Habitually Random

Things I'm Thankful For

2012-11-23T07:55:00.003-05:00

Yeah, that's right, I bet y'all thought you had seen the last of the "I'm thankful for my wonderful family and friends and unicorns and rainbows" posts. Sorry suckers!

But for realsies, I'm going to post about the shit I'm REALLY thankful for.

1. I'm thankful that Thanksgiving is fucking over. I know it's the favorite holiday of many, but not mine. Thanksgiving is a painful reminder of what I don't have: family I'm actually thankful for (see Conversations with my Bipolar Mother). I've mentioned it before on the blog and those of you that know me IRL know how much my parents suck. Or rather, mostly just my mother. And since I am serially single, this is the second year in a row that I have been unfortunately forced to break bread with my mother on thanksgiving (prior to two years ago for those who were wondering I alternated between my ex-boyfriend's family and my grandmother who is no longer with us).

2. I'm thankful that even though my office is technically open until 1pm today, the majority of the office suckered themselves out of valuable vacation time by taking 8 hours off today when they only would have worked 4. This means that I can browse the ENTIRE INTERNET this morning and enjoy my coffee without having to listen to my coworkers make awkward small talk or the fax machine relentlessly beeping. Hooray for laziness and antisocialism.

3. I'm thankful that I have absolutely no reason to go shopping today. Who really wants to battle the crazy-eyed mothers trying to get the "it" toy of the moment for their kid or the idiots waiting in line for a TV that will be cheaper in February? Not me.

4. I'm thankful for Christmas movies now popping up all over TV now that Thanksgiving is over. Christmas is not nearly as much of an offensive holiday to me as Thanksgiving is, and I love me some Christmas movies. Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Christmas Vacation, Bad Santa, Elf...I love it all.

5. Last and certainly not least, I am endlessly thankful for the mass quanities of beer and wine in my fridge waiting for me to get home this afternoon. Due to the holiday, I should be home by 1:15 and that's when the fun begins! Now if only I could find some eggnog to spike, I would be set. My supermarket seems to be a little behind this year in the nog department.

Happy holidays assholes.

Conversations with my Bipolar Mother Part 3

2012-11-15T10:37:00.000-05:00

Snippets of an actual conversation with my mother between sips on her beer and long drags on her cigarette:

In case you missed it, Part 1 and Part 2.

My mother: I ran into your cousin at the grocery store this morning (even though I have a hundred cousins, I know which one she is talking about immediately because there is only one cousin she would even recognize because my parents don't typically talk to my father's side of the family).

Me: Oh yeah? Did you say hello?

My mother: Fuck no. I did what any other normal human being would do. I hid in the dog food aisle until I was sure she was gone.

Me: That sounds totally normal.

My mother: She was with a woman and they were holding hands. Is she gay now?

Me: She's been gay for years now, Mom, and that woman you saw her with was probably her wife.

My mother: Ugh. To think you have half of those genes.

Me: There's nothing wrong with being gay you know.

My mother: No but there IS something wrong with being gay AND ugly.

Me: Everybody needs love.

My mother: Some moreso than others. Speaking of that, when are you going to hurry up and get married? I can hear your clock ticking from here.

Me: I have to go fluff the couch cushions. Bye.

Conversations with my Bipolar Mother Part 2

2012-11-09T08:00:00.003-05:00

Hi there readers! (All six of you I mean). In case you couldn't tell from the title, today is going to be another recent conversation with my mother. I'm thinking about making this a regular feature on the blog. I can't commit to any specific timeline, because honestly, I don't talk to my mother all that much. So I will be posting them as I have them or as I remember conversations past.

I should add the disclaimer that my mother is in fact, bipolar, and has been perscribed medication for it. She loves making drug cocktails as well as she frequently orders painkillers off the internet from Mexico and drinks like a fish. I'm not making that up either. As you can imagine, this makes for some pretty epic conversations. So without further ado...

Snippet of an actual conversation with my mother, between her sips of beer and long drags on her cigarette:

My mother: Guess what I bought on QVC last week?

Me: $500 worth of Philosophy bath products? (I'm not being funny here, she has actually done that).

My mother: No smartass. A Keurig!

Me: Why?

My mother: Because it makes a cup of coffee in less than a minute! How cool is that?

Me: Yeah that's great and all, I have one at work, but you and Dad have been drinking instant coffee for the last thirty years. That also takes less than a minute.

My mother: Yeah well, this has all kinds of flavors and things.

Me: Yeah that's true I guess.

My mother: You know what I don't like though? You have to pay EXTRA for the little K cups to make the coffee.

Me: Um....did you think they were just going to give you a lifetime supply of free coffee just because you bought a $100 coffee maker?

My mother: I don't know, I guess not. I know you can get the little refill thingys to put your own coffee in, but I don't really know how to do that and I think it's instant coffee that you put in there anyway.

Me: Oh, like the same instant coffee you could have just put in a cup and added water to? Like you've already been doing for thirty years without the aid of a fancy machine?

My mother: You're just sooooo smart.

Me: So what kind of flavors have you been making with the Keurig?

My mother: Oh I used up all the chocolate flavored ones they sent with the machine, but I probably won't buy anymore. The K cups are just too expensive.

Me: I'm actually on my way to Starbucks. I'll call you later.

Conversations with my Bipolar Mother Part 1

2012-11-08T12:17:00.002-05:00

Snippet of an actual conversation with my mother, between her sips of beer and long drags on her cigarette:

Me: So I crossed an item off my life bucket list last week.

My mother: You're 30, you're too young to have a bucket list. That's just kind of pathetic.

Me: I don't think so. I think everyone should have a bucket list.

My mother: My bucket list consists of not living in this shitty apartment for another year.

Me: So anyway back to me...I went to go see a Broadway show in Manhattan

My mother: What did you see?

Me: Wicked!

My mother: Oh that's appropriate.

Me: (Ignoring her dig at me) I had the absolute best time, it was so much better than I ever thought it was going to be, to see a Broadway show.

My mother: I watched Rock of Ages last week. Have you seen that? Great music.

Me: Is this supposed to be a comparison?

My mother: Well, Rock of Ages is a musical.

Me: Yeah but it's totally not the same thing.

My mother: Close enough. Anyway have you seen the movie?

Me: No. Nor do I have any interest.

My mother: You should really see it. The music is just so great. And TOM CRUISE. He just has NOT aged well.

Me: So about that Broadway show I went to go see...I managed to score great tickets, ten rows back from center stage. Unfortunately I had to sit behind someone really tall.

My mother: You should just carry a booster seat around with you wherever you go. Most of the time you're going to need it anyway.

Me: Thanks Mom. Gotta go now. Bye.

Products I'm Loving

2012-10-02T07:59:00.001-04:00

Perhaps you want to know what I've been doing lately besides going on horrifically bad dates. Or maybe you don't. Either way I'm going to tell you.

I've been watching hours upon hours of endless beauty videos on YouTube. The hours upon hours is no exaggeration. YouTube always gets me with that "suggestions" side bar based on what I'm currently watching and one video turns into fifty videos and the sun has gone down.

Despite the ridiculous amount of time I have wasted, I have tried some really awesome products, finally varied my makeup routine, changed my hairstyle, and gotten some great organizational ideas for my accessories and makeup.

