Have Happy Fun Time

Computer jokes

2009-11-26T06:10:00.001-08:00

'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.

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Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

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Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen?

O2.zip

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The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI ...

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Ive just loaded COLIN MCRAE HELICOPTER SIMULATOR on to my PC ... but it keeps crashing ...'

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A computer technician says "Why even have a 3-chip Hi-Def camcorder if you can't calibrate the white balance"!!!!!!!

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- How do two programmers make money?
- One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses

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A system administrator has 2 problems:

- dumb users
- smart users
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How do you tell if a blonde is using a computer?

Their's liquid paper all over the screen!

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"Knock, knock.Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."

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What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?

The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Whose Son is he?

2009-11-19T03:47:00.000-08:00

Inspiration for this funny hilarious joke
About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, ''Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?''

''Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, 'Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?'''
''What did he say?'' Bush asked.

''He said, 'that's me,' so I hired him.'' Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. ''Thanks, Mikhail. That's a great idea.'' As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.

''Dan,'' he said, ''I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?'' Quayle looked rather puzzled. ''Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?'' He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, ''I'll ask Jim Baker. He's a smart guy.'' Quayle called Baker on the phone.

''Jim, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''

''That would be me,'' Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
''Thanks, Jim. You've helped me out big time.'' He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. ''Mr. President, I have the answer!''
''Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''It's Jim Baker!'' said Quayle.
''No,'' said Bush. ''It's Shevardnadze.''

All alone

2009-10-28T19:06:00.001-07:00

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!

Necrophiliac

2009-09-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive erection she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behaviour.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and he surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't you give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!

Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

Insult

2009-09-28T02:18:00.001-07:00

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Collection of Famous Quotes

2009-09-11T02:31:00.001-07:00

> 1.That ball went so high it could have got an airhostess down with it.

> 2.There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's of an
incoming train which will run them over.

> 3.Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

> 4.Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.

> 5.Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!

> 6.He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but
cannot go beyond 30!

> 7.The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend,
that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world, which does not have wings!

> 8. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

> 9. The ball whizzes past like a bumblebee and the Indians are in the sea.

> 10. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.

> 11. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

> 12. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!

> 13. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at
Rajendra Talkies in Patiala..! one falls and everything else falls!

> 14.Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze.

> 15. You cannot make Omlets without breaking the eggs.

> 16. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper. He must be
given a free transfer to Manchester United.

> 17. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.

> 18. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.

> 19. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.

> 20. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.

> 21. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.

> 22. The cat with gloves catches no mice.

> 23. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.

> 24. You may have a heart of gold, but so does! a hard-boiled egg.

> 25. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.

> 26. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the
same reason.

> 27. The world is all about mind and matter, I don't mind and U don't
matter...

> 28. In London they drive on the left, in India we drive on what is left!

Little Johnny And Jenny

2009-09-07T01:28:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they
just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so
Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me
and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny
replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both
fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says
with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to
get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..
Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine"
By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny
has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying
to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny,it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for
you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints.............

A Good Fortune

2009-09-02T06:22:00.000-07:00

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he
thinks. Then he hears the
voice again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some
inches, he finds a small
chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which
to destroy the lock,
and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
and walks to the
casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and
goes to one of the tables,
where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly
bursts. Everybody is quiet
when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT !

Australian Joke AKA Aussie Joke

2009-08-30T06:15:00.001-07:00

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bruce here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.

The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit,
so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bruce here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...

You fancy comin' along?

Hurt or Heal

2009-08-30T05:57:00.000-07:00

I'm sure the majority of people here are familiar with the premise, but just to summarize for those who aren't: you're allowed to add or subtract a total of 4 points to current entries on the list; when an entry gets down to zero points, they're eliminated. The last entry remaining wins.
It doesn't matter how you distribute the points, so long as you don't exceed 4. For example, I could heal Metroid for 4, or damage Super Mario Brothers and Donkey Kong Country for 1 each and heal The Legend of Zelda for 2. Using the votes of other people is not allowed.You can either heal or hurt.

The theme for this game is, obviously, game series.

Advance Wars 20
Castlevania 20
Donkey Kong Country 20
Final Fantasy 20
Gran Turismo 20
Halo 20
The Legend of Zelda 20
Mega Man 20
Metal Gear 20
Metroid 20
Pokemon 20
Resident Evil 20
Sonic 20
Street Fighter 20
Super Mario Brothers 20

To start: Halo -2.
Copy and paste the the last entries...

An Electric Fence

2009-08-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let you know I have new electric fence. Tested it out 2 days ago and that it works great!

I had the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the old fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

Two days ago I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all..

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences......but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'.. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from itsowner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumb###h now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

The Economy is so bad

2009-08-24T01:01:00.000-07:00

The Economy Is So Bad That…

* I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
* Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
* Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
* I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
* Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
* A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
* I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border into Mexico.
* I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
* Even people who aren’t in Barack Obama’s cabinet aren’t paying taxes.

Oh wait, that’s only 9 of them… darn recession is scaling down everything.

