Half-Fast

Weekend Splits

2008-07-19T07:02:00.000-06:00

Weekend Splits is my recap of things that I found interesting or humorous over the past week. If you have a submission for the weekend splits e-mail me.

Does riding this bike constitute a Brick workout?

Michemily posted the link to that image in the comments a while ago and I’m just now getting around to using it. Thanks Michemily!

Many of you are taking part in the Hundred Push Ups Challenge. Viper responded this week by announcing his Chin Up Challenge. But it’s a chin up challenge with a twist. Or on the rocks. Or neat. Or however you take it really.
If you haven’t been following Xenia’s Wizards of Blogland story featuring many of your favorite running bloggers then you’re really missing out. Missing out on Xenia (Warrior Princess?) skewering and roasting them that is.
Frayed Laces is proposing a new formula that indicates runs longer than 16 miles get exponentially longer. It’s a pretty confusing equation for someone like me and the results are terrifying, which is why I don’t do runs longer than 16 miles, or even 13.1 really.
Kristina spent 103 minutes on the phone with Garmin customer service, which equates to a pace of roughly 3 curse words/minute. In all honesty the solution to her problem was staring her right in the face the whole time: Don’t sweat in your Garmin 405. Duh!
Cranky Fitness is rewriting the fitness dictionary. You may think you know what a marathon is or what a split is, but you’d be surprised. Hey while we’re at it, let’s change fartlek to something less prone to juvenile snickering.

Comment of the Week
As much as I loathe to feed his ego, Nitmos actually made me spit oatmeal out on my keyboard when I read the following on my Elevation Profiling post.

I’ve had pimples bigger than that hill. On my ass.

Random Non-Running Related Video of the Week
This week it’s a little Gangsta Rap courtesy of Bert and Ernie. Snoop D - O - Double-G gots nothin’ on these two.

Have a great weekend everyone! Happy running.

Elevation Profiling

2008-07-18T07:06:00.000-06:00

Before every race I run I always like to make sure that I’ve looked at the elevation profile. It allows me to be prepared for the uphill sections that will no doubt slow my pace and shows me the downhill sections where I can make it up. Recently though, it seems that less and less races are putting their elevation maps online. Presumably the reason for this is because they know that I want to see one and they hate me. Either that or there isn’t enough of a demand for this information for them to take the 10 minutes that it would require to make it available. Whatever the case, it means additional work for me and the only thing I hate more than additional work for me is... well... nothing I guess.

I recently made mention of the fact that both halves of the upcoming Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon are downhill. For those of you shackled with the deductive reasoning skills of a Brussels sprout this is accomplished by the fact that the race is a point-to-point course starting in Georgetown (elev. 8500 ft) and finishing in Idaho Springs (elev. 7500 ft). That makes this race pretty much downhill all the way. Pretty much. Below you’ll find the Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon elevation map, courtesy of my work ethic.

You’ll notice that the first 2 miles are relatively flat, which is just a brutal way to have to start a race. What kind of sadistic race director starts you out on a flat surface? From there things just go downhill, literally. The plan is to try and conserve some of my energy on the slopes of miles 3 through 5 so that I’ll have the strength to get up that heartbreak of a hill at the 6½ mile mark. If you look really closely at the elevation map you’ll see the hill I’m talking about. *shudder* Obviously I don’t have to tell you guys that this course is not tailor made for setting a PR, but that’s exactly what I’ll be shooting for because I don’t back down from a challenge. I take the challenge by the horns and make it call me Daddy.

OK Fine. I’ll Do It Too.

2008-07-16T11:15:00.002-06:00

I have over 150 running blogs in my Google Reader because I like to pretend that I have my fingers on the maxed out pulse of the running blog community, and lately I have been noticing a lot of running blogs talking about the one hundred push ups challenge. It has been like one of those viral memes that occasionally spread through my reader like this wicked, burning rash that I have. Being the egomaniac that I am, I assume that you’re all posting about the one hundred push ups challenge just to give me the hint that I should get on board. I get it. I’m reading you loud and clear and I’ve decided that I’ll join in the fun.

Initially I was going to join the challenge without mentioning it here on Half-Fast because it just seems so unoriginal and copycat to do it now when so many of you are already on the second or third week of the program. Also, I figured if I didn’t mention it then no one would be able to laugh at me or call me a slacker when I wash out in 2 weeks. However, I wasn’t sure what to post today and this seemed like the easy way out.

When I first heard about the one hundred push ups challenge I was pretty excited, but that’s because I thought that it had something to do with the push up bra, or as I prefer to call it the big let down, which is what happens when it comes off, both physically and emotionally. Anyway, I’m still excited about the challenge just not as visibly so as I was before. The first step as you all know is to do the initial test and see how many push ups you can perform before exhaustion. I’m a little unsure about how this works though, because I started this test last night and I’m still going strong. It’s true, I’m actually doing one handed push ups right now and typing with my other hand. I hope it’s not considered cheating to do the push ups one handed.

Finally, if anyone has any good home remedies for an itching, burning rash please post them in the comments. If need be I am happy to provide pictures of the infected area.

UPDATE: My apologies to the ladies for the boobies up there, if you like you can go visit Frayed Laces for a little dose of Matthew McConaughey. ~~SWOON!~~

Better than a Fuel Belt?