Let me just tell you about the great products in case you're curious.

I know I am omgsolate on this band wagon, but I finally purchased the Urban Decay Naked palette.

I am obsessed. I use it every single day. Not exclusively, but still I use at least one shadow from it each day. If you don't have this in your life, get on it. Yes, it may seem a little pricey ($49) but look at all the shadows you get. Plus it comes with an eye primer potion and a pretty decent brush.

I have been alternating between three eye shadows for the past year and a half or so and it was time for a change. Now, with this palette, every day is a different look practically depending on what I'm wearing and what look I'm going for. It was love at first application.

Another makeup product that I decided to try out at the advice of a stranger on YouTube (where would I be without the advice of someone who doesn't know me and I have never met? I would be a hideous troll using deeply discounted drugstore makeup, that's where) is the Makeup Forever HD liquid foundation.

I had been using Bare Minerals for a LONG time but unfortunately for me, as I've gotten older, I have been breaking out more than I did as a teenager. Awesome, right? So now I need more coverage to hide it and Bare Minerals just was not cutting it. I bought the Makeup Forever HD foundation and it is fantastic. The coverage is great, and it stays put all day long, even when I get a little glisten going from hoofing it to the bus stop (remember ladies, women don't sweat, they glisten). It is pretty expensive, but well worth the price in my opinion.

Next up is a new-to-me hair product that has literally changed the texture of my hair. I went back to being a medium brunette recently from blonde highlights and my hair was FRIED. Enter It's a Ten leave in treatment.

This stuff is AMAZING. My hair is soft again and doesn't feel damaged hardly at all. I loved it so much that I went out and bought the big ass bottle.

In addition to coloring my hair, I also cut quite a bit off. This has it's perks, but one thing that has changed is my hair routine. I have wavy hair and the shorter my hair is, the wavier and frizzier my hair is. When it's long, I can get away with blowdrying my hair upside down, adding some serum to the ends and going out the door. Now, I have to blowdry AND flatiron, so I decided it was probably time to be using a heat protectant.

Tresemme Heat Tamer spray is the one I tried and I love it. The important thing to remember is to brush it through and let it soak in for a few minutes. The first time I used it I didn't let it sit so my hair was slightly wet when I flatironed. When my hair sizzled I knew I had done something wrong so don't make my mistake and almost set your head on fire.

What products are you loving lately? I'm always looking for new things to try!

Second Worst Date Ever

2012-10-01T09:20:00.001-04:00

Despite last weekend's dating debacle, I decided to jump back on the horse and try it again.

Yeah I know. I'm insane. Whatever.

Anyway, I wink at a guy online who seems witty and mostly normal (I say mostly normal because everyone on a dating site has to be at least somewhat abnormal just like me). He messages me and we exchange a few emails back and forth. We make a date for Saturday and exchange numbers, leaving it that he will be in touch with me on Saturday.

So Saturday rolls around and I do my thing, errands and such, hop into the shower around 2 to give myself plenty of time to be ready in case he wants to do dinner. I do my hair, my nails, makeup, etc.

Then I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Finally at 6:30 when I haven't heard from him, I give up and throw my pajamas on and settle in for an evening on the couch with my cats and my DVR. Cue Celine Dion's "All By Myself."

At 7:45 he texts, asking if I'm around. Obviously I'm annoyed, but figure, what the hell, I've already gotten pretty, sure let's meet up. Thinking he would come meet me in my town of residence, I half heartedly suggest meeting halfway (waiting for the "no no, I will come to you") which obviously was stupid of me. He says "oh that sounds like Boston then!" What? No. I go along with it even though the last thing I want to be doing is driving into Boston on a Saturday night. I know, this makes me sound so old and fuddy-duddyish but what can I say? Going into the city when you live in the suburbs is a fucking hassle.

Then he suggests a divey sports bar in the hardest neighborhood to park in in the ENTIRE CITY.

Great first date suggest, slick. Sure, fine. Meet you there at 8:30.

After going five rounds in the only parking garage within ten blocks of the bar, I finally snag a spot, walk a mile to the damn bar and stand outside.

In the meantime, an obese man in a fedora tried to pick me up as I was waiting. Lucky me.

Finally at 8:45, I get a text saying he is running late but that he will be there in less than ten. First date and he is a half hour late. So far he is 0-3.

He finally arrives, dressed like an overgrown child (shorts, a t-shirt that is too small and a Red Sox starter jacket that he tells me is "vintage.") Ok, I guess I can overlook all this.

We sit down at a table and order a few beers. It becomes increasingly obvious to me that this guy is Boston trash. Think Whitey Bulger's nephew or something.100% Irish, with Boston sports teams tattoos, thick accent, the affinity for calling women "broads," and a hatred for Jews. He apparently also loved women with tattoos and large breasts since he couldn't stop commenting how hot the bartender was. And oh by the way....even though his profile said he didn't smoke, he was a drinking smoker, heading outside throughout the night to satisfy his habit.

Since I can appreciate all kinds of people and he was at least entertaining, I thought to myself, I'm going to ride this night out, shoot the shit with this loser, and get drunk on his dime. And I proceeded to do just that.

Apparently at one point, I had some schmutz on my chin when I came back from the bathroom, and the idiot had the balls to say that I popped a pimple for him (which I didn't, it was just some schmutz) and then proceeded to continue to bring that up repeatedly throughout the night. Clearly he thought it was sweet that I would pop a pimple just for him.

In addition, one of the times he went outside to smoke, a 23 year old kid came over to ask me if I would have sex with him. As flattering as that offer was, I declined. I would rethink this later on as it was clearly the better option since he at least was wearing a shirt that fit.

Anyway, we closed the bar and thankfully started heading down the street to what I thought was my car. He grabbed my hand to hold and I allowed it, thinking we would get to my car, do the awkward hug thing and I would be on my way, never having to see him again. Unfortunately, he had other plans. He asked me to walk with him to Copley Square to hang out for a few minutes. I wasn't feeling threatened or anything and as I said, he was at least entertaining, so I agreed.

On the way to Copley he was obviously drunk and decided to start heckling some people waiting outside the Apple store for their iPhone 5. A few other toolboxes chime in and the next thing I know they are making fun of people who are obsessed with technology, laughing it up, high fiving, etc. as I look on in annoyance.

We sat by the fountain in Copley just chatting away when he turns to me, says "fuck it" and comes flying in for a kiss that I was totally not expecting. And it was a sloppy, junior high kiss, with a lot of teeth and tongue. I instantly recoiled and shoved him away. At this point, I knew it was time to go home. He practically begged me to stay, to which I declined of course. He then asks if he totally screwed things up because he wanted to see me again. I was like....don't call me, I'll call you!!!! He apologized for his aggressive behavior and I just waved and walked away.

Second worst date ever.

Big Girls Cry...A Lot

2012-09-27T14:38:00.003-04:00

For whatever reason, I've been feeling a little emotional lately. I've always been somewhat of a crier but lately I've been crying all the time. Not like sad-my-life-sucks tears, but tears for every occasion. I've become an equal opportunity crier apparently.

As I previously posted, I went to Wicked last week. I cried at the end. Granted, it's a little sad that Glinda thinks Elphaba is dead, but not really worth crying over.

