Yes, you can change your relationship

Yes, you can say “no” to bad behavior (like addiction and violence)

Yes, your investing in your relationship is important.

Yes, you can ignore relationship advice from well-meaning unhelpful friends.

Yes, sometimes there is one partner that drives more of the relationship work.

Yes this work can be confusing.

Yes, we are proud of you for going for a better relationship.

Have others?

In intimate relationships, our unique body language can set off arguments or stir up passion. The question is, are you reading it correctly?

To love, honor and cherish?

To take out trash or for regular sex?

In business, the quest for profit is king.   One cannot have a business if expenses are not met and customers are not satisfied.

In love, the “What For?” question is both mysterious and romantic.

We marry for love, but what else?

To care for one another, even when you are getting on one another’s nerves?

To support quirky habits, even when you really don’t get them?

To protect one another from others, even when one partner has made a horrible mistake?

To put you first before all others?

We all love great, romantic marriage vows, but they lack the pragmatic punch that helps us translate our intentions to “be a good spouse” to how to “be a good spouse when all hell breaks loose.”

Why do you marry?  I’d love to know.

I would be better off on my own.

There’s nothing I can do to save my marriage.

My marriage is not that bad.

No marriages are that good.

We have a perfect union.

Our fantasies are told again and again until they fall apart or are replaced by others.   Despite our idea that we all are truthful beings living in concrete reality, making choices using provable facts, the opposite is true.  You and your spouse (and me and mine) are all figments of our memories and fantasies.

Understanding your fantasy, and that of your partner is far more important than letting your story run on autopilot. Having a fantasy that is both wonderful and possible in real life is far more fun and complicated than the made up one in your head.

It’s all dating, with an opt-out clause that can be activated at any time.

Once you start treating marriage like a given, taking it for granted, treating it like an entitlement, the magic suffers.

We are beyond basic now. Your job is to be priceless, irreplaceable especially in the face of fierce challenges and hurt feelings. Your job is to wow and surprise, to create feelings that remind your partner of why s/he married you in the first place.  Basics are overrated.  Important, but insufficient.

More later on how to do this when love hits a rough patch…

Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love and Love and War speaks instead of rules in relationships being the only thing that binds us together in love. Our agreements about  what we will do for one another in good times and bad provide a road map for how to stay strong, focused and keep one another safe. Importantly, these rules include what we do when we argue, disagree and annoy the heck out of one another.

A few paraphrased  rules he proposes in his books are:

We will protect one another in public and private

We will be the first person you share news either good or bad

We will never threaten our relationship.

We will soothe one another when problems arise (and that covers when we are arguing too)

Action Step:

Write down one rule for your marriage that will expresses your goal of building a happy relationship on a very basic level.  Think of what (and using again the ideas of Stan Tatkin) you will and can do for one another that no one else on the planet would sign up to do.  Allow yourself to write things down that may be a stretch, or an ideal, knowing that while you may fail at implementation at times, having rules can help you  get back to a state where all partners feel safe and equally cared for.

Sign up for the Happy Marriage Summit

If you haven’t signed up already- don’t forget to sign up!  Ten Days of GREAT speakers- Streamed to you via the web.  Starts this Monday, January 21st!  Get some marriage smarts from some of the world’s finest speakers.  Goto:  http://www.supermarriageummit.com or click here!).

BTW- did I tell you that Stan Tatkin would be at this event?

This site is about asking the question, do I believe in a Happy Marriage?  If I do, how do I get one?  If I don’t, why am I married or what is marriage about for me?  Do I believe that happy marriages exist on the days that my marriage gives me a lump of coal in my proverbial marriage stocking? Is a happy marriage a story, like  Santa Clause as opposed to a reality?   When I was asking a girl friend of mine these questions about happy marriage a few weeks ago over drinks, she laughed and said, “Honestly, I do believe  that happy marriages exist, but mostly I am too dang tired to really think about it.”  Fair enough.

That said, if you are looking to create a relationship with all of the work it entails, you gotta have a dream and a goal as sweet as a holiday morning.  Believe in a happy marriage.  You can’t build a better relationship if you don’t think that good relationships don’t exist.

Action Step:

Affirm your commitment to a happier relationship.  Write it down.  Tell your partner, “I want to build a wonderful relationship with you.”  Tell your friends that you are committed to your relationship and that they can remind you of that even if you are in a difficult stage with your partner.

Action Step for TODAY:

Without words, send your partner a message that you are choosing to believe in a strong relationship.  Think about what that wordless action might be before you do it.  Maybe it’s a rub on the back.  Maybe it’s a note that you care.  Make sure it is something that you know is a perfect present for the person you have chosen.

DONT MISS OUT!  If you haven’t signed up for the SUPER MARRIAGE SUMMIT- our FREE 10 day event that brings TEN SUPER MARRIAGE EXPERTS RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR! It starts on Monday the 21st! …Sign up today by clicking here  or by going to www.supermarriagesummit.com