(not)Happy About THIS!

Moving my Blog...

2010-09-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

Hi all...thanks so much for reading my blog over the past year. I stopped posting thinking I wouldn't have time for a personal blog. But my thoughts really need a place, so I've moved this blog here. << click I'm waiting for my actual domain to move. But just so you know, the new blog is called "Live Is The Event."

If I can ever figure out how the hell I purchased this domain I will have it redirect. lol

<3

What To Do With This Blog...

2010-08-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

I mentioned casually that I was planning to shut down HappyAboutThis and got all sorts of hate mail and hate tweets. I was so flattered. I haven't even been blogging a year so it's nice to know that people enjoy my writing.

They say that a year is a turning point in a blog, in fact, Necole Bitchie kindly told me that as her little gem of advice to someone who was just starting out. I bought the domain for HaT in October of last year and I think that in the last two months I was finding a voice and a stride.

Unfortunately, I have another blog called MediaSTRUT where I analyze how the media treats people and issues. I think I did a lot of that on HaT by default because that's my area of expertise. Though HaT is supposed to be a personal blog. I'm not even sure what that means anymore. And I don't know why someone like me who hates talking about herself would endeavor to start a personal damn blog. WHOOPS.

So...what I'm going to do is keep HaT alive and well until her anniversary comes and then I'll make a decision about whether to shut the blog down and do guests posts when I have something I can't put on media strut (such as the post on "Why You should Encourage Your Little Girl to Play Sports" post I did on The Beautiful Struggler, or whether to keep this blog open even though it won't be consistent.

Hmmm...I have to say I really love my very small group of readers and commenters. It's safe over here. Not so much on other blogs. *shudders*

Feel free to weigh in.

Black Women, Athletes and Why Ocho Cinco Can't Win

2010-07-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

Chad Ocho Cinco's new dating 'reality' show "Ultimate Catch" debuted last Sunday. But before it ever hit the airwaves, the fact that only two black girls out of the initial 85 were chosen to compete while the rest of the contestants are of white, latina, or ambiguous decent. [In case you're interested, the owner of Ethnicity Talent who casted the show blogged about what really went down on the set. Click here to read.]

Since the showed aired, the conversation about Chad's preferences has intensified with many black women expressing anger at Chad's seeming lack of interest in people who look like them. As these conversations typically go, the subject starts with one athlete's preferences, then extends out to other athletes, then black male celebrities, then black men in general. Pretty soon, all the bases have been covered:

Date who you want as long as it's not a fetish
Date who you want as long as you don't put down black women
It's unnatural for people to have a preference for people who don't look like them, it's evidence of self-hate
Black men put women of other races on a pedestal
It hurts to have the men you desire (meaning black men in general) believe that you are somehow beneath them and other women are a prize
Some black men think black women are good enough to make babies with but not good enough to marry [Note: All 3 mothers of Chad's children are black. Yes I said all THREE.]

Okay, got it.

I have two main issues with black athletes who typically date outside of their race being labeled as having a "preference" when, unlike Chad Ochocinco, they haven't themselves made any statement indicating that that is the case. Both issues relate to the ability or lack of ability of black women to be in the company of these men as often as other races of women are.

1. Black women are dissed for pursuing athletes. When it comes to well-known black men, athletes in particular, dating outside their race, it's interesting to see black women rush to stick up for other black women when they believe black women are being rejected. Too bad no one rushes to black women's defense when they are putting themselves in positions to meet these men.

Any time there is a event or club appearance that is going to feature athletes, all of those women get lumped into the category of groupie or ho or golddigger. It doesn't matter that your intention may be to just go and hang with your friends, you're going to be painted under that umbrella and negative comments will follow. I have even seen people call women who have athlete boyfriends gold diggers even though they have no idea how they met. I was, quite frankly, appalled at the comments on blogs and on my twitterfeed about the Basketball Wives. I didn't like how comfortable black women were referring to other black women as whores and golddiggers having as yet no real insight into the relationships between those women and the athletes they dated.

When I've been out hanging with athletes I see more "other" types of women making a point to get close to these men. One night out in VIP at Mansion in MIA and you can see right away why so many athletes are stepping outside of the black box.

It must be noted that athletes are not the only types of men who have groupies. Many times athletes are groupies themselves [video model meet athlete, athlete meet video model]. Yet the black woman as groupie gets the lions share of attention and the blame for that belongs squarely in black people's hands.

Conclusion: you want athletes to go out of their way to date black women but you don't want black women to go out of their way to date athletes. Okay. Gotcha.

2. Don't disregard the issue of access. Last summer, Chad was playing around on Ustream during training camp and discussing interracial dating with his then teammate Laverneus Coles. Coles, who at the time had a girlfriend I believe was Black and Moroccan (if my memory serves me correctly), made a great point about access to athletes. He said that when he's going about his daily routine, he doesn't see a lot of black women.

Now, on its face you may think that's not true. But it absolutely is. When the Cincinnati Bengals played the Baltimore Ravens last year in October, I was invited out to dinner by Chad's then girlfriend. At the dinner Cincinnati staff, family, and friends (all white), and an HBO producer I believe from the Hard Knocks series (white). The black people were myself, Chad, and Coach Hue Jackson.

That got me thinking...whenever I have been around professional athletic team staff they have mostly been white people and quite a few white women. Then I begin thinking of the PR people and managers that work with athletes and IF they are women they are typically white or even Latina.

I took that further and applied it to college. I went to a predominantly white school that has produced quite a few professional athletes. At my alma mater there is a group of girls that are delegates to the football team. I remember there being MAYBE 1 or 2 black girls working as delegates while I was there. I never even considered becoming a delegate and neither did any of my black friends. Additionally, not very many black women majored in kinesiology or sports management, degree areas that put you in close contact with future or present athletes.

Conclusion: People largely date who's around them. Black women don't always enjoy the access to these men that other races of women do.

To speak to Chad specifically, even had he not expressed a preference, there was no way for him to win this round with black women. Right now he's being bashed because he is appearing to "reject" black women. But if he would have had an all black cast of women, the criticism of him would have been "Why do you have all those black women on TV acting "ghetto." Why do those women have to represent us?" [If you want an answer to that question, just ask yourself what type of woman has 3 weeks to spare from work and no reputation to damage?]

To bring this all together...

I realize that this issue is deeper than Chad, deeper than athletes and deeper than Deepwater Horizon. I know that those black men who appear on TV are merely representative and that black womens' main concern about this issue is the regular guys that may have non-black preferences which they believe limits their dating pool.

The problem with being angry about it is that if your contention is that a man who never dates black women may be self-hating, the next thing to consider is how that self-hate came about. Self-hate doesn't appear out of thin air. So let's say, there is a black man ~~Terrell Owens~~ who doesn't date black women because he was teased growing up and black women gave him no play before he had money. In order for that man to change you would need him to 1. recognize he has a preference (easy enough) 2. Recognize that preference as a symptom of something deeper (good luck) 3. Work to combat that preference (ah hell no).

With all the women out there in the world, asking a man to perform self-reflection on a choice that is non-damaging to HIM as an individual seems like a waste of time to me. And if you believe that the self-hate is due to socialization then it seems sort of unfair to single out black men for exhibiting this particular symptom.

Lots of people all around the world are intrigued by what they consider to be exotic. The difference with black women is that we've been fed a line of "black men are special" all of our lives whereas black men have not received the same message about black women. If it's fair to ask black men to evaluate how socialization has impacted their dating choices, it's just as fair to question those black women who ONLY want to date black men (a choice that actually DOES have consequences). And no one wants to do that right?

The Prince Interview Everyone Should See

2010-06-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

I was trying to watch some Prince videos on you tube which is basically impossible because he doesn't allow his music to appear on you tube...I ran across this AWESOME interview he did with Tavis Smiley. This is the best segment...I don't want to give it way. But I'd love to hear people's thoughts.

Shameless plug: My honey Gabi, the lovely lady behind the blog Young, Fat and Fabulous, is one of 20 finalists to be MTV's very first TJ (Twitter DJ). She's a great girl and she's dying to move to NY so she can hit the big time--which I know she will. The winner will move to NY and make $100K! You can help Gabi by following her on twitter as there will be a series of challenges she has to do and she will need help!

Whispers I Enjoyed the BET Awards

2010-06-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

Let's meditate on the title of this post....

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I don't even know what to say. Maybe I need another day to write about the BET awards. Of course then, no one will care. In fact, people may barely care now. So let me make this short.

Overall, I thought the show was well put together. At first I wasn't even going to watch because I don't like to watch things just to criticize. If I know I'm not going to like something, I just choose not to watch. But due to peer pressure all up in the tweets I gave in.

I missed the pre-show because...well...because I had better things to do. But I will admit to catching Souljah Boy's performance and jigging to Pretty Boy Swag (you mad?).

The actual show began with Kanye West performing his new song "Power." I wanted to like the performance but it actually kinda bored me a little. I stopped watching and I didn't even realize that I had.

Alicia Keys performed a medley of her hits. There was some mention of her being artist of the decade...or wowing folks? Well... I think Alicia Keys is talented. However, over the years it's become clear that her vocals are strained and forced and she's not as good a piano player as originally touted. Her performance was "okay."

Diddy and Dirty Money also performed. The smoke effects were OVERDONE you could barely see anyone. Still, he had a great set. He started out with his verse from "O let's do it" remix. Now Waka Flocka is my future baby's daddy so I hoped he would come out. BUT Rick Rozay and Nicki Minaj did make it out for "Hello Goodmorning" and I can't deny that song KNOCKS. Unfortunately, Nicki's ODB impression on that song is a fail. I can't understand her. I love Nicki so I was happy to see her regardless.

Two pleasant surprises of the night: El Debarge sang a medly of Debarge hits. He sounded great and actually went twice (which was kinda weird). Also weird was the fact that they didn't introduce him. The second surprise was Tyrese's tribute to Teddy Pendergrass. He wounded AWESOME.

The fail of the night goes to Trey Songz. Don't get me wrong, I think Trey is talented. He has a voice that you sort of either love or hate. But toward the end of his "performance," he launched in to Purple Rain, and sounded horrible from the first note. He then went on to ~~hit~~ miss a high note that scared the crap out of me. I didn't know you could have a nightmare while awake.

Trey...Prince was NOT pleased.

