This if you're lonely..

2021-03-27T12:20:00.003-07:00

I don't know why I have to feel like shit to start writing again, LOL. But, anyway, since I'm here, let me tell you this - I'm writing from a very dark place.

And by that, I don't mean like a dark room or a dark place. I mean my head. It makes me think things.

It's a Saturday night; I open up my Instagram and start swiping through stories. It's a boring Saturday for me, no plans, nothing much to do. Actually, there is a lot to do but things that arent necessarily considered to be fun. At this point, I'd do anything for some human interaction. Anything that makes me put my phone to a side hit the pause on that same playlist I've been playing all week—someone who sparks an interest in me, like a real emotional interest and not the sexual one.

I yearn for a friend. My phone's been dry and silent since the morning, and it is not always like this. It is especially quiet because this weekend I am particularly friendless. Anyway, so I was swiping through Instagram stories, and I came across one of my close friend's stories - hanging out with this other close friend of mine (yes, we had a trio).

It was one of those hurtful moments where you feel like you don't belong anywhere. It makes you feel like you're undeserving of love and friendship and that you did something not to be invited to a friend's night out. I tried to justify it to myself so I didn't completely lose it. I already felt very low. But I numbed myself and kept swiping and came across my best friend's story, who was also hanging out with another one of our mutual besties (another trio, yes!).

I had to take a step back and reevaluate the relationship I had with these people. Now, some of you who read this might think I'm too nosy, and why can't my best friends hang out without me. Well, I don't know. Since we happen to discuss everything through our WhatsApp group chats, including their cat's pooping schedule, I was hoping maybe the hangouts would also be planned in the same group chats but, I guess I was wrong.

I don't blame them, though. It's their choice. But, on my part, I felt very desolate that they didn't feel the need to include me on a hangout that was planned on a PUBLIC HOLIDAY. It's wack. It's one of those moments where you sit in your room alone and google, "How to make friends?" and learn nothing.

So, the next thing you search for is the 'things you could do as a loner on a lonely weekend,' and the first thing they tell you to do is to admit to yourself that you're a loner. Nope, it isn't a joke. And part of me writing this blog here is because I want to admit that I am one. I just never had luck with people, with friendships in particular. And especially, ever since I lost my father last summer, things just haven't been the same. I'm not the bubbly 22-year old I'm supposed to be, or the people around me are.

I am not fun. I am not happy. I do not know how to have a good time. And I definitely don't know how to carry on conversations. I could be standing in the middle of a hundred people and still feel extremely lonely. I'm the overlooked. I could just disappear, and people won't notice. It's just like that. I've known it for a long time now, and it's time I say it out loud.

The Stumbling Block of Life: COVID Horrors

2021-03-13T12:56:00.002-08:00

March 2020, the first time in my twenty-one-year-old life that I witnessed a complete lockdown, but before that the five of us relished what we now call our last dine-out breakfast at an organic restaurant. It was his favorite, and then we lost him that summer to the pandemic.

Life was all laughs and then grim silence. The lack of fresh oxygen on earth suffocated each one of us, and every day reminded us of the dreadful fate one can witness.

It has been nine months since I lost my father to COVID. Every passing day is bitter than the last one. You know what they say, "It's going to be alright, you are strong!" but it never gets any better.

Then comes the religious lot, "God must have planned something better for you." But, I don't know anything better than my father's love. There is nothing in this world that weighs heavier than my father's presence in our lives.

Trinette Lucas/ SAMAA Digital

If you're looking for meaning in my words, please don't. This blog has no meaning and definitely lacks sequence; I want it to be a reflection of my life.

It is March 2021, it's the month my father would normally be returning with bags full of chocolates from his official trip. And for the years he didn't go, he would take us chocolate shopping. Never an empty day in our lives.

I picked up his formal officewear from the laundry fourteen days after his demise. And the cleaners asked me what took me so long to pick up the laundry, and suddenly my brain froze and I lost my ability to speak.

My father was young, charming, and witty. I don't know how I go about every day without his voice filling my ears. I was so conditioned to hearing his voice every day, I sometimes forget that it doesn't echo in our house anymore until I come across a video with his voice in it and it reminds me of how long it has been since the last time I heard his voice.

My resentments with life have peaked since the COVID-19 vaccine has been introduced. What did the pandemic teach you? one of the Facebook posts read. Well, for what its worth I now see things clearly. And what I've learned is a story for another time.

Pining Away

This if you're lonely..

The Stumbling Block of Life: COVID Horrors