The Closening הקירוב

Request for Tzedekah

2008-02-26T18:31:00.002-06:00

B"H

If you need to give tzedekah, there's a woman in Arizona that needs help supporting herself and child after having back surgery. Just thought I'd help spread the word.

8 Things Meme

2007-11-26T23:50:00.000-06:00

I was tagged by FrumHouse and Tr8erGirl

8 passions in my life

I wouldn't call them passions, but here are a few...
dwelling on haShem/daydreaming
education
trying to do what is right
computing
financing
books
food
sleep

8 things to do before I die

not be so afraid/anxious (I'm a planner/worrier)
grow in mitzvot
grow
get married
raise tzaddikim
teach my grandchildren
write a book
visit or live in Israel

8 things I often say

Hey, what's up
Dude
I thought I touldja (gotta say it in a rap star tone which is so anti-me)
aw man...
right...
well...
So...(random friend)...you got my money?
yes(...mom)

8 books I read recently

Mystics, Mavericks, and Merrymakers(fun and interesting)
Confessions of an Economic Hitman(interesting, but got weird towards the end)
Naked Eonomics(good)
The Thirteen Petalled Rose(excellent)
To Be A Jew(good, well organized)
The Path of the Righteous Gentile(well organized and referenced)
The Mystical Shape of the Godhead(a hard read but interesting)
Choosing to be Jewish(interesting perspectives)

8 songs that mean something to me

my mind is going blank since I listen to so many different types of music and many have meaning to me...

Fraggle Rock (80's show theme song)

Uptown Girl - Billy Joel

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (show theme song)

The Living Years - Mike and the Mechanics

Time - Chantal Kreviazuk

Wherever I My Roam - Metallica

Mimaamakim - Idan Raichel's Project
Shir L'Maalot

8 Qualities I look for in a friend

Kindness
Loyalty
Humor
Understanding
Discernment
Intelligence
I can't think of anything else. I try not to be too picky and those are qualities hard to find

Mock Interview

2007-11-15T16:22:00.000-06:00

I hacked a stream of my mock interview for my senior business class. The stream broke at the end, so it's not the full version, but it's the best I can do at the moment. I thought it was pretty fun if I'd show it to everyone. Plus, it shares a bit about me.

Towards the end we each answer random questions from a jar. I was nervous and the lights made it very hot and I had cotton mouth pretty bad. My voice isn't usually raspy and monotone like that. I'm not that boring sounding.

Basically, we had to dress up, get a partner, and mock interview each other and later we analyze the video and write a small critique.

As for the talking, yes, I do have a tendency to ramble and talk a lot. For instance, giving a presentation, I usually go over my time.

I'm also looking for constructive criticism!

...and yes I know I have a problem with brevity sometimes.

After Rosh haShanah...

2007-11-14T23:09:00.000-06:00

I have to get to bed and this is horribly edited, but I wanted to get this sent off...

After Rosh HaShanah, everything has turned 180 degrees about my worries. I decided not to touch my beard and figured I'd rather just get another job rather than change my identity.

My manager doesn't threaten me about my beard anymore and I only work on Sundays now, which is extra pay.

I got the computer internship where they asked me to trim my beard yet told them no. They also let me off early for Shabbat and classes. So far, I'm learning quite a bit and I get along with everyone. A couple weeks ago, I also received a raise and my desk got moved next to a huge window with a better view. I was excited about the window view because I like nature. I had to sign a nondisclosure/noncompete agreement also, but got it changed to only cover my county.

Recently I was complimented by men and women on my beard just out of the blue. I was supported by several professors on campus and now one even says "hi" to me in Hebrew. Actually, he says "ma nishma" so that's awesome. My business professors having been gaving me great resume advice.

I got to talk with a Rabbi in Chicago who I love and he gave me great advice and was very encouraging about what I'm studying and where I am. I hope I get to visit with him on break.

The person that I got into an argument with calmed down and we had a long talk. I explained to him the sheva mitzvot and how I don't think he's going to hell or something. Although I've had this conversation before with him, it takes time to sink in to let the logical implications apply. I told him that although I don't have the same beliefs as him and don't accept them, I can respect him and that I hope he can do the same.

If you get into a verbal fight, just be calm and try to respond calmly and with an open and honest heart. Humanity usually recognizes this. Even if you fear something will go wrong, know that no matter what, everything is going to end up being part of the perfect goodness that is haShem. So if you've tried your best, don't fear.

Before Rosh haShanah...

2007-10-10T18:04:00.000-05:00

There are a few things I still want to write about in another post. Namely, make a new video. However, i need to update my blog so here it is.

Things were not looking well during the month of Elul.

My employer was giving me issues about my beard again(which looks like any Chasidic male's beard). He told me I needed a letter from my Rabbi, which is bogus. I get along with everyone at work real well and everyone likes me. Although I like my manager, this was overkill on his part. I do my job well and am a good employee, so that was nonsense. I was afraid of losing my job.

So, I started to look for a different job and received a tip from a friend immediately, for a computer programming job. This job is what I need to help spring-board me into a programming career for after I graduate and their are few like it here in town. They loved my resume and heard good things from my friend. So, I had an interview yet they also had issues with my beard. I told them I'd get back with them on that. I live in a backwards part of the world.

I was very spiritually frustrated by this point, since I knew that if I played the business world's game and shaved, my employer would be happy and I'd get that new job. However, mitzvot are what give my life meaning. If I sold-out, I'd just be an empty shell of a person and end up losing my job for other reasons since I would be out of balance. I know their are Jews that shave with lift and cuts, or trim with scissors, but that's just not me.