And even though I haven't talked about it on the blog yet, I started Insanity earlier this week. Well, during a workout last night, I got frustrated and cried that I couldn't do moving pushups. What?? Who cries about a workout unless you are truly pathetic and have no bigger problems?? Apparently I do. I have never cried during or over a workout before. Sure, you see them do it on the Biggest Loser but most of that is fake and what little of it is real is not related to the workout, it's related to some other issue that led them to be obese.

I even got emotional writing a nice comment on my dear friend Kacy's blog. What is THAT all about? I express my lesbian love for my friends on the regular, so this is not out of the ordinary.

Before some of you say, it's hormones, it just may be because I recently went off birth control after being on it for a good ten years. Although I consulted my calendar and PMS shouldn't be the culprit.

If THIS is what I can expect to be like all the time though, I may have to bring the birth control back. Artificial hormones that may cause cancer be damned! I would like to cross the street without letting out a little sob about the sadness of potholes.

Speaking of crying, I was randomly switching through the channels the other night when I came across the SATC episode about women crying at work. Charlotte laments how she cried at work once ten years ago and everyone had been tiptoeing around her ever since. I fear this sort of situation may be in future if things continue how they are.

God help the friends I have that have weddings, birth of children, milestone birthdays, or a long anticipated wart removal coming up because I will be a hot mess.

Repulsive Men

2012-09-26T14:11:00.001-04:00

Look at me! I'm on a blogging spree! And apparently a rhyming one as well...

Anyhoo. I have gotten into several conversations with just about anyone who will listen to me ramble about the men that I find physically repulsive.

This dates back to the 90s. Even as a teenager I had an aversion to certain men that a lot of the mass public found attractive. There have been others to come onto the scene since the original:

I mean, does it get much more disgusting than Kid Rock?

The answer is yes, actually.

Insert exhibit B. Yes, he dated Blake Lively who is one of the hottest girls in the history of everdom, but that CHEST HAIR. And his shockingly feminine cheekbones. Good for Blake for upgrading from one of the least attractive to one of the most attractive.

As vomit-inducing as Penn Badgely's chest hair is, he is still not the most phyically repulsive man in the world.

The honor goes to Russell Brand, who is so vile and disgusting that if my options were him or the extinction of the human race, I would tell the world that it's better off without humans. Everytime I even hear his name, I flash back to the scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall where he is singing "Inside of You" to Kristen Bell and I throw up in my mouth. Attention Katy Perry - you are so much better off girl.

Who do you think is the grossest man ever?

Wicked

2012-09-25T08:07:00.004-04:00

While traveling for work in New York City last week, I decided on a whim to see a Broadway show.

It has always been on my life bucket list to see a Broadway show, and what better time to go? I was in Manhattan for business, staying within walking distance of Broadway, and with money in my pocket to burn.

Once I had decided, it was just a matter of selecting which show to see. Both Lion King and Wicked have been on my must-see list for ages so it was more or less between those two. After a little research (ok...a lot of research, because I have really poor decision making abilities), I took the plunge and paid $135 for a seat 10 rows back from center stage to see Wicked.

I cannot tell you the last time I was this excited for something. Yes, it was slightly depressing to go to the theatre alone, but honestly, once the lights go down, who cares?

I walked to the theatre from my hotel (only about a 15 minute walk), taking in the sights along the way...like Rockefeller Center...

I arrived at the theatre early (not surprising, I'm early everywhere as my IRL friends will tell you). By the way, I spell and pronounce theatre in the prententious asshole way. You should too. Makes it more legit that way.

View of the wall along the stairs showing the map of Oz:

Unfortunately, while I was picking up my ticket at will-call, I noticed that tickets were still available and for considerably less money than what I paid. I was a little bummed, but knowing that I probably wouldn't have gotten the seat I had if I had waited another day made me feel a little better.

After I picked up my ticket, I went upstairs to grab a snack (family size peanut M&Ms, just for me!) and dawdled around the gift stands. I debated getting a little something for myself, like a keychain as a memento, but decided better of it. After all, I hadn't yet even seen the musical so what if I hated it?

Once I entered the theatre, however, I knew that it was going to be love at first sight. The set, even with the curtain still drawn, was amazing. This picture does not even do it justice.

I was one of the first people into the theatre since I got there so early. Once I got to my seat, I sat there smugly proud of myself for scoring an amazing seat. That is, until an extremely tall man sat directly in front of me. Most likely I was the only non-child who was child-sized, and he was the only guy tall enough to be basketball player in the entire theatre. And he sat right in front of ME. No matter. I was not going to let that spoil my fun. I leaned to the right the majority of the show and was able to see perfectly. I apologized profusely to the man to my right for invading his space, but luckily he did not seem to mind. And if he did mind, maybe he could see the look of "say anything and I will cut you" on my face and decided to remain silent. Nothing comes between me and cheesy musical songs.

So about the actual show.

Friends, there really are no words to describe the reaction I had. I have never enjoyed three hours of my life so much. I laughed, I cried (yes, literally), and my heart broke and soared a dozen times. The production was nothing short of perfection. Even though it was not the original cast, the cast I saw was just as phenomenal. I was so moved even by the first act, that I ran right out and purchased a coffee mug to commemorate my first Broadway experience.

Had things not been so expensive, thus jarring me out of my musical haze, I would've also purchased the keychain for $12 and/or one of the t-shirts that cost $40. Thankfully I came to my senses whilst seriously considering the commemorative Shiz Yearbook (who doesn't need one of these!?!?). I did however, invest in the soundtrack. I say invest because in the six days since I have been to the show, I have listened to the soundtrack no less than 50 times. That is not an exaggeration.

So in short, if you ever have the opportunity to see Wicked...run, don't walk, to the ticket booth. No matter the price or location of your seat, it is worth every penny.

Bravo.

Date with an Octopus

2012-09-24T09:04:00.000-04:00

**WARNING: This post is extremely long-winded. Proceed with caution.**

As far as dating goes, my stories in the past have been relatively tame. Aside from the one date with Drew Carey's fat cousin who had serious homosexual tendencies and the couple of dates with a guy with woman hands, I had yet to go on an actually disastrous date. That is...until this past Friday night.

I ignored all the signs and red flags, so technically I have no one to blame for this shit show other than myself.

It all started innocently enough via a dating website. Doc Oc as we will call him, messaged me. His message was friendly, not generic (meaning he actually read my profile, something most guys don't do), so I decided to respond. Within minutes, I got a response back with his phone number.

A little fast maybe? Well yes, but let me preface that by saying that I had been exchanging emails with a guy for WEEKS who I liked but just kept sending emails instead of asking for my phone number or asking to meet me, so this was actually a nice change of pace for me.

I responded back with my own number thinking I would hear from him tomorrow or in a few days. WRONG. He texted me within about 10 seconds of me hitting send (Red flag # 1). And then didn't stop texting me for about five days while I was in New York on business (Red flag # 2). A few of his texts were suggestive (Red flag # 3) but he seemed to back off with that when I didn't respond well. He also sent me a few random pictures of himself and asked me to do the same (Red flag # 4) which I did not because I felt weird doing it.

Over the course of the week we got to know each other via text. I learned that he sings. I was thinking it was cool, like he was in a band...except that it wasn't a band...it was a choir. I was talking to a choir boy. (Red flag # 5)

We made plans to go on our first date this coming Wednesday since I was going to be in New York during the week and he was going to be in DC over the weekend.