The moment of the night went to Chris Brown and his tribute to Michael Jackson. Jermaine Jackson came up to introduce Chris. But it was funny because the underlying theme of Jermaine's introduction was that Chris should have done the tribute last year. Jermaine said "one tribute hasn't been done. Here HE is." He didn't even say his name because apparently we were all supposed to know automatically.

Chris gave an awesome performance until the end when he was supposed to sing "Man in the Mirror." All the pain of the past year and the weight of being able to honor one of his heroes seem to catch up to him and he broke down crying and never recovered. Lots of people said they didn't believe the tears were genuine. Needless to say, I disagree. Chris was wrong for beating Rihanna down; however, he's very young and clearly needs counseling. Hard to hate Chris Brown and celebrate James Brown and Marvin Gaye and all the other myriad woman beaters who have entertained us over the years.

The disappointment of the night award goes to my girlcrush Nicki Minaj. I believe she performed 3 or 4 times. Each time, she lip synched. That is a RIDICULOUS thing for a rapper to do and simply unacceptable. I don't know whose idea it was but she needs to fire them and use her own brain. On what planet is it okay for a new artist who's not a dancer to give effort the finger like that? She lost major points with me. I still think she's talented, but I can love someone and be honest about their flaws at the same time (unlike a lot of people).

Speaking of people that people don't like. Drake. Drake. Drake. Drake never performs well so I used his time on stage to pet my dog and grab a beer. How did he do?

Finally, the Prince tribute.

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Rumor has it that Prince hand-picked the people who honored him. He looked pleased (or as pleased as Prince can look) during the performances. However, I must admit, the tribute did NOTHING for me personally. Janelle Monae sang "Let's Go Crazy." She's young and apparently didn't understand the song was about loving and living life to the fullest. Not about smoking crack and having a nervous breakdown, which is exactly what she looked like she'd been doing.

She ran across the stage like her ass was on fire. Nevertheless, the girl's got moves and she sounded great. But that was a Janelle Monae performance, nothing about it said "Prince."

Esperanza Spaulding, who is very talented and has never really had a mainstream moment, sang "If I was your girlfriend." She.bored.me.to.tears. And NOTHING about her performance was sexy. Like Monae she channeled HERSELF not Prince.

Alicia Keys was Alicia Keys. Girl bye.

Patti Labelle was the last to sing for Prince and she did Purple Rain. Now, we all love Miss Patti. But I must say, she is the ONLY one that could get way with the howling she launched into. Prince was near tears and seemed to love every moment though. Hard to criticize Patti, her voice is amazing.

Of course, twitter always makes awards shows more fun. Although, last night I'm not sure if that was true. One comment I made last night is that I think that people hate current artists because they THINK they should, not because they actually do. I saw a lot of tweets about how this generation has no talent. Mind you, this was from people who are my age. Same age as TI, Alicia Keys etc. I think there was a lot of talent on the stage at the BET awards and it was odd to see people tweeting as though the show was filled with hacks.

No matter what musical genre you're into, you're not going to like every act. Sometimes music is just about entertainment and nothing more. It's like people go to the club and they're all like "that's my song, that's my shit" but when they're watching the BET awards it's all "These coons. This is so embarrassing." I think a lot of people are VERY confused. I've blogged last year about how there's always been different types of music, some serious, some silly, some sexual, some intellectual. There's room for all. And nostalgia gets in the way of comparing today's artists with yesterday's.

Anyway, I'm sure I left some stuff out, but hey, that's what the comment section is for right?

Prediction: BET Will Piss Off Fans of Michael Jackson and Prince

2010-06-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

Just in case you've been hiding under one of Rick ~~Ross's~~ Rozay's man mounds for the past week, I will tell you that today is the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. *pours out some Jesus juice*

I'm not going to get into how much I love Michael Jackson because, for some reason, ever since he died, it seems that people are in some sort of strange competition over who loved Jackson the most while he was still alive. As someone who told my mom that I was going to marry Michael Jackson and cried when she said, "By the time you're old enough to marry him, he'll be dead," I'm not interested in playing that game.

Plus, unless you're one of those people who showed up every day of his trial to greet him as he entered court but weren't able to because you fainted and had to be rushed to the hospital OR you flew to LA upon hearing of his death and performed Thriller with a bunch of other ~~mental cases~~ fans in the middle of the street, your love really ain't all that true now is it?

To sum it up:

You love Michael, I love Michael, we all love Michael.

While I'm here:

You hate BET, I hate BET, we all hate BET.

But unfortunately, BET will, on Sunday, endeavor to pay tribute to Michael Jackson (again) and Prince (Argh!). Jackson's tribute, I assume, is not only a result of the anniversary of his death, but also spurred by the fact that BET so terribly embarrassed itself with the dreadful tribute it paid last year just a few days after Jackson died.

If you missed that God awful show, let me give you the highlights: Michael Jackson dies, BET announces they will pay tribute so that we all will watch their already-planned awards show, we all watch, the show opens with ~~The Fat Boys~~ New Edition doing their impression, I mean, rendition of The Jackson 5 (senior cocaine addict edition), Neyo performs 10 times (I rounded up from 9) doing various songs that I cannot remember, Ciara performs once (including that one time she shouldn't have performed AT ALL), Keri Hilson also performed--and I use the word "perform" VERY loosely--somehow confusing Michael Jackson with Elvis Presley (must have been the nose), and Jamie Foxx made an appearance that I barely remember but I am 100% sure was totally unnecessary. After the show ended somehow Chris Brown became the focal point because, you know, there was no way to honor Michael Jackson successfully without handing Rihanna's whack-a-mole partner a get-out-of-jail free card and a rhinestone glove.

I maintain that BET should have put together a somber slide show akin to the ones the Oscars put together for dead actors, and followed it by showing a complete classic Michael Jackson performance and ended with someone who could REALLY SING performing a song (not necessarily by Michael Jackson) in dedication to him. BET could have, a few weeks later, interrupted it's regular programming (*snickers*) to have a real tribute. But knowing them they would have still botched it. So this paragraph is really neither here nor there or at Neverland Ranch.

Moving on.

Only God knows what BET will put together on Sunday, but JD knows she ain't interested.

Prince will receive the lifetime achievement award, and if I know Prince like I think I do (which is somewhat but not really at all) he was PISSED when he found out that BET was going to ~~fuck him over~~ honor him. Actually, the reason I know he was pissed is because right after he was told about the tribute I heard him scream WHY ME LAWWWWWWD, a shriek that travelled all the way from his mansion in Minneapolis to my tiny Barracks Row townhouse in Washington DC. Quite frankly, I'm not too happy my damn self. WHY YOU LAWWWWD, I screamed back at Prince Rogers Nelson.

Growing up there were 4 artists who truly inspired me: Michael Jackson, Prince, Terence Trent D'arby, and Billy Ocean.

What?

And I'll be damned if I sit idly by while BET uses my affection for any one of the four in order to drum up ratings for their silly ass network. A few years back Michael Jackson said fuck all these awards shows I'mma organize my own tribute to MYSELF. And he did. And out marched a cadre of talented but ill-equipped people who performed his songs as he clapped with the joy of a 3 year old eating an ice cream sandwhich: Usher, Jill Scott, Mya (remember her? no? okay), Whitney Houston's remaining body, and Beyonce's jelly and its background dancers Michelle and Kelly to name a few.

The show was a train wreck. But Michael was happy and that's all that mattered.

But Prince isn't Michael Jackson. Oh no no no no. Prince isn't in it just for the attention (yeah I said it, Michael Jackson liked attention at all costs. Don't believe me? Have you ever seen Prince dangle any of his jump offs off the side of a balcony? I didn't think so!). Prince isn't just a sexy M.F. like his song says, he's a classy one too. And none of the artists that would be down enough on their luck to perform at the BET awards are worthy of singing a Prince song much less actually trying to "perform" it in front of him.

Prince isn't just an entertainer, he's a composer, a talented writer, an instrumentalist, and all around musician. He's a private man that still likes to perform at small venues and only does interviews...well...never. When you honor someone like Prince, you have to think outside of the box. You don't just go grab the nearest black people you can find. You don't just call Trey Songz and Beyonce and let them loose on stage. That's like putting an AMG body kit on a Mercedes that doesn't have an AMG engine...sure, people do it. But they're assholes!

I can only pray that BET didn't reach for the usual suspects. On twitter people threw around names from Lenny Kravitz to Van Hunt to Maxwell. Let's hope BET considered them as well. I think that Prince's tribute might be cause to call in a few of our cream colored friends. That's what the Grammy's did when it was time to honor James Brown. Christina Aguilera was their choice to be exact. Now we don't know who all BET has chosen, but this is a perfect time to form a prayer circle and hope for the best.

I personally don't like the idea of honoring Prince on Sunday. If BET wants to honor someone of Prince's stature, which, by the way, in many ways he's the only one of his particular stature, he should get his own special. He shouldn't be forced to have the first tribute to him occur during BET's routine ratchet recognition show. Nor should his tribute have to compete with the memory of one of the few artists of his time that is more famous than himself.

So in actuality, this is not really a prediction because, as a fan of both artists, I'm already pissed off. So really BET has nothing to lose. So tribute away you incompetent jerks! **I won't be watching.

**By "I won't be watching" I mean I will be reading tweets and then when the Prince tribute begins, I will quickly turn on my TV and begin to bash everything that BET does declaring everyone who works for the network unworthy of washing Prince's dirty drawers much less touching his raspberry beret. On the off chance that they actually do a good job honoring him...you know what, there's no need to finish that sentence.

Hey, Can You Do Me A Favor?? The Friend Conundrum

2010-06-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

If only you knew how many texts, BBMs, emails, FB messages, and tweets I get that begin this way. Just in the past month I have looked over and edited countless resumes, proposals, speeches, and all manner of everything else written or communications related.

Oh and I can't forget all the advice I've been asked to provide from how to promote an event to how to start a non profit.

At this point, if I get a call from a friend I’m 89% positive it’s because they need me to do something. I’m all for helping friends with their projects, events, and other needs but sometimes it becomes overwhelming.

One thing that sucks about being asked to look over written materials is that often the people who are giving it to you either don’t write very well or don’t put a lot of thought into what they wrote because they know that you will fix it.