Then I got into a fight with someone who has baseless hatred of me and causes a lot of personal problems. These problems are mainly due to their ignorance and prejudices and my inability to spend the time needed to educate them. I don't want to mention details or speak lashon hara, so I'll just say it's a struggle dealing with this person. I think that's safe isn't it? I don't fight back. I usually just get yelled at while I reply as calm and collected as I possibly can with an open heart, if I do get to speak. This usually calms the person down. I've been trying to guard my tongue better and these are instances where I especially guard. Pride can't get in the way. A lot of day to day life has been filled with such struggles, working in a public environment where I see many people. Some people just do not like Jews where I live. Try as I may and no matter how nice and committed I am, I still fail in elevating them sometimes. It's hard to touch the layer of their life that will allows things to change for them. This is a part of the concept of "orlah", and making people more sensitive to haShem.

I received a letter from my school's Financial Aid office telling me I was denied finaid for this year due to too many credit hours. To someone who has put their self through school, this was a blow to me. I needed that to go to school. The fact that I went to another school, yet they didn't transfer to my current school's degree track, left me with years' of credits that did not transfer. This is why I basically had to take four years of undergrad over again at my present school, which I'm still working towards.

Parnosa was a big problem that month. I was on seemingly uneven ground with my employer and finaid who helps with part of my tuition, wasn't helping me. I was very much considering quiting school for a semester or two, which conflicted greatly with my goals.

The month of Elul was tough. I think that's most of it, but I might remember more later. I'll post more about after Rosh haShanah and Yom Kippur later, which is a lot better. Even in the rough and uncertain times, you still have to say "Baruch haShem".

My Late Night Vision of the Future

2007-08-30T03:54:00.001-05:00

And the Lord scattered them from there upon the face of the entire earth, and they ceased building the city.

- Bereishit 11:8

I believe globalization will continue to increase. The sovereignty of countries will continue to erode as entities such as the United Nations create a New World Order much like the Tower of Bavel. This is not a conspiracy mind you. It's just part of human nature. The only reason why people think it's a conspiracy, is that economics act at a level ingrained in all humanity: the most gain, for the least amount of work. But, that is only part of the human soul, and not it's base or source. Trade will abound, along with education and networking. Knowledge almost at the speed of thought will be grasped using tools like the Internet and better networking and computing.

To maintain and increase commerce, barriers must be broken. This will eventually lead to a very efficient, but a very borderless society. Not only nationally, but personally. You will not be able to express yourself the way you would want to for the sake of the efficiency of the system. Due to the lack of borders, there will be a lack of seperation, leaving no room for objectivity toward goodness(or evil), or anything for that matter; which in Biblical terms could be viewed as holiness, or being separate, which help us view G-dliness. Holiness puts a tangible face to what our soul feels a wanting to connect with our Creator. This holiness will be crushed and with it: ideals.

However, the human condition is that a society existing at such a unity without the sense of objectivity that holiness provides, will crumble. There could be no law-making because there would be no ideals allowed to base laws from. There is no holiness. No more ideals of what we think an idyllic society should be like. No more freewill since society will already plan everything for us. Such a unified society would become a paradox. A paradox because such a unified society lacks identity and meaning, so much that it is not a society, but rather a death. A machine. A machine that will crumble due to the human soul crying out for meaning. We are not machines. Such a society will never come to fruition because the human soul will not allow it, just as the Tower of Bavel crumbled before it reached the heavens. The lack of meaning will cause a lack of valuation on everything and such an economy will not crash, but just dissolve. Man will cry out that we are not made in the image of machines, but of G-d.

The new Tower of Bavel will crumble, probably before the last brick can be placed or right there after. Humanity will flow into the ideals that it craves in search of meaning and value to life. The human soul will crave and be so sensitive to this new yearning for connection to it's source, that tribes will be formed based on this idealism, and I think that's when the final solidification of the Jewish nation will happen, and Tzion will reign.

Only when one objectifies himself with his world and expresses himself does he feel like he has meaning. This can only be done when one has holiness, a seperation in his life, that he has faith in.

Virtuality is No Substitute for Reality

2007-08-05T23:09:00.000-05:00

FrumHouse asked an interesting question about blogging:

Can and does blogging compensate for non-virtual contact? Is a blogging
community a substitute for a physical community. Are blogging friends
substitutes/replacements for offline friends?

My answer is no. Virtuality is no substitute for reality, but when there is lack of reality, I think virtuality is the next best thing. One should always seek to find actual physical friendships and communities. Also, when one has virtual friends and communities, one should also strive to bring that into reality as well, since virtuality actually is real, it's just that we have to see it for what it truly is, which are mostly words and constructs that we manifest in our mind. Most of what we do on the Internet is read, much like a book. Although slowly evolved, books are considered a technology, too, and they create a virtuality for the reader.

Also, virtual friends aren't going to help you out with the real world, nor will you be able to help them in reality. Virtuality has a limited scope. Instead of becoming schizophrenic and creating another world for the virtual, we need to try and bring everything into the real.

Art of Smoothie Making

2007-08-05T02:24:00.000-05:00

I made an impromptu howto for smoothies. I'm horrible at teaching how to make one, but I thought it would be fun for a change. It doesn't usually take that long to make.

WARNING: as of tonight(8/5/07) I burned out the blender using this method. There were sparks, black burn-out marks and a small electrical fire. There wasn't enough torque for all the fruit, so I think I may be adding in too much at once.

1/3 qrt of yogurt
3 cups fruit (more or less)
fill with orange juice
blend
enjoy

Selfishness and Valuing Others

2007-08-03T00:24:00.000-05:00

System of a Down - Aerials
(A song about selfishness. Song contains no curse words, but harsh tones)

As a child, it was hard to understand another child's life. Sometimes we would make fun of, and sometimes be made fun of. We had a lack of understanding and an inability to be compassionate. As one gets older, generally one is more able to come into understanding and meld with another. We are able to see each other's strengths and weaknesses as our childish world expands into adulthood. We find out just how needy we were. We start working in a division of labor and get our ego in check. We need each other.

