Half a Bee

Microsoft Shifts Focus, Will Target the Idiots

2008-08-21T23:29:01-07:00

I’m sure the parents of Timothy Sellers, Heather Grantham, and Joshua Dersch were super proud this Tuesday when their kids were granted a patent so brilliant, so amazing, and so unbelievable, it takes an idiot to appreciate it. The three Microsoft employees submitted and were granted a patent for… wait for it… making Page Up and Page Down move an actual page up or page down – as in a real paper like pages, not today’s annoying screen size sections.

Apparently the patent office agreed with the idea that making a key press move a whole page up or down, not in screen size bites but in some other unit, novel enough for a patent. Let me remind you that in theory, Microsoft now has a 20 years monopoly on moving whole pages up or down with a single key-stroke. The only good thing I have to say about this patent is that it is actually very easy to read and is highly entertaining. For example, in the background for the ground breaking invention they three write:

However, pressing the Page Down or Page Up keyboard buttons to navigate content provides sometimes unexpected results for many viewers. More particularly, unless the zoom percentage setting and/or size of the window is coincidentally set such that an entire page is shown at once, pressing the Page Down or Page up key does not move the content a full page. Such behavior is the default experience in applications. For example, when the zoom is set such that the page is larger than the viewing area, pressing Page Down when at the top of the page does not page down an entire page, but instead shifts the content that is shown in the viewing area such that some lower portion of the current page (e.g., the bottom of the current page) is shown. At least one other Page Down key press is required to shift the view to show the top of the next page. In the opposite direction, at such a zoom percentage more than one Page Up is required to actually shift the content up an entire page.

And it gets better, and by better I mean funnier:

Thus, when a user wants to consistently review a particular area of each page, for example, such as to inspect the content in each page's header or footer, the user has to use multiple key presses per page, unless the user can tolerate (and is knowledgeable enough to know to set) a zoom percentage that causes a Page Up or Page Down to jump the precise amount.

Let me repeat that for you, slower. Microsoft has submitted and granted a patent to help users who find the current behavior of the Page Up and Page Down button too confusing, or those who cannot “tolerate” the buttons’ erratic and “unexpected” behavior. These people are such idiots that, and I quote, are not “knowledgeable enough to know to set a zoom percentage”.

After first reading about this over at the always excellent TechDirt blog, I scratched my head trying to figure out what the hell was Microsoft thinking. I mean, they paid money for this. They paid the employees (it took the combined brain power of three Microsoft engineers), they paid the lawyers, and they paid the patent office.

And then I figured it out. With all the smart users switching over to Mac, Microsoft is forced to focus on the only market segment they still control. The idiots.

Look for this amazing technology in the upcoming Windows Vista Feature Pack which will retail for $24.95.

Fun and Games with AT&T, Episode II: Lost Time

2008-08-21T18:07:01-07:00

Previously on Fun and Games with AT&T...

After many hours wasted on the phone and two failed attempts at buying an iPhone, AT&T has informed me that as a matter of policy I will not be compensated for this ordeal. They also double charged me $195.72 for their own mistake triggered by the same screw-up, which I was told will take another billing cycle to be credited. Not clear in what form yet – I’m hoping a check.

I am unwilling to let this matter rest without a proper compensation for my time. And so the story continues.

Yesterday I called AT&T after being unable to find their mailing address on their site. I had to wait 16 minutes for the representative to find the address. Nothing surprises me anymore but 16 minutes to get an simple answer is ridiculous. I though handing out the mailing address for their legal department was something they do on a daily basis. Just in case I’ll post it here for others:

AT&T Mobility Customer Support
Att: Legal Department
PO Box 68058
Anaheim, CA 92817

I have sent an official letter to AT&T today repeating the entire story as previously posted on this blog. I have concluded my letter with the following:

I am well aware that customer service calls can be time consuming and frustrating. I am well aware that AT&T is not in a position to compensate every customer it mistreats on the phone with such long holds and delays. However, The 3 hours of my time wasted going on a wild goose chase trying to buy the phone solely on the premise of the AT&T assurance is something I hold AT&T directly accountable for.

I have expressed my expectation of a proper compensation for this matter and was denied. Therefore, I am writing to inform you that I have placed a monetary value on the 3 hours lost at $150 an hour. I am requesting $450 in compensation for this lost time and productivity in the form of account credit or check.

If AT&T fails to respond to this request to my satisfaction within 21 days, I retain my rights to seek legal actions against AT&T in order to obtain the $450 compensation. I hope that it will not be necessary and that AT&T can resolve this matter quickly.