The other thing that bothers me is that people don’t seem to realize how long it takes it to look over something and assist them with it. So I constantly get things they people need edited or reviewed right away. I have enough deadlines at the office. I don’t need them at home.

I think it wouldn’t get so upset over being constantly asked to look over things if the there was reciprocation—but alas I’m perennially the giver not the taker. Quite frankly, I can’t blame it all on my friends because I’m really at a loss in terms of what I could even ask any of them to help me with.

It’s difficult to say no to people because I don’t want to be viewed as the friend who isn’t there for people. And I don’t want anyone to say that the one time they asked me to do something I didn’t do it—especially if that person hasn’t ever asked me to do anything for them.

But I have my own side projects going on with this blog, and my Media Analysis blog, plus the Youtube talk show that I’m trying to develop. And it’s kinda hard to focus on MY SHIT when everyone wants me focused on THEIR SHIT. I don’t even know why I wrote this because I’m probably not going to DO SHIT about it. I guess I’m just feeling a little used...and you know, misery loves company.

This blog post is a special shout out to @ASmith86 (Diamond Dust), I know she feels my pain!

My Best Friend: So Close Yet So Far Away

2010-06-18T00:35:00.000-07:00

Today I realized that my best friend and I haven’t seen each other in almost a year. Sure we've talked...but we haven't actually gotten together. He lives in Woodbridge, I live in DC. *waits for you to google map it* Yes, it’s true, it’s only about 45 minutes away. But I get super busy and traffic is bad and he got married last year and they have baby. Blah. Life. Blah. *cries*

I love my best friend. We used to combine our names like they were one. When he hasn’t heard from me in a while he asks what happened to Darrelsarah (okay clearly those are not our names but you get my point). My best friend is EVERYTHING. He’s the nicest guy you’ve ever met, a doctor, a family man, smart but not pretentious, and very handsome. Oo and good at math. I am blessed to have him in my life.

That’s why I hate that we never see each other anymore. And I hate even more that the older you get the more you have to put forth an effort to hang with your friends. It’s not like my days at Temple when all my friends were in a dorm and we could hang at will. Now all my friends from college are spread out from California to Texas to New York to Florida. It’s frustrating.

It seems like once you reach a certain age people are either hanging constantly with their significant other or schedules keep conflicting. And sometimes, the more social you are the more you miss your friends. For example, I may want or need to attend an event and my friend has an event she has to attend on the same night. So we keep missing each other. It shouldn’t be that hard. Sure I hang with people I know and like, but as I get older I'm finding it increasingly hard to hang with the people I desire to be around the most.

There’s really no point to this post except I felt like sharing my feelings.

Girl, Why Is He Living With You????

2010-06-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on twitter I started a discussion about a trend I’m noticing among young black men and women. I was too lazy to blog it at the time, but then the replies got OUT OF CONTROL. I simply could not respond to them all. So people suggested I blog about it anyway to give people an opportunity to comment. Therefore if this post gets no comments, I will be throwing MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SHADE. And when I throw shade I break windows (and get all up in your mental).

Now to the post…

Lately, I’ve been noticing an uptick in college educated black men who are living with their girlfriends because they cannot afford to live on their own. Obviously, if two people make a mutual financial decision to live together (as many do in expensive cities like LA, NY, and DC) that’s fine. But I’m noticing this in my friends across the country even in cheaper places.

What initially made me want to write about this is the fact that many young women aren’t aware that their men are remaining in relationships with them ONLY because they provide a household. Whether that means he gets to come over to your house to escape his roommates or whether it means he moves in with you and contributes to the household to the extent that he can.

Once again, if two people decide that it’s financially better for BOTH of them to move in together, that’s one thing--especially in a recession. But I’m worried about the increasing number of men I see who move in with women they KNOW they will break up with as soon as they get on their feet.

Clearly, both sexes can be users. But I’m concerned about this dynamic in particular. I’ve been thinking about this as I see so many of my college educated male friends meandering about doing nothing in particular and my college educated female friends buying houses and getting promoted steadily up the chain. I don’t think this lopsided dynamic is particular to my circle.

If this is actually is a real trend its consequential and women should take heed. For example, men complain every time a celebrity male gets divorced and has to pay alimony, but in real life, especially in the black community, women are the ones who suffer more in divorces because they typically have more to lose. In fact, women are also suffering more in the marriages because the men may have multiple children and therefore the new, possibly childless, wife’s income may be considered for child support purposes depending on the state/circumstances.

Two things:

I just want women to be more aware of REALITY. The meme is always that black women are out to get something from someone else, but that's not what's actually happening by and large. Modern women need to not only protect their emotional assets but their financial assets as well.

The flip side of this is to ask why is it that black college educated black men take so long to figure out a path? I asked a few men and they had varying responses. On twitter @isportpolitics said that he believes many men are getting degrees to say they have them or because it’s what you’re supposed to do and then there’s no action. Another friend said that he believes women think more about establishing themselves early because they have to be prepared to have a family younger where as men can wait forever. Of course this has nothing to do with the propensity to use people, which to be fair I think and hope is rare.

On a side note, I wonder if black men are not getting the support they need to thrive whether as a child or at institutions of higher learning...just a thought.

Comments?

When It Comes to Relationship Complaints, Men Have It Wrong

2010-06-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

Last week rapper Slim Thug set off a firestorm when he complained about black women not standing by their men. In his post for the "online magazine" Vibe, (which really wasn't so much a post as much as a weirdly recorded and transcribed rant i.e. a setup) he made a lot of generalizations about black women that were unfair and immediately garnered a negative response across the twittasphere and blogosphere.

I wanted to write about this incident last week but felt it had been done to death. At the time, I tweeted a few things to Slim Thug. Summary: Just because a woman doesn't hold YOU down doesn't mean she won't do so for someone else. You may want to reconsider the types of women you deal with.

Rather than attack Slim Thug's statements I felt it was better to encourage him to reflect on his own choices--something that women are always encouraged to do. In fact, even more than encouraged to be introspective women are often pushed into taking blame for the choices of their men. From magazine articles to silly ass books by the likes of Steve Harvey, women are told to use their actions to manipulate their men's actions into the positive. In other words, rather than expect and demand that men be decent because it's the right thing to do, it becomes the woman's job to use various Barnum and Bailey tactics to trick him into action like some helpless circus animal.

In my mind, the fact that women are constantly urged to be responsible for themselves and others makes me, and presumably other women, extra sensitive to comments like the ones Slim Thug made. I believe that many men have issues with women because even more than women generalize men (e.g. all men are dogs) men generalize women and it always works to their detriment.

The majority of my close friends are male, and when they relay stories to me about what their women are or aren't doing, it's difficult to explain to them that the deficiencies in their relationship have more to do with the woman's disinterest than it does with women in general having bad relationship habits.

For example, if you are with a woman who never cooks for you yet this is something that is important to you, two things could be happening. 1. She doesn't like you enough to please you in that manner or 2. You have a fundamental disagreement about how important this issue is in the relationship. However, most men tend to think of this issue as a reflection of the fact that modern women don't cook anymore.

Sometimes failings in a relationship are indicative of a lack of investment e.g. someone dating someone just so that they're not alone). Once again, just because she's not cooking for you doesn't mean she didn't cook for the last man or that she won't cook for the next one. Replace the word "cook" with "perform oral sex," "listen to your problems," "hold you down," "pay like she weigh," or any number of other actions a man may desire a woman perform, and you have the same scenario.

When men brainwash themselves into believing that all women are ______, they cheat themselves. This type of logic pushes you to stay in relationships that aren't healthy for you because you believe that if you move on to the next woman the same patterns will reappear. The reality is, should you choose the right woman next time, the issues that you have with your current woman won't be issues at all.

To be clear, I do believe that there are some distinct patterns emerging in men and women that prevent us from having healthy relationships. So yes there are some behavioral commonalities but still most of this boils down to the two individuals involved. The generalization trap is one that men tend to fall into, in particular black men who tend to have an extra need to be cherished in a relationship whether they like to admit or not.

I sympathize with Slim Thug to the extent that due to his profession he may in fact be blinded and confused by his choices. On one hand, he may need a certain type of woman to present a particular image to the public. On the other hand, that type of woman might leave him lonely and wanting for a real connection. I believe that when rapper Talib Kweli jumped in to defend Slim Thug, he did so because, as one of Thug's peers he could identify to some degree.

To that end, it doesn't mean that either man hates women or hates black women. It just means that like many men, they haven't begun to successfully explore all of their options. Perhaps they feel boxed in by the women that are immediately available. Once again, the response to that is not to verbally batter these men but to encourage them to reach for something substantive rather than something easy.

Censorship: The Pain in My Blog's Ass

2010-06-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

If there's anything I've learned during my short stint blogging and tweeting, it's that not everyone likes my style:

A grand total of 10 people have blocked me on twitter. How rude!

Let's be clear, I'm not a nasty person and I try to always address people with whom I disagree with tact; however, I didn't start blogging and tweeting to censor myself. I have a full time job that requires every bit of political savvy that I possess. In fact, I'm known for how well I deal with various personalities and my ability form a consensus when necessary--even among the most unreasonable groups of people. I am a master at leading without authority and have been rewarded routinely over the course of my 10 year career for being able to do so.

When I started blogging back in October, I did so because I needed a place to put all my opinions, a place to address those things I observe that bother me. I didn't know anything about the blogosphere or how it works. And quite frankly, I didn't care much.

Quickly, I've learned that the blogosphere is like the real world on cocaine and pills. Everyone is censoring and pretending to be friends in the interest of networking. It's faker and smaller than any political circle I've ever had to navigate, which is funny given that lots of bloggers are super critical of politicos in their blog posts. I understand this dynamic very well and I'm fine with other people playing the game in the interest of wherever they're trying to go in life.

But HaT isn't taking me anywhere, I'm already where I need to be. My writing and opinions on serious issues of the day have been and continue to be published across the globe under my real name (which is none of your business). If I have to censor myself in the interest of not making waves, then I don't see the point in blogging at all.

Over the weekend, I had a major urge to deconstruct Marc Lamont Hill's claims that he was harassed by Philadelphia police Friday night/Saturday morning while dropping someone off. I elected NOT to write extensively about the issues I had with Hill's story on this blog because I knew that it would cause major waves throughout twitter and the blogosphere. (He's a decorated professor, how dare you question him! This kind of thing happens to black men all the time, we don't need people dismissing their claims!!)