As I'm older, I've come to an understanding that G-d is the only absolute existence and I'm dependent on Him alone. This is not just some cliché so please let me explain. Although everything exists, everything cannot exist on it's own. Things are interdependent on other things, and the same is true for our own existence. For instance, if all the world's farmers and equipment disappeared, we would have major problems in the world and many would die. Or if atomic particles decided to obey a different law of motion or switch polarities, we probably wouldn't even have enough time to recognize there was a problem. We'd dematerialize, sort of. If you believe in the premise of G-d, you probably believe everything has flowed, or flows from G-d and his order of things(Torah).

So, where does that leave us? It leaves us being finite beings with a seemingly infinite Creator. Our finite exists only in the scope allotted to us by G-d in the image he designed for us, and even then, it's not a true self-contained existence. Much like our bodies exist, but our bodies are really just an orchestra of (sub-?)sub-atomic particles wonderfully vibrating at certain dimensional frequencies. We are finite, defined and created by a seemingly infinite Creator.

Being finite and having an existence, we can interact with other finite existences in our scope. We can even quantify ourselves in some system, like an Intelligence Quotient. Let's assume your IQ is 100 and my IQ is 150(I wish!), and G-d's IQ is ∞. Now in respect to G-d, both IQs are...

150/∞ ≈ 0
100/∞ ≈ 0

In relation to G-d's IQ as it approaches infinity, you and I have an IQ similar to 0. In other words, the relation of your IQ and my IQ are infinitely close in relation to G-d. In the scope of just us, however, I seem so much better than you. This concept can be visually simulated by watching objects travel away from you parellel one another, like two cars speeding by you on a straight and flat stretch of road.

In the scope of G-d, for all practical purposes, your IQ is the same as mine. Yet, as I pointed out earlier, G-d is the only absolute existence, so it's only natural to include him as a reference. With this reference, my ego is squelched. Suddenly, I'm basically the same quantity as you. You and I matter just as much. Yet, in the infinity of G-d's wisdom he can tell the difference and will probably require from us just as much in our frame of reference. None-the-less, a new precedence has been set and you and I feel a closeness that spans infinity. The absolute reality of G-d hits, and my ego is in check. Our finite world on one side and G-d's infinite on the other. Both sides really exist, but only G-d's is absolute.

Now that I'm logically forced to accept you as myself in respect to the absolute, or at least a partner in this finite existence that we're infinitely close to, I'm not as good as I thought. What am I to do? I'm suddenly aware I'm naked and left to hide.

As a human in my finite scope, let's assume it's a natural desire to acquire (wealth, happiness, knowledge, peace, etc) and become whole. Seeing other people, I want to acquire them in my system of being in some way. For instance, I can label them and name them, place them in a predetermined box for convenience, or I can get to know them and thereby getting to know myself. I can do this either through looking inside myself and finding the things we have in common, or looking outside myself and expanding. Ironically, it doesn't matter where I look, just as long as I'm looking, since really we're one in the same, externally(subatomic particles traveling at the speed of light) and internally(we're created from a single source). Only my finite perception needs to be pacified which is my mental knowledge, and is very real, but none-the-less not an absolute existence. One can gain this understanding by experiencing this person. Listening to them. Reading their stories. Walking the paths in life they've walked. Doing charity work. Doing something new. It's also important to help them grow in understanding, as it makes you more fulfilled an whole. It makes it meaningful. I think this could be one reason why it says "and Adam knew Eve". He was connecting with her every being.

When you've experienced a person, you've expanded and experienced a part of yourself. As if a part of you was captive and you've redeemed it. This is probably why it feels good to do good to others. There is a part of you that you recognize in the other and it should be highly valued and cherished.

Alter Bridge - Open Your Eyes
(song I heard today that reminded me of Shema and post topic)

P.S. my last couple paragraphs might not make sense, so I'll try to clean it up tomorrow before Shabbat. I'm just really tired right now, yet want to get this posted. :-D

A Call for Friendship

2007-08-02T01:08:00.000-05:00

I'm looking for a friend. I have a lot of friends, but I have yet to find a friend that shares similar interests as me in Torah and Computers, which are probably my most meaningful areas of interest. I'm interested in Torah, because it connects to my soul. This is most important. I'm interested in computers, because it's what I'm good at and where I'll probably make my income. I want to find friendships that involve Torah and computing.

Most of my friends have different interests and life-goals than me. Although I care for my friends very much, I find my social interactions to not be as meaningful as they could be. For instance, one of my closest friends currently, is very extroverted and likes to go out, hit on women, tries to get as many phone numbers as he can and the like. Yet, deep down he wants a woman to love and respect and who will genuinely care about him, but it's obvious he goes about his quest all wrong. I try to talk to him about it, but there's no understanding and I can't break through the layers. There are similar situations with most all of my friends. I have fun with all the friends I have and I care about them, but I don't feel any meaningful advancement. Life in this reality is a lot about time and what we do with it, and I want to make sure I'm using it wisely.

Although I've been the life of some parties(not the drunken kegger kind), I'm not a party person. I like to stay home usually and learn in some way, go to a lecture, listen to a speaker, and then I like to talk about those things. Or I might rent a movie that interests me, but usually they're not silly comedies, although I find them fun from time to time. Entertainment is important, but it's not important to me on a daily basis. Usually what I like is something that expands my mind.

I like to think deep about things. For instance, I by chance watched "I, Robot" today and I thought about a lot of the philosophical dilemmas and funny quarks that many people probably don't pick up on. I really enjoy Isaac Asimov. The female doctor's name was Calvin, which is the name of a theologian. I find that ironic in a movie about sentient existence. Then near the end of the movie, Will Smith's character yells jokingly at Sunny, the robot, "Forget Calvin, save me!", which I found doubly funny, since John Calvin taught(amongst Christianity) that people weren't saved by choice, but predestined to be elected(into heaven). Anywho, my point is most people don't find this kind of stuff funny or necessarily looking deeper into things like this. I'm not really this dry, but this is a little taste of what I'm like. I'm actually the jokester, usually.