Flash forward to Friday (the week before our scheduled date). He texted me while I was on the bus about having a safe trip home. At this point I had just taken the train from New York to Boston and was sitting in the most hellacious traffic on the bus home from downtown. I responded, complaining about the traffic and how it would probably take me another hour to even get home. Doc Oc latched on like a dog with a bone. Oh you're almost home? Let's meet up TONIGHT!

I stalled, saying I might have a friend coming over but would let him know if she didn't. Basically I just wanted to buy myself some time to think about it because I was unsure I even wanted to go out with him at all since he made me a little uneasy. I consulted with some friends who told me to just go for it, what did I have to lose?

So I told him I would go, to which he replies, "great! what do you want to do?"

Seriously? It's our first date. Surprise me. (Red flag # 6)

He suggested I meet him in Davis Square, which essentially meant I would have to drive back into the city I just spent over an hour driving out of. I suggested meeting outside the city so I wouldn't have to drive back in, to which he balked a little bit (Red flag #7). Since we couldn't come to an agreement, he gave me a call to talk it out.

We decided to meet in Woburn, which was central for us both (although, he's the guy, so he should've driven to wherever I was, no questions asked). I asked him what he wanted for dinner, and he says this:

"How about the 99?"

Thinking he was kidding, I laugh and ask him for a real suggestion. Following my laughter is silence. He wasn't kidding. (Red flag # 8). He says it was in fact, a legitimate suggestion, that there was nothing wrong with the 99. At this point, I am SERIOUSLY regretting agreeing to go out with this guy...but I'm already committed so we settle on Joe's All American...which is a step up from the 99 at least.

Dinner itself is mostly ok. There are a few awkward moments where he busts into song for me, but on the whole not so bad. He jokes about my being a somewhat spoiled only child, which bothered me a bit, but I can take a little ribbing. Before our dessert arrives, we get to talking about our mutual love of movies. He suggests catching a movie after dinner, which I agree to because movies are great for spending time with someone you don't really want to talk to. Plus I love movies.

Dessert comes and goes and then comes the check. I wait. And wait. And wait. Doc Oc doesn't seem to want to pick up the check even though we have to get going if we want to make the movie. Finally, after about 20 minutes of the check just sitting there unpaid, I reluctantly pull out my wallet. I plop my card down, expecting he will tell me to put it away, but he doesn't. (Red flag #9). Instead, he pulls out some cash and throws down a $20 bill. Which is LESS than half of the bill BEFORE tip. (Red flag # 10). At this point, I am kicking myself for agreeing to this movie.

As we are walking out, he asks if we should take one car or two cars. I reply that taking one car is fine, we can just come back to the restaurant after. He then asks whose car should we take. (Red flag # 11) I reply obviously his, and make a comment about his lack of gentlemanly manners in a totally serious voice. He thinks I'm kidding and laughs. He then proceeds to start calling me "princess" in a mocking way. (Red flag # 12). This does not stop throughout the rest of the evening.

We get to the movie theatre and I stand behind him in line to ensure that he pays for our tickets. I had already resolved that if he made me pay for my own movie ticket that I was going to WALK back to the restaurant for my car and leave him to the movie alone. Luckily he took the hint...but didn't ask if I wanted popcorn or a drink or anything. Clearly if I wanted "extras" I was going to have to pay for them myself. What a guy.

The movie starts and I am excited to see it and for the fact that I no longer have to talk to my date. Five minutes into the movie is when he turns into Doctor Octopus, with arms and legs and hands ALL OVER ME. It started out with holding hands, then his arm was around me, then his hand was on leg, then he was touching my hair. I have never felt so physically uncomfortable in my life. And any other normal person would have read the signs from me. A few times he reached over for my hand and I kept my hands folded on my lap. I scooted away to the other side of my seat as much as I could. Anything to get away from his roaming hands. (Red flags # 13 - 20)

Then it happened. I felt him STARING at me. I turned toward him, which apparently he read as me wanting to kiss him. Which I didn't. He grabbed my face and sort of forced me to kiss him. I managed to pull away after a few minutes, feeling gross and violated. He sighed like he was turned on. Ew. Ew. Ew. I would like to say that it ends here but it doesn't. He proceeds to be all over me the entire 2.5 hour movie despite my best attempts at pushing him away. At one point he even pulled off a boob brush. And he continued the staring. At this point I was physically repulsed and completely skeeved out. (Countless red flags).

The movie ends and I am dreading the drive back because I know he is going to try to kiss me again. We get into the car and he starts saying all of these things as if we were already a couple and on our way down the aisle, like how he could get used to kissing me all the time and about our next date and meeting his family, etc. etc. etc.

He drives me back to my car and leans over for the kiss, to which I allow (close mouthed thankfully) and then he reaches up to feel me up. Like we are 13. I slap his hand away, which instead of making him apologetic, makes him laugh. He jokingly says he will be good (meaning, no longer try to molest me). I tell him to have a good trip and jump out of the car. I sped away as fast as I could because I was fearful that he would follow me, abduct me, keep me in his basement and wear my skin.

Worst. Date. EVER.

I'm Cultured...Sort Of

2012-09-05T08:00:00.002-04:00

So in the spirit of getting out more and doing more things to meet new people and enjoy new experiences...broaden my horizons if you will, I've been a "joiner" lately.

I was never a "joiner."

I was in the Hot Peppers (basketball team for sprouts) for about a minute in elementary school. I did chorus for a semester in junior high. In high school I was a cheerleader for a month or two.

I tell people that I have a revolving door of hobbies and interests and nothing could be more true about me. I fall in and out of love with things on a daily basis. I am an offender of using the phrase "oh I was over that last week" frequently.

Lately, however, I've stopped falling in love with things and have just been falling out of love with everything.

I can't allow this to happen.

This translates to me dragging my friends into things they begrudgingly do because they're my friends but would otherwise never consider. You know, because I can't do things alone. Like ever. Bravo to those people that can dine alone. That takes balls.

Anyway...first up on my mission to do things is a French Wine and Cheese course. My friend Emily is getting dragged into that one. The class is tonight so I will recap it for you tomorrow or the next day.

Then next week I signed myself up for a pottery class and am desperately trying to recruit Caitie to go with me so we can recreate the scene from Ghost. Yes, I know we are both girls and not into each other romantically, but I really don't care and I don't think she would either. Which is why I love her. When covered in clay with a wheel in front of you, how could we not? (Caitie, please tell me you are in!)

I will recap that for you guys as well...because my being "cultured" should be shared with the world. Mostly because nothing ever goes as planned for me and shenanigans always ensue whenever I even leave the house.

What suggestions do you guys have for fun things to try? I need more ideas.

Cleaning Out My Closet

2012-08-31T12:56:00.000-04:00

Today is the day folks.

Today...is the day I do my seasonal closet cleaning. At the start of every season, I rid my closet of the things I no longer wear, rearrange to accommodate the clothes applicable to the upcoming season, and take stock of the things I have and the things I need to buy.

I got so excited for my seasonal closet cleaning, that I actually went to bed kind of early last night so that I could wake up as soon as possible to begin the cleaning.