In fact, I had an offensive back and forth on twitter via direct message with someone who claimed to be a friend of Hill who basically said I was hating on him and being silly and immature. The exchange was surprising seeing as how I thought I was simply exercising my critical thinking skills, not tryna bring a young brotha down.

Nevertheless, as I said, I elected not to write my complete thoughts--otherwise known as selling out. I decided it wasn't worth the drama. I've often gone against the crowd on this blog and also on twitter and it's tiring. It's much easier to ignore some conversations because the amount of bandwagoning that goes on is painful to watch.

Anyway, now that I think about it further the decision not to write about Hill may have been silly. I've received a lot of comments offline about the Hill story with no one wanting to comment either in the public timeline or even on my very benign blog post about the issues they personally had about his claims. Probably for the same reasons I stated above.

Not to say that this blog post was spurred just by the Hill story, I've thought about the content that I post on this blog and also to twitter a lot. Sometimes I make the right decision and sometimes I make the wrong one. Sometimes I censor myself and then see someone else write the same post I wanted to write (and with less skill might I add!) and then I kick myself for being so damn nice.

I'd be interested to see what other bloggers have to say about this issue. Do you feel pressure to censor yourself in the interest of peace and/or prosperity? I've said a million times, "what some bloggers won't do for a $10 adsense check. I am just not one of those people.

Am I Bourgie?? Oh God...I Hope Not!

2010-06-09T21:57:00.000-07:00

I've never purchased a copy of this magazine.
I swear!!

Yesterday I sent a friend over to one of my favorite newly discovered blogs Black And Bougie. I thought she would love BnB because the writer, Chele, is a great writer and her dating stories are epic! My friend, a six-figure-sista who hails from South Carolina, went to the blog immediately. She sent me a message that said

"Hilarious. I added the blog as a favorite. However, I am giving you the side eye 'cause I fight REALLY hard to keep my geddough status! LOL"

I immediately responded back by saying "Me too! You know I'm anti-boug but Chele seems down-to-earth plus the writing is good."

Obviously my friend was making a joke, but under every joke lies some truth. There are some of us successful black folk that cringe at the thought of being considered among the bourgie classes of people. Something about all that drinking with the pinky up just don't seem right to me! [Joke alert: put the diamond encrusted antique knives down]

Recently a friend that takes pleasure in getting me riled up insisted that I am bourgie. I said, "No, I'm country." And he said "No, your bourgie. You drive a Land Rover, you make a lot of money, you have a pure bred German Shepherd that looks like a show dog. You're bourgie."

*cries*

How can I be bourgie? Do you know how many string beans I can pick and snap in an hour?? And my friend might drive a 745 BMW but she does so BAREFOOT half the damn time. I mean how bourgie can we be???? I didn't grow up with money, I didn't go to an HBCU and I'm not Greek. I say this because most bourgie people I know fit 1 or all 3 of those criteria. Certainly, I went to a prestigious school but it was a predominately white institution and firmly working class...well..maybe not "firmly" but still!

That makes me wonder, what makes someone bourgie? On some level I feel like one of those rappers or athletes that leaves the hood but still feels like they have to keep it real. Except no one in my past is insisting that I do so. HELP! Bourgie people, explain yo selves.

VH1 Chops and Screws The South. Disrespectful!!

2010-06-07T20:48:00.000-07:00

If you read my blog you know I'm country and proud of it. Southern people are always the subjects of mainstream mockery, northern people say: your music is ignorant, your rappers aren't talented/not real hip hop, your accents are too heavy, and your cities are wack.

On those rare occasions there is an opportunity to see southern peopled honored (which is never), I try to support. So last night I watched the VH1 Hip hop Honors thinking it was about time someone at least pretended to understand the enormous contributions the south has made to music.

The show started off on a strong note with Uncle Luke and Trick Daddy performing one of my favorite rap songs of all time, "Scarred." Scarred is one of those songs that could fall through the cracks if you're not a real dirty south fan. Luke brought out Trick Daddy who performed his entire verse coherently.

The next set, which was also a win, featured "Mind's playing tricks on Me" a tribute to the Geto Boys, one of the greatest hip hop groups of all time. I learned from twitter that Scarface boycotted the show because he was offended by the south being slighted once again. He felt the show was a way to pacify the south while still confining it to a box. I agree with the first part...but the second part about the south being put into a box is a tough one for me. People are more critical of southern hip hop, it really doesn't matter when or where it's featured. But I do see his larger point, I'm just not sure if it's a solvable issue.

Timbo got some well-deserved...shine.

In addition to the Geto Boyz, AK peformed "Po Pimp," Juvenile did "Nolia Clap" (a pleasant surprise) and Bun B and Drake performed "Get Thowed." Pimp C is one of my top 5 rappers and Drake did a fine job with Pimp's verse.

But the Drake appearance was the beginning of too many non southern faces making cameos. From The Game, to Asher Roth, to Lauren London (what??), Nelly and Fabolous, the rest of the country suddenly took over the one show that belonged to us.

The rest of the sets featured many missteps. During the VA set, Timbaland was clearly sick when he recorded his confessional. Keri Hilson bungled her verse on "The Way You Are." Magoo was no where to be found and neither were The Neptunes or Teddy Riley. Missy did perform and did a fabulous job but the attention was given to Timbo. Odd, because Missy is an independent producer, and songwriter and should have been given EQUAL treatment.

That brings me to the women. Only one other Lady rapper was featured, Trina, and she was dreadfully misused. How dare you have Trick and Trina on the same show and not have them perform "Nan?" Are they beefing or something? There was no sign of Mia X during No Limit's set, and TN wasn't represented at all. So that meant 8 ball and MJG and Three Six Mafia weren't there, much less Gangsta Boo and La Chat. At that point I would have settled for an appearance byYoung Buck and UTP or even Justin Timberlake! Anybody from TN would have been nice.

Mia X, former member of No Limit and hip hop's
Southern Belle.

ATL also got the shaft. JD get the the most prominent ATL set Organized Noise also got a set but Outkast, Young Bloodz, and the full Goodie Mob Group weren't there. Bone Crusher got shine but Pastor Troy wasn't there and neither was Drama or Lil Scrappy? No sign of Ludacris either. TI gave a half hearted performance, maybe he should have sat this one out. Some old school TI would have been nice. And I'm definitely a lover of The Gucci Mane but he shouldn't have done an ATL set. I was however, impressed with his rendition of "Miss My Homies."

VH1 also neglected to focus on some of the lesser known people and groups that made an impact. Lots of tweets about Tela, Field Mob, Nappy Roots, Ghost town DJs, 95 south, 69 Boyz. Real dirty south fans were watching and we weren't happy. And the conspicuous absence of Lil Wayne, currently in prison, and the rest of the Hot Boyz (besides Juvenile) left a huge gaping hole in the show.

The VH1 honors catered to the casual male fan of southern hip hop. The dudes that only know southern rap from what's played on the radio but even through their ignorance of the genre are convinced it's all a "gimmick." I think they assumed that doing a real tribute to dirty south hip hop would have gone over most people's heads. As we know, when you do something half-assed you get a half-assed result.

Scarface was right, we all should have boycotted this one.

Will I Ever Be A Southern Belle?

2010-06-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

If only they had a black doll :(
Oh to wear something like this everyday!

Both Dixie Carter and Rue McClanahan passed away this year. I was a fan of both ladies and I felt a sense of sadness at the passing of two southern belles I looked up to growing up--well, as much as you can look up to TV characters.

I always wanted to be a southern belle: sophisticated, refined, well-dressed, and welcoming. I've mastered the last two, still working on the first two.

I first learned what it meant for a woman to have class and taste at church. Every Sunday my paternal grandmother, who was quite the belle herself (but not as conscious of it as some of her friends), would pick me up and cart me to the Baptist church not 3 miles from our house. I would sit beside her in the pew watching all the women and their fancy hats and well-made suits.

Although the black church gets a lot of attention for being flashy, the women who attended my church were elegant and gracious. I remember thinking even as a little girl that some day I would grow up to be one of those women. A woman who tended to her husband and children, baked pies for the church and neighbors, and was an example of how to be a lady at all times.

Back then I played a belle on Sundays. I was tomboy Monday-Saturday, but on Sundays I put on my slip, dress suits (that my momma would make from JC Penny patterns), mary janes, and purple velvet and wool church coat (or rabbit fur jacket and muffs depending on my mood).

Eventually, I grew up to be a slightly-less-edgy slightly-more-bellelish version of my mother. My mom is the sweetest person you'll ever meet, but not one to go out of her way to know everyone, and certainly not someone concerned with "behaving appropriately." My mom, who sold her motorcycle to her brother after she got married, loves to recount the story of the time she was a teenager riding in the car with her Aunt True.

Photo courtesey of Open.Salon.com
This woman reminds me of the many women
who attended my church growing up.

My memories of True were mostly of her being critical and mean to my mother. She could be cold, but loved to play the injured belle when convenient. She was rarely disrespected by anyone close to her. That day, my mother uttered one of her famous curse words in Aunt True's presence. Aunt True said: "That is NOT ladylike!" To which my mother responded, "Who said I was a fucking lady?"

Both of my grandmothers passed away before I entered high school. I remember looking through my maternal grandmother's suit closet in awe. I claimed all the ones that would fit as my own. I even took her size 7.5 heels, and thus begin my shoe addiction. I still have some of them. A classy woman's wardrobe never really goes out of style.

Despite all that, still I faltered. I can't help but think that somewhere between absorbing my mom's subconscious rebellion against meekness and finding not a lot of use for femininity around my hometown neighborhood, I lost my belle in the wind of Virginia's sweaty summers. Somehow I became less Julia Sugarbaker and more Mary Jo Shiveley.

I never got my belle back. But I never stopped looking up to those types of women.

My favorite Television southern belle.
Classy, elegant, gracious and sharp as a tack.

Dixie Carter. who played Julia Sugarbaker on Designing Women was my favorite southern belle. I remember watching DW and attempting to memorize every detail of Julie's suits and mannerisms. I remember thinking THAT'S what a woman should be like.