As for Torah...none of my friends like to study Torah or even read much for that matter. A lot of times I'll be hanging out with my friends and long to get back to where my books are. I've been urging some of my friends to study something with me, but to no avail.

As for computers...I'm a computer science student, so I'm going to be a bit more involved with my depth of computer studying. Where my friends and I meet in relation to computing, is getting together and having LAN parties where we play video games for hours, but that gets old and as I get older video games aren't that fun. Now, if we studied programing or something productive at these parties, I'd find it productive and meaningful and being around friends as a great means of entertainment and fellowship. At a few of our last get-togethers, I've asked if anyone wants to do something different: read a book together, program together(I even offered to teach them some programming), or just something more productive, but to avail.

So here's what I'm looking for. A friend or group of friends either on the Internet or close by who are:

interested in computing

linux/freebsd
C/C++/assembly
chat online/AIM/IRC
reads 2600 or Phrack
proof of concept hacks/exploits

interested in Torah/Judaism

Hebrew
parshah
perkei avot or some such
no missionaries please

interested in possibly making a bigger group of friends with similar interests

I'm looking for a combo of Torah and Computers. You don't have to fill all the labels, but I hope you get the picture.

Digital Social Networking

2007-07-31T18:49:00.000-05:00

Three years ago was a peak in my life of having absolutely no friends around. The friends I had were all in another town at their respective colleges, or already graduated with a job somewhere, married, etc. I literally didn't see any of my friends for semesters on end. I went to work, school and then came home. I'd speak to some friends on AIM or via email, but it's nothing like actually hanging out, knowing what is occurring in their lives, etc. Connecting to a greater network has always been a part in my reach for friendships and knowledge.

But one of the nice things about the Internet recently has been the creation of digital social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace(I recommend Facebook of the two) that help connect you with your old friends and make new ones. Also you can keep tabs on their lives and interests via XML feeds and the like, very similar to a real social network.

Coming out of a low social peak, joining and getting my friends to join a site like Facebook for instance, has been a huge increase in my social networking. I've been almost overloaded. I'm able to know what my friends are doing, where they're going, etc and also make new friends that I would have never met through existing friends. I have friends in Chicago, Israel, Portland, Kansas, all from this digital networking. I've been doing something with new or old friends on a weekly basis. It's not uncommon to ask a new friend if they're on such-and-such network, so you can add them as friends so to keep in contact further.

Living in a smaller town, such networking is essential to expanding my own network and awareness of the world around me. It broadens my horizons. Nor do I think it's just about friends. I can see such virtual networking connecting family, coworkers, groups and the like and making it a prime way of communicating. Instead of individually contacting your friends about a get-together via phone, create a group for it and invite everyone digitally.

The negatives and fears of digital networking are actually very similar to real world networking. Some people you don't want to know and sometimes you don't want to be known. A lot of this has to do with realizing your own identity in reality and connecting it to your digital/online one. When I was in middle-school and the only virtual networking around was through BBS'ing, I'd make up screennames or email addresses that I thought were fun or cool and I was more anonymous. But as the Internet hit and I progressed, I stopped with the hiding so much and came to the realization that people will find out who you are. People will actually like or dislike your online identity and people want to get to know the real you. But what happens when that online identity is just a mask and a lie of your true self? From the experience of others and of myself, I find it best to have your online presence be much like your real world presence. I think it's a maturing process.

Virtual/Digital networking is a tool that is neither good nor evil and the two worlds will blend. There will be no virtual network versus real network. It will all just be one real network again and the partition that differentiates the two labels will disentegrate. It'll just take some getting used to.

Dancer Girl

2007-07-30T01:29:00.000-05:00

...David danced with all his might before the Lord - 2 Samuel 6:14

"Now that's one hell of a beard man...how long did that take?", the bouncer nods and points approvingly at my beard as I show him my ID. I laugh and shove the ID back in my wallet, "I've had a beard for a while. You can touch it if you like". The other guards shake their heads up and down and smile. "Does it have special powers or somethin' ". "Well, it's where I stash lollipops to surprise kids with...you know I do it for the kids". "Hell yeah, you gotta do it for the kids", he brings his fist to his mouth, laughing.

Up top, they have a bar and pool tables, and most people up there chit-chat and sip their drinks. In the basement, though, it's dark, with a loud bass dance beat, mechanical lights and a bit of fog effect. It's early in the night, many party goers haven't arrived and the place is shy and quiet, with only a few people dancing while others stand around, mouthing the lyrics of their childhood.

My friends and I lean against the black wall, out of range from the dancing lights, not wanting to be seen standing there doing nothing. It's obviously fun pop music I remember from the 80's, but none of us want to be the first out on the dance floor. I notice a person next to us dressed all in black. She has a long black ruffled skirt covered all the way down to her ankles and a thick black shirt down to her wrists that hides her thin frame. Her hair is black and hides her pale and closed face. I find it amusing that she's probably dressed according to halacha for a Jewish girl. She is definitely dressed different than the other girls, who are in bright colors and mini-skirts.

Another song starts fading in and she shuffles off into the floor and starts picking up rhythm with the increasing volume. Her dance is her own. With eyes closed, her arms move and she twirls her hands, then swings them down as if yo-yos with pulses of energy shoot from their tips. She's so strange and so original and it's something I admire. One of my more extroverted friends slaps my shoulder, "Oh my goodness...check out this girl!" as he points, laughs at her and starts to walk towards her. I shoot a slight grin with a disapproving nod, "No no no...just let her be".