2008-07-15T09:50:00.005-06:00

On Saturday I finally got back to some double digit mileage with a sweaty 10 miler, but it isn’t my Herculean efforts that I’m planning on regaling you with in this post. I’ll save that for another time. Instead what I’d like to draw your attention to is a bizarre sight that I saw during my long run. I sped (yes, sped) around a corner and found myself rapidly gaining on a woman walking around the lake with a water bottle on her head, ever alert for new blog fodder I whipped out my camera phone and snapped this picture:

The really strange part was the steadfast demeanor of the water bottle. It didn’t wobble to and fro, it didn’t look like it was in any danger of falling off her head despite the fact that it was a little crooked. It just stood there like a stoic Leaning Tower of Pisa. The woman walked briskly and not at all cautiously as though she knew that the little water bottle would not fall. I never saw her reach up to steady it or catch it, and I never saw her take a drink from it but it did appear to be half empty. Although I suppose you optimists might have claimed that it was half full.

I passed her quickly and I successfully resisted the temptation to knock the water bottle from her dome or trip her to see if it was in fact attached somehow. It occurred to me that it could be a mirage. Thirsty people stranded in the desert often think they see water, and it was hot and I was thirsty. Then I got home and looked at the picture I’d taken and unless my camera was also hot and thirsty and seeing the same mirage I realized that it must be real.

I don’t understand why you would do this, and when I don’t understand something I find that the best response is to make fun of it. Seriously, what’s the point of this? Does it help your balance or posture? And if so, does it help it enough to outweigh the fact that you look weird doing it? I think not. Is it easier to secure your water bottle to your head than to carry it or wear a fuel belt? I’m baffled. Do any of you carry your water bottles like this or know why someone would? I’m all ears if you’ve got answers in the comments.

Weekend Splits

2008-07-12T18:39:00.005-06:00

Weekend Splits is my recap of things that I found interesting or humorous over the past week. If you have a submission for the weekend splits e-mail me.

Need an excuse to get rid of your treadmill?
That image was lifted right off J-Money’s blog, The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, so you’ve probably already seen it... because you already read The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy right? If not then you should remedy that immediately, and if you don’t have room in your life for another blog, then drop Half-Fast and start reading The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy. OK well maybe don’t drop Half-Fast, but drop another blog that’s mediocre and add The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, which is really entirely too long a title to keep typing out in full. (TTMMSB?)
On to the links:

Me, me, me, me, me, me!
Also of interest on CRN is Mike Antonucci's post, Running with Viagra, in which he tries out some new slogans for Viagra. It’s a performance enhancing drug you know.
Guys, are you wondering what the etiquette is for going shirtless this summer? Lance: the Blog has the answer in his summer shirtless guide, Part 1 and Part 2. Women going shirtless isn’t really addressed because everyone knows it’s always encouraged.
Steve in a Speedo?! Gross! is a new blog that I’ve just added to my reader and I thought that you should know about this great blog. If you already knew about it then why didn’t you tell me? This week might have been a bad week to start reading as there has been a lot of talk and pictures of his chest waxing.
The iPhone 3G wasn’t the only big thing to be rolled out on Friday. Everyman Tri rolled out a new workout, a Super High Intensity Training program complete with acronym. Don’t you wish that you could tell people that your training program was the S.H.I.T.? Now you can.

Comment of the Week
It was too hard to pick just one out of the awesome comments you all made on the New Balance Post. Click here to go read all the comments, it’s worth your time. Easy way out? You betcha’.

I don’t have a Random Non-Running Related Video of the Week this week because I’m too lazy to find one. Be sure to read the important Site News post below, especially if you need your daily dose of humility to help keep your ego in check. I know I do.

Have a great weekend everyone. Happy running.

Site News: Duplicate Posts

2008-07-11T21:13:00.004-06:00

For those of you who read Half-Fast via a reader or some version of the feed please pay attention to this special alert. Some of the content for the tabs on Half-Fast has been hosted on another blog and is being moved over to the main blog this weekend. While this content will not show up on the front page due to the magic of back-dating you will probably receive these items in your feed reader.

For those of you who don’t subscribe to the feed (jerks!) you will not notice anything out of the ordinary except for my angry glare through the computer at you, and my withholding of affection. In fact your time spent reading this Site News post is completely wasted. Leave now and don’t come back until you’re ready to show Half-Fast some commitment by way of subscribing to the feed!

The rest of you subscribers are probably going to come into the office on Monday and find some new posts on your reader that are not showing up on the front page of the blog. At first you’ll be confused but then the light will break through the weekend haze and you’ll remember that you read this Site News post about how this might happen. You’ll read the posts anyway and think that they are astoundingly brilliant and delightful if not a little familiar sounding. Of course if you didn’t get to this Site News post until Monday morning after all the duplicate posts, then your quizzical, head-tilting expression will only now be evaporating from your beautiful faces. You look so cute when you’re confused, which is fortunate because it happens ALL THE TIME.

Fast Food

2008-07-11T11:10:00.003-06:00

It is a rare occasion that I see the inside of a fast food restaurant, and not because I prefer the drive through. Nevertheless on Wednesday night my wife and I found ourselves with only minutes to spare before the start of the movie we were going to see and we popped in to one such establishment. I don’t want to name the restaurant for fear of a lawsuit but let’s just say that it rhymes with Pentucky Lied Stickin’ and generally just goes by its initials. So we walked into this PLS and a quick glance around at the size and shape of the patrons confirmed my suspicions: I was better than all these people. You see, when I go into a fast food joint I like to look down my nose at everyone else in there because I eat healthier than these people do, I’m in better shape than these people are and I’m a runner. As fellow runners you have my permission to feel like you are better than the peasants that regularly frequent these locales and to let it be known that they are beneath you.

As we stepped up to the register and began to order, the portly woman who was waiting for her food rudely interrupted, “Excuse me! Are those fries fresh?”
“I’m sorry Ma’am?” replied the incredulous teen behind the counter, eyeing her suspiciously for sneaking the word ‘fresh’ into a PLS.
“Those fries,” she said waving a plump finger in their direction, “they look like they’ve been sitting there for a while.”
“Ohhhhhh, no. No the lamp keeps ‘em hot,” replied the teen before throwing a casual “Hey make sure those fries are hot,” over his shoulder to the “chef” in the back. I’m guessing that they probably made sure that this lady’s fries were hot by hocking a loogie onto them, or maybe worse.