McClanahan, most well-known for playing Blanche Devereaux on Golden Girls (which aired about the same years as Designing Women), the hot and bothered proud southern woman, was a transformative figure as it pertains southern belle tv portrayals. This wasn't a southern damsel in distress (see: Delta Burke as Suzanne Sugarbaker) or the woman who was southern as an after-thought (see: Annie Potts as Mary Jo Shively).

A southern belle should be welcoming and full of life.

Southern women on television were typically in films about slavery or shown infrequently as dainty and conniving post-slavery white women [good luck finding many black southern belles in entertainment]. Devereaux's character, however, combined the southern belle's dignity with the modern girls' pursuit of sexual freedom. Somehow McClanahan's character achieved balance without contradiction.

I should be so lucky. I suppose it's not too late to hitch my horse back up to my southern belle dreams. Over the years, I've learned to be proud of my accent and give in to my sensitivity when necessary. I've cleaned up my wardrobe tremendously and I am quite the gracious host(ess).

I guess all hope isn't lost. Otherwise I'll have to stop aspiring to be a southern belle and settle for just being a southern girl. Still something to be proud of.

File this under Satire: 5 Ways Smart Women Can Avoid Being Dumped

2010-06-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

As you all know, HaT is a respectable blog...but every now and then I cave into the demands of the masses. I mean who wants to read about Populism and Practical Limits of Outrage. People want the ratchet. And today, I plan to deliver. Today's guest post taps into the ratchetness...err...I mean usefulness that is the relationship blog written by black men. Cause who better to school black women on everything they're doing wrong then bitter $10 adsense check negroes with mild senses of humor. Check it out!

Every now and then we at RatchetMaleOpinions get a letter from one of our female readers seeking our sage advice. Or sometimes we don't get a letter from a female reader, we make one up when we feel like addressing a topic that might come off as sexist if we don't pretend like a woman wrote in to ask us question the answer to which is obvious to everyone except her. But anyway, that's notimportant. Here's the note we received *wink*:

Dear RatchetMaleOpinions,

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm smart, funny, I work out, and dress well. I'm basically the kind of girl guys "say" they want. I watch sports and I fix my man's plate at the cookout. Despite all this, I have been dumped in every relationship I've ever been in. In all three relationships the men seemed intimidated by my Ivy League education and the fact that I've been published in numerous journals. I've been told that I'm "too smart." I don't understand why my brilliance would be scaring men off. I don't want to end up alone with only a prestigious job, books, and numerous professional accolades to hold. HELP ME?!?!!

Signed,

Educated and Lonely (and Stupid as Hell)

Well, baby doll, all your boy can say is WOW! Listen, we men are really simple. All we want is a woman who will do everything for us the way our momma did and give good head while doing it. I'm not sure what that has to do with your question, but I'm generally an ignorant person and I felt like throwing that in there.

But I digress.

Sure men like smart women but like the guys said, we don't want a woman who's too smart. Remember, we men have egos. Yeah yeah yeah we should work to overcome our insecurities but the reality is there's 10 women to every 1.5 man (one man, one midget), so we don't have to. Since we won't change any time soon, I have 5 tips to help prevent you from scaring off the next good man you date.

1. Be smart but not too smart. A man wants a woman that can keep up with him in a debate, not a woman who leaves him in a dust. Be intelligent but don't show off. For example, if you and your man are discussing the oil spill in the gulf, it's fine to point out the need for additional regulations...but unless your man is a geophysicist, there's really no need to fill him on why the top kill method was ineffective from the beginning.

2. Speak softly. It's one thing to enjoy witty repartee with a woman it's another thing to be loud-talked. And even if you're not loud-taking, talking loud simply isn't ladylike. It also makes us question whether we can bring you around mamma'nem. And who cares how smart you are if mamma'nem get to neck rolling and teeth sucking when you come around. No bueno. Next time you and your man get into any type of heated debate, the best thing to do is take the bass down a notch.

3. Show a lot of Cleavage. That way when you start talking all "global warming is affecting our planet in ways we'll only know hundreds of years from now and what about our grandchildren," it will be easier to digest. Everything sounds better coming from a woman with a gianormous...

4. Rack up less stuff. Sometimes it's not about the education as much as it is about what the education has allowed you to afford. Once again, I know this wreaks of insecurity but damn, what's a man supposed to do when he drives a Corolla and you pull up in a brand new Volvo. Sometimes toning it down is best. The first thing a man wonders when he sees you is "can I afford this woman." And when the answer is no, things can only go downhill from there.

5. Save the heavy discussion for your girlfriends. Need I say more?

So yeah ladies, these are just a few things you can do to keep the 1 good black man left on earth from running away from your turn as Gabrielle Union in Daddy's Girls...and Deliver us From Eva....and pretty much every other movie she's played in.

Okay fellas, do you have others?? Help the ladies out!!! ***

***I vomited immediately after writing this.

The GOP and the Problem with Populism

2010-05-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

Over the past 8 years the GOP has come undone. There's barely a trace of the conservatism of old...the type of conservatism that yielded some of the most productive think tanks in the history of this country and used the information gleaned to build consistent policies--whether you agreed with them or not. But now, GOP policies are all over the map. At this point, the biggest indicator of conservatism is being anti: anti-intellectuals (not intellectualism), anti-government, anti-regulation, anti-anything remotely progressive.

Some would say that the reason for the GOP's lack of a cohesive philosophy or strategy in modern times is due to a general deterioration in political relationships on both sides of the aisle combined with the emergence of neo-conservatism which is not really conservatism at all. Additionally, many blame the GOP's direction (or lack thereof) on its decision to empower its religious base, a group that has showed an appalling lack of care or sensitivity for matters ranging from race to fiscal policy.

All of those factors play a role; however, I would argue that the biggest contributor to the GOP's lack of rationality is its increasingly populist approach to governing. Many of the GOP's positions on issues bare a strong resemblance to the polling results in red states and the ideals of the loudest pundits on the right. Clearly, both the GOP and the Democratic party are beholden to a certain extent to polls which, by the way, have become even more useless even as they've become more scientific and accurate in terms of the samples they represent [I may blog about the reasons for this at a later date.] However, the GOP has become particularly vulnerable and affected.

Recently, the GOP launched a new web site whereby it urged the public to speak out and help them shape their policy agenda. The Post ran a story on the site and pointed out that much of the commentary was at its best nonsensical and comical and at its worst inflammatory and incendiary.

The GOP's web site is concerning for many reasons but two main ones:

1. We have a representative form of government for a reason. The public elects people to Congress to represent them based on the assumption that the person has a set of principles that will guide their legislation. And, that they can, for the most part, independently apply those principles with intelligence and thoughtfulness in order to legislate.

2. In the GOP, we have a MAJOR political party that lacks a platform. Due to this fact, it has to turn to the public for answers. That, my friends, isn't leadership--it's "rule by committee," and that approach doesn't work on group projects in college and it most certainly won't work in our esteemed legislature. We pay tax dollars so that representatives can do the job of remaining more informed on more issues than the general public. Putting the general public in charge of legislative matters indicates a fundamental breakdown in the system.

Despite these pitfalls, populism in the GOP is gaining popularity. All one has to do is take a look at the success of Rand Paul to see the evidence. Rand Paul is very clearly a populist and the biggest evidence of it is his inconsistent application of States rights and blurry view of the role and purpose of legal decisions and legislation in shaping America's political landscape.

In other words, Paul seems to support a state's right to decide on issues that are popular among conservatives (and often not popular among all Americas) but believes legislation or legal action is necessary to halt implementation of policies conservatives don't like. Of course, he doesn't say this outright but a quick scan of his positions reveals a pattern.

Conservatives rushed to embrace Rand Paul. Fox News has gone out of its way to compare Paul to Sarah Palin accusing the media of attempting a take-down of both of them even though its clear both Paul and Palin's problems were caused by their own inability to speak intelligently on their own positions. Palin is another very good example of how populism can promote very undeserving and possibly dangerous figures to power.

Ta-Nehisi Coates pointed out on his blog for "The Atlantic," Populism "quickly indulges the prejudices of the mob." I must agree with that statement. A great example of this sort of populist-inspired mob-rule is the Tea Party. With its narrow set of beliefs and concerns, the Tea Party has taken advantage of the GOP's lack of direction and the media's desperate search for a story. Now, the tea party is viewed by many as the GOP and not merely as one of its factions. If the GOP continues its populist surge supported by a media that continues to legitimize the tea party, within the next two years it is entirely plausible that conservatism will be totally co-opted. In fact, it might be necessary just to win elections.

And therein lies the trap of populism...when people are given a party platform and a set of philosophies to support they can then adapt their ideologies (most), drop out of the party altogether (small minority), or perhaps learn something new (minority). But when there is no direction, the people expect to drive the policy--no matter how uninformed they and it may be.

Aiyanna Jones and The Practical Limits of Outrage

2010-05-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Xiando.livelyblog

My absolute favorite writer, Ta-Nehisi Coates, never ever disappoints me with his blog over at "The Atlantic." I don't look up to very many writers, but Coates is concise, exacting, and his opinion is always fresh. I think the best part of my own writing is the different angle at which I approach analyzing information and situations, but Coates easily bests me in that regard.

About a week ago I ran across an older post by Coates in which he addressed the "practical limits of knowledge." He writes:

"The Aspen Ideas Festival begins with a few of the invited guests standing up to propose a "Idea" which they think would move the country forward. Wisconsin GOP Rep. Paul Ryan, was one of the guest invited to speak this year. His idea was to attack the deficit, and not pass on debt to our kids. It all sounded noble and well--Who likes the idea of passing on debt to children? But what really struck me was how ill-equipped I was to evaluate anything he was saying.

This happens all the time, to me. Someone will be opining about Israel, cap and trade, or health care, and I'll understand the arguments, but really be in no position to argue. I can smell blatant dishonesty, but the subtleties are harder for me."

In other words, Coates can smell a lie from a mile away, but when it comes to dispelling the lie, despite being well-informed and intelligent, he often finds himself at a loss to develop a counterpoint. Coates goes on to lament the fact that none of us will ever have a complete understanding of...well...anything (and not for a lack of trying).

"I wonder about how much we can know. It will make you crazy to understand, in any detail, the history of black people in this country. It will make you even crazier to consider how much of that history will almost certainly be forgotten. It will make you crazier, still, to consider that it isn't just being forgotten because of intense efforts to bleach history, but because of the limits of humanity, itself."