Here she is, doing her own thing. Not having a care in the world about these people. She doesn't seem like some immature emo type either. She just wants to be left alone. She wants to feel the music and dance. She wants to absorb this moment and forget about humanity and everyone that has hurt or confused her. This is her way of connecting with something greater than herself. She knows people stare. She knows people laugh, but that just proves she's right about them. It's how she knows what she connects to is real and no one else is. Everyone else is just dissonance. In the pluralistic society in which she was raised, she had no answers. Immersed in a world of brilliant light and color that leave her confused, she finds comfort in darkness, dampening her world from society and the "normal" life, this leaves her with a sense of clarity and focus so she won't break apart. Darkness is the only way for her to see the tiny flicker of her own soul, which is connected to something beyond herself, which is her ultimate goal. Her darkness is the protective barrier that keeps her sensitive heart from breaking and giving in. She can't live her life the way most people live. She has to connect with that part in side of her because that's all she has. It's the only way she feels truly connected with G-d. It's the only thing that's been there for her and it's the only thing that's real. She's trying to live a circumcised life in a uncircumcised world and all she finds is abrasion and pain.

Her world is like the flood of Noah all over again. I hope she keeps swimming. She goes about life, destroying and shutting out everything in her path she feels isn't connected to this path, to try to make sense of it all; creating her own Torah, her own ways, her own derech with haShem.

Later on, I lost sight of her in the crowd. I won't probably ever get to see her again or talk with her, but even so, I wish her the best in life and hope she keeps on dancing.

Please Vote on My Personal Poll

2007-07-27T13:18:00.000-05:00

I have a poll setup on my blog. I know I don't have many readers, but I'd really like people to vote. I have a lot of things I could write about on a daily basis, in a quick manner, but I'm not sure if people want to hear them or not, and I don't want to just post stuff people would think as junk.

Indiana and Dreams

2007-07-20T02:03:00.000-05:00

I commented this on someone else's blog, but I liked it enough to throw it up here:

I like a lot of songs from a lot of different genres. I've currently been listening to John McLaughlin's new album and his song "Indiana" that really touches on my current place in life. You can listen to it on his website. He's an up and coming artist who's an acquaintance of my brother.

John McLaughlin
"Indiana"

i'm glad i never lived next to the water,
so i could never get used to the beach,
and i'm glad i never grew up on a mountain,
to figure out how high the world could reach

i love the miles between me and the city,
where i quietly imagine every street,
and i'm glad i'm only picturing the moment,
i'm glad she never fell in love with me

for some the world's a treasure to discover,
and your scenery should never stay the same,
but they're trading in their dreams for explanations,
all in an attempt to entertain but

i love the miles between me and the city,
where i quietly imagine every street,
and i'm glad i'm only picturing the moment,
i'm glad she never fell in love with me

the trick of love's to never let it find you,
it's easy to get over missing out,
i know the how's and when's,
but now and then she's all i think about

i wonder how it feels to be famous,
but wonder is as far as i will go,
'cause ill probably lose myself in all the pictures,
and end up being someone i dont know,
so it's probably best i stay in Indiana,
just dreamin' of the world as it should be,
where every day is a battle to convince myself,
i'm glad she never fell in love with me

I live in a small town and have lived in many places in Indiana. I know what it means to be a Hoosier and have absolutely loved it here. Watching a multi-colored sunset across a humid field of corn and soybean or waking up to blue sky and flowering spring scents is something I'll definitely miss when I move to a Jewish community. At the same time, I visited Chicago's West Roger's Park one summer and fell in love with the community. It was so different and exciting. All the culture, shops, shuls, walking down the streets, etc. Last summer I spent almost two hours reading the titles of every book in a bookstore on Devon for the shear novelty of being in my first Jewish bookstore. Such a big city is where a lot of my dreams and fears are.

So, I'm stuck in between the world in which I live and this dream world. A part of me doesn't want to leave. A part of me wants to stay and remain ignorant and just fade away in this comfortable homeostasis. But then I don't see, too, how my future can be here. I don't think my soul would let me.

My Summer Has Begun

2007-07-17T11:23:00.000-05:00

Summer classes have ended. I can now enjoy my summer more. I have about 5 weeks before my Fall semester starts though, and there's so much I want to get done. I want to...

post about my recent trip to a community where I enjoyed my first full Shabbat
reply to Frumhouse's questions via video blog
read a bunch of books
study Hebrew grammar
exercise
sleep well
paint my "new" bedroom, as my brother is taking my old cubby whole

8 Facts About Me

2007-06-25T16:58:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by FrumHouse to list 8 facts/habits about me:

I'm a night-owl, but I love mornings. It kinda stinks, but it's true. I love waking up to dew on the ground and the sky all different colors and no one else is awake. The problem with this, is the only reason why I'm up that early though, is because I have to work. Spring is also my favorite season, next to fall.
I want to write a book. I'm not sure on what yet. It might be about leaving Christianity or some such. Also, I'm not sure if I'd want to release it.
I like simplicity and efficiency. This is also somewhat funny, since my life seems very complex and cluttered. Even as I type this, my eyes wandered to a couple stacks of books lying on my floor that I need to find a place for, along side some old CD's and computer parts. I get geeked out about very efficient systems. For instance, I really like to write very efficient programs that are fast and take up a minimal amount of space. I like to build and update operating systems from their source code, and get even more giddy when it all works flawlessly. Setting up a system to do it automatically is a plus. Also another example is I've spent hours reading about solar panels and trying to find a way to do something interesting with them (like how to power my laptop with one).
I'm part Chippewa. I'm 1/8th Chippewa(Ojibwa) and like to find interesting things about my heritage. This comes from my father's side, and I think this is one reason why my father's and my spirituality/outlook are somewhat similar.
I can wiggle both ears. I can wiggle them both at once, or one at a time. My mom thinks it's hilarious.
I like to hack. I like to mess around with low-level programming when I have the time. Lately, I haven't, but I really like to. Yes, I keep it legal. I set up a personal system and try to break into it. Nothing really hard-core, though. Mostly simple proof-of-concept things, like buffer-overflow exploits or wireless decryption (yes, your 802.11 wifi can be hacked/decrypted). It sounds complicated, and it kind of is, but it's actually intro-level stuff. Please don't ask me to hack in to your ex-girlfriend's email account, because I don't know how.
I think I'm a good teacher/tutor. I've jokingly been called "Professor" a couple times and I've had people tell me I should be a teacher. My classmates ask me questions quite a bit, especially if the class involves UNIX or the C programming language. I also try to make friends with everyone. I've been told that I "know no stranger".
I'm a hopeless perfectionist. I try not to be. A lot of things I lose motivation on if I don't feel it's being done the right way, or if I feel it wasn't designed properly, or is a waste of time. I'm actually pretty easy going, though. I try to keep my life simple, but I get so curious and I find that my interests are complex to explain. For instance, I have many books on a wide-range of topics and I can't really put myself into a box. I think one of the key things in my life is to try and simplify, prioritize and focus. I try to synthesize what I already know, but I end up becoming curious about a certain topic or area of study, and go on a tangent. I'm unsure if this is a good or bad thing. To me, my mind is more hyper than most people, who seem more linear thinking. I have a problem with focusing.