The Dumb Racist

2009-08-22T00:26:00.000-07:00

So, a guy came to my hosting site to sign up. He comes on live support and says this:

The Dark Assassin: Hello John
John: Hi! How may I help you?
The Dark Assassin: are you a ~censored~?
John: Hello Dark Assassin.
The Dark Assassin: are you a ~censored~?
John: No I'm not. Thanks and have a great day.

TDA@live.com
xx.70.000.111

Then he comes on this forum and PM's me.

Excuse me?

I never said that, that was not me, I have just gone to your site to sign up

HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF RACISM!!!!

So I ban his IP. He replies.

First off, That is not my Email, Second Off, that isn't my ip address

Please un ban that ip!

Read the last two lines..

Then he cries a bit more.

Well I do because you banned it!!!

Well, if you are going to be a tosspot, and let people do this, then I really hope your site fails

***TIME TO GO TO PROXY***

The last two lines just crack me up. Fail.

Oh and guess what he's still coming on live support and crying. Sad. Fail.

Two Nuns

2009-08-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we! do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened! . I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

2009-08-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly.

He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.”

The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.”

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”

The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.’”

H1N1 Flu Alert [picture]

2009-08-13T20:59:00.001-07:00

If you look like this (see the picture below)in the morning when you wake up then please do not come to office or go to any other place. Scientists have discovered the visual symptom of the H1N1 virus.

PS: on more serious note be really aware!

Heights of Revenge

2009-08-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

The best of all

Information Technology Humor

2009-08-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

Thirty-one ways to make a girl smile

2009-08-05T01:51:00.001-07:00

1. Don't hug her friends or your friends that are girls cause she'll feel left out
2. Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if it's just for a second.
3. Hug her from behind
4. Leave her voice messages to wake up.
5. Wrestle with her
6. Don't go hang out with your ex when shes not with you, you might not realize how badly it hurts her.
7. If you're talking to another girl, when you're done talking, walk over and
hug her and kiss her.... let her know she's yours and they aren't.
8. Write her notes or call her just to say "hi"..and not just at night after you've already been out with other girls.
9. Introduce her to your friends . . . as your girlfriend.
10. Play with her hair.
11. Pick her up
12. Get upset if another guy touches her and she doesn't like it.
13. Make her laugh, if you can make her laugh, you can make her do
anything.
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms.
15. If she's mad at you, kiss her.
16. If you care about her, then tell her
17. Every guy should give their girl 3 things: a stuffed animal(she'll hug it every time she goes to sleep), jewelry (she'll treasure it forever), and one of his t-shirts (she'll most likely wear it to bed).
18. Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you're alone.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile.
20. Hang out with her on weekends
21. Kiss her in the rain
22. Kiss her just for the heck of it
23. If your listening to music, let her listen too.
24. Remember her birthday and get her something, even if
it's simple and inexpensive, it came from YOU. it means all the world to HER. it's the thought that counts.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it, even if you don't (it'll make her happy.)
26. Always call her when you say you will, it may not seem like it, but it does hurt her and makes her think you don't care so call even if you can only talk for a minute. Girls don't necessarily have to have hour-long conversations every night but it's nice for us to hear your voice even for a quick hello.
27. Give her what she wants
28. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.
29. Tell her she's beautiful, she needs to know her striving is working.
30. Hang out with her whenever you are free and u should be free to hang
with your girlfriend all the time
31. If u care about her...SHOW it!

Tommy Cooper Jokes

2009-08-01T06:56:00.001-07:00

Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'

I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rotweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What, because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy.'

A guy goes into the doctor's.

'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start!'

Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's not me so it's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.'

The other one says, 'So are you, you fat lump!'

Police arrested two kids yesterday.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctor and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the night

Hidden Meanings

2009-07-28T01:34:00.001-07:00

Smile :- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Rumor :- News that travels at the speed of sound.

Dictionary:- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

College :- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Ecstasy :- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.

Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee :- Individuals who can do nothingÂ individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Classic :- A book which people praise, but do not read.

Marriage :- It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master's.

Worry :- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Experience:- The name men give to their mistakes.

Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:-A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat :- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Optimist :- A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father :- A banker provided by nature.

Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.
Boss :- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Software Engineer:- Who is paid for reading this mail.

Who Is Clever - Teacher Or Student ?

2009-07-28T01:16:00.000-07:00

One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didn't
Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and
said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return
the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way
back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as
this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in
separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ........( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?............ ....( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right .....!!!

Why parents have gray hair: joke

2009-07-22T00:24:00.001-07:00

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was simply addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Scenarious in Various Parts of India

2009-07-20T01:12:00.001-07:00

Scenario 1

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right. You are in Kolkata

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Scenario 2

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on. That's Mumbai

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Scenario 3

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up. That's Delhi

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Scenario 4

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai-stall. That's Ahmedabad.

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Scenario 5

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program. That's Bangalore

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Scenario 6

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in. That's Chennai.

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Scenario 7

Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting. You are DEFINITELY IN HARYANA

School Exam Answers

2009-07-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

Here are some great answers that students have given at their exams.. Some are really Funny..