This last point really struck me. I find it frustrating that knowledge is never complete. Although there is intellectual comfort in knowing that there is limitless information to consume, decisions about what to consume, from where, and how much can be frustrating especially as you seek to make good decisions (and conversation) in the meantime. The way humans typically handle these limits (whether we are aware of it or not) is to pick a few knowledge areas or courses of study on which to focus and consuming other types of information at our leisure.

Coates's post combined with news about the tragic death of Aiyanna Jones brought another subject to the forefront of my mind. And that is, if there are practical limits of knowledge, are there practical limits of outrage as well?

Last week 7 year old Aiyanna Jones was killed in a tragic accident in which her home was raided by Detroit police and, at some point, an officer's gun discharged a fatal bullet. The details surrounding Aiyanna's death are as yet murky but what we do know is that this is unfortunate accident no matter who is to blame. We also know that race is a factor in both how the raid was executed and also why it took place.

What's frustrating about the reactions to Aiyanna's death is that, in particular on the internet, there was a drive to get people to discuss the incident or show some sort of emotion, preferably anger, about what happened. Many people couldn't understand why there were people like me who didn't seem particularly moved. A prolific tweeter, I probably mentioned the tragedy twice at most, and neither blog post I've written on the incident espouses an opinion on the situation--this being one of those posts.

Here's where the limits of outrage and also subsequent action begin to come into play. On any given day, there are a zillion tragedies that take place in America and zillion more across the world. Many of them specifically involve people who are disadvantaged in part due to race. In inner cities and corporations across America every time a child wakes up or an adult puts on a suit they step into a life that is, in its entirety, a racist incident.

Add on to the constant barrage of bad news in other parts of the world, from earthquakes to volcanoes to plane crashes we're inundated with situations about which we must decide how much to concern ourselves if at all. Add to that the personal tragedies people experience from cancer and diabetes to sudden deaths through car accidents or domestic violence. Finally, add the every day stresses of relationships, finances, and family--and you have family in other countries there's even more to worry about.

Together, it all becomes difficult to process and there are limits to what average human being can address.

Given the wide spectrum of things there are in life to be upset about, I have a personal policy of not allowing myself to become outraged about things that I intend to do nothing about. For those things on which I do intend to take action I am constantly ready to discuss those things and in many cases not much else. I've approached the practical limits of outrage in much the same way as I approach the limits of knowledge--I've chosen a few manageable areas of focus.

After all, what is the point of outrage when it isn't paired with some sort of action. The time you spend blogging or tweeting about Aiyanna Jones could be better spent putting together a community group that assesses the needs of police or visits schools to encourage young black men to consider law enforcement as a career.

This isn't to say that you can't do both...but it is to say that you can't do it all. And neither can I.

Why I Don’t Dance with Men at the Club

2010-05-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

No Thanks!

I love to dance. I always have. And, actually, I’m pretty good. When I was really young, my parents would tape Janet Jackson videos for me. I’d spend hours and hours practicing to those tapes until I’d mastered every move down to the smallest hand motion.

When I got older, my friends and I started a singing group and we performed in talent shows. I’d watch hours of videos from different recording artists in order to choreograph our performances.

I went to my first real dance when I was a freshman in high school. I walked into the party and went straight to the middle of the dance floor where I believed I belonged given my dancing ability. I didn’t pay attention to the way other people were dancing, until an R. Kelly song came on, (I think it was, “It Seems Like You’re Ready), and one of the boys I recognized from school came up behind me, spun me around and tried to grind on me.

OH HELL NAW!

This is totally acceptable..IF we're a couple.

I pushed him away and put my hands on his shoulders so that we were still dancing together but not touching. He said to me “That’s not how you dance, come on now.” I looked around and noticed that every couple dancing looked like they were simulating some sort of sexual experience. I turned to him and said, “Well, I don’t wanna dance then.” He muttered something about me being stuck up.

I didn’t care.

As I’ve gotten older, the expectation that a man should be able to rub his crotch and hands up against my body just because I’m moving to the beat of a song and every other girl is doing it has gotten even stronger!

I can’t even the count the number of men who have approached me at a party and attempted to molest me. I use the term “molest” because I was told in elementary school sexual education that molestation happens when a stranger touches you inappropriately. And I believe that every time a woman dances with a man in the club she is subjecting herself to a type of molestation that I personally find to be gross and uninteresting.

I’ve never really be into the club scene and I believe this is the reason why. When I was in college I had girlfriends who also liked to dance. We’d all go to the middle of the dance floor together. But then they’d start dancing with some guys leaving me dancing happily alone. Well, as soon as I’d be alone someone would try to dance with me, taking all the fun out of an otherwise enjoyable night.

Why can't all men keep their distance like this one??
Is that too much to ask?

I hate that when I politely decline to dance with a man, they assume that I am rejecting them on an individual level. When, in fact, I am simply rejecting the practice of adult strangers humping each other in public. If this same man would have stood facing me while we both did the dougie, everything would be fine…but men don’t want to dance with you unless they can put their unfamiliar hands in places only familiar hands should go.

Once I did try to dance with a man thinking, well, if all the other girls are doing it, maybe it’s not so bad. A guy moved in close behind me and put his hands on my hips as we rocked side to side. I wasn’t too disgusted at first, until he put his hand on my back and tried to push me forward as though he was “hittin’ it from the back.”

I realized then and there that I don’t need to be doing what every other girl is doing. I mean other girls were wearing matching denim jackets and jeans and lining their lips with black liner and I wasn’t considering doing that. Why should I succumb to the pressure to dry hump?

I was born an individual, and have decided it's best to remain that way.

Nowadays when I go the club (a very rare occurrence) I stay off to the side and only dance on songs that really move me. If I had my wish I would be swag surfing and doing the Dallas boogie and the stanky leg all night. But unfortunately, I’m too afraid of being attacked.

I wish I could dance with reckless abandon and not worry about explaining my position on molestation to every jigging predator that comes my way; however, until that becomes reality I do the bulk of my dancing in my house or at Joy of Motion--the men there don’t mind keeping their hands to themselves.

When Beauty Masks Pain

2010-05-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

Like anyone, there are certain people in the media I admire. Not admire in a she's-my-hero type of way (only mama and'nem get that honor) but in a omg-she-is-so-beautiful-and-fabulous-and-I-bet-her-life-is-great type of way. I see my favorite ladies in magazines and on blogs and I oo and ahh over their latest look or boyfriend.

I'm old enough to know that beauty and celebrity don't equal happiness. Still, over the past couple weeks I have been startled by the fast clip at which some of my favorite women have had their cracks and flaws exposed.

I've written about Kim Kardashian before. I chose her as my "thinspiration" since I think she is gorgeous and very stylish. Over the past few months I started to notice her face looked different. I didn't pay it much attention. But lately, it's hard to overlook. It's pretty clear that she is at the very least going too heavy on the botox. If she keeps it up, pretty soon she'll be a mess.

Not too long ago, Kim's divorce papers made the headlines. She accused her first husband of being controlling, forcing her to have plastic surgery, and being both verbally and physically abusive. Kim's ex husband fired back saying that Kim was herself obsessed with plastic surgery and sabotaging her sisters in the name of success. If I believe them both, which I do, Kim has some very deep issues with her self esteem and self image.

At the same time, Naomi Campbell, arguably one of the most beautiful women to ever grace a runway, appeared on "Oprah." It was painful to watch. Here's a woman who's been in the public eye for decades and known just as much for her violent run-ins with others as she is for her fabulous sense of style.

Still, after all these years of struggling with inner demons it was clear that the willowy supermodel still hasn't figured out how to deal with the pain that lies behind her graceful walk and sultry looks. Throughout the interview she seemed very confused about her own behavior...at times acknowledging that she needs help and at other times denying the very feelings that would cause her behavior to spin out of control.

All of us who watched Campbell expose as much of her personal fabric to the Oprah audience as she could stand saw right through the threads she couldn't bare to pull back. She admits to have an issue with anger and abandonment but her problems clearly go beyond that. Unfortunately, there appeared to be a lack of urgency on her part to address it.

Naomi said she wore this to community service because
that's how she dresses...she didn't do it to make a point.
Okay...if you say so girl.

But that won't stop us from admiring her every move and ensemble and expressing a degree of awe when she inevitably connects her cell phone or some other possession with the body of someone else who offends her sensibilities.

Speaking of beautiful women who lately willingly revealed flaws on television, Stacey Dash has been making the media rounds as of late as well. I suppose in preparation for a new television show that should be hitting the airwaves soon starring Stacey, Lauren London, and Lisa Raye.

Dash, a perennially young-looking stunner and mainstay of men and women's fantasies alike said something that I will never forget during an appearance last month on the Wendy Williams show. She said that she never thought she was beautiful unless a man told her so.

This woman who, at 40, turns heads of all ages, races, and sexes with her big smile and perfect skin.

This articulate and successful actress and mother with talent and beauty to spare.

The fact that she needs validation from anyone struck me with a sadness I'm not sure if I can explain.

To round out the bunch, Noemi Lenoir, model and one of the stars of the movie Rush Hour 3, attempted suicide last week. Rumors abound about why she took a potentially deadly combination of pills and alcohol to end her life. One rumor says that the suicide attempt was because of issues involving her current lover and another cites actions of her former lover and father of her children as the catalyst.

Whatever the cause, once again, a woman so put together on the outside has fallen apart on the inside. And that fall is taking place for the world to see.

Sure lots of celebrities (and regular people alike) struggle with self-esteem issues and substance abuse problems among other demons. Blogger Jo Nubian recently wrote about the pains many black women go through to hide feelings of sadness and depression. This phenomena doesn't start or end with glamourous celebrity women.

But there is something eye-opening about such beautiful women struggling with their looks, life, and love--especially in a society that emphasizes beauty and lifestyle as indicators of relative happiness and satisfaction.

In a moment of weakness, you almost wonder for a second, if they're not happy, who is?

I wonder if the beauty and accolades don't just hide their pain from the public for a time--but from them as well.

And if beauty is hiding hurt, it doesn't matter how much beauty you have--things will get ugly at some point.