I know, I'm a loser. Judge away.

The first step was filling a bag of clothes to donate.

(Big target bag, not the regular small ones).

Next step is to pull out clothes that need mending and altering to take to the tailor. I don't do this nearly enough. I just "fake it" with the clothes that need mending with strategic use of safety pins and double sided tape until I get so many pieces that need alterations that it will cost me a fortune to go to the tailor. What can I say, I like dropping large sums of money.

Next step was to pull out my sweaters to hang up in the closet. Yes, I know it's 95 degrees in Boston today but whatever. Thinking about wearing cozy sweaters makes me inexplicably happy.

The last step is to evaluate the holes in my wardrobe and fill them. You know what that means...SHOPPING!!

Yesterday I decided to finally invest in a pair of riding boots.

It was a hole that needed filling clearly. Other holes to be filled in the near future are mostly basics like a white button up and a black v-neck sweater.

I love cleaning out my closet.

Did that remind anyone else of Eminem? No? Well I'm going to link to the song anyway because it's awesome.

Fall TV Picks

2012-08-10T08:03:00.001-04:00

Fall has recently become my favorite season. The only downside of course is that it's a sign that winter is fast approaching (my least favorite season...I HATE shoveling out my car and I HATE being cold). However, the very greatest thing about fall is of course, fall TV.

Fall is the time of year where I can redeem myself for selecting shows the previous fall to watch that ultimate got cancelled despite my carefully planned research as to what shows were getting the most buzz and expected to do well (I'm looking at you Pan-Am!).

This year, I have done my research. I have made charts, graphs, and full reports on the shows that I am going to add to my DVR in hopes that they will be the next Grey's Anatomy. Lucky you, who gets the benefit of all my hard work! (Please don't blame me when you fall in love with a show only to have it cancelled right before a game-changing plot point is revealed).

Anyway, here they are:

- Last Resort (ABC). Two words here. Scott Speedman. That alone is the reason to watch it, but if you need to know a silly thing like the plot or whatever, basically it's about a submarine crew that goes rogue. I'm expecting some shit to get blown up and people to drown. But most importantly...SCOTT SPEEDMAN. Thursday September 7th @ 8pm.

- The Mindy Project (FOX). I'm a little leery of this one. Whenever a comedian has a show loosely based on their lives, it never works out (see Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings). And Mindy Kaling's book really wasn't all that great, but I'm willing to give her show a shot. Tuesday September 25th @ 9:30pm.

- Nashville (ABC). Country music drama? A la Country Strong only without Garrett Hedlund? Sign me up. If only the Leighton Meester character was not played by that twat Hayden Pannittiere, I would be happier, but I am still going to tune in. Also, it's on at 10 instead of 8 or 9 which means we may get some cursing or brief nudity (but hopefully not of Hayden). WIN! Wednesday October 10th @ 10pm.

- Revolution (NBC). This show got mentioned to me by a friend and I had not even heard of it (because really, does anyone even watch anything on NBC?) but the premise sounds extremely promising. I love supernatural shit and wish Heroes had gone in a different direction (like killing off Hayden Pannettiere because obvi I hate her) so I'm excited to possibly have a show to fill that void. Monday September 17th @ 10pm.

Shows that I am going to DVR and wait to see how they do before committing:

- Arrow (CW). A superhero show that could go either way. It has the potential to be kind of awesome with all of the revenge-killing going on but also has the potential to be really stupid. Wednesday October 10th @ 8pm.

- Go On (NBC). Matthew Perry's show about losing his wife. And it's a comedy. Death is what's funny these days I guess. I like Matthew Perry and the show is getting a lot of buzz, but it has the ability to crash and burn. We will see. Tuesday September 11th at 9pm.

What will you be watching this fall?

It's Only Money...

2012-08-07T10:12:00.000-04:00

...says only people with money. Or so I've been told.

Yet I say it frequently.

I grew up on a farm in rural New Hampshire where my closest neighbors were almost a mile away. I never went without per se, but money was always a struggle for my family.

As a sort of adult on my own in college, I got my own credit cards. I bought a lot of pizza delivery, a DVD player (which back in those days was a new thing so it wasn't cheap) and a bunch of "going out" clothes. Then I never paid the bill because my work study job paid minimum wage and my parents refused to help me financially (not that they would've been able to provide much assistance anyway but add this to the list of why my parents suck) so I paid my own way through school.

It has taken me 10 years to repair the damage I did to my credit. That's the thing about college, it helps and hurts at the same time. I will be finally be paying off the last of my student loans this year and could not be happier about it. I may throw myself a "college-debt free" party. All those still paying for their ridiculously overpriced private school education are invited. It will be open bar of course. Ok I'm getting off track...

Anyway, I have been fantasizing about purchasing a car for quite some time. The car I had was technically purchased by an ex-boyfriend even though I paid the bill on it, and honestly it was the last thing tying us together. So let's just say I was eager to get rid of it.

Now being an adult with decent credit and an ample income, I decided that why the hell should I not have the exact car I have always dreamed of? So I settled on a Mustang.

But because my luck is what it is, the universe had other plans. My car died much earlier than expected, and I did not have the funds available to put down the kind of down payment that would be necessary to make the Mustang affordable on a monthly basis.

So bye bye CeCe (yes I named my car...make fun all you want, I know it's lame but I get extremely attached to inanimate objects).

So I got the next best thing...a 2012 Nissan Altima, which I leased instead of bought. This is very very exciting because I didn't think my credit was quite good enough to lease a new vehicle. And I leased it by putting down only the value of my trade in. So the down payment I did have, could go to other things.

Like this:

And these:

And this:

Clearly you can see I went on a bit of a spending spree this past weekend.

And there is a very distinct possibility that this is getting purchased today:

It's only money after all.

The Time I Almost Saw Batman

2012-07-29T19:41:00.004-04:00

In case you live in a cave and didn't already know it, Dark Knight Rises is in theatres.

Being the entertainment whore that I am, I HAD to go see it. And because I'm just that much of a snob, I couldn't go see it in the regular theatre, I had to go see it in the IMAX.

Up until about a year ago when they randomly started putting super shitty movies in IMAX instead of blockbuster type films, I had been to every IMAX movie. So let's just say I have a routine. I have "my seat" that is the perfect seat in the whole theatre and I must sit there. Every time. Or else the movie is ruined for me.

So when I am going to see an IMAX movie, I get there 90 minutes before showtime. A little psychotic? Maybe. But let me assure you, even arriving 90 minutes early, I have only been the first person in line once. So clearly I am not alone in my psychosis.

I started checking online for tickets to Dark Knight Rises ages ago and they sold out very quickly, leaving me in the lurch. The other night, I decided to check again just for shits and giggles and wouldn't you know it, they had tickets available for the late show on Thursday night (9:45pm start time). I bought them right up and convinced my friend Kristen to go.

Thursday night comes and I am there at the theatre at 8:15, about 15 people or so back from the front of the line (see, I told you I'm not the only psycho).

We get into the theatre right before show time and I score "my seat" and I look around happily and smugly at all the first timers and lazy asses who didn't get to the theatre timely enough to ensure themselves a good seat.