I am not greedy nor am I trying to take more than I deserve. I have narrowed down the claim to the specific loss cause directly by AT&T, and think an hourly rate of $150 is perfectly reasonable. As soon as I hear back, or 21 days from now, I will post episode III. Meanwhile, if you have experienced a similar issue with AT&T, please post it in the comments.

Fun and Games with AT&T, Episode I: Dreaming of iPhones

2008-08-19T22:33:56-07:00

Earlier this year I’ve decided it was time to get a new cell phone. My three years old phone was falling apart and I wanted something more sophisticated. The second generation iPhone was announced that week, and with first generation phones hard to come by, I patiently waited for the newer version. When they were finally announced, I logged into my AT&T account to make sure I was eligible for the discounted price. I have two lines on the account, one already on the iPhone plan (which qualified) and another without a service plan (ended in Jun 2007). For some reason the website was showing my second line did not qualify despite the fact it was out of contract.

And so my adventure begins...

I called AT&T and for about an hour explained to the very friendly customer service person that there must be some kind of a mistake. Instead of calling me back with some answers, they put me on hold repeatedly and eventually came back with the following explanation. Somehow AT&T marked my account as under contract until May 2010 and while they can see that this was a mistake, there was no way to fix it. Instead they suggested the following solution: the night before I go to the Apple store, I should call them. They will flip the phone numbers between the two lines, making the current iPhone line appear on the other line and hence qualify it. They said it will not stop the first line from being upgraded as well. This all sounded backward to me, but I agreed to give it a try.

About two weeks later I called again on the night before the new iPhones went on sale. Because of the non-existent notes AT&T claims to keeps, I had to explain the whole story again, spent another hour on the phone listening to recorded messages about using the Web, the Wireless Web, and the Mobile Web (all from one phone – I didn’t know about the two other webs so maybe it wasn’t a total waste of time).

This time a different but equally nice (and equally useless) representative was able to find out that when I relocated from New Jersey to California in May, AT&T decided to reset all my contracts with them. She talked to the relocation team who talked to the New Jersey team and was able verbally to get the information because her system blocked access to my account information before the relocation. She said she put notes on the account and that I should be able to go to an Apple store and buy the phone. If they had problems, I was told I can call in and they will tell them that I do qualify. Again, she said there was no actual way to fix my account information in their system.

The next day I went to the Apple store but the lines were too long so I drove to an AT&T store which was sold out. To date, that store have yet to get any new iPhone since the launch. That weekend I drove up to FooCamp with my old crappy phone and waited to get back home and try again. On Monday my husband went to the Apple store to get 2 new iPhones, one for him and one for me. After standing in line for about half an hour, he was able to secure the last two phones. He was able to upgrade his line to the new phone at the discounted price, but not mine.

The Apple system showed (as expected) that the second line did not qualify. They called AT&T to find out more and AT&T had no idea what they were talking about. No notes, no nothing. They also said that since the account was relocated, they cannot access any history and that only the account owner can talk to them, not Apple. My husband spent about an hour trying to resolve the issues with my line. That hour did not include waiting in line and getting his phone upgraded.

During all this time I was on the phone with AT&T trying to sort this out. The new representative was confident in his ability to fix the issue and put me on hold. An hour later I was told there was just no way to fix the account, and that I can go to any AT&T store instead to buy it there, since they have more control over the process. I asked them to find out which store actually had the phones in stock. They called about 3 stores while I was waiting on line, and none had any phones left. I was told that if the store doesn’t have the phone I can order it and will get it within 2-3 weeks. Meanwhile the Apple store had phones available that day.

They did accomplish one thing during that call: they informed me that AT&T was still charging me for my canceled New Jersey phone numbers and said they have correct it. They didn’t. At this point I had to get off the line and go to a meeting.

Later that day I called AT&T again and had to repeat the entire story again. After refusing to accept the answer that there was nothing they can do to fix the account, I asked to speak with a manager. The manager said that there was one department able to fix such matters but that they don’t answer phones (internally or externally) – only internal emails, they take 72 hours to fix issues, and that they will be able to correct this. The manager brought the first person on the call and instructed her to follow up daily to check if the account has been fixed and to call me within those 72 hours to let me know when I can go to an Apple store and buy the phone. I asked twice and was assured that I will be able to buy the phone within three days. This call took about an hour and 10 minutes.