Whores, Groupies, and Golddiggers: Defending The Basketball Wives

2010-05-09T22:41:00.000-07:00

I’ve been sucked into one of VH1s latest reality shows, Basketball Wives. It airs on Sunday nights sandwiched between oddly and unexpectedly entertaining “Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business” and “What Chili Wants,” a show that chronicles the TLC group member as she pretends to search for a quality man. All in all Sunday nights on VH1 provide me with 85% of the foolishness my little country heart has ever desired. I must say I am enjoying all three shows minus Tionna’s (Chili’s matchmaker) accent and penchant for bad wigs.

General commentary on these types of shows aside, I have been struck by one running theme from many people who watch Basketball Wives—and that is the decision by many to refer to the Basketball Wives as tramps, whores, and golddiggers. It bothers me and I’m happy to tell you why.

For those who haven’t watched, Basketball Wives is brought to us by Shaquille O’Neal’s soon-to-be-ex wife Shaunie.

In keeping with the theme of having very few if any housewives on shows about housewives (see: ABC’s “Desperate Housewives,” and Bravo’s“Real Housewives”) only one of the other “Wives” –Jennifer Williams—is actually married. Jennifer, wife of professional basketball player and gremlin Eric Williams, is clearly unhappy in her marriage. Eric, whose is in a fight-to-the-finish battle with Sam Cassell and Tyrone Hill for most unattractive basketball player living or dead, is a chronic cheater and anywhere within a 5 mile radius of him is a clear “Personality-Free Zone.” Poor Jennifer.

Why her lawwwwd

The other ladies are: Evelyn, the beautiful but tough-looking ex-10-year fiancée of Antoine Walker who is now both retired and broke; Royce, a girlish-looking dancer who shares a child with Dwight Howard (he sued her to ensure he and the baby weren’t mentioned on the show); Gloria, the pretty and naïve girlfriend of Matt Barnes with whom she shares two children; and, Suzie, the white, well-coiffed real estate agent and former girlfriend of NBA and general life disappointment Michael Olowokandi.

From the beginning, even before the show aired, people (both male and female) began to refer to the Basketball Wives as whores and groupies, among other derogatory names. However, four episodes in, I don't see it. None of the women have given me the impression that they are groupies, whores, or golddiggers.

The show does not indicate that any of the women have dated more than one athlete, nor are there any accusations that the women were sleeping around while dating their respective athletes. And, what’s more, we haven’t seen any of them do anything remotely whorish-- unless you count Royce’s two booty poppin’ performances (one at a TO/Ludacris party and the other at Evelyn’s birthday party). But really, Royce didn’t do much more than any other woman who purchased a copy of Darren’s Dance Grooves and decided to try her new moves in the streets. I’m not sure what part of her dance people were offended by…the fact that she has a child by an athlete or the fact that she didn’t pop that thang while holding a microphone (see: Beyonce).

On the show, the girls aren't even shown partying at any raunchy clubs and as yet have not been spotted chatting up any other ballers.

Gloria Govan is the sister of Laura Govan. Laura is
rumored to have cheated on gun-toting Washington Wizard
Gilbert Arenas with the town ogre, Shaquille O'Neal.

I’m very disturbed by the rush to call women whores based on the perception of a group to which they belong or because you simply don't like their behavior. Thus far, the women seem pretty normal and kind of boring. Though the show chronicles their judgments, delusions, gossip, side-eyes, and arguments, much of the drama feels forced given that most of them seem to have been affected by the same personality deficiency and inflated ego as Jennifer's husband. Overall, though flawed, the women do not seem conniving or malicious.

[Bonus footage from the show that I grabbed from Jocks and Stiletto Jill! ]

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

The underlying problem is the silly assumption that women who date or have dated athletes are groupies or golddiggers because, you know, how else could a woman come to meet and date an athlete, is ridiculous. It's almost as if people think these women HAVE TO be up to no good because…well…because…well…just look at them! And they have the nerve to be on TV! And they were shopping! And being saddity about it! The nerve! And they're not even cute! *sucks teeth and rolls eyes*

If these girls are groupies and whores, where are the scenes like this?

This type of thinking is what allows someone like Ben Roethlisberger to corner a woman in a bathroom after walking around a club with his penis outside of his pants. This as off-duty police officers act as both his security and wingmen. It shows what a warped view people have of male-female relationships especially when the man is wealthy. All of a sudden, when a powerful man is involved, there is an inclination to think of every nearby woman as a predator.

Some of us need to check ourselves.

In general, I am saddened when women are given labels solely based on their perceived relationship with a man or men (whore, slut tramp et al). How retro! We can debate as much as you’d like about the behavior of the ladies on Basketball Wives. Maybe you think they lack class and taste, maybe you find them to be phony or trite, maybe you don’t think they deserve to be on television at all. That's fine. But when you make derogatory comments that simply don't fit the individuals you’re talking about, it strikes me as biased and a call to think about the basis of your opinion.

At some point we ladies have to take it into our OWN hands to cut our fellow sisters a little bit of slack. I’d like first dibs at this opportunity. It's a shame that you have to remind grown people that not liking someone doesn't make them a whore. I learned that in high school.

Deleting Old Emails: Like Revisiting a Well-Kept Journal

2010-05-06T21:52:00.000-07:00

Now that I am starting my own freelance business, I have had to take a look at my organizational skills and look for ways to improve them. I’m the first to admit that this is difficult for me, but I’ve decided that I must be more efficient. In order to do so, I will have to complete one very small task at a time.

I’ve divided my organization project into two areas “Virtual and Physical.” I am using a method I made up on the fly (on the fly meaning as I’m typing this) called DIPP: “Deletion, Inventory, Placement, and Planning.” Since deletion is the first task, over the past two weekends I have been getting rid of everything in my house that I don’t want, can’t use, or haven’t used at all or in while. Previously, I would try to keep everything I’ve purchased because I don’t want to live with the reality that I’d wasted money. I had to get over that mental barrier. My house is looking better already. Before I moved on to Inventory of my house/belongings, I decided to proceed with deletion of virtual things.

I began this process by deleting my old myspace page and facebook accounts and cleaning out all 7 of my email boxes. I have to say that completing this task was 10x more satisfying than cleaning out my physical environment although I would have no peace without accomplishing both types of cleanup.

Nevertheless, as I went through my email box, I saw a glimpse of my past self that made me laugh, cry, and get a little uncomfortable. There were emails from various guys that I had forgotten I dated. The fact that I’d forgotten they existed put a current situation in perspective. Its unbelievable how much time you can spend obsessing over someone that isn’t worth the space you have in your inbox, much less space available in your mind and heart.

I also found emails from blacksingles.com (I joined that site??), eharmony (I never even used my free subscription), Tagged (oh boy!) and various weightloss and fitness sites. Now a year or two later, there’s a lot less of that in my email box although I’m concerned that I still haven’t conquered some of the related issues.

My emails also reminded that I’ve applied for a zillion jobs in the 6 years since I graduated from college and put together too many versions of my resume and writing portfolio than I’d care to count. I felt a sense of pride in knowing that success didn’t fall in lap—I worked to be where I am today.

Additionally, according to my hotmail account, I’ve signed up on the listservs of graduate schools across the country. I also applied to graduate school twice (once to study national security and another time to study organizational development) and showed up for classes a total of zero times. I thought that was pretty interesting.

From the looks of my old emails, I’ve grown a lot. 2 years later, I’m even seeing less evidence of the obsession I used to have with shoes and pretend-balling. There are less emails from Zappos.com and Eviplist, and more from Hootsuite and software companies.

Who knew old emails could tell a story almost as good as any well-kept journal?

Media Informs Us That Gabby Sidibe is Mean…And FAT.

2010-05-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

So apparently Gabourey Sidibe, who played the title character in the movie "Precious" and most recently hosted Saturday Night Live, isn't as sweet and charming as we've been led to believe. Or, at least that's what the Washington Post and Media Bistro are saying.

On May 1st, Media Bistro's FishBowl DC used the headline "Gabby Sidibe: Not So Precious" and the below sternish photo in a short post about Gabby's apparently mistreatment of fans. Matt Dornic for FishBowl writes:

Photo Courtesy of Media Bistro

"When asked for a picture, the less-than-enthused newbie star could barely crack a smile. One photo-seeking fan said jokingly, "that's all you're going to give me," to the pouty Precious. Gabby responded, "you'll get what I give you.""

Yikes. That's certainly not nice.

Yesterday, Dornic followed up his original post about Sidibe by noting that The Washington Post columnist Jonathan Capeheart had his own uncomfortable experience with Sidibe at the recent White House Correspodent's Dinner. Capehart writes:

"Y'all know how much I loved the powerful film from director Lee Daniels about an obese New York City teenager enduring unspeakable abuse at the hands of her parents. After Oscar night, I wrote, "I was rooting for Gabourey Sidibe for best actress. But the moment edgy comedienne Mo'Nique won the Oscar for supporting actress, I knew that the divine Sidibe was toast." But after meeting Sidibe at the White House Correspondents dinner and hearing about others' negative encounters with her, I'm putting down my pompoms.

I was thrilled to spot her at a table laughing uproariously with the man sitting to her right. "I know you're having a good time and I'm sorry to interrupt," I began. My next sentence didn't come out because Sidibe shouted over the din, "Yeah, come back in five minutes!" Thinking she was joking, I laughed and pretended to walk away. When I noticed that the look in her eyes meant she was serious, I walked back to her and said, "I just wanted to congratulate you on your nomination. I thought your performance was spectacular. I even wrote a column about it." After wishing her good luck, I rejoined my friends."

OUCH!

Capehart goes on to recount two other stories in which Gabby loses more enthusiastic fans due to her diva'ish behavior.

Obviously these reports of Gabby being ridiculously unkind for no reason are disturbing. But what stuck out to me was the fact that both posts carried some sort of strange reference to Gabby's weight.

The first line of the first Media Bistro post was "So, who was the weekend's biggest (no pun intended) disappointment so far?"

The first line of 2nd Media Bistro post was: "Wow! FishbowlDC wasn't alone when we gave "Precious" star Gabby Sidibe a GIGANTIC (no pun intended...okay, that's a lie) thumbs down."

Bruh…

Maybe I'm being sensitive here. But is it totally okay to make fun of her weight just because there have been reports that she has a bad attitude? I'm trying to think of something to compare this to but I'm at a loss.