The movie finally starts and that first scene is KILLER. I am totally into this. About 50 minutes in (mind you, this is a 3 hour movie) the fire alarm goes off.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

S0 500 people have to make their way out ONE door. And I am PISSED. Because I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that I am either leaving the theatre without having seen the whole movie, or I am going to have to cut a bitch to ensure I get "my seat" back that I already waited 90 minutes for.

Standing outside for a good twenty minutes and I am gearing up for the ensuing fight that is sure to happen when I get back in the theatre and some asshole is sitting in my seat. I express my feeling to Kristen that I am ready to cut a bitch, who laughs in response. I tell her I'm not kidding and the laughter dies on her lips as she realizes just how serious I am about "my seat."

Finally they let us back in and we get back to our row. My seat was still empty, but Kristen's had been taken. Luckily there was an empty seat on the other side of me so we just shifted over one. Even though we managed to stay in the same place, many others did not, and you could hear snippets of discord throughout the theatre. Let's just say the environment was thick with animosity.

The alarm is still going off though they let us back in. 20 minutes later (now about 11:15 for those of you paying attention to the timeline) an usher makes the announcement that the fire department is currently trying to locate the switch for the alarm lights and we should be rolling again in ten minutes. It's at this point that they at least realize that people are angry and offer everyone a free movie pass. This of course sends the crowd into roaring cheers and applause. The masses are appeased.

But not for long.

Twenty more minutes go by and the alarm is still going and the movie is not rolling. Now Kristen is starting to complain about getting up for work tomorrow and how tired we are going to be, etc. Basically the same sentiment everyone else in the theatre is expressing.

The same usher comes back out to announce that there is some sort of mechanical issue and that they have called a technician in from Lowell...which may as well be the moon because it is almost midnight and there is no way this movie is getting going again until at least 1:30 or 2am. People in the crowd start yelling. The poor usher, sensing that a riot was about to start, offers every patron TWO free movie passes. The majority of the crowd (including myself and Kristen) take her up on the offer, take our movie passes and go.

But I will tell you this. I'm not happy about it.

Sure, I got two free passes for the price of one...but the problem with free movie passes is that you cannot purchase your tickets online, you have to go to the actual theatre to purchase your tickets. And this is not a regular theatre. This is one of only two IMAX theatres in the Boston area. So every single show sells out, especially for a huge release like the Dark Knight Rises. So basically my free movie tickets are useless.

You may ask, why don't you just go see the Dark Knight Rises at a regular movie theatre? To which I respond, because I am a pretentious asshole and would not be caught dead at a regular theatre for a movie that is being shown at the IMAX, that's why. Because if I went to the regular theatre to see it, I would sit there pissed the whole time that I was not at the IMAX.

#Firstworldproblems to be sure.

I'm So Trendy!

2012-06-18T15:49:00.002-04:00

Trends frequently come and go without me noticing. Or if I notice, I simply ignore it, because trends are fluid and ever changing, so why invest in something so short term?

This is true of fashion trends, makeup trends, accessory trends, etc.

The tangerine makeup trend? Yeah right, who actually looks good in tangerine?

The boho fashion trend? Unless you're model thin and tall, you will look more hobo than chic.

The sock bun trend? So. Much. Work.

But...I have hopped on the bandwagon for one trend recently.

The accent nail.

Sure it's sort of juvenile...but I kind of love it.

What do you think? Cool trend or so lame you can't wait until it goes away?

The Slow Fizzle

2012-06-07T19:42:00.006-04:00

We all have friends in our lives who we sort of wish weren't in our lives.

It's that friend that is basically unsupportive of every decision you make. It's that friend that calls you constantly with her drama but won't answer the phone when you're having a bad day. It's that friend that constantly cancels on you at the last minute. It's that friend that drops off the face of the earth for weeks at a time only to pop up to ask you to watch her hamster while she's away. We all have that friend.

I have at least one of those at a time. That is, until I start what I like to call the "slow fizzle."

The "slow fizzle" is when you finally decide that you no longer want to be friends with someone. You email less often. You stop asking to hang out. You want the relationship to fizzle out on it's own so as to spare the awkward conversation of "hey so, you're a sucky friend and you need to go."

The trick to the slow fizzle folks, is to stick with it. Do not backslide, because then you have to start from square one. And the slow fizzle is specifically designed to be gradual over time to give the illusion that the end of the friendship was mutual and almost unintentional. Like you just "fell out of touch." When really it was what you were going for all along without taking the blame for the demise of a friendship.

I had such a situation going on recently, where I was trying to institute the slow fizzle and she just would NOT let it happen.

It was obvious (to me at least) that we were just completely different people...and to be perfectly honest, she was just a huge bitch. And fake as shit.

So I was over our friendship. I stopped emailing. I stopped asking to hang out.

But every couple of weeks, THERE she was. In my Inbox. Or popping up on my phone. Wanting to chat. Wanting to hang out.

I mean, I thought I had mastered the slow fizzle. I invented it after all, so clearly I am an expert.

What is a girl to do in this case, when she is trying for the slow fizzle, and the contraparty doesn't seem to want to let go?

Well I will tell you.

Sometimes it's necessary to allow a backslide to happen. Have dinner/drinks with the bitch. Smile. Make jokes. Tell stories. Smile anyway even though she basically shits on everything you say and does everything she can to make you feel like you fail at life.

And then you start the slow fizzle process all over again in hopes that this time, she will get it.

In this particular instance, thankfully she finally got it. But that doesn't stop me from shamelessly cyber stalking her and being glad of her misfortunes and rolling my eyes at her ludicrous fakery (yes that's totally a word). Because that's just how I roll.

How do you know when it's time to end a friendship? How do you end it?

Carnage

2012-06-05T09:26:00.001-04:00

I've been travelling for work a lot lately, and have been leaving my little babies home alone.

My cats are pretty self-sufficient. They have an automatic feeder, which is not a problem as for other cats because neither one of them eats very much. I also leave a few different water bowls around the house when I'm gone so they don't run out of water. And of course they have the litter box.

I have always said that if by some miracle, they managed to escape and get outside, Bailey would be perfectly fine. She has cat survival instincts and is extremely independent. My other cat though, Mica, is just the opposite. She is extremely codependent and is such a pussy <---see what I did there? HA! that if she ever were to find herself outside, she would sit on the doorstep and meow until I found her and then would not leave my side for days. She's a scaredy-cat.

They don't even do typical cat things when they spot birds out the window. No meowing, no hissing, no tail flicking...they make this weird clicking noise that I have never in my life heard another cat make. It's the most bizarre thing.

Imagine my surprise several months ago when I awoke in the middle of the night to a large bang (the bang itself was not a surprise as my two little darlings do not sleep at night and instead go on a rampage to see how much shit they can destroy overnight while I'm sleeping). I come out of my room to find the two of them chasing around a little mouse. Mica caught the poor little thing in her mouth.

Vermin do not frighten or disgust me. Quite the opposite actually. I am a lover of all creatures great and small and prevent any harm coming to them at all costs. Yes, I am one of those people that cries during the ASPCA commercials. And any time I hear Sarah MacLachlan on the radio now.

Anyway, back to my story. I forced Mica to drop the mouse and I somehow managed to catch it and let it outside. After all that excitement I went back to bed and didn't think about it again.

Until last week.