What was amusing to me was that the word ‘fresh’ obviously wasn’t even in this kid’s vocabulary, or if it was it was filed under hot or toasty, but I don’t blame the kid. The word ‘fresh’ is not something that management had taught him, it’s not a word you should be associating with a fast food joint. ‘Fresh’ is a punchline that the ad execs throw around in their meetings, ‘fresh’ is the inside joke that upper management laughs about when they see it slathered all over their newest marketing campaign. If you really want fresh, you don’t go to a place that has heat lamps.

While we were waiting for our food Candis turned and whispered “you want me tell them to make sure it’s fresh?”
“No,” I laughed, “just make sure they don’t give us that lady’s fries.”

We quickly ate our greasy, unfresh chicken and left to go see the movie Get Smart because unlike some people, I haven’t surrendered my huevos to my wife just yet, at least not when it comes to movie choices.

Chicks Dig the Long Run

2008-07-10T11:01:00.004-06:00

A quick perusal of my always exciting running log tells me that I haven’t run double digit miles in over two months. That’s appalling, especially when you take into consideration that I have the Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon approaching quickly. I’m feeling the need to get longer, which is actually very easy according to the forty e-mails a week that I find in my spam folder. Anyway, I’ll be putting in some long runs over the next few weekends and hoping that the last minute cramming technique will serve me as well in my running as it did in my skooling. Hoo boy, I’m screwed!

I may even throw in some double digit runs in the middle of the week which is unheard of for me. I was giving serious thought to putting in a 10 miler this morning but I ~~forgot~~ was too lazy to get up early enough to squeeze it in before work and the forecast calls for temperatures in the low 100s today. My run tonight will depend greatly on the temperature when I get home from work, but I’m hoping to gut out an 8 miler at the very least.

My fear is that I have been too focused on getting faster and have forgotten that I need to maintain a healthy long run. By way of example, my last run was only 4 miles but it did include some 4 x 800s. Hey, everyone else is doing them, I thought I should too.

Interval 1: 3:39 (7:18 pace)
Interval 2: 3:46 (7:32 pace)
Interval 3: 3:41 (7:22 pace)
Interval 4: 3:45 (7:30 pace)

At this rate I will have no problem maintaining my goal pace for my upcoming half marathon... right up until I hit 7 miles, at which point I expect the lungnuts will come loose and the wheels will fall off the wagon. The only saving grace here is that the second half of this course is downhill (as is the first half) which means that I might just be able to tumble all the way to the finish. Let’s call that Plan B. Plan A will be for me to get in some more double digit runs over the next 3 weeks so as to stave off the biggest fade since Kid ‘N Play took the mic.

New Balance

2008-07-09T11:06:00.001-06:00

The maniacal overlords that provide me with a paycheck in exchange for looking busy and surfing the internet all day are actually making me work on work-related things this week so this will be a short post. I saw this New Balance commercial this morning while I was getting ready for work and I hadn’t seen it before. Either it’s a new commercial, or I somehow missed it when everyone was posting these videos to their blogs a couple of months ago. I even posted one. I hope that it wasn’t this one because that would make me look really stupid.

Yeah, Running has a hot friend called Victory but she’s also got some ugly friends that she insists on bringing on our dates. You may have heard of them: Black Toenail, Body Odor, Skipping Happy Hour and Overuse Injury. They’re a total drag and I don’t know why Running likes them so much. As for Victory, she’s hot and all but she’s totally stuck up. She doesn’t laugh at my jokes and I know that she’s been trying to get running to break up with me for a while now.

The Running of the Bulls

2008-07-07T11:17:00.003-06:00

“Weee-heeeee! What fun!”
Today marked the first day of the traditional Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. You may not know this but Pamplona, Spain is actually where the Fountain of Youth is located, except replace ‘Youth’ with ‘Stupidity.’

According to reports at least 9 people were injured in the festivities, which included being chased by angry bulls over a half mile course before finishing in the bullfighting arena. No word yet on how many bulls were injured during the chase but I wouldn’t worry too much about the bulls. Apparently they have some wonderful veterinarians (or “bullfighters” if you prefer) waiting in the stadium (or slaughterhouse) and if they deem any of the bulls to be too injured (or too bull-like) to live they humanely put them down. This is often a slow process that takes the bull many hours to die but I’m quite sure that they have the bull’s best interests at heart. Often, crowds of sympathetic supporters (or sadistic barbarians) gather to mourn (cheer) the bull’s passing.

I’m laying on the sarcasm pretty thick here, and I’ve never really considered myself an animal rights activist or anything. Mostly because that would require some kind of principles or commitment on my part and that sounds like a lot of work, but something about this 9 day festival just isn’t right. I’ll be the first to admit that I love me a good steak, and I don’t have a problem with the killing of tasty animals for sustenance, but I guess I draw the line at doing it for sport. Does this mean that I do have some principals? Is this what it feels like to take a stand for a cause? It feels kind of tingly with a faint air of superiority. I think I like it. Have I finally found an outlet for my bawdy self-righteousness?

Note: If you turn my comments section into an animal rights flame war I will run over the next cat I see.

On Weight Loss and Triathletes

2008-07-03T10:19:00.002-06:00

Two quick things today.
1. It would appear that the secret to weight loss has finally been unlocked. Johnny Virgil has a post on his blog, 15 Minute Lunch, about an old book that hails from the 1930s and contains guidelines for things like pinching off the fat cells. The premise of the book is hilarious as is Johnny’s commentary on it, and I suggest you go check it out. For those of you who don’t remember, Johnny Virgil is the guy who wrote the 1970’s JC Penney Catalog post that swept through the interwebs like a bad case of venereal disease and had me peeing my pants with laughter.