The Capehart post ended on an odd and possibly weight-related note as well. At the end of Capehart's post, he mentioned that he met Queen Latifah at the BET Honors awards back in January and expected "to get the Sidibe treatment." He goes on to say Latifah was perfectly nice and appreciates her fans unlike Gabby (I'm paraphrasing).

But why make the comparison to Queen Latifah? Because they are both black and plus sized? Is there some correlation here that I'm not aware of? Is Capehart just a HUGE (umm am I doing it too? pause?) Queen Latifah fan and wanted to shout her out?

I'm not normally super sensitive about certain things but these two posts got me riled up a bit. I'm curious about what others think. Earlier this year, Erica Kennedy noted the boiling-underneath-the-service discomfort the industry has with Gabby's size. Could the door now be open for all the fat jokes we never wanted to hear?

Titles and Truth: Writers, Models, Singers and Moguls

2010-05-03T20:30:00.000-07:00

Adriana Lima is a model. You, on the other hand
are just in a lot of pictures.
Big difference!
On a side note: ADRIANA IS GORGEOUS!

Blogger Miss Jia posted this to twitter on Monday of this week:

“If I see one more “model” bio that includes model/actress/dancer/real estate agent/9-11 survivor/chemo patient, I’ma scream. Some of you chicks are allegedly doing too much. Pick some shit and focus. We don’t believe you anyway.”

Beyond being hilariously true, Jia brings up a good topic. How do we reconcile who we actually are with who we’d like to be. As social networks grow in importance, this question becomes difficult to answer as people become ever more grandiose with these self-titles.

At some point, we need to come to the collective realization that just because you call yourself something, doesn’t make it true.

For example, let's say you all yourself a dancer but have never held a job as a dancer. To me, this poses a problem. The reality is if you do not get paid to dance, you are not a dancer. You may be trained to be a dancer, you may be a GREAT dancer, you may have danced at one point. You may even be totally qualified to get paid to dance--but, if you are not currently making a living by dancing, I'm sad to report that you are not, in fact, a dancer. Now, replace dancer with any number of terms “writer, blogger, journalist, mogul, singer, etc.” and you see where I’m going with this.

Now obviously there are some titles people give themselves that have little to do with money e.g. activist, humanitarian and the like. The use of these words requires an honor system. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure a lot of you are breaking the honor code. At some point, you have to admit that teaching alone does not qualify as activism and simply caring about people doesn’t make you a humanitarian. I think a few of you just need to invest in a good old-fashioned dictionary.

A little piece of me dies whenever I hear bloggers call themselves writers or even worse, journalists! A writer writes for a living. Yes, you can make a living off a blog, which makes you a great blogger, but lots of bloggers who make money are terrible writers. Good writing isn’t a requirement for good blogging. Successful blogging has more to do with content than writing skill. On the off chance that you are both a blogger and a great writer, I may give you a writer pass, but chile…I’m going to need to see something you’ve published in a mainstream outlet.

I blame Michael Jackson for this self-title nonsense.
Remember when he proclaimed HIMSELF to be the King of Pop.
Obviously, he later proved it to be true. But still he inspired an entire
generation to put the cart before the horse. May he RIP!

To use myself as an example, I refer to myself as a writer, spokesperson, and media coach. At one time I listed myself as a blogger; however, as my readers know, I don’t blog enough (or make enough adsense dollars) to call myself a blogger so I’ve since eliminated that term from my online bios. Now I mention that I blog and leave it at that.

I call myself a writer because I have a full time writing job. I also have writing credentials. My writing has been published in the following publications:

The Washington Post, The Boston Globe, Newsweek, The Nation, The Guardian (UK), Sueddeutsche Zeitung (Germany), Knack (Belgium), Chosun Ilbo (South Korea), Al-Ittihad (UAE), Le Monde (France), and L’Espresso (Italy).

I call myself a spokesperson because I have been quoted in the following publications and news outlets:
The BBC, CNN, The NYTimes, The Washington Post, Newsweek, USA Today, numerous wire services, and countless local papers, tv and radio shows. I have also done live interviews on both radio and television.

I call myself a media coach because I have coached lots of people to act as spokespersons for themselves or on behalf of their organizations.

Just so you know, I am a REALLY good singer, I’m also a great songwriter (in my opinion), or at least I used to be. However, I would never say that I am a singer or songwriter because, as of yet, no one has paid me for my singing or songwriting services (unless you count all those talent shows I won in middle and high school).

If I told someone I was a songwriter, the first thing they would ask me is “who do you write for?” Once I answer by saying “I write songs for myself on the weekends which I sang over instrumentals I download from livemixtapes.com and then record using Apple’s garage Band program” I would be immediately and accurately branded as a liar.

That’s why I limit the labels I give myself to those things for which I have CREDENTIALS--a practice to which fewer and fewer people adhere these days.

As a writer, it’s slightly offensive when any-old-body calls themselves a writer. Why you gotta insert your aspiring-but-as-yet-non-professional-self into my profession? Do you not realize how much work it took me to EARN the title of bona fide writer? Honey, the stories I could tell you. Google me.

Even Loretta Lynn doesn't believe you're a mogul.

All in all, people need to stop lying to themselves about where they are in their lives. What happens when you finally become whatever it is you’ve been saying you are all along? Will you even be excited anymore? What’s the point in striving to be something when you can just go around and tell everyone you're already it?

Then again, maybe these people are on to something. Maybe if you claim something it will come true. In fact, you know what, fuck it, I am a 125lb neurosurgeon. There, I feel so much better about myself now that I am totally delusional. Now, quick, who needs me to perform brain surgery? Speak up, don’t be shy!

All jokes aside, this is a pet peeve of mine and I just needed to get that off my chest.

Birthday Losers: Why Do You Torment Us?

2010-05-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

If you follow me on twitter, you may have heard me complain about two types of people I absolutely cannot stand: Meat Mixers and Birthday Losers.

No, meat mixers are not people who watch or participate in gay porn. In fact, the term is not sexual at all so quit making jokes. Meat mixing is a serious issue that is plaguing our society and quite frankly I’m disgusted by all of you MMs who put bacon on cheeseburgers, eat shrimp and steak, or otherwise mix different types of meat when eating. Gross.

I don’t know why I abhor this practice, but I do.

Now that you understand meat mixing, we can move on to the social terrorists known as Birthday Losers. I can explain my hate for these people more fully.

We all have those friends or family members that take their birthday a little too seriously…every year.

It’s not enough for you to call them on their birthday or give them a card or take them out for a few drinks whenever a few of you are free to get together. It's not even enough for them to have a party every couple years. Oh noooooo….every year their birthday is a “special event.” They want to do multiple activities or get together multiple days to celebrate. They don’t care about your time, your finances, other plans, or lack of interest because, after all, it's “their day.”

Except it’s not their day. Everyone has a birthday, and quite a few other people share your birthday. So in actuality, if you are a Birthday Loser the only thing special about that day is your behavior.

Typical Birthday Loser

Birthday Losers make things difficult for themselves and others. I have seen situations where there were multiple birthday losers in the same friendship circle. Of course, each loser planned their own festivities and feelings got hurt when certain friends couldn’t afford to sacrifice time or money to attend each loser’s event.

Birthday losers are the very reason that normal people like myself have to sit through celebration after celebration at work--a place where most of us would rather not celebrate anything unrelated to a raise or promotion.

We've all been through this fakery!

Typically, birthday losers experience sadness on many birthdays due to the fact that they put a lot of stake in a day that doesn’t mean much. And when it doesn't go as planned they are more disappointed than sanity should allow.

I think if you got the average birthday loser to be honest for 2 minutes they would admit that with a few more hugs and backpats throughout the year they wouldn’t feel so motivated to be a jackass on the one day when people feel sorry enough to pay attention to them.

This birthday loser sickness is spreading. And it IS a sickness. Well…it makes me sick. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve heard rumors that there are people so sick with BL disease that they actually celebrate their birthday for the entire month. I refuse to believe there are people that completely ill and annoying.

The worst part about BLs is that they CLAIM they want their day to be special yet they will usually celebrate with anyone so as to appear popular and adored. I have seen BLs go out of their way to remind people they don’t even like all that much to attend their birthday parties. In fact, a couple times, BLs were frustrated on their birthdays when the random people to they invited to their party [at insert overpriced club here] showed up and acted…well…random!

To all the birthday losers out there, I would ask you, what is that you really want? What do you hope to accomplish by slanging your birthday phallus in our faces every single year? Maybe if we could get to the bottom of that we could give you a little of whatever it is throughout the year so when your birthday comes, you can act like you have the sense God gave a goat.

Letting Go and Starting Over: Myspace and Facebook

2010-04-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

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Tonight I permanently deleted my Myspace page after having not visited the site for a year. It was very bittersweet. When I first joined myspace I spent HOURS upon more HOURS mastering html (well not mastering it, but I certainly learned to hook up a non-recession-looking page). I chose the music I posted to my page carefully, and I had a fairly popular blog. The hardest part was deleting the blog posts...I was too lazy to save them.

Poor Myspace. It tried several tactics to get me to change my mind about deleting the page. It asked me why I was deleting. Once I marked the circle that said "I'm bored with myspace" it suggested that I make more friends. Umm...no thanks. After I did that, it asked me for cancellation comments which I gladly submitted (after taking a screenshot -- click to see what I wrote). Finally, after one more step, myspace accepted my cancellation--but not without making me confirm my decision via email.

I still can't believe how quickly myspace went from ruling the internet networks to being the bottom of the social barrell. How very dreadful for them.

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I also deleted my old facebook page last night. I figured now that I'm an adult, I have a career and I'm also starting my own business, it was time to disconnect from God knows whatever was on my page before I had a care. Back when Facebook was limited mostly to college friends, there was a legitimate sense of safety and privacy...that, alas, is no more.

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Slowly but surely Facebook has stripped away all privacy. I played with my settings as much as possible then I realized it was too late. My page had already been tainted. I had been viewed by friends of friends, posted statuses that everyone shouldn't see, and pictures that I no longer find attractive. What's more, my friends had tagged me in all sorts of photos that are not ready for primetime. Now that I've deleted my old profile, I'm having fun with this blog's like page and still deciding what if anything to do with the new personal profile I created.

Whatever I do will be totally public and appropriate for all audiences. Now all I have to do is wait for Facebook to go out of style. Twitter anyone?

(not)Happy About THIS!

Moving my Blog...

What To Do With This Blog...

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