins and happy feelings were absent. I felt like I had done something wrong. Somehow I forgot to push the “activate” button on all that mom love. Nobody told me I would have to wait to feel all the things.

The feelings of love came, but there have been days where I have felt very lost. Miles is 5 weeks old now and reading Hillary’s post I have felt all the same things: anxiety, guilt, and fear. I have cried a ton. I have felt intense anxiety over the the prospect of going out or being home alone. I have felt isolated. I have felt like a burden to my husband. I’ve tried to act like I hadn’t been crying. I have lost my shit.

Breastfeeding was hard and painful. There would be times that Miles would be hungry and I would cry anticipating the pain I would feel when he latched on. One night last week I had to wake Mr. A up in the middle of the night because I couldn’t stop crying and Miles was fussy and I was so overwhelmed I just couldn’t cope.

I’ve been lucky. Most of my dark emotions have not lasted long, but they could have. The line between coping and not coping seems so very narrow; all the hormones are like strong winds threatening to blow us over the edge.

I kept telling myself it would get better; that this period of adjustment sucked but would not last long. There were moments where I’ve felt like I have been holding my breathe willing the next phase to get here as quickly as possible. I don’t know what the difference is between me and someone who goes further over the edge into depression. I could point to my husband or my friends… But I bet they could too. Depression and anxiety don’t discriminate it seems, and just because I was spared the worst of it this time doesn’t guarantee that I won’t fall off the edge next time. It would only take a slight breeze.

I guess what I am saying is that having a baby is so hard, no matter how prepared you think you are, and we all need a little reassurance and kindness. If you know someone who has just had a baby, do me a favor and call them and tell them they’re doing a great job and their baby is lucky to have them. You never know how much power your simple act of kindness can have. If you’re a new mama, know you’re not alone and don’t be afraid to ask for help when things are too much for too long. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

It will get better.

Miles is one month and a day old.  To give you an idea of what life looks like with a newborn, I started working on this post over four days ago…. I win. He appears to be the same size as the day he was born, except for the three pounds he has gained in his cheeks. He’s too young to understand that his Daddy calling him “Jowly” may not be the most flattering nickname in some circles. We will have to cut that habit by the time he starts kindergarten.

One day when I was changing his diaper he  started peeing (as little boys tend to do).  Lucky for me the stream was in no way directed at me.  Unlucky for Miles the stream went directly onto his little face.  Also unlucky for Miles, his mom thought it was HILARIOUS and instead of thinking quickly and throwing a towel on him to stop the carnage I ended up in hysterics on the ground trying not to pee my pants.  Poor guy.

***

Things Miles is All About, 1 month edition.

• Boobs
• Tummy time
• His first real friend, Sade the Seahorse
• Making old man faces
• Family Dance time
• Bath time
• Santa 

Things Miles Thinks are for Suckers:

• Sleeping while not bring held
• His car seat

The best part of being “an adult” is being able to create your own holiday traditions.

Today I am starting our first holiday tradition by instituting a decedent morning for all.

Thanksgiving Morning is for: Coffee. Cinnamon Rolls. Parades. Pajamas.

Later, we will have scallops and my Grandpa’s minestrone.

So much to be thankful for this year: my husband, my son, this mimosa I’m drinking because I’m no longer pregnant.

Happy Thanksgiving All!