2. Candis (that’s my wife for those of you who are fashionably late to the party here) has gotten this idea in her pretty little head that she’s going to do a sprint triathlon. Running is somehow no longer enough for her and I can’t help but feel like she’s kind of two-timing, nay three-timing running. I’m happy for her that she’s setting aggressive goals for herself and that she’s working hard to stay in shape because I’d really hate for people to refer to me as “that blogger with the fat wife.” I’d consider joining her in her quest to complete a triathlon if I wasn’t certain that it would end in my bloated corpse being discovered with eight gallons of pool water in my lungs. I have no desire whatsoever to attempt a triathlon.

Yesterday I arrived back at our house after a 6 mile run and began the usual practice of reading off my split times to Candis. This is usually where Candis strokes my ego and tells me how impressive they are and how manly I am. Without this charade my sense of self worth goes right down the crapper. Yesterday was different. “Is that all you’re doing?” Candis asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re ONLY running today? Because I ran AND swam today.” And just like that she stripmined my self-worth and left me the cavernous empty shell of a man that sits here typing this entry. Unfortunately I couldn’t think of a good comeback, and that’s where I need your help. I really hate to keep cutting her off in the bedroom, because no one should be forced to go without some Vanilla-love for an extended period of time. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment and to be honest it’s no fun for me either. So I need your suggestions on how I should respond to these new taunts and this new perceived feeling of superiority. Hey, I’m no dummy. I saw Sleeping with the Enemy and I know what happens when wives start taking swimming lessons.

Emergency Procedures: Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy!

2008-07-02T10:08:00.006-06:00

Emergency Procedures is my quest to differentiate Half-Fast from any other running blog out there. It is an ongoing feature designed to give runners the advice that no one else does, and appears on a random and inconsistent schedule based loosely on its popularity. Today’s topic, as you may have already guessed, is Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy!

Narcolepsy is by definition both sudden and uncontrollable (otherwise they would just call it scheduled afternoon naptime) so I will concede that it was a little redundant or repetitive or superfluous to call narcolepsy sudden and uncontrollable. However it sounds so much more frightening and worrisome when you add those two words.

Whatever you call it, Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy while running is not something to be trifled with so I hope that you’ll take this advice seriously. In the event that you have an episode of Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy while running then please follow the emergency procedures outlined below:

1. Wake up.

Since there really isn’t a cure for Narcolepsy and there’s really no way to prepare yourself for a sleep attack other than to maybe run with your pillow, the remainder of these emergency procedures will be focused on what you can do if you come across a narcoleptic runner catching some Z’s on the trail.

1. Stop their watch! Hopefully all our narcoleptic running friends out there will have the auto pause feature enabled, but for those that don’t it is our responsibility to help out.

2. Check their pockets for Clif Shot Gels and water. Feel free to consume any of these items because let’s face it, you don’t need to hydrate or replace electrolytes when you’re napping. Also, are those shoes your size? They look brand new!

3. Wake them up. This can be done by yelling, clapping your hands, or shaking them violently, but the preferred method is to place their hand in water and watch them pee their pants.

4. Once you have successfully woken the narcoleptic up, inform them that they fell asleep and that you just witnessed some teenager on a bike stealing their Shot Gels. Feign indignation.

5. Offer further assistance, but if they ask you for a favor tell them that you have to leave and that you won’t rest until you find the “real ~~killers~~ Shot Gel thieves.” Do not feel bad about this, you’ve already done enough and they are being ungrateful by asking for more. What are you, Mother Teresa?

If you are a narcoleptic runner it’s probably best that you run with a partner, one you can trust. If that’s not an option then perhaps you could run with a dog, just not this one.

Personal Running Log - June 2008

2008-07-01T09:13:00.004-06:00

Well here it is, my highly anticipated June running log. I like to push somewhere around 80 miles of pavement a month, and while this certainly isn’t close to 80 it was saved from being completely humiliating by a few late month runs and my dedication to the sport. Looking back on it I was quite proud of the 6 mile tempo run on the 23rd because it was done at an 8:27 pace, but a more in depth look at the MotionBased data from my Garmin divulged that there was in fact a strong tailwind which means that it doesn’t count.

After the reminder that we were all given by Tyson Gay’s wasted efforts I suggest that you all go back and check your various PRs to see if they are actually eligible to count as a record. Those of you living in windy places like Kansas or Chicago are probably in for a rude awakening.

Anyway, here is my June running log in all it’s glory. My intended pace’s have changed since the last time I posted them (see here), but I suppose that’s the downside of running a PR. I usually base my training pace off my most recent race time, so my latest 10K PR has really cranked down the intended paces on my training runs, to the extent that I’m not always hitting my intended pace right now. I guess that’s what makes us faster, right? Right? Again, it’s difficult to judge my pace from the table below because it includes a warm up and cool down mile but my goal pace is as follows: Long runs - 8:55 pace, tempo runs - 8:25 pace, intervals - 1600s @ 7:50 pace, 800s @ 7:35 pace and 400s @ 7:25 pace.