Ugh...only 8 items, yet I had more things I though of.

Connecting with My Father

2007-06-17T11:34:00.000-05:00

For all the firstborn of the children of Israel are mine, both man and beast: on the day that I smote every firstborn in the land of Egypt I sanctified them for myself.

- B'midbar 8:17

"Hey James, come here for a second. I've gotta a question for you".

"Yeah Dad, what's up?"

My father goes on to ask me why I have a beard and how no one else has a beard like mine around here and that it's not socially acceptable. He also asks me why I've been losing so much weight and that I look like one of those religious Jews you see on the TV. I kind of chuckle because I have actually been gaining a little weight. I tell him that I believe the divine image of man is to have a beard and that I want to be like the masculine figureheads of the Torah.

"When you picture Moses or Noah in your mind, do they have a beard like mine, or do you picture them shorn or something", I say somewhat rhetorically. He dodges the question a bit and says that the reason they were like that is because they didn't have scissors and razors back then. I looked puzzled and said that can't be true, because the Egyptians shaved and trimmed all the time (Rashi actually states the reason not to trim the sides of your head is to not look like the pagan priests). Then I opened his Catholic Bible and found his translation of Vayikra that says not to destroy the edges of your beard. He read not only that part, but continued reading. He was actually enjoying reading a translation of Vayikra. I was impressed. He said he agreed with a lot of the laws. He read for a while and we talked about the various laws of the next chapter or two and he lets out a sigh.

"When you were born, while in the hospital, your mother told me to give you a kiss. 'Boys don't kiss boys', I said with a grin, and your mother demanded, 'You will kiss your son!'. So, I kissed you. Later though, I made a promise to God to give you up to Him, so that you could be a Godly man no matter what."

As I exhaled, a little more air left my lungs than normal and I bowed my head. I was touched. He never said that whole story before. He always told us the part about how boys don't kiss boys in a joking way. I thanked him for doing that prayer and said that our heartfelt prayers to G-d truly have an impact in our lives. I truly believe it's that prayer and spiritual outlook towards me, that gives him the power to start looking at things objectively with me. It's a drive that I've always had and I know now where I get it from. I remember once when I was ten or so, he told me he'd like to see me become a priest. When I reflect on that moment, Shemot 19:6 speaks in my mind, "And ye shall be unto me a kingdom of priests, and an holy nation...".

I love my father very much, so I hope this understanding will continue to occur. I have that kind of connection with my father, but I don't have that kind of connection with my mother. I wish I did and even though I love her very much, it pains me that I don't.

First Impressions of Rabbis

2007-06-14T17:49:00.000-05:00

My first impressions of the Rabbis I'm talked with so far have been wonderful. They have all been very kind and knowledgeable, yet at the same time very quick, direct and to the point. I'm not used to this. I think it's just the area of the country where I live. We talk slower and probably don't sound quite as intelligent.

I also have an awe factor with Rabbis. Even one of my friends who doesn't have a smicha, but is very knowledgeable, I respect. The only Rabbis I've ever seen previously have been on TV or in movies. I didn't see a kippah-wearing Jew until last summer in Chicago. Funny and a little sad, I know. Actually talking to a Rabbi one-on-one is an absolutely new experience for me. It's a bit awe inspiring because I feel I'm in the presence of a person who haShem has ordained to teach a priestly nation. A person who is somehow connected to the same spiritual sparks that were dispersed by Moshe to the leaders of Israel ages ago, yet I still feel these sparks no matter how old they seem.

I know eventually I'll probably get over the awe and I'll find disagreements or something, but none-the-less, it's something very special initially and a feeling different than I've when talking with other religious leaders.

I've Been Talking with a Rabbi

2007-06-06T22:05:00.000-05:00

A few months ago I called a well-known, but very busy Rabbi in Manhattan. I got his voice mail, but his greeting was that he'd call back as soon as he could as long the caller leaves contact info. So, I rattle off my name, number, my wishes to convert and a bit of my life history in under 60 seconds. Then I laugh before I hang up and say "Now remember, in your message you promised to call me back!"

So he does, and I can tell that he's super busy and we talk. He tells me to call back in a couple days or so and he'll find me someone who will at least talk with me. So, I call him back once or twice and finally gives me the number to a Rabbi within my driving distance.

Finally, I call the new Rabbi and we talk off and on for a while, and it's been that way for the past couple months or so. I express my wanting to convert, but at the same time I'm somewhat timid. I check myself. I'm so used to it being just me. I don't want him to feel like I'm forcing him to work with me if he's busy. Also, I'm so used to being autonomous in my religious walk, that I'm hesitant to let someone help guide me. I also said something to him like, "Rabbi, trying to get a hold of you is like trying to ask a girl I like out on a date. You're playing hard to get". "Well, I'm just not that easy", he replied. I laughed so much. But the funny thing is, I think it's true. He's playing so hard to get.