No call the next day, or the next, or the next, or the next. On the 5th day I called. Yes – I had to repeat the whole story yet again, be placed on hold, hear about the exciting 3 different kinds of webs AT&T offers, and was told that my account was fixed. The representative said that he can’t see any problem with the account and that I certainly qualify and can go to any Apple store and get the discounted price. I asked three times if he was sure, if the problem was actually fixed, and was told yes. I then asked if he can guarantee that I will not be wasting my time going to the Apple store again. I was given the most sincere assurances. Time on phone was only 20 minutes this time.

The following week, excited about finally getting my new iPhone, I went to an Apple store to get my long awaited device. Took me half an hour to get to the store, stood in line for an hour, then waited for the Apple dude to enter my information and check if everything checks. It didn’t. The system showed I did not qualify, again. The Apple dude called AT&T which took 10 minutes to get on the phone. This time AT&T knew everything about the issue and told him that I will not be able to buy the phone at the reduce price at an Apple store, period, only at an AT&T company store. They said there was no way to go around the account issue. Door to door I wasted about 3 hours on this failed attempt.

The next day I was going over my credit card statement and noticed I was still being double charged by AT&T. Not only was this company messing my account information and lying to me about fixing it, they were also stealing my money. I called again. I asked for a manager right away refusing to waste my time telling the story yet again. This time they connected me to some special manager person who sounded like his job is to fix major AT&T screw-ups. Like all the other AT&T representatives, he was very nice, polite, friendly, and truly trying to help. He checked all the information and after 15 minutes suggested to call me back instead of keeping me waiting. Nice start.

Later that evening he called back and said that he found a solution (he also warned me that since he called me back on my cell phone, I will be losing minutes for that call). There was a special team that can fix this issue within 24 hours. I asked if this is the same special team or a different even more special. He didn’t know anything about the 72 hours special team. Ok. I was willing to give AT&T one more day. The next day he called me back to inform me that the matter has been resolved and that he called the local Apple store to warn them of the issue and how to fix it. I asked him to call a different store and he was happy to do that. An hour later I was able to finally buy the iPhone at an Apple store. It took them some time to call AT&T and figure out how to do it but the important thing is they got it done.

I give the AT&T super manager tons of credit for being able to get something done in such an incompetent environment. At that point he asked me if I consider the matter resolved. I mentioned the double billing which he said is not something he can help with (but gave me the number to call during a weekday – it was the weekend). I also said that I believe I should be compensated by AT&T for spending – let’s see now – almost 10 hours on trying to buy an iPhone. I told him I am not expecting AT&T to pay me for wasting my time with them on the phone – that is the cost of having to deal with customer service – but the 3 hours wasted for going to the Apple store the second time after a direct promise from AT&T that all matters have been resolved, is time lost because of an AT&T lie and mistake.

I was told, and I quote: “As a matter of policy, we do not compensate our customers for lost time”. Wow. They have a policy on this!

To be continued...

Tell Me What You Really Think

2008-07-22T18:53:49-07:00

Here is a recent conversation I had with two employees of a company whose name I won’t mention:

Me: When are you leaving town?
Employee 1: Tomorrow early noon.
Me: Would you like to meet before you leave?
Employee 1: Sure, how about we meet 8am and we can buy you breakfast?
Me: Well, I don’t eat breakfast but I can talk while you eat.
Employee 2: That’s actually better because our boss will be pretty pissed if we bought you breakfast.
Me: Is it personal or because I work for Yahoo!?
Employee 2: He hates your company and will not approve the expense.

Needless to say I had ice water for breakfast.

Half a Bee, Philosophically

2008-07-09T17:33:34-07:00

Half a bee, philosophically,
Must, ipso-facto, half not be.
But half the bee has got to be
Vis-a-vis, its entity. Do you see?

But can a bee be said to be
Or not to be an entire bee
When half the bee is not a bee
Due to some ancient injury?

Singing...

La dee dee, one two three,
Eric the half a bee.
A B C D E F G,
Eric the half a bee.

Is this wretched demi-bee,
Half-asleep upon my knee,
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric the half a bee!

Fiddle de-dum, Fiddle de-dee,
Eric the half a bee.
Ho ho ho, tee hee hee,
Eric the half a bee.

I love this hive, employee-ee,
Bisected accidentally,
One summer afternoon by me,
I love him carnally.

He loves him carnally,
Semi-carnally.
The end.

Cyril Connelly?
No; semi-carnally!
Oh.

Cyril Connelly.
[whistling]

Written and performed by Monty Python, but I can't figure out who owns the copyright...