Date	Route	Type	Distance	Time	Pace
6/30/2008	5 Miles Out & Back	Intervals (3x1600)	5 Mi	43:52	8:47
6/29/2008	6 Mile Loop Long Hill	Long	6 Mi	53:30	8:55
6/25/2008	Liberty Park (SLC)	Tempo	5 Mi	44:45	8:57
6/23/2008	6 Mile Loop Long Hill	Tempo	6 Mi	50:41	8:27
6/21/2008	7 Miles Out & Back	Long (w/Candis)	7 Mi	1:15:00	10:43
6/15/2008	6 Mile Loop Long Hill	Easy	6 Mi	56:28	9:25
6/9/2008	5 Miles Out & Back	Easy	5 Mi	45:48	9:10
6/7/2008	9 Mile Loop	Long	9 Mi	1:23:54	9:20
6/2/2008	4 Miles Out & Back	Intervals (4x400)	4 Mi	36:54	9:14
Totals: Distance: 53.0 miles Total Time: 8:10:52

Running in Salt Lake City

2008-06-27T15:47:00.002-06:00

If a post goes up at 4:00pm on a Friday will anyone read it before Monday? Let’s find out...

I liked Salt Lake City. There are a few things that I could do without, like the motion-detecting soap dispenser at the office with the itchy trigger finger. Three times now that thing has ejaculated all over my sleeve because I’m too dim to learn from my mistakes. I’m also not a big fan of the crosswalks chirping at you when it’s your turn to cross the street. Shut up already! The people here seem really nice though, everyone has been very accommodating and this guy even offered to run with me, which would have been cool if we could have worked it out because I’m always looking for someone to carry my water bottle, my phone, and my oversized ego.

I used Google Maps to look for a park close to my hotel and found Liberty Park roughly 2 miles away. I memorized the route (7 blocks south, 5 blocks east), said a fond farewell to the free wine in the lobby and started out. I had a 6oz water bottle in my pocket because no one offered to carry it for me... hmmm... so much for everyone being really nice here.

Liberty Park had some beautiful views, by which I mean that there were hot chicks in sports bras running, playing tennis, and rollerblading. Rollerblading? Holy crap! Have I been transported back in time to the year 1998? In addition to the talent, Liberty Park is quite scenic. There are tennis courts, a ~~lake~~ pond with ducks on it, and plenty of trees to shade your way. There’s even a 1.5 mile wood-chipped loop that’s built for running (pictured below). I ran on it for maybe a minute before going back to the concrete sidewalk with the Rollerbladers, it was too soft, almost like running on a bouncy castle. Thanks, but I’ll be over here tearing my knees up on the concrete.

As I left the park and headed back to the hotel I remembered seeing a plaza on the map and decided to take a short cut. The plaza consumed a couple of city blocks and would allow me to cut a corner, cutting corners is what I do best. I arrived to discover that this plaza was a raised plaza and I was faced with the unpleasant reality of having to climb 23 whole steps!

As I slowed to walk up them the Rocky theme came blaring through my MP3 player and I had visions of Rocky running up the steps. I bounded up the steps as fast as I could, and because it felt so good and stroked my ego, I ran back down them, took that picture and then ran back up them again. 69 steps! I told you I was dedicated.

I was rewarded at the top of the plaza by this:

I took out my ear buds and leaned my head under the cool water. It felt wonderful. Standing there with my head in the water I pronounced this the greatest fountain in the history of fountains, and I just got back from Vegas where we watched the Bellagio fountains. Unfortunately these Salt Lake City fountains will probably have to be taken down to make way for the gaudy monstrosity of a statue that will be erected in my honor. I think that everyone will probably agree that it’s totally worth it though.

Dedication

2008-06-26T15:25:00.004-06:00

Well, well, well. From your comments on my last post it appears that some of you don’t come to Half-Fast for your daily dose of introspection and reflection. I won’t stand for it. When you come to Half-Fast you’ll take what you’re given and you’ll enjoy it. If I want to ignore your predilections for Half-Fast and fill a post with reflection and introspection then I expect your respect-tion and possibly some genuflection. You WILL use the comments not for rejection or insurrection but to show me such a collection of affection pertaining to my perfection that it will blush my complexion and probably even give me an erection.

With that said I would like to suggest a statue in my honor here in Salt Lake City. I will file an official request with the city that they build a magnificent statue in my likeness that will be named Dedication. Let me tell you why.

On Wednesday I arose at 4:00 am in Denver, having logged 4 hours of sleep and caught an early flight to Salt Lake City. After a crazy day in the office, I went to my hotel to check in and crash for the night. It was during check-in that I realized it was still Wednesday, which meant that I had a run scheduled. I unpacked my case and found my running clothes. I did not find my sunglasses, probably because it was dark out when I left my house and I didn’t need them. In Salt Lake City however, it was sun- sun- sunny and 98 degrees (Fahrenheit, not the boy-band). Despite my lack of ocular protection and the stifling heat (you know it was hot because I said ‘sun- sun- sunny’) I was not dissuaded, but then I’m a pretty dedicated runner, and also a pretty, dedicated runner.

I reached into my bathroom bag for my sunblock, which is a stupid name because it doesn’t block the sun it blocks the UV. Alas, there was no UVblock to be found and I’m a pretty fair-skinned guy (also a pretty, fair-skinned guy) but I was not dissuaded because I’m a dedicated runner.

When I went down to the stylish lobby I found a number of stylish people taking part in the hotel’s stylish “Wine Hour.” For those of you who aren’t Mensa candidates this is an hour of free wine, and they really prefer that you not refer to it as “All You Can Drink Happy Hour.” With only 30 minutes left in “Wine Hour” I knew that the wine would cease flowing before my run did, but I was not dissuaded because I’m a dedicated runner.

When I stepped outside the hotel and turned on my Garmin it could not find the satellites, probably because we were 1,000 feet further from the satellites than we usually are. It was as if the Garmin was begging me to go back inside and drink wine, but I was not dissuaded because I’m a dedicated runner.

Dedication is my middle name. (And also the name of my statue as soon as the city approves it, should be any day now.) I’m telling you guys, the things that I overcame to go on a run yesterday make Helen Keller’s struggles look like Paris Hilton’s day at the spa.