I came home from being away for a few days and found a dead mouse in the livingroom. Fully in tact. Having had cats my whole life, I was very thankful that they had not dismembered it and left the guts for me as cats are known to do. Because that's just disgusting.

I picked it up and threw it outside and proceeded to unpack and go on with my business.

But then...THEN I went into the bathroom.

Clearly the mouse had been found dead in the livingroom, but had been murdered in the bathroom. (Mica in the bathroom with the wrench?)

Complete carnage. There was blood EVERYWHERE.

So much so that you would think a full sized human had been attacked by a messy vampire. There was blood on the floor, on the edge of the toilet, a smattering on the sink, spots on the bathroom rug, a pool on the tile...it was carnage. Obviously an epic battle had ensued in my bathroom.

A half hour later I managed to have cleaned up all the blood and praised the kittens for doing their kitty duty of keeping the house pest free. I knew they had to be good for something besides shedding everywhere andc clawing the furniture.

What a welcome home.

Funeral Party

2012-06-04T12:50:00.001-04:00

My family is strange.

Yeah yeah, I know everyone thinks and says their family is strange. But mine really is. Like, really.

I may or may not have mentioned the fact that my mother is bipolar, but in case I haven't, there it is. Also, all of her siblings have a mental illness in some form or another. Lucky for me, my mother doesn't speak to any of them so I don't have to either. That just leaves my Dad's side of the family. My Dad's parents actually raised me, and I had two aunts that I was very close to growing up. One aunt up and got married to a creep and moved away. The other aunt and I were close up until about five years ago.

Here is where I go all Debbie Downer on you guys.

My aunt was diagnosed with early on set Alzheimer's, and started having a variety of extreme health issues. It came as no surprise when she took a turn for the worst recently and passed away a few weeks ago. Her husband had passed 11 years ago.

When my uncle passed, my aunt decided not to have a funeral. She had him cremated and he resided on her bedside table. Not having a funeral is not so strange in and of itself, but then when my aunt passed away, the same thing occurred. My cousin (her son) opted out of a funeral.

One of my other aunts though, decided that this would not be sufficient. Enter what I have affectionately dubbed "the Funeral Party."

I understand that there is often a reception of sorts after a funeral typically. Not so unusual.

But remember, my family is strange.

Instead of having the "funeral party" at a funeral home or say, my aunt's house that organized the party, she decides that it is appropriate to host the party at my uninhabited dead grandmother's house that is currently on the market for sale. You know, with no running water or electricity. Or furniture of any kind.

So basically all of my relatives will be standing around on the lawn in rememberance of my aunt. It's possible a tent will be rented and there will be copious amounts of food and booze.

A party for a dead person at another dead person's house, yet no dead people will be in attendance. (Or, at least I don't think there will be, I don't know how long it takes to cremate a person. I don't know if my aunt will be back from the bakery or whatever they call that place in time for the party).

Guaranteed at least a few members of my family will be falling down drunk prior to arriving and a lot of unseemly sobbing will occur. Most likely from the people who didn't even like her when she was alive (i.e. my mother). Maybe even a fight or two will break out amongst my cousins.

I would not miss this shit for the world. Granted, it's nice that my aunt will be remembered, however, a "funeral party" is strange to say the least. Especially with my family involved.

That being said, I loved my aunt very much and she will be sorely missed. I hope her and my grandmother are looking down at this funeral party and mercilessly making fun of the idiots we're related to.

Random Thoughts

2012-05-29T08:39:00.000-04:00

Lots of randomness for you all today! I have been travelling a lot lately and therefore, my life has been a little boring...but because I'm still random, I have thoughts for you today.

- So I'm sort of famous now. Ok, not really, but sort of. Most of you know that I used to have this little blog called The Cookie Battle where I reviewed restaurants among other things. Well, one of the photos I took with my fancy camera at Chicago hotspot Lou Malnati's got selected to be part of a slideshow promoting the great city of Chicago. You can find it here: http://www.thecityofchicago.com/ How awesome is that??

- I am turning 30 soon. (I know, right? So old). Anyway, since I am now almost officially old, it's totally ok to be a little lame and start a bucket list for things I want to try/accomplish during my 30th year. Suggestions are welcome.

- I am obsessed with this song. OBSESSED.

- I am currently also obsessed with anything Game of Thrones. You know, because rampant sex and head removal are SO my thing. I recently finished the second book and have been dying to start the second. I was excited to finally get to it on the bus this morning when I opened up my Kindle and this happened:

Womp womp :(

- Today marks the start of yet another attempt to clean up my diet. I may or may not have had hot pockets yesterday. Artificial, empty-calorie laiden hot pockets. Fucking delicious hot pockets. I brought a salad for lunch for the first time in about a month. Veggies are necessary after the shit I've been shoving down my gullet for the last month while I've been traveling. We will see how long this "eat clean" crap lasts this time. I give it until 3pm today when the salad doesn't hold me and I am on a hunger rampage in the convenience store downstairs.

Happy sucky day after a holiday friends!

The Best TV Show Ever

2012-05-14T13:44:00.000-04:00

I recently got into a dicussion (ok, actually an argument) with a coworker about what the best TV show ever is. A quick note: we were discussing ONLY dramas, because obviously the best comedy of all time is Seinfeld. Any care to argue about that? I thought not.

I consider myself an authority on all things entertainment. I am what I affectionately call an entertainment whore. I read all the books, see all the movies, watch all the TV shows, and listen to all the music. And this spans decades, not just what is of my generation. Anyone that knows me well knows I am the human IMDB.

Therefore, when a coworker tried to tell me that the best TV show ever to air was Lost, I almost lost it. (See what I did there? I'm so funny!)

Because....just NO. Sure Lost was great...at first. But the show in it's entirety was directionless and ultimately had no point. A lot of people wax poetic about how it was a show to make you think, there were so many intricacies, etc. etc. etc. I say no. The writers just couldn't get their shit together to form a cohesive story line and tried so many different avenues that what they eventually ended up with was a jumbled mess with a finale that left me feeling empty and angry that I would never get the time back that I wasted watching the show. Which made me sad for a show that was so different from everything else on TV and had so much potential to in fact BE the best TV show ever.

So by now I'm sure you're wondering if not Lost, then what do I consider to be the best TV show ever? Well this is a complicated question. I do have a favorite, however, I also have some honorable mentions. For dramatic writing purposes and the suspense factor, I will start with the honorable mentions.

First honorable mention: 24

The first season of 24 was hands down the best single season of any show at any time. Even the second season was fantastic. Unfortunately, as time went on, the novelty that made the show so great in the first place wore off. By the end, I was only watching it out of loyalty and the hope that the final seasons would recapture the glory of the first season.

Second honorable mention: Sons of Anarchy

I hopped on this bandwagon a little late; right before season four began. The reason why this is only an honorable mention is because the show is still running and therefore, has the potential to be the best TV show ever, or tank miserably depending on the direction the show goes in. So far, even if the show tanks, I would still place it in my top 10.

Third honorable mention: Prison Break

I was intrigued by the premise of this show from the get go, and by god, it didn't disappoint. It was gripping and innovative. Unfortunately, the final season was so unbelivable and unsatisfying that it effectively killed its status as one of the best TV shows ever.