I have some important issues though. What if I disagree with him about something? What if he tells me to do something I don't like? What if I've read things that I agree with, that tells me are wrong? I think I'm going to bring these things up next time I talk with him. I think I'm scoping him out just as much as he might be testing me.

ICZ is Watching Me

2007-06-05T13:24:00.000-05:00

I don't know why, but a "sensitive" government entity has been watching my blog on and off for the past year now. I call it "Sensitive" because it's really deemed one step below "Classified". The entity is called the Interagency Collaboration Zone and was developed for the US State Department post-9/11. The ICZ is a computer website of some sort that acts as a portal for government agencies to collaborate information. Why such an entity as the ICZ has been coming here is beyond me. Not only that, but the ICZ was supposedly halted a year later, yet it's obviously still running. If you work for the ICZ, please leave me a comment. I'd love to hear why you're interested in my blog. Thank you.

Here's some more information...

35. U.S. Department of State, State Foreign Affairs System Integration Office

Location: Washington
Industry: Government
Collaboration - John Cabral, deputy chief knowledge officer, developed the Interagency Collaboration Zone, a customizable portal for U.S. Department of State workers. Users connect to the Web site using smart cards and Entrust's PKI certificate authorities, after which they are routed to their home page with their specific applications and collaborative work spaces. And from there they can share and manage documents, participate in threaded discussions, conference in real time, and perform context-based searches. This collaboration zone took $17 million and nine months to build, using a variety of technologies including Vignette's enterprise application portal and content management server, Ezenia's InfoWorkSpace, Accenture's eGovernment Accelerator, and iPlanet's Directory Services.
www.state.gov

Dreaming of Drowning

2007-06-05T00:25:00.000-05:00

Lately I’ve been having a recurring dream where I fall into what I think is a shallow pool of water. As a splash in, I feel like I’m having fun in the coolness, but when I open my eyes under the water, I see that it’s not shallow at all, but a crystal clear, dark depth. Complete silence. Nor do I buoy to the service after I fall. Rather, I start to accelerate downwards, to find that the reason is multiple layers of a nice outfit I’m wearing, now soaked and clinging to almost every inch of my body. At first, I frantically go to unbutton or unbuckle the clothing, but I realize it’s too tightly layered and has no way of coming off, and I’ll too soon run out of air. Instead of panicking to accomplish nothing, I just let myself sink and sink as it gets darker and darker, thinking I’d rather take in this last experience in life for all it’s worth. I stop panicking, feel myself loosing consciousness, and it just gets darker and darker. When it’s completely black and silent, I wake up.

Testing an Auto-Blog Post

2007-05-21T17:01:00.000-05:00

Here's me going to class. I'm driving on the west-side of Evansville and headed to class at USI. If you have any questions you'd like me to answer during my driving, send me a comment or message with your question! (Why did I choose to convert, what to I do on a daily basis, etc. Ask whatever.) The audio quality isn't very good. It's my first time. Hopefully I'll get another microphone rigged or something.

Customer Complained About My Beard

2007-05-19T22:19:00.000-05:00

I get up before the sun rises and go to work at the nearest gas-station. My manager was relieving me from my morning shift Friday. He's bald, almost retired and loves to act like my wise uncle I never had. "Oh man...do I have a story for you!" and he looks up at the ceiling smiling from ear to ear with his arms and hands open. Oh great, I'm thinking to myself. He bought another laptop, went to a strip club, or accidentally charged a customer $2,000 on their credit card like he did a couple weeks ago.

"This woman came in and give me all kinds of crap about your beard. She was totally ranting about it."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yeah, she was talking about how dirty and scraggly it looks and asked me why I hired one of those things", referring to me.

"Those things?!" referring to me and I was a bit shocked. "Is she a regular customer? What did she look like?"

"She's middle-aged and a regular customer...I think she thought you were Muslim". We laughed, thinking that'd be pretty ironic.

"Point her out next time she's here please! I guess I'll just have to be extra nice to middle-aged women now. Maybe I should start wearing a kippah. I don't want to get the crap kicked out of me for being Muslim".

I could just picture her telling her husband, who tells his guy friends he fellowships with down at the local lodge or meeting and they wait one night while I close and come kick the crap out of me.

"You really shouldn't wear your religion on your sleeve like you do" glancing to me and points to my tzitzit and beard as he's doing cigarette inventory. He's always giving me crap about religion.

"What good is religion then?" I quickly reply, thinking of another answer to the question myself.

We just both do a shrug and glance away.

I was a bit shocked, angry and hurt. The idiocy of people sometimes frighten me, too. At least this customer wasn't in a large group. I already go out of my way to be nice with people at work to compensate for their baseless hatred. Now I have to double my efforts, since I guess some lady thinks I'm a terrorist or something. I hope she comes in though and I get to interact with her. I'm daydreaming about what to do. Maybe I could strap road-flares to my chest, jump on her car windshield and shout "Allahu Akbar!" repeatedly when she pulls up.

Enlightening of Father

2007-05-17T20:24:00.000-05:00

Like many father/son relationships, mine is strained. Rarely has my father ever opened up to me or told me his true thoughts and feelings. His advice on life, when he does give it to me, is usually poor advice and doesn't make sense, but sometimes he gives me good advice when he's being completely open and unprideful. He's usually very reserved and insecure and doesn't talk much, and can be very defensive. Concerning the way he was raised, I don't blame him, but it makes it harder for me. The fact that I'm on a life path that's so different and outward has caused tension between us in the past. The schism from my way of life (converting to Judaism) from theirs (Catholicism) would cause any parent to feel as if they did something wrong and the feelings of hurt and rejection. A few years ago when I started studying Hebrew, I was looking into studying abroad in Israel. Knowing about my interest in Hebrew, I told my parents, wondering what they'd say. Maybe they would help me somehow (I've always paid for my own education), or maybe I was looking for feedback such as encouragement and recognition "as long as you're the one paying for it" or some such. Rather, "If you come back with one of those head coverings or become a Jew, I'll disown ya" was his response. This is a solid glimpse of my father. Mocking me and calling me a wannabe Hebrew was just one of his tactics back then, too, before I even talked about studying abroad. Trying to crush the dreams of my brother and I has always been his forte. He means well, but he shows it so poorly (who doesn't mean well?).