Reflections of a Runner

2008-06-25T06:15:00.000-06:00

I’ve been running for a little over 3 years now, which is long enough for any self-absorbed, oxygen-usurper like me to feel like a little introspection is in order. As a pre-pubescent teen growing up in England I was given the option of going out for the cross country team, (“Oi, not bloody likely mate!”) or going out for the rugby team (“Right-oh then, where do I sign up for the running?”). I chose cross country, and despite the fact that I only did it for a few years before switching to another sport I’ve always liked running. I suspect that it may also have something to do with the fact that my Dad used to run a lot when I was younger. I always remember eating breakfast with him after he finished one of his runs, and how he’d be all sweaty while we choked down kippers and porridge, or maybe black pudding or toast with marmalade, which is obviously one of the lesser culinary atrocities that the Brits foisted upon us.

As far back as I can remember when the urge to exercise has struck, running has always been the activity that I’ve turned to, but it wasn’t until three years ago that it finally stuck. Three years ago I stopped saying that I was going to run the Bolder Boulder 10K ‘next year’ and I signed up for the race. I arrogantly anticipated that I’d just be able to go out and run 10 minute miles. After a few 4 mile training runs I realized that 10 minute miles were a long shot at best and I began a habit that has proven valuable in my running career to this very day: I lowered my expectations. My new goal was to run the whole distance without walking, and I succeeded to the tune of a 10:42 pace. (1:06:33 finish time.)

I determined that I was going to get faster and I believed that it was possible, not because I’m the kind of guy that can “achieve anything I set my mind to” or because “I believe in myself” mostly just because I have one of those fabulous male egos (seriously ladies, you should look into getting one). I like to think that I’m modestly vain. I don’t tend to be outwardly boastful (in person, anyway) or make claims that I’m the best, but internally I believe the hype. Internally, I don’t wonder “if” I’ll be able to run a 40 minute 10K someday, I wonder “when” that day will be.

Over the last 3 years I have gone from running the Bolder Boulder 10K in 1:06:33 (10:42 pace) to running it in 52:07 (8:24 pace), but it never seems to be good enough. Three years ago a 52 minute 10K sounded like an incredibly fast time, but now that I’ve accomplished it, it sounds less impressive. I’m just never satisfied (that’s what she said) with my race times anymore. If running is a woman then I’m it’s nitpicking mother complaining that “yes he’s a doctor, but it’s not like he’s a heart surgeon or anything!”

I’ve come along way, but I’ve still got a long way to go.

Getting Back on the Wagon

2008-06-23T09:25:00.001-06:00

To say that I’ve fallen off the running wagon over the last couple of weeks would be an understatement. In true Half-Fast style, I dove headlong from the wagon with wild abandon and then shoved it over a ravine. I’m cringing at the thought of having to post my June running log because it will expose me as the slacker that I am. I suppose that I could point out how it might be beneficial to take a week or two away from running in order to recharge my legs but if this were an intentional break I would have been doing some sort of cross training to maintain my fitness.

The good news here is that I’m back to running again. I realize that I never really told you that I had stopped running, and in a way I didn’t. I just had other things get in the way like 10 year anniversary celebrations, and sleeping in. I never really “skipped” any runs I just postponed them, I still have 5 or 6 of them from the past two weeks that I’m planning on catching up on. Maybe I’ll do them all at once.

This week is going to be tough as I’m back at work after a week off and I have a lot of e-mails that I’m ignoring right now in order to write this post. I’ll also be traveling to Salt Lake City on business for a couple of days but I’m determined not to ~~miss~~ postpone any more runs so if any of you know any good places to run in SLC then be sure to let me know in the comments. Also, if anyone knows where I can get my hands on some coffee in SLC that would be helpful, because I couldn’t find a Starbucks to save my life last time I was there.

Vegas Baby!

2008-06-20T09:51:00.002-06:00

Right now I’m typing this on my blackberry while sitting next to the Planet Hollywood pool in Las Vegas. My ever-supportive wife is swimming laps in an attempt to off-set the all you can eat sea food buffet we ate at the Rio last night and in preparation for the all you can eat breakfast buffet at the Bellagio that we’re planning tomorrow morning. I swam a couple of laps before deciding that doing cannonballs was more fun. I also spent some time at the bottom of the deep end pretending that I was an astronaut in a weightless environment and I have to tell you that peeing in outer space is not as tough as I’d heard.

We’re here in Vegas under the guise of our 10 year anniversary indulging in various debaucheries like eating fried stuff with cheese, and ordering our coffee with whole milk (gasp!), and ingesting dessert after every meal (yes, even breakfast), and also, not running at all. It’s 107 degrees so running is out of the question, unless you are outside your mind. I planned on swimming a little to maintain my current fitness level, and now that that’s out of the way, it’s onto the buffets. Maybe 2 laps isn’t enough to “maintain fitness” but that’s OK. I’ve never been one to back away from a challenge, well except for that one time when that chick wanted to arm wrestle, but that wasn’t so much “backing” away as it was turning and running. I’m telling you I thought she was challenging me to a footrace.

Anyway, my challenge is going to be re-gaining the fitness that I’ve lost during this time in Vegas and getting myself ready for the Georgetown Half Marathon that’s coming up. I like to do things the hard way, which is why I’ve run a total of 10 miles in the last two weeks and jumped on the Chris Farley diet (may he rest in funny peace).