Fourth honorable mention(s): Dexter and Breaking Bad. Please refer to second honorable mention. These two shows are still running so they have yet to cement their status as the best. I will say, however, that Dexter is on the down swing for me. Much like 24, I am only continuing to watch it out of loyalty.

And NOW, the big reveal.

The best TV show EVER...

For anyone that has NOT seen The Shield, you are truly missing out. The Shield had me at hello and to this day, holds the place in my heart. There were six seasons of this show, and every episode, every season, every moment even, was consistently awesome. I have never had a show that was so consistently good every single week. It was actually one of the few shows that I did not watch on the DVR just because I could not possibly wait until the next day to watch it. If you haven't seen The Shield, Netflix it immediately. I promise you will not be sorry you did and you will be a convert. It truly is the best TV show ever.

*Note: I know the other candidates people will throw out there are The Wire and The Sopranos but as I have yet to watch The Wire (it is in my Netflix queue) I cannot comment on its awesomeness. As for The Sopranos, it also had the potential but fell far short of my expectations of it. Aside from the first two seasons and a handful of really great episodes, the series as a whole really was just not that good.

Motion Challenged

2012-05-14T10:38:00.002-04:00

When I was younger, my Dad used to make up "politically correct" phrases for certain demographics of people. For example, he would call me "vertically challenged" because I am so short. Before you gasp in horror at my own father making fun of my lack of height, keep in mind that he was very complimentary of me in almost every other way. My mother, not so much, but that's a story for another day.

One of these phrases came to mind the other day when I was driving down the road headed to the pharmacy. I saw a man in a motorized wheel chair zooming down the road. (The phrase that came to midn here was "motion challenged"). Mind you, it was a main road so I don't necessarily know how safe this situation was, but I applauded him in my head for being such a speed demon in his chair.

Flash forward about ten minutes and I am standing at the pharmacy counter having a little argument with the pharmacist about my prescription. It is at this moment that I feel something touching my behind. I turn around, expecting to have to eviscerate some creeper who gets off on groping strangers in public, but instead am looking eye to eye with nothing but air.

A noise below me brings my eyes downward and I am looking at the guy in the motorized wheelchair. Apparently what had touched my butt was his face as he was seemingly trying to get something out of the little fannypack attached to the arm of his chair. He looked up at me and smiled and let out a little laugh.

He did it on purpose!

A man in a motorized wheelchair felt me up. With his face. He clearly did not have full mobility in his arms either as he struggled with the zipper on his fanny pack, so again I applauded him in my head for having the urge to feel me up but only having one means to do so (with his face) and then going for it.

THAT folks, is tenacity.

This story really has no point but at least someone thought I was attractive enough to feel me up...so...winning?

Suicide Weight

2012-05-01T09:15:00.004-04:00

Suicide Weight (noun)

Definition: The weight at which suicide is considered because you are too fat to live.

Friends, I am 1.8lbs away from my suicide weight.

Honestly, I don't know how this happened.

Wait, yes I do. It's because of the newly opened Crumbs bakeshop down the block from my work building. It's because of the box of saltines I bought during an irrational moment where I thought that I would have enough self control not to eat an entire sleeve in one sitting. It's because of the emergence of spring and the subsequent insatiable cravings for ice cream now that the weather is warm.

Either way, it happened. And now I have to reverse it. And we all know how much easier it is to gain weight than to lose it.

In an attempt to shed some unwanted pounds, I have committed to working out almost every day.

Sunday I talked myself out of a morning spin class, but then convinced myself that I needed to get a workout in, so took myself kayaking on the Charles River for 2.5 hours. It was a gorgeous day.

I am committed to going kayaking as much as possible this summer. I really love doing it, it's a great workout, and I paid for a season pass a month ago, so everytime I go it's basically free. How's that for motivation?

But I have to be realistic here. I have never had a problem with working out. Even in weeks where I feel like doing nothing and being a complete slug, I still manage to get in at least three solid workouts. And on weeks I'm motivated? At least five or six workouts.

It's not the working out that's the problem. It's the food.

I have a fabulous weekend planned with some of my favorite ladies (Amy, Kacy, Kelly, and Jess) and I know that food is going to be a major problem. Especially since my suggestions for weekend snacks included Salt N Vinegar Pringles and frozen pizza. But I am hoping to get a workout or two in to at least counteract all the junk and booze I plan on slamming down my throat.

This Sunday marks the start of my "everything in moderation" mission. Depriving myself of what I want never works. I always end up binging after a couple of days, and it's never pretty. So starting on Sunday, I am going to have small portions of the good stuff and large portions of the stuff I should be eating more of. And I'm going to try to stop thinking about food all the time. If that's even possible.

So here's to ANOTHER weight loss journey! And I promise never to use the words "weight loss journey" again on this blog. Because they make me want to throw up my breakfast cupcakes.

Supermarket Folley

2012-04-18T18:35:00.001-04:00

Exhibit A of why going shopping hungry is a bad idea

Face Front

2012-04-04T07:52:00.000-04:00

There are numerous widely accepted principles when it comes to elevator etiquette.

First and foremost, everyone faces front.

Nearly everyone observes this standard, but sometimes there is the odd freak who does not. And it makes everyone else in the elevator uncomfortable.

There are the people that face sideways into the elevator, which is ONLY acceptable if you know everyone else on the elevator and are having a conversation. But even then, it's kind of weird. Then there are the people that get on last and face the rear because the elevator is crowded and it would be a hassle to try to shift all the way around. Again, acceptable, but still kind of weird.

The other day, I hopped onto the elevator. I was the only one in it until a hand reached in at the last minute (this is also unacceptable elevator etiquette...when the doors are almost closed, wait for the next one). I had already proceeded to the back of the elevator even though I was the only one on and I was facing front as etiquette dictates I do...but this newcomer decided to make things nice and awkward by facing the rear. So there we are. Standing face to face. Complete strangers.

I had no idea what the hell to do. Do I make eye contact? Do I start a conversation? Because clearly she is in position as if we were friendly, which we were not. I finally settled on awkwardly staring off to the side as she is facing me. But the whole time I was thinking "who does this person think she is? Facing the rear like this. There is NO ONE else in the elevator. Totally unacceptable. Maybe I should fart. That would serve her right."

After the most awkward 30 seconds of my life, the elevator stops and we both get off.

And now every time I see her waiting for the elevator, I take the stairs. Maybe that was her intention all along.

Funny enough, a similar scenario occurred at the gym the other night. There I am on the second of three rows of treadmills when a woman gets on the treadmill right in front of me and starts walking backwards.

This in itself is not odd, as I have seen people do it before and have seen several trainers have people warm up by shuffling sideways on the treadmill. However, usually if you are going to walk backwards, you do it on the last row of treadmills facing the wall. You know, so as not to make the person running behind you feel awkward.

Clearly this bitch did not get the memo on this.

So for the entire time I was sprinting and alternately walking, I had to consciously avoid eye contact with the woman walking backwards in front of me. Every once in a while we would accidentally make eye contact and she would give me a little smile. Ok. Clearly I am not in a smiling mood when I'm doing sprints. I just want to be left the hell alone in my misery. Plus I want to be able to swear to myself without someone looking at me. And let's just say I'm not the most graceful gazelle in the jungle and would rather not have witnesses.

Can someone please explain to me how people do not get the concept that you must always face front? This is not a novel concept, am I right?