This told me that I was going to have to take things very slowly with my family. I was literally going to have to be covert with them in order to change their mentality against Jews and Judaism and hope one day that they'll be open enough to slowly become educated about my life. Being raised in a private Catholic school growing up, they were indoctrinated (brainwashed) into believing what they presently believe. Having their eldest son from both sides of a nice Catholic family and not become the stellar Catholic, but rather convert to Judaism, was an antithesis of their life work. I was going to have to show them that what I study is actually having a positive impact on my life, that I'm not some crazy religionist and rather that Judaism is better than what they can offer me. I tried being a ben noach for a year, but since thats only about keeping negative commandments, it didn't show them any G-dliness in my life. It's something that is only between you and G-d.

Last year though, my father had a heart-attack and he started to rethink things, especially his own mortality. Maybe there are things he wasn't doing right in his life. After all, he'd live forever he thought. "Hey, James...that Shabbat thing you talk about...maybe that's why G-d wants us to rest", referring to rest from stress of life, which is maybe why he had a heart-attack. It was the first time I felt him starting to connect with me. Maybe my son is right. I should maybe listen to him.

A few months after, I also decided that I wanted to accept the Covenant that was given to the Jews and not just to be under the Covenant of Noah anymore. I found I had a deeper drive and wanted to do positive commandments. This is where I started wearing tzitzit, started to pray more, practice keeping Shabbat, and G-dliness started to creep into my exterior. Of course, people saw this, including my parents. My father started to ask me questions which I was prepared for. My answers weren't long. They were brief and kind and over time they sank in to where my father would have more questions. Since he has such a temper, this method would let his temper cool down, he'd reason the answers I gave him on his own time, and then he'd come back with more questions. Rinse and repeat.

Finally, after almost a year, my father has started asking me deep questions about faith and G-d. I've so far taught him about the history of the Catholic Church, how Christianity started, and why I don't believe in it. Sprinkled through this all, I've managed to compare and contrast this with Judaism. I realized that he knew next to nothing about not only Judaism, but his own faith of Catholicism/Christianity as well.

Sometimes I would get smart with him when I knew I could pull it off. For instance, we were coming back home from dinner one night a couple months ago and my dad asked me if I would go to his funeral. I replied somewhat quietly, "I love you very much Dad, but if it takes place in a church, then I won't attend". "Out of respect and honor for your own father, you won't attend my funeral?!?! See...that's just wrong. And that's why I don't believe you're right. I just don't believe God would tell someone to not go to their own father's funeral" my dad said shaking his head being hurt. That pulled at my heart, but none-the-less I had to tell him like it is. I thought for a moment and replied very calmly, "Why is it so important for you to have your funeral in a church if it's so important for me to attend? By not going into another house of worship I am honoring my father and mother, because I'm honoring G-d". "That's still just wrong. I don't believe in a God that would not let a son attend his father's funeral" he said, getting a little flustered as we pulled into our rocky drive and parked his truck. The parking of the truck and shutting off it's engine was almost an impromptu sign that my father's conclusion was final and the conversation over. I unbuckled my seat belt and hopped down and looked back at him across the seats that were now eye-level. "Actually dad, it was your God, Jesus, that told a man to not attend his father's funeral" and I then proceded to quote from the Christian NT Book of John, where he tells one of his talmidim to follow him instead of burying his dead (or dying) father. "I don't believe that at all" he said. So I went in, opened up his bible and showed him. He was dumbfounded and just kept reading it over and over to himself. I told him that Moshiach would have charged the man to honor his father and bury him as a Jew should be buried and do the proper Jewish mitzvot concerning death and burial and that the teaching of his God is actually cruel and goes against the laws of G-d.

I've had similar tats with my dad since then. The latest conversation was last week, where he asked me if I believed that his christ was God. This is funny, because I've told him many times in the past, "No" and then I'd explain why. This time, it seemed he needed an affirmation though, as if he had a piece of a logical puzzle that was missing and just needed to verify. He asked why I believed that, and I told him that he didn't fit the criteria for being Moshiach. He taught his talmidim falsely, he was mean to his mother, there isn't peace on earth, no new covenant is in affect, etc. I then go on to tell him about the different manuscripts of the Christian NT, and how there doesn't really exist an actual Christian Bible, and that it's just all translations of manuscripts that contradict one another to no conclusive reasoning. He gets a business call or some such, I tell him "good talk" and go on to do homework.

So, I wait until the next question from him; every day wondering if today will be the day he'll look at me straight in the eye and disown me or tell me he wants me to answer just one more question. I always hope it's just one more question.

First Summer With Tzitzit

2007-05-09T19:38:00.000-05:00

Well, summer is arriving early here in Southern Indiana. It's in the upper 80's to 90 with 90% humidity on some days. This is going to my first summer wearing a tallit katan and so far it's hot. I have on pants, a cotton t-shirt, a cotton tallit katan over that and I go out with another t-shirt over that. It's not unbearable, but I'm sitting in my room without air-conditioning and I'm sweating. It's probably in the upper 90's since I live on the top floor. I can't imagine what it would be like with a full suit and tzitzit out in the desert with direct sun. How do they do that in Israel?! But non-the-less, I'm wearing tzitzit so it's worth it.

I think I'm going to go outside and read until the sun goes down. I love this time of year; especially around sunset.