Sorry if this post is kind of short but I’m typing it on a freaking blackberry and it’s been 20 minutes since I ate something bad for me so I need to rectify that immediately. In the meantime, here are some quick observations before I go upload this to my laptop and post it for your reading pleasure. Things that are different in Vegas: The law of escalators does not apply, maybe it evaporated in the heat with the impetus to wear appropriate clothing. Stand to the right, walk on the left, and lady you are way too big to be wearing a dress that short. Seriously, there were butt cheeks hanging down like the classy draperies that adorn our hotel windows.

Future Races?

2008-06-18T09:48:00.002-06:00

I really don’t run a lot of races, I figure by giving myself several months between races I have a better chance of continuing my streak of always running a PR at every race. Recently though, two additional races were brought to my attention, one by a reader and one by my own astuteness and I think that they deserve some consideration.

The first race for consideration is the Four on the Fourth 4K, an Independence Day celebration. Huge thanks to Q, the devastatingly fast reader who e-mailed me to tell me about this race. This 4K is sponsored by Avery Brewing Company, and the overall winners will earn their weight in beer as a prize, which brings up an interesting dilemma if you think you’re capable of winning the whole thing. Do you try to gain weight so that you can win more beer or do you cut weight so that you can increase your pace and thus your chances of winning the beer? Fortunately, it’s not a dilemma that I have to worry about. However it is worth noting that each of the age group winners also win a case of beer. If ever there was a time for my first age group win then this is it.

The only reason that I might have to pass on this race (other than snooze-button-overuse) is because I am waiting to find out if I get invited to play in a US vs England soccer match that I played in last year on July 4th.

The next race up for consideration is the Denver Gorilla Run, those of you who voted that I should do the slip ‘n’ slide (90% of you) will like this one because you have to run dressed as a Gorilla. It’s a 5.6K but other than that I don’t know much about it. Apparently the proceeds go to the Mountain Gorilla Conservation Fund to benefit the Mountain Gorillas, probably by building them new schools and providing them text books or something. Anyway, they give you a Gorilla suit and you get to keep it! I’ve always wanted to own my own gorilla suit so if I participate in this race it will be one more thing that I can cross off my bucket list. Prizes are awarded for Highest Fundraising Gorilla, First to Finish, Furthest Travelled Gorilla and Most Creative Gorilla costume (i.e. what you add to your monkey suit to make it stand out). I’m thinking The Vanilla Gorilla costume is a shoe-in for first place. Shoes! I bet the proceeds go towards new shoes for the gorillas.

The most likely hindrance to me participating in this event is the high entry fee ($150). I guess that’s attributable to the gorilla suits that they give out and the rising cost of gorilla text books. The best thing about both of these races, other than an excuse to keep calling everyone a “damned dirty ape,” is that I have never run a 4K or a 5.6K (who has?) which means that they would both be PRs by default. Anytime you can guarantee yourself a PR just by completing an event, that’s a good thing.

Fun with Race Pictures

2008-06-16T11:09:00.007-06:00

When I was doing some research for this article at CRN I found myself pouring over thousands of race pictures from various events and there were some that just begged to be made fun of. Generally speaking, I don’t like to make fun of other runners because “what goes around, comes around,” and anyone who is running is OK in my book, (“my book” by the way, CAN be judged by its cover and has lots of pictures in it because I don’t really like to read). So, I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, but then Topher went and posted something very similar here and here and I thought “Crap, now I can’t do it without looking like I stole the idea from Topher.” But then I thought, “Wait, I’m writing a blog post not an editorial for the Washington Post,” and I realized that I don’t have any journalistic integrity nor do I need any. Life is so much easier when you have no standards.

Without further ado, on to the pictures and the mocking. Hooray mocking! It’s what I do best.

“Hey everyone, look at my 6 pack! Hey! Hey! Do you see it? Do you see that I have a 6 pack? Look! Does everyone see this? Just look at me!”

Well hello there Mr. Banana Grabber. This guy was walking when he spotted the cameras and thought “Quick, do something to make it look like you’re injured.”

You know how I know that this is the real Batman? He’s covering his bib number because he’s concerned about the citizens of Gotham learning his real identity. Nice try Bruce, but you’re not fooling anyone.

Cheater! If you’ve ever wondered what true love looks like I imagine it’s something like this, which is why you’ve never seen race pictures of me carrying my ever-supportive wife during a race. (Must fight urge to make ‘heavy’ joke.)

“Hi Kimmie! Yeah, I’m running this race right now but I just wanted to find out how your date went last night with TJ, he’s so yummy!” “Oh, hey can you hold on a second, I’ve got another call coming in...”

“Hey, you know what would be cute and also totally annoy the piss out of everyone behind us...”

Weekend Splits

2008-06-14T12:48:00.005-06:00

Weekend Splits is my recap of things that I found interesting or humorous over the past week. If you have a submission for the weekend splits e-mail me.

It’s not often that I feel the need to warn you when something disgusting is about to get posted, I usually just go ahead and post it and then chuckle to myself as I imagine all your reactions. However this warrants a warning. The image below is cropped for your viewing pleasure, clicking on it will show you the gory details. Take a look at the runner’s face, then look at the faces of everyone in the crowd behind him and see if you can’t figure out what he’s doing. I’d give you two guesses to figure out who sent this to me but chances are you’d only need one. THANKS MARCY!!! :p (Emoticon included just for you, LOL.)

I usually have a post at CRN on the 2nd and 5th Tuesdays of every month which means that you’ll almost always get a Weekend Splits post on the Saturday after the 2nd and 5th Tuesday so that I can pimp my article. This past week it was Under Armour entering the running shoe market that I driveled on about.
Jamoosh thinks that Garmin should put the same technology they use in cars on watches and make the Garmin talk. He’s got some great suggestions for its personality.
Tall Girl Running got to meet a real live beauty queen at the gym. When will you people learn that when you tell this kind of story (the kind that potentially involves hot women) you need to have pictures to go along with your post. This is why camera phones were invented.
Do you know how fast you have to be running to get covered in bugs like the front end of a cross country Peterbilt? Jess does, and she’s got the pictures to prove it.

Random Non-Running Related Video of the Week
The following video is comedian Jim Gaffigan talking about Bacon. Mmmmm bacon.

Have a great weekend and happy Father’s Day to all the Dads, especially my own. I hope that my kids get me some bacon for Father’s Day!

It DOES Tell the Freakin’ Time

2008-06-13T09:43:00.004-06:00

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of having to straighten people out who think the Garmin Forerunner 205 doesn’t tell time. It does. I own 2 of them, I should know. At the start of the Bolder Boulder 10K we overheard someone ask the lady next to us for the time. She pointed to her Forerunner 205 and said “Oh this doesn’t tell time, it does all kinds of other wonderful things but would you believe it doesn’t tell the time?”

I wanted to grab her by the collar and yell “You stupid, stupid, ignorant, vapid harpy,” punctuating each word with a stinging backhand. But I didn’t. Because I’m a nice guy, and also because it occurred to me that maybe she just didn’t want to tell the stranger what the time was. Who among us hasn’t feigned a broken watch to avoid sharing the time with strangers?

Anyway, this wasn’t the first time that I’d heard someone say that the Garmin Forerunner 205 doesn’t tell the time, and I just wanted to set the record straight. I’m really not sure why it bothers me so much (or why I seem to have violent tendencies before a race), but it does. I suppose that some of the confusion comes from Garmin themselves, take a look at this comparison table of the 205, 305 and 405. At the bottom of the page under the Sport Watch category it says “yes” under the 405 and “no” under the other two. I can only assume that this is because the earlier models have a 10 hour battery life which makes using them strictly as a watch more cumbersome than the Zack Morris cell phone. The 405 on the other hand, has a power save mode that allows you to use only the watch feature, at least I think that’s how it works. I won’t know for sure until someone from Garmin steps up and sends me a free one in exchange for a review. Seriously, how many hints do I have to drop? I’ve already got a glowing review written up and ready to go all I need is the watch, is anybody listening to me?

For those of you who are reading this and sheepishly wanting to ask how to get your Garmin to display the time but are worried that you’ll have to endure our collective scorn, allow me to save you the trouble. From the main menu: Settings – General – Data Fields – Main 1, enter the number of data fields you wish to display and then you will be presented with a menu of options. One of those options is Time of Day, and here’s where it’s going to get complicated. Selecting the “Time of Day” option will display... wait for it... the Time of Day! Hey presto! All of a sudden your friends will think you’re a gadgetical wizard when you impress them by telling them what time it is!

Negative Ghost Rider, the Pattern is Full

2008-06-11T11:38:00.003-06:00

I was intentionally buzzed by a cyclist during my run on Monday night. Actually, I’m not sure that “cyclist” is the correct term for this particular guy, he was more of a pedestrian who just happened to be riding a bike. A BMX bike, whose frame was dwarfed by that of its rider.

As I rounded a bend on my usual running path I spotted a family up ahead of me, they were stopped on their bikes and completely blocking the path. As I closed in on them from behind, two of them pedaled off ahead of me while the other three remained in the standard military roadblock formation. I veered into the grass and made my way around them. I honestly wasn’t all that annoyed, and was thankful to be through the checkpoint without having to pass a sobriety test or have my trunk checked.

The two that had gone on ahead (a lady and a young kid) were now right in front of me, and traveling at the same speed that I was. Unfortunately this was not due to the fact that I’m fast enough to keep up with “cyclists” but rather due to the fact that the kid was apparently riding without training wheels for the first time. Either that or he just sucked at bike riding. The kid was maybe 6 years old and was wobbling all over the place, I was shocked that he had been allowed to pass through the last sobriety checkpoint because he looked pretty smashed to me.

Meanwhile, the three-man roadblock had started following me down the path right after I had passed them. I now found myself running in the middle of a family of “cyclists” and quite frankly it was a little awkward. My Garmins revealed that I was running at the right pace, pushing myself a little, and I didn’t want to pass the two in front of me because I assumed that they’d eventually speed up. It was at this point that one of the roadblockers yelled from behind “Hey Mary, watch out on your right!” Mary then pulled over to the left and instructed the kid to do likewise, but I didn’t want to pass them, I didn’t want to run faster. So there I was with an open lane and everyone expecting me to speed up and overtake them. It was kind of like when someone holds a door open for you even though you’re still 20 yards away, I felt like I had to speed up. So I did.

As I passed Mary, the kid stopped looking at his pedals long enough glance back over his shoulder. This move caused him to veer even further to the left and as his bike toppled from the path the young foal lost his balance. His head bounced like a bell’s clapper inside his oversized helmet, but I’m sure he was OK. I just kept on trucking, still uncertain if he was new to 2 wheels or if he really did suck at bike riding.

About a half mile further down the path, the incident long forgotten I heard a “cyclist” bearing down on me. It was one of the roadblockers. From the popped collar and sagging shorts I’d guess he was about 15 going on douchebag. He came within an inch of wrecking his stunt-pegs on my ankles and then immediately braked in front of me, his pungent cologne assaulting my nostrils. He looked at me, and then in his best Michael Corleone voice he said “Oh... Excuse me, I didn’t see you there.” He was sending me a message. Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes indeed. It was so comical that I actually laughed. He was stopped on the path, waiting for the rest of The Family and he took umbrage with my joviality as I passed him again. At least he would have if he’d have understood any of the words in that sentence. “What?” He yelled. “What’s so funny, huh?” Still smiling, I looked back at him and shrugged. He yelled some more as I made my way down the path but I was too far away and too indifferent to hear.